BRM Reviews WWE Fastlane 2017 (pulling my hair out)

[Big Red Machine]

WWE Fastlane 2017 (3/5/2017)- Milwaukee, WI

PRE-SHOW:
Even though she is on Smackdown, Renee Young is hosting the kick-off show panel for this Raw PPV. Meanwhile, Charly Caruso has replaced Tom Phillips in the social media lounge. Because he either doesn’t read the internet or is just a huge dick, Booker T specifically points out that this is Tom Philips' usual job but he isn’t doing it anymore. Charly merely says that Tom has agreed to “hand off the reigns” to her for now, likely so he can free his hands up to grab the back of someone’s head.

RICH SWANN & AKIRA TOWAZA vs. BRIAN KENDRICK & NOAM DAR (w/Alicia Fox)- 6.25/10
Good match, but I’m not sure what it accomplishes here to have the babyfaces win and Tozawa lay out Kendrick. Maybe if Tozawa had gotten the pin you could say that he has proven that he doesn’t need Kendrick’s mentorship or something like that, but Swann got the pin so that’s not the case.

MAIN SHOW:
SAMOA JOE vs. SAMI ZAYN- 7/10
Sami’s a great babyface, Joe is a mean heel. They will almost always have great matches together.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS BAYLEY- good promo.
Bayley challenges Charlotte to leave Dana in the locker room so they can have a one-on-one match. Nia Jax then showed up and said she was going to destroy Sasha tonight and then take the title from Bayley.

WWE RAW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson(c) vs. Colin Cassady & Enzo Amore- 5.75/10
Not much to say here. Enzo was the babyface in peril. He and Cass got a few good false finishes in before losing. Enzo had his foot on the rope very briefly but Gallows knocked it off so the referee didn’t see.

FOLEY & STEPH SEGMENT- apparently Steph not being here is going to be important. She wants there to be no “hitches” in either big singles title matches. She says that she will stay on the phone for the whole show. Oh goody. More of these. Shoot me now.

SASHA BANKS vs. NIA JAX- 6.5/10
This wasn’t a carry-job by Sasha. Nia definitely held her own here. The story of the match was Nia working over Sasha’s back, and they kept on target the whole time. Sasha eventually picked up the win with a roll-up to protect Nia a bit.

JINDER MAHAL vs. RUSEV (w/Lana)- no rating.
They set this up via pre-show segment, because it’s not like they had six weeks of TV in which they could have set this up. Hopefully this leads to the long-awaited Rusev babyface turn. Wait… no. Never mind. We’re getting a much less interesting match with Jinder facing one half of Cesarmus instead. BOO!

CESARO (w/Sheamus) vs. JINDER MAHAL- 5.5/10
This wasn’t bad or anything, but all of a sudden we had a Raw match in the middle of a PPV in which a it took Cesaro forever plus a distraction in order to beat a glorified jobber. Rusev beat Jinder up after the match. Then the guy he is apparently facing tonight came out and we got…

BIG SHOW vs. RUSEV (w/Lana)- 2/10
Cole is trying to convince us that winning this match is crucial if one of these men want to get booked at WrestleMania, as if they don’t have the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale that only seems to exist to ensure that everyone does get to be on the show no matter what.
Big Show pretty much destroyed Big Show, hitting him three chokeslams and then hitting the WMD. He came off like a heel imposing his will on a clearly beaten opponent simply because he could.

KEVIN OWENS PROMO- awesome.

AUSTIN ARIES’ “BEAUTIFUL [VIDEO] PACKAGE”- they do realize that this is a f*cking PPV, right?

WWE CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Neville(c) vs. Jack Gallagher- 8/10
This was one hell of a match. Gallagher shows his ability to not be a clown, and Neville really turned it up a notch.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS PAUL HEYMAN- we get a tease that Brock will be here tonight. Heyman’s promo was good.

NEW DAY SHOW UP WITH ICE CREAM- that’s all that happened. They showed up with an ice cream cart, and then told us they would be the hosts of WrestleMania, which we already knew. They wasted five whole minutes of time ON A PPV with this sh*t. F*ck this company.

