BRM Reviews the 12/13/2012 Impact
Posted: Dec 14th, '12, 06:15
OPENING SEGMENT- eh. It really feels like they keep recycling things here. This is about the eighth time they have a tried to sell us on the mystery of who Aces & Eights are working for at the moment. Then, to end the segment, we get the usual ridiculousness of a whole herd of Aces & Eights guys running away from just two people.
VELVET SKY PROMO- Velvet says some generic stuff, then she scares me by saying that she has pigeons cooped up inside of her that she wants to let loose. This means that either a) Velvet is bragging about the fact that she really needs to use a female hygienic product right about now, or b) Velvet has man-parts.
MICKIE JAMES VIDEO PACKAGE- Mickie came off really, really whiny in the beginning here. Yeah, you lost a title match, Mickie, but you don’t have to try about it. Tara cheated. Being pissed is good, crying is bad.
MADISON RAYNE vs. VELVET SKY- 2/10
Since her earlier comment about possibly having a penis, Velvet has gotten a lot less attractive all of a sudden.
KURT ANGLE WITH WES & GARRETT BACKSTAGE- HELL YES! I completely and totally marked out for Kurt plugging Five Hour Energy again. The only way this could have been more awesome would be if Bully Ray walked in and tried to push some Stacker 2 on them!
Anyway, TNA is actually doing a good job with this mentorship angle (aren’t I clever?) with Kurt, Wes, and Garrett. Compare this what WWE has tried to push on us with Rey & Sin Cara or what TNA did earlier this year with Devon and Garrett.
DANIELS & KAZ PROMO- good.
THE ROBBIES vs. WES BRISCOE & GARRETT BISCHOFF (w/Kurt Angle)- a good, short little match that did it’s job well. I also really liked the drive-by on Kurt here. It is different from the usual Aces & Eights attack, and it builds up Kurt’s title match next week.
BROOKE & TARA BACKSTAGE-
Brooke makes fun of Tara by saying that she does autograph signings at grocery stores. Wasn’t Brooke originally kayfabe brought in to use her connections to get the Knockouts better gigs? So wouldn’t the fact that the champ is going autograph signings at grocery stores just mean that Brooke herself in incompetent?
Anyway, the other news coming out of this segment is that Jessie Godderz will be facing Bully Ray tonight. Bubba is probably going to stiff the sh*t out of this loser, so that should be entertaining.
KENNY KING PROMO- GREAT!
JAMES STORM & JEFF HARDY vs. ACES & EIGHTS- 6.25/10
Jeff played a great babyface in peril. I really didn’t like Storm tagging Jeff back in less than a minute after the hot tag, and I didn’t like them chumping out Devon. Otherwise this was good.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Devon says that Austin Aries was the one who paid off Aces & Eights to jump Roode and Hardy at Final Resolution. How the hell does Austin Aries have more money than kayfabe zillionaire Bobby Roode? Even if Aries beat this one-time offer, doing this has cost Aces & Eights the extremely rich Bobby Roode as a potential client. That is just shortsighted. The only good thing about this was Bobby Roode’s reaction: “Austin Aries paid off Aces & Eights! WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?!”
Freakin’ priceless!
AJ STYLES PROMO- GREAT… although the fans really seemed to miss the point, as they kept cheering throughout.
AJ & DIXIE IN THE PARKING LOT- GREAT!
KAZ & DANIELS BACKSTAGE- great!
KENNY KING vs. ROB VAN DAM- 5.75/10
HULK HOGAN & BULLY RAY SEGMENT- was Hogan not paying attention at Final Resolution at all? This whole segment really felt like ridiculously forced conflict. Bully Ray was great, but Hulk might as well have been saying “I AM A STEREOTYPICAL ANGRY FATHER FROM A SITCOM, BROTHER!”
Wait… of all the matches on tonight’s show- Aces & Eights vs. Storm & Hardy, Velvet’s return to the ring, Kenny King vs. Rob Van Dam… TNA decides that tonight’s main event should be the match that involves JESSIE GODDERZ.
BULLY RAY vs. JESSIE GODDERZ (w/Tara)- 4.25/10
Not even close to main event quality. Which idiot decided that this should be the main event?
CLOSING SEGMENT- Aries was freakin’ AWESOME here, although him turning down the title shot didn't really make too much sense.
Overall, not a good episode of Impact.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay “You wouldn’t think that this big guy from Wales in the UK would be able to tag team with this guy from the Jersey Shore.”
Right. Because people from different places cannot ever get along. You know what would be even more ridiculous than a guy from Wales and a guy from the Jersey Shore forming a tag team? A British man teaming with a guy from Samoa! Or how about an evil preacher from California and an athlete from Canada? Or you know what would be even more ridiculous than that? A rich Canadian guy and a Cowboy from Tennessee! That combination would never work!
