BRM Reviews the 3/27/2014 Impact
Posted: Mar 27th, '14, 22:43
OPENING SEGMENT- THIS SH*T MAKES NO SENSE!
MVP comes out and says that he wants everyone o rise or fall based off of their own talent and not by backstage alliances, so he will now make “an executive decision.” Then Magnus comes out and says that Abyss has a “personal services” contract with Magnus, and thus he doesn’t work for TNA so MVP has no authority over him. If this is true, then how did MVP book him against Joe two weeks ago or compel him to be handcuffed for last week’s title match? The only way this works is if Abyss’ TNA contract expired at some point in the past week, in which case, if he isn’t under contract to TNA, WHY WAS HE ALLOWED IN THE BUILDING?!
Then MVP says that he won’t fire Abyss for attacking him last week. How can MVP fire him if he works for Magnus? MVP JUST SAID THAT HE UNDERSTANDS THIS FACT!
MVP then books Magnus vs. Abyss vs. Joe for the TNA World Heavyweight Title next week. So he is willing to risk having A GUY WHO ISN’T UNDER CONTRACT WIN THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE and also have the title on a guy who has a major restriction on the matches he can wrestle (as they established here, he can only wrestle matches in which Magnus is involved).
And what type of stupid contract is this, anyway?! Why would Magnus make a contract that sets things up so that if he needs someone to represent his interests in a match, it CAN’T be Abyss? And if you are going to go as far as to have the contract say that he can only wrestle in matches Magnus is in, why not say “Abyss can’t be Magnus’ opponent.”
And if MVP wants to be fair to Joe, why doesn’t he just book Joe vs. Magnus for the title ONE-ON-ONE?! And you’ve got to love the sheer idiotic absurdity of the babyface authority figure who opened this segment by talking about how he wanted everything to be fair deciding to give a heel a world title shot when that heel hasn’t done anything to earn it.
And for the icing on top of this stupidity sundae, MVP says that Magnus, the world champion will face “the challenger; Abyss, and the #1 contender Samoa Joe.” HOW CAN ONLY ONE OF THEM BE THE #1 CONTENDER IF IT IS A F*CKING THREE WAY MATCH?! They are both challengers and both are “#1” contenders!”
Oh. Wait. It’s not over. Magnus tells Abyss to “think for yourself!” So basically we’re getting the same angle that has been happening with Abyss since late 2006. Way to make the character fell fresh again, TNA!
Joe comes out and points how stupid MVP’s idea is. MVP is certain that Abyss will “think for himself.” He clearly doesn’t know Abyss very well, does he? Here is only a partial list of people who have gotten Abyss to go along with plans that have either been evil or just plain stupid:
James Mitchell
Hogan/Bischoff/Jeff Jarrett
Dr. Stevie
Eric Young
As I said, that is a partial list. I’m sure I am missing a few. And that is just in the last TEN YEARS.
Joe & MVP have a staredown. Then Joe sucker punches Magnus, starting a brawl. Then EY comes in, giving the babyfaces a 3-on-2 advantage before we go to a commercial. Apparently the babyfaces won the brawl during the commercial.
EY, MVP, & JOE SEGMENT- more stupidity, but at least someone looked good.
EY says that he brought Abyss back into the world, so taking care of him is his responsibility. He asks to be added to the world title match next week. MVP responds by asking “why would I do that?” SO MVP has no problem giving a world title match to a greedy heel who hasn’t earned it, but does have a problem giving a world title match to a valiant babyface who is taking responsibility for his actions and wants to fight a man who almost strangled him to death last week because he hasn’t “earned it.” And to make matters worse, he says this AFTER EY says that all he wants to do is take out Abyss so that Joe can have a fair one-on-one match for the world title against Magnus “the way it’s supposed to be.” WORST BABYFACE AUTHORITY FIGURE EVER!
EY then cut a F*CKING AMAZING PROMO (though it pretty much admitted that all of his gimmicks have scripted creations of TNA- but it was so awesome that I almost didn’t care). Joe then said that EY doesn’t deserve a title match until Joe gets a “fair” rematch. MVP then says “I can’t deny a man that’s willing to step up to the plate and do big things” so he will let EY into the world title match. If all it takes to get a TNA World Heavyweight Title match is to list your accolades and “want to do big things,” why did the entire locker room not empty out and plead their cases?
