BRM Reviews the 7/14/2014 Raw

[Big Red Machine]

Tonight’s main event will be Kane, Orton & Rollin vs. Ambrose, Reigns, & Cena. I am salivating. I know we’ll get YET ANOTHER DQ finish, but in my crazy mind I can pretend that maybe just this once they’ll go to a time-limit draw.

OPENING SEGMENT- Cena cut a promo plugging the WWE Network and hyping up the main event for Battleground. Roman Reigns came out and Cena thanked him for saving him last week. Cena tried to tell him that they need to be unified, but Reigns interrupted, saying “get to the damn point.” I popped. They had a nice confrontation and vowed to work together to beat Orton and Kane tonight.
Ambrose then appeared on the Tron because this was necessary for Kane and Rollins to jump him. Orton also joined in the beating. They this went on for a while. They were in a very non-descript area, so I’ll assume Cena and Reigns couldn’t find them. Ambrose was defiant to the end, even after taking a chokeslam onto some boxes. “Is that all you guys got?!” he asked defiantly. So Rollins gave him a HUGE Blackout/Curb Stomp/Piece of Mind/whatever they are calling it now onto some sort of wooden box. It looked sick.

When we came back from commercial, we learned that Ambrose was being taken to a hospital. I assume the main event will wind up being a handicap match that will end by DQ when Ambrose shows up with a weapon and attacks the heels.

MIZ PROMO- yup. He stole Tyler Breeze’s gimmick. Jerk. He said that a picture of is face will be on the TItanTron throughout the match. Also, he will be in the IC Title Battle Royale.
Sheamus had an inset promo where he said he would kick Miz’s head off.

SHEAMUS vs. THE MIZ- 6.25/10
The people were REALLY into Sheamus.
They cut to a graphic listing everyone in the IC Title battle royale IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS MATCH!
MIZ WON CLEAN (by roll-up). I can actually see these two putting on a good US Title program for Summer Slam revolving around Sheamus trying to kick Miz in the face.

THE AUTHORITY BACKSTAGE- Orton and Kane argue about who will win the WWE Title. Hunter steps in and orders them to work together tonight. Kane and Orton left, and Steph randomly showed up and said that Hunter taking care of business and taking charge of things made her get wet in her fun place (although not with that phrasing). Then she and Hunter made out for a while. This seemed gratuitous.

DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. FANDANGO- 3/10
Layla and Summer showed up out of nowhere on the announce table and started to dance, distracting Fandango to give Dolph the win. Then they danced in the ring. Then they danced around Dolph. They checked out his ass, which was funny. Then I don’t know what happened because my DVR screwed up.

SANDOW & ADAM ROSE BACKSTAGE- Sandow is apparently working for Sonic (the fast food place, not the hedgehog). Either that or he dressed up in a Sonic employee’s outfit to steal food. Adam Rose and the Exotic Express showed up and Rose berated him for being mean to the fast food lady. He also plugged their bacon and cheese hotdog or whatever. The Rosebuds danced in the background. Among them I noticed ROH trainee and really hot chick Mandee Leon as well as the recently-blonde Rosita. For all of those on the internet who have been saying that she looks like a spitting image of Trish Stratus, you are half right. She looks like Trish Stratus if Trish Stratus were a 5 instead of a 10.
They had a tug of war over the food and something idiotic happened involving Sandow, an atrocious off-screen bump, and a corny sound effect. Adam Rose then started to eat the food that Sandow had either stolen or had ordered or was supposed to deliver or something. Either way, Adam Rose did not pay for the food and it certainly belonged to someone else, so Adam Rose was stealing. Also, he didn’t share these ill-gotten gains with the Rosebuds. Adam Rose is a jerk. I really don’t understand why we are supposed to like him. The hot chicks and goofy costumes I get, but none of this makes me want to see Rose actually WIN MATCHES.


HARPER & ROWAN JUMP THE USOS- short and sweet. Harper and Rowan jumped them from bhein and beat them up. They used the Backseat Boys old T-Gimmick finish, and it looked awesome.

