Big Red Machine wrote:This guy is the only good thing currently happening in CHIKARA. I'm sure the Nazmaldun stuff will turn out fine, but at the moment, this is the only good thing that is actually happening.

Demons - A Confession

“Seems the luck I’ve had can make a good man turn bad.”

Every day of my life I fight demons. We all fight our own demons whether they are unemployment, poverty, drugs, alcohol, mental illness, all of the above, just one of the above, or something different entirely.

I have spent my entire life searching for answers. Who am I? Why am I here? How did I get here? Who were my parents? What is my purpose?

The only family I have ever known is dead. The only brother I’ve ever known, Hallowicked, is fighting, or perhaps feeding his own actual demons.

Growing up, I didn’t idolize Batman. I idolized the kid who dressed up like a cow, then a meal, and became a household name with stitches on his face. I chose to idolize Dasher Hatfield as a hero and at the end of the day, he made a choice too. He chose to watch me, watch them die, helplessly.

I idolized a peer. I watched as a man younger than I overcame his own adversity and became a star. He watched me watch my friends die too.

I watched as Icarus put away his ugliness. He rose above and became our bringer of light. He showed CHIKARA the way. Then he too, became a murderer.

This past Sunday, they did it again. They watched me kill Orbit Adventure Ant. We never even knew his name. I gave them plenty of time, didn’t I? I tried to fight it. I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. I was piloting the ship… wasn’t I? I TRIED WITH EVERYTHING I HAD TO DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING ELSE. I didn’t want to believe that they would let me go through with it. Alas, here we are.

Every hero I’ve ever had has either let me down or left me hanging. So I tried to be my own hero. Kid Cyclone was a miserable failure. A version of me who only wanted to do good and ended up with the exact opposite result.

They say to question everything. They say to be yourself. I tried that too and Kevin Condron was ridiculed. Made fun of. Bullied, even. Seen as a joke and laughed at all the way.

We all involuntarily walk a fine line between good and evil. One misstep and you could get stuck on one side or the other forever. Thunderfrog killed Tursas. Eddie killed Callux. Icarus killed Deucalion. Even Quack ended CombatANT’s career.

For some reason, the CHIKARA fan base still brings them brownies. They still build statues for these murderers. They still take photos of them. Why? Is this who you truly are? Are our lives a game to you? Is murder really forgivable as long as you deem it just?

Last Saturday night, Sidney Bakabella had his head taken off by Oleg the Usurper. You people lined up to take photos with his corpse. You threw money at him. It was a spectacle. A joke, even. It is almost as if you all believe that “murder is fun when we feel that someone deserves it!”

Did Orbit Adventure Ant deserve to die? No. But wasn’t he a part of the faction who actively tried to kill the only thing I have ever loved, CHIKARA? His cohorts tried and succeeded in taking from me the only family I have ever known. He spent years trying to end careers. Did you watch Ashes? Did you see he and his friends poison and kidnap Jervis? Do you know or care what they did to him thereafter? Did you see them try to burn down the WrestleFactory with Worker Ant still inside?

He never once atoned for what he did or even showed signs of remorse. What’s worse is that you forgot about Orbit’s past and resolved yourself to smile at his cute, light-up space helmet. You chanted his name. You revered him as a hero.

Even as I squeezed his throat and held him high above my head, I could not accept that I was capable of murder. It was as if I was watching some awful, ugly version of me do something grisly just to prove a point. Is that who I have become?

When I was 15, a kid who was more like a brother to me, Frankie, hung himself from the drop ceiling in his basement. A few months later, a girl that I liked did roughly the same thing. They found her with claw marks on her neck. Up until her very last moments, she was crying out for help and no one heard her. Why didn’t I say anything? Why didn’t I act? What stopped me from doing more? These questions have haunted me for my entire life.

I have been crying out for help for years now and I have been met with ridicule. “You just want attention.”

No, I desperately need your attention.

But I don’t have health insurance. I can’t afford a doctor anymore. I have bulging discs in my back and you cheer when Mr. Touchdown gives me a spinning back-breaker. You smile when AJ Styles smashes my face with a flying elbow. I don’t have a family to listen to me or true friends to help ease my pain. They are dead, absentee or were never there in the first place. I only have a Troll who behaves more like an abused dog and spends most of the day sobbing or cowering.

