BRM Reviews the 10/15/2014 Impact
Posted: Oct 20th, '14, 19:14
OPENING SEGMENT- Kurt comes out and says that things weren’t fair in the Roode vs. Lashley match last week, and that must be corrected. Why does Kurt not come out and do this whenever ANYONE cheats/screws someone/etc.?
Kurt says that he gave MVP and Kenny King the night off. He reiterated for what felt like the twelfth time (though this might be Tenay’s fault) that he “can’t have” “the world heavyweight title picture” “manipulated.” Then Kurt said that Lashley is “required to defend the TNA World Heavyweight Championship at all times.”
WHOA WHO WHOA WHOA WHOA
“At all times?” Like a 24/7 rule or something? And since when has this been a rule? We’ve seen champions turn down title matches thousands of times in the past. Why is this a rule all of a sudden?
Kurt wants to know why Lashley turned down Bobby Roode’s request for a title match last week. Here’s a better question: If Kurt wanted the match to happen so damn badly, WHY DIDN’T HE JUST BOOK THE F*CKING MATCH?!
Anyway, Lashley responds by telling Kurt that he didn’t give Bobby Roode a rematch because Roode already had a title shot. That’s a good point, Bobby! Let’s see how Kurt responds…
He doesn’t. Why? Probably because THERE IS NO GOOD COUNTER-ARGUMENT.
He also asks Kurt if he wants a title shot. Kurt says that it will happen one day. TNA, of course, knows that this match will never happen, but they tease it anyway, because they hate their fans.
Kurt then books a #1 contendership match for tonight’s main event. What happened to Lashley having to defend the belt “at all times?”
The #1 contendership match will feature Eric Young, Jeff Hardy, Austin Aries, and Bobby Roode. So basically… four guys who Lashley already beat cleanly, and who have done nothing to earn a title shot since then. In fact, Kurt even BRINGS UP the fact that Lashley has beaten them all before… and doesn’t explain in any way why deserve another title shot. This promotion is booked by morons.
TNA HALL OF FAME CLIPS- way too kill kayfabe by showing the wrestlers just hanging out together. You couldn’t have played some clips instead of showing us the shots of the wrestlers seated at the tables?
MATT HARDY & MAGNUS SEGMENT- not bad. We have a match for later. But sine when have Magnus and Bram not been getting along? Taz and Tenay appear to have no idea about the angle leading into this match. Tenay kept putting words in Matt’s mouth, and Taz seemed to have no idea that Magnus and Bram were supposed to be not getting along (I guess he’s like the rest of us).
MADISON RAYNE PROMO- great stuff, but it reminded me how dumb this heel turn was.
TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Havok(c) vs. Madison Rayne- 4/10
Despite turning heel last week, Madison wrestled the entire match as a babyface. Havok used a very lewd submission. At another point during the match, she went for a different submission outside the ring. Rather than count the competitors out like he should, Earl Hebner went on the outside to tell Havok to break the hold. Astonishingly, Havok, the heel, listened to him.
The match dragged on and got boring. Havok won with her chokeslam, which Taz and Tenay made sure to inform us was called the “Harlot Slayer” because… um… I guess someone thought they needed a move with a misogynistic name.
KURT ANGLE & DEVON BACKSTAGE- um… kind of pointless.
ERIC YOUNG PROMO- okay.
MATT HARDY vs. MAGNUS- 7/10
Great match!
EC III PROMO FROM BFG- he hypes up the reveal of his new bodyguard tonight.
DJ ZEMA ION, JESSE GODDERZ, & ANGELINA LOVE (w/Velvet Sky) vs. THE MENAGERIE (Crazzy Steve, Rebel, & Knux)- 2/10
The kayfabe reason for Robbie E. not being here tonight is that he is on The Amazing Race. They do realize that The Amazing Race was pre-taped, right?
Anyway, they had a short and boring match which The Menagerie won when Crazzy Steve actually pinned someone. Taz then immediately buried this fact by saying that the only thing that matters is who is leaving with the Beautiful People.
BOBBY ROODE & AUSTIN ARIES BACKSTAGE- decent
WHO WILL BE ETHAN CARTER III’S NEW BODYGUARD- It’s Brodus Clay. Taz made a big deal about EC III’s assistant told him that EC III wanted to be the one to reveal his bodyguard’s name… which seems pretty pointless when he is just walking out here with EC III already. It would have been much better to have EC III come out alone and then introduce his new bodyguard and let The Artist Formerly Known As Brodus Clay come out like that.
