OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE- a good recap of the important stuff you ned to know for this show, but WHY OH WHY OH WHY did they keep those seizure-inducing visual effects in the Wolves promo announcing the tag team tournament?
The good news is that Tenay opened his part of the show by mentioning it, so anyone ran out of the room during this promo for personal safety was quickly caught up.

MATT HARDY ANNOUNCES HIS PARTNER- It’s his brother Jeff. I get that the gimmick is that everyone is getting to choose their partners, but why even have this? The fact that the Hardys are teaming together is so obvious that it should have been made official BEFORE the show. I think that doing this would really set the Hardys apart from the other teams, who mostly don’t team together as well, and would be an interesting story to tell throughout the tournament.

DJ ZEMA ANNOUCES HIS PARTNER- it’s Jesse Godderz. For no explained reason, TBP are not at ringside with them tonight.

TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND MATCH: DJ Zema Ion & Jesse Godderz vs. The Hardys- 5.5/10
Good action. Taz and Tenay’s bickering made it harder to enjoy, though.

BRAM PROMO- He likes hurting people. He says he’s the “king of hardcore.” He says he’ll beat Devon up again. It was boring.

BRAM AND DEVON BRAWL- Tenay made sure to tell us that this was not scheduled, and Taz made sure to tell us that this was not a match (as if the lack of bell ringing and referee didn’t already do that. It took security forever to show up. When they did, Kurt Angle came out and said he was booking Bram vs. Devon in a Hardcore Match for later tonight. So he had security break these guys up just to announce that he was going to let them fight again later?

SAMUEL SHAW & BRITTANY BACKSTAGE- Brittany is trying to seduce him into doing something. Shaw is unsure about whether or not he will give in to her temptations.

LOW KI ANNOUNCES HIS PARTNER- He wants to team with Joe and be tag team champions with Joe, but he also wants to win Joe’s X-Division Title.

SAMUEL SHAW ANNOUNCES HIS PARTNER- he wants to team with Gunner because they are such good pals and he respects him so much and Gunner helped him out so much. Gunner then came out and talked about how you should “never leave a man behind” and about proving that he and Shaw are both good friends and a good team. Tenay then mentioned that he loved the “unpredictability” of this tournament.
So yeah. Shaw’s turning on Gunner.

TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND MATCH: Samuel Shaw & Gunner vs. Samoa Joe & Low Ki- 4/10
During the match, Brittany came out and tried to talk to Shaw about doing whatever she wanted him to do. Gunner yelled at her to go away and stop distracting Shaw during this very important match. Brittany eventually tripped Gunner up, which allowed Joe and Low Ki to win. Gunner yelled at her about this. Shaw turned on Gunner and hit him with a chair a bunch of times. This made Brittany happy. She and Shaw started to make out, rolling around the ring and rolling over Gunner’s corpse as they did so. The execution of this whole thing was great, from the way that Brittany’s presence was built into the match to the turn to their evil heel celebration. I just wish they hadn’t telegraphed it so much.

EC III PROMO- good. He and Tyrus are entering the tournament. Spud could have entered the tournament, too, but EC III knows he won’t because he is too scared.

ONE NIGHT ONLY: KNOCKOUTS KNOCKDOWN COMMERCIAL- bad.
They need to plug the PPV. Fine. I get that. But they need to find a better way to do it.
You know how every single time The Beautiful People do their entrance, they do that spot where they tease making out, but then don’t, and Angelina wags her finger at the camera? Well they opened the commercial talking about how the Knockouts will “make your dreams come true” and they used THAT… COMPLETELY WITH THE FINGER-WAGGING as the visual for this. So either they think our dreams only involved TEASES of Angelina and Velvet making out but not them actually doing so, or they are flat out telling you that you won’t get what is being advertised for this PPV.
And what is being advertised? The current Knockouts, plus some “aspiring young Knockouts” (of whom I only recognized Veda Scott and Scarlett Bordeaux [who need to start teaming somewhere as the “Redheads of Honor”]) facing off to try to win the coveted title of “Queen of the Knockouts.” As only those unfortunate enough to have seen last year’s Knockouts Knockdown show will remember, that title was a just a tiara. The reason that only those people who saw last year’s show know this is because IT WAS NEVER RELEVANT IN ANY WAY OR EVER EVEN MENTIONED ONCE IN ANY OTHER TNA PRODUCTION AT ALL! In short, they want us to pay to see people compete for something which even in kayfabe is COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY MEANINGLESS!

