BRM Reviews the 4/24/2017 Raw (terrible)

[Big Red Machine]

CHRIS JERICHO’S HIGHLIGHT REEL WITH SPECIAL GUEST… HIMSELF- so why couldn’t he just come out and cut a normal promo without this Highlight Reel silliness? He insults Kevin Owens in a completely juvenile manner until Miz and Maryse show up to be grown-ups. I popped huge for Miz’s burying Jericho’s stupid “it!” and responding to Jericho’s talking up of the Jericho-Tron 6,000 by simply saying “it’s a TV.”
Anyway, Miz demands that they get rid of the stuff for Jericho’s talk show and set his up instead, and the ring crew start to do just that, so I guess this means that Kurt okayed it. I guess Kurt is sick of Jericho, too.
Just as MizTV was starting, Dean Ambrose showed up to interrupt Miz and make fun of him because Dean is an obnoxious jerk. Dean says that Miz “can’t just come out here and take over somebody else’s talk show.” Really, Dean? Because Miz just did it, and if Raw GM Kurt Angle had a problem with it, he would have told the ring crew to stop or would have come out here himself and said so, so it seems to me like that is how this works.
Ambrose orders the ring crew to turn it into his stupid talk show now, and the ring crew once again listens. What is up with this? Either the ring crew is doing things with no approval from their boss or the guy Vince hired to make decisions on Raw is incapable of making a decision and sticking with it.
And yes, this is exactly what I was afraid was going to happen the moment Miz came out because I know how WWE thinks, and the sad truth is that WWE’s thought process when it comes to booking Raw is not about what would make for a good story or what will make the greatest amount of people want to see the PPV match; it’s about what they think people will find funny, and the idea of constantly changing from one talk show to a second and then into a third exactly the sort of thing WWE thinks is funny. Stupid comedy ensued between Ambrose and Jericho. The show is now ten minutes old and I am already completely sick of it. I WANT WRESTLING.
Miz interrupts their stupidity to try to actually push his feud with Ambrose. Dean once again assaults him for no reason and lays him out with his finisher. I sincerely hope that Miz is able to get his revenge at the PPV. Then Jericho starts insulting Miz and puts Maryse on the list for being married to The Miz. What a bunch of assholes. Maybe Miz will cost Jericho his match with Owens, too. Miz is quickly becoming the biggest babyface on this show.

MATT HARDY (w/Jeff Hardy) vs. SHEAMUS (w/Cesaro)- 6.25/10
Even JOJO jumped up in excitement when that Hardy’s music hit.
Corey Graves said he thought tonight’s match was a must-win for Sheamus because Cesaro lost last week and thus if Sheamus didn’t win here they would be going into the title match completely cold. Michael Cole asked Booker T if he agreed with Corey’s assessment, and Booker responded by saying that Sheamus is young and is a multiple time world champion, but he thinks Matt Hardy might have the edge in stamina. Was Booker paying any attention at all to anything either Graves or Cole said?
Anyway, they did the worst finish they possibly could, which was the Hardys winning yet again so Sheamus and Cesaro have no momentum, and not only that but it was Cesaro accidentally distracting Sheamus that caused the loss, so these two could go right back to arguing.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- wow. I was completely shocked that Sheamus and Cesaro didn’t turn heel and assault the Hardys here.

KURT ANGLE IS TALKING TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE- creativity fail.
He informs the person he is talking to that Kalisto will be facing Braun Strowman in the first Dumpster Match in the history of Monday Night Raw. This was SOOOO unnatural. Like… who the hell is Kurt talking to right now that would care enough to watch wrestling but doesn’t know about this yet?
Then it got even worse when Kurt said that was going to go talk to Kalisto one more time “to make sure he wants to go through with this.” YOU’VE BEEN ADVERTISING THIS MATCH FOR DAYS! You can’t just let someone back out of the match because they got cold feet at the last minute!
Then Kurt got hung up on.

KURT, MIZ, & MARYSE, BACKSTAGE- bad
Kurt is angry that Miz & Maryse walked in on him or something. People usually just walk in on the GMS all the time so why is Kurt so angry? It’s not like Miz was being rude in any way while Kurt was on the phone.
Anyway, Miz is angry about Ambrose screwing up MizTV earlier. Kurt responds by saying that he had no problem with it because he didn’t schedule that episode of MizTV… which means that the ring crew just went ahead and changed over from Jericho’s show to Miz’s- i.e. from a show Kurt did schedule to one that he didn’t- all of their own volition. Miz wants revenge so Kurt tells him to find a partner to face the Dean and Jericho tonight.

