BRM Reviews the 3/6/2015 Impact (very disappointing)
Posted: Mar 7th, '15, 23:30
Tonight’s main event will be the top three guys in the top 5 rankings competing in a triple threat match to earn a shot at the World Heavyweight Title. They are Kurt Angle, Bobby Roode, and Eric Young. I don’t know what the rankings going into last week were because they were never mentioned last week.
When last we saw the rankings two weeks ago, Kurt was #1, while EY and Roode were unranked. Since then, Kurt has lost a match, while EY won a match, and Roode hasn’t wrestled at all. And somehow Kurt is still #1, Roode has jumped up to #2, and EY is number three. Again: THE GUY WHO LOST IS RANKED #1, THE GUY WHO HASN’T WRESTLED AT ALL IS #2, AND THE GUY WHO ACTUALLY WON A MATCH IS #3! So in TNA, losing is good, and winning is bad.
Well… at last they made wins and losses finally matter.
And who was #4 and #5 in the top five? WE DON’T KNOW BECAUSE THEY NEVER TOLD US. I guess it’s really not that important then, is it?
OPENING SEGMENT- cheap indy sh*t (aside from Kenny King, who was awesome)
The BDC came out and Kenng King cut what I thought was a great promo on Drew Galloway, but the fans seemed to be chanting “boring.” Then MVP cut an okay promo saying they would give Drew a chance to “come out here and explain your motivation.” The “explain your motivation” line was just horrid. No one talks like that in real life. It feels like he just read the booker’s notes on what this segment was supposed to accomplish.
Roman Reigns Drew Galloway showed up in the crowd and said he was here surrounded by “wrestling fans. Not sports entertainment fans. WRESTLING FANS!” Sorry pal. You just joined a company that just introduced an ass-backwards rating system that takes a huge sh*t on the most important part of the “this is a combat sport!” feel of wrestling: that wins and losses matter. So no. You don’t get to say that anymore.
Drew says he is here to stick up for the powerless. To give the fans a voice. So basically, he’s CM Scot. He said he was tired of people dictating what wrestling we could watch and trying to dictate who the champion should be even though the fans really know who the champion should be and I was honestly afraid that a “DANIEL BRYAN!” chant was about to break out.
As you can probably tell, I HATED this. This is the sort of thing that indy companies did in the early and mid-2000’s- try to paint themselves as the “real professional wrestling” promotion as opposed to the “sports entertainment” WWE… and it never worked. Selling yourself by just screaming “we’re real pro wrestling and WWE is a fake dumb sports entertainment soap opera” does not actually grow your business. To grow your business YOU YOURSELF have be ABOUT something. Look at the most successful indy promotions today: ROH, DGUSA/EVOLVE, PWG, CHIKARA, AIW. They have all established themselves as being about something other than just opposition to WWE. TNA doing this just comes off as SOOOOO indy, in the worst possible way.
Then Kenny King said that if the BDC didn’t get to beat Drew up tonight, they would go to his parents’ house and beat them up instead. So no: TNA is definitely not soap opera sports entertainment… but if Drew doesn’t agree to have a professional wrestling match with the BDC, the BDC are going to go and assault his parents. Yeah. That’s not crappy sports entertainment at all.
Drew says he “came to TNA to stand up for wrestling.” Again... HOW?! Is pro wrestling somehow in danger, and Drew will be able to save it by fighting other pro wrestlers and maybe winning a title or two? Josh Matthews would later comment that “Drew Galloway has made his intentions crystal clear.” No he hasn’t! He’s just speaking in abstract terms that make absolutely no kayfabe sense!
He told Kenny that he’d fight him right now if Kenny sent the BDC to the back. Kenny was once again great on the mic in accepting this challenge.
KENNY KING vs. DREW GALLOWAY- 4.5/10
So about three seconds into the match, the BDC came out back out. Drew got distracted allowing Kenny to beat him down. This didn’t get heel heat on the BDC for cheating. It just made Drew look like a f*cking idiot for believing them.
MVP actually got IN THE RING AND WALKED AROUND, and not once did TNA Senior Official Earl Hebner in any way try to prevent him from doing anything. But then, once MVP got out of the ring, Earl sent the whole faction to the back.
