OPENING SEGMENT- Cena seems way too jolly for someone who just inadvertently got three of his pals fired. He really shouldn’t have opened this promo up talking about partying on Bourbon Street. Cena wants us to Tweet “#AuthoritySucks.” Because that’s not something that could possibly be misconstrued.
Anyway, to get these guys their jobs back, Cena has come up with a plan: First he will win the WWE World Heavyweight Title at the Royal Rumble, and then he won’t bring the title to work with him unless the Authority give his pals their jobs back, which doesn’t sound like a terrible plan until you realize that the current WWE World Heavyweight Champion HAS been sitting at home for most of the past three months! This huge, glaring plot-hole was not mentioned once.
Steph and Hunter came out were good heels until they randomly decided to book the following match: Cena vs. Seth Rollins in a Lumberjack match, and if Cena wins, his pals all get their jobs back. The Lumberjacks are all heels, but still… what do The Authority have to gain by doing this? What if Cena wins?

LUMBERJACK MATCH FOR CENA’S FRIENDS’ JOBS: John Cena vs. Seth Rollins (w/Joey Mercury & Jamie Noble)- 6.75/10
Cena stole Jericho’s bulldog spot. He also stole the “dive onto all of the lumberjacks” spot that Ambrose did in his Lumberjack match with Seth Rollins at Summer Slam.
Rollins won the match after Big Show knocked Cena out with the WMD in order to ensure that Rollins doesn’t get over. Watching this with my booker’s mind I couldn’t help but thinking that Cena and Rollins were wasting all of these cool spots that they could have saved for a big PPV singles match.

On commentary, Cole is talking about how superstars who are afraid to be named because they don’t want The Authority to punish them are saying that The Authority is mean and overbearing. Wasn’t this the angle they did right after The Authority formed when they kept screwing Dragon over?

They also announce that tonight will have a contract signing between Cena and Rollins and Lesnar… so again: did we really need to see Cena and Rollins wrestle each other tonight, too?

STEPH TALKS TO AMBROSE & THE USOS- apparently the Usos said some bad stuff about The Authority on Smackdown, so Steph is making Naomi wrestle a match tonight with one arm tied behind her back.
Something happened with Ambrose at a hospital or whatever, so Steph has brought in a specialist in an abnormal psychologist (by which I mean someone who is an expert in abnormal psychology, not a psychologist who also happens to be a weirdo) to evaluate him tonight, and if he doesn’t pass, he won’t get to compete in the Royal Rumble. Why just the Royal Rumble? Steph herself said that h was a danger to himself and others, so shouldn’t she use this as an excuse to try to get rid of him until he is “cured” (i.e. as long as The Authority wants him out)?

MIZ PROMO- dumb. He talked about the Golden Globes.

AMBROSE IN THE PSYCHOLOGIST’S OFFICE- if this includes Ambrose being given a Rorschach Test and answering “Thursday” for all of the ink blots, I will almost be willing to give them a pass on this whole thing, which is bound to be an evening of multi-segment-wasting stupidity.

THE NEW DAY (w/Big E. Langston) vs. TYSON KIDD & CESARO (w/Natalya, Adam Rose, & the Rosebuds)- 4/10
Hmmm… should we put over the vanilla babyfaces who no one has cared about in forever, or the team made up of talented workers who the fans all love? Guess which choice WWE made.

They are hyping up that “Randy Savage is expected to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.” Expected? JUST F*CKING ANNOUNCE IT ALREADY!
Then we got to see a bunch of wrestlers doing terrible Randy Savage impressions. It made me want to slam my head against the wall.

FOOTAGE OF THE COLTS IMITATING RIC FLAIR- so they’ll show this, but won’t show Daniel Bryan ON THE TICKER TAPE PARADE FLOAT WITH THE WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS?!

BIG SHOW PROMO- he tried to get heat by burying the New York Knicks. This show is in New Orleans. Other than that, this was a pretty decent promo.
Roman Reigns then came out. Booker T purposely mispronounced “Samoan” as “Samolian,” then laughed at his own off-brand wit substitute.
Reigns started his promo out by saying that he did indeed remember Big Show beating Hogan to win the WCW World Heavyweight Title (which Big Show had previously mentioned), then asked if he could tell Big Show a different story about a giant… and part of me was certain he was going to remind Big Show of Hulk Hogan bodyslamming his “father” at WrestleMania III. Thankfully he didn’t.
Instead, he cut a promo that would have worked for John Cena or Dolph Ziggler, but didn’t really work for Reigns. It was better than a lot of his recent stuff, though.

ROMAN REIGNS vs. LUKE HARPER- 5.75/10
Big Show attacked Reigns after the match and knocked him out. For the record: in just the first half of tonight’s program, Big Show has knocked out the top two babyfaces.

COMMERCIAL FOR NEW RANDY SAVAGE DOCUMENTARY ON THE WWE NETWORK- but they still can’t confirm that he will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year.

MIZ & MIZ-DOW-more dumb sh*t.

