BRM Reviews the 5/8/2015 Impact
Posted: May 10th, '15, 01:57
OPENING SEGMENT- boring.
We start the show with EY in the ring, and the first words we hear are EY demanding “I want to know who the special ref is, and I want to know right now!” Following this statement, I heard the confused voices of many casual fans asking “what the hell is he talking about?”
EY claims to have been the #1 contender for five weeks, which sounded like there was no way in hell it could be an accurate statement… so I went back and checked and, of course, it wasn’t. He then went on to say such things as “I’m gonna be world champion one way or the other, and I’m gonna take it from you, Kurt Angle!” Dear G-d this was awful. Just completely generic crap delivered in a completely generic manner out of the mouth of a guy no one gives a sh*t about or takes seriously, wearing a jacket that appears to have the same logo on it as Legacy Era Star Wars books did.
Then Bully Ray showed up. In case you didn’t get the hint based off of either his referee’s shirt or the fact that he came out when EY demanded to know who the special guest referee was, Bully tells us all that he will be the special guest referee. If you’ll remember, the last time this man was a referee, he screwed someone over in a huge match. Well… at least this time I’ll only be annoyed when they give me a f*ck finish instead of being both annoyed and disappointed.
And come to think of it, who hired Bully? Was it Dixie Carter, who hates him? Or was it MVP, who also dislikes him because of their feud last year?
Well… the good news was that Bully was very over with the crowd, and also that Al Snow is not on commentary!
On this live show, we then cut to a video package with Bully still on the ramp and EY still in the ring, but after the video package ended, both were completely gone, having had no altercation whatsoever. That’s disappointing.
FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH: Mr. Anderson vs. Ethan Carter III (w/Tyrus)- 4/10
Okay… that completely dorky-looking father and son set of pro-EC III plants was FANTASTIC! And whoever those 15% of people who voted for an arm-wrestling match over an actual wrestling match are… you can all f*ck right off. Do not encourage TNA Creative to engage in that sort of dumbf*ckery.
The match itself had some good bumps in it, but it was WAY too short. This should have gotten 12-15 minutes, not six!
KURT ANGLE & BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE- Kurt wants to know if Bully will call the match right down the middle. Bully gives him a cryptic non-answer. So basically, they are giving us either a f*ck finish or a pointless swerve. Because the past nine years full of those have worked out so well.
GAIL AND KONG BACKSTAGE- Gail yells for no reason. It was annoying.
Anyway, their match will happen later tonight. Oh. Whoops. Sorry. I mean it’s up next. Way to be on cue there, TNA graphics, guy! You guys know that this show isn’t legit live, right?
Or… maybe it’s not next because here come the BDC. And it appears that Homicide had brought them those stupid masks that he and Eddie Kingston wore when they were… whatever the name of their sh*tty tag team in ROH was. And just like Homicide and Kingston, the BDC look like complete and total morons wearing those masks.
BDC & RISING- MVP annoyed the sh*t out of me by going to politics for heat when it made absolutely no sense. And I’m sure Destination America is going to be really happy with him using the N word. Just a bad idea in general. Why create legit negative attention for yourself when you don’t have to?
Josh Matthews actually believes that the babyfaces hired a guy to jump Homicide on the streets. That annoyed me. BE A BABYFACE, JOSH! As for Drew wondering if Kenny King did it… if this will actually lead to something between Cide and Kenny, great! If not, then there’s not point to it as it just makes our babyface look like a jerk.
SEE, MVP! SEE! All you needed to do to cut a good promo was say that you don’t care about the fan or pro wrestling, just about the money. Leave politics out of it!
WAIT! NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! F*ck this insider sh*t! What does “work-rate” mean? This is a kayfabe TV show! GAH!
DREW GALLOWAY (w/the Rising) vs. MVP (w/the BDC)- 5.5/10
MVP worked over Drew’s arm, but Drew won anyway, beating the big bad heel cleanly. There was no reason for this to happen before Slammiversary.
POST-MATH ANGLE- Eric Young jumped Drew with a chair. Why? To build up some intrigue for later tonight, because apparently a world title match and a special guest referee aren’t enough overbooking for TNA.
What they should have done was have this match booked in advance (you know, like a real promotion), then have Drew have to go at it alone because the BDC jumped his pals backstage. Have Drew lose because of interference by Kenny King, then have the BDC beat Drew down, but then SPUD comes out to make the save and join the Rising. THAT is the sort of big moment you need on a live show if you want to use its “live-ness” to full effect.
Not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but this configuration of the Impact Zone does a GREAT job of making the building look a lot bigger than it is.
JAMES STORM PROMO- his evil plan to break up Magnus and Mickie continues.