Joe and EY brawl and MVP waited a good minute before trying to break it up. Joe demands a match and EY later. This segment sucked, but I can’t deny that EY looked awesome here.
BULLY RAY PROMO- he talks about his “twittah machine,” then uses the same serious voice to cut a serious promo on Roode. FAIL. And speaking of failures, Samoa Joe’s music was playing in the background this whole time.
THE WOLVES & MVP BACKSTAGE- The Wolves ask for a match against Magnus and Abyss. For some reason MVP assumed that they meant next week (when Magnus and Abyss already have a match) instead of tonight. They did a good job of making the Wolves not come across as suck-ups here, but still making sure everyone knew that they were MVP’s boys. MVP tells them to “go suit up” despite the fact that they are already wearing their gear. The match will be next.
THE HUNT FOR WILLOW VIDEOS- SO F*CKING STUPID! Not even Spud was entertaining here. At least they gave some reason for why they decided to go to Willow’s “home” instead of just ambushing him in the Impact Zone. What they didn’t give a reason for is WHY THIS WAS PUT ON THE AIR!
THE WOLVES vs. MAGNUS & ABYSS- 4/10
Magnus taps to the Achilles Lock so as not to be injured for next week. How much do you want to bet that this doesn’t lead to Eddie getting a title shot? Abyss walks off with the TNA World Heavyweight Title belt.., and why not? I mean, he and Magnus have only been together for about three weeks, and in the world of TNA, that’s WAY too long for a group to be together without showing signs of dissension.
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE SEGMENT-
Velvet’s rack looks even more gi-normous than usual this week. Her dialogue was just as painful as usual, though. She did decide to show some emotion this week, but she did show by constantly shouting. Angelina says that Velvet lost her edge and became soft without Angelina. She says that Velvet has until the end of tonight’s Angelina vs. Madison match to choose a side.
THE HUNT FOR WILLOW, PART 2- even more stupid.
So the cameraman saw Willow grab Spud but didn’t warn EC III? What a douchebag!
BULLY RAY PROMO- the newly babyface Bully Ray is wearing pants that say “Evil” on them. Poor wardrobe choice. He has a bunch of fans wearing his t-shirt come out form backstage and set up tables around the ring for him. He says that he wanted there to be more tables, but the store was out. Apparently there is only one store in the entire Orlando area that sells wooden tables, and this was the entirety of their inventory. I find that hard to believe.
Bully then says that he made sure that Dixie Carter “is no longer a part of TNA.” If that is true, then how did she compel you to come to HER OFFICE AT TNA HEADQUARTERS last week? Bully reiterates his comments form last week that the last thing wrestling needs is another owner like Dixie Carter. This would work a lot better if everything MVP has done wasn’t either heelish or idiotic.
Roode comes out and cuts a promo. Bully wants to fight but Roode doesn’t want to so Bully makes him fight. They have a good brawl, but it went FOREVER and no one tried to break it up. We saw refs break up the earlier EY vs. Joe brawl. Why aren’t they breaking this one up?
ABYSS & MAGNUS BACKSTAGE- Abyss is unhappy because Magnus tapped out and they lost the match. This is the same Abyss who has intentionally gotten DQed millions of times… and now all of a sudden he doesn’t like losing.
KNUX STUFF- Knux cannot fix the games from his family’s carnival which got ruined in some big flood. His father apparently won’t talk to him because he left the family business to be a wrestler/biker. His sister (I think?) is really hot but had terrible dialogue. I still can’t stop laughing at the fact that he comes from a family of carnival workers. Also, why is this airing? Knux is not now, nor has he ever been kayfabe employed by TNA. We is someone’s documentary about him going back to his family airing in weekly installments on TNA Impact Wrestling?
ANGELINA LOVE vs. MADISON RAYNE- 1/10
Apparently decided to change her clothes between now and her earlier segment. AFTER pointlessly arguing with Angelina, Velvet turns heel. I don’t care what anybody says. There is no way that Russo doesn’t have a hand in booking this. All of these stupid swerves are right out of his playbook.