MVP & PALS PROMO- MVP said Lashley would beat Roode next week. Kenny King announced that he and MVP will team in the tournament.

REBEL vs. ANGELINA LOVE- no rating.
Rebel came out alone, with no explanation why the rest of the Menagerie weren’t out there with her. Instead of Angelina Love coming out, Havok came out and assaulted Rebel. The people cared so much that they chanted “we want tables!”
Gail Kim then came out to brawl with Havok. Her arm was still taped up, but she fought valiantly anyway. Security broke it up. We never even got any speculation as to where Angelina was.

BOBBY ROODE VIDEO PACKAGE- it opened with the words “For Bobby Roode, time is running out.” I immediately asked “why?” It then went on to talk about how he will have “one final chance” to win the title and how this will be his “last stand” against Lashley. Why is this his final chance? Did I miss something?

INTERVIEW WITH KURT- he says that his big announcement for the contract signing tonight is something that will “raise the stakes for both wrestlers in the world title hunt.” I have no idea what Kurt is talking about, but I am going to predict now that he is going to add a “no more rematches, no matter who wins” stip, which would mean that the video package we just saw aired out of order, and also create a kayfabe logic problem which I am prepared to rant on should this be the case.

HARDCORE MATCH: Bram vs. Devon- 5.75/10
They hit each other with stuff. Bram won with help from Magnus, which was a big mistake, IMO. If you’re trying to get Bram over as the “King of Hardcore” by having him beat a “hardcore legend” like Devon, he needs to do it BY HIMSELF!

KEN ANDERSON & CHRIS MELENDEZ BACKSTAGE- Melendez wants to be Anderson’s partner so he can get some revenge on Kenny King and MVP for doing something to him, but I have absolutely no idea what they did to get this heat. A quick check of my previous reviews informs me that whatever it was happened either three weeks ago, or possibly five weeks ago at No Surrender. Either way, I have completely forgotten about it because IT HASN’T EVEN BEEN MENTIONED SINCE.

TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND MATCH: Mr. Anderson & Chris Melendez vs. Kenny King & MVP- 2/10
Tenay talked about the mysterious, often mentioned but never seen “power” that comes with having titles and said that MVP and Kenny want to win the tag team titles so that they can use the power that the titles would give them and the power the world title gives Lashley to control TNA. Why can’t they just want to win the titles so that they can be the champions and make money? Why do they always have to bring this bullsh*t “power” into it?
Anderson was the babyface in peril. Melendez got the hot tag… and then almost immediately got rolled up and pinned.

ERIC YOUNG & SPUD BACKSTAGE- EY wants Spud to be his partner in the tournament to face EC III and Tyrus. Spud says that he “doesn’t even have a job anymore.” THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?!
EY tried to encourage Spud, but Spud declined to team with him.

JAMES STORM TALKS TO DAVEY RICHARDS- Storm tries to recruit Davey to his group. He wants Manik to talk to Davey. Does anyone really think Davey will turn? Not even TNA can possibly be that dumb, can they?

EY PROMO- he came out and said that he used to just be a funny guy but he became world champion, and he can see a lot of himself in Spud. He announces Spud to be his partner. Spud doesn’t show up. EC III laughs his ass off about this, which was that best part of this.
Ethan said that he thinks the people see a lot of Spud in themselves. He then starts talking about the “I’m With Spud Movement.” What the f*ck is the “I’m With Spud Movement?” Has anyone ever even heard of this before?
Ethan then buried British Bootcamp… which is just now starting its second season.
Ethan says that the fans, like Spud, are losers. This prompts Spud to come out, and we get a…
TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND MATCH: Ethan Carter III & Tyrus vs. Eric Young & Rockstar Spud- 3/10
So Spud stands up to Ethan, and even shows no fear of Tyrus… but then gets beaten completely cleanly. FAIL!
In a very strange coincidence, Tyrus used a heart punch in this match which was taped three weeks ago. This created a perfect opportunity for them to edit in Tenay talking about Ox Baker, who died this week. Of course, rather than his wrestling career, Tenay only mentions his appearance in the movie Escape from New York (so named because CM Punk defeats Roderick Strong to leave the show as Ring of Honor World Champion). If you’re going to acknowledge that the man died recently, maybe you should send out condolences to the family or something?

