BRM Reviews the 3/24/2014 Raw

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- Steph cuts a great promo. Then Orton comes out and pitches an idea to Steph: have Hunter beat the sh*t out of Dragon at Mania, but then not compete in the WWE World Heavyweight Title match so that Orton doesn’t have to kick his ass in front of their kids and WWE Executives. Then Batista came out and said that he doesn’t care who he faces: everyone has to deal with the fact that he will walk out of Wrestlemania XXX with the WWE World Heavyweight Title. His mic had problems. Steph made fun of it. Batista called Orton a suck-up, then made allegations that Steph was promiscuous… so Stpeh actually SLAPPED THE SUNGLASSES OF OFF HIS FACE! Orton couldn’t control his laughter at this. Steph stormed out of the ring and Batista speared Orton.

WINNER GETS AN IC TITLE MATCH TOMORROW NIGHT ON MAIN EVENT: Sheamus vs. Christian vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Alberto Del Rio- 7.25/10
Can someone please explain to WWE Creative that it is possible to build up a feud between Christian and Sheamus without having them touch each other on EVERY SINGLE SHOW.
Crowd was totally into Ziggler. Big E. offers Christian a handskae, but Christian snubs him.

WYATTS PROMO- good

DAMIEN SANDOW vs. SIN CARA (w/Scooby Doo)- squash.

CURTIS AXEL & RYBACK vs. LOS MATADORES (w/El Torito)- DUD!
The Shield show up about six seconds into the match, causing a distraction, so that the guys getting the tag title shot at Mania loses. Then the Shield attack them. Why not just have the Shield attack them for a DQ to keep your challengers strong?

COLE INTERVIEWS TRIPLE H- good segment.

FANDANGO (w/Summer Rae) vs. Cody Rhodes (w/Goldust)- no rating. Okay segment.
Goldust and Summer Rae do stuff on the outside. Summer Rae’s facials are AMAZING. She hurts herself doing a spin, distracting Fandango, allowing Cody to get the win.

HOGAN, AHNOLD, & ALCIDE FROM TRUE BLOOD- I would call this annoying fluff, but I enjoyed Arnold and Hogan way too much. Then Miz came out and I got annoyed. Miz bugged them, then he got his ass kicked.

THE BIG SHOW vs. TITUS O’NEIL- 4/10
Gee. It’s a good thing they turned Titus O’Neil heel so that he could become a giant jobber. He got a lot more offense in than I expected, but no one will remember it next week. Why would you put Big Show over here? It does nothing for anyone. Putting Titus over, though… that makes Titus into an actual contender in this battle royale.

SHIELD & THE AUTHORITY- Hunter says that the problems between Shield, Kane, and NAO are their business. He gives them a match against the Real Americans tonight.

CENA WASHES HIS FACE- Did they really just do “Warrior in the Mirror?” ARE THEY F*CKING STUPID.

JOHN CENA vs. LUKE HARPER (w/the Wyatt Family)- 7/10
Whoever thought up the idea of having Husky do customized “we’re here” videos is an idiot. THE PEOPLE POP FOR THEIR HOMETOWN BEING MENTIONED. Everyone knows that!
Brooklyn had ATROCIOUS rhythm on their Cena-related dueling chants.
The match was great, but it had a stupid finish (or rather a stupid lack of a finish). If you want the Wyatts to tie Cena up in the ropes and put a sheep mask on him, DO A F*CKING DQ! Don’t magically shut the lights off, then be in that situation when the lights come back on.

WWE DIVAS TITLE MATCH: AJ Lee(c) (w/Tamina) vs. Naomi (w/Cameron)- DUD!
AJ just gets herself counted out. Vickie comes out, and because AJ made fun of her on Smackdown, Vickie calls AJ a bitch and announces that AJ will defend the Divas Title against every single woman on the roster at Wrestlemania, including Tamina. Yeah. Because that’s going to be more exciting and effective than building up a strong challenger for a one-on-one challenge… like, perhaps, THE WOMAN STANDING IN THE RING, WHO JUST GOT SCREWED OUT OF A TITLE SHOT!
Did they forget that the purpose of a PPV is to put on GOOD MATCHES that are the CULMINATION OF A STORY? How is a match clogged up by sh*tty workers like Cameron, Aksana, and Eva Marie going to possibly be better than just AJ vs. Naomi, with Naomi trying to win the prestigious Divas Title for the first time in her career (or even a four way with AJ against Nattie against Nikki against Naomi).
Seriously! They are putting EVA F*CKING MARIE IN A WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA.

RAZOR RAMON WILL GO INTO THE WWE HALL OF FAME- cool
My favorite part of this was Cesaro, being the awesome heel that he is, saying that his favorite thing about Razor was how he would push a kid into a fountain. Good video package, but it was interesting how they didn’t mention anything at all about the nWo. The lack of Nash, DDP, and Triple H putting him over was also surprising.

THE SHIELD (w/Roman Reigns) vs. THE REAL AMERICANS (w/Zeb Coulter)- 6.75/10
The crowd was pretty solidly behind the Real Americans until the comeback, then they went nuts for the Shield. Rollins’ not selling the Patriot Lock during the finish really bothered me. Cesaro attacks Rollins after the match but eats a Superman Punch and a Spear from Reigns, followed by a Triple Powerbomb through the announce table.
After the match, Kane and the New Age Outlaws (in suits!) come out and Kane announces that it will be Kane and the New Age Outlaws vs. The Shield at Wrestlemania.

BROCK & TAKER SEGMENT- long and boring. They brawl a bit, and Taker gets the best of Brock. Then the crowd ruins this heavy moment with a “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” chant for Taker.

Overall, a good Raw in the ring, but also a very frustrating one.