Super Baker’s Dozen Spectacular
August 6th, 2023
The Super Special Awesome Dome, Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe, in 200 languages and American dialects
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac d. “The Arab Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. via pinfall after hitting Rest In Pieses (Tombstone Piledriver) in the dark match
At the start of the show Jay Briscoe and Mark Briscoe attacked #1 contender to the SSAW Global Warrior Championship, Francis Barbecue backstage.
Neil Furious and Hammer Maniac drew, when the time limit expired, they were both near verbally submitted to each other’s submission maneuvers. (Neil had a Boston Crab, Maniac had a Two-Handed Testicular Claw) They shook hands afterward.
“The Submission Warrior” Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) was with “The Present Warrior” Vio Lent (Tyler Black) backstage, they joked about Andy Ridge’s alcohol problem, and informed us that in the future there will be no need for that crud.
“The Present Warrior” Vio Lent (Tyler Black) d. “SSAW Original” Chucky Blaze via pinfall after hitting God’s Last Gift to retain the SSAW Lightweight Warrior Championship, after the match Vio Lent and Exe Cution surrounded Blaze, Vio Lent took a slender piece of masking tape out from his trunks while Exe Cution held Blaze’s arms down. Ridge climbed over the barricade and knocked down Vio Lent with a Yakuza Kick before he could put the tape on Blaze’s face. Andy chased them off and picked up a microphone he said he was going to ditch his bad habits and go to rehab, and when he comes back he will take his championship from Vio Lent.
“The Agent” Mild Walsh was with “Blockbuster” Kyle O’Reilly, Walsh explained that tonight Jimmy Jacobs being the biggest bully in SSAW will come to an end. He said that in the submission match next Kyle will make Jimmy tap like a beach when he puts him in the Guillotine and makes him cough blood, just like the bullies Shawn Daivari and Jeremy Madrox did.
“Blockbuster” Kyle O’Reilly d. “The Emo Warrior” Jimmy Jacobs when Jacobs tapped like a beach to the Guillotine after the match Jacobs coughed blood onto the referee while Walsh and O’Reilly celebrated.
“The People’s Super Awesome Comish.” The Rock came from the back with a sullen look, he said due to an attack backstage that happened at the start of the show, Francis Barbecue will not be able to compete tonight, and with Gene Barbecue currently on leave he will be forced to change tonight’s main event, and vacate the SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championships. The new champions will be determined next, and the two teams will be drawn out of a hat. RIGHT NOW. The Briscoe Brothers were pulled out first, then the team of DH Smith and TJP. And who’s challenging the Global Warrior Champion? He states that’s a surprise.
“Stardust” Mark Briscoe and “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe d. “The Canadian Bulldog” David Hart Smith and “Lightning Quick” TJP via pinfall after Mark hit DH Smith with Shooting Stardust (Shooting Star Press), to win the vacant SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championships, Smith grabbed a microphone after the match and called out Exe Cution, he said he is an imposter and that there is only one David Hart Smith. A solar panel falls from the dome and lands on DH, our ringside medic tends to DH as we move on to our main event.
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett d. “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute via pinfall after he reversed Torrential Tri Bute (Choke Slam) into a Spike DDT to retain the SSAW Global Warrior Championship. JBC kissed the belt and took the microphone.
“Guys, let’s have a round of applause for Tri Bute, he did his best. Sure, I kicked his butt tonight, and I kicked his butt last time at TLC 2, and I kicked his butt at the 150th Show Spectacular, and I kicked his butt the other two times as well. He did his best though. How did he get the shot tonight anyway?”
Tri Bute gets up, and stares coldly at JBC, he doesn’t find this amusing. He steps forward and shoves JBC, and snatches the microphone from JBC.
“Shut the flip up. I get your point, you think I suck, that I’m a wash-up who’s past his prime. I’m before my prime, and we’re talking 10000 years before my prime, you have no idea what I’m going to do in the future, and when we get there everyone will forget you Johnny Boy, when my great-grandfather taught me about the greatest SSAW GLOBAL WARRIOR champions of all time, he told me all about “The Conqueror” Michael Elgin, all about “Murder, Kill, Death” Cactus Flanders, all about SPOILER ALERT “Never Forget” “Blockbuster” “Loveless” Kyle O’Reilly, but nothing about “Bear What?” John Boy Snorbett (BURN!~), your title reign is nothing.
AND THEN, when my great-granddad was done I went out that door, trained my flipping hardest and 10 years later on my 20th Birthday, August 9th 10,020 at the Super 8010 Year Spectacular, I won the Key of Destiny Match, I unlocked the Box of Truth, after solving the Ancient Riddle of Zorc, and I unlocked the greatest prize of all time, that match was the final battle in our War Against the Zondian Truth Bots, and that match that saved the Earth from flipping dangnation made my career marked my destiny and I became the Inagural SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion. And I carried the belt for 15 years destroying the best fighters across the universe. I’ve wrestled matches on the moon, Sol, Uranus, Saturn, and I made Chuck Norris my beach when I laid him in Honolulu.
On my 35th birthday some Zondian Truth Bots kidnapped me and I had to vacate the title. The rebellion was rising again; they left me to starve 40 light years away in some distant planet while they built up their army that would take over the Earth, and then the rest of the tri-galaxy. I ate dirt. And lots of it, I could feel it inside my body. I searched all over the planet for civilization, a rocket, anything to eat besides dirt, but all I’ve ever found were ashes. The Zondian Truth Bots burned everything down. I curled up in a ball and thought about my 15 years as King of the Universe, all the women I forced, all the children I enslaved, all the baby seals I clubbed, all the dukes I STABBED in the back in the name of Zeusrion the creator, all the men I de-weinerfied and most of all my great-grandfather I sent to the gallows because his shirt was too similar to mine.
I had to get it back, JBC. So I stated digging and out of just dirt and ashes I made a functional plane and I flew back to Earth, but I was too late the Zondian, Ali En was the new king after defeating Mac Ncheese, in a Key of Destiny Match. They took over, those dirty baskets and freed my slaves, re-weinerfied my men, and used a revival spell to bring back my great-granddad. ALL WAS LOST. I had to start all over, I almost put a Psy-Bullet in the Pink of my head, but then I realized there’s nothing better than starting all over again. So I apologized for all the people I hurt they let me wrestle again, and I went on to become King 7,999 more times each reign was longer than the last, but I never quite got to 15 years again. Every time I became King again I sentenced my great-granddad to death and they kept bringing him back, I had his body parts buried in different deserts all across the universe, but when I was dethroned they always found them.
The 8000th Time, I entered his hut while riding my Heelies, but he knew I was coming. But this time I wasn’t going to kill him.
I was going to murder his flippin’ face off, rip him limb from limb. I was going to have my child slaves send him 40 light years away to some distant planet with nothing but dirt the same one I was sent to all those years ago, and he would never find his way back, for he is not as crafty as I. He can’t make planes like I can, He never wrestled on Sol like I’ve down thousands of times.
He wasn’t in his hut that day. I found a note on his bed it read,
“Dear, Tri Bute
I’ve seen enough of life, and I’ve seen enough of death, I’ve been to heck and back several times, I’ve also been to heaven, but just once. Last time, they brought me back against my wishes I wanted to stay but they took me out. I know you’ll keep searching for me, but I’m sure if you find me and kill me I will go back, waiting for you to come out of power and be brought back to live here again, while you seek me out again, it will never end Butey. Why do you want to kill the man who made you love wrestling, who made you King of the Universe, through my guidance? Is it really that shirt thing you claim?”
I stopped reading there, I didn’t want to here anymore, he’s acting like he didn’t deserve to die? It’s the law; NO ONE wears clothes like me EVER. I have my own unique style, and he was trying to mooch off of my SWAG, I don’t care if you’re family. I don’t care what you teach me. I don’t care that you take credit for MY accomplishments. I ripped the note into 15 pieces then burned down his hut, and then the next hut, and then the next hut. I went home and killed all my slaves, shot all my wives DEAD with Psy-Bullets sent all the priests to the gallows and officially banned fun throughout the universe.
But, that wasn’t enough to teach my great-granddad a lesson.
So I came here to destroy SSAW, and change the course of history. Go flip yourself Johnny.”
Tri Bute kicked JBC in the nuts and he fell over clutching them.
“Holy Flip!” shouts Johnny Buckson!
The scene fades to black.
13 Years In, Over 7976 To Go
BSAGZ 14 - "Trap Card Activation"
Dear Diary,
I flippin’ went off on JBC that August night. I was under a lot of pressure, getting my butt kicked to heck and back isn’t really my style, when JBC broke my undefeated streak the first time I fought him, it crushed my guts.
Not to long ago, I realized something odd. As a kid I always knew I would go back in time at one point, since grand-dad told me there was a guy named Tri Bute back in the past, and he was a great Global Warrior Champion, better than Kyle O’Reilly and Flanders, I wasn’t named after this guy, I was this guy, the guy who claimed to be an 8000 time champ of a belt that hadn’t been invented yet. It was my destiny to go back in time and take the past.
But what’s happening now isn’t what grand-dad said happened or I would of won the Global Warrior belt like 6 or 7 months ago, then lost it to JBC again. Something is interfering with the past. Nothing is going as planned. Flip this on the 9/11 tri bute show I dine on TJ Perkins some loser who is almost a triple crown champion or something. What he doesn’t know, is that I have a trap waiting for him, and as soon as he flip summons, normal summons or special summons, I’m flipping it over. At Bloodshed At Ground Zero 14, I’m activating Torrential Tri Bute and there’s nothing Perky can do to stop me.
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Bloodshed At Ground Zero 14
September 11th 2023
The Other Super Special Awesome Dome, New York, New York and broadcasted across the globe in 260 languages and American dialects!
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac defeated Austin Creed, when he hit Creed with Sweet Cancer Music (Superkick) and pinned his shoulders for three in the dark match.
In the opening PPV bout, “No Gimmick Needed” Shane Matthews went up against “Mr. Super Kick” Matt Vaughn in a #1 contender match, the winner facing whoever walks out of tonight’s main event as champion for the SSAW Global Warrior Championship at Centre City Slam 14 next month. Matthews was accompanied to the ring by “Unbreakable” Michael Elgin and his girlfriend the former commissioner Akira Criss. Elgin and Criss distracted the referee and helped Matthews cheat throughout the match. It finally came to a close when Criss distracted the referee while Shane punched Matt Vaughn in the dock several times and rolled him up for a three count while tugging the tights. Shane Matthews and the rest of No Gimmick Needed headed to the back before Vaughn could do anything about Shane’s cheating.
“The 8000 Time King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute comes out from the back with a microphone and talks butt about TJ Perkins, then says something about the trap card he set last turn. “Let’s just say, it wouldn’t be a good idea to Normal Summon, Flip Summon, or Special Summon”, Tri Bute rolls into the ring and “Lightning Quick” TJP runs out and all the fan girls start screaming. As soon as TJP enters the ring he starts kicking butt. As the match continues Tri Bute takes over locking in advanced fighting technique submission maneuvers from the future, one includes tickling Perkins’ belly with a feather. The crowd gets behind TJP and he is able to elbow out of the hold, but Tri Bute crushes his comeback just as quickly with a Deadlift German Suplex for a nearfall. Tri Bute pulls TJP to his feet, but Perkins tries to push away so Butey pokes his eyes. The referee gives him a warning for that. Butey decides to throw TJP into the referee. As the referee falls to the ground Tri Bute pretends this wasn’t his intention and asks the referee if he is all right. The referee doesn’t answer and Butey checks his pulse to make sure his hecklacious throw TJP into the referee move didn’t kill him. He has a heart beat, that’s great! Tri Bute picks up a stone chair from ringside and smashes it over TJP’s head. WWE just recently banned stone chair shots to the head and we like to show how edgy we are and have at least 1 every show. Tri Bute goes for the pin on TJP while the referee is regaining consciousness, but Teej kicks out at the one after uno. Butey spits in TJP’s face, and chains with Dark Bribe allowing TJP to draw one card but negating the effect of his “Resiliency”. Tri Bute lifts TJP to his feet and grabs him by the neck and screams “YOU’VE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD BEACH” and hits him with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam), Butey pins Teej and puts a leg on the rope for some extra leverage. The referee is too out of it to see this and counts the three giving Tri Bute the victory.
Johnny Buckson: Oh Flip, Ship, ship, what is Butey doing now?
Tri Bute pulls out a piece of masking tape from his tights.
Jonathan Gold: He’s going for the tape, he’s done this to his opponents before this is what made Tyler Black “Vio Lent”, this is what made David Hart Smith “Exe Cution”.
Tri Bute inches forward with the tape but then JBC’s music plays.
“I AM A COWBOY!
I LIKE DA RODEO
I AM A COWBOY!
MILKIN’ DEM COWS ALLS I NOSE
I AM A COWBOY!
NASSCAR’S SO A SPORT
I AM A COWBOY!
TEEM MCGRAW IS SWART
I AM A COWBOY!
AND MY HORSIE IS PET ART
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-
HAW”
Johnny Buckson: He’s got a stone chair! That. Can’t. Be. Com. For. Table.!
Tri Bute tries to stick “Bear Skin” JBC with the tape, but he blocks it with the chair, and then clocks him with it. JBC holds up the SSAW Global Warrior Championship in all the corners while all the fan girls scream “JBC”. Butey rolls over to TJP and says that he knew he should’ve chained something to his “Reinforcements”. John Boy Corbett heads to the back to get ready for his main event match against “Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge.
“The Agent” Mild Walsh is backstage with “Blockbuster” Kyle O’Reilly, Walsh says that O’Reilly will face off against “The American Wolf” Davey Richards next in a nice clean match up and talks about how O’Reilly is already an icon in SSAW, how he is already a Hall of Famer and he is only 35 years old. He says that Kyle O’Reilly is already a two time SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion. O’Reilly takes the microphone from Walsh.