WORLD TITLE MATCH CONTRACT SIGNING- This segment was SO F*CKING A BAD! A complete and total example of how NOT to go about things.
Kurt starts off by telling us that this match is “one month in the making.” Oh boy. One whole month. He then tells us that he has “added a special stipulation to this match, which neither side knows about yet.”
Yup. Just what I thought. Consider this fair warning, everyone: There will be ranting.

So Kurt calls out both competitors. Then he gets into a short, dumb, pointless argument with MVP because MVP is being a heel. After that boredom, Kurt asks “before we get this contract signed, does either side have anything to say?”
Roode speaks first, and holy sh*t this is worse than I thought. Okay. First I’m going to go into the theoretical problem here, and then I will go into the many, many, many problems with what actually happened.

Okay… anyone remember what the kayfabe reason that we have contract signings like this is? It is to ensure that we have a binding legal assent from the parties involved that they accept and will abide by the terms and stipulations of the match:
The match will take place on Day X in Venue Y. It will be contested between Wrestler A and Wrestler B, will be contested under Rules C, and will be for Championship D, with Stipulations E, F, and G, depending on the outcome of the match. Promoter P agrees to pay Wrestler A $J for the match, and agrees to pay Wrestler B $K for the match, with an additional purse of $Q going to the winner.

The wrestlers (and the promoter) read the contract, and if they are happy with the terms laid out therein, they sign it (as for why "official contract signings" aren’t necessary all the time, that is its own can of worms which I am happy to discuss if anyone wants, but not here). These things exist so that no one gets forced into a match with stipulations they do not want, whether because they make one of the competitors uncomfortable for their physical, emotional, financial, or professional well-being. There are no “Loser Gets Thrown into a Pit of Hungry Crocodiles” matches, or “Loser Must Sexually Service The Winner” matches or “Loser Must Give The Winner All of His/Her Money” matches,” or “First Competitor to be a Canadian Citizen Wins” matches. They ensure that all competitors feel that the matches will be fair, that all competitors consent to the stipulations, and that all competitors agree on the rules before going into the match.
Kurt Angle has added a “secret stipulation” that will apparently greatly affect both parties. HOW IS THE FIRST SENTENCE OUT OF BOTH COMPETITORS' MOUTHS NOT “I’M NOT SIGNING THIS CONTRACT UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHAT THE SECRET STIPULATION IS!”?
To make matters worse, what will Kurt do if one of them doesn’t like the stip? Either one of these guys would be perfectly within his rights to say “no, Kurt, I don’t want to sign this contract because I don’t believe that your stipulation is fair/I don’t feel comfortable wrestling under those terms.” Kurt will have one week to get the match signed (during which, of course, TNA will have no TV to hype up/announce if the match does get signed, so people might not know that the match is happening) and if the person refuses to sign the contract unless the stipulation is removed, Kurt will come off looking like an impotent goofball for hyping up a secret stipulation only to have that stipulation not actually happen.
What, then, is the reason for the “secret” part of this stipulation? What possible reason could Kurt have for wanting to keep it secret? What benefit does it get him? The whole concept MAKES NO SENSE!

And speaking of things that make no sense, let’s get back to what actually happened.
Bobby Roode cuts a promo. He starts off by admitting that Lashley beat him clean last time, but he wants Lashley to admit that he almost won the match. That’s right you stupid motherf*cker. YOU LOST! CLEANLY! And the way this whole thing has been booked, this just makes you look like a whiny, entitled punk.
Now MAYBE they could have done it if they had Roode cut a promo talking about how he almost won, but he just made one little mistake which cost him the match, so he has spent the entirety of the past week training for this match, and he will definitely not make the same mistake again. Something to make us believe that there is a reason that the outcome won’t be the same this time around.
But he didn’t do that. Instead, Roode cut the most generic babyface promo ever. He loves pro wrestling more than anything in the world… except his family, of course. He says that Lashley might be bigger and stronger and faster (and again, none of this is doing anything to make us think that the outcome will be different this time), but, he said, that doesn’t matter “because I’m going to fight you with heart, and I’m going to fight you with passion, and I’m gonna fight you with the determination to take the TNA World Heavyweight Championship and put it around my waist.” This is the sort of promo I’d expect out of El Generico’s English-speaking cousin, The Generic Babyface (not to be confused with his evil brother, the Generic Heel).
The reason that they really need to drive home this generic stuff is to make Roode look like a babyface who we are supposed to get behind, as opposed to what he really has been in this angle, which is a whiny punk who ALREADY LOST.
Roode also says that wrestling is his top priority (aside from his family, whom he loves oh so very much)… but Lashley’s priorities are split between pro wrestling and MMA.
To all of this I say “SO WHAT?!”
Lashley’s priorities are split between pro wrestling and MMA. Roode is totally focused on wrestling and wants to be the champion and will fight with heart and passion and determination to win the title. All of these things were true during their previous match as well… AND ROODE STILL LOST CLEAN.