NAOMI MUST WRESTLE WITH ONE ARM TIED BEHIND HER BACK: Alicia Fox vs. Naomi- no rating. Awesome segment (aside from the botched scissors kick at the finish)
The Usos are also barred from ringside. Alicia Fox was a totally awesome heel here (as she always is), and Naomi looked like a badass making her comeback.

AMBROSE & THE PSYCHOLOGIST- THURSDAY!
Well… I got my wish… which means that now there is nothing to look forward to in these segments for the rest of the night.
Okay… I will admit that I laughed at all of these.

MORE MACHO MAN IMPERSONATIONS- and yet they can still only tell us that he is “expected to be inducted.” Is there going to be some sort of swerve and Ben Savage is going to be inducted instead?

JEY USO (w/Jimmy Uso) vs. THE MIZ (w/Damien Sandow)- DUD!
Short, dumb, and pointless.

DANIEL BRYAN PROMO & SEGMENT WITH STEPH- mostly great.
I HATE it when babyfaces play dumb for comedic effect in their own promos. The other thing I didn’t like here was Steph acting like her announcing that Bryan wrestling on Smackdown was something she had just booked right now when they have been advertising it for a while already.
Anyway, the match will be Dragon vs. Kane. Kane came out, they brawled, Kane tried to Tombstone Dragon on the steps, but Dragon fought it off and got the better of Kane. A good segment.

LESNAR & ROLLINS BACKSTAGE- great.
Heyman showed up to try to make peace.

BRIE BELLA (w/Nikki Bella) vs. PAIGE (w/Tyson Kidd & Natalya)- DUD!
Does anyone think that they actually have a direction in mind for this Tyson-Nattie marital problems angle?

BRAY WYATT PROMO- okay.

RANDY SAVAGE IS GOING INTO THE HALL OF FAME- a great video package, but I’m almost not excited by it because they gave it away before.

Occasionally you will see a dude or two in the crowd dressed in full Hulk Hogan garb, but tonight marks (see what I did there?) the first time that I have ever seen a woman in full Hulk Hogan costume.

ASCENSION PROMO- dud on principle.

AMBROSE & THE PSYCHOLOGIST- so basically the same joke they did on the Thursday commercial.

LANA & RUSEV PROMO- good.
Dean Ambrose came out to brawl with him, and when we returned from the commercial, we were in the middle of…
DEAN AMBROSE vs. RUSEV (w/Lana)- 4/10
Rusev works over Ambrose’s knee, and Rusev is given the win by referee stoppage. Rusev superkicks Ambrose afterwards just to be a dick.

CONTRACT SIGNING SEGMENT- awesome.


A pretty dull show, aside from the build for the WWE World Heavyweight Title match, which was awesome.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Booker T compares Cena’s situation in the Lumberjack match to that of the castaways on Gilligan’s Island. I have no idea how he made this connection, but I am now almost certain that he has never once seen the show.
2. Michael Cole claims that WWE has always been about Freedom of Speech and Freedom of Expression.
And here I was thinking it was about wrestling matches and championships and settling grudges. Silly me.

AMBROSE & THE PSYCHOLOGIST- THURSDAY!
Well… I got my wish… which means that now there is nothing to look forward to in these segments for the rest of the night.
Okay… I will admit that I laughed at all of these.

And here I was thinking you'd hate these. Really only Dean could've made these work.

THE NEW DAY (w/Big E. Langston) vs. TYSON KIDD & CESARO (w/Natalya, Adam Rose, & the Rosebuds)- 4/10
Hmmm… should we put over the vanilla babyfaces who no one has cared about in forever, or the team made up of talented workers who the fans all love? Guess which choice WWE made.

A couple of things I disagree with on this point.
1. I don't really see the New Day as vanilla, albeit the whole "preaching positivity" gimmick is a little weak, I've seen much more bland tag teams than them.
2. I don't think Tyson Kidd and Cesaro are being de-pushed, I honestly think it's just a slow build. If WWE didn't want to push them, Cesaro wouldn't have gotten two Big Swing spots tonight, one of which was a super cool manuever with Tyson ripped right from the Motor City Machine Guns playbook.

BRIE BELLA (w/Nikki Bella) vs. PAIGE (w/Tyson Kidd & Natalya)- DUD!
Does anyone think that they actually have a direction in mind for this Tyson-Nattie marital problems angle?

Based off this segment I do. Based on the way Natalya walked off without Tyson, all the while flipping her hair like a badass, we may very well see a transformation for Nattie, from walking doormat to strong independent woman who doesn't put up with her husband's bull. Even better is if Paige is the one who's the inspiration for her to be a strong and independent woman, it would fit Paige's anti-diva persona.

Michael Cole claims that WWE has always been about Freedom of Speech and Freedom of Expression.
And here I was thinking it was about wrestling matches and championships and settling grudges. Silly me.

You missed the part where this was an amazing setup to JBL saying, "There's a difference between freedom of expression and freedom from consequences."

