BRM Flips Several Sh*ts while watching the 5/15/2014 Impact
Posted: May 15th, '14, 23:57
EY WANTS TO FIGHT MVP IN THE PARKING LOT- bad
This was apparently taped “moments ago.” So it is “moments” before the show starts and the Director of Wrestling Operations isn’t here yet? At least he did show up before the show started. EY tried to get at him, but was held back by security. Yes. The super-pissed off top babyface in the company was held back by security. WRESTLING SHOW SECURITY! What a punk!
EY PROMO- EY comes out to the ring and cuts a promo about how pissed off he is at MVP for betraying him and betraying everyone in the locker room and says that he wants to fight MVP right now! Well if you wanted to fight him so bad, why didn’t you try to fight through the security guys to get to him in the parking lot two minutes ago?
MVP then cut a promo on the PandaTron from the standard interview set, but despite knowing exactly where MVP was, EY made no move to go to him and fight him. He just stood there clamly the whole time while MVP rambled on, saying things that… well… just stick with me through this next paragraph or two, and then you’ll see the rant.
MVP said that EY really should be grateful to MVP for giving him the opportunity to earn the title shot in which he won the title… and he’s right. EY had not only done nothing to earn a title shot, but he had lost a title match just the week before.
MVP says that he has an evil plan which he will reveal when the time is right, but that EY winning the world title sped his plans up. I will right now go on the record as predicting that whatever MVP’s evil plan is, EY winning the world title would not have mattered in the slightest to it if MVP wasn’t an idiot.
MVP says that he wants to be the TNA World Heavyweight Champion “because that’s where the true power lies.” At this point, I completely lost it. Jumping up and down, screaming, pulling my hair out, kicking over a pile of laundry, throwing the remote at the sofa as hard as I could… the works.
I recently made a comment (though it might have been on the ROHWorld forum instead of here [GASP! Another forum! How could you, BRM?!]) that MVP’s heel turn absolutely destroyed any faith I had in TNA simply because it shows a staggering inability to do anything new. This is a level beyond that. This is taking that and adding on a complete and total inability to learn from their mistakes the last five times they have rehashed this whole thing!
MVP wants to hold the TNA World Heavyweight Title because that will give him power:
1. He is already a major investor in the company and the Director of Wrestling Operations. What more power could the belt possibly give him?!
2. In late 2008 and 2009, the Main Event Mafia wanted to win the title because “the titles have power.” In 2010, Sting wanted to win the world title from RVD because it would give him the power to expose the “deception.” In late 2010 and early 2011, Immortal wanted to control all of the titles in TNA because that would give them “power” in case Dixie Carter won the company back in a legal battle. Then, in the spring and summer of 2011, Sting wanted the world title because it would “give him the power to fight Immortal” while Immortal wanted the world title so that they could keep this power away from Sting. In 2013, Bully Ray wanted to win the world title because that would give him and the Aces & Eights “power.” That is five times in the past five and a half years where they have done an angle about how the belt would give someone “power” and NOT ONCE was it ever explained why the belt gave you power, or what this power was, and we never once saw anyone attempt to use this power. Because of this, I, as a fan, am left with no choice but to conclude that this power is fictitious. It’s a myth. A lie. It’s nothing. If it actually did exist, then maybe one of these people would have used it at some point, but no one ever has. As a result, whenever they bring it up, I just roll my eyes and stop caring.
To contrast, I am currently in the middle of watching ROH Honor Nation. This was the first show after the Age of the Fall’s debut (possibly the greatest debut of any stable ever, at ROH Man Up, which was an amazing show, so GO BUY IT!), and on this show, the first thing that the stable’s leader, Jimmy Jacobs, said was that they attacked the Briscoes because the Briscoes had the tag team titles and the tag team titles gave the Briscoes the ability to demand time to cut promos, and the Age of the Fall wanted that power so that they could spread their message. RIGHT AWAY they established what this “power” was and why these guys would want it.
To defend his assertion that the world title has power and that there is no power in corporate jobs, he brings up the example of Donald Sterling. These two situations are nowhere close to analogous because Donald Sterling did not control all of the operations of the NBA! And even if we follow MVP’s example, if the Clippers win the NBA Championship, what “power” does this get them? It gets them money, which MVP already has, and respect for their talents as athletes, which MVP already has… but it does not get them power. The NBA Champions do not get to invoke a rule allowing them to shoot extra free throws when they get fouled next season or anything like that. NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY F*CKING SENSE!