TJ PERKINS & NEVILLE vs. AUSTIN ARIES & JACK GALLAGHER- 4.5/10

DUMPSTER MATCH: Braun Strowman vs. Kalisto- 6/10
First things first: I always like it when they have a reason to bring back a rarely-used stipulation match, so I really liked the idea of this going in.
Um… I don’t think that dumpster is big enough for Braun to fit inside of it. Before the match Braun cut a promo trying to heel on the crowd, but as soon as he mentioned putting Roman Reigns in the dumpster everyone cheered him again.
Then we went backstage to Kurt asking Kalisto if he was sure he wanted to do this. Kalisto cut a passionate promo telling Kurt that he not only wants this match but HAS to have this match. Kalisto has new gear and his entrance music got an atrocious remix.
I thought they did as good of a job as they possibly could have given the limitations of a match like this. The finish is the sort of finish that I would usually say devalues the concept of the win and comes off like a cheap non-finish so that no one had to lose… but it somehow didn’t feel like that at all. Kalisto’s win felt real and Braun’s post-match assault felt like real anger at losing rather than just being booked to go over in the end even though he technically didn’t win. This was the hundredth time out of a hundred where this sort of thing actually works.
Anyway, Braun destroys Kalisto and puts him in the dumpster, then wheels the dumpster up to the stage. Officials and road agents try to stop him but they’re all too afraid of Braun to actually do anything. Braun locks Kalisto inside the dumpster… and then gets the bright idea to push him off. Major props are due to whoever had the idea to have Braun stare off to the side so it looked like pushing the dumpster off was an idea that just came to him. Otherwise it would have looked like he sealed Kalisto in to keep him safe before shoving him off the stage.

KALISTO GETS STRETCHERED OFF- fine.

ROMAN REIGNS VIDEO PACKAGE- meh.

BRAY WYATT PROMO AND/OR VIDEO PACKAGE- terrible. Bray says sh*t like “the deepest darkest depth of hell are waiting for you, Randy” and “the House of Horrors will be purgatory for your soul” while we cut back and forth between video of Bray cutting the promo, creepy scenes from abandoned dungeons and mental hospitals, and scenes of Bray’s house being set on fire. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. This is the worst feud between two major stars in the history of professional wrestling.

ALICIA FOX vs. DANA BROOKE- 0.25/10
It doesn’t look like anyone ever taught Dana how to act like a babyface. Emma came out to watch the match. The match was extremely short, but they tried to make the most of it. Dana won clean. Emma hugged her and then walked off. Dana looked disgusted. Then, once Emma left, she went back to her posing, which I think is her default state.

Corey Graves tells us that the House of Horrors match “will begin in the House of Horrors but then end up in the ring.” How does he know this? Isn’t the whole gimmick that “no one knows what a House of Horrors match is?”

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS SAMOA JOE, GALLOWS, & ANDERSON- Joe was great, Anderson was given atrocious wording to say. Gallows was given better. Then Joe talked again and was even better than before.
Apparently they’re facing Enzo, Cass, & Rollins tonight. This is the sort of match that should have been announced at the beginning of the show!

SETH ROLLINS, COLIN CASSADY, & ENZO AMORE vs. SAMOA JOE, LUKE GALLOWS, & KARL ANDERSON-
The heels jump Enzo & Cass during their entrance. Was Rollins not right at the Gorilla position or something? He showed up pretty late.
Anyway, Enzo is injured and can’t wrestle so instead we get…
SAMOA JOE, LUKE GALLOWS, & KARL ANDERSON vs. SETH ROLLINS, COLIN CASSADY, & FINN BALOR- 4.75/10
What the hell?! They only gave this match six minutes!

