BRM Reviews the 1/6/2014 Raw
Posted: Jan 7th, '14, 02:11
We have old-school ring ropes, logo style, graphics, and referee attires for Old-School Raw. The ring announcers are also dressed in a garish, old-school fashion.
OPENING SEGMENT- Bad
Ric Flair comes out and spouts catchphrases. Orton comes out and says that he doesn’t understand why the Authority does things that the fans want. He says that he shouldn’t have to beat Cena at Royal Rumble because he already beat him at TLC.
Flair says that in his day, the champ had to wrestle against the best in the world seven days a week, and Randy doesn’t do that. Way to sh*t on all of the modern champions, Ric. Flair then says that he doesn’t think Orton is the man because Orotn is complaining about his rematch, and he won’t be sure that Orton is the man until he beats Cena again. This makes Randy unhappy so he calls Ric overrated and threatens violence if Flair doesn’t leave.
Flair talks about Evolution, then says that Randy is the man because he has the titles, contradicting what he said a few minutes ago. Then, out of nowhere, he questions Orton’s sexual virility. Orton responds by telling Flair that he will prove to Flair that he is a man by going “old school on your ass right now!,”… which, given Flair’s statement about question Orton’s… um… ability to perform… allows this statement to be interpreted in unfortunate ways.
They square up to fight but Cena comes out and says how dare Orton take his frustrations out on Flair. In Orton’s defense, Flair just did question his manhood, so a large part of the frustration in question seems to have been caused by Flair. Cena says he will fight Orton if Orton wants to fight, but Orton backs off. This was a completely pointless segment that only served as an excuse to get Flair on the show.
REY MYSTERIO & THE USOS vs. THE WYATT FAMILY (Luke Harper, Erick Rowan, & Daniel Bryan) (w/Bray Wyatt)- 5.25/10
Bryan is dressed in blue Erick Rowan-esque jumpsuit. We got some “Daniel Wyatt!” chants from the crowd. He seemed to be using a more aggressive style, but he really didn’t get enough time to show it off. He made a blind tag on Rowan which apparently offended Harper, who immediately tagged himself in on Dragon without Dragon’s consent. Harper then went for a move on an Uso but was rolled up for the pin. Not having Dragon get the win here was stupid. They could have done the same exact spot with Dragon, Harper, and Rowan and had Dragon get the win for his team and it still would have gotten whatever issue is between them over just as well.
The Wyatts get a bit of heat after the match and wind up standing tall in the ring. Again, why not just have them win?!
Batista has apparently been the first man entered into the Royal Rumble. It’s about time that they started announcing people for the rumble.
Apparently the ref in the Sandow vs. Khali match blew the call on the pin because Khali’s shoulder wasn’t down, so in an attempt to get more competent officiating, they are going to get a special guest referee. Why would a guest referee be MORE competent than a professional referee?
Anyway, the fans will get to vote for who the ref will be on the WWE App. The choices are Arn Anderson, Sgt. Slaughter, and Bob Backlund. You know what? I take it back. I believe that Bob Backlund would actually be a more competent ref than just about anyone on the planet.
KANE AND MADDOX BACKSTAGE-
Kane confronts Maddox over Maddox badmouthing him to Hunter and Steph last week. Maddox tries to goad Kane into threatening violence against him, but Kane says that he won’t do that because “threatening a fellow executive with violence would be grounds for my dismissal, according to page 23 of the WWE Human Resources Policy Handbook.”
Kane says that if Maddox does provoke him into attacking him, he will make sure that he beats Maddox up so badly that he is never seen again. On the other hand, he says, if Maddox gets him fired via nefarious means like badmouthing him to Hunter & Steph, he become a wrestler again, and then will be able to beat Maddox up so badly that he is never seen again.
A few things here:
1. Why is it okay for wrestlers to threaten violence against execs (and even carry out vilent acts against execs) but not for execs to threaten violence against each other?