They did some good stuff, but the match was mostly eh. The BDC came out after the match so Drew high-tailed it through the crowd. Low Ki attempted to give chase but was thwarted by the guardrail. *Insert Low Ki height joke here*
They then cut to Josh and Taz in the announcers’ booth, which I know because TNA helpfully put up a graphic for anyone who might not have figured out that the room the announcers are sitting in is the “announcers’ booth,” as opposed to the locker room or the bathroom or the kitchen or something. Or maybe they just wanted to show me that they now understand where to put the apostrophe, which they had completely failed at in both that atrocious skit in Sam Shaw’s childhood home as well as the even more atrocious “Joker’s Wild” One Night Only PPV last year.
In the booth, Taz’s attempt to build up the #1 contendership match completely and totally failed. Also, their graphic failed, as it listed them as the “#1 contender,” “#2 contender,” and “#3 contender” which would mean that they are all already getting title shots and in the order shown.
Even worse, Taz reverted to his obnoxious, terrible commentator self, being combative and narcissistic for no reason.
If you think I’m getting bitter and nit-picky, I just want you to know that I am actually quite excited for both the tag team and knockouts title matches.
SEGMENT TO BUILD UP THE MAIN EVENT- Roode came out and cut a good babyface promo saying that he EY tried to put him down but he’s still here and now he’s going to win the main event and then win the world title. Then Kurt Angle came out and was needlessly confrontational and even offered to just fight Roode right now because Bobby had dared to express a desire to become World Heavyweight Champion. While Angle was walking down the ramp, EY came out of the crowd and jumped Roode from behind, and not only did Kurt not warn Bobby, he sure took his sweet time to come in and make the save. After he did, EY attempted to launch the worst sneak-attack in history on Kurt, but got taken out by Kurt and Roode. Then Kurt and Roode had a staredown.
This segment was entirely pointless. We learned nothing new from it at all, and all it served to do was make Kurt, a top babyface, look like kind of a jerk, and then give us a horribly lame “preview” of the main event. What a waste of time!
TARYN-KONG VIDEO PACKAGE- f*cking awesome!
Taryn is a valiant, never-say-die babyface living her lifelong dream, and Kong is big, scary force of destruction who has bulldozed everything in her path, including Taryn. Will Taryn be able to retain her title? I don’t know, but I sure can’t wait to find out!
BRAM IS TALKING TO… BRAM FROM AN ALTERNATE REALITY?- wait. No. It’s James Storm. He and Bram had an evil meeting backstage, and it was good. Unfortunately, though, their “I like what you did to Magnus.” “I like what you did to Jeff” exchange reminded me of this unintentionally hilarious moment in WWE history:
KURT ANGLE VIDEO PACKAGE- again… f*cking awesome!
MATT HARDY vs. BRAM- 2/10
The announcers are trying to sell that Matt Hardy, holder of many, many titles throughout his illustrious career, was somehow the underdog against Bram, a man who, according to Wikipedia has literally won ONE title in his entire career, from an indy so small I’ve never heard of it.
Neither announcer batted an eyelash when Bram kicked Matt right in the balls. Also, I learned that Bram’s finisher has a stupid name: “The Brighter Side of Suffering.”
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Bram tries to hit Matt with a turnbuckle but Magnus made his big return and made the save. Then he cut an AWESOME promo!
ANDERSON & SPUD BACKSTAGE- not particularly good or anything, but Spud promised that he was going to end things tonight, and I for one cannot wait for this feud to end, so… HOORAY!
DREW MCINTYRE PROMO- so he basically said that WWE’s booking is what turns people off to wrestling, but to try and have it make sense, he basically replaced the word’s “the Authority” with “the Beat Down Clan.” The great irony, of course, is that in burying WWE’s booking, he has told us that TNA’s booking is exactly the same.
He also said that his fight to stand up for wrestling (against the BDC, I assume, based on this promo) “begins tonight.” So what has he been doing for the past two weeks?
SPUD & EC III SEGMENT-okay
GRRRR… more stupid sh*t about EC III still being undefeated. Not only has he lost before, but when he lost, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BIG DEAL! They made a big deal out of it being the first time that EC III had bled in his career, and Ethan losing that match led to the end of the MVP-Dixie Carter alliance. And it’s not like this is ancient history or anything. It was nine months ago. And yet now we’re just supposed to forget that it ever happened, so that they can have someone else end Ethan’s “undefeated streak” and have that be a big deal. The problem, of course, is that by claiming he is undefeated when he clearly isn’t, they are telling us that NOTHING MATTERS because they can just erase it from continuity at their earliest convenience… so why should I care about Spud ending this “undefeated” streak in the first place?