“Richards is my friend, I remember when we were Team Ambition for a little bit and we won the WWE Tag Team Championships together. I remember when we teamed up together in the Never In Your Wildest Dreams 6-Man-Tag. I’ve learned a lot from him, he’s a great friend and I’m glad I’ll have the honor of facing him next.”
“Loveless” Kyle O’Reilly takes on “The American Wolf” Davey Richards in the opening moments Richards offers to shake hands with Kyle, but he instead gets some spit in his face and a kick to the chest.
Jonathon Gold: Well that was rude; normally Ky-Ky doesn’t act like this.
And so the kick war begins, there are at least seventy-five stiff kicks then O’Reilly hits Richards with a Brainbuster for a near fall. O’Reilly slaps the top of Richards’ head as he gets to his feet.
Johnny Buckson: O’Reilly sure has developed a mean-streak in this match, Walsh seems mad at ringside; he has always been about sportsmanship! Maybe he thinks O’Reilly is smearing dodo all over the Walsh Brand, Jon.
O’Reilly locks in an Armbar and puts his feet over the ropes for leverage, Walsh can’t take this anymore.
“My client is cheating!”, Walsh shouts as he hops up onto the apron. “He is soiling the good name of pro wrestling!”
Using this to his advantage, O’Reilly kicks Richards in the nuts and rolls Richards onto his back while tugging the tights. The referee counts the three allowing O’Reilly to pick up the victory. Kyle ditches the ring before Davey Richards can get to his feet, but Walsh rolls into the ring and apologizes for his client’s rude behavior.
Next, the SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championship is on the line, when “Stardust” Mark Briscoe and “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe take on Technical Disaster, the team of Neil Furious and Hammer Maniac. After a dodged Rolling Closeline, Neil locks in the Full Neil.
Johnny Buckson: The Briscoes might lose the belts right here! Marky looks like he’s gon’ tap!
Hammer Maniac leaps into the ring and hits a Rolling Double Knee Facebuster to Mark. Neil covers him for a two count! Jay comes in and hits Furious with a Lungblower! Jay and Hammer run at each other, and both attempt Double Knee Facebusters at the same time.
Jonathon Gold: Oh shiz! It’s a stalemate!
Johnny Buckson: Like with horses Jon?
Jonathon Gold: Nah, that would be a stablemate. I’m not even sure if that’s a thing!
Mark hits Furious with a Superkick and then climbs up to the top rope. Mark leaps off and hits the SHOOTING STAR PRESS! The referee counts to three and the match is over, The Briscoes are still the champs!
We see Exe Cution and Vio Lent backstage, Vio Lent has the Lightweight Warrior belt across his shoulder. They both have pieces of masking tape on their heads.
“So, Andy Ridge gets a shot at the SSAW Global Warrior title tonight?”, Cution began. “Hmmm, I thought he was suppose to be in rehab. This is all The Rock’s fault.”, Cution does an impression of The Rock, “Hmmm, what should be the main event tonight, Vio Lent maybe? No he’s too smart, sexy, and powerful to get a shot, everyone needs to think I’m the best still, um wait, this guy does heroine and crack? Let’s send him to rehab some other time he’s facing JBC TONIGHT!”. It’s a really good impression.
“The Rock is jealous of me, and jealous of my power”, Vio Lent says, “He doesn’t need to envy me more, Exe, if I walked out of the main event with the belt, he’d get even more jelly. I don’t blame him honestly. Exe and I will just make sure that Ridge is in good company, we’ll be at ringside.”
Ozzy Chase walks by then notices Exe Cution and Vio Lent. He hands them two slips of paper.
“It’s from The Rock! You guys are banned from ringside.”
“Gosh dangit!” shouts Exe Cution, “Now what are we going to do?”
“Nothing”, Vio Lent laughs evilly.
We now cut to Johnny Buckson and the other announcer. “Holy butt, it’s already time for our MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!”.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW
“The champ is here, Johnny! The champ is here! He is a beautiful man!”
John Boy Corbett slides into the ring, and the crowd goes absolutely nuts!
KICK IT
“And here comes Andy Ridge!”, Vio Lent comes out of nowhere and floors Ridge with the Lightweight Warrior Championship Title. Vio Lent gives the crowd double in a bad ways (that’s something people do in the future).
“He is on the ramp! That means he will face no repercussions!” says Buckson.
“He’s an evil genious! Yes I added an o in there, I GOT EXITED” says Gold.
“THIS MOMENT HAS MADE ME PRONENCE WORDS WRONG ON PORPOISE“ screams Buckson!
“Why Mr. Lent? Why would you do this to Ridgy, Mr. Yakuza Kick is my FAVORITE super mirror image megaultra star?” Vio Lent says, “Flip you Draco, that’s why. How’s that for a happy thought?”. “You girls in the audience are all pansy, loser, butterface, HORSES. BUT I DON’T discriminate, BUT I DO hate you. Your in my world now Andy boy, beach boy Ridgy, girls pants BUTT TRUMPET. THIS IS THE SOUND YOUR BUTT MAKES!”
Lent starts making farting noises.
The referee calls for the bell and ring announcer Troy Stone says that the referee has come to a decision, “Your winner, via disqualification, Andy Ridge, HOWEVER, belts don’t change like that so John Boy Corbett is still champ!”
JBC runs up the ramp to attack Vio Lent but Lent escapes in a smoke cloud. When the smoke clears, Tri Bute appears and hits JBC with a spinning Big Boot. “NICE FLIP SUMMON ATTEMPT!” Tri Bute hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) and spits on JBC as the scene fades to black.
“That’s pretty flippin’ gee that a match can end before it even starts, all the peeps who paid for this shiz got ripped the flip off.” says Buckson as we go off the air.
9/12/23
SSAW.com posted an excerpt from the past article last night. It detailed their first event and included a video of the “best part”
Youtube Video Summary For Those In New Virginia X where this video is blocked due to “Graphic Violence” which I think is bullshiz because the whole point of the Internet is to be as edgy as possible always.
“Brain Damage Interrupts Pre-Show JibberJabber (SSAW 11 Bad Things, 8/2/10)
“Tonight Will Be A Night of TERROR” – Batman, from “Holy Musical Batman”
Brain Damage interrupted Stone when scary music started playing, he pushed a shopping cart filled with florescent light tubes to the ring and parked it on the apron. Stone pisses himself and runs away. Damage rolls into the ring and pulls a light tube out of the shopping cart. He hits himself in the head with it. Brain Damage picks up the microphone off the ground. “I AM LIKE MICK FOLEY”, Damage takes another light tube out of the shopping cart and hits himself in the head with it. “EXCEPT I AM BETTER”, he takes a third tube out of the cart and smashes it into his head. “SHERMAN TANK IS A WEINER”, Damage takes a fourth light tube out of the cart and hits himself with it. “I AM A WINNER” he does that thing he keeps doing. Then he grabs the sixth and final light tube. “I AM SAVING THIS ONE FOR SHERMAN TANK” Brain Damage leaves the ring with the tube.”
Go on their website for the full results.
59 fatalities of children ages 9 to 11 years old were reported last night all around the world and that number keeps on increasing. All of them watched the SSAW PPV and decided to be like their favorite superstars and be dangerous jug heads. Doug Martyr age 11 was hit in the head 45 times with a stone chair; he died on the 11th one. His little sister is being charged with Murder. Judge Marks says the 9 year old will be tried as an adult. The families capitalizing on their children’s death to make a quick buck have filed a class action lawsuit.
9/15/23
Judge Sapphire has dismissed the class action lawsuit on SSAW from the families of the children who died because of their sick, perverse, silly, dumb, gee, pay per view, saying it was “Bull Butt” and the kids “Weren’t raised correctly” and “Deserved to die”.
The President had an interview where he challenged Judge Sapphire to a fight. He said one of his kids died because of that sick, twisted, perverse, rape-encouraging program and that he needed some money. This gave a clue at The President’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.
9/45/23
POP (Pee’d Off Parents), an organization against the senseless murder of children ages 9 to 11, has decided to picket the next SSAW event Centre City Slam 14. The head of the organization had this to say. “My kid died because you used stone chairs on that show, so flip you guys” as you can tell he is certainly pee’d off. This also gave a clue at the head of POP’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.
Here is the announced card for Centre City Slam 14
SSAW Global Warrior Championship
John Boy Corbett © vs. Shane Matthews /w Akira Criss and Michael Elgin
The show is tomorrow and they are really upping their game, they are saying the show will be available in 350 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
I flippin’ went off on JBC that August night. I was under a lot of pressure, getting my butt kicked to heck and back isn’t really my style, when JBC broke my undefeated streak the first time I fought him, it crushed my guts.
Not to long ago, I realized something odd. As a kid I always knew I would go back in time at one point, since grand-dad told me there was a guy named Tri Bute back in the past, and he was a great Global Warrior Champion, better than Kyle O’Reilly and Flanders, I wasn’t named after this guy, I was this guy, the guy who claimed to be an 8000 time champ of a belt that hadn’t been invented yet. It was my destiny to go back in time and take the past.
But what’s happening now isn’t what grand-dad said happened or I would of won the Global Warrior belt like 6 or 7 months ago, then lost it to JBC again. Something is interfering with the past. Nothing is going as planned. Flip this on the 9/11 tri bute show I dine on TJ Perkins some loser who is almost a triple crown champion or something. What he doesn’t know, is that I have a trap waiting for him, and as soon as he flip summons, normal summons or special summons, I’m flipping it over. At Bloodshed At Ground Zero 14, I’m activating Torrential Tri Bute and there’s nothing Perky can do to stop me.
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Bloodshed At Ground Zero 14
September 11th 2023
The Other Super Special Awesome Dome, New York, New York and broadcasted across the globe in 260 languages and American dialects!
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac defeated Austin Creed, when he hit Creed with Sweet Cancer Music (Superkick) and pinned his shoulders for three in the dark match.
In the opening PPV bout, “No Gimmick Needed” Shane Matthews went up against “Mr. Super Kick” Matt Vaughn in a #1 contender match, the winner facing whoever walks out of tonight’s main event as champion for the SSAW Global Warrior Championship at Centre City Slam 14 next month. Matthews was accompanied to the ring by “Unbreakable” Michael Elgin and his girlfriend the former commissioner Akira Criss. Elgin and Criss distracted the referee and helped Matthews cheat throughout the match. It finally came to a close when Criss distracted the referee while Shane punched Matt Vaughn in the dock several times and rolled him up for a three count while tugging the tights. Shane Matthews and the rest of No Gimmick Needed headed to the back before Vaughn could do anything about Shane’s cheating.
“The 8000 Time King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute comes out from the back with a microphone and talks butt about TJ Perkins, then says something about the trap card he set last turn. “Let’s just say, it wouldn’t be a good idea to Normal Summon, Flip Summon, or Special Summon”, Tri Bute rolls into the ring and “Lightning Quick” TJP runs out and all the fan girls start screaming. As soon as TJP enters the ring he starts kicking butt. As the match continues Tri Bute takes over locking in advanced fighting technique submission maneuvers from the future, one includes tickling Perkins’ belly with a feather. The crowd gets behind TJP and he is able to elbow out of the hold, but Tri Bute crushes his comeback just as quickly with a Deadlift German Suplex for a nearfall. Tri Bute pulls TJP to his feet, but Perkins tries to push away so Butey pokes his eyes. The referee gives him a warning for that. Butey decides to throw TJP into the referee. As the referee falls to the ground Tri Bute pretends this wasn’t his intention and asks the referee if he is all right. The referee doesn’t answer and Butey checks his pulse to make sure his hecklacious throw TJP into the referee move didn’t kill him. He has a heart beat, that’s great! Tri Bute picks up a stone chair from ringside and smashes it over TJP’s head. WWE just recently banned stone chair shots to the head and we like to show how edgy we are and have at least 1 every show. Tri Bute goes for the pin on TJP while the referee is regaining consciousness, but Teej kicks out at the one after uno. Butey spits in TJP’s face, and chains with Dark Bribe allowing TJP to draw one card but negating the effect of his “Resiliency”. Tri Bute lifts TJP to his feet and grabs him by the neck and screams “YOU’VE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD BEACH” and hits him with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam), Butey pins Teej and puts a leg on the rope for some extra leverage. The referee is too out of it to see this and counts the three giving Tri Bute the victory.
Johnny Buckson: Oh Flip, Ship, ship, what is Butey doing now?
Tri Bute pulls out a piece of masking tape from his tights.
Jonathan Gold: He’s going for the tape, he’s done this to his opponents before this is what made Tyler Black “Vio Lent”, this is what made David Hart Smith “Exe Cution”.
Tri Bute inches forward with the tape but then JBC’s music plays.
“I AM A COWBOY!
I LIKE DA RODEO
I AM A COWBOY!
MILKIN’ DEM COWS ALLS I NOSE
I AM A COWBOY!
NASSCAR’S SO A SPORT
I AM A COWBOY!
TEEM MCGRAW IS SWART
I AM A COWBOY!
AND MY HORSIE IS PET ART
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-
HAW”
Johnny Buckson: He’s got a stone chair! That. Can’t. Be. Com. For. Table.!
Tri Bute tries to stick “Bear Skin” JBC with the tape, but he blocks it with the chair, and then clocks him with it. JBC holds up the SSAW Global Warrior Championship in all the corners while all the fan girls scream “JBC”. Butey rolls over to TJP and says that he knew he should’ve chained something to his “Reinforcements”. John Boy Corbett heads to the back to get ready for his main event match against “Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge.
“The Agent” Mild Walsh is backstage with “Blockbuster” Kyle O’Reilly, Walsh says that O’Reilly will face off against “The American Wolf” Davey Richards next in a nice clean match up and talks about how O’Reilly is already an icon in SSAW, how he is already a Hall of Famer and he is only 35 years old. He says that Kyle O’Reilly is already a two time SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion. O’Reilly takes the microphone from Walsh.
“Richards is my friend, I remember when we were Team Ambition for a little bit and we won the WWE Tag Team Championships together. I remember when we teamed up together in the Never In Your Wildest Dreams 6-Man-Tag. I’ve learned a lot from him, he’s a great friend and I’m glad I’ll have the honor of facing him next.”