EY & ODB BACKSTAGE- FANTASTIC! I think I’m actually going to be rooting for EY next week.
MVP & KENNY KING BACKSTAGE- good. Kenny King will be wrestling next week. YAY!
ERIC YOUNG vs. SAMOA JOE- 5/10
If Joe is going to have his ribs taped up, he should probably take his shirt off so we can see it. The goal of this match was to get EY over as an in-ring threat, and in order to do that, this needed to go at least fifteen minutes. EY didn’t even get a single nearfall in.
Earl Hebner came out to tell Brian Hebner that he thinks that Joe was down for a three count. Yeah. FROM ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK, Earl was able to determine that Brian made a mistake.
SAM SHAW & CHRISTY FROM AFTER LAST WEEK’S IMPACT- acting: great! Logic: BAD
Tenay introduced this video by telling us that the actions of Sam Shaw in this video earned him a one-week suspension. That suspension will end in about twenty minutes when this show ends. Why didn’t they show this to us earlier, when it was more relevant.
Anyway, Shaw corners Christy in the make-up room and cuts off a lock of her hair, sniffs it, then leaves. THAT earned him a suspension? We’ve seen people beat each other bloody without punishment! Why not just do that as a f*cking angle on this week’s show! It would make the whole scenario much less stupid.
Match announcements for next week: It will be EC III & Roode vs. Bully & Willow in a tables match. How the f*ck did EC III and Willow get into this?
Also, it will be Samuel Shaw vs. Mr. Anderson in a Straightjacket Match. I have no idea what a Straightjacket match is, but it sounds like these two will wrestle each other while wearing straightjackets, which sounds like it will be terrible.
I did like that they hyped the matches up, though.
NO DQ’S MATCH: James Storm vs. Gunner- 8/10
AWESOME! So awesome that having this play second-fiddle to the Blair Sh*t Project makes TNA just look stupid. I mean how dumb are they. A simple angle leading to a match that gets good time and has a clean finish. That’s all this feud is, and it is BY FAR the best thing in TNA. You’d think they would figure that out and try to do more angles this way, but no. We have to get crap like…
HUNT FOR WILLOW PART 4- horrible.
TNA sucks. This show makes no sense. Storm and Gunner are awesome, though.
MVP comes out and says that he wants everyone o rise or fall based off of their own talent and not by backstage alliances, so he will now make “an executive decision.” Then Magnus comes out and says that Abyss has a “personal services” contract with Magnus, and thus he doesn’t work for TNA so MVP has no authority over him. If this is true, then how did MVP book him against Joe two weeks ago or compel him to be handcuffed for last week’s title match? The only way this works is if Abyss’ TNA contract expired at some point in the past week, in which case, if he isn’t under contract to TNA, WHY WAS HE ALLOWED IN THE BUILDING?!
Then MVP says that he won’t fire Abyss for attacking him last week. How can MVP fire him if he works for Magnus? MVP JUST SAID THAT HE UNDERSTANDS THIS FACT!
MVP then books Magnus vs. Abyss vs. Joe for the TNA World Heavyweight Title next week. So he is willing to risk having A GUY WHO ISN’T UNDER CONTRACT WIN THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE and also have the title on a guy who has a major restriction on the matches he can wrestle (as they established here, he can only wrestle matches in which Magnus is involved).
And what type of stupid contract is this, anyway?! Why would Magnus make a contract that sets things up so that if he needs someone to represent his interests in a match, it CAN’T be Abyss? And if you are going to go as far as to have the contract say that he can only wrestle in matches Magnus is in, why not say “Abyss can’t be Magnus’ opponent.”
And if MVP wants to be fair to Joe, why doesn’t he just book Joe vs. Magnus for the title ONE-ON-ONE?! And you’ve got to love the sheer idiotic absurdity of the babyface authority figure who opened this segment by talking about how he wanted everything to be fair deciding to give a heel a world title shot when that heel hasn’t done anything to earn it.
And for the icing on top of this stupidity sundae, MVP says that Magnus, the world champion will face “the challenger; Abyss, and the #1 contender Samoa Joe.” HOW CAN ONLY ONE OF THEM BE THE #1 CONTENDER IF IT IS A F*CKING THREE WAY MATCH?! They are both challengers and both are “#1” contenders!”