NWK2000 wrote:

AMBROSE & THE PSYCHOLOGIST- THURSDAY!
Well… I got my wish… which means that now there is nothing to look forward to in these segments for the rest of the night.
Okay… I will admit that I laughed at all of these.

And here I was thinking you'd hate these. Really only Dean could've made these work.

THE NEW DAY (w/Big E. Langston) vs. TYSON KIDD & CESARO (w/Natalya, Adam Rose, & the Rosebuds)- 4/10
Hmmm… should we put over the vanilla babyfaces who no one has cared about in forever, or the team made up of talented workers who the fans all love? Guess which choice WWE made.

A couple of things I disagree with on this point.
1. I don't really see the New Day as vanilla, albeit the whole "preaching positivity" gimmick is a little weak, I've seen much more bland tag teams than them.
2. I don't think Tyson Kidd and Cesaro are being de-pushed, I honestly think it's just a slow build. If WWE didn't want to push them, Cesaro wouldn't have gotten two Big Swing spots tonight, one of which was a super cool manuever with Tyson ripped right from the Motor City Machine Guns playbook.

1. I will admit that my use of the term "vanilla" was a bit unfair, but I think it speaks to the way that WWE has portrayed their characters (or rather, the way that they haven't). It's not enough to give them a catchphrase and then have the announcers ay "these guys' gimmick is that they think positively." They need to have them lose a match, then do a backstage promo where they say they are keeping it positive, learning form their mistakes and will definitely win their next match. They need to show, not just tell.
2. I never said I thought they were getting de-pushed. I think they that they have a lot more upside than The New Day, and they should have won this match.
And the move they stole was from the Kings of Wrestling's playbook, not MCMG's, and Cesaro was a part of KoW, so that makes it fair game in my book.

NWK2000 wrote:

BRIE BELLA (w/Nikki Bella) vs. PAIGE (w/Tyson Kidd & Natalya)- DUD!
Does anyone think that they actually have a direction in mind for this Tyson-Nattie marital problems angle?

Based off this segment I do. Based on the way Natalya walked off without Tyson, all the while flipping her hair like a badass, we may very well see a transformation for Nattie, from walking doormat to strong independent woman who doesn't put up with her husband's bull. Even better is if Paige is the one who's the inspiration for her to be a strong and independent woman, it would fit Paige's anti-diva persona.

But this isn't Anti-Diva Paige anymore. This is awkward practical jokester Paige from Total Divas because that's her character now because they haven't figured out that pushing Total Divas angles and characters on Raw out of the blue won't get the Raw audience to tune in to Total Divas. The Anti-Diva went out the window the moment she stepped onto Total Divas and ribbed Nattie by claiming she gave her pot brownies when really they weren't (well... actually it really died when she did that NXT summer fun photoshoot and was just lounging around the pool in her bikini like all of the other girls, but I highly doubt anyone actually saw that. I only saw it because... um... uh... a friend of mine saw it when he was looking for picture of Alexa Bliss on the internet and told me about it. Yeah. That's what happened).

I also haven't seen Nattie as a doormat at all. She comes across to me like someone who realizes that her spouse is having confidence issues, and putting up with some minor bullsh*t is her way of being supportive because she feels a bit guilty that her success is the thing that Adrian Neville and the NXT fans used to poke fun at TJ that seems to have started this minor confidence crisis with him. If Tyson were to start demeaning her or something, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she would immediately let him know that he had better knock that sh*t off right away.

AMBROSE IN THE PSYCHOLOGIST’S OFFICE- if this includes Ambrose being given a Rorschach Test and answering “Thursday” for all of the ink blots, I will almost be willing to give them a pass on this whole thing, which is bound to be an evening of multi-segment-wasting stupidity.
kinda sad that Ambrose has become more of a joke character after he started as a bad ass

THE NEW DAY (w/Big E. Langston) vs. TYSON KIDD & CESARO (w/Natalya, Adam Rose, & the Rosebuds)- 4/10
Hmmm… should we put over the vanilla babyfaces who no one has cared about in forever, or the team made up of talented workers who the fans all love? Guess which choice WWE made.
considering WWE, you should have expected Kane to interfere and neither young team get over

DANIEL BRYAN PROMO & SEGMENT WITH STEPH- mostly great.
I HATE it when babyfaces play dumb for comedic effect in their own promos. The other thing I didn’t like here was Steph acting like her announcing that Bryan wrestling on Smackdown was something she had just booked right now when they have been advertising it for a while already.
Anyway, the match will be Dragon vs. Kane. Kane came out, they brawled, Kane tried to Tombstone Dragon on the steps, but Dragon fought it off and got the better of Kane. A good segment.
watching this, i suddenly got the scary image that kane will reinjure dragon on smackdown and this was all just publicity for the smackdown move. same as The New Day was just marketing stunt for the smackdown move

CONTRACT SIGNING SEGMENT- awesome.
everyone was awesome, was digging rollin, heyman, and lesnar's interaction, and then Cena had to fuck everything up with his crappy obvious typical promo