BRM Reviews the 2/9/2015 Raw (it stinks again)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- dull.
Roman Reigns cut a promo. The crowd seems 50/50 on him when he talked about winning the Royal Rumble and main eventing WrestleMania and winning the WWE World Heavyweight Title. It dropped to 75-20 against him when he mentioned beating Daniel Bryan at Fast Lane. His promo was actually a nice synthesis of long, scripted promos they had been having him cut before the rumble and the short badass promos he really should be cutting.
Daniel Bryan came out to a HUGE pop (much bigger than Roman’s) and cut a good promo saying that Reigns had the size and strength advantage, but he had the “wrestling” advantage.
The Authority then came out so Hunter could give Sting an ultimatum: respond to him by the end of the night. If you’re wondering what that has to do with anything Bryan and Reigns were talking about, join the club.
Steph made a decent transition, but she immediately lost all favor with me when she criticized Bryan for stuffing Kane in a casket a few weeks ago on Smackdown because “that’s where diseased bodies go to decompose.” Let’s completely ignore, for a moment, the fact that Bryan was only fulfilling the requirements of the match that The Authority booked him in. Yes, diseased bodies are placed in caskets so that they can decompose… but that would only be a danger here if WWE DUG UP A CASKET THAT HAD PREVIOUSLY BEEN USED FOR A DISEASED CORPSE, which would bring a whole host of other kayfabe problems. This was all a set-up for the Katie Vick joke I avoided making in my review of that very episode of Smackdown.
Anyway, Steph wanted to punish Bryan and Reigns, so she… ordered these two professional wrestlers to have a professional wrestling match against two guys they both keep beating. Yeah. Some punishment.

DANIEL BRYAN & ROMAN REIGNS vs. THE BIG SHOW & KANE (w/The Authority)- 4.75/10
Stuff happened. Bryan worked the entire match for the babyfaces. He got shined up, but then the heels cut him off by working over his neck. He made his own comeback, but then Big Show threw him into the timekeeper’s area, which was, for some reason, a DQ. Roman tried to save Bryan from Big Show but Kane attacked him. Roman fought Kane off, but this let Big Show grab a chair and attack Roman, but Roman made his own comeback and beat the crap out of Big Show with the chair. Then Kane attacked Roman and Bryan tried to make the save, but Kane avoided Bryan’s running dropkick, causing it to hit Reigns. Kane bailed, leaving Roman to look up angrily at Dragon. Bryan was upset and tried to apologize, but Roman shoved him. Bryan didn’t back down from Roman, though. Hunter interrupted their potential fight by booking them in a handicap match against Kane, Big Show, Mercury, Noble, and Rollins.
I get what they were going for with this, but I don’t like it. First of all, the whole thing would have been a lot better if they had just used the chair for the initial DQ. Secondly, I don’t think anyone will give a sh*t about this handicap match. I groaned when it was announced, and I’m sure I wasn’t alone. They’ve done this so many times recently that it just doesn’t register anymore.
Thirdly, I think that, for this particular case of Bryan vs. Reigns at Fast Lane, things will be much more interesting if their tension is kept present but “unspoken” (so to speak) rather than having the standard “oh no! You accidentally hit me. Now let’s both be hostile and paranoid towards each other until the PPV” type of situation.
And just to top of how tired this whole thing has become, I am almost certain that the finish to this will involve Sting creating a distraction let Bryan and Reigns win.


There is a fan in the front row with a big sign demanding “Justice for Curtis Axle.” Nothing says that you support a wrestler quite like spelling his name wrong on your sign.
Oh. And while we’re on the subject of fan signs, I have a message for the person who had that “Austin 3:16” sign. You do know that it’s 2015, right?

RYBACK vs. SETH ROLLINS (w/Joey Mercury & Jamie Noble)- 3.5/10
For some reason, the dastardly heel owners are making their own handpicked guy wrestle twice tonight. That’s weird.
Lots of heel shenanigans, and then another f*cking DQ. 2 for 2 so far tonight. Rollins then lays Ryback out with a curb stomp. This match should not have been booked.

WWE/FLINSTONES COMMERCIAL- do I want to see this as a fan, like I did with Scooby Doo: WrestleMania Mystery? Of course not. Scooby Doo>Flinstones. But I cannot wait to see how many corny rock jokes they make out of the wresters’ names.

