BRM Reviews the 7/25/2017 Smackdown (Best One in MONTHS)
Posted: Jul 26th, '17, 03:09
OPENING SEGMENT- good
New US Champion Kevin Owens comes out and cuts a standard heel promo. He says he is going to be doing the US Title Open Challenge again starting next week because the people of INSERT CITY NAME HERE don’t deserve it.
AJ comes out and the announcers say the things between AJ and wens have become very personal, but I haven’t seen that at all. AJ wants his rematch tonight but Owens says he won’t defend the title tonight. It seems like an authority figure should come out here and settle this issue, no?
Instead of an authority figure Chris Jericho comes out. Owens was clearly scared of him and trying to not let it show. He’s got his scarf and list. He, too, wants his contractually obligated rematch. While we’re at it, I believe that Cena, Nakamura, and Balor all deserve title shots for having beaten Owens while he was champ as well.
Jericho accuses AJ of trying to cut him in line for a title shot. He tells AJ that someone recently cut in front of him in line at the checkout counter of the supermarket. “Do you know what happened to him?” AJ guesses that Jericho put him on the list, but Jericho says “no. I punched him in the face and put him in the Walls of Jericho in aisle seven in front of the canned corn.” Well if we’re going to get that specific, I have to ask why Jericho dragged this man all the way to aisle seven rather than just putting him in the Walls of Jericho right there in the checkout line. Also, Jericho put AJ on the list.
While AJ and Jericho were doing their bit, Owens quietly exited the ring and headed up the ramp because he didn’t give a damn about their shenanigans. Jericho noticed him leaving. Shane finally came out to do his job, which, in this case, consisted of booking a Triple Threat Match for the US Title in tonight’s main event. JBL immediately declared this to be “one of the biggest main events in Smackdown history.” I love all three of these guys, but this is nowhere close to that. Announcers need to learn that you can’t hype everything up like it’s a 10. You can hype a 9 up as a 10 and get away with it, but if you hype everything from 6 through 10 up like it’s a 10 (and on the scale of “biggest main events in Smackdown history, this feels like a 7.5 or an 8 to me), then all you’re doing is making it harder for people to believe you when you tell them something is a 10, even if that thing really is a 10 (or even an 11). And this is not just a problem in WWE; ROH has this problem frequently as well, and it also crops up in TNA and LU from time to time.
SHINSUKE NAKAMURA vs. BARON CORBIN- 7.25/10
Byron Saxton told us that Nakamura was so furious after last night’s match that he was going around angrily looking for Corbin and actually had to be escorted out of the arena. That’s exactly the sort of thing that they need to be SHOWING us. He also told us that many wrestlers have been “questioning whether Corbin even deserves to be Mr. Money in the Bank” after his actions at Battleground. Not saying I agree with the idea because the briefcase wasn’t on the line in that match and the briefcase is not a championship that is supposed to be held by the best wrestler in the division, but if this is what the storyline is going to be, then SHOW US. Hell, you could have Corbin do something dastardly to injure Nakamura here and then have Corbin wrestle (and cleanly defeat) a different outraged undercard babyface every week until Nakamura returns for the big PPV showdown at SummerSlam. That would not only get some guys on the show who almost never get TV time (Luke Harper or Tye Dillinger, for example), but it would also ensure that Corbin isn’t facing the same rotating door of three babyfaces that he’s been facing every damn week since the Superstar Shakeup (Zayn, Nakamura, and AJ).
Nakamura carried Corbin to a great match, but Smackdown has once again given us a f*ck finish on PPV and then given us the clean finish on TV. Sh*t like this is why TNA wound up where it is now.
DASHA FUENTES INTERVIEWS NAOMI- She asks Naomi how she feels about Nattie snubbing her handshake at Battleground. Naomi starts to say that she won’t let Nattie get away with disrespecting her, but Nattie shows up and buries her for turning the title belt “into a kid’s toy.” THANK YOU!