Spud wants a match with Ethan with no interference. Ethan says only if Spud will put his hair on the line. Spud says okay, then asks Ethan to put his own hair on the line, and Ethan agrees for some reason. Spud’s little promo at the end was good, but other than that, his was really boring.
ERIC YOUNG VIDEO PACKAGE- they described him as “an athlete that embodies power.” Because when I think of powerful wrestlers, I always immediately thing of Eric Young. Aside from that, this was good. Oh. And also aside from the part where they referred to their ring as a “battlefield hexagon.”
TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Taryn Terrell(c) vs. Awesome Kong- 2/10 (and a big “F*CK YOU, TNA!” as well on the finish).
So the match is going along well and they’re telling this great story they’ve built up, which is that Taryn hasn’t ever even knocked Kong off of her feet. Taryn charges in for a Thesz Press to start the match… but Kong just throws her off. Taryn does some running shoulder tackles… Kong doesn’t budge, and then knocks Taryn down off of one. Taryn goes to the top rope and connects with a flying clothesline… AND KONG STILL DOESN’T BUDGE! Kong throws Taryn around a bit, but Taryn manages to stagger her, then goes to the top rope and hits a HUGE diving crossbody with all of her weight… and finally the big scary monster goes down (are you paying attention, Mr. Ishii? That’s called “psychology”).
So Taryn has now finally gotten the big monster off of her feet and she goes for the cover… and Kong just powers her off, sending Taryn flying… and it wasn’t even a nearfall. She kicked out at one.
Taryn goes for her finisher, but Kong just shoves her down. Kong goes for the very finisher that she has laid Taryn out with twice in the preceding weeks… BUT TARYN COUNTERS IT AND GOES FOR THE TARYN CUTTER AGAIN… And Kong just shoves her down, not budging at all.
At this point, a million awesome ways for this story to go are running through my mind. How great would it be Taryn wears Kong down enough and finally hits her finisher… and Kong kicks out. Maybe Taryn gets to kick out of the Implant Buster, so Kong goes to the top rope to squash her with a diving splash, but Taryn recovers enough to cut Kong off on the top and then hits a SUPER Taryn cutter to put Kong down. How awesome would that be?
Or maybe the story winds up being that Taryn just can’t hit Kong with the cutter, so she has to develop a new finisher that she actually can hit Kong with. Maybe a submission move of some kind? Or maybe (sadly) Taryn really can’t beat Kong, so Kong wins the title, and THEN Taryn has to come up with some sort of new strategy to beat Kong and win the belt back, and you build the rematch up like that? Or maybe combine it all by going back to that “Taryn kicks out of the Implant Buster so Kong goes to hit her with a big splash” idea, but Taryn rolls out of the way and rolls Kong over for the fluky win, which keeps Kong strong for a rematch which you build up with the “Taryn needs a new strategy to beat Kong” angle.
Any or all of those would have been totally cool.
Instead, we got a bit of offense by Kong, followed by Kong shoving the referee for a DQ. F*CK YOU, TNA!
Then Kong beats Taryn up around the ring until Gail Kim comes out to make the save because TNA has no idea how to do anything new, so we have to see the Kong vs. Gail feud again. Yes, that feud was great, but these women are now seven years older than they were then. They are seven years more banged up from the road. It won’t be as good or as special as it was, and not only is it a rehash, but it is a rehash that is being rushed. This could conceivably draw on a PPV (you know… like Kong vs. Havok could have. Or the Gail-Taryn rubber match). Don’t give it away for free. Wait until you have a PPV lined up and actually make some money off of it (a foreign concept to TNA, I know).
The Knockouts Title has only been around for seven and a half years (and only seven going back to when Taryn actually won it), and they have already had THIRTY-NINE title reigns. For comparison, the Divas Title is nine months younger and is up to twenty-five reigns. That’s WAY too many title switches.
WOLVES vs. REVOLUTION VIDEO PACKAGE- good.
BOBBY ROODE VIDEO PACKAGE- f*cking awesome!
TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: James Storm & Abyss(c) (w/the Revolution) vs. The Wolves- 5.75/10
Inexplicably, TNA decided abandon standard protocol and had the champions enter first. Well… not “inexplicably.” There was an explanation (so that the other members of the Revolution could attack Davey and Eddie from behind during their entrance). There just wasn’t any kayfabe explanation. If you want to have them attack The Wolves from behind during their entrance, why not just follow standard protocol and have the Wolves- the challengers, enter first?
