BRM Reviews the 11/17/2014 Raw (snore)

[Big Red Machine]

AUTHORITY PROMO- they claim that if they lose, “the inmates will be running the asylum” and that’s what killed WCW, so if Team Cena win, the WWE will go out of business. Oh. And they’re advertising a contract signing for tonight.
Then they call out Ryback and Steph, the consummate heel, tries to convince Ryback that Cena doesn’t respect him by taking out-of-context clips from their feud last spring, and is sure to point out to us that “the footage doesn’t lie.”
Ryback said he was only looking out for Ryback. Hunter called this “a wise decision.” Then he booked…

WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: Dolph Ziggler(c) vs. Luke Harper (w/the Authority)- 5.5/10
The Cruiserweight Stooges jump Ziggler from behind, then Rollins conks him with the MITB briefcase, all before the match. Harper eventually wins the title. If you were going to switch the title, why not put it on someone who isn’t in the Survivor Series match so that he can defend the belt on PPV? Switching the title in the match on Smackdown would have given the UK fans something special, and also would have emphasized the idea that they have been trying to push that the Authority’s booking has been wearing Dolph down. The way they did it tonight made it seem like the pre-match attack is what really cost Dolph the title.

A NEW DAY PROMO- is the entire chorus female?

MIZ (& MIZ-DOW) & GRUMPY CAT- terrible.
As soon as the camera widens to include this cat the people start to boo. Why does Miz give a sh*t what a CAT thinks about his movie trailer pitch? IT’S A F*CKING CAT! And while we’re on that subject, let’s apply it out of kayfabe here:
IN WHAT POSSIBLE WAY COULD HAVING A F*CKING CAT ON THE SHOW BE OF ANY BENEFIT TO WWE?! It’s a F*CKING INTERNET CELEBRITY! Would you ask Star Wars Kid to guest host Raw? Or Obama Girl? And those would actually be better choices than Grumpy Cat because- and I can’t stress this part enough- IT’S A F*CKING CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And not like Garfield or something like that who is a cartoon character that is played by an actor. A real-life, honest to G-d cat. Not capable of human speech. Felis f*cking Domesticus. What POSSIBLE VALUE did they think this creature would add to their television program?


TYSON KIDD (w/Natalya) vs ADAM ROSE (w/the Rosebuds)- 0.5/10
Whoever the Rosebud was in the elf costume, she was the best ever. You have never seen someone SOOOO EXCITED to see an undercard geek. The Bunny stole Rose’s spotlight, doing his trust-fall thing before Rose could. Am I the only one who agrees with Rose that this Bunny is a huge attention whore?
Anyway, Rose distracts himself by yelling at the Bunny when the Bunny tries to get Nattie’s attention, so Tyson makes him tap. After the match, Rose tries to attack the Bunny, but the Bunny catches him a waistlock.

AMBROSE & WYATT SEGMENT- great.

LARRY THE CABLE GUY WILL HOST RAW NEXT WEEK- see. THIS is how you hype a guest host. You say that it is the best thing he has ever done. What you don’t do is talk about how grumpy he/she/it is the whole time.

RYBACK vs. CESARO- 7.25/10
Great match. The problem is that Cesaro was the guy who looked awesome, doing all of these great feats of strength. This made me want to see him at Survivor Series a lot more than I want to see Ryback.
On commentary, JBL completely buried Teddy Long’s job as a GM. That made me happy.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS JOHN CENA- okay

HEATH SLATER vs. RUSEV (w/Lana)- squash
Slater was dressed like Uncle Sam. What is the point of Rusev being in this Authority angle if he and Lana are just going to do their standard thing the whole time?

MORE MIZ, SANDOW & GRUMPY CAT- okay. Now Miz is trying to recruit this cat to be his co-star. Why? Is he clinically retarded all of a sudden?

Then Erick Rowan randomly walked in and said he wanted the cat.

STEPH, BIG SHOW, & SHEAMUS SEGMENT- Steph came out and offered Big Show a guaranteed 2015 HOF induction if he quit Team Cena. Sheamus came out and Steph implied that if he didn’t quit Team Cena, there might be some sort of problem with his visa and he would be deported. Steph then booked them against each other in a match with a WWE World Heavyweight Title shot on the line!

WINNER GETS A WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE SHOT: Sheamus vs. Big Show- 6/10
For some reason, they wouldn’t refer to Brock Lesnar by name. Lawler was completely indignant that Steph had booked two teammates against each other. This annoyed the hell out of me. What ever happened to the idea that wrestling is a prize-fighting competition? You fight because it’s your job. You don’t have to hate the other guy.
The match was going fine until some heels showed up for a double DQ, with Henry giving Sheamus the World’s Strongest Slam through an announce table and Rusev making Big Show pass out in the Accolade.

Fandango and Rosa are apparently now together. When the f*ck did this happen? Also, he is “the new and improved Fandango.” He’ got the exact same music though, and apparently the same gimmick, so I doubt anything else will be new.


