BRM Reviews the 12/9/2013 Raw
Posted: Dec 10th, '13, 12:55
DANIEL BRYAN vs. FANDANGO (w/Summer Rae)- 6/10
Probably only a 5.75, wrestling-wise, but the hometown crowd was so into Dragon that I bumped it up.
BRYA WYATT PROMO- amazing!
NEW AGE OUTLAWS PRESENT THE SLAMMY FOR LOL MOMENT OF THE YEAR-
NAO are wearing Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee suits… which would be good except that Bad Influence just did this a few months ago. NAO were decently funny, but nothing close to what Bad Influence was in that Bobby Roode tribute segment.
The nominees for this award were:
1. Vickie Guerrero throwing a tantrum getting fired as GM of Raw
2. Titus O’neil puking in Zeb’s hat on the post-Thanksgiving Smackdown
3. This utterly hilarious spot from some random Santino & Khali vs. 3MB match where both Jinder & Khali were dressed as snake charmers trying to control the Cobra (here is an extended version of the clip) [youtube] [/youtube]
4. The Rock makes fun of Vickie Guerrero in a song
The winner was the Rock Concert, but that is such utter BS. That Santino thing was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. Of course, The Rock isn’t there to accept the award, so Vickie (who didn’t actually win the award, because the screen said that that nomination was for The Rock), walks up, takes the award, and says that this trophy of one man gorilla pressing another is symbolic of her beauty. This was dumb. Just give the award to Santino, who f*cking deserves it, and who will actually say something funny upon accepting it!
SANTINO MARELLA vs. DAMIEN SANDOW- 2/10
Big E. was on commentary for this match, and he and Sandow had a staredown after the match.
THE SHIELD PRESENT THE SLAMMY FOR DOUBLE-CROSS OF THE YEAR-
Ambrose interrupts Reigns for no reason. Hooray for totally destroying group cohesion in a completely out-of-character way just to get one guy in a group of three talented guys over.
The nominees are:
1. Mark Henry fakes retirement just to bodyslam John Cena
2. HBK hitting Dragon with Sweet Chin Music in Hell in a Cell
3. Heyman turns on Punk
4. Hunter attacks Dragon after he wins the title at Summer Slam
HOW THE HELL WAS SANDOW SHOVING CODY OFF OF THE LADDER NOT NOMINATED?!
The winner was HBK. This one was pretty obvious.
KOFI KINGSTON vs. THE MIZ- 3/10
Michael Cole claims that this has become a “pretty good rivalry.” Cole’s standards are apparently quite low. Miz wins via a handful of tights… which shouldn’t actually give you any extra leverage, so in reality, Miz pretty much won cleanly in the first match of this feud. Then Kofi attacks him after the match because he is a sore loser
EVE TORRES PRRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR DIVA OF THE YEAR- Remember that thing I said about Cole having low standards? Well he just called Eve “one of the greatest Divas Champions of all-time.” Eve’s hair is completely straight. She looks unrecognizable.
Eve starts off by saying “One thing is sure: whether you are on Team Total Divas or the AJ-led opposition…” at which point I screamed. Can we please stop making ABSOLUTELY EVERY LAST F*CKING THING ABOUT TOTAL DIVAS?! The show exists. WE GET IT! ENOUGH ALREADY!
The nominees are:
1. The Bella Twins
2. The Funkadactyls
3. Kaitlyn
4. Natalya
5. Eva Marie- yes. F*cking Eva Marie, who has probably had less than ten televised matches.
6. AJ Lee
Why are there six nominees for this Slammy but only four for almost all of the others? To push Total Divas, of course! In the little clip talking about each of the women (or pairs, in the case of the first two), for all of the Total Divas, they used the same sound bytes they always use in all of the Total Divas publicity. For AJ and Kaitlyn, they had clips of them WINNING THE DIVAS TITLE THIS YEAR!
And of course, the winners are the Bella Twins, who came back to the company three months into the year, and all they have done since is… you guessed it! Be on Total Divas. I guess that Divas Title that they have a match for in six days really isn’t that important, is it?
So why the Bella Twins and not, say, Natalya? To teach all of the impressionable young girls out there that what you can do is not as important as whose penis is inside of you.
Even more frustrating is, if you are going to kayfabe these things (and I have no doubt that this one and Superstar of the Year were worked), why not do it in a way that at least build your match at TLC. Give the award to Nattie and let her cut a short promo about how she is going to cap off this Slammy-winning year by winning the Divas Title from AJ at TLC. You still give the award to one of the Total Divas, but this way you are actually using it to build to a title match, not detract from one!