Oh. Wait. It’s not over. Magnus tells Abyss to “think for yourself!” So basically we’re getting the same angle that has been happening with Abyss since late 2006. Way to make the character fell fresh again, TNA!
Joe comes out and points how stupid MVP’s idea is. MVP is certain that Abyss will “think for himself.” He clearly doesn’t know Abyss very well, does he? Here is only a partial list of people who have gotten Abyss to go along with plans that have either been evil or just plain stupid:
James Mitchell
Hogan/Bischoff/Jeff Jarrett
Dr. Stevie
Eric Young
As I said, that is a partial list. I’m sure I am missing a few. And that is just in the last TEN YEARS.
Joe & MVP have a staredown. Then Joe sucker punches Magnus, starting a brawl. Then EY comes in, giving the babyfaces a 3-on-2 advantage before we go to a commercial. Apparently the babyfaces won the brawl during the commercial.
EY, MVP, & JOE SEGMENT- more stupidity, but at least someone looked good.
EY says that he brought Abyss back into the world, so taking care of him is his responsibility. He asks to be added to the world title match next week. MVP responds by asking “why would I do that?” SO MVP has no problem giving a world title match to a greedy heel who hasn’t earned it, but does have a problem giving a world title match to a valiant babyface who is taking responsibility for his actions and wants to fight a man who almost strangled him to death last week because he hasn’t “earned it.” And to make matters worse, he says this AFTER EY says that all he wants to do is take out Abyss so that Joe can have a fair one-on-one match for the world title against Magnus “the way it’s supposed to be.” WORST BABYFACE AUTHORITY FIGURE EVER!
EY then cut a F*CKING AMAZING PROMO (though it pretty much admitted that all of his gimmicks have scripted creations of TNA- but it was so awesome that I almost didn’t care). Joe then said that EY doesn’t deserve a title match until Joe gets a “fair” rematch. MVP then says “I can’t deny a man that’s willing to step up to the plate and do big things” so he will let EY into the world title match. If all it takes to get a TNA World Heavyweight Title match is to list your accolades and “want to do big things,” why did the entire locker room not empty out and plead their cases?
Joe and EY brawl and MVP waited a good minute before trying to break it up. Joe demands a match and EY later. This segment sucked, but I can’t deny that EY looked awesome here.
BULLY RAY PROMO- he talks about his “twittah machine,” then uses the same serious voice to cut a serious promo on Roode. FAIL. And speaking of failures, Samoa Joe’s music was playing in the background this whole time.
THE WOLVES & MVP BACKSTAGE- The Wolves ask for a match against Magnus and Abyss. For some reason MVP assumed that they meant next week (when Magnus and Abyss already have a match) instead of tonight. They did a good job of making the Wolves not come across as suck-ups here, but still making sure everyone knew that they were MVP’s boys. MVP tells them to “go suit up” despite the fact that they are already wearing their gear. The match will be next.
THE HUNT FOR WILLOW VIDEOS- SO F*CKING STUPID! Not even Spud was entertaining here. At least they gave some reason for why they decided to go to Willow’s “home” instead of just ambushing him in the Impact Zone. What they didn’t give a reason for is WHY THIS WAS PUT ON THE AIR!
THE WOLVES vs. MAGNUS & ABYSS- 4/10
Magnus taps to the Achilles Lock so as not to be injured for next week. How much do you want to bet that this doesn’t lead to Eddie getting a title shot? Abyss walks off with the TNA World Heavyweight Title belt.., and why not? I mean, he and Magnus have only been together for about three weeks, and in the world of TNA, that’s WAY too long for a group to be together without showing signs of dissension.
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE SEGMENT-
Velvet’s rack looks even more gi-normous than usual this week. Her dialogue was just as painful as usual, though. She did decide to show some emotion this week, but she did show by constantly shouting. Angelina says that Velvet lost her edge and became soft without Angelina. She says that Velvet has until the end of tonight’s Angelina vs. Madison match to choose a side.
THE HUNT FOR WILLOW, PART 2- even more stupid.
So the cameraman saw Willow grab Spud but didn’t warn EC III? What a douchebag!