“Loveless” Kyle O’Reilly takes on “The American Wolf” Davey Richards in the opening moments Richards offers to shake hands with Kyle, but he instead gets some spit in his face and a kick to the chest.
Jonathon Gold: Well that was rude; normally Ky-Ky doesn’t act like this.
And so the kick war begins, there are at least seventy-five stiff kicks then O’Reilly hits Richards with a Brainbuster for a near fall. O’Reilly slaps the top of Richards’ head as he gets to his feet.
Johnny Buckson: O’Reilly sure has developed a mean-streak in this match, Walsh seems mad at ringside; he has always been about sportsmanship! Maybe he thinks O’Reilly is smearing dodo all over the Walsh Brand, Jon.
O’Reilly locks in an Armbar and puts his feet over the ropes for leverage, Walsh can’t take this anymore.
“My client is cheating!”, Walsh shouts as he hops up onto the apron. “He is soiling the good name of pro wrestling!”
Using this to his advantage, O’Reilly kicks Richards in the nuts and rolls Richards onto his back while tugging the tights. The referee counts the three allowing O’Reilly to pick up the victory. Kyle ditches the ring before Davey Richards can get to his feet, but Walsh rolls into the ring and apologizes for his client’s rude behavior.
Next, the SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championship is on the line, when “Stardust” Mark Briscoe and “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe take on Technical Disaster, the team of Neil Furious and Hammer Maniac. After a dodged Rolling Closeline, Neil locks in the Full Neil.
Johnny Buckson: The Briscoes might lose the belts right here! Marky looks like he’s gon’ tap!
Hammer Maniac leaps into the ring and hits a Rolling Double Knee Facebuster to Mark. Neil covers him for a two count! Jay comes in and hits Furious with a Lungblower! Jay and Hammer run at each other, and both attempt Double Knee Facebusters at the same time.
Jonathon Gold: Oh shiz! It’s a stalemate!
Johnny Buckson: Like with horses Jon?
Jonathon Gold: Nah, that would be a stablemate. I’m not even sure if that’s a thing!
Mark hits Furious with a Superkick and then climbs up to the top rope. Mark leaps off and hits the SHOOTING STAR PRESS! The referee counts to three and the match is over, The Briscoes are still the champs!
We see Exe Cution and Vio Lent backstage, Vio Lent has the Lightweight Warrior belt across his shoulder. They both have pieces of masking tape on their heads.
“So, Andy Ridge gets a shot at the SSAW Global Warrior title tonight?”, Cution began. “Hmmm, I thought he was suppose to be in rehab. This is all The Rock’s fault.”, Cution does an impression of The Rock, “Hmmm, what should be the main event tonight, Vio Lent maybe? No he’s too smart, sexy, and powerful to get a shot, everyone needs to think I’m the best still, um wait, this guy does heroine and crack? Let’s send him to rehab some other time he’s facing JBC TONIGHT!”. It’s a really good impression.
“The Rock is jealous of me, and jealous of my power”, Vio Lent says, “He doesn’t need to envy me more, Exe, if I walked out of the main event with the belt, he’d get even more jelly. I don’t blame him honestly. Exe and I will just make sure that Ridge is in good company, we’ll be at ringside.”
Ozzy Chase walks by then notices Exe Cution and Vio Lent. He hands them two slips of paper.
“It’s from The Rock! You guys are banned from ringside.”
“Gosh dangit!” shouts Exe Cution, “Now what are we going to do?”
“Nothing”, Vio Lent laughs evilly.
We now cut to Johnny Buckson and the other announcer. “Holy butt, it’s already time for our MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!”.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW
“The champ is here, Johnny! The champ is here! He is a beautiful man!”
John Boy Corbett slides into the ring, and the crowd goes absolutely nuts!
KICK IT
“And here comes Andy Ridge!”, Vio Lent comes out of nowhere and floors Ridge with the Lightweight Warrior Championship Title. Vio Lent gives the crowd double in a bad ways (that’s something people do in the future).
“He is on the ramp! That means he will face no repercussions!” says Buckson.
“He’s an evil genious! Yes I added an o in there, I GOT EXITED” says Gold.
“THIS MOMENT HAS MADE ME PRONENCE WORDS WRONG ON PORPOISE“ screams Buckson!
“Why Mr. Lent? Why would you do this to Ridgy, Mr. Yakuza Kick is my FAVORITE super mirror image megaultra star?” Vio Lent says, “Flip you Draco, that’s why. How’s that for a happy thought?”. “You girls in the audience are all pansy, loser, butterface, HORSES. BUT I DON’T discriminate, BUT I DO hate you. Your in my world now Andy boy, beach boy Ridgy, girls pants BUTT TRUMPET. THIS IS THE SOUND YOUR BUTT MAKES!”
Lent starts making farting noises.
The referee calls for the bell and ring announcer Troy Stone says that the referee has come to a decision, “Your winner, via disqualification, Andy Ridge, HOWEVER, belts don’t change like that so John Boy Corbett is still champ!”
JBC runs up the ramp to attack Vio Lent but Lent escapes in a smoke cloud. When the smoke clears, Tri Bute appears and hits JBC with a spinning Big Boot. “NICE FLIP SUMMON ATTEMPT!” Tri Bute hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) and spits on JBC as the scene fades to black.
“That’s pretty flippin’ gee that a match can end before it even starts, all the peeps who paid for this shiz got ripped the flip off.” says Buckson as we go off the air.
9/12/23
SSAW.com posted an excerpt from the past article last night. It detailed their first event and included a video of the “best part”
Youtube Video Summary For Those In New Virginia X where this video is blocked due to “Graphic Violence” which I think is bullshiz because the whole point of the Internet is to be as edgy as possible always.
“Brain Damage Interrupts Pre-Show JibberJabber (SSAW 11 Bad Things, 8/2/10)
“Tonight Will Be A Night of TERROR” – Batman, from “Holy Musical Batman”
Brain Damage interrupted Stone when scary music started playing, he pushed a shopping cart filled with florescent light tubes to the ring and parked it on the apron. Stone pisses himself and runs away. Damage rolls into the ring and pulls a light tube out of the shopping cart. He hits himself in the head with it. Brain Damage picks up the microphone off the ground. “I AM LIKE MICK FOLEY”, Damage takes another light tube out of the shopping cart and hits himself in the head with it. “EXCEPT I AM BETTER”, he takes a third tube out of the cart and smashes it into his head. “SHERMAN TANK IS A WEINER”, Damage takes a fourth light tube out of the cart and hits himself with it. “I AM A WINNER” he does that thing he keeps doing. Then he grabs the sixth and final light tube. “I AM SAVING THIS ONE FOR SHERMAN TANK” Brain Damage leaves the ring with the tube.”
Go on their website for the full results.
59 fatalities of children ages 9 to 11 years old were reported last night all around the world and that number keeps on increasing. All of them watched the SSAW PPV and decided to be like their favorite superstars and be dangerous jug heads. Doug Martyr age 11 was hit in the head 45 times with a stone chair; he died on the 11th one. His little sister is being charged with Murder. Judge Marks says the 9 year old will be tried as an adult. The families capitalizing on their children’s death to make a quick buck have filed a class action lawsuit.
9/15/23
Judge Sapphire has dismissed the class action lawsuit on SSAW from the families of the children who died because of their sick, perverse, silly, dumb, gee, pay per view, saying it was “Bull Butt” and the kids “Weren’t raised correctly” and “Deserved to die”.
The President had an interview where he challenged Judge Sapphire to a fight. He said one of his kids died because of that sick, twisted, perverse, rape-encouraging program and that he needed some money. This gave a clue at The President’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.
9/45/23
POP (Pee’d Off Parents), an organization against the senseless murder of children ages 9 to 11, has decided to picket the next SSAW event Centre City Slam 14. The head of the organization had this to say. “My kid died because you used stone chairs on that show, so flip you guys” as you can tell he is certainly pee’d off. This also gave a clue at the head of POP’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.
Here is the announced card for Centre City Slam 14
SSAW Global Warrior Championship
John Boy Corbett © vs. Shane Matthews /w Akira Criss and Michael Elgin
The show is tomorrow and they are really upping their game, they are saying the show will be available in 350 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
"Encouraging Rope"
Dear Diary,
There is just this feeling inside my body. It feels good. I woke up on time today for the first time. I think I have finally found my purpose in this crazy, crazy world and this feeling is the drive.
AND I AM GOING TO PUT THE BREAKS ON MY OPPONENTS
By that I mean, I will break their limbs, arms, legs, whatever it takes!
Peace Off,
“The Man Who Does Those Submission Moves” Neil Furious
Dear Diary,
Just got word from that butt head The Rock, he says I have to face some fog for the SSAW Lightweight strap. Does he really think I’m afraid of some nerd who watches Star Wars? I am too smart, sexy, and powerful to drop the belt to someone from this lamebutt primitive time. Tri Bute has taught me every advanced super submission hold he knows and at the end of the night Zack “The LightSaber” Mcdumbface (BURN!~) Jr. cat meat is going done.
Have A Nice Day,
“The Present Warrior” Vio Lent “AKA The Artist Fomerly Known as Tyler Black”
Dear Diary,
The guy I’m facing is really old, I hope I don’t kill him on acc. RIP to the 9 to 11 year olds that died because I used a stone chair. The TV says it is rated TV-Y7 so parents should use discretion when watching are super edgy programs.
I Love You,
SSAW Global Warrior Champion, “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett
Dear Diary,
It’s a Brave New World. 6-Man-Tag action at CCS 14, I’ll be using my advanced move set as usual, I can’t wait until I get my shot at the belt again. I deserve it more than any of you present folks.
I’m from the future and it’s about gosh dang time The Rock realizes this and hands over the belt TO ME! I HAVE TRAPS AND ACES UP MY SLEEVE!
YOUR WORLD IS MINE
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
I love how now that a few kids died because of stone chairs they are trying to get us to stop using them. Weak dude. I’m gonna hit Frightmare with a stone chair tonight and beat him for the title, I guaren flipin’ tee it. See you in heck!
Also, I love how all these parents think they are bad butts now and trying to tell us what to do. If one of the protesters touches me I will have no remore. I’LL SHOCK THE WORLD, YOU’RE KID IS DEAD? WELL UR NXT!
Watch Out,
“The Conqueror” Michael Elgin
Dear Diary,
Davey Richards didn’t show up to my Indy show. So I officially take back my apology. That butt head deserved to get kicked in the balls.
Still, I grounded Kyle, so hopefully he learned from his mistakes and will show his improved behavior against TJP tonight.
Yours truly,
“The Agent” Mild Walsh
Centre City Slam 14
October 1st 2023
The Super Special Awesome Dome, Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe, in 350 languages and American dialects.
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac d. El Hijo Del Pirata Morgan in the dark match after hitting a Scorpio Death Drop (Scorpion Death Drop)
The show starts off with Kyle O’Reilly and Mild Walsh backstage. Mild Walsh says he is very disappointed in Ky-Ky’s behavior so he was grounded and will not be like that. WAIT OCTOBER FOOLS! It turns out Walsh knew Kyle was going to be mean to Davey Richards! “It was actually my idea all along!” says Walsh, it was a huge plot twist.
“Walsh is a bad guy too now? EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE” says Jonathon Gold.
“And now they are walking down the ramp, those sick perverts!” says Buckson.
“I hope TJ kicks this motherflipper’s asinine face in.” says Gold.
LOOK AT THIS STUFF
ISN’T IT NEAT
WOULDN’T YOU THINK MY COLLECTION’S COMPLETE
WOULDN’T YOU THINK I’M THE GIRL
THE GIRL WHO HAS EVERYTHING
TJP runs to the ring and the match begins. TJP hit a bunch of cool highflying moves and it was a really cool match. TJP was about to hit his signature 630 Hurricanrana but O’Reilly threw the referee into him and now the ref is laid out. Mild Walsh rolls into the ring and sprays TJP in the face with mace, then O’Reilly hit TJP in the balls seven or eight times. The referee comes to and O’Reilly is about to make TJP tap to a headlock. Kyle puts a foot on the rope and TJP immediately gives it up hard. The referee raises Kyle’s hand but he pulls away and starts stomping on TJP’s head then gives him double bad ways.
“THAT FLIPPING CHEATER!” yells Buckson.
Our next contest is for the SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship, Frightmare the champion faces off against Michael Elgin!
“Michael Elgin is such a badbutt, Goldy, he was the first SSAW Global Warrior Champion, and tonight he has promised to win the belt! He said he was going to use the stone chair tonight, despite all those kids dieing” says Buckson.
“And he’s pretty sexy too.” says Gold.
When the match begins Elgin goes for a stone chair shot, but the referee takes it from him. Frightmare takes advantage and hits Elgin with a ROLLING KO PUNCH. He then turns around and hits Elgin with a Standing Moonsault he pins him but Elgin kicks out at two. Frightmare hits Elgin with several elbow strikes and tries to pin him again but Elgin kicks out at zero. Elgin pokes Frightmare in the eye and the referee gives him a white card. Elgin tears up the card and throws it at the ground!
“Elgin is such a Dutch bag, Gold”
“The kind you want to carry around and show all you’re friends, Bucky!”
The referee picks up the pieces of paper while Elgin’s manager, Akira Criss, hands him a stone chair! Elgin hits Frightmare in the flipping head!
“He’s so HARDCORE!”
“You only see this kind of EDGY in SSAW!”
Elgin pins Frightmare! The referee hand hits the mat twice! FRIGHTMARE KICKS OUT!
“OH SHIP” says Buckson
“I AM HAVING MULTIPLE ORGANISMS!”
Elgin is visibly super mad! Elgin shouts something mean at Frightmare and kicks him in the face. Elgin grabs the referee by the collar and punches him in the head, but Frightmare comes up behind him and hits a low blow and rolls him up for 3!
