BRM Reviews the 12/4/2018 Smackdown
Posted: Dec 4th, '18, 20:54
WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH CONTRACT SIGNING- not good
It’s a TLC Match, so they’ve got all of the ladders and chairs and tables set up everywhere around the ring. Because otherwise we won’t understand that they get to hit each other with the tables and ladders and chairs. I have no problem with hanging the belt form the hoist for this, but stacking up tables and chairs all around the ring does nothing but look stupid and block people’s views of the ring from the seats they paid their hard-earned money for.
Becky got to speak first and cut an awesome promo, but she also kind of said everything that you really can say going into a match like this, so there wasn’t anything really left for the other two. That’s not Becky’s fault; it’s WWE’s for booking this segment as opposed to just letting each woman cut her own promo during separate segments throughout the show.
Becky claimed that Charlotte didn’t earn this title shot. I mean... if Paige had a directive out to injure Ronda Rousey then Charlotte certainly did her best (it’s not her fault Ronda apparently has mutant healing powers and had no problem wrestling one day after getting her neck Pillmanizered), so I can see that “earning” her a title shot… but if that is the case then it makes Charlotte, Becky, and Paige all heels for having an “I don’t care if you win, I just want you to injure your opponent” mentality heading into Survivor Series. And either way, Charlotte’s smugness about her assault of Ronda comes off completely heelish. And if this isn’t the case, then it’s even worse because Charlotte is being smug while also completely ignoring the fact that she didn’t do anything to earn this title shot.
Charlotte talked about how she “destroyed Ronda with one Kendo stick.” Um… did that Pillmanizer get ret-conned out of existence or something? Because that’s the only explanation that seems to make any sense. It did really happen, right? Other people saw it, too, so it wasn’t just me hallucinating?
They yelled at each other until Asuka interrupted to point out that Becky has beaten Charlotte but has never beaten her. Asuka says she could have beaten Ronda, and vows to win the title at TLC. Charlotte reminds us that she beat Asuka at Mania, to which Asuka responds that Charlotte got lucky. Becky says that neither of them can beat Ronda, and neither of them will beat her. Becky then signs the contract and walks off, so Charlotte tries to continue her bantering with Asuka, but Paige mercifully shuts her up and tells her to just sign the contract.
Both women sign the contract, then Asuka challenges Charlotte to a match tonight, and just when I thought we were going to get to see an excellent match tonight, Mandy & Sonya showed up meaning we’re going to get a much worse match than Asuka vs. Charlotte. Mandy again accuses Paige of favoritism (she’s not totally wrong), then flat out says “Charlotte: you LOST at Survivor Series,” which I popped for because Charlotte seems to not understand this fact and apparently needs it explained to her.
Sonya then claims that Asuka won last week’s battle royale due to a fluke, which she vowed would not happen again. Mandy then asked Paige “what happens if they don’t make it to TLC,” and she had the same kind of voice-crack that Charlotte uses when she is trying to insinuate that she knows the hypothetical she is posing will come true through nefarious means. I laughed my ass off at that. Paige books Asuka & Charlotte vs. Mandy & Sonya, and Byron Saxton wonders “how are Asuka and Charlotte going to coexist?” so I guess that the issues between Mandy and Sonya from a few weeks ago have also been retconned out of existence.
Anyway, after a commercial break, we come back to see…
SHANE MCMAHON F*CKING AROUND ON HIS PHONE- Because it’s not like we just saw Paige order a referee to come out so that a match could start, right?
SHANE MCMAHON & THE MIZ BACKSTAGE- Miz is still being a delusional idiot by thinking that Shane is his tag team partner, because why should we let Miz retain any sort of credibility. It’s not like we’ve spent most of this year building him up as a semi-credible and occasionally dangerous heel, right?