ROMAN REIGNS vs. BRAUN STROWMAN- 7.25/10
Really good big man vs. smaller man fight. Poor Strowman looked legitimately nervous up there on the top rope.

FOLEY & JOE BACKSTAGE- Foley warns Joe to not get involved in the main event.

WWE WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Bayley(c) vs. Charlotte Flair- 6.75/10
Charlotte sends Dana to the back in accordance with Bayley’s challenge earlier. This was a good match that was brought down by overbooking. Charlotte was dominating the match completely cleanly until Sasha showed up to interfere. You know. Just like Dana Brooke did for Charlotte all of those times. Once again let me remind you that Dana and Charlotte are heels. Bayley comes out of this looking like either a heel or an idiot for not acknowledging how much Sasha has helped her illegally, Sasha comes out of this looking like a legit heel, nothing comes of Charlotte’s PPV streak which they have been behind over backwards for for so long because of the heelish way it was broken, and I come out of this completely sympathetic to the plight of Charlotte, who got screwed out of the title because the babyface's friend interfered after Charlotte accepted the babyface's challenge and left her friend in the back. Once again Charlotte is supposed to be the heel.

That sign that said “Goldberg ate a bowl of nails for breakfast. Without any milk.” Has got to be one of my all-time favorites. Unfortunately, it was all downhill from here.

WWE UNIVERSAL TITLE MATCH: Kevin Owens(c) vs. Goldberg- DUD!
So they stalled forever. Then Jericho showed up to distract Owens. Only THEN did the bell ring, making it feel like the timekeeper was purposely trying to screw Owens. Goldberg hit his Goldberg stuff and won. Jericho didn’t attack Owens or anything. He just cost him his title and apparently that’s enough revenge for savagely assaulting him during what was supposed to be a celebration of their friendship. In summary, we got a f*ck finish squash match in a PPV main event which results in the Universal Title match at WrestleMania being a match between two part-timers with a finish that isn’t at all in doubt, that doesn’t even need the belt to draw anyway. Good job, WWE!

This was a poorly-booked mess of a PPV that often felt more like an episode of Raw than it did like a PPV. It was one of those shows that reminds you why you shouldn’t have any faith in WWE Creative.

[Big Red Machine]

Alvarez's meltdown on the booking at the beginning of the Bryan & Vinny show is hilarious.

[KILLdozer]

Someone told me about the main event "hey the fans were entertained and they DO love Goldberg.

My response?

"I could entertain the fans by sweeping the freegin' ring - doesn't mean it's a good idea."

...

GOOOLLDDDBEEERRRG, as champion. Great.

[Big Red Machine]

Someone told me about the main event "hey the fans were entertained and they DO love Goldberg.

My response?

"I could entertain the fans by sweeping the freegin' ring - doesn't mean it's a good idea."

Exactly. First of all, they've got to remember that there is more than just the crowd in the building watching. Secondly, and more importantly, do people really find Goldberg squashing main eventers (or even high midcarders) entertaining?

[NWK2000]

Secondly, and more importantly, do people really find Goldberg squashing main eventers (or even high midcarders) entertaining?

Me! And c'moon, this wasn't nearly as bad as the Brock squash, because at least you can at least argue that Jericho took Owens off his game.

Also, I was thinking about the Jinder Mahal/Rusev stuff, and while I was floating it on calling it a dud, I assume this was to give the live crowd a bonus match or two, which is always good

[Big Red Machine]

Secondly, and more importantly, do people really find Goldberg squashing main eventers (or even high midcarders) entertaining?

Me! And c'moon, this wasn't nearly as bad as the Brock squash, because at least you can at least argue that Jericho took Owens off his game.

Yes, Owens was protected more than Brock, but it's a freakin' PPV main event, and this is now the second time they've done this in three and a half months. Old Man Goldberg coming in and squashing guys who should be top stars like Kevin Owens only hurts the product.
This also does nothing to give me any confidence that Bill and Brock will be able to deliver at Mania because I haven't seen Bill wrestle for more than, like, three minutes.