VERBAL DEBATE BETWEEN LANA AND ZEB- AWESOME!
Cole described this as a "detente" between the Real Americans and Lana & Rusev for the purposes of easing tensions between their two countries. I can see others hating this, but as someone with a poli-sci degree, it made me chuckle. Lana called the USA "stupid" a lot, then laughed uproariously at her own wit. Then, when the fans began to chant "USA!", she got her epic angry face on. Lana rocks.
Zeb then cut and awesome promo, and they started going back and forth and it rocked. Also, the poli-sci major and guy who does PR for a living in me both have to complement Zeb on his word choice here for being fantastically neutral. His choice to use the word "presidency" instead of "president" made it so that even if you hate Obama with all of your heart (or if this was eight years ago, even if you hated Bush with all of your heart), you had to agree with what Zeb was saying because he was talking about the office rather than the man.
Zeb then demanded to know from Rusev if he was going to "step out from behind this woman and be a man and face Jack Swagger at Battleground." Rusev declared that this was "war!"
Lana slapped Zeb, and Rusev came in to attack but Swagger shot his leg and took him down. Swagger tired to go for a submission, but Lana pulled his hair, which distracted him enough for Rusev to get the advantage. Swagger took a bit of a beating, but managed to counter Rusev's superkick into the Patriot Act, and then... and here's the most genius part... Rusev survived in the ankle lock, but the whole time it looked like he might tap at any moment, until he finally managed to break himself free, No interference by Lana at all. Rusev looked tough, but it looked like Swagger might be able to beat him. I can't wait to see their match on PPV! Then Rusev limped up the ramp while Zeb grabbed the American flag and started waving it proudly and it was totally awesome!

Cole informs us that it is "doubtful" that Ambrose will be able to return for the main event.

CENA & REIGNS BACKSTAGE- Cena's lines really felt like manufactured conflict. Rollins was great, though.

ROB VAN DAM vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO- 6.25/10
GREAT for the time it got.

They plug the premiere of the CM Punk DVD on the Network. Interesting timing, considering that his contract ends tonight. In fact, I think it might well be airing the exact day his contract expires. Is this their way of paying tribute to him as he leaves?

STEPH PROMO- she tells Nikki that Brie abandoned her, so all of this suffering right now is really Brie's fault.

HANDICAP MATCH: Nikki Bella vs. Alicia Fox & Cameron- 3/10
Good for the time it got. They had an AWESOME spot in here where Alicia Fox went to do her spot where she picks the girl up for a sidewalk slam but then just holds her near the ropes and drops her down onto the apron, but as she was charging in, Nikki kicked off of the ropes and turned it into a latteral press. I thought that was very creative. Fox won with a cool new finisher, although Cameron really should have picked up the win, considering that she is going into a PPV match and Fox is not. Thankfully, Fox seems to have abandoned her crazy-person gimmick.

ORTON & HUNTER BACKSTAGE-
Orton is not happy with Kane. Hunter assures him that "Kane is just a pawn... but he's our pawn. The plan is for you to walk out of Battleground as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. Kane will stick to the plan. YOU are the plan." Orton then asked "so if I'm the plan, then there's no need for a Plan B?" Hunter replied "Right." In a very non-committal voice. This was GREAT... although they had better hope that Kane doesn't watch a replay between now and Sunday.

STARDUST & GOLDUST BACKSTAGE- I think JBL and Lawler summed it up best.
JBL: Can you explain that?
Lawler: No. Don't even try.

THERE IS NO DEFENSE FOR THIS STUPID IDEA! Cody has been killed dead.

CESARO vs. BIG E. LANGSTON (w/Kofi Kingston)- 4.75/10
The announcers push a rumor that Heyman either got fired or quit because he isn't at ringside with Cesaro. Cole claims to have seen Heyman in Richmond tonight. Cesaro dominated most of the match. Big E. made his comeback, but Cesaro rolled to the floor and immediately cut him off by snapping his neck on the ropes. Cesaro then grabbed a chair from under the ring and threw it at Kofi, who avodied it. Cesaro grabbed another chair and got in the ring, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE REFEREE and was going to hit Big E. with it (so Cesaro just doesn't give a crap about winning this match?) but Kofi grabbed the chair, which distracted Cesaro so Big E. could ht the Big Ending. This was stupid. Why even have Cesaro lose at all, especially if they see so much star power in him? If you want to do something to put over his feud with Kofi, HAVE KOFI SELL THE BEATINGS FROM THE PAST TWO WEEKS BY BEING INJURED! This would not only make all future beatdowns more important, but it lets you hold off on really starting that feud until you are ready to build up to a singles match, and the time off will allow Kofi to come back hot rather than just being another guy on the show, which he has been for years now. (In fact, why not have Kofi be so hurt that he is out of the battle royale. Then have Cesaro win the battle royale and the title, then build to Cesaro vs. Kofi at Summerslam for the title).

Wade Barrett will be at Battleground to present the IC Title to the new champion.