NIKKI BELLA vs. BRIE BELLA DRESSED AS AJ- no rating, great segment.
Brie’s impression of AJ’s mannerisms was fantastic. In fact, I thought this whole idea was fantastic, as it made Nikki out to be such a HUGE b*tch. Not only was she trying to humiliate AJ, but she was forcing Brie into a fight where Brie wasn’t allowed to fight back. The only thing I would have done differently is instead of having AJ on commentary and doing a distraction finish, I would have had AJ run out with a chair to break it up, causing Nikki to run away and lose by count-out, so that she doesn’t actually get pinned or laid out going into the PPV, and so Brie, being a babyface, is still technically living up to the stip by obeying Nikki, and her “crime” becomes one of inaction rather than one that actually transgresses Nikki’s orders.
Wait. Never mind. They ruined this whole thing by having AJ attack Brie for no reason, thus making me not care about the match because the babyface is entirely unlikeable.

BIG E. NEW DAY PROMO- wow. He seems so out of place here.

CENA & RYBACK BACKSTAGE- good stuff.

THE MIZ, DAMIEN MIZ-DOW, GOLDUST & STARDUST vs. THE USOS & LOS MATADORES (w/El Torito)- 5.75/10

JBL said the following: “You don’t know anything about the occult. That made me laugh.

So Sheamus is apparently in the hospital and won’t be at Survivor Series


PROMO FOR “MACHO MAN: THE RANDY SAVAGE STORY”- huh. I see WWE has taken to using Smart Mark’s lazy naming conventions.

SURVIVOR SERIES MAIN EVENT CONTRACT SIGNING-
It started with Hunter giving his team a pep talk. I was bored to tears. Then Steph and Hunter offered anyone who might have joined Cena a chance to back down. Cena came out and cut a promo, and my reaction to his jokes were exactly the same as Hunter’s reaction to Cena’s jokes. I did pop for the brief Tommy Boy reference. I believe he also threatened to shove Mark Henry’s penis in Stephanie McMahon’s mouth against both of their wills.
Then, at the end of things, Big Show and Ziggler came out to stand by Cena, making the announcers look like absolute morons for claiming they were off the team all night. Also, Lawler sucks at math.
Then the fourth member of Team Cena came out: Erick Rowan. A man who just an hour ago walked into a segment, said he wanted a cat, and then left. They have spent the past three weeks taking this guy from a big scary monster and turning him into Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Oh boy. I’m so excited I could go make myself some English muffins.
Why is Erick Rowan on this team? What beef does he have with either Luke Harper or the Authority?

CESARO! Wait. No. He just came out to f*ck with Cena. Not going to lie. I laughed with the heels here. Then Ryback came out and Steph had an awesome reaction. They schmozed, and Cena put Hunter through a table with some help from Ryback.

Anyway, a bad, boring show from WWE.

[cero2k]

CESARO! Wait. No. He just came out to f*ck with Cenathe fans. Not going to lie. I laughed with the heels here. Then Ryback came out and Steph had an awesome reaction. They schmozed, and Cena put Hunter through a table with some help from Ryback.

let me fix that for you

[Big Red Machine]

CESARO! Wait. No. He just came out to f*ck with Cenathe fans. Not going to lie. I laughed with the heels here. Then Ryback came out and Steph had an awesome reaction. They schmozed, and Cena put Hunter through a table with some help from Ryback.

let me fix that for you

Yeah. That too.

[cero2k]

YSON KIDD (w/Natalya) vs ADAM ROSE (w/the Rosebuds)- 0.5/10
Whoever the Rosebud was in the elf costume, she was the best ever. You have never seen someone SOOOO EXCITED to see an undercard geek. The Bunny stole Rose’s spotlight, doing his trust-fall thing before Rose could. Am I the only one who agrees with Rose that this Bunny is a huge attention whore?
Anyway, Rose distracts himself by yelling at the Bunny when the Bunny tries to get Nattie’s attention, so Tyson makes him tap. After the match, Rose tries to attack the Bunny, but the Bunny catches him a waistlock.

call it what you want, that bunny was dry-hump-raping adam rose in the middle of a pg show.

[KILLdozer]

YSON KIDD (w/Natalya) vs ADAM ROSE (w/the Rosebuds)- 0.5/10
Whoever the Rosebud was in the elf costume, she was the best ever. You have never seen someone SOOOO EXCITED to see an undercard geek. The Bunny stole Rose’s spotlight, doing his trust-fall thing before Rose could. Am I the only one who agrees with Rose that this Bunny is a huge attention whore?
Anyway, Rose distracts himself by yelling at the Bunny when the Bunny tries to get Nattie’s attention, so Tyson makes him tap. After the match, Rose tries to attack the Bunny, but the Bunny catches him a waistlock.

call it what you want, that bunny was dry-hump-raping adam rose in the middle of a pg show.

Yep! And then he wouldn't STOP DOING IT.

I imitated Cleveland Brown with the "Oh that's nasty. "

Also, I too, had the exact same literal reaction as HHH about his jokes. The "Oh ho ho ha ha ha!", then I said: "He's right too. That is the exactly correct and appropriate response.