She also claims that Naomi doesn’t respect the Hart Family and she is going to take her title at SummerSlam and “restore honor to the women’s division.” Naomi responds by telling Nattie “you are so stuck in that dirty dungeon of the past that you can’t see that this [she turns on the glowing lights of her WWE Women’s Title nightlight] is the now.”
A few things here:
1. This is the sort of line that I’m sure the writers pat themselves on the back for coming up with, even though they sound nothing like what a real person would say.
2. Whoever decided to stick the word dirty in there should have been flogged, because that just makes it seem like Nattie is right and Naomi really doesn’t have any respect for the her family’s legacy.
3. The fact that Naomi is actually PROUD of the way she has defiled that title belt with her neon color-changing LED hideousness is profoundly disturbing to me. I don’t see how anyone could think that this tacky-looking crap would be a babyface thing to do.
She would later defend what she had done to the title by saying that “I added a little piece of myself to it, which caused to scream “A LITTLE?! THE WHOLE F*CKING THING LOOKS LIKE IT’S MADE OUT OF LITE-BRITE NOW!” Even worse, there already was a mechanism in place for each champion to add a little bit of himself or herself to the belt: the side-plates!
She went to give a speech about how “the women’s evolution is the future” but “I respect tradition” and “I didn’t tarnish the title; I earned it” and oh my G-d how do these writers still have jobs? Do they not realize that their goal is supposed to be to simulate normal human conversation and not write grand speeches for off-Broadway plays?
She concluded by telling Nattie “at SummerSlam, you’re going to be blinded by the glow.” Uch. Nattie left, which should mean that this terrible segment is finally over.
NAOMI & CARMELLA SEGMENT- pointless.
After Nattie left, Carmella showed up with her MITB briefcase for no other reason than to remind us of her existence.
BECKY LYNCH & CHARLOTTE FLAIR vs. LANA & TAMINA- 2.5/10
Apparnetly the fact that Becky overcame the odds and cleanly eliminated both Tamina and Lana from Sunday’s #1 contendership match somehow means that there is now “a personal issue between these four women” according to Tom Phillips.
I don’t know what this hand thing that Becky and Charlotte have started doing is, but it needs to stop immediately. It looks absolutely moronic.
Tamina let Lana start this match, because I guess she doesn’t care if her team loses or not. The very first thing that happened was Becky almost locking Lana in the Disarmer but Lana tagged out before the hold could be locked in. Tamina got the advantage on Becky who became the babyface in peril. Becky eventually made a hot tag to Charlotte. The finish was Lana tagging herself in but then immediately earing a big boot from Charlotte for pin. Tamina walked out on Lana, who walked to the back in tears at her own pathetic failure.
JINDER MAHAL WANTS TO KNOW WHO HE WILL FACE AT SUMMERSLAM- bad
Apparently both Singh Brothers were injured in last night’s match so they’re not here tonight.
What is the purpose of them putting that carpet in the ring for Jinder’s promo? It’s certainly not to let us know that he’s Indian, because they’re doing so many things to make sure that you can’t miss that fact that anyone who has somehow not figured that out yet isn’t going to clued in by a rug. Do they think it makes him look like a bigger star? Because it doesn’t make one lick of difference.
Anyway, Jinder demands to know who he will face at SummerSlam. He wasn’t bad here, but he wasn’t good, either. A bigger problem was that my interest in what he had to say was killed by the fact that they already told us what Jinder was going to say during their various plugs for this segment.
He started to speak in Punjabi and mentioned John Cena, so Cena came out. Jinder anticipated that Cena would say the same things to him that everyone says: he’s an unworthy champion because he needed outside interference to win. Instead, Cena puts Jinder over for being in great shape and for caring about being WWE World Heavyweight Champion so much that he will do whatever it takes to win.” So apparently John Cena, role model for children everywhere, is fine with cheating as long as you have determination and large muscles. Cena announces that he is getting the title shot at SummerSlam. Then Daniel Bryan comes out and makes Cena look like a huge douche. He points out that Cena doesn’t make the matches, so he shouldn’t be out here acting like he does. He announces that next week there will be a #1 contendership match between John Cena and Shinsuke Nakamura, because that’s definitely the sort of match you should be giving away for the first time ever on free TV. On the bright side, I liked how Bryan noted that everyone involved here- Cena, Nakamura, and Jinder- has actually WON their matches recently.