Taz claimed to have been part of “a revolution” back in the day. This led to Josh being an idiot and saying things like “you are an American. Maybe you were part of the American Revolution?” I hate these two so much.
In the last match, Kong shoved the ref, which was a DQ. In this match, Abyss goozled the referee. Somehow this was not a DQ. Stiffler also didn’t call for a DQ when he turned around and saw Manik grabbing Eddie and holding his arms behind his back, but a few seconds later, he did scold Abyss for hitting Eddie with a closed fist. Then Abyss went to get Storm’s cowbell and Stiffler took action. He grabbed the rope back and he and a Abyss had a quick tug of war and STIFFLER WON. Yes. Brian “the world’s least competent referee” Stiffler is strong than “THE MONSTER” Abyss.
Matt Hardy hit Abyss with a Twist of Fate to set up the Wolves hitting the hammer of the gods and winning because G-d knows this company can’t have the babyfaces win on their own or anything because that would mean they couldn’t engage in their favorite past-time: OVERBOOKING!
At the end of the match, Taz let us know that he was “so confused” during this match. If this match confused you, you shouldn’t be an announcer. Despite the fact that Taz was so confused, Josh threw it to Taz to break down the action in this match when they came back from a commercial break.
MATT HARDY & THE WOLVES BACKSTAGE- good.
Matt says puts the Wolves over as worthy champions and says that he and Jeff are coming after the titles as soon as Jeff gets healthy. Davey and Eddie thanked him for putting them over and said they’d love to defend the titles against the Hardys. Which one seems more real to you? This segment, or the early one with Roode and Angle? Who comes off as more likeable: Kurt Angle or the Wolves?
RUNDOWN FOR NEXT WEEK’S SHOW: It will be Magnus vs. Bram. Also, the Spud vs. EC III Hair vs. Hair match will take place next week. Despite the fact that Spud wanted to ensure that it was just them and no one else got involved, no precautions have been taken to ensure that no one interferes.
WINNER GETS A SHOT AT THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: Kurt Angle vs. Eric Young vs. Bobby Roode- 5.5/10
Stuff happens. Tower of Doom spot. Kurt hits a bunch of suplexes. Three minutes of finishers and teases. That was this entire match. No story or anything interesting (you know, like the way that Taz and Josh wre building the match up wondering if Roode’s hatred for EY might cause him to forgo a chance to win the match in order to hurt his mortal enemy). Just a bunch of stuff.
This big main event match went just ten minutes. If they hadn’t don that pointless segment earlier, they could have probably gone fifteen here.
Here’s a hint: if you only have ten minutes for a main event match, don’t waste two of them with Kurt giving the same guy ten straight German Suplexes. In fact, how about we don’t give anyone ten straight German Suplexes anymore, and instead start treating the move like it actually means something?
Anyway, the finish was a ref bump (because it wouldn’t be a TNA main event without one), followed by EY hitting Roode in the head with a chair, then Kurt knocked EY off the apron, hit an Angle Slam and got the pin. Why would you taint Kurt’s win going into the big title match you’ve been building up for what feels like months at this point?
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Roode and Kurt hugged, because hugging the guy who pinned you is exactly what you would do if you lost a match after being hit in the head with a foreign object. Kurt and Lashley had a staredown which managed to not feel intense at all.
An extremely disappointing show from TNA. There matches all could have been great, but were gutted for time and then overbooked. Yes, even with JUST FIVE MATCHES ON A TWO-HOUR SHOW, they managed to make everything feel like it was being cut for time.
One thing I will say for TNA is that they did make pretty much everything on this show feel important, and the video packages almost all fantastic, but in the ring and creatively, the product just sucks right now.
STUPID ANNOUNER QUOTES:
1. Taz failed to grasp many important factors about the mathematical concept of a circumference. First and foremost that HEXAGONS DO NOT HAVE THEM!
2. Josh Matthews- “Bobby Roode is the penultimate TNA World Heavyweight Champion.”
Not unless Josh knows something I don’t and TNA is announcing that they’re going out of business tomorrow. You are only the “penultimate champion” if you are the second to last champion EVER. Not just to date.
3. Taz (and agreed to by Josh)- “If it wasn’t for EC III, Spud wouldn’t even be in Impact Wrestling.”
I guess we’re just forgetting the fact that he won British Bootcamp?