I am all alone.

As for the ones who do try to get close to me, I abuse them. I step on their shine. I break their hearts. Why? Is it because I am a bad person? Or is it some subconscious, pre-emptive way of dealing with the eventual disappointment that they will cause me? Everyone I have ever known has let me down. It is all I know. Is this the way I’ve taught myself to handle it?

I am not a hero, I can’t even save myself. But perhaps I was never meant to be saved? Perhaps I should just give in and let the ugliness take over? Perhaps I should indulge my weaknesses and find new strengths in the deeper, darker regions of my soul?

I don’t know.

To Arctic Rescue Ant, whatever your name is, I am sorry. I felt out of body when I did what I did. It’s like, for the first time in my life I let go and when I came to, chaos was all around me. I am sorry that I took your friend from you. I am sorry that I made my pain, your pain.

I don’t think I’m strong enough to fight it anymore. Indulging the ugliness that clings to my soul is all I have left.

I draw my strength from you. Your positivity. Your kind words. Your support. But because of some invisible, unwritten, universal system of laws that appears to be in place, you continue to ridicule me. Is that what kayfabe is?

As wrestlers, we talk about it like it is a myth. Something that doesn’t exist. How can our actions not be perceived as real? How can you cheer one and chide another for the very same action? Aren’t your feelings real? Isn’t the emotion that you carry with you real? Are my tears fake? Is my pain fake?

We guffaw over such a thing. An invisible force that dictates our actions, thoughts, feelings. How absurd! It is like a trope of fantasy that people can’t or shouldn’t believe in. But here we are.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t better.

We all involuntarily walk a fine line between good and evil. One misstep and you could get stuck on one side or the other forever. Thunderfrog killed Tursas. Eddie killed Callux. Icarus killed Deucalion. Even Quack ended CombatANT’s career.

For some reason, the CHIKARA fan base still brings them brownies. They still build statues for these murderers. They still take photos of them. Why? Is this who you truly are? Are our lives a game to you? Is murder really forgivable as long as you deem it just?

Last Saturday night, Sidney Bakabella had his head taken off by Oleg the Usurper. You people lined up to take photos with his corpse. You threw money at him. It was a spectacle. A joke, even. It is almost as if you all believe that “murder is fun when we feel that someone deserves it!”

cero2k wrote:didn't know Thunderfrog had killed Tursas.

Big Red Machine wrote:

cero2k wrote:didn't know Thunderfrog had killed Tursas.

That was how they established that his Hammer of Peace or whatever could kill someone, setting up for it to be used by Icarus to kil Deucalion.

Another theory I've heard is that Deucalion was Condron's time-traveling future-self.

cero2k wrote:

Big Red Machine wrote:

cero2k wrote:didn't know Thunderfrog had killed Tursas.

That was how they established that his Hammer of Peace or whatever could kill someone, setting up for it to be used by Icarus to kil Deucalion.

Another theory I've heard is that Deucalion was Condron's time-traveling future-self.

oh ok, i missed that, always kinda knew the hammer was strong, so i wasn't surprised when Icarus used it. See, that's the type of thing that blogs used to explain so awesomely.

that Condron/Deucalion idea is really interesting, and I can totally see it. I'd love to see what would Condron's character would go through if he finds that out

Big Red Machine wrote: Sounds like a classic predestination paradox, so assume they'd do everyone's favorite variation on the predestination paradox and have Condron attempt to ensure that he never becomes Deucalion... which would, of course actually set him down the path that results in him becoming Deucalion.

cero2k wrote:

Big Red Machine wrote: Sounds like a classic predestination paradox, so assume they'd do everyone's favorite variation on the predestination paradox and have Condron attempt to ensure that he never becomes Deucalion... which would, of course actually set him down the path that results in him becoming Deucalion.

that's what I was thinking, but in terms of wanting to avoid being killed by Icarus, so Condron tries to kill Icarus

Big Red Machine wrote:So... Condron debuted his "snowflake" persona last weekend. He dresses like an exotico and apparently speaks in a British accent. Both of those were utterly terrible ideas.

KILLdozer wrote:So people get "killed' here. Interesting.