BRM Reviews the 11/25/2013 Raw

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- Orton argues with the Authority about whether or not he needed their help. I don’t care. Neither does the crowd, as they are currently chanting “DANIEL BRYAN!”
Orton says that he is the greatest star in the WWE ever, and that no one can take that away from him. Then Cena came out and the crowd kind of started to care about the segment.
Cena challenges Orton to a match to determine who the real champion is. Hunter announces that at TLC they will determine that in a TLC match. They put a lot of emphasis on the fact that both belts would be hung up about the ring, so I am predicting some sort of BS finish where each guy pulls one belt down at the same time. They are also trying to tease that Cena has been conspiring with the Authority, but no one is buying it.

REY MYSTERIO JR., CODY RHODES & GOLDUST vs. THE SHIELD- 6.25/10
Good finishing sequence

Among the stips you can vote for on the WWE app for Sandow vs. Ziggler tonight are a “Long Island Lumberjack match” and a “Hamptons Hardcore match.” Wow. Whoever came up with these names is clearly unfamiliar with these areas.

MIZ TV WITH MICHAEL STRAHAN- TERRIBLE!
Titus O’Neil plays a fake Michael Strahan and acts like a bit of a fool. When did Titus become a heel?
The real Strahan comes out and books a “double team tag team main event” of Orton & Del Rio vs. Cena & Big Show. He also seemed to be auditioning for the role of ring announcer.
Miz and Strahan get into an argument over something. Miz points out that Strahan was cool fifteen years ago, and that it is now 2013. If he isn’t cool why did WWE book him as a guest host?
They get into a hip toss challenge, and Strahan, an old retired football players, punks out two wrestlers with a basic wrestling move. Then Miz, who JUST TURNED HEEL LAST WEEK, acts completely out of character and, like a good sport, raises Strahan’s hand in the middle of the ring at the end.
The silver lining of this cloud, though, was the crowd’s reaction most of what Titus did. Hopefully someone in management will take note of how over he clearly is.

BIG E. LANGSTON & MARK HENRY vs. CURTIS AXEL & RYBACK- 2/10
WAY too short. I did like Lawler dubbing Langston & Henry “The World’s Strongest Team,” though.

BULLSH*T DIVAS SURVIVOR SERIES REMATCH- NEGTIVE 2/10
On the off chance that someone actually did order last night’s PPV to see the Divas Survivor Series Elimination match, WWE has decided to tell that person to f*ck off.
Aksana even got to kick out of a pin, though.
And… now I’m pissed. Sure Nattie did all of the work, but WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU EVEN HAVE JOJO PIN TAMINA (and because Nattie’s finish is a sharpshooter, this means that Tamina got pinned by a non finisher and with a few seconds of not being covered right after taking the move)?
Eva Marie, who probably has less than five televised matches, pins Alicia Fox in a horribly botched fashion, so Alicia looks like a chump for losing to someone who can barely wrestle.
AJ pins Nattie clean, completely destroying the build they had to a title match there (which is what last night’s PPV match was supposed to accomplish!), then gets pinned after just two moves from Brie (one of which was botched).
Summer Rae, the least experienced heel, winds up alone against three babyfaces. She tries to best Nikki’s worm and hilarious fails, making for one of the only two enjoyable moments of this match. Summer Rae tries to flee, but the mean babyfaces gang up on her and won’t let her.
This match was UTTER SH*T. It was 100% counter-productive to anything they were trying to do, and basically erases last night’s PPV match. Rather than looking brave for willingly stepping into the ring against a much stronger foe, JoJo now looks like a heel, capitalizing off of someone else’s hard work. Nattie is now no longer a challenger for the Divas’ Title, too.
And what was the purpose of this? So more people will see the match and think “Hey! The Total Divas won a fake wrestling match. That’s so cool that I am now going to start watching their TV show”? The sad part is… I am almost certain that that is how WWE thinks people think.
That Superkick, though… I could watch Tamina kick other women in the face for hours. That’s not a weird thing to say, is it?

HARDCORE MATCH: Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler- 7/10
These two guys have a random hardcore match (just like last week) and the crowd cared so much that they randomly chanted for Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan. The match was great, but if WWE actually put some thought into an actual program for these two, the crowd might actually care!
Dolph Ziggler tries to get a cheap pop by wearing an Islanders jersey to the ring. If Dolph knew anything about hockey, he would realize that Islanders fans never show up the Nassau Mausoleum. At one point Sandow draped the jersey over Ziggler and gave it the Elbow of Disdain, which got the biggest pop of the night from me.