Anyway, Brodus’ new name is “Tyrus.” His name is Tyrus. His name is Tyrus. His name is Tyrus. His name is Tyrus. If you’re wondering why I typed that so many times, it is because EC III said it a whole bunch of times. I have no idea why.
He also cut a promo saying that Bully should be kicked out of the TNA Hall of Fame because he put Dixie through a table. He says he has beaten a bunch of TNA Hall of Famers. He says he is undefeated (a lie that TNA continues to promote as truth for explicable reason).
Devon comes out and cuts a great promo, but randomly got attacked by Bram. Bram is apparently the “King of Hardcore” now. And why not. He’s got like ten wins. That’s got to be enough to make you the “King of Hardcore,” right?
When we got back from commercial, EC III became the first person in history to utter the phrase “bearded angel.” He then books Tyrus vs. Shark Boy for right now, but Shark Boy doesn’t come out. They send someone backstage to find him, and it turns out that he would much rather eat doughnuts than wrestle for TNA. The joke is that he is really fat now. The announcers bury him.
SHARK BOY vs. TYRUS (w/Ethan Carter III)- squash. Of course, the fact that Shark Boy is fat and out of shake makes this a lot less impressive. That’s TNA booking for you.
JEFF HARDY PROMO- short and sweet
BRAM WON’T TELL US WHY HE ATTACKED DEVON- okay then…
WOLVES PROMO- a good promo ruined by horrifically annoying video effects.
They announce an eight-team tag team #1 contendership tournament.
#1 CONTENDERSHIP ELIMINATION MATCH: Eric Young vs. Bobby Roode vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Austin Aries- 7.5/10
The spot with two guys simultaneously doing their moves went way too slowly to not look bad. Other than that, the match was great, but I have to ask: If they wanted to give Roode the title shot so badly, would it really have been so hard to just have Lashley cheat to beat him?
Anyway, and good show in the ring, but with some terrible booking.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay- “a faceplant-style bulldog.”
No. It’s one or the other, Mike. They are different things. Either he had the headlock, in which case it is a bulldog, or he didn’t, in which case it is a faceplant. It can’t possibly be both. They are mutually exclusive.
Kurt says that he gave MVP and Kenny King the night off. He reiterated for what felt like the twelfth time (though this might be Tenay’s fault) that he “can’t have” “the world heavyweight title picture” “manipulated.” Then Kurt said that Lashley is “required to defend the TNA World Heavyweight Championship at all times.”
WHOA WHO WHOA WHOA WHOA
“At all times?” Like a 24/7 rule or something? And since when has this been a rule? We’ve seen champions turn down title matches thousands of times in the past. Why is this a rule all of a sudden?
Kurt wants to know why Lashley turned down Bobby Roode’s request for a title match last week. Here’s a better question: If Kurt wanted the match to happen so damn badly, WHY DIDN’T HE JUST BOOK THE F*CKING MATCH?!
Anyway, Lashley responds by telling Kurt that he didn’t give Bobby Roode a rematch because Roode already had a title shot. That’s a good point, Bobby! Let’s see how Kurt responds…
He doesn’t. Why? Probably because THERE IS NO GOOD COUNTER-ARGUMENT.
He also asks Kurt if he wants a title shot. Kurt says that it will happen one day. TNA, of course, knows that this match will never happen, but they tease it anyway, because they hate their fans.
Kurt then books a #1 contendership match for tonight’s main event. What happened to Lashley having to defend the belt “at all times?”
The #1 contendership match will feature Eric Young, Jeff Hardy, Austin Aries, and Bobby Roode. So basically… four guys who Lashley already beat cleanly, and who have done nothing to earn a title shot since then. In fact, Kurt even BRINGS UP the fact that Lashley has beaten them all before… and doesn’t explain in any way why deserve another title shot. This promotion is booked by morons.
TNA HALL OF FAME CLIPS- way too kill kayfabe by showing the wrestlers just hanging out together. You couldn’t have played some clips instead of showing us the shots of the wrestlers seated at the tables?