SHEAMUS RETURN VIDEO PACKAGE- cool!

PAIGE vs. BRIE BELLA (w/Nikki Bella)- 3.75/10
The crappy “Brie Mode” song is back. Paige had “RIP Drew McDonald” written on her arms, which JBL acknowledged. I can’t remember anyone ever doing anything like that in the WWE since Punk wrote “Misawa” on his wrist tape after Misawa died.
The match was good, but the fans were strangely popping for Brie like she was a babyface.

RUSEV & LANA “PAY TRIBUTE” TO JOHN CENA- bad, until the GREAT brawl
Exactly what you’d expect. The video starts off nice, but then they show clips of him getting his ass kicked. They then cut an eh promo. Then Cena came out and cut a decent promo which would have been better if he had never said the words “booboo spot.” Rusev cut a good promo on Cena so Cena challenged him to a fight… and they brawled… and RUSEV WON (after poking Cena in the eye, but still)!

DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. BRAY WYATT- 6.75/10
Didn’t we just see this match with a clean finish last week? Like last week, but not as good. After the match, Bray dragged Dolph out of the ring and pulled up the padding outside the ring to do something to Dolph but stopped when referees ordered him to.

BLACK HISTORY MONTH PROFILE OF JYD- good, but me being me, I didn’t like them often referring to him by his shoot name. Also… ULTIMO DRAGON SIGHTING!

PAUL HEYMAN PROMO- AWESOME!
Interestingly, when Heyman asked the people if Bryan had a chance of winning a match against Brock Lesnar, and they were split about 50/50. Also interestingly, Paul spent a lot more time talking about Bryan than he did about Roman.

GOLDUST & STARDUST vs. THE NEW DAY (w/Xavier Woods)- no rating. Dull segment.
Stardust walked off again. Goldust yelled at him, resulting in Kofi taking advantage of the distraction to roll Goldust up or the win.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS DANIEL BRYAN- Roman Reigns shows up. Both are confident that they are working together.

TOTAL DIVAS COMMERCIAL- the hook for this week’s episode is that WWE is going to Europe, so Brie plans on getting completely and totally hammered (by alcohol, not by Bryan). What a responsible role model she is.

GOLDUST & STARDUST BACKSTAGE- Goldust called him Cody again, so Stardust shoved him into some equipment and said “I told you never call me that name again.” That was good. Then the whole thing was killed when Stardust bent down in Goldust’s face and said “Cody is dead! Stardust lives,” and then hissed and wisped away like a Batman villain. That was bad.

TRIPLE H PROMO- he wants answer from Sting right now. Sting took over the TitanTron to play some clips of Triple H with Sting facepaint added on and did magic with the lights and appearing and disappearing and if I gave a sh*t I would have commended Hunter for the way he sold his fear, but I really don’t give a sh*t. This was just so hokey and stupid. If Sting isn’t facing Undertaker, there is no reason for him to be doing all of this match. Just let him be a silent specter, watching from afar.

JOHN CENA INJURY REPORT- he has a scratched cornea, but will still compete at Fast Line. I assume their way out of a finish at Fast Lane will be Rusev getting DQed for going after the guy, but Cena being laid out and unable to continue. The only real question now is will we get Pirate Cena? I hope so.

THE USOS (w/Naomi) vs. TYSON KIDD & CESARO (w/Natalya)- 6.5/10
GREAT finish. So simple and yet so creative.

RIKISHI WILL GO INTO THE WWE HALL OF FAME- Kind of like Koko B. Ware for a new generation.

SIN CARA vs. DAMIEN MIZ-DOW (w/The Miz)- 2.25/10
The fans chanted “YOU’RE FROM CLEVELAND!” at The Miz, and my first thought upon hear that was “wow. These dumbf*cks are asking for it.” Miz responded by acknowledging this fact and noting that being from Cleveland was better than being from Columbus, where this show was.
Miz-Dow lost because Miz distracted him, but they managed to make it entertaining.

BRAY WYATT PROMO- okay.

DEAN AMBROSE vs. CURTIS AXEL- 1/10
Axel cut a pre-match promo claiming to have never lost the Royal Rumble. Then Ambrose beat im cleanly and quickly with Dirty Deeds. Didn’t we see this already recently, too?