CLIPS FROM WWE FILMS NEW MOVIE- the name of the movie is “Christmas Bounty.” From what I can tell from the clip, one of the stars of the movie appears to a prostitute (that’s how she was dressed anyway.

CRAP WITH STRAHAN BACKSTAGE- he argues about something with Santino, then Erick Rowan shows up and hands him a sheep mash, which he pits on. They stare at each other. Then Rowan leaves. Santino comes back and gives Strahan idiotic cooking instructions. WHAT THE F*CK WAS THE POINT OF THIS?!

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS PUNK & DRAGON- Punk made this amusing. I loved him trying to trip Dragon up by asking a question that didn’t have a “yes or no” answer. Punk says that he and Dragon will win tonight, even if the Wyatt’s teamed up with, among others, all of the Russians, the Rock N’ Roll Express, the Midnight Express, the Ring Crew Express, Marty Derosa, Matt Classic, Colt Cabana, and Scott Colton. I was rolling with laughter.

HANDICAP MATCH: Daniel Bryan & CM Punk vs. The Wyatt Family- 6/10
What the hell is up with this obsession WWE has developed with handicap matches lately?
Anyway, the Wyatts get DQed for being in the ring too long after a tag (HOORAY FOR THE RULES!). Then they kidnap Dragon while the Shield shows up and attacks Punk. I was actually concerned that the possible link between the Wyatts and the Authority had been forgotten, so it’s nice to see it being brought up again.

MIZ & HIS CO-STAR BACKSTAGE- he claims to have “handled” her well in their movie. This does nothing to dissuade me from my belief that her character is a prostitute.

KOFI KINGSTON vs. THE MIZ- 5.25/10
This match got some Daniel Bryan chants, and also some entirely random “we want tables!” chants.

Foley tries to sell us things from WWE shop.com under all of his various gimmicks.

INTERVIEW WITH THE GUY WHO WON THE SANDY RELIEF AUCTION- this guy has a super Italian name, but decides that his ringname would be “the Kosher Butcher.” There are various amusing Abdullah the Butcher jokes they could have made about needing to use two forks, but instead, they ask this guy what he would name his finisher. He says he would call it “the circumcision.” This was just embarrassing. He gives Lawler a “Kosher Butcher” t-shirt which the two people sitting next to him (who actually did look like Jews from Queens) were also wearing. The t-shirt has the Orthodox Union logo on it. I hope this guy gets sued.

HEATH SLATER (w/3MB) vs. XAIVER WOODS (w/R-Truth & The Funkadactyls)- 4/10
I have no idea why the Funkadactyls are now with Truth and Woods. Wouldn’t that make them the “Rap-a-dactyls” or something?
We got loud “KOSHER BUTCHER!” chants, which will likely go down as possibly the most unlikely chants in wrestling history. The fact that this guy got chants seems to make him a lot more over than most of the babyfaces on the show.
We also got loud chants for Xavier Woods. Woods is apparently sharing music with the Funkadactyls for some reason.

MICHAEL STRAHAN BACKSTAGE WITH VARIOUS TOITAL DIVAS- I’m pretty sure he wished a happy birthday to Nikki, but not Brie. That made me laugh. Strahan signs footballs for the Bellas, then for the Funkadactyls, then Eva Marie comes up to him and plugs Total Divas. Then Goldust shows up for no reason.

JOHN CENA & THE BIG SHOW vs. ALBERTO DEL RIO & RANDY ORTON- 6.75/10
For some reason Big Show played the babyface in peril. We got “We want Ryder!” chants. A doctor has to come check on Big Show, so Cena is basically forced into a handicap match for a while… but he still manages to make Del Rio tap. Del Rio jumps him after the match, but Cena still gets the best of him. Orton then hits Cena with the WWE Title belt, then stands over the fallen Cena with both belts.

Not a very good show from WWE, but there is definitely some stuff brewing, which is good.

[cero2k]

I have no idea why the Funkadactyls are now with Truth and Woods.

Team wasn't racial enough

They put a lot of emphasis on the fact that both belts would be hung up about the ring, so I am predicting some sort of BS finish where each guy pulls one belt down at the same time.

yes, the trick here is that they grab the opposing title. it's a lazy booking move to switch the titles going into the WM season.

[Big Red Machine]

They put a lot of emphasis on the fact that both belts would be hung up about the ring, so I am predicting some sort of BS finish where each guy pulls one belt down at the same time.

yes, the trick here is that they grab the opposing title. it's a lazy booking move to switch the titles going into the WM season.

Ah. So each has a claim to the other belt. But... but how do you hold off on the match until Mania?