We go backstage with Exe Cution and Vio Lent, “Remember when I called all of Andy Ridge’s fans horses? That was so funny, right?” Lent asked Cution. “Yeah, Lenty, you are like the funniest, most charismatic guy I know. THAT beard is so flipping sexy, I have no doubt that you’ll be the greatest SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Champion of all time.” Cution reassures him. “I love you, man” they both say as they hug passionately. “I don’t know though, that Zack Sabre Jr. is pretty great. JUST KIDDING he sucks I have this in a bag!” Lent laughs. Cution and Vio Lent high five!
LOOK AT THESE PEOPE
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
“CUT MY MUSIC” yells Vio Lent as he walks onto the ramp.
The music stops and Vio Lent starts screaming into the microphone.
“Why oh why?” asks Buckson.
“Gosh, what is this?” asks Gold.
“Now that I have your attention I would like to tell you all about “Peg Leg” Andy Rayedge! Get it! He drinks so much rum that he’s like a pirate! So I made his name all piratey!”
Lent wipes a tear away from his eye.
“Anyway, he is puking his guts out in rehab because he does heroine and crack! The Rock finally sent him there. That Andy is such a sissy girl (BURN!~)”. Lent laughs.
“But we didn’t come here to see Ridge or think about little Andy. Tonight my opponent,” Vio Lent points to the ring where Zack Sabre Jr. is standing, “Is from some dumb other country that isn’t even half as cool as ours. IN THE FUTURE, Tri Bute says his dumb stupid country isn’t even around anymore, the Zondian Truth Bots took them out first, second, and third, then they left the fourth part of it for a bit and took it out 19th, because they didn’t want to waste the effort right away. Tri Bute has assured me your people are weak and pathetic and that they always will be.”
Zack gets really pee’d off but the referee holds him back before he hurts anybody. Lent gets in the ring and the bell tolls! They trade submission holds, Lent starts pulling Sabre’s hair and the referee enunciates the 11 count for this behavior. Lent lets go at 9 and steps on Zack’s back! Lent takes a feather out of his pocket.
“Uh oh, this could be one of those advanced submission moves from the future!” shouts Gold!
Lent starts tickling Junior’s tummy with the feather. He may tap right here! Zack lands a kick to the head, which stops the tickle torture, but only for so long. Zack locks in a headlock but Lent fights to his feet and hits a SAITO SUPLEX! The referee begins the 10 count for when both wrestlers are down. THEY BOTH GET UP AT 9! They start trading left hands and right legs at the same time, however Lent punches harder and knocks Sabre into the ropes. Vio pulls out the feather and starts tickling his tummy, even though he is on the ropes Zack verbally submits causing Vio Lent to retain the SSAW Lightweight Warrior Championship!
“Oh man what a night so far!”
“You said it, Walsh was a bad guy all along, Elgin used a stone chair in his match even though 59 kids died because of one of those, and Lent just retained his title.” says Gold.
“I change my mind, nothing positive that mattered happened, sadface” says Buckson.
“Maybe that’ll change! 6-Man Tag action next!”
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute, “Stardust” Mark Briscoe, and “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe took on Neil Furious, Hammer Maniac, and Matt Vaughn, it was the 2nd best 6-Man Tag ever pretty much. One of the Briscoes and Matt Vaughn were in the ring and they traded kicks to the face until Vaughn hit a Super Kick to Briscoe for a nearfall. The Super Kick is his finisher but he tends to hit it 10-25 times per match, in a shoot interview he said it was to keep the fans on their toes. THEN TRI BUTE GETS TAGGED IN! Butey puts all three of his opponents on his shoulders and launches them out of the ring by hitting an Attitude Adjustment onto the top rope.
“Holy crop! I never thought I’d see a Triple Royal Tri Bute!”
“I didn’t even realize “Necrovalley” was active, let alone three of ‘em.”
Mark Briscoe jumps onto the top rope and hits a springboard Shooting Stardust (Shooting Star Press) to the three opponents. “Drillbit” exits the ring and rolls Neil Furious into the ring. Tri Bute does a cutthroat sign and shouts “SHOULDN’T OF FLIP SUMMONED”. Tri Bute proceeds to hit Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam). He could’ve beaten him there but to add insult to injury Tri Bute locks in a Two Handed Testicular Claw, Neil’s own finishing maneuver. Neil is forced to submit. Tri Bute and The Briscoe Brothers group hug in celebration as we head backstage with Akira Criss.
Akira Criss reminds us that “No Gimmick Needed” Shane Matthews won a #1 contender match last month and that he is 6-0 at Centre City Slam events. Shane adds that he was once at the top of the company (but that was like 7 years ago so no one cares anymore). Akira says he’s also the 2nd sexiest hunk of man beef she has ever seen. Shane blushes then gets all cereal and says that his match with JBC will Johnny crying like a girl baby for several years, it will scar him for lyfe with a y, and that it will leave him without a title for the rest of his lyfe with a y again!
“And that match, our MAIN E FLIPPIN’ VENT, is next!”
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW
COWBOY
I LOVE DA RODEO
COWBOY
MILKIN’ DEM COW ALLS I NOSE
COWBOY
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW!!!!11
“John Boy Corbett is here, with his cowboy hat and everything” say Gold.
“He’s the kind of guy you want to chew all of your bubble gum, Goldo!”
Our Main Event begins with JBC getting attacked from behind before the bell tolls by Shane Matthews. Shane Matthews picked up JBC and hit the Dario Effect (Double Underhook DDT) and went for a pin but JBC gets the shoulder up at two. Matthews slaps the mat and then picks him up and hits Dario Effect #2 (Samoan Drop). Matthews climbs to the top rope and shouts “Save your tears for lubrication” as he leaps off, but JBC rolls out of the way and Shane lands on his butt. JBC kicks Shane really hard in the face then stomps on his chest five times and locks in a backbreaker hold. JBC slaps Shane’s chest to the beat of the audience clapping. JBC makes an X with his arms and his the Horseshoe Toss (Inverted Spinning Fallaway Slam) straight from the backbreaker hold. JBC goes for the pin but Akira Criss puts Shane’s foot on the rope causing the break at 2.3. John Boy rolls out of the ring and starts chasing Akira but Michael Elgin, who was on commentary hits JBC with a closeline. The referee is at a count of 5 when JBC gets to his feet and pushes Elgin into the guardrail.
“Johnny better get in the ring quick if he gets counted out he will still keep the title!”
“That wouldn’t be good for him at all?”
JBC is about to get in the ring when Tri Bute grabs his legs from under the ring. The referee gets to 10 and Matthews is declared the winner (he is still laid out from the Horseshoe Toss). Tri Bute and JBC start punching each other in the face but Tri Bute kicks JBC in the stomach and follows up with a Piledriver! Tri Bute rolls into the ring and hits Shane Matthews with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) as Elgin and Criss retreat up the ramp. Tri Bute gets out of the ring, puts on a pair of Brass knucks and punches JBC in the face three times. JBC is bleeding now. Tri Bute takes the microphone out of Troy Stone’s hand.
“Yawn Boy Snorbett (BURN!~), your champion, “Bear What?”, has dawned the crimson mask, your whole world is crumbling around you, this is the third time the show end with me standing over you and the only question I’m asking is when does Tri Bute get his 6th try, his 6th opportunity to mark his destiny and be the man his great granddad told him about? Well now I have an answer. “The People’s Super Awesome Comish” has it in the books, it’s happening November 5th 2023, Open The Awesome Gate 4, “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” vs. “Bear What?” Yawn Girl Snorbett, Return of The Jedi, for the most prestigious title in this time, but this time we aren’t climbing ladders or trying to pin each other.
This time the winner will be the one who breaks the other’s face. It’s a First Blood match. The face that every woman here wants to lick all over will be dismembered, but do you want to know what the best part is? I CAN’T LOSE, there is a reason why I told The Rock it had to be First Blood. I can’t bleed. The theory of Evolution isn’t just a theory Johnny Boy, it’s scientific fact. By the time I was born “blood” hadn’t existed for decades. The skin of humans is much too thick, we die before we bleed. On November 5th your title is MINE! Then SSAW is MINE! Then the world is MINE! CONTACT YOUR LOCAL service PROVIDER!”
Tri Bute spits on JBC.
“BUTT TRUMPET”
Tri Bute starts making farting noises as the scene fades to black.
10/2/12
The fatalities are rolling in from kids hitting each other with stone chairs, 83 deaths this time. Michael Elgin is to blame since he used on stone chair at SSAW’s PPV last night, but he tweeted “if we had more don’t try this at home stuff kids wouldn’t do it”. POP’s head honcho had this to say, “Michael Elgin is a major dock and deserves all the blame for this horrible tragedy. I am pee’d off! Elgin is a serial murderer that should be locked up for his terrible, rope-encouraging actions.” as you can tell he is certainly pee’d off. This also gave a clue at the head of POP’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.
Oklahoma Officials detained Michael Elgin after the event, he is being held at the state penitentiary and has received 14 lashes he is currently being charged with Resisting Arrest and Encouraging Rope.
10/78/12
Elgin’s trial happened, Judge Sapphire dismissed the case since “Encouraging Rope” isn’t against the law.
The President says he want Judge Sapphire to fight him, his other kid died because of Michael Elgin and the sick, perverse behavior he displayed. This also gave a clue at the President’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.
The SSAW PPV, Open The Awesome Gate 4, is only 5 days away, and the card so far is so flippin’ stacked you wouldn’t believe it brah.
SSAW Global Warrior Championship – First Blood Match
John Boy Corbett © vs. Tri Bute
They are saying the show will be available in 398 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
There is just this feeling inside my body. It feels good. I woke up on time today for the first time. I think I have finally found my purpose in this crazy, crazy world and this feeling is the drive.
AND I AM GOING TO PUT THE BREAKS ON MY OPPONENTS
By that I mean, I will break their limbs, arms, legs, whatever it takes!
Peace Off,
“The Man Who Does Those Submission Moves” Neil Furious
Dear Diary,
Just got word from that butt head The Rock, he says I have to face some fog for the SSAW Lightweight strap. Does he really think I’m afraid of some nerd who watches Star Wars? I am too smart, sexy, and powerful to drop the belt to someone from this lamebutt primitive time. Tri Bute has taught me every advanced super submission hold he knows and at the end of the night Zack “The LightSaber” Mcdumbface (BURN!~) Jr. cat meat is going done.
Have A Nice Day,
“The Present Warrior” Vio Lent “AKA The Artist Fomerly Known as Tyler Black”
Dear Diary,
The guy I’m facing is really old, I hope I don’t kill him on acc. RIP to the 9 to 11 year olds that died because I used a stone chair. The TV says it is rated TV-Y7 so parents should use discretion when watching are super edgy programs.
I Love You,
SSAW Global Warrior Champion, “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett
Dear Diary,
It’s a Brave New World. 6-Man-Tag action at CCS 14, I’ll be using my advanced move set as usual, I can’t wait until I get my shot at the belt again. I deserve it more than any of you present folks.
I’m from the future and it’s about gosh dang time The Rock realizes this and hands over the belt TO ME! I HAVE TRAPS AND ACES UP MY SLEEVE!
YOUR WORLD IS MINE
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
I love how now that a few kids died because of stone chairs they are trying to get us to stop using them. Weak dude. I’m gonna hit Frightmare with a stone chair tonight and beat him for the title, I guaren flipin’ tee it. See you in heck!
Also, I love how all these parents think they are bad butts now and trying to tell us what to do. If one of the protesters touches me I will have no remore. I’LL SHOCK THE WORLD, YOU’RE KID IS DEAD? WELL UR NXT!
Watch Out,
“The Conqueror” Michael Elgin
Dear Diary,
Davey Richards didn’t show up to my Indy show. So I officially take back my apology. That butt head deserved to get kicked in the balls.
Still, I grounded Kyle, so hopefully he learned from his mistakes and will show his improved behavior against TJP tonight.
Yours truly,
“The Agent” Mild Walsh
Centre City Slam 14
October 1st 2023
The Super Special Awesome Dome, Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe, in 350 languages and American dialects.
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac d. El Hijo Del Pirata Morgan in the dark match after hitting a Scorpio Death Drop (Scorpion Death Drop)
The show starts off with Kyle O’Reilly and Mild Walsh backstage. Mild Walsh says he is very disappointed in Ky-Ky’s behavior so he was grounded and will not be like that. WAIT OCTOBER FOOLS! It turns out Walsh knew Kyle was going to be mean to Davey Richards! “It was actually my idea all along!” says Walsh, it was a huge plot twist.
“Walsh is a bad guy too now? EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE” says Jonathon Gold.
“And now they are walking down the ramp, those sick perverts!” says Buckson.
“I hope TJ kicks this motherflipper’s asinine face in.” says Gold.
LOOK AT THIS STUFF
ISN’T IT NEAT
WOULDN’T YOU THINK MY COLLECTION’S COMPLETE
WOULDN’T YOU THINK I’M THE GIRL
THE GIRL WHO HAS EVERYTHING
TJP runs to the ring and the match begins. TJP hit a bunch of cool highflying moves and it was a really cool match. TJP was about to hit his signature 630 Hurricanrana but O’Reilly threw the referee into him and now the ref is laid out. Mild Walsh rolls into the ring and sprays TJP in the face with mace, then O’Reilly hit TJP in the balls seven or eight times. The referee comes to and O’Reilly is about to make TJP tap to a headlock. Kyle puts a foot on the rope and TJP immediately gives it up hard. The referee raises Kyle’s hand but he pulls away and starts stomping on TJP’s head then gives him double bad ways.
“THAT FLIPPING CHEATER!” yells Buckson.
Our next contest is for the SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship, Frightmare the champion faces off against Michael Elgin!
“Michael Elgin is such a badbutt, Goldy, he was the first SSAW Global Warrior Champion, and tonight he has promised to win the belt! He said he was going to use the stone chair tonight, despite all those kids dieing” says Buckson.
“And he’s pretty sexy too.” says Gold.