Oh, and I love how Tenay has to qualify Terry’s home nation as being “Wales in the UK.” As opposed to what? Was he confused that people might think he meant Terry was from “whales in the Atlantic Ocean?”
VELVET SKY PROMO- Velvet says some generic stuff, then she scares me by saying that she has pigeons cooped up inside of her that she wants to let loose. This means that either a) Velvet is bragging about the fact that she really needs to use a female hygienic product right about now, or b) Velvet has man-parts.
MICKIE JAMES VIDEO PACKAGE- Mickie came off really, really whiny in the beginning here. Yeah, you lost a title match, Mickie, but you don’t have to try about it. Tara cheated. Being pissed is good, crying is bad.
MADISON RAYNE vs. VELVET SKY- 2/10
Since her earlier comment about possibly having a penis, Velvet has gotten a lot less attractive all of a sudden.
KURT ANGLE WITH WES & GARRETT BACKSTAGE- HELL YES! I completely and totally marked out for Kurt plugging Five Hour Energy again. The only way this could have been more awesome would be if Bully Ray walked in and tried to push some Stacker 2 on them!
Anyway, TNA is actually doing a good job with this mentorship angle (aren’t I clever?) with Kurt, Wes, and Garrett. Compare this what WWE has tried to push on us with Rey & Sin Cara or what TNA did earlier this year with Devon and Garrett.
DANIELS & KAZ PROMO- good.
THE ROBBIES vs. WES BRISCOE & GARRETT BISCHOFF (w/Kurt Angle)- a good, short little match that did it’s job well. I also really liked the drive-by on Kurt here. It is different from the usual Aces & Eights attack, and it builds up Kurt’s title match next week.
BROOKE & TARA BACKSTAGE-
Brooke makes fun of Tara by saying that she does autograph signings at grocery stores. Wasn’t Brooke originally kayfabe brought in to use her connections to get the Knockouts better gigs? So wouldn’t the fact that the champ is going autograph signings at grocery stores just mean that Brooke herself in incompetent?
Anyway, the other news coming out of this segment is that Jessie Godderz will be facing Bully Ray tonight. Bubba is probably going to stiff the sh*t out of this loser, so that should be entertaining.
KENNY KING PROMO- GREAT!
JAMES STORM & JEFF HARDY vs. ACES & EIGHTS- 6.25/10
Jeff played a great babyface in peril. I really didn’t like Storm tagging Jeff back in less than a minute after the hot tag, and I didn’t like them chumping out Devon. Otherwise this was good.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Devon says that Austin Aries was the one who paid off Aces & Eights to jump Roode and Hardy at Final Resolution. How the hell does Austin Aries have more money than kayfabe zillionaire Bobby Roode? Even if Aries beat this one-time offer, doing this has cost Aces & Eights the extremely rich Bobby Roode as a potential client. That is just shortsighted. The only good thing about this was Bobby Roode’s reaction: “Austin Aries paid off Aces & Eights! WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?!”
Freakin’ priceless!
AJ STYLES PROMO- GREAT… although the fans really seemed to miss the point, as they kept cheering throughout.
AJ & DIXIE IN THE PARKING LOT- GREAT!
KAZ & DANIELS BACKSTAGE- great!
KENNY KING vs. ROB VAN DAM- 5.75/10
HULK HOGAN & BULLY RAY SEGMENT- was Hogan not paying attention at Final Resolution at all? This whole segment really felt like ridiculously forced conflict. Bully Ray was great, but Hulk might as well have been saying “I AM A STEREOTYPICAL ANGRY FATHER FROM A SITCOM, BROTHER!”
Wait… of all the matches on tonight’s show- Aces & Eights vs. Storm & Hardy, Velvet’s return to the ring, Kenny King vs. Rob Van Dam… TNA decides that tonight’s main event should be the match that involves JESSIE GODDERZ.
BULLY RAY vs. JESSIE GODDERZ (w/Tara)- 4.25/10
Not even close to main event quality. Which idiot decided that this should be the main event?
CLOSING SEGMENT- Aries was freakin’ AWESOME here, although him turning down the title shot didn't really make too much sense.
Overall, not a good episode of Impact.
STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay “You wouldn’t think that this big guy from Wales in the UK would be able to tag team with this guy from the Jersey Shore.”
Right. Because people from different places cannot ever get along. You know what would be even more ridiculous than a guy from Wales and a guy from the Jersey Shore forming a tag team? A British man teaming with a guy from Samoa! Or how about an evil preacher from California and an athlete from Canada? Or you know what would be even more ridiculous than that? A rich Canadian guy and a Cowboy from Tennessee! That combination would never work!
Oh, and I love how Tenay has to qualify Terry’s home nation as being “Wales in the UK.” As opposed to what? Was he confused that people might think he meant Terry was from “whales in the Atlantic Ocean?”