JERICHO & WYATT SEGMENT- accomplished it's goal, but I didn't care for it.
Jericho cut a decent promo about his history in the WWE and said that Bray was something he had never seen before. He said that he wanted to know why Bray had targeted him. Bray then appeared on the Tron and said... well... nothing,really. He said Jericho was supposed to always be there but wasn't, and he said that powerful men he has fought are all the same. The fans chanted "BORING!" which might be the first time Bray has ever gotten that chant. Bray then used his magic to turn off the lights and made Harper and Rowan appear in the ring. Jericho avoided their attacks and started to back his way up the ramp. Bray then attacked Jericho from behind, which was good except that the announcers completely killed the surprise by saying "watch your back Chris" the whole time he was backing up the ramp. Jericho ate a Sister Abigail on the stage.

I love how the announcers are saying that it is such a mystery that Bray has targeted Jericho, but have never once questioned Bray's magical powers.

AJ LEE vs. EVA MARIE- 1.25/10
Why do they keep putting this woman in the ring live on Raw? I mean seriously! Even against a great worker like AJ, she had a match on Smackdown ten days ago that was bad enough that it had to be severely edited... so they then do a rematch on Raw?! WHAT THE F*CK?!
Eva is supposed to be a babyface, and yet the moment the match started, she immediately received loud, chants of "EVA SUCKS!" And this wasn't dueling chants like with Cena. This was unanimous. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THIS WOMAN WRESTLE.
Was this match super-botchy? No. But ANY OTHER WOMAN ON THE ROSTER would have had a better match with AJ, and a match in which AJ selling for them wouldn't have looked silly (this girl has NO experience, how does AJ just not beat her in six seconds?), and AJ winning would have meant more.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- GREAT!
Throughout the match, Paige insisted that she and AJ were "frenemies." After the match, AJ grabbed a headset, got on the announce table right in front of Paige (sitting Indian style, just like Punk) and complemented Paige on her hair. Paige complemented her back, and you they did a great job of getting across just how much they didn't like each other, but that they have decided to try to keep that fact private.

KANE & THE AUTHORITY BACKSTAGE- good
Kane says that he doesn't like or trust Randy. Steph says that is just a part of business sometimes ("we have a ton of people who work for us who we don't like"). Hunter then tells Kane that it would be best for business if "the WWE World Heavyweight Championship comes back to the Authority. Do what you have to do to get it done." GREAT!

BO DALLAS PROMO- good.

BO DALLAS vs. THE GREAT KHALI- 1.5/10
Bo showed no fear of Khali at all. Apparently Khali will be in the battle royale. Oh joy. When Bo was tossed over the top rope, Cole made sure to tell us that if this was the battle royale, Bo would have been eliminated. I was quite disappointed that no one piped up by saying "and if this was the NWA, Khali would have been disqualified." Then I got to thinking... how great would it be if ROH booked a battle royale. Can you imagine Steve Corino on commentary, calling eliminations and calling for DQs at the same time. His head would explode in confusion.
Bo won by countout after a Bo Dog from the apron to the floor. I thought that was a great finish. Bo tired to inspire Khali after the match, but Khali hit him. That wasn't cool.
Putting Bo in the battle royale is a mistake. Either he wins the title, which he both doesn't need now and isn't ready for, or he loses, throwing his undefeated streak away for no reason and no gain.

ROLLINS & THE AUTHORITY BACKSTAGE- there is a plan b.

PAUL HEYMAN & THE AUTHORITY BACKSTAGE- he offers a "foolproof, guaranteed" "plan c." I assume this is the set-up for Brock getting a title shot at Summer Slam.

THERE WILL BE A FLO-RIDA CONCERT LIVE ON RAW NEXT WEEK- ironically, they just finished advertising "the best of WCW Monday Nitro" on the WWE Network. The fact that such a DVD is now being aired on such a network should remind them that this is a bad idea.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS RIC FLAIR- HUGE pop for Flair (duh!) I believe he tried to hit on Renee by simply being Ric Flair. Renee asked Ric to pick a winner of the WWE World Heavyweight Title match at Battleground. He said he thought Cena would win. Roman Reigns then came out and shook hands with Flair. Then Flair went to go to the back and Cena came out. Flair actually did the "I'm not worthy" bowing thing to Cena, who quickly waved it off and tried to get Flair to pose for a picture with the World Heavyweight Title. Then they hugged.