2. I would LOVE to get my hands on a kayfabe copy of the WWE Human Resources Policy Handbook, just to see what it says about wrestlers attacking each other backstage, theft of property, making racial slurs, sexual harassment, and all of the other things that have gone on in pro wrestling over the years.
BIG E. LANGSTON WALKS DOWN A HALLWAY-
It just so happens that in this hallway, Nikolai Volkoff is just randomly singing the Russian national anthem. Out loud. Big E. just shakes his head and laughs at this.
Also in this hallway, Ted Dibiase is holding the Million Dollar Title and talking to Aksana. He tells Big E. that everyone has a price. Big E. shakes his head and laughs at this, too. IRS is also in this hallway and tells Big E. “don’t forget to pay your taxes.” Big E. just shakes his head and laughs at this, too. This was just a weird segment. It felt more like Big E. was walking down a hallway in an interactive museum while animatronics of these guy spouted their catchphrases. If you are going to have these guys on the show, make it worthwhile.
CURTIS AXEL vs. BIG E. LANGSTON- 0.5/10
Ryback is on commentary for this match. He starts off by saying “I’m sorry. My voice is a little hoarse. I’ve been hanging out with Lillian Garcia. I laughed at that. He was actually lots of fun on commentary.
As Cole pointed out on commentary, Big E. beat Axel clean a few days ago on Smackdown… so why is this match even happening?
And… Big E. wins this match cleanly, too. Even with a distraction from Ryback. A pointlessly short match. They seemed to be hinting at Ryback vs. Big E. at some point in the future, though.
PIPER’S PIT WITH THE SHIELD-
Ambrose makes fun of Piper. Rollins laughs, but Reigns doesn’t. Not sure if that is supposed to be an indication of Reigns’ babyface turn or just something in-character for both guys. Piper makes fun of Ambrose right back, and once again Rollins laughs but Reigns doesn’t. Piper says that the only guy who can match him on the mic is Punk. Ambrose gets upset. Rollins holds him back, then tells Piper that the Shield is smart to his stirring the pot shtick and won’t fall for it. Rollins suggests that Piper is jealous because Ambrose is a better US Champion than he was.
Piper then goes into CLASSIC Piper sh*t-stirring mode. He points out that neither Rollins nor Ambrose beat Punk one-on-one. Then he asks Reigns “if you beat Punk one-on-one tonight, doesn’t that make you better than them?” Now THAT is an effective use of a legend!
Reigns tells Piper that he will beat Punk tonight, but also tells him “if you ever touch me again, I will break your old ass in half. Even though he is threatening an old man, he still came off sounding awesome. The Shield threaten to beat Piper down, but Punk comes out to make the save… accompanied by… of all people, the New Age Outlaws. Hooray for totally random alliances on Old-School Raw!
ALBERTO DEL RIO vs. SIN CARA- 3/10
Another short match. After the match Del Rio vows to not only win the Royal Rumble but also eliminate Batista.
DRAGON & THE WYATTS BACKSTAGE- Dragon says he can teach them as well as learn and wants to team with one of them next week. Bray says Dragon will be teaming with him next week.
I saw an ad for a house this Sunday that will feature Dragon vs. Bray Wyatt in a steel cage. Yeah… I’m guessing that one won’t be happening.
CODY RHODES & GOLDUST vs. THE REAL AMERICANS (w/Zeb Coulter)- 6.5/10
Good match. No Dusty for Old-School Raw? Or even Booker T?
BOOKER T & DDP BACKSTAGE- a shameless plug
DDP plugs DDP Yoga a lot. Now we know why he agreed to be on the show. Booker T tried to do some Yoga but failed. Ron Simmons walked up and was about to “Damn!” but Booker cut him off by nervously saying “oh. Hey, Ron!” That me laugh. Ron recovered from this shock and then said “Damn!”
SINGLES MATCH WITH SGT. SLAUGHTER AS SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE: Damien Sandow vs. The Great Khali (w/Ranjit Singh)- DUD!