When the match begins Elgin goes for a stone chair shot, but the referee takes it from him. Frightmare takes advantage and hits Elgin with a ROLLING KO PUNCH. He then turns around and hits Elgin with a Standing Moonsault he pins him but Elgin kicks out at two. Frightmare hits Elgin with several elbow strikes and tries to pin him again but Elgin kicks out at zero. Elgin pokes Frightmare in the eye and the referee gives him a white card. Elgin tears up the card and throws it at the ground!
“Elgin is such a Dutch bag, Gold”
“The kind you want to carry around and show all you’re friends, Bucky!”
The referee picks up the pieces of paper while Elgin’s manager, Akira Criss, hands him a stone chair! Elgin hits Frightmare in the flipping head!
“He’s so HARDCORE!”
“You only see this kind of EDGY in SSAW!”
Elgin pins Frightmare! The referee hand hits the mat twice! FRIGHTMARE KICKS OUT!
“OH SHIP” says Buckson
“I AM HAVING MULTIPLE ORGANISMS!”
Elgin is visibly super mad! Elgin shouts something mean at Frightmare and kicks him in the face. Elgin grabs the referee by the collar and punches him in the head, but Frightmare comes up behind him and hits a low blow and rolls him up for 3!
We go backstage with Exe Cution and Vio Lent, “Remember when I called all of Andy Ridge’s fans horses? That was so funny, right?” Lent asked Cution. “Yeah, Lenty, you are like the funniest, most charismatic guy I know. THAT beard is so flipping sexy, I have no doubt that you’ll be the greatest SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Champion of all time.” Cution reassures him. “I love you, man” they both say as they hug passionately. “I don’t know though, that Zack Sabre Jr. is pretty great. JUST KIDDING he sucks I have this in a bag!” Lent laughs. Cution and Vio Lent high five!
LOOK AT THESE PEOPE
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
“CUT MY MUSIC” yells Vio Lent as he walks onto the ramp.
The music stops and Vio Lent starts screaming into the microphone.
“Why oh why?” asks Buckson.
“Gosh, what is this?” asks Gold.
“Now that I have your attention I would like to tell you all about “Peg Leg” Andy Rayedge! Get it! He drinks so much rum that he’s like a pirate! So I made his name all piratey!”
Lent wipes a tear away from his eye.
“Anyway, he is puking his guts out in rehab because he does heroine and crack! The Rock finally sent him there. That Andy is such a sissy girl (BURN!~)”. Lent laughs.
“But we didn’t come here to see Ridge or think about little Andy. Tonight my opponent,” Vio Lent points to the ring where Zack Sabre Jr. is standing, “Is from some dumb other country that isn’t even half as cool as ours. IN THE FUTURE, Tri Bute says his dumb stupid country isn’t even around anymore, the Zondian Truth Bots took them out first, second, and third, then they left the fourth part of it for a bit and took it out 19th, because they didn’t want to waste the effort right away. Tri Bute has assured me your people are weak and pathetic and that they always will be.”
Zack gets really pee’d off but the referee holds him back before he hurts anybody. Lent gets in the ring and the bell tolls! They trade submission holds, Lent starts pulling Sabre’s hair and the referee enunciates the 11 count for this behavior. Lent lets go at 9 and steps on Zack’s back! Lent takes a feather out of his pocket.
“Uh oh, this could be one of those advanced submission moves from the future!” shouts Gold!
Lent starts tickling Junior’s tummy with the feather. He may tap right here! Zack lands a kick to the head, which stops the tickle torture, but only for so long. Zack locks in a headlock but Lent fights to his feet and hits a SAITO SUPLEX! The referee begins the 10 count for when both wrestlers are down. THEY BOTH GET UP AT 9! They start trading left hands and right legs at the same time, however Lent punches harder and knocks Sabre into the ropes. Vio pulls out the feather and starts tickling his tummy, even though he is on the ropes Zack verbally submits causing Vio Lent to retain the SSAW Lightweight Warrior Championship!
“Oh man what a night so far!”
“You said it, Walsh was a bad guy all along, Elgin used a stone chair in his match even though 59 kids died because of one of those, and Lent just retained his title.” says Gold.
“I change my mind, nothing positive that mattered happened, sadface” says Buckson.
“Maybe that’ll change! 6-Man Tag action next!”
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute, “Stardust” Mark Briscoe, and “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe took on Neil Furious, Hammer Maniac, and Matt Vaughn, it was the 2nd best 6-Man Tag ever pretty much. One of the Briscoes and Matt Vaughn were in the ring and they traded kicks to the face until Vaughn hit a Super Kick to Briscoe for a nearfall. The Super Kick is his finisher but he tends to hit it 10-25 times per match, in a shoot interview he said it was to keep the fans on their toes. THEN TRI BUTE GETS TAGGED IN! Butey puts all three of his opponents on his shoulders and launches them out of the ring by hitting an Attitude Adjustment onto the top rope.
“Holy crop! I never thought I’d see a Triple Royal Tri Bute!”
“I didn’t even realize “Necrovalley” was active, let alone three of ‘em.”
Mark Briscoe jumps onto the top rope and hits a springboard Shooting Stardust (Shooting Star Press) to the three opponents. “Drillbit” exits the ring and rolls Neil Furious into the ring. Tri Bute does a cutthroat sign and shouts “SHOULDN’T OF FLIP SUMMONED”. Tri Bute proceeds to hit Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam). He could’ve beaten him there but to add insult to injury Tri Bute locks in a Two Handed Testicular Claw, Neil’s own finishing maneuver. Neil is forced to submit. Tri Bute and The Briscoe Brothers group hug in celebration as we head backstage with Akira Criss.
Akira Criss reminds us that “No Gimmick Needed” Shane Matthews won a #1 contender match last month and that he is 6-0 at Centre City Slam events. Shane adds that he was once at the top of the company (but that was like 7 years ago so no one cares anymore). Akira says he’s also the 2nd sexiest hunk of man beef she has ever seen. Shane blushes then gets all cereal and says that his match with JBC will Johnny crying like a girl baby for several years, it will scar him for lyfe with a y, and that it will leave him without a title for the rest of his lyfe with a y again!
“And that match, our MAIN E FLIPPIN’ VENT, is next!”
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW
COWBOY
I LOVE DA RODEO
COWBOY
MILKIN’ DEM COW ALLS I NOSE
COWBOY
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW!!!!11
“John Boy Corbett is here, with his cowboy hat and everything” say Gold.
“He’s the kind of guy you want to chew all of your bubble gum, Goldo!”
Our Main Event begins with JBC getting attacked from behind before the bell tolls by Shane Matthews. Shane Matthews picked up JBC and hit the Dario Effect (Double Underhook DDT) and went for a pin but JBC gets the shoulder up at two. Matthews slaps the mat and then picks him up and hits Dario Effect #2 (Samoan Drop). Matthews climbs to the top rope and shouts “Save your tears for lubrication” as he leaps off, but JBC rolls out of the way and Shane lands on his butt. JBC kicks Shane really hard in the face then stomps on his chest five times and locks in a backbreaker hold. JBC slaps Shane’s chest to the beat of the audience clapping. JBC makes an X with his arms and his the Horseshoe Toss (Inverted Spinning Fallaway Slam) straight from the backbreaker hold. JBC goes for the pin but Akira Criss puts Shane’s foot on the rope causing the break at 2.3. John Boy rolls out of the ring and starts chasing Akira but Michael Elgin, who was on commentary hits JBC with a closeline. The referee is at a count of 5 when JBC gets to his feet and pushes Elgin into the guardrail.
“Johnny better get in the ring quick if he gets counted out he will still keep the title!”
“That wouldn’t be good for him at all?”
JBC is about to get in the ring when Tri Bute grabs his legs from under the ring. The referee gets to 10 and Matthews is declared the winner (he is still laid out from the Horseshoe Toss). Tri Bute and JBC start punching each other in the face but Tri Bute kicks JBC in the stomach and follows up with a Piledriver! Tri Bute rolls into the ring and hits Shane Matthews with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) as Elgin and Criss retreat up the ramp. Tri Bute gets out of the ring, puts on a pair of Brass knucks and punches JBC in the face three times. JBC is bleeding now. Tri Bute takes the microphone out of Troy Stone’s hand.
“Yawn Boy Snorbett (BURN!~), your champion, “Bear What?”, has dawned the crimson mask, your whole world is crumbling around you, this is the third time the show end with me standing over you and the only question I’m asking is when does Tri Bute get his 6th try, his 6th opportunity to mark his destiny and be the man his great granddad told him about? Well now I have an answer. “The People’s Super Awesome Comish” has it in the books, it’s happening November 5th 2023, Open The Awesome Gate 4, “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” vs. “Bear What?” Yawn Girl Snorbett, Return of The Jedi, for the most prestigious title in this time, but this time we aren’t climbing ladders or trying to pin each other.
This time the winner will be the one who breaks the other’s face. It’s a First Blood match. The face that every woman here wants to lick all over will be dismembered, but do you want to know what the best part is? I CAN’T LOSE, there is a reason why I told The Rock it had to be First Blood. I can’t bleed. The theory of Evolution isn’t just a theory Johnny Boy, it’s scientific fact. By the time I was born “blood” hadn’t existed for decades. The skin of humans is much too thick, we die before we bleed. On November 5th your title is MINE! Then SSAW is MINE! Then the world is MINE! CONTACT YOUR LOCAL service PROVIDER!”
Tri Bute spits on JBC.
“BUTT TRUMPET”
Tri Bute starts making farting noises as the scene fades to black.
10/2/12
The fatalities are rolling in from kids hitting each other with stone chairs, 83 deaths this time. Michael Elgin is to blame since he used on stone chair at SSAW’s PPV last night, but he tweeted “if we had more don’t try this at home stuff kids wouldn’t do it”. POP’s head honcho had this to say, “Michael Elgin is a major dock and deserves all the blame for this horrible tragedy. I am pee’d off! Elgin is a serial murderer that should be locked up for his terrible, rope-encouraging actions.” as you can tell he is certainly pee’d off. This also gave a clue at the head of POP’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.
Oklahoma Officials detained Michael Elgin after the event, he is being held at the state penitentiary and has received 14 lashes he is currently being charged with Resisting Arrest and Encouraging Rope.
10/78/12
Elgin’s trial happened, Judge Sapphire dismissed the case since “Encouraging Rope” isn’t against the law.
The President says he want Judge Sapphire to fight him, his other kid died because of Michael Elgin and the sick, perverse behavior he displayed. This also gave a clue at the President’s identity, he is anonymous after all, but this may just be a red herring.
The SSAW PPV, Open The Awesome Gate 4, is only 5 days away, and the card so far is so flippin’ stacked you wouldn’t believe it brah.
SSAW Global Warrior Championship – First Blood Match
John Boy Corbett © vs. Tri Bute
They are saying the show will be available in 398 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
"Unconditional Love"
Dear Diary,
I have to face a man who cannot bleed. In a first blood match. Butt.
Well it was fun while it lasted,
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett
Dear Diary,
I fooled all of you guys, didn’t I? Kyle and I are the smartest guys in all of SSAW, we play mind games and we don’t book Davey Richards in our indy company because he’s a jerk.
The Rock gave Ky-Ky the day off but you can expect to see us in some capacity.
Lates,
“The Agent” Mild Walsh
Dear Diary,
The voices are reaching out to me, they are telling me what to do.
It’s peeing me off, they want me to kill again. They want me to take out another legend.
THOSE VOICES, REACHING OUT.
La la la la laaa
SHUT UP
STUPID
STUPID
I’M POINTING AT THE SIGN, WHERE ARE MY FIREWORKS?
I’ll kick him I’ll kick Jagged in the head.
DEAD
DEAD
DEAD
666 MURDA MURDA JESUS
Condolences,
“The Viper” Randy Orton “The Legend Killer”
Dear Diary,
My rematch is tonight, I get another shot at the Lightweight title. That referee last time was dumb, it doesn’t count if you tap while you’re touching the ropes whatever, that futuristic submission move has nothing on me now, I found out how to apply it to myself and I’ve been torturing myself with it ever since, I am immune it doesn’t hurt me any more. I’ve also watched Star Wars Episode XII: The Ewok King, about 50 times, the part where Darth Kwoe goes into the time-defying time portal to the year 10010 and learns about the culture there has taught me all I need to know to beat you thick skinned freaks. I sent my copy to JBC hopefully he puts it to good use.
New Champion,
Zack Sabre Jr.
Dear Diary,
It is so great to be from the future. NEW CHAMPION, and I’ll take my sweet time too. I’ll torture him with every advanced future fighting technique I know, especially the one where I tickle your belly, beat the crop out of him with a stone chair. Marvelous victory! There is a reason they call me “The Future Warrior”, there is a reason I won the best title in the history of time 8000 times.
I WIN BIG MATCHES
THAT’S MY THING
I CAN’T BLEED!
Johnny gets the crimson mask! I AM THE MASTER!
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Open The Awesome Gate 4
November 5th 2023
The Super Special Awesome Dome, Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe, in 398 languages and American dialects.
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac d. “The Arab Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. after hitting a Jumping Rest In Pieses (Jumping Tombstone Piledriver) in the dark match.
“The show tonight is going to be totally awesome!” says Buackson.
“You said it Johnny, BTDUBS I love the new last name, is it still pronounced Buckson?”
“Yes, but that’s not important, I’m scared, if JBC can’t make Tri Bute bleed tonight”, Buackson’s voice trailed off.
“IT MAY BE THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT,” shouts Gold.
We go backstage with “The Agent” Mild Walsh and “Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly, Walsh says that they are just here TO WASTE THE FANS TIME. Walsh started saying that “The Legend Killer” Randy Orton was a cool guy but Kyle shushed him and says that’s a surprise.