Anyway, MVP says that he will let EY keep the belt for a few more weeks, just to be a nice guy. WHY?! If you’re going to be an evil heel, JUST BE AN EVIL HEEL! EY then says that he promised the fans that he would defend the belt every week, and he wants to fight MVP, so he will defend the title against MVP tonight. MVP responded by saying a lot of confusing things, one of which seemed to be that he won’t make any money by wrestling tonight (“don’t fight for free”). MVP is one of TNA’s major shareholders. Doesn’t he make money when they do well? So wouldn't theoretically drawing a big rating by having a world title match in a hot feud contribute to allowing TNA to raise the ad rates, thus making MVP some money? Or couldn’t he just sign himself to a contract so that he does get paid for this match?
Either way, MVP says that he will send his security to deal with “insignificant issues” like EY, but then said that if EY gets through his security, he will fight MVP tonight. I think?
So are we getting EY running a gauntlet of security guys until he gets to MVP, and then facing MVP for the title? If so, wouldn’t MVP’s problem of not getting paid for this match still stand? Why did he change his mind?
I hate this company.
Oh. Now that they are done talking, EY runs off, presumably to go fight MVP. At this point, I don’t even care. I’m just glad that this sh*tfest of a segment is over. I don’ think there is anything they could do that could possibly be worse than this.
Oh f*ck. Why did I have to go and open my big mouth?
DIXIE CARTER & SPUD IN DIXIE’S CAR- they drive up to Dixie’s house, where someone (presumably Bully Ray) has spray-painted “Bully Fears Dixie” on what appears to have been a previously blank brown sign. This means either one of two things:
1. Dixie has not been home in seven days
2. Bully decided to wait a week before enacting revenge on his mortal enemy.
It also means that either Dixie did not watch last week’s Impact AND no one from her staff (including loyal Spud) told her that Bully got her address… or if one of those things happened, she was too stupid to hire any extra security for her house.
Apparently the brown surface was a table, which I learned when Mike Tenay reacted to witnessing this act of home invasion and the implied threat of violence against a middle-aged woman by robotically saying “calling card in the form of tables, are all over Dixie’s front lawn.” NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS IN REAL LIFE. Or maybe Mike Tenay does. “Dessert- the cookies- left too long in the oven by their baker, my wife, have now burnt and cannot be eaten.”)
Anyway, there were also two tables in the background on the lawn, which I didn’t notice at first (or if I did, I just assumed they were regular lawn furniture). This means that Bully schlepped a whole bunch of tables with him so that he could randomly set them up on Dixie’s lawn to scare her. Let that sink in for a second.
Taz and Tenay then announce two matches for tonight’s show. The first is James Storm vs. Mr. Anderson. Good. The second is Sanada defending the X-Division Title against Tigre Uno, who has not been on TV since losing an X-Division Title match to Sanada at Sacrifice, and Zema Ion, who has not won a single match since losing an X-Division Title match to Austin Aries BACK IN JANUARY! Why the f*ck are these guys getting title shots?!
They also tell us that Willow vs. Magnus and Bram will be up next.
When we come back to the show, we get a shot of Willow standing on a staircase. This week’s adjective for Willow is “unpredictable.” Anyway, Magnus comes up to the unpredictable alter-ego of Jeff Hardy, and they start to fight. Jeff takes it to Mangus down the staircase, but then Bram comes from behind (meaning he was already up the staircase) and attacks Willow. They're all dressed in their gear, but I’m not sure if this is an official match or not. Apparently it is, because there is a referee just waiting in the ring. Anyway…
HANDICAP MATCH: Willow vs. Magnus & Bram- 2/10
Apparently Bram has an “iron-clad contract” now. Is MVP an idiot? Why would you ever sign someone to a contract like that? And after all of the trouble WWE got in when they booked themselves into a corner because of Big Show’s “iron-clad contract” last year, you’d think that TNA would have learned from WWE’s mistake and not signed someone to an “iron-clad contract.” And to make matters worse, TNA has done it in a spot where there is absolutely no reason to have it!
Willow beats them up until they start double-teaming him. Bram wants Magnus to hit Willow with a crowbar, but Magnus won’t do it because he doesn’t want to get DQed. Willow then rolls Magnus up. The crowd was hot for the whole thing. The angle appears to be that Bram wants Magnus to be more aggressive… but to what end? How does it help him (meaning Bram)?
EY IN MVP’S OFFICE- security just lets him through. MVP isn’t in his office, though, so EY just starts breaking stuff. I don’t care.
DIXIE & SPUD ON DIXIE’S LAWN- bad.