JAMES STORM & MICKIE JAMES SEGMENT- good stuff, but I just can’t buy the fact that Mickie hasn’t been watching the show which her fiancée is on, and thus she should know that James Storm is evil. If you ignore that, this is a REALLY good angle… but the problem is that the knowledge that James Storm is evil is what makes this angle so great.
Also, am I the only one who screamed when James Storm referred to a regular old picture taken by another person as a “selfie?”
EY & THE BDC BACKSTAGE- good, but mostly because of that one last line of EY’s- “when I’m world champion, we’re world champion,” which calls back to MVP’s comments to Lashley in January, and thus actually makes us think that MVP might go along with EY’s plan (in an effort to either control EY or eventually screw him and control the title directly).
GAIL KIM-TARYN TERRELL ANGLE FROM ROBERT IRIVINE’S LIVE SHOW- annoying.
Taryn is trying to drive a wedge between Gail and Gail’s stepdaughters who we have never met before. Did this company learn nothing from that awful Pope vs. Devon feud?
So first we get this video package telling us that the Knockouts are “powerful” and “strong” and “athletic”… and then they cut back to the show and IMMEDIATELY give a shot that pans the whole way up Christy Hemme’s body like she’s a piece of meat. Feminism fail!
HANDICAP MATCH: The Dollhouse vs. Gail Kim & Awesome Kong- 2.25/10
Am I the only one who noticed that the bell rang without Hebner ordering it? And while he was facing away from the timekeeper?
Anyway, this gimmick sucks. The match did, too, and that was mostly Marti Belle’s fault. This girl is terrible. Just cut her, let Taryn be the great heel she has shown flashes of and let Mia Yim be Mia Yim.
MICKIE AND MAGNUS BACKSTAGE- same comments as above. This was great, aside from the one gaping plot hole in this angle.
Also, how about NOT TAPING THIS DURING A SEGMENT THAT HAPPENED BEFORE THE INCIDENT IN QUESTION HAPPENED?! Or if you can’t do that, AT LEAST GO SOMEONE WHERE WE CAN’T HERE THE CROWD CHANTING FOR EC III?!
MATT HARDY ADDRESSES THE FUTURE OF THE TAG TITLES- they’re being vacated. The good news is that Matt’s promo very subtly set up for what should be one of the top angles at Bound For Glory, which should be the Hardys trying to regain the tag titles and prove that they’re still the best. The Wolves would obviously be the best opponents for them as the Hardys never lost the belts to the Wolves but the Wolves never lost the belts to the Hardys, either. Matt’s promo also subtly set up for the possibility of him turning on Jeff, but I really hope they don’t go that route.
THE REST OF THE TAG TITLES SEGMENT- Hooray for Austin Aries! Possibly the only man in this company who understands how wrestling should work! He GAVE US A REASON why he isn’t going after the man who ruined his world title shot and piledrove him onto the ring steps.
Aries and Roode said that they deserve to be the champs. Davey Richards then came out and said that he and Eddie should be champs. And I think he’s right. They never lost the belts, and the belts have to be vacated now anyway, so why shouldn’t they get them back to restore the lineage.
Anyway, the end result of this is a Best of Five Series to determine who the next champs will be. I guess this means Aries’ feud with EY will be put on hold for quite a while. Also… who in management is approving this? Why can these guys just come out and make a match for the vacant titles. That seems unfair to the other tag teams.
MATT HARDY & DREW GALLOWAY BACKSTAGE- Matt Hardy in the rising? Yeah… I hope not.
ANGELINA LOVE PROMO- she is confronted by… Velvet Sky, who appears to be cos-playing as an early 2003’s version of Rogue. Huh. I didn’t think anyone was reading my fanfics, but there you go!
Anyway, we’re getting YET ANOTHER Velvet vs. Angelina feud. And in this one they are pushing Velvet Sky as a stone-faced killer. Yes, really.
As Josh pointed out… VELVET IS NOT A TNA EMPLOYEE… so why the f*ck didn’t anyone stop her from jumping the barricade or getting in the ring. I hope Angelina sues the pants off of TNA, and she would be well within her rights to do so.
EY & BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE- again… either we’re getting a f*ck finish or a pointless swerve, and neither of those are good things!
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH WITH BULLY RAY AS THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE: Kurt Angle(c) vs. Eric Young- 6.75/10
It started out well but then became the over-booked clusterf*ck we all knew it would be… but at least it reminded us that Chris Melendez exists. That was totally worth it.
Josh Matthews congratulates Bully for not DQing EY… in other words, he is congratulating Bully for doing his job wrong. A DQ is not a f*ck finish in kayfabe terms.
A disappointing show from TNA. It’s the same old over-booked show it has always been. In particular, tough, I was disappointed that Anderson vs. EC III was so trivialized after all of the build that it got. That was a major mis-step, IMO.