4. Eddie Edwards was on the apron, patiently waiting for a tag. Taz described this as Eddie “percolating.” Why has this man not been fired? Or at least told that he’ll be fired if he doesn’t take a few English courses at a local community college or something?
5. Matt Hardy came out to help fight off the Revolution guys interfering on the outside. Josh described this as Matt coming out to “even up the odds,” despite the fact that this only made it five-on-three. So apparently neither TNA announcer can pass a high school math class.
When last we saw the rankings two weeks ago, Kurt was #1, while EY and Roode were unranked. Since then, Kurt has lost a match, while EY won a match, and Roode hasn’t wrestled at all. And somehow Kurt is still #1, Roode has jumped up to #2, and EY is number three. Again: THE GUY WHO LOST IS RANKED #1, THE GUY WHO HASN’T WRESTLED AT ALL IS #2, AND THE GUY WHO ACTUALLY WON A MATCH IS #3! So in TNA, losing is good, and winning is bad.
Well… at last they made wins and losses finally matter.
And who was #4 and #5 in the top five? WE DON’T KNOW BECAUSE THEY NEVER TOLD US. I guess it’s really not that important then, is it?
OPENING SEGMENT- cheap indy sh*t (aside from Kenny King, who was awesome)
The BDC came out and Kenng King cut what I thought was a great promo on Drew Galloway, but the fans seemed to be chanting “boring.” Then MVP cut an okay promo saying they would give Drew a chance to “come out here and explain your motivation.” The “explain your motivation” line was just horrid. No one talks like that in real life. It feels like he just read the booker’s notes on what this segment was supposed to accomplish.
Drew says he is here to stick up for the powerless. To give the fans a voice. So basically, he’s CM Scot. He said he was tired of people dictating what wrestling we could watch and trying to dictate who the champion should be even though the fans really know who the champion should be and I was honestly afraid that a “DANIEL BRYAN!” chant was about to break out.
As you can probably tell, I HATED this. This is the sort of thing that indy companies did in the early and mid-2000’s- try to paint themselves as the “real professional wrestling” promotion as opposed to the “sports entertainment” WWE… and it never worked. Selling yourself by just screaming “we’re real pro wrestling and WWE is a fake dumb sports entertainment soap opera” does not actually grow your business. To grow your business YOU YOURSELF have be ABOUT something. Look at the most successful indy promotions today: ROH, DGUSA/EVOLVE, PWG, CHIKARA, AIW. They have all established themselves as being about something other than just opposition to WWE. TNA doing this just comes off as SOOOOO indy, in the worst possible way.
Then Kenny King said that if the BDC didn’t get to beat Drew up tonight, they would go to his parents’ house and beat them up instead. So no: TNA is definitely not soap opera sports entertainment… but if Drew doesn’t agree to have a professional wrestling match with the BDC, the BDC are going to go and assault his parents. Yeah. That’s not crappy sports entertainment at all.
Drew says he “came to TNA to stand up for wrestling.” Again... HOW?! Is pro wrestling somehow in danger, and Drew will be able to save it by fighting other pro wrestlers and maybe winning a title or two? Josh Matthews would later comment that “Drew Galloway has made his intentions crystal clear.” No he hasn’t! He’s just speaking in abstract terms that make absolutely no kayfabe sense!
He told Kenny that he’d fight him right now if Kenny sent the BDC to the back. Kenny was once again great on the mic in accepting this challenge.
KENNY KING vs. DREW GALLOWAY- 4.5/10
So about three seconds into the match, the BDC came out back out. Drew got distracted allowing Kenny to beat him down. This didn’t get heel heat on the BDC for cheating. It just made Drew look like a f*cking idiot for believing them.
MVP actually got IN THE RING AND WALKED AROUND, and not once did TNA Senior Official Earl Hebner in any way try to prevent him from doing anything. But then, once MVP got out of the ring, Earl sent the whole faction to the back.
They did some good stuff, but the match was mostly eh. The BDC came out after the match so Drew high-tailed it through the crowd. Low Ki attempted to give chase but was thwarted by the guardrail. *Insert Low Ki height joke here*
They then cut to Josh and Taz in the announcers’ booth, which I know because TNA helpfully put up a graphic for anyone who might not have figured out that the room the announcers are sitting in is the “announcers’ booth,” as opposed to the locker room or the bathroom or the kitchen or something. Or maybe they just wanted to show me that they now understand where to put the apostrophe, which they had completely failed at in both that atrocious skit in Sam Shaw’s childhood home as well as the even more atrocious “Joker’s Wild” One Night Only PPV last year.