REY MYSTEIRO JR. THE BIG SHOE, & THE RHODES BROTHERS vs. AXEL-BACK & THE REAL AMERICANS (w/Zeb Coulter)- 5/10
Last week on Smackdown, Axel-Back beat the tag team champions clean in a non-title match… so tonight on Raw, Axel gets jobbed out to Rey. WHAT THE F*CK?!
HBK PRESENTS THE SALMMY FOR SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR- he suggests that we start calling this award the “HB-Shizzle.” The crowd boos because this was not funny. HBK Shizzle was funny once. That was it. It was good for a one-time laugh. It has run its course and HBK just should have left it dead.
The nominees are:
1. Brock Lesnar
2. CM Punk
3. The Big Show
4. Daniel Bryan
5. Randy Orton
6. John Cena
I’m pretty sure they added a at least one of these guys since Cole ran down the list earlier.
And the winner is… BRYAN F*CKING DANIELSON!
So Dragon, who is angry at HBK for screwing him out of the WWE Title… puts over the HB-Shizzle joke.
Anyway, this really seems to be a reaffirmation of management’s faith in Dragon.
SIN CARA vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO- 6.25/10
THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS PRESENT THE SLAMMY AWARD FOR FAN PARTICIPATION—
The nominees are:
1. Fandango (for Fandangoing)
2. Dragon (for the “YES!” chants)
3. Cena (for the LET’S GO CENA!/CENA SUCKS! exchanges)
4. R-Truth (for What’s up!)
Dragon wins again!
XAVIER WOODS (w/R-Truth) vs. BRODUS CLAY (w/Tensai & the Funkadactyls)-Brodus beats him in two moves. That seemed counter-productive. This should have gone at least five or six minutes. The aftermath was good though. Brodus keeps attacking Woods after the match and R-Truth and Tensai have to pull him off. Awesome selling by Woods, too.
THE MIZ PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR INSULT OF THE YEAR-
The nominees are:
1. AJ going off on the Total Divas
2. Various sets of comments from Zeb Coulter
3. Various insults from Heyman to Punk
4. Steph saying Big Show doesn’t have a soul
And the winner is… Steph insulting Big Show. That right there is utter BS. I will bet that most people had already forgotten Steph’s comments. No one who saw AJ’s tirade will ever forget it.
CM PUNK vs. DEAN AMBROSE (w/the Shield)- 7.25/10
Cole says that the Shield members usually go to the back for singles matches. That is just a blatant lie right there. Waldo was visible in the second row of the hardcam side, right near the moron with the sign that said “It’s not real, mom.”
So the super-ultra-unified unit of the Shield have just their second argument in ever… but apparently two arguments in a week is enough to get Rollins and Reigns to walk out on Ambrose. Ambrose doesn’t even seem to notice or care. He then gets beaten clean by Punk, just like on Smackdown. If someone had to lose, why not make it Rollins, who isn’t a champion at the moment?!
Reigns comes back and spears Punk after the match.
MICK FOLEY [RESENTS THE AWARD FOR EXTREME MOMENT OF THE YEAR
The Nominees are:
1. The Shield powerbomb Undertaker through a table
2. Ryback spinebusters Cena through the LED lights on the stage at Extreme Rules
3. Punk beats the sh*t out of Heyman with a Singapore Cane
4. The Wyatts crush Kane’s head with the ring steps at Summer Slam.
The winner is Punk who thanks the fans… then uses the award to PLUG HIS MATCH AT THE PAY-PER-VIEW
THE USOS vs. THE WYATT FAMILY (w/Bray Wyatt)- 4.75/10
BRET HART PRESENTS THE SLAMMY AWARD FOR MATCH OF THE YEAR
The nominees are:
1. Punk vs. Taker (Wresltemania XXIX)
2. Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs. Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns (Battleground)
3. Brock Lesnar vs. Triple H (Extreme Rules)
4. John Cena vs. The Rock (Wresltemania XXIX)
OH COME ON! What kind of BS choices are these? Do you want to know how many of these matches are in my top five WWE matches from 2013? ZERO! (for those wondering, Punk vs. Lesnar, Cena vs. Punk from Raw, Punk vs. Jericho from Payback, Dragon vs. Cena from Summer Slam, and Triple H vs. Lesnar from Mania)
Rock vs. Cena wins… of course. This list was pretty pitiful… and this wasn’t even the best match on this list.