Apparently Bully really did take the time to set up tables all over the lawn and spray-paint “Dixie fears Bully” on them. Think about this. Bully Ray rented a U-Haul or something, then drove to the local Home Depot and bought twenty wooden folding tables and some cans of white spray paint. Then he drove the U-Haul right up Dixie’s driveway and started to unload the tables, placing them around the lawn, and then walking around and spray-painting them ALL IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
Then Dixie’s phone rings. It’s Bully Ray. He asks her “didn’t you like my art project?” and says that “the call is coming from inside the house.” Dixie orders Spud and the cameraman to go into her house and record anything Bully Ray may have done. She says that she will call the cops. Having been the victim of a break-in before in my life, and once had a scare at my place of work which just turned out to be an alarm malfunction, I know that the cops will walk through with you and record anything that a trespasser may have done, so there is no need to send Spud and the cameraman in.
GAIL KIM & THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE- Gail issues an open challenge. TBP come out and Angelina cuts a promo on her while Velvet sneaks up behind her and jumps her from behind. Angelina then calls Brian Stiffler (the same guy who got distracted by Velvet’s rack last week) to come down to the ring to be the referee for…
GAIL KIM vs. VELVET SKY (w/Angelina Love)- 2.5/10
Velvet looked better than usual in the ring, and the crowd was very hot for this. Gail gets the win, but Angelina jumps her from behind after the match. Taz and Tenay kept saying that this feud was about The Beautiful People not giving Gail credit for helping put the Knockouts Division on the map or something like that, but I don’t remember any of the women ever saying anything like that.
EC III PROMO AFTER HIS MATCH WITH KURT LAST WEEK- awesome!
KAZARIAN vs. CRAZY STEVE (w/the Menagerie)- -2.25/10
I strongly considered just giving up on the show at this point. This was HORRENDOUS. SOME of Crazy Steve’s antics amused me, but they were few and far between. The match had no finish that I could discern until it was announced Crazy Steve got DQed for pantsing the ref, but by the time that had happened, Kaz appeared to have just walked off with no comment by the announcers. I was actually certain that Kaz had decided that he wasn’t going to put up with this bullsh*t in his last TNA match and just shoot walked out.
The idea that TNA’s writers thought this was a good idea scares me. This was a total clusterf*ck of sh*t. In an attempt to make it even more annoying, they left the Menagerie's annoying carnival music entrance playing the whole time. I don't like New Jack at all and I think he is a horrible person who takes things WAY too seriously and often overreacts, but I really hope that he sees this and starts making angry threats towards TNA in order to get them to not play Menagerie's music throughout their matches.
By far the most impressive part of this was Rebel’s ability to do cartwheels in high-heeled boots. Then again, the bar for “most impressive part of this” was probably lower than the heels on her boots, so that’s not saying much.
AUSTIN ARIES CONFRONTS MVP- good.
Aries actually tried to FIGHT the security guys, and took the biggest one of them down with ONE PUNCH. Then it took THREE of them to restrain him… then MVP punched the helpless Aries in the gut. THAT is how you do a segment like this.
Then EY jumped MVP from behind while security dragged Aries away.
EY & MVP BRAWL- LEARN TO F*CKING SELL, ERIC!
MVP beats EY up and Pillmanizers his arm. Then he uses his necktie to put EY in a hangman’s chokehold. After all of this happened, EY made a comeback, and did not sell the Pillmanizer at all. That right there totally killed this whole thing for me. MVP continued to work EY’s arm over in the ring, but if a Pillmanizer isn’t going to hurt EY’s arm, why should a knee drop do it?
Turns out it doesn’t, as EY had no trouble at all, using his arm to make another comeback. It was a long time before anyone tried to break this up, which makes no sense at all with how MVP has handled his security so far this show.
MVP got the advantage when security decided to stop trying to restrain him, but did restrain Eric so that MVP could give him a low blow. Then MVP went after EY’s arm again and announced that EY would defend the world title against him tonight… but, for some reason, that match is not happening right now, despite MVP wanting the title and EY being injured.
SPUD AND THE CAMERAMAN INVESTIGATE DIXIE’S HOUSE-
Once he got access to his mortal enemy’s house, what did Bully do? THE SAME THING HE DID OUTSIDE- bring a wooden folding table into the hallway and spray-paint “Dixie fears Bully” on it. WHAT THE F*CK?! Couldn’t they at least have him spray it on one of the ornate, fancy, wooden tables that a rich person like Dixie certainly has in her house?
Oh. And he cooked. He was talking to someone on the phone, complaining about Dixie's poor wine selection (which would make that person an accessory to this crime. Way to go, Bully. Some friend you are). The cameraman confronts Bully while Spud hides. Bully finds Spud, takes his phone, and starts to choke him to death. Upon seeing this possible murder, Taz robotically comments “it looks like Spud is up you-know-what creek without a paddle. What is Dixie going to do next?”
MR. ANDERSON vs. JAMES STORM- 4.75/10
GREAT heel finish!
Tenay plugged One Night Only: Jokers Wild 2, but he did not once mention Beer Money vs. Wolves.