In the booth, Taz’s attempt to build up the #1 contendership match completely and totally failed. Also, their graphic failed, as it listed them as the “#1 contender,” “#2 contender,” and “#3 contender” which would mean that they are all already getting title shots and in the order shown.
Even worse, Taz reverted to his obnoxious, terrible commentator self, being combative and narcissistic for no reason.
If you think I’m getting bitter and nit-picky, I just want you to know that I am actually quite excited for both the tag team and knockouts title matches.
SEGMENT TO BUILD UP THE MAIN EVENT- Roode came out and cut a good babyface promo saying that he EY tried to put him down but he’s still here and now he’s going to win the main event and then win the world title. Then Kurt Angle came out and was needlessly confrontational and even offered to just fight Roode right now because Bobby had dared to express a desire to become World Heavyweight Champion. While Angle was walking down the ramp, EY came out of the crowd and jumped Roode from behind, and not only did Kurt not warn Bobby, he sure took his sweet time to come in and make the save. After he did, EY attempted to launch the worst sneak-attack in history on Kurt, but got taken out by Kurt and Roode. Then Kurt and Roode had a staredown.
This segment was entirely pointless. We learned nothing new from it at all, and all it served to do was make Kurt, a top babyface, look like kind of a jerk, and then give us a horribly lame “preview” of the main event. What a waste of time!
TARYN-KONG VIDEO PACKAGE- f*cking awesome!
Taryn is a valiant, never-say-die babyface living her lifelong dream, and Kong is big, scary force of destruction who has bulldozed everything in her path, including Taryn. Will Taryn be able to retain her title? I don’t know, but I sure can’t wait to find out!
BRAM IS TALKING TO… BRAM FROM AN ALTERNATE REALITY?- wait. No. It’s James Storm. He and Bram had an evil meeting backstage, and it was good. Unfortunately, though, their “I like what you did to Magnus.” “I like what you did to Jeff” exchange reminded me of this unintentionally hilarious moment in WWE history:
KURT ANGLE VIDEO PACKAGE- again… f*cking awesome!
MATT HARDY vs. BRAM- 2/10
The announcers are trying to sell that Matt Hardy, holder of many, many titles throughout his illustrious career, was somehow the underdog against Bram, a man who, according to Wikipedia has literally won ONE title in his entire career, from an indy so small I’ve never heard of it.
Neither announcer batted an eyelash when Bram kicked Matt right in the balls. Also, I learned that Bram’s finisher has a stupid name: “The Brighter Side of Suffering.”
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Bram tries to hit Matt with a turnbuckle but Magnus made his big return and made the save. Then he cut an AWESOME promo!
ANDERSON & SPUD BACKSTAGE- not particularly good or anything, but Spud promised that he was going to end things tonight, and I for one cannot wait for this feud to end, so… HOORAY!
DREW MCINTYRE PROMO- so he basically said that WWE’s booking is what turns people off to wrestling, but to try and have it make sense, he basically replaced the word’s “the Authority” with “the Beat Down Clan.” The great irony, of course, is that in burying WWE’s booking, he has told us that TNA’s booking is exactly the same.
He also said that his fight to stand up for wrestling (against the BDC, I assume, based on this promo) “begins tonight.” So what has he been doing for the past two weeks?
SPUD & EC III SEGMENT-okay
GRRRR… more stupid sh*t about EC III still being undefeated. Not only has he lost before, but when he lost, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BIG DEAL! They made a big deal out of it being the first time that EC III had bled in his career, and Ethan losing that match led to the end of the MVP-Dixie Carter alliance. And it’s not like this is ancient history or anything. It was nine months ago. And yet now we’re just supposed to forget that it ever happened, so that they can have someone else end Ethan’s “undefeated streak” and have that be a big deal. The problem, of course, is that by claiming he is undefeated when he clearly isn’t, they are telling us that NOTHING MATTERS because they can just erase it from continuity at their earliest convenience… so why should I care about Spud ending this “undefeated” streak in the first place?
Spud wants a match with Ethan with no interference. Ethan says only if Spud will put his hair on the line. Spud says okay, then asks Ethan to put his own hair on the line, and Ethan agrees for some reason. Spud’s little promo at the end was good, but other than that, his was really boring.