WOMEN’S TITLE SEGMENT- Alexa good, everyone else bad.
Alexa Bliss! comes out and cuts an awesome promo, completely owning the crowd and Bayley. Then Bayley comes out and actually says “I know you’re making fun of me” and Alexa has this wonderful smile on her face and slowly nods her head up and down and you could just see the thought-bubble above her head sarcastically saying, “Good for you, Bayley. You figured it out.”
Bayley then accused Alexa of “being the kind of girl to talk behind someone’s back instead of saying it to their face.” Um… Bayley? She came out and said it on an INTERNATIONALLY BROADCAST TV PROGRAM. That might not be to your face, but that’s certainly not “behind your back,” either.
The one-dimensionality of Bayley’s character really showed through here, as did the weakness in WWE’s branding verbiage. It would have been so much more natural for Bayley to say “woman” instead of “female Superstar™” but we can’t have that in WWE because branding. Do you think they realize that saying “Superstar” has not ever gotten them one single cent more than saying “wrestler” would have?
Alexa vows to beat Bayley down, take her title and humiliate her all in front of her own father at Payback. That was good. Then the whole “have you ever even kissed a boy?” part of the promo happened and it was terrible. Then Alexa said that at Payback she would “break that glass slipper” and end Bayley’s Cinderella title reign and things were back on track.
Then Sasha Banks came out and Alexa immediately buried their angle and both of them. Sasha cut a promo on Alexa in which she did Bayley’s talking for her. This made Bayley look pathetic. Sasha wants a match with Alexa right now. Alexa was fantastic here and made fun of Sasha because “unlike you, I actually have an important match on Sunday.” Then Alexa went to leave and Sasha attacked her for no reason, just like Dean did to Miz earlier. WWE has no idea how to book babyfaces.
Oh. Apparently this Sasha vs. Alexa match has already been scheduled. Again, like with the six-man tag there is no reason this couldn’t have been announced in advance. That would have made for a much more natural transition from talking segment to match and would have avoided having it feel like Bayley needed Sasha to come out and be tough for her.

ALEXA BLISS! vs. SASHA BANKS- no rating, bad segment.
Bayley was on commentary even though we just heard all three of her “pull the string on my back to hear me talk” action phrases in her segment with Alexa.
Cheating Sasha won’t even break in the ropes cleanly. What a meanie.
Alexa decides to walk out after escaping the Banks Statement. I’m not saying it doesn’t make sense (as Alexa made sure to say on her way up the ramp “I’m the #1 contender! I don’t need this!”) but that doesn’t mean it’s not still an annoying finish.
So Alexa heads to the back… but then Bayley grabs her from behind and tries to drag her back to the ring but Alexa escapes because Bayley is pathetic. Alexa runs to the back and Bayley gives chase, but gives up at the curtain because I guess she’s just lazy. Then Bayley turns around and begins to celebrate like she has actually accomplished something here… so when Alexa came back out and gave Bayley some of her own medicine by attacking her from behind, all I could do was laugh. Then Sasha came up and ramp and Alexa an away from her. At least Sasha was smart enough to look back over her should when it appeared that Alexa was gone, just to make sure she hadn’t come back.

AMBROSE & JERICHO BACKSTAGE- Ambrose makes a problem between him and Jericho for no reason whatsoever. Does he really give a sh*t if he’s on Jericho’s stupid list. I’m pretty sure I’ve already said this tonight but it bears repeating: Dean Ambrose is an obnoxious douchebag and I can’t wait to see The Miz kick his ass and take his title at the PPV.

During the Payback kick-off show we’re getting Enzo & Cass vs. Gallows & Anderson as well as MizTV with special guest Finn Balor. Because that’s what we want to see Balor do: have a talking segment with The Miz.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS THE STARS OF THE MARINE V- It’s Heath Slater and Curtis Axel. I swear this isn’t me making a joke.
Miz & Maryse also showed up and sat in two chairs that were placed right there even though Miz and Maryse weren’t supposed to be in this segment (or else it wouldn’t have started without them). Miz offers to let one of them be his tag team partner tonight. Slater says that he can’t do it because he already has a tag team partner (and Rhyno shows up eating crackers and Cheez Whiz like in that one segment they did seven months ago, because THAT is the piece of continuity WWE actually chooses to remember). Well so what? It’s just a wrestling match and Heath isn’t booked in one yet tonight so why can’t he team with Miz tonight if he wants to? It’s a tag team, not a romance. You don’t have to be monogamous.
Also, how stupid is Miz to ask Slater or Axel to be his partner when freakin’ RHYNO is standing right there?
They both reject Miz so Maryse completely buries them. Rhyno offers Maryse a cracker so Maryse slaps the plate. Then someone shows up and hands Miz a note and Miz says “it looks like I have an awesome tag team partner.” I guess Kurt decided to get off his ass and find someone for him.