Another short match. Sarge made the count despite Sandow’s leg being on the rope. Wasn’t the entire purpose of this match to have a ref who WOULDN’T blow the call?
Sandow gets angry Sarge and shoves him so Sarge puts him in the Cobra Clutch. Sarge then dances with Khali and Ranjit. That was hilarious.
PAUL HEYMAN BROCK LESNAR PROMO- Good.
“Eat. Sleep. Conquer. Repeat.” Actually is a t-shirt now. Totally awesome. Then the injured Mark Henry comes out to fight Brock, but Brock breaks his arm with the Kimura. Then, as Brock was walking to the back, Big Show came out, and Brock actually retreated to the ring and challenged Show to fight. Show got in the ring, but then Brock ran away. BOOO!
Heyman distracted Show and Brock tried to use the distraction to attack Show, but Show got the better of Brock. An awesome segment! I know their matches in the past haven’t been very good, but I REALLY want to see these two face off again at the Royal Rumble!
THE BELLA TWINS vs. ALICIA FOX &N AKSANA- 3.5/10
The Bellas are not wearing identical gear! WTF?! Alicia Fox’s gear appears to be a poor approximation of a sexy sailor’s outfit. The match was short but good. I also liked the finish, which saw Brie get pinned after missing a missle dropkick.
3MB vs. TOO COOL & RIKISHI- no rating. Fun segment.
THE WORM!
GODFATHER APPEARANCE- boooo! Instead of hot chicks, he brought all of the WWE legends/old-timers with him instead. Then Bad News Barrett showed up and was a douche.
For some reason, right after this legends segment, we got an in-ring segment with Howard Finkel and the New Age Outlaws.
Oh. Okay. They’ are introducing Punk.
ROMAN REIGNS (w/the Shield) vs. CM PUNK (w/the New Age Outlaws)- 7/10
Reigns gets the win, but with a slight bit of help from Ambrose. GREAT finish.
HOLY SH*T JAKE ROBERTS JUST SHOWED UP!
Punk and the Outlaws gets some revenge on the Shield and Ambrose eats an Airplane Spin into the GTS then gets Jake's snake shoved in his face.
A good episode of Raw.
OPENING SEGMENT- Bad
Ric Flair comes out and spouts catchphrases. Orton comes out and says that he doesn’t understand why the Authority does things that the fans want. He says that he shouldn’t have to beat Cena at Royal Rumble because he already beat him at TLC.
Flair says that in his day, the champ had to wrestle against the best in the world seven days a week, and Randy doesn’t do that. Way to sh*t on all of the modern champions, Ric. Flair then says that he doesn’t think Orton is the man because Orotn is complaining about his rematch, and he won’t be sure that Orton is the man until he beats Cena again. This makes Randy unhappy so he calls Ric overrated and threatens violence if Flair doesn’t leave.
Flair talks about Evolution, then says that Randy is the man because he has the titles, contradicting what he said a few minutes ago. Then, out of nowhere, he questions Orton’s sexual virility. Orton responds by telling Flair that he will prove to Flair that he is a man by going “old school on your ass right now!,”… which, given Flair’s statement about question Orton’s… um… ability to perform… allows this statement to be interpreted in unfortunate ways.
They square up to fight but Cena comes out and says how dare Orton take his frustrations out on Flair. In Orton’s defense, Flair just did question his manhood, so a large part of the frustration in question seems to have been caused by Flair. Cena says he will fight Orton if Orton wants to fight, but Orton backs off. This was a completely pointless segment that only served as an excuse to get Flair on the show.
REY MYSTERIO & THE USOS vs. THE WYATT FAMILY (Luke Harper, Erick Rowan, & Daniel Bryan) (w/Bray Wyatt)- 5.25/10
Bryan is dressed in blue Erick Rowan-esque jumpsuit. We got some “Daniel Wyatt!” chants from the crowd. He seemed to be using a more aggressive style, but he really didn’t get enough time to show it off. He made a blind tag on Rowan which apparently offended Harper, who immediately tagged himself in on Dragon without Dragon’s consent. Harper then went for a move on an Uso but was rolled up for the pin. Not having Dragon get the win here was stupid. They could have done the same exact spot with Dragon, Harper, and Rowan and had Dragon get the win for his team and it still would have gotten whatever issue is between them over just as well.