SHANE & OWENS BACKSTAGE- pointless, unless we’re building to Owens vs. Shane, which I can actually see them doing, and probably wouldn’t be too bad, either.
SAMI ZAYN & TYE DILLINGER vs. AIDEN ENGLISH & MIKE KANELLIS (w/Maria Kanellis)- 4.75/10
English his doing his obnoxious singing. It feels like it’s going on forever. We just wasted a minute and a half that could have been given to the main event. The match wasn’t much, although the spot where they cut Sami off looked really great. Zayn pinned Mike clean. Tom Phillips described this as Sami getting “revenge” even though Sami also beat Mike cleanly just two days ago at Battleground.
NEW CHAMPIONSHIP CELEBRATION- excellent. Because it didn’t happen. Instead of an annoying New Day promo, we got the Usos jumping them during their entrance (starting before they even came through the curtain, attacking Big E. while he was doing his introduction) and laid them out. Good angle.
RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS SHINSUKE NAKAMURA- Nakamura was good, but the crowd was chanting for New Day during his promo.
WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: Kevin Owens(c) vs. Chris Jericho vs. AJ Styles- 8/10
Awesome match. This was the best thing to happen on Smackdown in months (probably since Orton vs AJ). AJ won the title by stealing Owens’ pin on Jericho. After the match Owens cut an angry promo saying that this was all unfair. He wants is rematch next week, but I wouldn’t bet on him winning, as the idea of Kevin Owens vs. Shane McMahon is looking a lot more plausible after this.
This was BY FAR the best episode of Smackdown we’ve had in forever, in terms of match quality, angles, the use of the authority figures, and generally avoiding infuriating bullsh*t. Hopefully this continues next week.
New US Champion Kevin Owens comes out and cuts a standard heel promo. He says he is going to be doing the US Title Open Challenge again starting next week because the people of INSERT CITY NAME HERE don’t deserve it.
AJ comes out and the announcers say the things between AJ and wens have become very personal, but I haven’t seen that at all. AJ wants his rematch tonight but Owens says he won’t defend the title tonight. It seems like an authority figure should come out here and settle this issue, no?
Instead of an authority figure Chris Jericho comes out. Owens was clearly scared of him and trying to not let it show. He’s got his scarf and list. He, too, wants his contractually obligated rematch. While we’re at it, I believe that Cena, Nakamura, and Balor all deserve title shots for having beaten Owens while he was champ as well.
Jericho accuses AJ of trying to cut him in line for a title shot. He tells AJ that someone recently cut in front of him in line at the checkout counter of the supermarket. “Do you know what happened to him?” AJ guesses that Jericho put him on the list, but Jericho says “no. I punched him in the face and put him in the Walls of Jericho in aisle seven in front of the canned corn.” Well if we’re going to get that specific, I have to ask why Jericho dragged this man all the way to aisle seven rather than just putting him in the Walls of Jericho right there in the checkout line. Also, Jericho put AJ on the list.
While AJ and Jericho were doing their bit, Owens quietly exited the ring and headed up the ramp because he didn’t give a damn about their shenanigans. Jericho noticed him leaving. Shane finally came out to do his job, which, in this case, consisted of booking a Triple Threat Match for the US Title in tonight’s main event. JBL immediately declared this to be “one of the biggest main events in Smackdown history.” I love all three of these guys, but this is nowhere close to that. Announcers need to learn that you can’t hype everything up like it’s a 10. You can hype a 9 up as a 10 and get away with it, but if you hype everything from 6 through 10 up like it’s a 10 (and on the scale of “biggest main events in Smackdown history, this feels like a 7.5 or an 8 to me), then all you’re doing is making it harder for people to believe you when you tell them something is a 10, even if that thing really is a 10 (or even an 11). And this is not just a problem in WWE; ROH has this problem frequently as well, and it also crops up in TNA and LU from time to time.