[cero2k]

They put a lot of emphasis on the fact that both belts would be hung up about the ring, so I am predicting some sort of BS finish where each guy pulls one belt down at the same time.

yes, the trick here is that they grab the opposing title. it's a lazy booking move to switch the titles going into the WM season.

Ah. So each has a claim to the other belt. But... but how do you hold off on the match until Mania?

Elimination Chamber is easy to book since they both have some sort of obligation to defend their titles in the ECs, Royal rumble would be the tricky one unless they book another non-finish and focus on the big Rumble. What i'm worried now is that if they switch the titles, they may not unify them at the end and it's just so Cena can main event with the WWE title. Hopefully i'm wrong on that one

[Big Red Machine]

The only way to unify the belts at Mania would be having an MITB winner win the rumble and then cash in at Elimination Chamber, which they can't do this year.

[cero2k]

The only way to unify the belts at Mania would be having an MITB winner win the rumble and then cash in at Elimination Chamber, which they can't do this year.

or have Cena challenge Orton for both titles. Punk wins rumble and makes it a 3-way. either punk or cena turn heel, join the authority, and win both titles that night. it is WM 30. something big should be brewing.

[KILLdozer]

He clearly said "like how I handled the ACTING with you in that movie."

Give it a rest brotha ;D.

[Big Red Machine]

He clearly said "like how I handled the ACTING with you in that movie."

Give it a rest brotha ;D.

Rewatch it. That is absolutely not what he said, because she had just said something about "handling" something.

[Bob-O]

MIZ TV WITH MICHAEL STRAHAN- TERRIBLE!
Titus O’Neil plays a fake Michael Strahan and acts like a bit of a fool. When did Titus become a heel?
The real Strahan comes out and books a “double team tag team main event” of Orton & Del Rio vs. Cena & Big Show. He also seemed to be auditioning for the role of ring announcer.
Miz and Strahan get into an argument over something. Miz points out that Strahan was cool fifteen years ago, and that it is now 2013. If he isn’t cool why did WWE book him as a guest host?
They get into a hip toss challenge, and Strahan, an old retired football players, punks out two wrestlers with a basic wrestling move. Then Miz, who JUST TURNED HEEL LAST WEEK, acts completely out of character and, like a good sport, raises Strahan’s hand in the middle of the ring at the end.
The silver lining of this cloud, though, was the crowd’s reaction most of what Titus did. Hopefully someone in management will take note of how over he clearly is.

This whole bit was a head scratcher. Titus, who never really even turned face - his tag team partner came out of the closet and they started wrestling heels after that - but is certainly face now, comes out and does heel type things. When he tries to play the "I'm just playin', we're all good sports here havin' fun" face card and do the Millions of Dollars dance with Strahan, he gets leveled... which was incredibly heelish of Strahan.

Then Miz, as you said, turned heel last week, and is KILLING IT with the crowd freaks out and ruins it by telling the crowd 'it was a joke', and even used the term 'heel' (which I'm surprised you didn't pick up on).

I mean, Miz was more heel than face here, and Titus was more face than heel, but I couldn't help but feel like the ring was full of tweaners. I don't know what they were aiming at with this segment but they wound up about 30 miles south of Boise, Idaho.

You're right about Titus though. They talk about 'making the most of every opportunity', and the dude DOES IT. He absolutely brings home every piece of crap assignment they give him. I know they're not real high up on his ring stuff, but why in the hell are they not doing everything in their power to help the guy improve!? I love listening to JBL put him over...

I have no idea why the Funkadactyls are now with Truth and Woods....Woods is apparently sharing music with the Funkadactyls for some reason.

I don't care why they did it, it freakin' worked. The whole package worked in a way they could market, instead of a 'haha the fat guy's dancin'...' kind of way. Hopefully, it leads to a program with Tensai and Brodus and the two monsters can get out of their comedy gimmicks and tear some shit up!

What the hell is up with this obsession WWE has developed with handicap matches lately?

Good question.

[Big Red Machine]

[

I have no idea why the Funkadactyls are now with Truth and Woods....Woods is apparently sharing music with the Funkadactyls for some reason.

I don't care why they did it, it freakin' worked. The whole package worked in a way they could market, instead of a 'haha the fat guy's dancin'...' kind of way. Hopefully, it leads to a program with Tensai and Brodus and the two monsters can get out of their comedy gimmicks and tear some s**t up!

This would be fantastic!

[cero2k]

What the hell is up with this obsession WWE has developed with handicap matches lately?

Good question.

it's all a big plot. once Cena wins the title from Orton, 2 isn't enough, he wants more. he gets a handicap match with BRhodes for the titles, then he wins the rumble and defends against himself. beats the streak while at it.

#CENAWINSLOL