Anyway, it’s finally time for…
MANDY ROSE & SONYA DEVILLE vs. CHARLOTTE FLAIR & ASUKA- 4/10
They wrestled for a bit until Becky came out to watch. Then it was commercial time. One commercial featured Mila Kunis telling me to drink Jim Beam. Excellent idea, Mila! Maybe the smell of whiskey on my breath will be able to overpower the terrible “fresh paint” smell in my family room.
They wrestled more. They set up a spot where Charlotte kicked Asuka and we were supposed to think it was probably an accident because Mandy had been on the apron a few seconds before, but there was no f*cking way Charlotte didn’t see who she was kicking, and she didn’t look upset about it afterwards, either. This led to Charlotte and Sonya doing a PAINFULLY slow O’Connor Roll and reversal spot so that they could be in position for Asuka for kick Charlotte in the head on purpose and allow Sonya to pin Charlotte. So is Sonya getting added to the TLC Match now?
Right behind Jon Stewart is a guy with a sign asking “why call 911 when you can call 619?” The answer to that question, of course, is that chokeslams are WAAAAAAAAY cooler than Rey’s wacky complicated kick.
XAVIER WOODS (w/The New Day) vs. Jey Uso (w/Jimmy Uso) vs. CESARO (w/Sheamus)- 6/10
Big E. & Kofi are back doing their commentary gimmick, and they felt the need to show us them doing so, picture-in-picture. The match was… fine. Jey pinned Cesaro after a superkick, but it doesn’t actually matter because this is just a time-filler in this program.
KAYLA BRAXTON INTERVIEWS RUSEV & LANA- not good
This “RUSEV DAY!” goofball crap is back, and his delivery wasn’t anywhere near his usual angry Rusev promo level.
MIZTV WIT SPECIAL GUEST DANIEL BRYAN- GREAT!
Truth & Carmella interrupted Miz during his attempted intro by coming out and declaring a dance break, then leaving. It’d be nice to see Miz get his revenge on them one day for their childish bullsh*t, but apparently they are babyfaces. Somehow.
This was a good segment, with both guys managing to come off as totally unlikable. Bryan did so by ignoring the fact that Miz was speaking the truth, while Miz was heelish for celebrating his heelish ideals. It was basically Charlotte’s comments from earlier, except that they weren’t being treated like babyfaces for doing heelish things. The one thing I didn’t like was Bryan’s environmental tirade. Miz’s line was a set-up for Bryan to make comments on Miz, so Bryan then turning it on the fans instead about an unrelated topic felt very unnatural. Also, there are 2018 wrestling fans; if you bury them for destroying the environment, they’re just going to cheer by the end because you’re talking about climate change and totally forget that you are blaming them for it.
They said stuff and then Bryan said no one could do anything about him being champion. Cue AJ Styles. AJ charged down to the ring, so Bryan through Miz into AJ. AJ took Miz out and chased Bryan as Bryan tried to flee into the crowd but AJ caught up to him. Bryan got back into the ring and AJ followed but Miz went after AJ. AJ blocked Miz’s punches and landed some of his own. Bryan to attack AJ from behind but AJ fought him off, too, before Miz snuck up behind him and hit him with the Skull-Crushing Finale.
RANDY ORTON PROMO- a good promo to build up a match I just can’t bring myself to care about. Said match is YET ANOTHER…
RANDY ORTON vs. JEFF HARDY- 5.75/10
Uch. Again? Do we have to?
They had a match that was going along okay for a bit. Jeff was about to put Orton through an announcers’ table with a Swanton when Samoa Joe intruded on the signal to the TitanTron with himself broadcasting live from a bar and playing bartender, allowing Orton to capitalize and RKO the distracted Jeff for the pin. Shouldn’t Joe be at the arena tonight, wrestling? If I’m Shane and/or Paige, Joe is getting fined, and the person who runs the TitanTron is getting fined. If someone is intruding on your signal, shut it down so it doesn’t ruin the match! It’s either that or the guy put it up on purpose, in which case he should also be fired.