SHINSUKE NAKAMURA vs. BARON CORBIN- 7.25/10
Byron Saxton told us that Nakamura was so furious after last night’s match that he was going around angrily looking for Corbin and actually had to be escorted out of the arena. That’s exactly the sort of thing that they need to be SHOWING us. He also told us that many wrestlers have been “questioning whether Corbin even deserves to be Mr. Money in the Bank” after his actions at Battleground. Not saying I agree with the idea because the briefcase wasn’t on the line in that match and the briefcase is not a championship that is supposed to be held by the best wrestler in the division, but if this is what the storyline is going to be, then SHOW US. Hell, you could have Corbin do something dastardly to injure Nakamura here and then have Corbin wrestle (and cleanly defeat) a different outraged undercard babyface every week until Nakamura returns for the big PPV showdown at SummerSlam. That would not only get some guys on the show who almost never get TV time (Luke Harper or Tye Dillinger, for example), but it would also ensure that Corbin isn’t facing the same rotating door of three babyfaces that he’s been facing every damn week since the Superstar Shakeup (Zayn, Nakamura, and AJ).
Nakamura carried Corbin to a great match, but Smackdown has once again given us a f*ck finish on PPV and then given us the clean finish on TV. Sh*t like this is why TNA wound up where it is now.
DASHA FUENTES INTERVIEWS NAOMI- She asks Naomi how she feels about Nattie snubbing her handshake at Battleground. Naomi starts to say that she won’t let Nattie get away with disrespecting her, but Nattie shows up and buries her for turning the title belt “into a kid’s toy.” THANK YOU!
She also claims that Naomi doesn’t respect the Hart Family and she is going to take her title at SummerSlam and “restore honor to the women’s division.” Naomi responds by telling Nattie “you are so stuck in that dirty dungeon of the past that you can’t see that this [she turns on the glowing lights of her WWE Women’s Title nightlight] is the now.”
A few things here:
1. This is the sort of line that I’m sure the writers pat themselves on the back for coming up with, even though they sound nothing like what a real person would say.
2. Whoever decided to stick the word dirty in there should have been flogged, because that just makes it seem like Nattie is right and Naomi really doesn’t have any respect for the her family’s legacy.
3. The fact that Naomi is actually PROUD of the way she has defiled that title belt with her neon color-changing LED hideousness is profoundly disturbing to me. I don’t see how anyone could think that this tacky-looking crap would be a babyface thing to do.
She would later defend what she had done to the title by saying that “I added a little piece of myself to it, which caused to scream “A LITTLE?! THE WHOLE F*CKING THING LOOKS LIKE IT’S MADE OUT OF LITE-BRITE NOW!” Even worse, there already was a mechanism in place for each champion to add a little bit of himself or herself to the belt: the side-plates!
She went to give a speech about how “the women’s evolution is the future” but “I respect tradition” and “I didn’t tarnish the title; I earned it” and oh my G-d how do these writers still have jobs? Do they not realize that their goal is supposed to be to simulate normal human conversation and not write grand speeches for off-Broadway plays?
She concluded by telling Nattie “at SummerSlam, you’re going to be blinded by the glow.” Uch. Nattie left, which should mean that this terrible segment is finally over.
NAOMI & CARMELLA SEGMENT- pointless.
After Nattie left, Carmella showed up with her MITB briefcase for no other reason than to remind us of her existence.
BECKY LYNCH & CHARLOTTE FLAIR vs. LANA & TAMINA- 2.5/10
Apparnetly the fact that Becky overcame the odds and cleanly eliminated both Tamina and Lana from Sunday’s #1 contendership match somehow means that there is now “a personal issue between these four women” according to Tom Phillips.