In our opening contest “The Mysterious” Ern Mystery and Marcus Speed, the team called Lightning In The Jungle, faced off against “The Original” Chucky Blaze and the SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion Frightmare. The veterans were in control for most of the match but then Marcus Speed hit a low blow to the champ and tagged in Ern, who was distracting the referee. Lightning In The Jungle started hitting a bunch of really cool moves like a Shooting Star Sentons and Swantom Bombs and Hurricanranas. They hit stereo Front Flip Dropkicks to Frightmare and Blaze, then they both did Springboard 630s to get the three. After the match they spit on the veteran wrestlers. Chucky Blaze and Frightmare got mad and chased them to the back.
We head backstage.
“So I heard that nerd was watching The Ewok King over and over. What a nerdo” says Exe Cution (David Hart Smith), to his best friend Vio Lent (Tyler Black).
“Yeah, he’s one dumb nobody flipper. HE THINKS he can get a one up on us by watching science fiction!? The Ewok King isn’t even accurate; it’s just dumbo Star Wars nonsense. I CAN’T wait to kick that nerdo’s tiny dumb butt,” rants Vio Lent.
“Dude, you’re like the best in the tri-galaxy besides Tri Bute. You can do anything. I bet you don’t even need your advanced techniques from the future to beat this butt trumpet girl pants loser,” says Exe Cution.
“Here’s the plan, I beat up stupid head Zack and keep my belt. Then we watch the main event and Tri Bute kick JBC’s country b-u-t-t. Then we can partaaay with both the belts at Round Table Pizza and drink all the Pepsi products we can handle!” says Vio Lent.
Exe Cution and Vio Lent hook arms and head to the ring the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship Match is next!
PUSH ME IF YOU THINK I GIVE A DANG
YOU GOT THE WRONG IDEA MAN
THINK I CAN’T HOLD MY OWN?
I DON’T NEED HER
I DON’T NEED ANYBODY
Zack Sabre Jr. does that Rey Mysterio thing and jumps out of the stage it is really cool but then Vio Lent attacks him from behind and hits Sabre with the lightweight belt. Vio Lent spits in the air then gives the crowd double in a bad ways. Lent picks up Sabre and leads him to the ring.
“Lent is going HAM on this mo’ suckra!” shouts Buackson!
Lent hits a Spinebuster to Zack on the apron, then rolls him into the ring. The bell tolls and makes the match official. Lent immediately goes for the feather, he takes it out of his tights and starts tickling his opponent’s tummy.
“OH NOSE! This has taken out Zacky in the past!” says Gold.
“It could be the end here!” shouts Buackson.
Zack doesn’t even laugh and then kicks Lent really hard in the face. Then he picks Lent up and hits a Jumping Piledriver for a nearfall.
“Zack escaped Tickle Torture? How? That’s one of Vio’s advanced maneuvers from the future!” asks Gold.
“Didn’t you read Zack’s diary? He said he’s been watching Star Wars and tickling himself to build an immunity to it!” says Buackson.
Zack hits Lent with a Curb Stomp onto the bottom turnbuckle, then locks in a Surfboard. After a few moments Zack throws him backwards onto his head. Then Zack puts him in The Walls of Sabre (Boston Crab) but Lent gets the ropes and the referee pulls Zack off of him. Exe Cution hands Lent a stone chair and he hits Zack over the head with it for the DQ!
“Great! More kids die now and Lent keeps the title! That’s incredible!” says Buackson excitedly!
“Vio Lent is a meano screwing over Sabre like that!” says Gold in disagreement.
“I know I was just being random,” says Buackson. Gold almost hangs himself.
Lent runs away with the belt and laughs at Sabre.
I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD
BLAH BLAH BLAH
THEY TALK TIMMY
THEY TALK TIMMY
THEY TELL ME THINGS THAT I SHOULD DO
LIKE WHAT I PUT IN A SHOE
THEY TALK TIMMY
“The Viper” Randy Orton hits the ring and gets a microphone.
“I am Randy Orton,” he says. He starts making weird faces into the camera and licking his lips. “And I kill legends!” Randy throws the microphone into the crowd and starts rolling around on the ground. Then I think he realized he still needed the microphone so he rolled out of the ring and tried to get it back. The fan that caught it wouldn’t give it up so Randy shouted “JAGGED IT’S TIME TO FIGHT NOW” and rolled into the ring. “The King of The Cage” Jagged ran down the ramp and rolled into the ring and the match kicked off. The match consisted of Orton hitting Closelines and Bodyslams to Jagged and while he is getting up from them lining up for the punt. Jagged dodged the first six, but on the 7th attempt, Jagged still dodged it but Randy kicked the rope instead, Jagged tried to rollup Randy but he kicked out at dos.
“What a competitive match up so far” says Buackson.
“I think it’s pretty cool,” says Gold.
“Your opinion is always one that I treasure!” says Buackson.
While the commentators had their little moment, Randy hit the punt, but it knocked Jagged out of the ring. Randy started doing his thing where he pounds the mat while Jagged is getting up. The referee got to a count of 7 before Jagged got up but out of nowhere Kyle O’Reilly attacked Jagged with a Rolling Big Boot. Instead of disqualifying Randy the official kept the count going and Jagged was counted out. Orton celebrated while O’Reilly rolled Jagged into the ring. Orton stated stalking his prey and when Jagged got up he hit him with a RKO.
“STUPID
STUPID”
Kyle rolled into the ring and started stomping on Jagged’s back and then picked him up and hit a German Suplex then rolled through and hit a Dragon Suplex. Kyle and Randy Orton spit on Jagged and then highfived.
“I guess O’Reilly and Orton are friends now?” asks Gold.
“That doesn’t make sense! Kyle O’Reilly is arguably a bigger legend in SSAW than Jagged is. Why would Orton be friends with him?” retorts Buackson.
“Orton’s crazy though so sometimes he does silly stuff” says Gold.
Orton and O’Reilly walk off to the back when The Briscoe Brother’s music starts playing. “Stardust” Mark Briscoe takes a microphone.
“The Rock says that we don’t have opponents tonight, that’s flipin’ lame. WE’RE FIGHTING CHAMPIONS, our belts WILL go on the line tonight I PROMISE. TWO TOUGH CHUMPS BETTA COME OUT HERE. Then a STEEL CAGE’ll lower from da sky and we’ll fight to see who da betta men are,” he shouts.
“Wow a Steel Cage Match and a First Blood Match tonight! The fans are in for a treat!” says Gold.
“That is if any team has a big enough wiener to accept this challenge,” says Buackson
I LOVE STEAK
I LOVE SAUCE
OH FLIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS!
“OH FLIP YES” says Buackson!
“IT’S THEM THEY’RE BACK”
“THE BEST MOTHERFLIPPERS ARE MOTHERFLIPPING BACK”
“I JUS CAN’T BELIEVE MY GOSHFORSAKIN’ EYES!”
“SOME KIND OF HARMONY IS ON THE RISE GOLD, BAH GOSH”
Francis Barbecue and Gene Barbecue attack The Briscoes from behind! Their punches barely make contact with them but it is still really cool. Then the steel cage starts to lower. Gene Barbecue starts puking all over the ring but The Briscoes don’t let up, “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe slips in the barf but hits a double closeline to the Barbecue Brothers. Francis Barbecue takes most of the beating for the rest of the match since Gene is ill, I guess. The Briscoes hit a double big boot to Francis and then pinned him but he kicked out at two. The Briscoes tried to pick Francis up to his feet but he hits a double low blow and then a double DDT. Then he puts “Stardust” onto his shoulders and climbs to the top of the cage.
“OH SNAP”
“He could kill “Stardust” Mark Briscoe! DON’T JUMP!” says Buackson.
Francis hits a Steamroller from the top of the cage into a pin for three to make The Natural Born Grillers, Gene Barbecue and Francis Barbecue, the new SSAW Word Double Bed Warrior Champions!
The Rock is backstage in his office and he is drawling a picture of a frog. It’s quite good and I like his use of cross-hatching. There is a knock on the door and The Rock tells them to come in.
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” enters.
“Welcome to the SMACKDOWN HOTEL jabroni!”
“You are bugging me what do you want Rock, I have a match to prepare for if you don’t mind?” asks “The Future Warrior” Tri Bute.
“I wanted to tell you that I changed the match a bit, you see I like to treat my wrestlers like I treat my drawings” says “The People’s Champion” The Rock, “Each wrestler is like a piece of art, Butey, look how colorful it is, do you like that?”
“No” says Tri Bute, “I think pictures are dumb, they aren’t around in the future because they are lame.”
“The People’s Super Awesome Comish” The Rock, is taken aback. “Well, whatever, I just called you in here to tell you that since you can’t bleed a first blood match isn’t really that fair, but since we already advertised the butt out of that match I can’t really just change it. So I’m adding a stipulation, if you lose you cannot face JBC again for the title during this reign. Butey, this is your last chance,” says The Rock
Tri Bute just walks away, “The Arabian Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. walks by, but Tri Bute grabs him by the neck and hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam). Tri Bute spits on Jr. and flashes him double in a bad ways.
“I can’t think of a single way Tri Bute can lose anyway, Goldie, why did he have to show that kind of aggression to some kid who just walks by like that,” asks Buackson.
“Well, Buack, Tri Bute is a muti-time universe champion, for all we know that loser disrespected Tri Bute. I think what we really need to focus on is that if JBC doesn’t find a way to conquer the beast, slay the monster, battle darken-,”
“Yeah, he’s got to man up because pretty much right now he faces the greatest evil force to ever set foot in SSAW since “Murder, Kill, Death” Cactus Flanders,”
“If he doesn’t win tonight, it’s pretty much the end of days”
IT’S A HUMAN SIGN
WHEN THINGS GO WRONG
WHEN THE SCENT OF HER LINGERS
AND THE TEMPTATION’S STRONG
WERP
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
LET THE BODIES HIT THE
FLOOOOOOOOOOOOR
A casket decorated with purple skulls and blood lowers from the rafters, once the casket touches the ground the chain that lowered the casket drops off too.
TAKE MY LOVE
TAKE MY LAND
TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND
I DON’T CARE
I’M STILL FREE
YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME
The casket opens and “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” steps out of the casket with a microphone.
“Tonight IS THE NIGHT
HOLD ON TIGHT
THIS IS THE DREAM
IT’S ALL I NEED,” sings Tri Bute. “Do you guys like that little ditty? That’s the kind of crop John Boy Corbett listens to on his ICow while he milks it and whistles. Yeah he listens to Miley Cyrus. And you guys still like him? Why? She’s like 40 years old, her acting is annoying as flip COME ON,” rants Tri Bute.
“I deserve her fame and I deserve her glory. Did you here my singing? I rocked the crop out of those four lines. Maybe I got part of the song wrong lyrics wise, but that was probably an improvement anyway. I WIN BIG MATCHES! That’s what I came here to do tonight. I will be the best champion there ever was. I CAN’T LOSE! In fac-,”
I AM A COWBOY
I LOVE DA RODEO
I AM A COWBOY
MILKIN’ MY ICOW’S ALLS I NOSE
I AM A COWBOY
MILEY CYRUS IS SWART
I AM A COWBOY
AND MY HORSIE IS PET ART
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW
HAW
John Boy Corbett walks out onto the ramp, but all the sudden he is attacked from behind by Vio Lent and Exe Cution who knock him to the ground.
“Laugh out loud,” laughs Tri Bute, “Did you think I didn’t have Reinforcement of The Army down or something? I always run that ship”.
Vio Lent and Exe Cution drag Johnny to the ring and roll him in. The referee rings the bell. Tri Bute immediately picks him up and hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam).
“Are you okay Mr. Snorbett (BURN!~)? ARE YOU FLIPPING OKAY?” asks Butey. Tri Bute slaps JBC while he’s down. “MINIONS! NOW!” Vio Lent and Exe Cution roll into the ring, Cution stands JBC up on his knees while Vio smacks him with the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship. Cution lets him fall and then locks in a Sharpshooter. John Boy yells out in pain, Tri Bute rolls out of the ring and picks up a bowl and a spoon. Tri Bute sets the bowl in front of JBC. “You aren’t that bad of a guy JBC, you’re just a stepping stone on my way to the top, so since this match is one of the easiest victories in my career, I decided to thank you with a nice chicken noodle soup I made you, go on try it,” pleads Tri Bute.
But before JBC can take a spoonful, Lent dunks his head into the bowl and Cution starts using a rope for leverage. “Let him out Exe,” Cution releases the hold. “Now put him on my shoulders,” Vio Lent and Exe Cution lift JBC and put him on “The Future Warrior’s” shoulders. Tri Bute hits JBC with an Attitude Adjustment but onto the top rope instead of the mat.
“Royal Tri Bute, Tri Bute is just toying with our champion. And the worst part is, he has nothing to lose,” says Buackson.
“Have you ever been marooned John Boy? Have you ever been left behind on a deserted planet?” asks Tri Bute, “No you haven’t, you’re just a country boy who grew up on the farm shooting wombats and bears, you milked cows and listened to Miley Cyrus throughout your lame teen hood. Vio Lent, bring him back in the ring,”
Vio Lent follows his orders and rolls JBC back into the ring. Tri Bute snaps his fingers giving Exe Cution the signal to Powerslam the referee. Tri Bute takes a pocketknife out of his hot pink tights. He taps John Boy’s right hand middle finger with it, and leaves a cut. It starts bleeding, but the referee can’t see it since he got powerslammed.
“That’s how easy it is. If I hadn’t saved you there, the belt would have been mine. That’s way too easy though. I need to give you a thorough butt kicking. Lent, clean that cut up and put a bandage on it. Oh, sorry if you get one of those knife diseases and die,” says Tri Bute.
Vio Lent cleans up the cut and puts a bandage on JBC.
“Exe, kiss it to make it feel better,” screams Tri Bute
Exe lifts Corbett’s arm and takes his hand in both of his. His mouth moves slowly over the fingers until he finds the right one. His soft lips brush the bandage slowly, warmly.
“How does it taste?” asks Tri Bute.
“It tastes, like rainbows and unicorns, like a castle in a cloud, like pitter pattering rain on the stone steps of the court house on a March morning, like a new The Fast and The Furious movie, like love, beautiful unconditional love,” says Exe Cution.