Meanwhile, Tom Phillips is telling us that Samoa Joe is a horrible person for making comments about Jeff’s substance abuse problems (by which I only mean alcohol, as opposed to Jeff’s more… illegal habits). Meanwhile, Charlotte gets a free pass for trying to END RONDA ROUSEY’S CAREER AND MAYBE EVEN HER LIFE VIA PILLMANIZER TO THE NECK.
Samoa Joe then gave us a public service announcement telling us not to drink too much, and didn’t even mention Jeff Hardy once. Am I supposed to be upset with Joe about this? Actually, I’m quite grateful for Joe’s lecture, as I am currently on glass number three of Mila Kunis’ excellent suggestion.
Next week we’re getting a tag team rap battle, as well as CHARLOTTE VS. ASUKA!
KAYLA BRAXTON INTERVIEWS DANIEL BRYAN- great!
Also, props to Kayla for looking scared after Bryan was done talking. Whether she was scared because his demeanor is a frightening in its stoicism or she was worried that Bryan will do something to AJ is irrelevant. It works either way.
THE MIZ vs. AJ STYLES- 6.75/10
Bryan came out to do commentary for this match. He was not good at all. He did exactly what I hate about guest commentators, which was spend the time “being his character” rather than calling and responding the match like his character. Graves and Byron were guilty of constantly egging him on, though, so they deserve my fury as well.
AJ and Miz had a pretty good match, with AJ overcoming both Bryan’s meddling and Miz’s work on his head to get the win. Bryan attacked AJ after the match and worked over his leg before stomping his head in. When he stopped stomping AJ’s face in, he took a wonderfully douchy victory lap before going back and doing it again. This was a strong angle to close the show on, and it succeeded in getting Bryan booed heavily. Wait… no… it’s not done. Bryan cut another promo on the fans, then worked over AJ’s leg again before we went off the air.
This was a pretty boring episode of Smackdown other than the AJ/Bryan/Miz stuff. Next week’s sow should be pretty good, though. (Yes, I know that Asuka vs. Charlotte will wind up with some sort of f*ck finish, but can’t I please pretend it won’t until it happens?)
It’s a TLC Match, so they’ve got all of the ladders and chairs and tables set up everywhere around the ring. Because otherwise we won’t understand that they get to hit each other with the tables and ladders and chairs. I have no problem with hanging the belt form the hoist for this, but stacking up tables and chairs all around the ring does nothing but look stupid and block people’s views of the ring from the seats they paid their hard-earned money for.
Becky got to speak first and cut an awesome promo, but she also kind of said everything that you really can say going into a match like this, so there wasn’t anything really left for the other two. That’s not Becky’s fault; it’s WWE’s for booking this segment as opposed to just letting each woman cut her own promo during separate segments throughout the show.
Becky claimed that Charlotte didn’t earn this title shot. I mean... if Paige had a directive out to injure Ronda Rousey then Charlotte certainly did her best (it’s not her fault Ronda apparently has mutant healing powers and had no problem wrestling one day after getting her neck Pillmanizered), so I can see that “earning” her a title shot… but if that is the case then it makes Charlotte, Becky, and Paige all heels for having an “I don’t care if you win, I just want you to injure your opponent” mentality heading into Survivor Series. And either way, Charlotte’s smugness about her assault of Ronda comes off completely heelish. And if this isn’t the case, then it’s even worse because Charlotte is being smug while also completely ignoring the fact that she didn’t do anything to earn this title shot.
Charlotte talked about how she “destroyed Ronda with one Kendo stick.” Um… did that Pillmanizer get ret-conned out of existence or something? Because that’s the only explanation that seems to make any sense. It did really happen, right? Other people saw it, too, so it wasn’t just me hallucinating?
They yelled at each other until Asuka interrupted to point out that Becky has beaten Charlotte but has never beaten her. Asuka says she could have beaten Ronda, and vows to win the title at TLC. Charlotte reminds us that she beat Asuka at Mania, to which Asuka responds that Charlotte got lucky. Becky says that neither of them can beat Ronda, and neither of them will beat her. Becky then signs the contract and walks off, so Charlotte tries to continue her bantering with Asuka, but Paige mercifully shuts her up and tells her to just sign the contract.