SAM SHAW IN THE INSANE ASYLUM- Because TNA must be as cliché as possible, Shaw is sitting down cross-legged, in a padded room, wearing a straightjacket. A leg steps into the frame and a man’s voice announces “there’s someone here to see you, Samuel.” Shaw asks “Christy? Is it Christy?”
WHY COULDN’T THEY JUST LET THIS CHARACTER DIE?!
Here’s what really pissed me off about this segment: With both the Bully Ray in the TNA offices BS last week and the Bully invades Dixie’s house BS this week, they took the time to establish why there was a camera there at all… but here they just ignore that question completely. BE CONSISTENT!
TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: Sanada(c) vs. Tigre Uno vs. Zema Ion- 4.5/10
In case you had any thoughts that someone else might win, they showed a video package of Sanada training his body and his mind and saying that he wants to make The Great Muta and all of Japan proud. This video was easily the second best thing on this show, down only to the EC III promo. The match itself was okay. They did stuff.
CRAP AT DIXIE’S HOUSE: PART 4- bad.
Taz and Tenay told us that this was happening live… which means it is bright as day outside at 9:30 PM in Nashville in mid-May. Bully calls Dixie and tells her that Spud is tied up so she is all alone. Which brings up two questions:
1. Why have the cops not shown up yet? Didn’t Dixie say she was going to call them earlier?
2. How did the cameraman get outside?
SAMUEL SHAW IN THE INSANE ASYLUM, PART 2-
You will never, in a million years, guess who decided to visit Sam Shaw. Go ahead. Guess.
It’s Gunner.
Like I said, you would never guess it in a million years… because the two have never had any interactions at all. He is here because he thinks Samuel needs somebody to talk to. A nice thing to do, which is what we like to see out of our babyfaces, but doesn’t he realize that psychiatric hospitals have psychiatric professionals whose job it is to do exactly this?
DIXIE’S HOUSE, PART 5- I’m going to have a f*cking aneurysm
Dixie has decided to venture into the house where her mortal enemy is waiting to attack her. Bully shows up and tells Dixie that this is all her fault because of what she did at Sacrifice. Does he not understand the fact that he DOUBLE-CROSSED HER AND STOLE HER MONEY at Lockdown?!
Bully says that Dixie “has the whole world convinced that Bully Ray fears Dixie Carter.” WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVES THIS? In the world of kayfabe, WHO BELIEVES THIS?! Is there anyone other than Spud?
Anyway, it turns out that all Bully wants is for Dixie to admit in front of the whole world, that she fears him. Really?! Cause two weeks ago you swore that you were going to put her through a table. Whatever happened to that? Did you just get lazy, like you did when claimed you were going to light Anderson on fire and never did?
Anyway, Dixie is about to say it when EC III sneaks up behind Bully and knocks him out. HOW THE F*CK DID HE GET INTO THE HOUSE? Was he just asleep in a bedroom upstairs the whole time? And why the f*ck is he allowed to not be at work? I HATE THIS F*CKING SHOW SO MUCH!
I think they are actually trying to write a show that will make me hang myself at this point.
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Eric Young(c) vs. MVP- DUD!
MVP works over EY’s arm, but whenever EY gets to go on offense, he totally forgets to sell it. EY is about to hit the diving elbow drop when Kenny King, who has been feuding with MVP, comes out and attacks EY for the DQ. Apparently they are buddies now. They beat EY down until Bobby Lashley comes out and pretends he is going to make the save just so that he can swerve us. Wouldn’t it have been much more surprising and made so much more sense to switch these two roles around?
Anyway, EY gets a beating. MVP does not bother to order another ref to come out (or even just appoint one of his buddies as a guest referee) so he can restart the match and win the title like he had wanted to.
Then they took kayfabe, broke its arms and legs, strapped electrodes to its genitals, shot in the face with a shotgun, took a sh*t on its corpse, doused it in lighter fluid and set it on fire. They showed a preview for next week’s show… including clips… WHICH HAVEN’T KAYFABE HAPPENED YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really hope this company dies. Everyone working for TNA that can get out of their contract should do so. They should go to Ring of Honor and help them grow or go to Jeff Jarrett’s new promotion and help ensure that it is a success, but everyone who can should leave TNA forever, and do so as soon as possible.
The saddest part of everything here is that aside from the X-Division Title match and the main event, all of the wrestling was good for the time it was given and did its job effectively (and the X-Division Title match was pointless, but not bad or anything). It’s only when TNA tries to tell their complicated stories that everything absolutely sucks.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Taz- “If you’re looking for the proverbial headlocks, armbars, drop toe holds- you might not get them in this match.”
THEY’RE NOT PROVERBIAL!