I don’t know what this hand thing that Becky and Charlotte have started doing is, but it needs to stop immediately. It looks absolutely moronic.
Tamina let Lana start this match, because I guess she doesn’t care if her team loses or not. The very first thing that happened was Becky almost locking Lana in the Disarmer but Lana tagged out before the hold could be locked in. Tamina got the advantage on Becky who became the babyface in peril. Becky eventually made a hot tag to Charlotte. The finish was Lana tagging herself in but then immediately earing a big boot from Charlotte for pin. Tamina walked out on Lana, who walked to the back in tears at her own pathetic failure.
JINDER MAHAL WANTS TO KNOW WHO HE WILL FACE AT SUMMERSLAM- bad
Apparently both Singh Brothers were injured in last night’s match so they’re not here tonight.
What is the purpose of them putting that carpet in the ring for Jinder’s promo? It’s certainly not to let us know that he’s Indian, because they’re doing so many things to make sure that you can’t miss that fact that anyone who has somehow not figured that out yet isn’t going to clued in by a rug. Do they think it makes him look like a bigger star? Because it doesn’t make one lick of difference.
Anyway, Jinder demands to know who he will face at SummerSlam. He wasn’t bad here, but he wasn’t good, either. A bigger problem was that my interest in what he had to say was killed by the fact that they already told us what Jinder was going to say during their various plugs for this segment.
He started to speak in Punjabi and mentioned John Cena, so Cena came out. Jinder anticipated that Cena would say the same things to him that everyone says: he’s an unworthy champion because he needed outside interference to win. Instead, Cena puts Jinder over for being in great shape and for caring about being WWE World Heavyweight Champion so much that he will do whatever it takes to win.” So apparently John Cena, role model for children everywhere, is fine with cheating as long as you have determination and large muscles. Cena announces that he is getting the title shot at SummerSlam. Then Daniel Bryan comes out and makes Cena look like a huge douche. He points out that Cena doesn’t make the matches, so he shouldn’t be out here acting like he does. He announces that next week there will be a #1 contendership match between John Cena and Shinsuke Nakamura, because that’s definitely the sort of match you should be giving away for the first time ever on free TV. On the bright side, I liked how Bryan noted that everyone involved here- Cena, Nakamura, and Jinder- has actually WON their matches recently.
SHANE & OWENS BACKSTAGE- pointless, unless we’re building to Owens vs. Shane, which I can actually see them doing, and probably wouldn’t be too bad, either.
SAMI ZAYN & TYE DILLINGER vs. AIDEN ENGLISH & MIKE KANELLIS (w/Maria Kanellis)- 4.75/10
English his doing his obnoxious singing. It feels like it’s going on forever. We just wasted a minute and a half that could have been given to the main event. The match wasn’t much, although the spot where they cut Sami off looked really great. Zayn pinned Mike clean. Tom Phillips described this as Sami getting “revenge” even though Sami also beat Mike cleanly just two days ago at Battleground.
NEW CHAMPIONSHIP CELEBRATION- excellent. Because it didn’t happen. Instead of an annoying New Day promo, we got the Usos jumping them during their entrance (starting before they even came through the curtain, attacking Big E. while he was doing his introduction) and laid them out. Good angle.
RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS SHINSUKE NAKAMURA- Nakamura was good, but the crowd was chanting for New Day during his promo.
WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: Kevin Owens(c) vs. Chris Jericho vs. AJ Styles- 8/10
Awesome match. This was the best thing to happen on Smackdown in months (probably since Orton vs AJ). AJ won the title by stealing Owens’ pin on Jericho. After the match Owens cut an angry promo saying that this was all unfair. He wants is rematch next week, but I wouldn’t bet on him winning, as the idea of Kevin Owens vs. Shane McMahon is looking a lot more plausible after this.
This was BY FAR the best episode of Smackdown we’ve had in forever, in terms of match quality, angles, the use of the authority figures, and generally avoiding infuriating bullsh*t. Hopefully this continues next week.