Also, I was thinking about the Jinder Mahal/Rusev stuff, and while I was floating it on calling it a dud, I assume this was to give the live crowd a bonus match or two, which is always good

Not on a PPV it's not. It's more important that the advertised matches deliver than it is to give the crowd two random "bonus" matches. This is the show people are paying for, so it needs to deliver. And is Big show destroying Rusev for longer than the freakin' tag title match got really a "bonus" for the crowd?

[cero2k]

Alvarez's meltdown on the booking at the beginning of the Bryan & Vinny show is hilarious.

"uuuuuuugggghhhhhhhh....This. Fucking. Show"

[cero2k]

Also, I was thinking about the Jinder Mahal/Rusev stuff, and while I was floating it on calling it a dud, I assume this was to give the live crowd a bonus match or two, which is always good

I don't usually have problems with impromptu matches, but at least in this case, one match included Big Show, another included Jinder fucking Mahal, and Joe vs Zayn only got 10 minutes in the curtain jerker. Wasn't a fan of time management in this show

[Big Red Machine]

Also, I was thinking about the Jinder Mahal/Rusev stuff, and while I was floating it on calling it a dud, I assume this was to give the live crowd a bonus match or two, which is always good

I don't usually have problems with impromptu matches, but at least in this case, one match included Big Show, another included Jinder fucking Mahal, and Joe vs Zayn only got 10 minutes in the curtain jerker. Wasn't a fan of time management in this show

My theory is as follows: They didn't build up to or advertise these matches at all because they figured that people would look at the number of advertised matches and think that Owens vs. Goldberg would actually be a real match, which is a totally scummy thing to do.

[KILLdozer]

Secondly, and more importantly, do people really find Goldberg squashing main eventers (or even high midcarders) entertaining?

Me! And c'moon, this wasn't nearly as bad as the Brock squash, because at least you can at least argue that Jericho took Owens off his game.

Yes, Owens was protected more than Brock, but it's a freakin' PPV main event, and this is now the second time they've done this in three and a half months. Old Man Goldberg coming in and squashing guys who should be top stars like Kevin Owens only hurts the product.
This also does nothing to give me any confidence that Bill and Brock will be able to deliver at Mania because I haven't seen Bill wrestle for more than, like, three minutes.

Also, I was thinking about the Jinder Mahal/Rusev stuff, and while I was floating it on calling it a dud, I assume this was to give the live crowd a bonus match or two, which is always good

Not on a PPV it's not. It's more important that the advertised matches deliver than it is to give the crowd two random "bonus" matches. This is the show people are paying for, so it needs to deliver. And is Big show destroying Rusev for longer than the freakin' tag title match got really a "bonus" for the crowd?

For real...Just the fact that Cesaro had trouble defeating that idjit when Sheamus and Cesaro have done QUITE well for a while now makes it all worse. I'm just somewhat baffled as the reasoning to giving either Mahal or Rusev matches for both of them only to get that crap knocked out of them. If anything, have Rusev defeat the got dang Big Show, but noooo-gotta fight Shaquille O'Neal . That rumor had better not be true-haven't we seek enough from these two fools in the past, idk, 7 years at least? Stop rerunning that crap already!

It's not like it's anywhere near new at all. At all.

Hmmm, what else? Oh yes, the freakin' Goldberg is soooo old man -like...Kevin Owens just got dropped like nothing by a dude with A FULLY WHITE GOATEE!

I wouldn't even have a problem with this "Run into a guy, lift him and destroy him,", if it was Ryback doing it.

That's right-I'll never let that go. He was one of my first real genuine favorites I could legitimately relate to:Just a guy trying to keep going nonstop Because it's what he needed and wanted and didn't care about anything else, plus he legitimately inspired me (furtherly) into weight lifting/body building.

Hm. Then they destroyed because, Just because. Back to the scheduled topic at hand.

I've actually just read that Goldberg V Brock Lesnar is already on for WM, title on the line. So they obviously don't even care about Owens' guaranteed rematch. The only real hope is it happens and Brock costs him.

Then we have Goldberg's rematch to worry about if it it happens, and...Oh for the love of Pete.