2. Taz has decided that he will call just Tigre Uno “Tiger” because either he doesn’t have enough respect for the Spanish language to even attempt to pronounce two words of it, or he is just a retard.
This was apparently taped “moments ago.” So it is “moments” before the show starts and the Director of Wrestling Operations isn’t here yet? At least he did show up before the show started. EY tried to get at him, but was held back by security. Yes. The super-pissed off top babyface in the company was held back by security. WRESTLING SHOW SECURITY! What a punk!
EY PROMO- EY comes out to the ring and cuts a promo about how pissed off he is at MVP for betraying him and betraying everyone in the locker room and says that he wants to fight MVP right now! Well if you wanted to fight him so bad, why didn’t you try to fight through the security guys to get to him in the parking lot two minutes ago?
MVP then cut a promo on the PandaTron from the standard interview set, but despite knowing exactly where MVP was, EY made no move to go to him and fight him. He just stood there clamly the whole time while MVP rambled on, saying things that… well… just stick with me through this next paragraph or two, and then you’ll see the rant.
MVP said that EY really should be grateful to MVP for giving him the opportunity to earn the title shot in which he won the title… and he’s right. EY had not only done nothing to earn a title shot, but he had lost a title match just the week before.
MVP says that he has an evil plan which he will reveal when the time is right, but that EY winning the world title sped his plans up. I will right now go on the record as predicting that whatever MVP’s evil plan is, EY winning the world title would not have mattered in the slightest to it if MVP wasn’t an idiot.
MVP says that he wants to be the TNA World Heavyweight Champion “because that’s where the true power lies.” At this point, I completely lost it. Jumping up and down, screaming, pulling my hair out, kicking over a pile of laundry, throwing the remote at the sofa as hard as I could… the works.
I recently made a comment (though it might have been on the ROHWorld forum instead of here [GASP! Another forum! How could you, BRM?!]) that MVP’s heel turn absolutely destroyed any faith I had in TNA simply because it shows a staggering inability to do anything new. This is a level beyond that. This is taking that and adding on a complete and total inability to learn from their mistakes the last five times they have rehashed this whole thing!
MVP wants to hold the TNA World Heavyweight Title because that will give him power:
1. He is already a major investor in the company and the Director of Wrestling Operations. What more power could the belt possibly give him?!
2. In late 2008 and 2009, the Main Event Mafia wanted to win the title because “the titles have power.” In 2010, Sting wanted to win the world title from RVD because it would give him the power to expose the “deception.” In late 2010 and early 2011, Immortal wanted to control all of the titles in TNA because that would give them “power” in case Dixie Carter won the company back in a legal battle. Then, in the spring and summer of 2011, Sting wanted the world title because it would “give him the power to fight Immortal” while Immortal wanted the world title so that they could keep this power away from Sting. In 2013, Bully Ray wanted to win the world title because that would give him and the Aces & Eights “power.” That is five times in the past five and a half years where they have done an angle about how the belt would give someone “power” and NOT ONCE was it ever explained why the belt gave you power, or what this power was, and we never once saw anyone attempt to use this power. Because of this, I, as a fan, am left with no choice but to conclude that this power is fictitious. It’s a myth. A lie. It’s nothing. If it actually did exist, then maybe one of these people would have used it at some point, but no one ever has. As a result, whenever they bring it up, I just roll my eyes and stop caring.
To contrast, I am currently in the middle of watching ROH Honor Nation. This was the first show after the Age of the Fall’s debut (possibly the greatest debut of any stable ever, at ROH Man Up, which was an amazing show, so GO BUY IT!), and on this show, the first thing that the stable’s leader, Jimmy Jacobs, said was that they attacked the Briscoes because the Briscoes had the tag team titles and the tag team titles gave the Briscoes the ability to demand time to cut promos, and the Age of the Fall wanted that power so that they could spread their message. RIGHT AWAY they established what this “power” was and why these guys would want it.
To defend his assertion that the world title has power and that there is no power in corporate jobs, he brings up the example of Donald Sterling. These two situations are nowhere close to analogous because Donald Sterling did not control all of the operations of the NBA! And even if we follow MVP’s example, if the Clippers win the NBA Championship, what “power” does this get them? It gets them money, which MVP already has, and respect for their talents as athletes, which MVP already has… but it does not get them power. The NBA Champions do not get to invoke a rule allowing them to shoot extra free throws when they get fouled next season or anything like that. NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY F*CKING SENSE!