We start the show with EY in the ring, and the first words we hear are EY demanding “I want to know who the special ref is, and I want to know right now!” Following this statement, I heard the confused voices of many casual fans asking “what the hell is he talking about?”
EY claims to have been the #1 contender for five weeks, which sounded like there was no way in hell it could be an accurate statement… so I went back and checked and, of course, it wasn’t. He then went on to say such things as “I’m gonna be world champion one way or the other, and I’m gonna take it from you, Kurt Angle!” Dear G-d this was awful. Just completely generic crap delivered in a completely generic manner out of the mouth of a guy no one gives a sh*t about or takes seriously, wearing a jacket that appears to have the same logo on it as Legacy Era Star Wars books did.
Then Bully Ray showed up. In case you didn’t get the hint based off of either his referee’s shirt or the fact that he came out when EY demanded to know who the special guest referee was, Bully tells us all that he will be the special guest referee. If you’ll remember, the last time this man was a referee, he screwed someone over in a huge match. Well… at least this time I’ll only be annoyed when they give me a f*ck finish instead of being both annoyed and disappointed.
And come to think of it, who hired Bully? Was it Dixie Carter, who hates him? Or was it MVP, who also dislikes him because of their feud last year?
Well… the good news was that Bully was very over with the crowd, and also that Al Snow is not on commentary!
On this live show, we then cut to a video package with Bully still on the ramp and EY still in the ring, but after the video package ended, both were completely gone, having had no altercation whatsoever. That’s disappointing.
FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH: Mr. Anderson vs. Ethan Carter III (w/Tyrus)- 4/10
Okay… that completely dorky-looking father and son set of pro-EC III plants was FANTASTIC! And whoever those 15% of people who voted for an arm-wrestling match over an actual wrestling match are… you can all f*ck right off. Do not encourage TNA Creative to engage in that sort of dumbf*ckery.
The match itself had some good bumps in it, but it was WAY too short. This should have gotten 12-15 minutes, not six!
KURT ANGLE & BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE- Kurt wants to know if Bully will call the match right down the middle. Bully gives him a cryptic non-answer. So basically, they are giving us either a f*ck finish or a pointless swerve. Because the past nine years full of those have worked out so well.
GAIL AND KONG BACKSTAGE- Gail yells for no reason. It was annoying.
Anyway, their match will happen later tonight. Oh. Whoops. Sorry. I mean it’s up next. Way to be on cue there, TNA graphics, guy! You guys know that this show isn’t legit live, right?
Or… maybe it’s not next because here come the BDC. And it appears that Homicide had brought them those stupid masks that he and Eddie Kingston wore when they were… whatever the name of their sh*tty tag team in ROH was. And just like Homicide and Kingston, the BDC look like complete and total morons wearing those masks.
BDC & RISING- MVP annoyed the sh*t out of me by going to politics for heat when it made absolutely no sense. And I’m sure Destination America is going to be really happy with him using the N word. Just a bad idea in general. Why create legit negative attention for yourself when you don’t have to?
Josh Matthews actually believes that the babyfaces hired a guy to jump Homicide on the streets. That annoyed me. BE A BABYFACE, JOSH! As for Drew wondering if Kenny King did it… if this will actually lead to something between Cide and Kenny, great! If not, then there’s not point to it as it just makes our babyface look like a jerk.
SEE, MVP! SEE! All you needed to do to cut a good promo was say that you don’t care about the fan or pro wrestling, just about the money. Leave politics out of it!
WAIT! NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! F*ck this insider sh*t! What does “work-rate” mean? This is a kayfabe TV show! GAH!
DREW GALLOWAY (w/the Rising) vs. MVP (w/the BDC)- 5.5/10
MVP worked over Drew’s arm, but Drew won anyway, beating the big bad heel cleanly. There was no reason for this to happen before Slammiversary.
POST-MATH ANGLE- Eric Young jumped Drew with a chair. Why? To build up some intrigue for later tonight, because apparently a world title match and a special guest referee aren’t enough overbooking for TNA.
What they should have done was have this match booked in advance (you know, like a real promotion), then have Drew have to go at it alone because the BDC jumped his pals backstage. Have Drew lose because of interference by Kenny King, then have the BDC beat Drew down, but then SPUD comes out to make the save and join the Rising. THAT is the sort of big moment you need on a live show if you want to use its “live-ness” to full effect.
Not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but this configuration of the Impact Zone does a GREAT job of making the building look a lot bigger than it is.
JAMES STORM PROMO- his evil plan to break up Magnus and Mickie continues.