“Yes, now stomp on his hand until it breaks,” commands Tri Bute.
Without a second thought, Cution stomps on Corbett’s hands repeatedly.
“This is who we are, JBC, compassion? Love? In the future we stomp all over that ship. Emotions are for the weak, just ask Randy Orton, he won a bunch of world titles. Ask me, I’ve won 8000. You are a sissy crybaby girl; girl is your middle name. KEEP STOMPING ON HIS HAND I DON’T CARE IF YOUR LEG IS TIRED!” yells Tri Bute.
“This has gone on long enough, just end it already!” shouts Gold.
Tri Bute nudges Cution so he stops. Tri Bute positions John Boy then climbs to the top turnbuckle and leaps off and hits Tri Bute To The Doomed (Leg Clap Frog Splash).
“This match is flippin’ disgusting, it’s kind of like that episode of South Park, The China Problem or like bondage, it’s just uncomfortable to watch,” says Gold.
“The China Problem is like the best episode of South Park, it’s almost as good as 200 and 201 or Super Best Friends, those three were so edgy that they aren’t even on Southparkstudios.com. But seriously the edgy episodes are the best because they are the most hardcore, the most bad butt. And if something weren’t bad butt why would you watch it in the first place?” asks Buackson.
“Well, there are a bunch of great musicals that ar-,”
“Don’t say another flippin’ word blunt. Musicals are trash, ever since Blaine graduated and wasn’t featured on Glee anymore, the world changed and musicals were never the same again,” interrupted Buackson.
“What happened to treasuring my opinion, Buack? Or did that moment we had earlier not mean anything to you? Don’t even answer, you’re a jerk that I don’t want to talk to!” says Gold before he runs off crying.
While the announcers had their little spat Tri Bute rained down the punches on JBC but stopped before busting him open. Gold is running away but he trips on a cord and falls on his face. Exe Cution, Vio Lent, and Tri Bute immediately exit the ring to see if he is all right. While “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” and his minions checked Jonathon Gold’s pulse John Boy Corbett slowly got to his feet. Then he bounced of the rope and hit a suicide dive onto Tri Bute and the other two, then he picked up the microphone.
“Butey beach, you’re a cocky little ship. That big ego of yours is pretty dang silly too. I’ve beaten you five times already dude, and I had a whole month to figure out how to make you bleed. So, I watched Star Wars Episode XII, you know the one where Darth Kwoe goes into the future and learns about the customs so he can go back in time and make Timmy Skywalker bleed, but not die so he could use his blood to make a clone army that is better than the one in The Clone Wars? Well what he used was The Staff of The Ewok King. Now, as you know, Star Wars happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, but when Death Star III exploded, where The Staff of The Ewok King, pieces of it flew all over the place.
One of the pieces crashed here on Earth. Turns out the events of Episode XII happened in the 1940s, the thing that crashed at Roswell wasn’t a UFO or aliens. It was space wreckage from Death Star III; it was The Staff of The Ewok King.
How do I know this? Easy, the head of my fan club works at Area 51 and he phoned me and told me about it. Thank god his identity is anonymous or he’d get in trouble for that.
In Area 51, they were studying it; trying to harness it’s essence. Learn how to use it, when to use it. They finally found a use. Giving it to me!” breathes John Boy, it took him a while to get it all out since he got beat up so much.
JBC leans over and takes a wooden staff out from under the ring and pokes Tri Bute in the arm with it. The blood begins to drip out of his arm.
“This must be the emotion you humans call blood, I’m bleeding!” shouts Tri Bute as he cries out in pain and the bell tolls.
“Your winner via First Blood, and still SSAW Global Warrior Champion, “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett!” announces Troy Stone, “As a result Tri Bute cannot challenge for the championship until a new champion is crowned,”
John Boy Corbett holds the belt up in all the corners while Tri Bute’s trio limp up the ramp.
“John Boy Corbett wins! The boyhood dream has been fulfilled! He has made the unbleedable bleed! I have one question though, does this mean Episode XIII will be about this match?” ponders Buackson as the scene fades to black.
11/6/23
More kids died because of stone chairs. No one cares about that though.
Master Satriani just finished his Sumo tour in Japan so he may be back in SSAW any day now.
Chris Sabin has taken time off to be a mime.
11/98/23
The next SSAW event is only three days away! The card has so much swag!
SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship – Third Times The Charm!
Vio Lent (Tyler Black) © vs. Zack Sabre Jr.
They are saying the show will be available in 427 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
I have to face a man who cannot bleed. In a first blood match. Butt.
Well it was fun while it lasted,
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett
Dear Diary,
I fooled all of you guys, didn’t I? Kyle and I are the smartest guys in all of SSAW, we play mind games and we don’t book Davey Richards in our indy company because he’s a jerk.
The Rock gave Ky-Ky the day off but you can expect to see us in some capacity.
Lates,
“The Agent” Mild Walsh
Dear Diary,
The voices are reaching out to me, they are telling me what to do.
It’s peeing me off, they want me to kill again. They want me to take out another legend.
THOSE VOICES, REACHING OUT.
La la la la laaa
SHUT UP
STUPID
STUPID
I’M POINTING AT THE SIGN, WHERE ARE MY FIREWORKS?
I’ll kick him I’ll kick Jagged in the head.
DEAD
DEAD
DEAD
666 MURDA MURDA JESUS
Condolences,
“The Viper” Randy Orton “The Legend Killer”
Dear Diary,
My rematch is tonight, I get another shot at the Lightweight title. That referee last time was dumb, it doesn’t count if you tap while you’re touching the ropes whatever, that futuristic submission move has nothing on me now, I found out how to apply it to myself and I’ve been torturing myself with it ever since, I am immune it doesn’t hurt me any more. I’ve also watched Star Wars Episode XII: The Ewok King, about 50 times, the part where Darth Kwoe goes into the time-defying time portal to the year 10010 and learns about the culture there has taught me all I need to know to beat you thick skinned freaks. I sent my copy to JBC hopefully he puts it to good use.
New Champion,
Zack Sabre Jr.
Dear Diary,
It is so great to be from the future. NEW CHAMPION, and I’ll take my sweet time too. I’ll torture him with every advanced future fighting technique I know, especially the one where I tickle your belly, beat the crop out of him with a stone chair. Marvelous victory! There is a reason they call me “The Future Warrior”, there is a reason I won the best title in the history of time 8000 times.
I WIN BIG MATCHES
THAT’S MY THING
I CAN’T BLEED!
Johnny gets the crimson mask! I AM THE MASTER!
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Open The Awesome Gate 4
November 5th 2023
The Super Special Awesome Dome, Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe, in 398 languages and American dialects.
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac d. “The Arab Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. after hitting a Jumping Rest In Pieses (Jumping Tombstone Piledriver) in the dark match.
“The show tonight is going to be totally awesome!” says Buackson.
“You said it Johnny, BTDUBS I love the new last name, is it still pronounced Buckson?”
“Yes, but that’s not important, I’m scared, if JBC can’t make Tri Bute bleed tonight”, Buackson’s voice trailed off.
“IT MAY BE THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT,” shouts Gold.
We go backstage with “The Agent” Mild Walsh and “Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly, Walsh says that they are just here TO WASTE THE FANS TIME. Walsh started saying that “The Legend Killer” Randy Orton was a cool guy but Kyle shushed him and says that’s a surprise.
In our opening contest “The Mysterious” Ern Mystery and Marcus Speed, the team called Lightning In The Jungle, faced off against “The Original” Chucky Blaze and the SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion Frightmare. The veterans were in control for most of the match but then Marcus Speed hit a low blow to the champ and tagged in Ern, who was distracting the referee. Lightning In The Jungle started hitting a bunch of really cool moves like a Shooting Star Sentons and Swantom Bombs and Hurricanranas. They hit stereo Front Flip Dropkicks to Frightmare and Blaze, then they both did Springboard 630s to get the three. After the match they spit on the veteran wrestlers. Chucky Blaze and Frightmare got mad and chased them to the back.
We head backstage.
“So I heard that nerd was watching The Ewok King over and over. What a nerdo” says Exe Cution (David Hart Smith), to his best friend Vio Lent (Tyler Black).
“Yeah, he’s one dumb nobody flipper. HE THINKS he can get a one up on us by watching science fiction!? The Ewok King isn’t even accurate; it’s just dumbo Star Wars nonsense. I CAN’T wait to kick that nerdo’s tiny dumb butt,” rants Vio Lent.
“Dude, you’re like the best in the tri-galaxy besides Tri Bute. You can do anything. I bet you don’t even need your advanced techniques from the future to beat this butt trumpet girl pants loser,” says Exe Cution.
“Here’s the plan, I beat up stupid head Zack and keep my belt. Then we watch the main event and Tri Bute kick JBC’s country b-u-t-t. Then we can partaaay with both the belts at Round Table Pizza and drink all the Pepsi products we can handle!” says Vio Lent.
Exe Cution and Vio Lent hook arms and head to the ring the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship Match is next!
PUSH ME IF YOU THINK I GIVE A DANG
YOU GOT THE WRONG IDEA MAN
THINK I CAN’T HOLD MY OWN?
I DON’T NEED HER
I DON’T NEED ANYBODY
Zack Sabre Jr. does that Rey Mysterio thing and jumps out of the stage it is really cool but then Vio Lent attacks him from behind and hits Sabre with the lightweight belt. Vio Lent spits in the air then gives the crowd double in a bad ways. Lent picks up Sabre and leads him to the ring.
“Lent is going HAM on this mo’ suckra!” shouts Buackson!
Lent hits a Spinebuster to Zack on the apron, then rolls him into the ring. The bell tolls and makes the match official. Lent immediately goes for the feather, he takes it out of his tights and starts tickling his opponent’s tummy.
“OH NOSE! This has taken out Zacky in the past!” says Gold.
“It could be the end here!” shouts Buackson.
Zack doesn’t even laugh and then kicks Lent really hard in the face. Then he picks Lent up and hits a Jumping Piledriver for a nearfall.
“Zack escaped Tickle Torture? How? That’s one of Vio’s advanced maneuvers from the future!” asks Gold.
“Didn’t you read Zack’s diary? He said he’s been watching Star Wars and tickling himself to build an immunity to it!” says Buackson.
Zack hits Lent with a Curb Stomp onto the bottom turnbuckle, then locks in a Surfboard. After a few moments Zack throws him backwards onto his head. Then Zack puts him in The Walls of Sabre (Boston Crab) but Lent gets the ropes and the referee pulls Zack off of him. Exe Cution hands Lent a stone chair and he hits Zack over the head with it for the DQ!
“Great! More kids die now and Lent keeps the title! That’s incredible!” says Buackson excitedly!
“Vio Lent is a meano screwing over Sabre like that!” says Gold in disagreement.
“I know I was just being random,” says Buackson. Gold almost hangs himself.
Lent runs away with the belt and laughs at Sabre.
I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD
BLAH BLAH BLAH
THEY TALK TIMMY
THEY TALK TIMMY
THEY TELL ME THINGS THAT I SHOULD DO
LIKE WHAT I PUT IN A SHOE
THEY TALK TIMMY
“The Viper” Randy Orton hits the ring and gets a microphone.
“I am Randy Orton,” he says. He starts making weird faces into the camera and licking his lips. “And I kill legends!” Randy throws the microphone into the crowd and starts rolling around on the ground. Then I think he realized he still needed the microphone so he rolled out of the ring and tried to get it back. The fan that caught it wouldn’t give it up so Randy shouted “JAGGED IT’S TIME TO FIGHT NOW” and rolled into the ring. “The King of The Cage” Jagged ran down the ramp and rolled into the ring and the match kicked off. The match consisted of Orton hitting Closelines and Bodyslams to Jagged and while he is getting up from them lining up for the punt. Jagged dodged the first six, but on the 7th attempt, Jagged still dodged it but Randy kicked the rope instead, Jagged tried to rollup Randy but he kicked out at dos.
“What a competitive match up so far” says Buackson.
“I think it’s pretty cool,” says Gold.
“Your opinion is always one that I treasure!” says Buackson.
While the commentators had their little moment, Randy hit the punt, but it knocked Jagged out of the ring. Randy started doing his thing where he pounds the mat while Jagged is getting up. The referee got to a count of 7 before Jagged got up but out of nowhere Kyle O’Reilly attacked Jagged with a Rolling Big Boot. Instead of disqualifying Randy the official kept the count going and Jagged was counted out. Orton celebrated while O’Reilly rolled Jagged into the ring. Orton stated stalking his prey and when Jagged got up he hit him with a RKO.
“STUPID
STUPID”
Kyle rolled into the ring and started stomping on Jagged’s back and then picked him up and hit a German Suplex then rolled through and hit a Dragon Suplex. Kyle and Randy Orton spit on Jagged and then highfived.
“I guess O’Reilly and Orton are friends now?” asks Gold.
“That doesn’t make sense! Kyle O’Reilly is arguably a bigger legend in SSAW than Jagged is. Why would Orton be friends with him?” retorts Buackson.
“Orton’s crazy though so sometimes he does silly stuff” says Gold.
Orton and O’Reilly walk off to the back when The Briscoe Brother’s music starts playing. “Stardust” Mark Briscoe takes a microphone.
“The Rock says that we don’t have opponents tonight, that’s flipin’ lame. WE’RE FIGHTING CHAMPIONS, our belts WILL go on the line tonight I PROMISE. TWO TOUGH CHUMPS BETTA COME OUT HERE. Then a STEEL CAGE’ll lower from da sky and we’ll fight to see who da betta men are,” he shouts.
“Wow a Steel Cage Match and a First Blood Match tonight! The fans are in for a treat!” says Gold.
“That is if any team has a big enough wiener to accept this challenge,” says Buackson
I LOVE STEAK
I LOVE SAUCE
OH FLIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS!
“OH FLIP YES” says Buackson!