Anyway, MVP says that he will let EY keep the belt for a few more weeks, just to be a nice guy. WHY?! If you’re going to be an evil heel, JUST BE AN EVIL HEEL! EY then says that he promised the fans that he would defend the belt every week, and he wants to fight MVP, so he will defend the title against MVP tonight. MVP responded by saying a lot of confusing things, one of which seemed to be that he won’t make any money by wrestling tonight (“don’t fight for free”). MVP is one of TNA’s major shareholders. Doesn’t he make money when they do well? So wouldn't theoretically drawing a big rating by having a world title match in a hot feud contribute to allowing TNA to raise the ad rates, thus making MVP some money? Or couldn’t he just sign himself to a contract so that he does get paid for this match?
Either way, MVP says that he will send his security to deal with “insignificant issues” like EY, but then said that if EY gets through his security, he will fight MVP tonight. I think?
So are we getting EY running a gauntlet of security guys until he gets to MVP, and then facing MVP for the title? If so, wouldn’t MVP’s problem of not getting paid for this match still stand? Why did he change his mind?
I hate this company.
Oh. Now that they are done talking, EY runs off, presumably to go fight MVP. At this point, I don’t even care. I’m just glad that this sh*tfest of a segment is over. I don’ think there is anything they could do that could possibly be worse than this.
Oh f*ck. Why did I have to go and open my big mouth?
DIXIE CARTER & SPUD IN DIXIE’S CAR- they drive up to Dixie’s house, where someone (presumably Bully Ray) has spray-painted “Bully Fears Dixie” on what appears to have been a previously blank brown sign. This means either one of two things:
1. Dixie has not been home in seven days
2. Bully decided to wait a week before enacting revenge on his mortal enemy.
It also means that either Dixie did not watch last week’s Impact AND no one from her staff (including loyal Spud) told her that Bully got her address… or if one of those things happened, she was too stupid to hire any extra security for her house.
Apparently the brown surface was a table, which I learned when Mike Tenay reacted to witnessing this act of home invasion and the implied threat of violence against a middle-aged woman by robotically saying “calling card in the form of tables, are all over Dixie’s front lawn.” NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS IN REAL LIFE. Or maybe Mike Tenay does. “Dessert- the cookies- left too long in the oven by their baker, my wife, have now burnt and cannot be eaten.”)
Anyway, there were also two tables in the background on the lawn, which I didn’t notice at first (or if I did, I just assumed they were regular lawn furniture). This means that Bully schlepped a whole bunch of tables with him so that he could randomly set them up on Dixie’s lawn to scare her. Let that sink in for a second.
Taz and Tenay then announce two matches for tonight’s show. The first is James Storm vs. Mr. Anderson. Good. The second is Sanada defending the X-Division Title against Tigre Uno, who has not been on TV since losing an X-Division Title match to Sanada at Sacrifice, and Zema Ion, who has not won a single match since losing an X-Division Title match to Austin Aries BACK IN JANUARY! Why the f*ck are these guys getting title shots?!
They also tell us that Willow vs. Magnus and Bram will be up next.
When we come back to the show, we get a shot of Willow standing on a staircase. This week’s adjective for Willow is “unpredictable.” Anyway, Magnus comes up to the unpredictable alter-ego of Jeff Hardy, and they start to fight. Jeff takes it to Mangus down the staircase, but then Bram comes from behind (meaning he was already up the staircase) and attacks Willow. They're all dressed in their gear, but I’m not sure if this is an official match or not. Apparently it is, because there is a referee just waiting in the ring. Anyway…
HANDICAP MATCH: Willow vs. Magnus & Bram- 2/10
Apparently Bram has an “iron-clad contract” now. Is MVP an idiot? Why would you ever sign someone to a contract like that? And after all of the trouble WWE got in when they booked themselves into a corner because of Big Show’s “iron-clad contract” last year, you’d think that TNA would have learned from WWE’s mistake and not signed someone to an “iron-clad contract.” And to make matters worse, TNA has done it in a spot where there is absolutely no reason to have it!
Willow beats them up until they start double-teaming him. Bram wants Magnus to hit Willow with a crowbar, but Magnus won’t do it because he doesn’t want to get DQed. Willow then rolls Magnus up. The crowd was hot for the whole thing. The angle appears to be that Bram wants Magnus to be more aggressive… but to what end? How does it help him (meaning Bram)?
EY IN MVP’S OFFICE- security just lets him through. MVP isn’t in his office, though, so EY just starts breaking stuff. I don’t care.
DIXIE & SPUD ON DIXIE’S LAWN- bad.
Apparently Bully really did take the time to set up tables all over the lawn and spray-paint “Dixie fears Bully” on them. Think about this. Bully Ray rented a U-Haul or something, then drove to the local Home Depot and bought twenty wooden folding tables and some cans of white spray paint. Then he drove the U-Haul right up Dixie’s driveway and started to unload the tables, placing them around the lawn, and then walking around and spray-painting them ALL IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
Then Dixie’s phone rings. It’s Bully Ray. He asks her “didn’t you like my art project?” and says that “the call is coming from inside the house.” Dixie orders Spud and the cameraman to go into her house and record anything Bully Ray may have done. She says that she will call the cops. Having been the victim of a break-in before in my life, and once had a scare at my place of work which just turned out to be an alarm malfunction, I know that the cops will walk through with you and record anything that a trespasser may have done, so there is no need to send Spud and the cameraman in.
