BRM Reviews the 11/24/2011 Impact (sh*t)

[Big Red Machine]

We are TWO SENTENCES IN, and I am already f*cking sick of Tenay’s overly wordy BS. I cannot stand the way he constantly backtracks two or three words to throw in a synonym.

KURT ANGLE & JAMES STORM SEGMENT- I really didn’t like this. All of a sudden Kurt and Storm used to be super-close buddies… a fact which was never mentioned before now, when it is conveniently supposed to form the basis for an extremely person feud? Oh come on!
Also, at some point here, James Storm randomly picked up a stuffed animal. I’m not sure why it was there, but the best explanation I can come up with is that a small child had it… and James Storm… the babyface, took the stuffed animal from the small child. WTF? I don’t even think Chuck Taylor would steal a stuffed animal from a small child (okay… Chuck Taylor would, but my point still stands!)

TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Matt Morgan & Crimson(c) vs. Mexican America (w/Sarita & Rosita)- Squash. If there was anything else that TNA can do to make Mexican America look bad, I don’t know what it is. I get that they want Morgan & Crimson to look dominant, but they don’t have to SQUASH the guys who were the tag team champions JUST LAST WEEK!

EY, RUDY CHARLES, ROBBIE E. & ROB TERRY- I am fine with EY lying (because he is a comedy wrestler and insane), but you can’t sanction a title match on a lie!

KNOCKOUTS’ SEGMENT- TERRIBLE. I don’t get it. Karen is the heel… but she is giving the fans what they want. Also, looking at the women she was threatening and their reactions (see Angelina lifting her rack up) … why did she have to threaten to fire them?

VELVET, TARA, & TESSMACHER’S REACTION- Really ladies? I get where you are coming from (there is a difference between dressing that way because you want to and dressing that way because you are being made to)… but you would sound a lot more credible if Tessmacher’s ring entrance didn’t involve a striptease! Just like with Bobby Roode, all of a sudden these characters seem to have completely different personalities! The two women on the roster who would work well in this spot (Mickie James and Jackie Moore) weren’t involved at all! WTF?

MIKCIE JAMES & GAIL KIM BACKSTAGE- now THIS was an awesome segment!

THANKSGIVING THONG THUNDER (I can’t believe I just typed that)- 4.25/10 (I also can’t believe I enjoyed this as much as I did… but that was mostly for the finish, I popped huge when Mickie came out and grabbed the title belt away from Madison). Props to Velvet for not doing the ass thing during her entrance.

JEFF JARRETT PROMO- not great, but not bad either.

LOSER WEARS A TURKEY-SUIT MATCH: Eric Young vs. Robbie E (w/Robbie T)- 1/10. Yeah… we didn’t need a video package about the history of someone having to wear the turkey suit. This (the match… not the video package) would have worked a lot better if Rudy Charles hadn’t been slow-counting Robbie.

um… if Jeff couldn’t compete, why didn’t Sting just assign someone else to the babyface team? How about Kaz? TWO of his stablemates are involved!
ELIMINATION TAG TEAM MATCH: Bobby Roode, Bully Ray, Daniels, & Jeff Jarrett (w/Kurt Angle & Karen Jarrett) vs. AJ Styles, Rob Van Dam &Mr. Anderson (w/James Storm)- 5/10. Nowhere near acceptable for a main event. Bobby Roode makes the tag WHILE STANIDNG IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CORNER, then pins Anderson, who had just taken a REGULAR MOVE from Bully Ray. Then Roode intentionally gets himself DQed with a blatant low blow to AJ. If they want Roode to “selfish,” he needs to actually gain something from it. He gains noting by just low-blowing AJ. If he had attacked AJ’s leg with a chair, that would have been great, as it would give him something to exploit at Final Resolution. This gets him nothing! Hell… come to think of it… most of the pins in this match took place after regular moves! Jeff’s selling was so bad that I actually POPPED when Bully Ray cut off his momentum.

Overall, this episode of Impact SUCKED. The Gail Kim-Mickie James segment was BY FAR the highlight of the show.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay- “Is that former Impact Head Official Rudy Charles with a turkey suit? I have a feeling I know what this is all about”- Why the hell are you being cryptic? It was in the previews for this week’s show! You damn well better know EXACTLY what this is all about… and there is no reason whatsoever for you to not do your job and tell the viewers.