CURT HAWKINS PROMO- he issues an open challenge which results in…

APOLLO CREWS vs. CURT HAWKINS- 0.5/10
Crews is now so low down on the totem pole that Curt Hawkins was allowed to get offense on him. After the match, Titus O’Neil showed up and was all buddy-buddy with Crews, trying to latch onto his spotlight. Crews looked very confused.

KALISTO INJURY UPDATE- “he has suffered hip and cervical trauma,” which my brain initially interpreted as trauma to his hip and his cervix.

BRAUN STROWMAN VS. ROMAN REIGNS VIDEO PACKAGE- I thought that having all of the hype dedicated to this non-title match was very odd and began to wonder what the Universal Title match at Payback was and I couldn’t think of one on the card so I tried to figure it out based on who the champion was and after a while I remember who the champion was. This is why we have the champion show up- or at least be mentioned in some way- on the show every week. I should never have to struggle to remember who the world champion is.

ARIES & KURT BACKSTAGE- Aries has a mystery idea and then gives Kurt a banana.

ANGLE & MIZ (& MARYSE) BACKSTAGE- Kurt doesn’t know who Miz’s partner is. Apparently it’s someone who volunteered to team with Miz. Also, The f*cking Drifter drifted through the background. Kurt thought he was Miz’s partner but Miz quickly disavowed Kurt of this notion.

DEAN AMBROSE & CHRIS JERICHO vs. ???? & THE MIZ (w/Maryse)-
Miz calls out his partner but no one shows up. Miz wants the match cancelled, which seems fair to me. Then KURT ANGLE COMES OUT… but he’s dressed in his suit. Dammit. Kurt says Miz has to have the match anyway. WHAT THE F*CK?!

HANDICAP MATCH: Chris Jericho & Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz (w/Maryse)- no rating, atrocious segment.
So poor Miz gets beaten up by two dudes because some asshole backstage pulled a rib on him. Miz finally had enough and decided to walk out (you know, the same thing Alexa Bliss! did forty minutes ago) but he got attacked by Ambrose. Surely Miz must have been counted out by this point.
Dean goes to put Miz through the announcers’ table but then Bray Wyatt magically substitutes himself for Miz. I was hoping someone would come and save Miz, but now I wish no one had because getting nothing is better than having to deal with Bray Wyatt. Bray did this for… his own mysterious reasons, which is the same reason he does everything, except that said reasons are never, ever explained, which is part of what makes him such a terrible character.
Brawling happens. Dean eats Sister Abigail into the LED set-up on the stage. Jericho lays Miz out with a Codebreaker but then eats Sister Abigail. Then Bray hits Miz with Sister Abigail as well and Bray’s magic ends the show. No official result of any sort was ever announced. F*ck this show and f*ck this company. Everything on this show that wasn’t Alexa Bliss! talking, the Dumpster Match, or the opener was G-d awful. These idiots have NO F*CKING IDEA HOW TO BOOK A BABYFACE. This show hit all of the beats for a go-home show, but, aside from the tag title match and Roman vs. Strowman match it was never close to hitting those beats in the right way.

[KILLdozer]

Whatever happened to Bray Wyatt saying "Finn Balor...You better watch out man..."

I suppose that idiot was just being a general good fellow, because everyone in WWE should watch out man, what with backstage attacks and everything else.

[cero2k]

Seth Rollins stole the move of a guy that stole a move and made a modification to it. WWEAK!

and it doesn't even look devastating like Omega's

[cero2k]

even the video game looks better!
https://streamable.com/xvrqi

[cero2k]

conspiracy time:

week 1, Balor takes out Jericho to get that tag match with Rollins.
week 2, Balor gets his former Club to take out Enzo and get that tag match with Rollins.

Balor is getting closer to Rollins before he kills him

[Big Red Machine]

conspiracy time:

week 1, Balor takes out Jericho to get that tag match with Rollins.
week 2, Balor gets his former Club to take out Enzo and get that tag match with Rollins.

Balor is getting closer to Rollins before he kills him

Except Balor didn't take out Jericho. Joe and Owens did. On-screen.