GAIL KIM & THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE- Gail issues an open challenge. TBP come out and Angelina cuts a promo on her while Velvet sneaks up behind her and jumps her from behind. Angelina then calls Brian Stiffler (the same guy who got distracted by Velvet’s rack last week) to come down to the ring to be the referee for…
GAIL KIM vs. VELVET SKY (w/Angelina Love)- 2.5/10
Velvet looked better than usual in the ring, and the crowd was very hot for this. Gail gets the win, but Angelina jumps her from behind after the match. Taz and Tenay kept saying that this feud was about The Beautiful People not giving Gail credit for helping put the Knockouts Division on the map or something like that, but I don’t remember any of the women ever saying anything like that.
EC III PROMO AFTER HIS MATCH WITH KURT LAST WEEK- awesome!
KAZARIAN vs. CRAZY STEVE (w/the Menagerie)- -2.25/10
I strongly considered just giving up on the show at this point. This was HORRENDOUS. SOME of Crazy Steve’s antics amused me, but they were few and far between. The match had no finish that I could discern until it was announced Crazy Steve got DQed for pantsing the ref, but by the time that had happened, Kaz appeared to have just walked off with no comment by the announcers. I was actually certain that Kaz had decided that he wasn’t going to put up with this bullsh*t in his last TNA match and just shoot walked out.
The idea that TNA’s writers thought this was a good idea scares me. This was a total clusterf*ck of sh*t. In an attempt to make it even more annoying, they left the Menagerie's annoying carnival music entrance playing the whole time. I don't like New Jack at all and I think he is a horrible person who takes things WAY too seriously and often overreacts, but I really hope that he sees this and starts making angry threats towards TNA in order to get them to not play Menagerie's music throughout their matches.
By far the most impressive part of this was Rebel’s ability to do cartwheels in high-heeled boots. Then again, the bar for “most impressive part of this” was probably lower than the heels on her boots, so that’s not saying much.
AUSTIN ARIES CONFRONTS MVP- good.
Aries actually tried to FIGHT the security guys, and took the biggest one of them down with ONE PUNCH. Then it took THREE of them to restrain him… then MVP punched the helpless Aries in the gut. THAT is how you do a segment like this.
Then EY jumped MVP from behind while security dragged Aries away.
EY & MVP BRAWL- LEARN TO F*CKING SELL, ERIC!
MVP beats EY up and Pillmanizers his arm. Then he uses his necktie to put EY in a hangman’s chokehold. After all of this happened, EY made a comeback, and did not sell the Pillmanizer at all. That right there totally killed this whole thing for me. MVP continued to work EY’s arm over in the ring, but if a Pillmanizer isn’t going to hurt EY’s arm, why should a knee drop do it?
Turns out it doesn’t, as EY had no trouble at all, using his arm to make another comeback. It was a long time before anyone tried to break this up, which makes no sense at all with how MVP has handled his security so far this show.
MVP got the advantage when security decided to stop trying to restrain him, but did restrain Eric so that MVP could give him a low blow. Then MVP went after EY’s arm again and announced that EY would defend the world title against him tonight… but, for some reason, that match is not happening right now, despite MVP wanting the title and EY being injured.
SPUD AND THE CAMERAMAN INVESTIGATE DIXIE’S HOUSE-
Once he got access to his mortal enemy’s house, what did Bully do? THE SAME THING HE DID OUTSIDE- bring a wooden folding table into the hallway and spray-paint “Dixie fears Bully” on it. WHAT THE F*CK?! Couldn’t they at least have him spray it on one of the ornate, fancy, wooden tables that a rich person like Dixie certainly has in her house?
Oh. And he cooked. He was talking to someone on the phone, complaining about Dixie's poor wine selection (which would make that person an accessory to this crime. Way to go, Bully. Some friend you are). The cameraman confronts Bully while Spud hides. Bully finds Spud, takes his phone, and starts to choke him to death. Upon seeing this possible murder, Taz robotically comments “it looks like Spud is up you-know-what creek without a paddle. What is Dixie going to do next?”
MR. ANDERSON vs. JAMES STORM- 4.75/10
GREAT heel finish!
Tenay plugged One Night Only: Jokers Wild 2, but he did not once mention Beer Money vs. Wolves.