Both women sign the contract, then Asuka challenges Charlotte to a match tonight, and just when I thought we were going to get to see an excellent match tonight, Mandy & Sonya showed up meaning we’re going to get a much worse match than Asuka vs. Charlotte. Mandy again accuses Paige of favoritism (she’s not totally wrong), then flat out says “Charlotte: you LOST at Survivor Series,” which I popped for because Charlotte seems to not understand this fact and apparently needs it explained to her.
Sonya then claims that Asuka won last week’s battle royale due to a fluke, which she vowed would not happen again. Mandy then asked Paige “what happens if they don’t make it to TLC,” and she had the same kind of voice-crack that Charlotte uses when she is trying to insinuate that she knows the hypothetical she is posing will come true through nefarious means. I laughed my ass off at that. Paige books Asuka & Charlotte vs. Mandy & Sonya, and Byron Saxton wonders “how are Asuka and Charlotte going to coexist?” so I guess that the issues between Mandy and Sonya from a few weeks ago have also been retconned out of existence.
Anyway, after a commercial break, we come back to see…
SHANE MCMAHON F*CKING AROUND ON HIS PHONE- Because it’s not like we just saw Paige order a referee to come out so that a match could start, right?
SHANE MCMAHON & THE MIZ BACKSTAGE- Miz is still being a delusional idiot by thinking that Shane is his tag team partner, because why should we let Miz retain any sort of credibility. It’s not like we’ve spent most of this year building him up as a semi-credible and occasionally dangerous heel, right?
Anyway, it’s finally time for…
MANDY ROSE & SONYA DEVILLE vs. CHARLOTTE FLAIR & ASUKA- 4/10
They wrestled for a bit until Becky came out to watch. Then it was commercial time. One commercial featured Mila Kunis telling me to drink Jim Beam. Excellent idea, Mila! Maybe the smell of whiskey on my breath will be able to overpower the terrible “fresh paint” smell in my family room.
They wrestled more. They set up a spot where Charlotte kicked Asuka and we were supposed to think it was probably an accident because Mandy had been on the apron a few seconds before, but there was no f*cking way Charlotte didn’t see who she was kicking, and she didn’t look upset about it afterwards, either. This led to Charlotte and Sonya doing a PAINFULLY slow O’Connor Roll and reversal spot so that they could be in position for Asuka for kick Charlotte in the head on purpose and allow Sonya to pin Charlotte. So is Sonya getting added to the TLC Match now?
Right behind Jon Stewart is a guy with a sign asking “why call 911 when you can call 619?” The answer to that question, of course, is that chokeslams are WAAAAAAAAY cooler than Rey’s wacky complicated kick.
XAVIER WOODS (w/The New Day) vs. Jey Uso (w/Jimmy Uso) vs. CESARO (w/Sheamus)- 6/10
Big E. & Kofi are back doing their commentary gimmick, and they felt the need to show us them doing so, picture-in-picture. The match was… fine. Jey pinned Cesaro after a superkick, but it doesn’t actually matter because this is just a time-filler in this program.
KAYLA BRAXTON INTERVIEWS RUSEV & LANA- not good
This “RUSEV DAY!” goofball crap is back, and his delivery wasn’t anywhere near his usual angry Rusev promo level.
MIZTV WIT SPECIAL GUEST DANIEL BRYAN- GREAT!
Truth & Carmella interrupted Miz during his attempted intro by coming out and declaring a dance break, then leaving. It’d be nice to see Miz get his revenge on them one day for their childish bullsh*t, but apparently they are babyfaces. Somehow.