NATALYA vs. TAMINA (w/AJ Lee)- 0.5/10
I feel like I have seen this match a million times in the past three months. Nattie gets her ass kicked, then only wins because Tamina was distracted because she accidentally bonked AJ with Nattie while going for a Samoan Drop, so Nattie doesn’t even look strong on the go-home show. Tamina’s attempt to block the Sharpshooter looked laughably pathetic.
“THE ASCENSION CEREMONY”-
I’m confused. No strobe lights? And why are all of these former world champions standing in the ring. Are Rick Victor and Connor O’Brian going to come out and squash them or something?
Seriously, though, I get the symbolism of hanging the belts up before the match and all that, but all that ran through my mind was... don't they need those for Smackdown? And even if they don't, you still have to just take them back down again because the PPV is in Houston?
Anyway, I really think they should have brought Sheamus in for this, too. Just to get him on TV for a second or two so that people don't completely forget about him.
Hunter kept trying to talk, but the crowd just kept shouting him down with "DANIEL BRYAN!" chants.
Orton cut an awesome promo here. The only thing I didn't like was that he didn't like was that he only talked about how he did beat/could have beaten the legends and left the active guys alone. I think it would have fit right in with this promo if he had said something about crushing Christian's dreams right after Christian won his first World Heavyweight Title or something like that.
Cena was also very good, though he spent his time putting Dragon over more than himself.
Then we got the brawl, which had a lot of exciting implications. Once Orton and Cena got pulled apart, Orton hit Punk so Punk started to hit Orton. Hunter threw Punk off of Orton... so Punk slugged Hunter! HBK saw this and gave Punk Sweet Chin Music... so Dragon gave HBK the charging flying knee. Orton tried to give Dragon an RKO, but Dragon shoved him off... and Orton bumped into Steph, who took a ref bump. Hunter went to check on Steph. Then Orton also came over to check on her and Hunter got mad and gave Orton a Pedigree.
Then the ring cleared of everyone else while Hunter, Kane, and Cena helped Steph up... and when Orton came to, he looked up and saw The Authority and John Cena standing there together.
AWESOME!
Overall, another BS-filled Slammy Awards... with an ending that you absolutely must see!
Probably only a 5.75, wrestling-wise, but the hometown crowd was so into Dragon that I bumped it up.
BRYA WYATT PROMO- amazing!
NEW AGE OUTLAWS PRESENT THE SLAMMY FOR LOL MOMENT OF THE YEAR-
NAO are wearing Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee suits… which would be good except that Bad Influence just did this a few months ago. NAO were decently funny, but nothing close to what Bad Influence was in that Bobby Roode tribute segment.
The nominees for this award were:
1. Vickie Guerrero throwing a tantrum getting fired as GM of Raw
2. Titus O’neil puking in Zeb’s hat on the post-Thanksgiving Smackdown
3. This utterly hilarious spot from some random Santino & Khali vs. 3MB match where both Jinder & Khali were dressed as snake charmers trying to control the Cobra (here is an extended version of the clip) [youtube] [/youtube]
4. The Rock makes fun of Vickie Guerrero in a song
The winner was the Rock Concert, but that is such utter BS. That Santino thing was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. Of course, The Rock isn’t there to accept the award, so Vickie (who didn’t actually win the award, because the screen said that that nomination was for The Rock), walks up, takes the award, and says that this trophy of one man gorilla pressing another is symbolic of her beauty. This was dumb. Just give the award to Santino, who f*cking deserves it, and who will actually say something funny upon accepting it!
SANTINO MARELLA vs. DAMIEN SANDOW- 2/10
Big E. was on commentary for this match, and he and Sandow had a staredown after the match.
THE SHIELD PRESENT THE SLAMMY FOR DOUBLE-CROSS OF THE YEAR-
Ambrose interrupts Reigns for no reason. Hooray for totally destroying group cohesion in a completely out-of-character way just to get one guy in a group of three talented guys over.
The nominees are:
1. Mark Henry fakes retirement just to bodyslam John Cena
2. HBK hitting Dragon with Sweet Chin Music in Hell in a Cell
3. Heyman turns on Punk
4. Hunter attacks Dragon after he wins the title at Summer Slam
HOW THE HELL WAS SANDOW SHOVING CODY OFF OF THE LADDER NOT NOMINATED?!