MATT HARDY & MAGNUS SEGMENT- not bad. We have a match for later. But sine when have Magnus and Bram not been getting along? Taz and Tenay appear to have no idea about the angle leading into this match. Tenay kept putting words in Matt’s mouth, and Taz seemed to have no idea that Magnus and Bram were supposed to be not getting along (I guess he’s like the rest of us).
MADISON RAYNE PROMO- great stuff, but it reminded me how dumb this heel turn was.
TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Havok(c) vs. Madison Rayne- 4/10
Despite turning heel last week, Madison wrestled the entire match as a babyface. Havok used a very lewd submission. At another point during the match, she went for a different submission outside the ring. Rather than count the competitors out like he should, Earl Hebner went on the outside to tell Havok to break the hold. Astonishingly, Havok, the heel, listened to him.
The match dragged on and got boring. Havok won with her chokeslam, which Taz and Tenay made sure to inform us was called the “Harlot Slayer” because… um… I guess someone thought they needed a move with a misogynistic name.
KURT ANGLE & DEVON BACKSTAGE- um… kind of pointless.
ERIC YOUNG PROMO- okay.
MATT HARDY vs. MAGNUS- 7/10
Great match!
EC III PROMO FROM BFG- he hypes up the reveal of his new bodyguard tonight.
DJ ZEMA ION, JESSE GODDERZ, & ANGELINA LOVE (w/Velvet Sky) vs. THE MENAGERIE (Crazzy Steve, Rebel, & Knux)- 2/10
The kayfabe reason for Robbie E. not being here tonight is that he is on The Amazing Race. They do realize that The Amazing Race was pre-taped, right?
Anyway, they had a short and boring match which The Menagerie won when Crazzy Steve actually pinned someone. Taz then immediately buried this fact by saying that the only thing that matters is who is leaving with the Beautiful People.
BOBBY ROODE & AUSTIN ARIES BACKSTAGE- decent
WHO WILL BE ETHAN CARTER III’S NEW BODYGUARD- It’s Brodus Clay. Taz made a big deal about EC III’s assistant told him that EC III wanted to be the one to reveal his bodyguard’s name… which seems pretty pointless when he is just walking out here with EC III already. It would have been much better to have EC III come out alone and then introduce his new bodyguard and let The Artist Formerly Known As Brodus Clay come out like that.
Anyway, Brodus’ new name is “Tyrus.” His name is Tyrus. His name is Tyrus. His name is Tyrus. His name is Tyrus. If you’re wondering why I typed that so many times, it is because EC III said it a whole bunch of times. I have no idea why.
He also cut a promo saying that Bully should be kicked out of the TNA Hall of Fame because he put Dixie through a table. He says he has beaten a bunch of TNA Hall of Famers. He says he is undefeated (a lie that TNA continues to promote as truth for explicable reason).
Devon comes out and cuts a great promo, but randomly got attacked by Bram. Bram is apparently the “King of Hardcore” now. And why not. He’s got like ten wins. That’s got to be enough to make you the “King of Hardcore,” right?
When we got back from commercial, EC III became the first person in history to utter the phrase “bearded angel.” He then books Tyrus vs. Shark Boy for right now, but Shark Boy doesn’t come out. They send someone backstage to find him, and it turns out that he would much rather eat doughnuts than wrestle for TNA. The joke is that he is really fat now. The announcers bury him.
SHARK BOY vs. TYRUS (w/Ethan Carter III)- squash. Of course, the fact that Shark Boy is fat and out of shake makes this a lot less impressive. That’s TNA booking for you.
JEFF HARDY PROMO- short and sweet
BRAM WON’T TELL US WHY HE ATTACKED DEVON- okay then…
WOLVES PROMO- a good promo ruined by horrifically annoying video effects.
They announce an eight-team tag team #1 contendership tournament.
#1 CONTENDERSHIP ELIMINATION MATCH: Eric Young vs. Bobby Roode vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Austin Aries- 7.5/10
The spot with two guys simultaneously doing their moves went way too slowly to not look bad. Other than that, the match was great, but I have to ask: If they wanted to give Roode the title shot so badly, would it really have been so hard to just have Lashley cheat to beat him?
Anyway, and good show in the ring, but with some terrible booking.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay- “a faceplant-style bulldog.”
No. It’s one or the other, Mike. They are different things. Either he had the headlock, in which case it is a bulldog, or he didn’t, in which case it is a faceplant. It can’t possibly be both. They are mutually exclusive.