ERIC YOUNG VIDEO PACKAGE- they described him as “an athlete that embodies power.” Because when I think of powerful wrestlers, I always immediately thing of Eric Young. Aside from that, this was good. Oh. And also aside from the part where they referred to their ring as a “battlefield hexagon.”
TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Taryn Terrell(c) vs. Awesome Kong- 2/10 (and a big “F*CK YOU, TNA!” as well on the finish).
So the match is going along well and they’re telling this great story they’ve built up, which is that Taryn hasn’t ever even knocked Kong off of her feet. Taryn charges in for a Thesz Press to start the match… but Kong just throws her off. Taryn does some running shoulder tackles… Kong doesn’t budge, and then knocks Taryn down off of one. Taryn goes to the top rope and connects with a flying clothesline… AND KONG STILL DOESN’T BUDGE! Kong throws Taryn around a bit, but Taryn manages to stagger her, then goes to the top rope and hits a HUGE diving crossbody with all of her weight… and finally the big scary monster goes down (are you paying attention, Mr. Ishii? That’s called “psychology”).
So Taryn has now finally gotten the big monster off of her feet and she goes for the cover… and Kong just powers her off, sending Taryn flying… and it wasn’t even a nearfall. She kicked out at one.
Taryn goes for her finisher, but Kong just shoves her down. Kong goes for the very finisher that she has laid Taryn out with twice in the preceding weeks… BUT TARYN COUNTERS IT AND GOES FOR THE TARYN CUTTER AGAIN… And Kong just shoves her down, not budging at all.
At this point, a million awesome ways for this story to go are running through my mind. How great would it be Taryn wears Kong down enough and finally hits her finisher… and Kong kicks out. Maybe Taryn gets to kick out of the Implant Buster, so Kong goes to the top rope to squash her with a diving splash, but Taryn recovers enough to cut Kong off on the top and then hits a SUPER Taryn cutter to put Kong down. How awesome would that be?
Or maybe the story winds up being that Taryn just can’t hit Kong with the cutter, so she has to develop a new finisher that she actually can hit Kong with. Maybe a submission move of some kind? Or maybe (sadly) Taryn really can’t beat Kong, so Kong wins the title, and THEN Taryn has to come up with some sort of new strategy to beat Kong and win the belt back, and you build the rematch up like that? Or maybe combine it all by going back to that “Taryn kicks out of the Implant Buster so Kong goes to hit her with a big splash” idea, but Taryn rolls out of the way and rolls Kong over for the fluky win, which keeps Kong strong for a rematch which you build up with the “Taryn needs a new strategy to beat Kong” angle.
Any or all of those would have been totally cool.
Instead, we got a bit of offense by Kong, followed by Kong shoving the referee for a DQ. F*CK YOU, TNA!
Then Kong beats Taryn up around the ring until Gail Kim comes out to make the save because TNA has no idea how to do anything new, so we have to see the Kong vs. Gail feud again. Yes, that feud was great, but these women are now seven years older than they were then. They are seven years more banged up from the road. It won’t be as good or as special as it was, and not only is it a rehash, but it is a rehash that is being rushed. This could conceivably draw on a PPV (you know… like Kong vs. Havok could have. Or the Gail-Taryn rubber match). Don’t give it away for free. Wait until you have a PPV lined up and actually make some money off of it (a foreign concept to TNA, I know).
The Knockouts Title has only been around for seven and a half years (and only seven going back to when Taryn actually won it), and they have already had THIRTY-NINE title reigns. For comparison, the Divas Title is nine months younger and is up to twenty-five reigns. That’s WAY too many title switches.
WOLVES vs. REVOLUTION VIDEO PACKAGE- good.
BOBBY ROODE VIDEO PACKAGE- f*cking awesome!
TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: James Storm & Abyss(c) (w/the Revolution) vs. The Wolves- 5.75/10
Inexplicably, TNA decided abandon standard protocol and had the champions enter first. Well… not “inexplicably.” There was an explanation (so that the other members of the Revolution could attack Davey and Eddie from behind during their entrance). There just wasn’t any kayfabe explanation. If you want to have them attack The Wolves from behind during their entrance, why not just follow standard protocol and have the Wolves- the challengers, enter first?
Taz claimed to have been part of “a revolution” back in the day. This led to Josh being an idiot and saying things like “you are an American. Maybe you were part of the American Revolution?” I hate these two so much.
