Pain, Love, and Sacrifice to the Gods
OPENING SEGMENT - Weird. Catrina kisses the apparently-dead coffin-bound body of Fenix, which causes her to change clothes. She then goes up to a sad Melissa Santos (looking at pictures of herself and Fenix on her phone) and tells Melissa that Fenix really loved her instead of Melissa. Then she gives Melissa her half of the magical pendant, saying that she doesn't need it anymore because she has "never felt more alive." If all it takes for Catrina to get her life-force back was Fenix losing a Grave Consequences Match then why didn't she get it back after the Grave Consequences Match in season one?
JAKE STRONG vs. BIG BAD STEVE (w/Brenda) - Good squash
The announcers tell us that due to Strong breaking Famous B's ankle, Famous B might need to have his leg amputated. Strong snapped Big Bad Steve's ankle, then gave him a gut-wrench powerbomb, because I guess the ankle-snapping wasn't enough.
MR. CUETO & KING CUERNO IN MR. CUETO'S OFFICE - Mr. Cueto wants King Cuerno to return the Gauntlet of the Gods. King Cuerno claims it was stolen from him, and suggests that maybe Mil Muertes stole it back. Mr. Cueto doesn't really believe him, so he offers to trade him a shot at one of the seven ancient Aztec medallions- the one that corresponds to King Cuerno's tribe- in exchange for King Cuerno returning the gauntlet. Mr. Cueto says he'll even throw in the chance to get revenge on Chavo Guerrero Jr. for eliminating him from Aztec Warfare.
Cage showed up and said he wanted a shot at the Lucha Underground Title but Mr. Cueto told him that just attacking the champion isn't enough to earn a title shot. Instead, he must face Mil Muertes tonight, for a chance at the medallion that belongs to Mil's tribe. I didn't think Mil had a tribe. I'm not clear on whether or not Cage will also get an LU Title shot if he wins tonight's match. Mr. Cueto said something about Cage getting a chance for revenge next week. I'm rather confused right now.
THE REPTILE TRIBE (Kobra Moon & Daga) vs. THE WORLDWIDE UNDERGROUND (Johnny Mundo & Taya) - 5.75/10
A fun heel vs. heel match that ended when interference by PJ Black helped the WWU get the win. After the match Vibora attacked the WWU and the Reptile Tribe used themselves, PJ, and Taya's bodies to put PJ and Taya in some sort of wacky double submission. Kobra Moon then cut a promo vowing that Johnny would soon bow to her and call her queen.
MR. CUETO COMES TO GET MATANZA FOR HIS FIRST "SACRIFICE" - More importantly, Matanza has apparently been using another human as a punching bag. Rey?
MR. PECTACULAR vs. "THE MONSTER" MATANZA CUETO - No rating, fine squash, but also disappointing segment. Mr. Cueto comes out and tells Mr. Pectacular that this might be his last match in LU because rather than an ordinary singles match, this will be a "sacrifice to the gods." This caused the fans, presumably having no idea what Mr. Cueto was talking about because he said this would be a "first time ever" thing, just started chanting "SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE!"
Matanza obliterated Mr. Pectacular. Then he raised his arms, the lights went out, and Mr. Pectacular disappeared. I guess I was expecting something cooler to happen, though I guess if they have teleported Mr. Pectacular to some sort of backstage area where we will get a full sacrifice then I'll be fine with this.
WINNER GETS AN ANCIENT AZTEC MEDALLION:
Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. King Cuerno - 6.75/10
Less than two minutes after giving his grand oration about how legendary and wonderful and respected the Guerreros are, Matt Striker said that "King Cuerno has seen how wicked the Guerrero family is." Well which one is it, asshole? Are they saints or are they evil? You've told me both in a matter of minutes. And, of course, after talking about Chavo is full of "evil" and comes from a "wicked" family, Striker did not react with any sort of outrage at all when Chavo cheated.
At one point Striker told us that "we have relaxed rules here, as part of Antonio Cueto's reimagined Lucha Underground." WELL WHY THE F*CK DIDN'T ANYONE SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Now I understand why the referee was letting them fight on the outside forever and not doing anything about it.
They had a very good match, with lots of offense focused on the head before King Cuerno finished Chavo off with a cool-looking move that targets the head.
This was an okay show from Lucha Underground. Stuff moved a long, but nothing really exciting or important happened. The wrestling was all fine for the time it got, but it didn't really get much time, either. If you don't have the time, feel free to skip this one.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. During the opener, Matt Striker infuriated me with his idiotic and pointless comments about how going for pins that don't finish the match "imply that the offense is not as effective as you'd like." Hey, Matt... how about from now on, if you've got an inside comment, you keep it inside your f*cking mouth, okay? You don't help this match by burying the offense in all of the others.
2.a. Striker- "I implore you, dear viewer, to Google the name 'Guerrero.'"
How about instead of me doing the work, you just do your f*cking job and tell me what I need to know, you useless bag of hot air.
2.b. And just to prove how stupid this was, I did, in fact, Google "Guerrero." It took me until page fourteen to find a wrestling-related result of any kind, which was a Rolling Stone interview with "GLOW Fight Coordinator Chavo Guerrero Jr." I thought I had something a few pages earlier, but it turns out that Hector Guerrero Photography comes up in Google searches way before anything about Chavo's uncle. And please keep in mind that I am someone who writes about wrestling on the internet, so my search would probably skew towards wrestling-related results.
3. Matt Striker wondered if King Cuerno not hitting Chavo with a chair when the referee was looking right at him was "a mistake."
Not if he wants to win the match it isn't.
4. Vampiro agreed with Striker's above assertion.
This feels like an appropriate time to reiterate a statement I made last year that was something to the effect of saying that I would have more respect for a promoter who admits to diddling a baby sheep than I would for any promoter who continues to use Matt Striker as an announcer.