Roode then says that MVP has been keeping Lashley down. Everyone keeps saying this, but no one ever explains HOW. The way I see it, MVP gave Lashley a title shot, which Lashley capitalized on and became TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION. Since then, MVP has been supporting him as a friend, as a training partner, and as a manager. How has anything MVP has done been to Lashley’s detriment in ANY way?

MVP then cut an awesome promo on behalf of Lashley, hyping Lashley up and talking about how awesome Lashley is. This was 50 million times better than Roode’s promo.

Kurt then says that “this match deserves a decisive winner.” Okay… doesn’t EVERY match?
You know which match did have a decisive winner, though? THEIR LAST MATCH. AND LASHLEY WON IT CLEANLY.
But it gets worse!
How does Kurt decide to ensure that MVP and Kenny King will not get involved? He will assign a special guest referee. Yeah. Because that plan ALWAYS works out. And, as MVP pointed out, Lashley has won ALL of his title defenses cleanly! So what is the point of all of this?
Oh boy. Kurt himself will be the special guest referee. Anyone remember the last time TNA had a special guest referee in a big match? It was at Lockdown, where the referee chose a side and helped that side win the match. So how is this supposed to assure us, the fans, that there will be a fair finish to this match?
Roode signs the contract. MVP doesn’t want Lashley to sign it, but Lashley signs it anyway. What a dumbass. All he is doing is setting himself up to be screwed. Why would he not just refuse to sign the contract until Kurt gives them a referee who doesn’t seem biased against him?

This was just an utterly wretched segment that not only exposed the flaws in this story, but then exacerbated them as well. Indeed, this whole thing has been a microcosm of TNA’s problems as a whole. The stories don’t make sense, either on a basic level of “how does this world work?,” in the internal logic of each individual story, or in the internal consistency of their continuity as a whole.

Another sh*tty end to another sh*tty Impact.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay made sure to reiterate to us that “you need to win in order to advance” in this tournament.
No sh*t, Mike.

2. Tenay, after Shaw announced that Gunner would be his tag team partner- “I like the unpredictability of this tag team title tournament.”
Unpredictability? Three of the four guys who have chosen their partners so far were extremely obvious, and the fourth was a guy with no obvious choices just choosing the one guy who made more sense than any other.
And I also hope that “tag team title tournament” was just Tenay misspeaking (rather than that being the official name) because if you call something a “tag team title tournament,” people expect it to be for the tag team titles.

3. Tenay tried to put over Gunner’s success as a tag team wrestler by reminding us that James Storm & Gunner were tag team champions last year, and held the titles for five months. This was fine. What was not fine was that he tried to make it sound more impressive by adding in the fact that this is the longest title reign since 2011. That’s not impressive on their part. That’s just a sad commentary on how little the belts mean. And to add insult to injury, as of just a few days before this episode aired, the current tag champs, the Wolves, actually just broke that record, so Tenay’s statement isn’t even accurate anymore.

4. Tenay says that Bram has had “unequaled success” in hardcore environments.
“Unequaled success?” HE HASN’T EVEN BEEN WITH THE COMPANY FOR SIX MONTHS! He hasn’t won many big weapons matches, and he certainly hasn’t won any titles in hardcore promotions like CZW or Big Japan or the various IWA promotions. He hasn’t even won the “hardcore” belt of a normal promotion.
Does “Professor” Tenay have any credibility left at all?