JAMES STORM & MICKIE JAMES SEGMENT- good stuff, but I just can’t buy the fact that Mickie hasn’t been watching the show which her fiancée is on, and thus she should know that James Storm is evil. If you ignore that, this is a REALLY good angle… but the problem is that the knowledge that James Storm is evil is what makes this angle so great.
Also, am I the only one who screamed when James Storm referred to a regular old picture taken by another person as a “selfie?”
EY & THE BDC BACKSTAGE- good, but mostly because of that one last line of EY’s- “when I’m world champion, we’re world champion,” which calls back to MVP’s comments to Lashley in January, and thus actually makes us think that MVP might go along with EY’s plan (in an effort to either control EY or eventually screw him and control the title directly).
GAIL KIM-TARYN TERRELL ANGLE FROM ROBERT IRIVINE’S LIVE SHOW- annoying.
Taryn is trying to drive a wedge between Gail and Gail’s stepdaughters who we have never met before. Did this company learn nothing from that awful Pope vs. Devon feud?
So first we get this video package telling us that the Knockouts are “powerful” and “strong” and “athletic”… and then they cut back to the show and IMMEDIATELY give a shot that pans the whole way up Christy Hemme’s body like she’s a piece of meat. Feminism fail!
HANDICAP MATCH: The Dollhouse vs. Gail Kim & Awesome Kong- 2.25/10
Am I the only one who noticed that the bell rang without Hebner ordering it? And while he was facing away from the timekeeper?
Anyway, this gimmick sucks. The match did, too, and that was mostly Marti Belle’s fault. This girl is terrible. Just cut her, let Taryn be the great heel she has shown flashes of and let Mia Yim be Mia Yim.
MICKIE AND MAGNUS BACKSTAGE- same comments as above. This was great, aside from the one gaping plot hole in this angle.
Also, how about NOT TAPING THIS DURING A SEGMENT THAT HAPPENED BEFORE THE INCIDENT IN QUESTION HAPPENED?! Or if you can’t do that, AT LEAST GO SOMEONE WHERE WE CAN’T HERE THE CROWD CHANTING FOR EC III?!
MATT HARDY ADDRESSES THE FUTURE OF THE TAG TITLES- they’re being vacated. The good news is that Matt’s promo very subtly set up for what should be one of the top angles at Bound For Glory, which should be the Hardys trying to regain the tag titles and prove that they’re still the best. The Wolves would obviously be the best opponents for them as the Hardys never lost the belts to the Wolves but the Wolves never lost the belts to the Hardys, either. Matt’s promo also subtly set up for the possibility of him turning on Jeff, but I really hope they don’t go that route.
THE REST OF THE TAG TITLES SEGMENT- Hooray for Austin Aries! Possibly the only man in this company who understands how wrestling should work! He GAVE US A REASON why he isn’t going after the man who ruined his world title shot and piledrove him onto the ring steps.
Aries and Roode said that they deserve to be the champs. Davey Richards then came out and said that he and Eddie should be champs. And I think he’s right. They never lost the belts, and the belts have to be vacated now anyway, so why shouldn’t they get them back to restore the lineage.
Anyway, the end result of this is a Best of Five Series to determine who the next champs will be. I guess this means Aries’ feud with EY will be put on hold for quite a while. Also… who in management is approving this? Why can these guys just come out and make a match for the vacant titles. That seems unfair to the other tag teams.
MATT HARDY & DREW GALLOWAY BACKSTAGE- Matt Hardy in the rising? Yeah… I hope not.
ANGELINA LOVE PROMO- she is confronted by… Velvet Sky, who appears to be cos-playing as an early 2003’s version of Rogue. Huh. I didn’t think anyone was reading my fanfics, but there you go!
Anyway, we’re getting YET ANOTHER Velvet vs. Angelina feud. And in this one they are pushing Velvet Sky as a stone-faced killer. Yes, really.
As Josh pointed out… VELVET IS NOT A TNA EMPLOYEE… so why the f*ck didn’t anyone stop her from jumping the barricade or getting in the ring. I hope Angelina sues the pants off of TNA, and she would be well within her rights to do so.
EY & BULLY RAY BACKSTAGE- again… either we’re getting a f*ck finish or a pointless swerve, and neither of those are good things!
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH WITH BULLY RAY AS THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE: Kurt Angle(c) vs. Eric Young- 6.75/10
It started out well but then became the over-booked clusterf*ck we all knew it would be… but at least it reminded us that Chris Melendez exists. That was totally worth it.
Josh Matthews congratulates Bully for not DQing EY… in other words, he is congratulating Bully for doing his job wrong. A DQ is not a f*ck finish in kayfabe terms.
A disappointing show from TNA. It’s the same old over-booked show it has always been. In particular, tough, I was disappointed that Anderson vs. EC III was so trivialized after all of the build that it got. That was a major mis-step, IMO.