BRM Reviews the 5/9/2014 Smackdown

[Big Red Machine]

WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: Sheamus(c) vs. Dean Ambrose (w/the Shield)- 6.75/10

ROB VAN DAM & BIG E. vs. WADE BARRETT & CESARO-3.75/10
Michael Cole alluded to last year's Pun vs. Taker match. I don't think it means anything, but if you want to read something into it, I won't stop you. WAY too short.

LANA PROMO- I wonder how Putin feels about being used in this angle and if his GVT does anything to alter the broadcasts of WWE shows in Russia. While totally nonsensical, I would absolutely love to get a segment where we see a Russian family sitting together, watching Raw, and cheering for Rusev. Maybe it could be Nikolai Volkoff's family? We did see him going back to his Soviet sympathies in his last appearance on the Old-School Raw.

KOFI KINGSTON vs. ALEXANDER RUSEV (w/Lana)- no rating.
Same idea as the match from Raw, but at least they came up with a bunch of different spots, so it didn't feel too repetitive.

BRAY WYATT PROMO- AWESOME!

MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: Santino Marella & Emma vs. Fandango & Layla El- DUD!
MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! We’ve seen this match at least fourteen times in the past month, and NOTHING HAS PROGRESSED AT ALL!
Whoever came up with the idea of giant bubbles for Emma's entrance clearly does not understand what made NXT Emma so great. It wasn't just the fact that bubbles existed. It was the combination of the walk and the dance and the msuic and the absent-minded look on her face as she tried to do her dance while popping the tiny bubbles... giant bubbles just seems like a goofy effect for the "bubble girl" and Santino's music completely kills it all, too.
Anyway, they have a Santino power-walking race down to the ring, and Emma trips Santino, causing him to fall flat on his face. WHAT A JERK!
Anyway, they have a very short match. Just long enough for the guys to do a spot, then Emma gets her sh*t in, then Fandango disctracted , allowing Layla to roll her up for the win. I understand that this was all really just a set-up for Layla and Fandango to share a share kiss, but I am still giving it a DUD rather than a "no rating" because we have already seen this so many times! Were there really no other pairings available? Why not put Xavier woods with one of the Funkadactyls. Is that still a thing? Or how about Nattie and TJ? WWE loves to job both of them out so much that they might as well job them out together. It's more romantic that way. Anyway, on to the major kayfabe news of this segment...


FANDANGO & LAYLA MAKE OUT- They share a long, deep, passionate kiss. The term "sucking face" comes to mind. Michael Cole tells us that this is sure to make Summer Rae unhappy. The problem with this angle is that we never really got any indication that Summer Rae and Fandango were anything other than dance partners.

ROMAN REIGNS vs. MARK HENRY- 4/10
Before the match, we got an in-set promo from Mark telling us that he has now decided to take revenge on The Shield for something that had to have happened at least six months ago. He did do a good job of cutting a righteous-anger babyface version of a heel Mark Henry promo. When he came out to the ring, his head and beard were dripping with water. Based on his facial expression, I would not be surprised of a little black raincloud had been following him around everywhere backstage.
The match was too short. They should have just cut Kofi vs. Rusev and given its time to this match.

LOS MATADORES & EL TORITO vs.3MB (Drew McIntyre, Heath Slater, & Hornswoggle) (w/Jinder Mahal)- FUN/10!
Drew and one of the Matadores did a really cool spot in the corner early on. At one point Hornswoggle leveled Torito with a HUGE punch, and a guy in the front row dressed as a referee gave it a standing ovation. If you are going to dress as a referee, you need to go the whole ten yards. He should be getting upset about this use of a closed fist; not cheering it.
The regular-sized people had an okay match, then Hornswoggle and Tortio got tagged in and made me laugh harder than I have laughed at anything in a long time.


MAJOR props are due to Michael Cole for bringing this gem to my attention:

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SETH ROLLINS vs. BATISTA- 6.75/10

THE WYATT FAMILY vs. THE USOS & JOHN CENA- 5/10
Not good enough for a main event. Not close. Harper pins an Uso. Maybe this will lead to a title shot, but I doubt it.

A decent Smackdown with a disappointing main event.