This was a good segment, with both guys managing to come off as totally unlikable. Bryan did so by ignoring the fact that Miz was speaking the truth, while Miz was heelish for celebrating his heelish ideals. It was basically Charlotte’s comments from earlier, except that they weren’t being treated like babyfaces for doing heelish things. The one thing I didn’t like was Bryan’s environmental tirade. Miz’s line was a set-up for Bryan to make comments on Miz, so Bryan then turning it on the fans instead about an unrelated topic felt very unnatural. Also, there are 2018 wrestling fans; if you bury them for destroying the environment, they’re just going to cheer by the end because you’re talking about climate change and totally forget that you are blaming them for it.
They said stuff and then Bryan said no one could do anything about him being champion. Cue AJ Styles. AJ charged down to the ring, so Bryan through Miz into AJ. AJ took Miz out and chased Bryan as Bryan tried to flee into the crowd but AJ caught up to him. Bryan got back into the ring and AJ followed but Miz went after AJ. AJ blocked Miz’s punches and landed some of his own. Bryan to attack AJ from behind but AJ fought him off, too, before Miz snuck up behind him and hit him with the Skull-Crushing Finale.
RANDY ORTON PROMO- a good promo to build up a match I just can’t bring myself to care about. Said match is YET ANOTHER…
RANDY ORTON vs. JEFF HARDY- 5.75/10
Uch. Again? Do we have to?
They had a match that was going along okay for a bit. Jeff was about to put Orton through an announcers’ table with a Swanton when Samoa Joe intruded on the signal to the TitanTron with himself broadcasting live from a bar and playing bartender, allowing Orton to capitalize and RKO the distracted Jeff for the pin. Shouldn’t Joe be at the arena tonight, wrestling? If I’m Shane and/or Paige, Joe is getting fined, and the person who runs the TitanTron is getting fined. If someone is intruding on your signal, shut it down so it doesn’t ruin the match! It’s either that or the guy put it up on purpose, in which case he should also be fired.
Meanwhile, Tom Phillips is telling us that Samoa Joe is a horrible person for making comments about Jeff’s substance abuse problems (by which I only mean alcohol, as opposed to Jeff’s more… illegal habits). Meanwhile, Charlotte gets a free pass for trying to END RONDA ROUSEY’S CAREER AND MAYBE EVEN HER LIFE VIA PILLMANIZER TO THE NECK.
Samoa Joe then gave us a public service announcement telling us not to drink too much, and didn’t even mention Jeff Hardy once. Am I supposed to be upset with Joe about this? Actually, I’m quite grateful for Joe’s lecture, as I am currently on glass number three of Mila Kunis’ excellent suggestion.
Next week we’re getting a tag team rap battle, as well as CHARLOTTE VS. ASUKA!
KAYLA BRAXTON INTERVIEWS DANIEL BRYAN- great!
Also, props to Kayla for looking scared after Bryan was done talking. Whether she was scared because his demeanor is a frightening in its stoicism or she was worried that Bryan will do something to AJ is irrelevant. It works either way.
THE MIZ vs. AJ STYLES- 6.75/10
Bryan came out to do commentary for this match. He was not good at all. He did exactly what I hate about guest commentators, which was spend the time “being his character” rather than calling and responding the match like his character. Graves and Byron were guilty of constantly egging him on, though, so they deserve my fury as well.
AJ and Miz had a pretty good match, with AJ overcoming both Bryan’s meddling and Miz’s work on his head to get the win. Bryan attacked AJ after the match and worked over his leg before stomping his head in. When he stopped stomping AJ’s face in, he took a wonderfully douchy victory lap before going back and doing it again. This was a strong angle to close the show on, and it succeeded in getting Bryan booed heavily. Wait… no… it’s not done. Bryan cut another promo on the fans, then worked over AJ’s leg again before we went off the air.
This was a pretty boring episode of Smackdown other than the AJ/Bryan/Miz stuff. Next week’s sow should be pretty good, though. (Yes, I know that Asuka vs. Charlotte will wind up with some sort of f*ck finish, but can’t I please pretend it won’t until it happens?)