DEAN AMBROSE PROMO- good.

BAD NEWS BARRETT PROMO- the news ticker on the bottom was much less funny this time around. Why? Because they tried to use it to tell actual jokes like “Monkey escapes from zoo, runs for mayor.” That’s not bad news. That’s just a dumb joke.

Wow… that is a REALLY short dress there, Lilian.
I have no idea who or what “Zdroik” is, but someone in the crowd wants him/her/it to suck it. And to the person with the Fandango sign: F*ck you. Sh*t like that only encourages to waste TV time on Fandango matches

HANDICAP MATCH: Daniel Bryan & Roman Reigns vs. The Authority- DUD!
Bryan wrestles the entire match again. It’s not like Reigns didn’t get physically involved. He did. He was jut never the legal man. Twice in one night. He has wrestled two matches tonight and logged a grand total of about five seconds as a legal competitor (when he stole Bryan’s chance to hit a finisher and then got the pin). That’s got to be some kind of record.
Oh. Also, DURING THE MATCH, Ryback, Rowan, & Ziggler came out to brawl with Kane, Rollins, and Big Show… and there was no DQ. Because G-d knows we NEEDED to have this stupid stereotypical finish which only serves to make Roman Reigns look like a jerk.
The angry Bryan shoved Roman after the match, so Roman hit him with a spear. Hunter and Steph liked this very much.

A bad episode of Raw. Last week’s great show seems to have just been an anomaly, and they are now back to randomly repeating matches and feeling like they are going absolutely nowhere.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Booker T tried to put Miz-Dow over by reminding us that he is the only person to cash in MITB and lose.

[cero2k]

WWE/FLINSTONES COMMERCIAL- do I want to see this as a fan, like I did with Scooby Doo: WrestleMania Mystery? Of course not. Scooby Doo>Flinstones. But I cannot wait to see how many corny rock jokes they make out of the wresters’ names.
I think i'll like this one more, I think it's a better story than 'everyone in WWE is good'

PAIGE vs. BRIE BELLA (w/Nikki Bella)- 3.75/10
The crappy “Brie Mode” song is back. Paige had “RIP Drew McDonald” written on her arms, which JBL acknowledged. I can’t remember anyone ever doing anything like that in the WWE since Punk wrote “Misawa” on his wrist tape after Misawa died.
The match was good, but the fans were strangely popping for Brie like she was a babyface.
Punk with Macho Man too.

[Big Red Machine]

WWE/FLINSTONES COMMERCIAL- do I want to see this as a fan, like I did with Scooby Doo: WrestleMania Mystery? Of course not. Scooby Doo>Flinstones. But I cannot wait to see how many corny rock jokes they make out of the wresters’ names.
I think i'll like this one more, I think it's a better story than 'everyone in WWE is good'

You clearly didn't watch the Scooby Doo one close enough. Not everyone in WWE was good. Also, how do you know that this won't be the case in this one as well?

[cero2k]

WWE/FLINSTONES COMMERCIAL- do I want to see this as a fan, like I did with Scooby Doo: WrestleMania Mystery? Of course not. Scooby Doo>Flinstones. But I cannot wait to see how many corny rock jokes they make out of the wresters’ names.
I think i'll like this one more, I think it's a better story than 'everyone in WWE is good'

You clearly didn't watch the Scooby Doo one close enough. Not everyone in WWE was good. Also, how do you know that this won't be the case in this one as well?

ok, Kane was bad, and the bear.

The trailer for this one suggest that at least Punk and McMahon are somewhat bad

[Big Red Machine]

I think i'll like this one more, I think it's a better story than 'everyone in WWE is good'

You clearly didn't watch the Scooby Doo one close enough. Not everyone in WWE was good. Also, how do you know that this won't be the case in this one as well?

ok, Kane was bad, and the bear.

[/quote]Kane wasn't bad. Just self-interested. He helped them at the end, when it counted.

[cero2k]

Kane wasn't bad. Just self-interested. He helped them at the end, when it counted.

then no one was bad from the roster then, just the bear

[Big Red Machine]

Kane wasn't bad. Just self-interested. He helped them at the end, when it counted.

then no one was bad from the roster then, just the bear

Not from the roster (other than general heelishness), but there were other within the company who were not certainly not "good"

Hidden text.

The security chief, for example