HANDICAP MATCH: Roman Reigns & John Cena vs. The Authority (Randy Orton, Seth Rollins, & Kane)- 6/10
The match seemed a bit rushed to me. Both Cena and Reigns got turns being the babyface in peril and getting the hot tag. Reigns ran wild for a bit, but got beaten down by Orton and Kane, and the ref DQed the heels for being in the ring for too long after the tag (HOORAY FOR THE RULES!) Rollins looked like he hurt his leg while taking a clothesline over the top rope.
Cena and Orton brawled, then Kane accidentally hit Orton when Cena moved out of the way. This was then used to set up a spot where Reigns went to spear Orton, but Orton moved and Reigns accidentally hit Cena instead. Kane knocked Reigns down, but Orton then gave Kane an RKO. We got a little fake-out of going off the air with Orton standing tall, but he got Speared at the end of the show.
Ambrose not coming back tonight means that if WWE is smart, he won't be back on TV until the PPV.

As a go-home show, this Raw did its job of hitting its points (although they should have done something for Cameron vs. Naomi- maybe hav Naomi cut a promo expressing her frustrations with Cameron, and maybe an Usos promo from the trainer's room would have helped, too). As a regular episode of Raw, though, I was disappointed with it.

[cero2k]

VERBAL DEBATE BETWEEN LANA AND ZEB- AWESOME!
Cole described this as a "detente" between the Real Americans and Lana & Rusev for the purposes of easing tensions between their two countries. I can see others hating this, but as someone with a poli-sci degree, it made me chuckle. Lana called the USA "stupid" a lot, then laughed uproariously at her own wit. Then, when the fans began to chant "USA!", she got her epic angry face on. Lana rocks.
Zeb then cut and awesome promo, and they started going back and forth and it rocked. Also, the poli-sci major and guy who does PR for a living in me both have to complement Zeb on his word choice here for being fantastically neutral. His choice to use the word "presidency" instead of "president" made it so that even if you hate Obama with all of your heart (or if this was eight years ago, even if you hated Bush with all of your heart), you had to agree with what Zeb was saying because he was talking about the office rather than the man.
Zeb then demanded to know from Rusev if he was going to "step out from behind this woman and be a man and face Jack Swagger at Battleground." Rusev declared that this was "war!"
Lana slapped Zeb, and Rusev came in to attack but Swagger shot his leg and took him down. Swagger tired to go for a submission, but Lana pulled his hair, which distracted him enough for Rusev to get the advantage. Swagger took a bit of a beating, but managed to counter Rusev's superkick into the Patriot Act, and then... and here's the most genius part... Rusev survived in the ankle lock, but the whole time it looked like he might tap at any moment, until he finally managed to break himself free, No interference by Lana at all. Rusev looked tough, but it looked like Swagger might be able to beat him. I can't wait to see their match on PPV! Then Rusev limped up the ramp while Zeb grabbed the American flag and started waving it proudly and it was totally awesome!

i'm not sure if the pops were for the US or for Swagger, but the reactions during this segment were amazing. I truly hope that it's swagger getting the reactions, and i surely hope that swagger stays over with the crowd once he is finished getting fed to Rusev

AJ LEE vs. EVA MARIE- 1.25/10
Why do they keep putting this woman in the ring live on Raw? I mean seriously! Even against a great worker like AJ, she had a match on Smackdown ten days ago that was bad enough that it had to be severely edited... so they then do a rematch on Raw?! WHAT THE F*CK?!
Eva is supposed to be a babyface, and yet the moment the match started, she immediately received loud, chants of "EVA SUCKS!" And this wasn't dueling chants like with Cena. This was unanimous. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THIS WOMAN WRESTLE.
Was this match super-botchy? No. But ANY OTHER WOMAN ON THE ROSTER would have had a better match with AJ, and a match in which AJ selling for them would have looked silly (this girl has NO experience, how does AJ just not beat her in six seconds?), and AJ winning would have meant more.

i'll tell you this, this was the best Eva match i've seen.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS RIC FLAIR- HUGE pop for Flair (duh!) I believe he tried to hit on Renee by simply being Ric Flair. Renee asked Ric to pick a winner of the WWE World Heavyweight Title match at Battleground. He said he thought Cena would win. Roman Reigns then came out and shook hands with Flair. Then Flair went to go to the back and Cena came out. Flair actually did the "I'm not worthy" bowing thing to Cena, who quickly waved it off and tried to get Flair to pose for a picture with the World Heavyweight Title. Then they hugged.

i thought that this was the most random thing ever, but if this is how they retire the big gold, i couldn't think of a better way than giving it back to Flair.

[cero2k]

They plug the premiere of the CM Punk DVD on the Network. Interesting timing, considering that his contract ends tonight. In fact, I think it might well be airing the exact day his contract expires. Is this their way of paying tribute to him as he leaves?

with the news they signed KENTA and with Sting's 'debut', i figured they would use both news to hide him being officially released and try to pass it with no one mentioning a thing. Then they do this and completely kill my theory