BULLY RAY PROMO- the newly babyface Bully Ray is wearing pants that say “Evil” on them. Poor wardrobe choice. He has a bunch of fans wearing his t-shirt come out form backstage and set up tables around the ring for him. He says that he wanted there to be more tables, but the store was out. Apparently there is only one store in the entire Orlando area that sells wooden tables, and this was the entirety of their inventory. I find that hard to believe.
Bully then says that he made sure that Dixie Carter “is no longer a part of TNA.” If that is true, then how did she compel you to come to HER OFFICE AT TNA HEADQUARTERS last week? Bully reiterates his comments form last week that the last thing wrestling needs is another owner like Dixie Carter. This would work a lot better if everything MVP has done wasn’t either heelish or idiotic.
Roode comes out and cuts a promo. Bully wants to fight but Roode doesn’t want to so Bully makes him fight. They have a good brawl, but it went FOREVER and no one tried to break it up. We saw refs break up the earlier EY vs. Joe brawl. Why aren’t they breaking this one up?
ABYSS & MAGNUS BACKSTAGE- Abyss is unhappy because Magnus tapped out and they lost the match. This is the same Abyss who has intentionally gotten DQed millions of times… and now all of a sudden he doesn’t like losing.
KNUX STUFF- Knux cannot fix the games from his family’s carnival which got ruined in some big flood. His father apparently won’t talk to him because he left the family business to be a wrestler/biker. His sister (I think?) is really hot but had terrible dialogue. I still can’t stop laughing at the fact that he comes from a family of carnival workers. Also, why is this airing? Knux is not now, nor has he ever been kayfabe employed by TNA. We is someone’s documentary about him going back to his family airing in weekly installments on TNA Impact Wrestling?
ANGELINA LOVE vs. MADISON RAYNE- 1/10
Apparently decided to change her clothes between now and her earlier segment. AFTER pointlessly arguing with Angelina, Velvet turns heel. I don’t care what anybody says. There is no way that Russo doesn’t have a hand in booking this. All of these stupid swerves are right out of his playbook.
EY & ODB BACKSTAGE- FANTASTIC! I think I’m actually going to be rooting for EY next week.
MVP & KENNY KING BACKSTAGE- good. Kenny King will be wrestling next week. YAY!
ERIC YOUNG vs. SAMOA JOE- 5/10
If Joe is going to have his ribs taped up, he should probably take his shirt off so we can see it. The goal of this match was to get EY over as an in-ring threat, and in order to do that, this needed to go at least fifteen minutes. EY didn’t even get a single nearfall in.
Earl Hebner came out to tell Brian Hebner that he thinks that Joe was down for a three count. Yeah. FROM ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK, Earl was able to determine that Brian made a mistake.
SAM SHAW & CHRISTY FROM AFTER LAST WEEK’S IMPACT- acting: great! Logic: BAD
Tenay introduced this video by telling us that the actions of Sam Shaw in this video earned him a one-week suspension. That suspension will end in about twenty minutes when this show ends. Why didn’t they show this to us earlier, when it was more relevant.
Anyway, Shaw corners Christy in the make-up room and cuts off a lock of her hair, sniffs it, then leaves. THAT earned him a suspension? We’ve seen people beat each other bloody without punishment! Why not just do that as a f*cking angle on this week’s show! It would make the whole scenario much less stupid.
Match announcements for next week: It will be EC III & Roode vs. Bully & Willow in a tables match. How the f*ck did EC III and Willow get into this?
Also, it will be Samuel Shaw vs. Mr. Anderson in a Straightjacket Match. I have no idea what a Straightjacket match is, but it sounds like these two will wrestle each other while wearing straightjackets, which sounds like it will be terrible.
I did like that they hyped the matches up, though.
NO DQ’S MATCH: James Storm vs. Gunner- 8/10
AWESOME! So awesome that having this play second-fiddle to the Blair Sh*t Project makes TNA just look stupid. I mean how dumb are they. A simple angle leading to a match that gets good time and has a clean finish. That’s all this feud is, and it is BY FAR the best thing in TNA. You’d think they would figure that out and try to do more angles this way, but no. We have to get crap like…
HUNT FOR WILLOW PART 4- horrible.
TNA sucks. This show makes no sense. Storm and Gunner are awesome, though.