The Wyatts get a bit of heat after the match and wind up standing tall in the ring. Again, why not just have them win?!
Batista has apparently been the first man entered into the Royal Rumble. It’s about time that they started announcing people for the rumble.
Apparently the ref in the Sandow vs. Khali match blew the call on the pin because Khali’s shoulder wasn’t down, so in an attempt to get more competent officiating, they are going to get a special guest referee. Why would a guest referee be MORE competent than a professional referee?
Anyway, the fans will get to vote for who the ref will be on the WWE App. The choices are Arn Anderson, Sgt. Slaughter, and Bob Backlund. You know what? I take it back. I believe that Bob Backlund would actually be a more competent ref than just about anyone on the planet.
KANE AND MADDOX BACKSTAGE-
Kane confronts Maddox over Maddox badmouthing him to Hunter and Steph last week. Maddox tries to goad Kane into threatening violence against him, but Kane says that he won’t do that because “threatening a fellow executive with violence would be grounds for my dismissal, according to page 23 of the WWE Human Resources Policy Handbook.”
Kane says that if Maddox does provoke him into attacking him, he will make sure that he beats Maddox up so badly that he is never seen again. On the other hand, he says, if Maddox gets him fired via nefarious means like badmouthing him to Hunter & Steph, he become a wrestler again, and then will be able to beat Maddox up so badly that he is never seen again.
A few things here:
1. Why is it okay for wrestlers to threaten violence against execs (and even carry out vilent acts against execs) but not for execs to threaten violence against each other?
2. I would LOVE to get my hands on a kayfabe copy of the WWE Human Resources Policy Handbook, just to see what it says about wrestlers attacking each other backstage, theft of property, making racial slurs, sexual harassment, and all of the other things that have gone on in pro wrestling over the years.
BIG E. LANGSTON WALKS DOWN A HALLWAY-
It just so happens that in this hallway, Nikolai Volkoff is just randomly singing the Russian national anthem. Out loud. Big E. just shakes his head and laughs at this.
Also in this hallway, Ted Dibiase is holding the Million Dollar Title and talking to Aksana. He tells Big E. that everyone has a price. Big E. shakes his head and laughs at this, too. IRS is also in this hallway and tells Big E. “don’t forget to pay your taxes.” Big E. just shakes his head and laughs at this, too. This was just a weird segment. It felt more like Big E. was walking down a hallway in an interactive museum while animatronics of these guy spouted their catchphrases. If you are going to have these guys on the show, make it worthwhile.
CURTIS AXEL vs. BIG E. LANGSTON- 0.5/10
Ryback is on commentary for this match. He starts off by saying “I’m sorry. My voice is a little hoarse. I’ve been hanging out with Lillian Garcia. I laughed at that. He was actually lots of fun on commentary.
As Cole pointed out on commentary, Big E. beat Axel clean a few days ago on Smackdown… so why is this match even happening?
And… Big E. wins this match cleanly, too. Even with a distraction from Ryback. A pointlessly short match. They seemed to be hinting at Ryback vs. Big E. at some point in the future, though.
PIPER’S PIT WITH THE SHIELD-
Ambrose makes fun of Piper. Rollins laughs, but Reigns doesn’t. Not sure if that is supposed to be an indication of Reigns’ babyface turn or just something in-character for both guys. Piper makes fun of Ambrose right back, and once again Rollins laughs but Reigns doesn’t. Piper says that the only guy who can match him on the mic is Punk. Ambrose gets upset. Rollins holds him back, then tells Piper that the Shield is smart to his stirring the pot shtick and won’t fall for it. Rollins suggests that Piper is jealous because Ambrose is a better US Champion than he was.