The winner was HBK. This one was pretty obvious.
KOFI KINGSTON vs. THE MIZ- 3/10
Michael Cole claims that this has become a “pretty good rivalry.” Cole’s standards are apparently quite low. Miz wins via a handful of tights… which shouldn’t actually give you any extra leverage, so in reality, Miz pretty much won cleanly in the first match of this feud. Then Kofi attacks him after the match because he is a sore loser
EVE TORRES PRRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR DIVA OF THE YEAR- Remember that thing I said about Cole having low standards? Well he just called Eve “one of the greatest Divas Champions of all-time.” Eve’s hair is completely straight. She looks unrecognizable.
Eve starts off by saying “One thing is sure: whether you are on Team Total Divas or the AJ-led opposition…” at which point I screamed. Can we please stop making ABSOLUTELY EVERY LAST F*CKING THING ABOUT TOTAL DIVAS?! The show exists. WE GET IT! ENOUGH ALREADY!
The nominees are:
1. The Bella Twins
2. The Funkadactyls
3. Kaitlyn
4. Natalya
5. Eva Marie- yes. F*cking Eva Marie, who has probably had less than ten televised matches.
6. AJ Lee
Why are there six nominees for this Slammy but only four for almost all of the others? To push Total Divas, of course! In the little clip talking about each of the women (or pairs, in the case of the first two), for all of the Total Divas, they used the same sound bytes they always use in all of the Total Divas publicity. For AJ and Kaitlyn, they had clips of them WINNING THE DIVAS TITLE THIS YEAR!
And of course, the winners are the Bella Twins, who came back to the company three months into the year, and all they have done since is… you guessed it! Be on Total Divas. I guess that Divas Title that they have a match for in six days really isn’t that important, is it?
So why the Bella Twins and not, say, Natalya? To teach all of the impressionable young girls out there that what you can do is not as important as whose penis is inside of you.
Even more frustrating is, if you are going to kayfabe these things (and I have no doubt that this one and Superstar of the Year were worked), why not do it in a way that at least build your match at TLC. Give the award to Nattie and let her cut a short promo about how she is going to cap off this Slammy-winning year by winning the Divas Title from AJ at TLC. You still give the award to one of the Total Divas, but this way you are actually using it to build to a title match, not detract from one!
REY MYSTEIRO JR. THE BIG SHOE, & THE RHODES BROTHERS vs. AXEL-BACK & THE REAL AMERICANS (w/Zeb Coulter)- 5/10
Last week on Smackdown, Axel-Back beat the tag team champions clean in a non-title match… so tonight on Raw, Axel gets jobbed out to Rey. WHAT THE F*CK?!
HBK PRESENTS THE SALMMY FOR SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR- he suggests that we start calling this award the “HB-Shizzle.” The crowd boos because this was not funny. HBK Shizzle was funny once. That was it. It was good for a one-time laugh. It has run its course and HBK just should have left it dead.
The nominees are:
1. Brock Lesnar
2. CM Punk
3. The Big Show
4. Daniel Bryan
5. Randy Orton
6. John Cena
I’m pretty sure they added a at least one of these guys since Cole ran down the list earlier.
And the winner is… BRYAN F*CKING DANIELSON!
So Dragon, who is angry at HBK for screwing him out of the WWE Title… puts over the HB-Shizzle joke.
Anyway, this really seems to be a reaffirmation of management’s faith in Dragon.
SIN CARA vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO- 6.25/10
THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS PRESENT THE SLAMMY AWARD FOR FAN PARTICIPATION—
The nominees are:
1. Fandango (for Fandangoing)
2. Dragon (for the “YES!” chants)
3. Cena (for the LET’S GO CENA!/CENA SUCKS! exchanges)
4. R-Truth (for What’s up!)
Dragon wins again!
XAVIER WOODS (w/R-Truth) vs. BRODUS CLAY (w/Tensai & the Funkadactyls)-Brodus beats him in two moves. That seemed counter-productive. This should have gone at least five or six minutes. The aftermath was good though. Brodus keeps attacking Woods after the match and R-Truth and Tensai have to pull him off. Awesome selling by Woods, too.
THE MIZ PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR INSULT OF THE YEAR-
The nominees are:
1. AJ going off on the Total Divas
2. Various sets of comments from Zeb Coulter
3. Various insults from Heyman to Punk
4. Steph saying Big Show doesn’t have a soul
And the winner is… Steph insulting Big Show. That right there is utter BS. I will bet that most people had already forgotten Steph’s comments. No one who saw AJ’s tirade will ever forget it.