It's a good angle, it just doesn't fit here.

[KILLdozer]

I just wanna see Strowman throw Bray Wyatt into something and shove him off of a higher something...

[KILLdozer]

Someone on FB said Bray Wyatt is basically near the grounds of turning into a part timer because he keeps showing up to RAW and three weeks now he just talks his crazy crap instead of actually, you Know, wrestling.

[Big Red Machine]

Someone on FB said Bray Wyatt is basically near the grounds of turning into a part timer because he keeps showing up to RAW and three weeks now he just talks his crazy crap instead of actually, you Know, wrestling.

I wish he'd take Brock's schedule and just not show up.

[KILLdozer]

Someone on FB said Bray Wyatt is basically near the grounds of turning into a part timer because he keeps showing up to RAW and three weeks now he just talks his crazy crap instead of actually, you Know, wrestling.

I wish he'd take Brock's schedule and just not show up.

Good thinking. Maybe he'd get fired for doing so as well!

Was he actually even hinted at as the partner or no?

[Big Red Machine]

Someone on FB said Bray Wyatt is basically near the grounds of turning into a part timer because he keeps showing up to RAW and three weeks now he just talks his crazy crap instead of actually, you Know, wrestling.

I wish he'd take Brock's schedule and just not show up.

Good thinking. Maybe he'd get fired for doing so as well!

Was he actually even hinted at as the partner or no?

Nope. There were no hints at all. It's entirely possible that he isn't even the guy who sent Miz the note. He might have just come out for sh*ts and giggles.

[KILLdozer]

I wish he'd take Brock's schedule and just not show up.

Good thinking. Maybe he'd get fired for doing so as well!

Was he actually even hinted at as the partner or no?

Nope. There were no hints at all. It's entirely possible that he isn't even the guy who sent Miz the note. He might have just come out for sh*ts and giggles.

Probably. Just to do his usual hooliganism. I stopped giving a crap when he arrived. I half thought that Miz was his own partner-"Awesome, Flair for the dramatic". , But it certainly didn't seem that way.

I guess we'll get word next week about it. Kind of strange that they pull something like that though.

[KILLdozer]

Oh, I know you and Cero saw the meme I dropped onto your FB wall btw lol.

[cero2k]

Oh, I know you and Cero saw the meme I dropped onto your FB wall btw lol.

haha we did. I actually feel that way about the whole Wyatt family, sure Braun right now is doing good, but the rest, unless they're together, they're all really irrelevant without the others

[KILLdozer]

Oh, I know you and Cero saw the meme I dropped onto your FB wall btw lol.

haha we did. I actually feel that way about the whole Wyatt family, sure Braun right now is doing good, but the rest, unless they're together, they're all really irrelevant without the others

Pretty much. Harper wasn't doing so bad, but I feel it's only a matter of time before he ends up back with Rowan​.

Harper has loads of potential. Promo wise I'm not sure, but that can always be fixed. Rowan? IDK about him.

[cero2k]

Dozer, did you watch the Hulu RAW this week? Did they show Balor/Rollins/Cass vs Club/Joe?

[XIV]

Oh, I know you and Cero saw the meme I dropped onto your FB wall btw lol.

haha we did. I actually feel that way about the whole Wyatt family, sure Braun right now is doing good, but the rest, unless they're together, they're all really irrelevant without the others

Pretty much. Harper wasn't doing so bad, but I feel it's only a matter of time before he ends up back with Rowan​.

Harper has loads of potential. Promo wise I'm not sure, but that can always be fixed. Rowan? IDK about him.

I almost feel like Luke Harper is just a mouthpiece away from pure brilliance.

Ellering or similar would be a great choice.

[KILLdozer]

Oh sure. If someone could match on the microphone what a man his size can do in the ring.... absolutely.

[KILLdozer]

Somewhat off topic, but speaking of managers... I've read a rumor about Heyman joining up with Asuka when she arrives on the main roster.

[XIV]

Somewhat off topic, but speaking of managers... I've read a rumor about Heyman joining up with Asuka when she arrives on the main roster.

That would be different, but whilst he's managing Brock I don't think he'll manage anyone else.

But if Brock were to go away for an extended period and Asuka still had her streak, Heyman would be the perfect guy to push her especially into her first title reign on the main roster.