Piper then goes into CLASSIC Piper sh*t-stirring mode. He points out that neither Rollins nor Ambrose beat Punk one-on-one. Then he asks Reigns “if you beat Punk one-on-one tonight, doesn’t that make you better than them?” Now THAT is an effective use of a legend!
Reigns tells Piper that he will beat Punk tonight, but also tells him “if you ever touch me again, I will break your old ass in half. Even though he is threatening an old man, he still came off sounding awesome. The Shield threaten to beat Piper down, but Punk comes out to make the save… accompanied by… of all people, the New Age Outlaws. Hooray for totally random alliances on Old-School Raw!
ALBERTO DEL RIO vs. SIN CARA- 3/10
Another short match. After the match Del Rio vows to not only win the Royal Rumble but also eliminate Batista.
DRAGON & THE WYATTS BACKSTAGE- Dragon says he can teach them as well as learn and wants to team with one of them next week. Bray says Dragon will be teaming with him next week.
I saw an ad for a house this Sunday that will feature Dragon vs. Bray Wyatt in a steel cage. Yeah… I’m guessing that one won’t be happening.
CODY RHODES & GOLDUST vs. THE REAL AMERICANS (w/Zeb Coulter)- 6.5/10
Good match. No Dusty for Old-School Raw? Or even Booker T?
BOOKER T & DDP BACKSTAGE- a shameless plug
DDP plugs DDP Yoga a lot. Now we know why he agreed to be on the show. Booker T tried to do some Yoga but failed. Ron Simmons walked up and was about to “Damn!” but Booker cut him off by nervously saying “oh. Hey, Ron!” That me laugh. Ron recovered from this shock and then said “Damn!”
SINGLES MATCH WITH SGT. SLAUGHTER AS SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE: Damien Sandow vs. The Great Khali (w/Ranjit Singh)- DUD!
Another short match. Sarge made the count despite Sandow’s leg being on the rope. Wasn’t the entire purpose of this match to have a ref who WOULDN’T blow the call?
Sandow gets angry Sarge and shoves him so Sarge puts him in the Cobra Clutch. Sarge then dances with Khali and Ranjit. That was hilarious.
PAUL HEYMAN BROCK LESNAR PROMO- Good.
“Eat. Sleep. Conquer. Repeat.” Actually is a t-shirt now. Totally awesome. Then the injured Mark Henry comes out to fight Brock, but Brock breaks his arm with the Kimura. Then, as Brock was walking to the back, Big Show came out, and Brock actually retreated to the ring and challenged Show to fight. Show got in the ring, but then Brock ran away. BOOO!
Heyman distracted Show and Brock tried to use the distraction to attack Show, but Show got the better of Brock. An awesome segment! I know their matches in the past haven’t been very good, but I REALLY want to see these two face off again at the Royal Rumble!
THE BELLA TWINS vs. ALICIA FOX &N AKSANA- 3.5/10
The Bellas are not wearing identical gear! WTF?! Alicia Fox’s gear appears to be a poor approximation of a sexy sailor’s outfit. The match was short but good. I also liked the finish, which saw Brie get pinned after missing a missle dropkick.
3MB vs. TOO COOL & RIKISHI- no rating. Fun segment.
THE WORM!
GODFATHER APPEARANCE- boooo! Instead of hot chicks, he brought all of the WWE legends/old-timers with him instead. Then Bad News Barrett showed up and was a douche.
For some reason, right after this legends segment, we got an in-ring segment with Howard Finkel and the New Age Outlaws.
Oh. Okay. They’ are introducing Punk.
ROMAN REIGNS (w/the Shield) vs. CM PUNK (w/the New Age Outlaws)- 7/10
Reigns gets the win, but with a slight bit of help from Ambrose. GREAT finish.
HOLY SH*T JAKE ROBERTS JUST SHOWED UP!
Punk and the Outlaws gets some revenge on the Shield and Ambrose eats an Airplane Spin into the GTS then gets Jake's snake shoved in his face.
A good episode of Raw.