In the last match, Kong shoved the ref, which was a DQ. In this match, Abyss goozled the referee. Somehow this was not a DQ. Stiffler also didn’t call for a DQ when he turned around and saw Manik grabbing Eddie and holding his arms behind his back, but a few seconds later, he did scold Abyss for hitting Eddie with a closed fist. Then Abyss went to get Storm’s cowbell and Stiffler took action. He grabbed the rope back and he and a Abyss had a quick tug of war and STIFFLER WON. Yes. Brian “the world’s least competent referee” Stiffler is strong than “THE MONSTER” Abyss.
Matt Hardy hit Abyss with a Twist of Fate to set up the Wolves hitting the hammer of the gods and winning because G-d knows this company can’t have the babyfaces win on their own or anything because that would mean they couldn’t engage in their favorite past-time: OVERBOOKING!
At the end of the match, Taz let us know that he was “so confused” during this match. If this match confused you, you shouldn’t be an announcer. Despite the fact that Taz was so confused, Josh threw it to Taz to break down the action in this match when they came back from a commercial break.
MATT HARDY & THE WOLVES BACKSTAGE- good.
Matt says puts the Wolves over as worthy champions and says that he and Jeff are coming after the titles as soon as Jeff gets healthy. Davey and Eddie thanked him for putting them over and said they’d love to defend the titles against the Hardys. Which one seems more real to you? This segment, or the early one with Roode and Angle? Who comes off as more likeable: Kurt Angle or the Wolves?
RUNDOWN FOR NEXT WEEK’S SHOW: It will be Magnus vs. Bram. Also, the Spud vs. EC III Hair vs. Hair match will take place next week. Despite the fact that Spud wanted to ensure that it was just them and no one else got involved, no precautions have been taken to ensure that no one interferes.
WINNER GETS A SHOT AT THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: Kurt Angle vs. Eric Young vs. Bobby Roode- 5.5/10
Stuff happens. Tower of Doom spot. Kurt hits a bunch of suplexes. Three minutes of finishers and teases. That was this entire match. No story or anything interesting (you know, like the way that Taz and Josh wre building the match up wondering if Roode’s hatred for EY might cause him to forgo a chance to win the match in order to hurt his mortal enemy). Just a bunch of stuff.
This big main event match went just ten minutes. If they hadn’t don that pointless segment earlier, they could have probably gone fifteen here.
Here’s a hint: if you only have ten minutes for a main event match, don’t waste two of them with Kurt giving the same guy ten straight German Suplexes. In fact, how about we don’t give anyone ten straight German Suplexes anymore, and instead start treating the move like it actually means something?
Anyway, the finish was a ref bump (because it wouldn’t be a TNA main event without one), followed by EY hitting Roode in the head with a chair, then Kurt knocked EY off the apron, hit an Angle Slam and got the pin. Why would you taint Kurt’s win going into the big title match you’ve been building up for what feels like months at this point?
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Roode and Kurt hugged, because hugging the guy who pinned you is exactly what you would do if you lost a match after being hit in the head with a foreign object. Kurt and Lashley had a staredown which managed to not feel intense at all.
An extremely disappointing show from TNA. There matches all could have been great, but were gutted for time and then overbooked. Yes, even with JUST FIVE MATCHES ON A TWO-HOUR SHOW, they managed to make everything feel like it was being cut for time.
One thing I will say for TNA is that they did make pretty much everything on this show feel important, and the video packages almost all fantastic, but in the ring and creatively, the product just sucks right now.
STUPID ANNOUNER QUOTES:
1. Taz failed to grasp many important factors about the mathematical concept of a circumference. First and foremost that HEXAGONS DO NOT HAVE THEM!
2. Josh Matthews- “Bobby Roode is the penultimate TNA World Heavyweight Champion.”
Not unless Josh knows something I don’t and TNA is announcing that they’re going out of business tomorrow. You are only the “penultimate champion” if you are the second to last champion EVER. Not just to date.
3. Taz (and agreed to by Josh)- “If it wasn’t for EC III, Spud wouldn’t even be in Impact Wrestling.”
I guess we’re just forgetting the fact that he won British Bootcamp?
4. Eddie Edwards was on the apron, patiently waiting for a tag. Taz described this as Eddie “percolating.” Why has this man not been fired? Or at least told that he’ll be fired if he doesn’t take a few English courses at a local community college or something?
5. Matt Hardy came out to help fight off the Revolution guys interfering on the outside. Josh described this as Matt coming out to “even up the odds,” despite the fact that this only made it five-on-three. So apparently neither TNA announcer can pass a high school math class.