CM PUNK vs. DEAN AMBROSE (w/the Shield)- 7.25/10
Cole says that the Shield members usually go to the back for singles matches. That is just a blatant lie right there. Waldo was visible in the second row of the hardcam side, right near the moron with the sign that said “It’s not real, mom.”
So the super-ultra-unified unit of the Shield have just their second argument in ever… but apparently two arguments in a week is enough to get Rollins and Reigns to walk out on Ambrose. Ambrose doesn’t even seem to notice or care. He then gets beaten clean by Punk, just like on Smackdown. If someone had to lose, why not make it Rollins, who isn’t a champion at the moment?!
Reigns comes back and spears Punk after the match.
MICK FOLEY [RESENTS THE AWARD FOR EXTREME MOMENT OF THE YEAR
The Nominees are:
1. The Shield powerbomb Undertaker through a table
2. Ryback spinebusters Cena through the LED lights on the stage at Extreme Rules
3. Punk beats the sh*t out of Heyman with a Singapore Cane
4. The Wyatts crush Kane’s head with the ring steps at Summer Slam.
The winner is Punk who thanks the fans… then uses the award to PLUG HIS MATCH AT THE PAY-PER-VIEW
THE USOS vs. THE WYATT FAMILY (w/Bray Wyatt)- 4.75/10
BRET HART PRESENTS THE SLAMMY AWARD FOR MATCH OF THE YEAR
The nominees are:
1. Punk vs. Taker (Wresltemania XXIX)
2. Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs. Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns (Battleground)
3. Brock Lesnar vs. Triple H (Extreme Rules)
4. John Cena vs. The Rock (Wresltemania XXIX)
OH COME ON! What kind of BS choices are these? Do you want to know how many of these matches are in my top five WWE matches from 2013? ZERO! (for those wondering, Punk vs. Lesnar, Cena vs. Punk from Raw, Punk vs. Jericho from Payback, Dragon vs. Cena from Summer Slam, and Triple H vs. Lesnar from Mania)
Rock vs. Cena wins… of course. This list was pretty pitiful… and this wasn’t even the best match on this list.
NATALYA vs. TAMINA (w/AJ Lee)- 0.5/10
I feel like I have seen this match a million times in the past three months. Nattie gets her ass kicked, then only wins because Tamina was distracted because she accidentally bonked AJ with Nattie while going for a Samoan Drop, so Nattie doesn’t even look strong on the go-home show. Tamina’s attempt to block the Sharpshooter looked laughably pathetic.
“THE ASCENSION CEREMONY”-
I’m confused. No strobe lights? And why are all of these former world champions standing in the ring. Are Rick Victor and Connor O’Brian going to come out and squash them or something?
Seriously, though, I get the symbolism of hanging the belts up before the match and all that, but all that ran through my mind was... don't they need those for Smackdown? And even if they don't, you still have to just take them back down again because the PPV is in Houston?
Anyway, I really think they should have brought Sheamus in for this, too. Just to get him on TV for a second or two so that people don't completely forget about him.
Hunter kept trying to talk, but the crowd just kept shouting him down with "DANIEL BRYAN!" chants.
Orton cut an awesome promo here. The only thing I didn't like was that he didn't like was that he only talked about how he did beat/could have beaten the legends and left the active guys alone. I think it would have fit right in with this promo if he had said something about crushing Christian's dreams right after Christian won his first World Heavyweight Title or something like that.
Cena was also very good, though he spent his time putting Dragon over more than himself.
Then we got the brawl, which had a lot of exciting implications. Once Orton and Cena got pulled apart, Orton hit Punk so Punk started to hit Orton. Hunter threw Punk off of Orton... so Punk slugged Hunter! HBK saw this and gave Punk Sweet Chin Music... so Dragon gave HBK the charging flying knee. Orton tried to give Dragon an RKO, but Dragon shoved him off... and Orton bumped into Steph, who took a ref bump. Hunter went to check on Steph. Then Orton also came over to check on her and Hunter got mad and gave Orton a Pedigree.
Then the ring cleared of everyone else while Hunter, Kane, and Cena helped Steph up... and when Orton came to, he looked up and saw The Authority and John Cena standing there together.
AWESOME!
Overall, another BS-filled Slammy Awards... with an ending that you absolutely must see!