SAM SHAW IN THE INSANE ASYLUM- Because TNA must be as cliché as possible, Shaw is sitting down cross-legged, in a padded room, wearing a straightjacket. A leg steps into the frame and a man’s voice announces “there’s someone here to see you, Samuel.” Shaw asks “Christy? Is it Christy?”
WHY COULDN’T THEY JUST LET THIS CHARACTER DIE?!
Here’s what really pissed me off about this segment: With both the Bully Ray in the TNA offices BS last week and the Bully invades Dixie’s house BS this week, they took the time to establish why there was a camera there at all… but here they just ignore that question completely. BE CONSISTENT!
TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: Sanada(c) vs. Tigre Uno vs. Zema Ion- 4.5/10
In case you had any thoughts that someone else might win, they showed a video package of Sanada training his body and his mind and saying that he wants to make The Great Muta and all of Japan proud. This video was easily the second best thing on this show, down only to the EC III promo. The match itself was okay. They did stuff.
CRAP AT DIXIE’S HOUSE: PART 4- bad.
Taz and Tenay told us that this was happening live… which means it is bright as day outside at 9:30 PM in Nashville in mid-May. Bully calls Dixie and tells her that Spud is tied up so she is all alone. Which brings up two questions:
1. Why have the cops not shown up yet? Didn’t Dixie say she was going to call them earlier?
2. How did the cameraman get outside?
SAMUEL SHAW IN THE INSANE ASYLUM, PART 2-
You will never, in a million years, guess who decided to visit Sam Shaw. Go ahead. Guess.
It’s Gunner.
Like I said, you would never guess it in a million years… because the two have never had any interactions at all. He is here because he thinks Samuel needs somebody to talk to. A nice thing to do, which is what we like to see out of our babyfaces, but doesn’t he realize that psychiatric hospitals have psychiatric professionals whose job it is to do exactly this?
DIXIE’S HOUSE, PART 5- I’m going to have a f*cking aneurysm
Dixie has decided to venture into the house where her mortal enemy is waiting to attack her. Bully shows up and tells Dixie that this is all her fault because of what she did at Sacrifice. Does he not understand the fact that he DOUBLE-CROSSED HER AND STOLE HER MONEY at Lockdown?!
Bully says that Dixie “has the whole world convinced that Bully Ray fears Dixie Carter.” WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVES THIS? In the world of kayfabe, WHO BELIEVES THIS?! Is there anyone other than Spud?
Anyway, it turns out that all Bully wants is for Dixie to admit in front of the whole world, that she fears him. Really?! Cause two weeks ago you swore that you were going to put her through a table. Whatever happened to that? Did you just get lazy, like you did when claimed you were going to light Anderson on fire and never did?
Anyway, Dixie is about to say it when EC III sneaks up behind Bully and knocks him out. HOW THE F*CK DID HE GET INTO THE HOUSE? Was he just asleep in a bedroom upstairs the whole time? And why the f*ck is he allowed to not be at work? I HATE THIS F*CKING SHOW SO MUCH!
I think they are actually trying to write a show that will make me hang myself at this point.
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Eric Young(c) vs. MVP- DUD!
MVP works over EY’s arm, but whenever EY gets to go on offense, he totally forgets to sell it. EY is about to hit the diving elbow drop when Kenny King, who has been feuding with MVP, comes out and attacks EY for the DQ. Apparently they are buddies now. They beat EY down until Bobby Lashley comes out and pretends he is going to make the save just so that he can swerve us. Wouldn’t it have been much more surprising and made so much more sense to switch these two roles around?
Anyway, EY gets a beating. MVP does not bother to order another ref to come out (or even just appoint one of his buddies as a guest referee) so he can restart the match and win the title like he had wanted to.
Then they took kayfabe, broke its arms and legs, strapped electrodes to its genitals, shot in the face with a shotgun, took a sh*t on its corpse, doused it in lighter fluid and set it on fire. They showed a preview for next week’s show… including clips… WHICH HAVEN’T KAYFABE HAPPENED YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really hope this company dies. Everyone working for TNA that can get out of their contract should do so. They should go to Ring of Honor and help them grow or go to Jeff Jarrett’s new promotion and help ensure that it is a success, but everyone who can should leave TNA forever, and do so as soon as possible.
The saddest part of everything here is that aside from the X-Division Title match and the main event, all of the wrestling was good for the time it was given and did its job effectively (and the X-Division Title match was pointless, but not bad or anything). It’s only when TNA tries to tell their complicated stories that everything absolutely sucks.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Taz- “If you’re looking for the proverbial headlocks, armbars, drop toe holds- you might not get them in this match.”
THEY’RE NOT PROVERBIAL!
2. Taz has decided that he will call just Tigre Uno “Tiger” because either he doesn’t have enough respect for the Spanish language to even attempt to pronounce two words of it, or he is just a retard.