“IT’S THEM THEY’RE BACK”
“THE BEST MOTHERFLIPPERS ARE MOTHERFLIPPING BACK”
“I JUS CAN’T BELIEVE MY GOSHFORSAKIN’ EYES!”
“SOME KIND OF HARMONY IS ON THE RISE GOLD, BAH GOSH”
Francis Barbecue and Gene Barbecue attack The Briscoes from behind! Their punches barely make contact with them but it is still really cool. Then the steel cage starts to lower. Gene Barbecue starts puking all over the ring but The Briscoes don’t let up, “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe slips in the barf but hits a double closeline to the Barbecue Brothers. Francis Barbecue takes most of the beating for the rest of the match since Gene is ill, I guess. The Briscoes hit a double big boot to Francis and then pinned him but he kicked out at two. The Briscoes tried to pick Francis up to his feet but he hits a double low blow and then a double DDT. Then he puts “Stardust” onto his shoulders and climbs to the top of the cage.
“OH SNAP”
“He could kill “Stardust” Mark Briscoe! DON’T JUMP!” says Buackson.
Francis hits a Steamroller from the top of the cage into a pin for three to make The Natural Born Grillers, Gene Barbecue and Francis Barbecue, the new SSAW Word Double Bed Warrior Champions!
The Rock is backstage in his office and he is drawling a picture of a frog. It’s quite good and I like his use of cross-hatching. There is a knock on the door and The Rock tells them to come in.
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” enters.
“Welcome to the SMACKDOWN HOTEL jabroni!”
“You are bugging me what do you want Rock, I have a match to prepare for if you don’t mind?” asks “The Future Warrior” Tri Bute.
“I wanted to tell you that I changed the match a bit, you see I like to treat my wrestlers like I treat my drawings” says “The People’s Champion” The Rock, “Each wrestler is like a piece of art, Butey, look how colorful it is, do you like that?”
“No” says Tri Bute, “I think pictures are dumb, they aren’t around in the future because they are lame.”
“The People’s Super Awesome Comish” The Rock, is taken aback. “Well, whatever, I just called you in here to tell you that since you can’t bleed a first blood match isn’t really that fair, but since we already advertised the butt out of that match I can’t really just change it. So I’m adding a stipulation, if you lose you cannot face JBC again for the title during this reign. Butey, this is your last chance,” says The Rock
Tri Bute just walks away, “The Arabian Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. walks by, but Tri Bute grabs him by the neck and hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam). Tri Bute spits on Jr. and flashes him double in a bad ways.
“I can’t think of a single way Tri Bute can lose anyway, Goldie, why did he have to show that kind of aggression to some kid who just walks by like that,” asks Buackson.
“Well, Buack, Tri Bute is a muti-time universe champion, for all we know that loser disrespected Tri Bute. I think what we really need to focus on is that if JBC doesn’t find a way to conquer the beast, slay the monster, battle darken-,”
“Yeah, he’s got to man up because pretty much right now he faces the greatest evil force to ever set foot in SSAW since “Murder, Kill, Death” Cactus Flanders,”
“If he doesn’t win tonight, it’s pretty much the end of days”
IT’S A HUMAN SIGN
WHEN THINGS GO WRONG
WHEN THE SCENT OF HER LINGERS
AND THE TEMPTATION’S STRONG
WERP
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
LET THE BODIES HIT THE
FLOOOOOOOOOOOOR
A casket decorated with purple skulls and blood lowers from the rafters, once the casket touches the ground the chain that lowered the casket drops off too.
TAKE MY LOVE
TAKE MY LAND
TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND
I DON’T CARE
I’M STILL FREE
YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME
The casket opens and “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” steps out of the casket with a microphone.
“Tonight IS THE NIGHT
HOLD ON TIGHT
THIS IS THE DREAM
IT’S ALL I NEED,” sings Tri Bute. “Do you guys like that little ditty? That’s the kind of crop John Boy Corbett listens to on his ICow while he milks it and whistles. Yeah he listens to Miley Cyrus. And you guys still like him? Why? She’s like 40 years old, her acting is annoying as flip COME ON,” rants Tri Bute.
“I deserve her fame and I deserve her glory. Did you here my singing? I rocked the crop out of those four lines. Maybe I got part of the song wrong lyrics wise, but that was probably an improvement anyway. I WIN BIG MATCHES! That’s what I came here to do tonight. I will be the best champion there ever was. I CAN’T LOSE! In fac-,”
I AM A COWBOY
I LOVE DA RODEO
I AM A COWBOY
MILKIN’ MY ICOW’S ALLS I NOSE
I AM A COWBOY
MILEY CYRUS IS SWART
I AM A COWBOY
AND MY HORSIE IS PET ART
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW
HAW
John Boy Corbett walks out onto the ramp, but all the sudden he is attacked from behind by Vio Lent and Exe Cution who knock him to the ground.
“Laugh out loud,” laughs Tri Bute, “Did you think I didn’t have Reinforcement of The Army down or something? I always run that ship”.
Vio Lent and Exe Cution drag Johnny to the ring and roll him in. The referee rings the bell. Tri Bute immediately picks him up and hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam).
“Are you okay Mr. Snorbett (BURN!~)? ARE YOU FLIPPING OKAY?” asks Butey. Tri Bute slaps JBC while he’s down. “MINIONS! NOW!” Vio Lent and Exe Cution roll into the ring, Cution stands JBC up on his knees while Vio smacks him with the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship. Cution lets him fall and then locks in a Sharpshooter. John Boy yells out in pain, Tri Bute rolls out of the ring and picks up a bowl and a spoon. Tri Bute sets the bowl in front of JBC. “You aren’t that bad of a guy JBC, you’re just a stepping stone on my way to the top, so since this match is one of the easiest victories in my career, I decided to thank you with a nice chicken noodle soup I made you, go on try it,” pleads Tri Bute.
But before JBC can take a spoonful, Lent dunks his head into the bowl and Cution starts using a rope for leverage. “Let him out Exe,” Cution releases the hold. “Now put him on my shoulders,” Vio Lent and Exe Cution lift JBC and put him on “The Future Warrior’s” shoulders. Tri Bute hits JBC with an Attitude Adjustment but onto the top rope instead of the mat.
“Royal Tri Bute, Tri Bute is just toying with our champion. And the worst part is, he has nothing to lose,” says Buackson.
“Have you ever been marooned John Boy? Have you ever been left behind on a deserted planet?” asks Tri Bute, “No you haven’t, you’re just a country boy who grew up on the farm shooting wombats and bears, you milked cows and listened to Miley Cyrus throughout your lame teen hood. Vio Lent, bring him back in the ring,”
Vio Lent follows his orders and rolls JBC back into the ring. Tri Bute snaps his fingers giving Exe Cution the signal to Powerslam the referee. Tri Bute takes a pocketknife out of his hot pink tights. He taps John Boy’s right hand middle finger with it, and leaves a cut. It starts bleeding, but the referee can’t see it since he got powerslammed.
“That’s how easy it is. If I hadn’t saved you there, the belt would have been mine. That’s way too easy though. I need to give you a thorough butt kicking. Lent, clean that cut up and put a bandage on it. Oh, sorry if you get one of those knife diseases and die,” says Tri Bute.
Vio Lent cleans up the cut and puts a bandage on JBC.
“Exe, kiss it to make it feel better,” screams Tri Bute
Exe lifts Corbett’s arm and takes his hand in both of his. His mouth moves slowly over the fingers until he finds the right one. His soft lips brush the bandage slowly, warmly.
“How does it taste?” asks Tri Bute.
“It tastes, like rainbows and unicorns, like a castle in a cloud, like pitter pattering rain on the stone steps of the court house on a March morning, like a new The Fast and The Furious movie, like love, beautiful unconditional love,” says Exe Cution.
“Yes, now stomp on his hand until it breaks,” commands Tri Bute.
Without a second thought, Cution stomps on Corbett’s hands repeatedly.
“This is who we are, JBC, compassion? Love? In the future we stomp all over that ship. Emotions are for the weak, just ask Randy Orton, he won a bunch of world titles. Ask me, I’ve won 8000. You are a sissy crybaby girl; girl is your middle name. KEEP STOMPING ON HIS HAND I DON’T CARE IF YOUR LEG IS TIRED!” yells Tri Bute.
“This has gone on long enough, just end it already!” shouts Gold.
Tri Bute nudges Cution so he stops. Tri Bute positions John Boy then climbs to the top turnbuckle and leaps off and hits Tri Bute To The Doomed (Leg Clap Frog Splash).
“This match is flippin’ disgusting, it’s kind of like that episode of South Park, The China Problem or like bondage, it’s just uncomfortable to watch,” says Gold.
“The China Problem is like the best episode of South Park, it’s almost as good as 200 and 201 or Super Best Friends, those three were so edgy that they aren’t even on Southparkstudios.com. But seriously the edgy episodes are the best because they are the most hardcore, the most bad butt. And if something weren’t bad butt why would you watch it in the first place?” asks Buackson.
“Well, there are a bunch of great musicals that ar-,”
“Don’t say another flippin’ word blunt. Musicals are trash, ever since Blaine graduated and wasn’t featured on Glee anymore, the world changed and musicals were never the same again,” interrupted Buackson.
“What happened to treasuring my opinion, Buack? Or did that moment we had earlier not mean anything to you? Don’t even answer, you’re a jerk that I don’t want to talk to!” says Gold before he runs off crying.
While the announcers had their little spat Tri Bute rained down the punches on JBC but stopped before busting him open. Gold is running away but he trips on a cord and falls on his face. Exe Cution, Vio Lent, and Tri Bute immediately exit the ring to see if he is all right. While “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior” and his minions checked Jonathon Gold’s pulse John Boy Corbett slowly got to his feet. Then he bounced of the rope and hit a suicide dive onto Tri Bute and the other two, then he picked up the microphone.
“Butey beach, you’re a cocky little ship. That big ego of yours is pretty dang silly too. I’ve beaten you five times already dude, and I had a whole month to figure out how to make you bleed. So, I watched Star Wars Episode XII, you know the one where Darth Kwoe goes into the future and learns about the customs so he can go back in time and make Timmy Skywalker bleed, but not die so he could use his blood to make a clone army that is better than the one in The Clone Wars? Well what he used was The Staff of The Ewok King. Now, as you know, Star Wars happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, but when Death Star III exploded, where The Staff of The Ewok King, pieces of it flew all over the place.
One of the pieces crashed here on Earth. Turns out the events of Episode XII happened in the 1940s, the thing that crashed at Roswell wasn’t a UFO or aliens. It was space wreckage from Death Star III; it was The Staff of The Ewok King.
How do I know this? Easy, the head of my fan club works at Area 51 and he phoned me and told me about it. Thank god his identity is anonymous or he’d get in trouble for that.
In Area 51, they were studying it; trying to harness it’s essence. Learn how to use it, when to use it. They finally found a use. Giving it to me!” breathes John Boy, it took him a while to get it all out since he got beat up so much.
JBC leans over and takes a wooden staff out from under the ring and pokes Tri Bute in the arm with it. The blood begins to drip out of his arm.
“This must be the emotion you humans call blood, I’m bleeding!” shouts Tri Bute as he cries out in pain and the bell tolls.
“Your winner via First Blood, and still SSAW Global Warrior Champion, “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett!” announces Troy Stone, “As a result Tri Bute cannot challenge for the championship until a new champion is crowned,”
John Boy Corbett holds the belt up in all the corners while Tri Bute’s trio limp up the ramp.
“John Boy Corbett wins! The boyhood dream has been fulfilled! He has made the unbleedable bleed! I have one question though, does this mean Episode XIII will be about this match?” ponders Buackson as the scene fades to black.
11/6/23
More kids died because of stone chairs. No one cares about that though.
Master Satriani just finished his Sumo tour in Japan so he may be back in SSAW any day now.
Chris Sabin has taken time off to be a mime.
11/98/23
The next SSAW event is only three days away! The card has so much swag!
SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship – Third Times The Charm!
Vio Lent (Tyler Black) © vs. Zack Sabre Jr.
They are saying the show will be available in 427 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
Re: "Trying To Give A Burger An Organism"
Dear Diary,
MY WORLD IS OVER
IT HURTS, MY ARM HURTS LIKE HECK!
The Rock has given me the rest of the year off to heal up. But after that your world comes to an end. 2024 is the year of THE FUTURE WARRIOR!
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
After 7 years, Sumo wrestling the ship out of a bunch of suicidal Japanese, I have returned to SSAW and I’m here to reclaim my spot as the biggest bad butt in this flippin’ hood!
You have been forewarned!,
“The Master of Satriani” Master Satriani “The Sumo Warrior”
Dear Diary,
WELCOME TO THE SMACKDOWN HOTEL
The main event of this show will be really swag, the guy who is a legend in Japan, Master Satriani will get a title belt shot at JBC, jabroni!
IF YOU SMELL WHAT DA ROCK IS COOKIN,
“The People’s Super Awesome Comish” The Rock “The Most Electrifying Man In Sports Entertainment”
Dear Diary,
It is just so hard to stay mad at Mr. Buackson. He was so persistent and caring. He visited me in the hospital every day and brought me freshly baked cookies while I was recouping from my fall. Once I could walk again he took me to the beach for a celebratory picnic. Champagne, caviar, fried chicken, and love, it was the best picnic ever.
Regards,
Jonathon Gold
Christmas At Ground Zero 2
December 3rd 2023
The Other Super Special Awesome Dome, New York, New York and broadcasted across the globe in 427 languages and American dialects!
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac defeated Amazing Halo after hitting Gemini To Sleep (Go To Sleep) and getting the three in the dark match.
In our opening contest, Neil Furious and Hammer Maniac faced off against “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe and “Stardust” Mark Briscoe. Neil Furious started off for his team and did submission moves. Jay Briscoe was about to tap but instead he thumbed Neil in the eye and tagged in Mark who was a house on fire. Or of fire whatever. He kicked Neil in the face really hard knocking him into his corner and Hammer was tagged in. They started trading punches but the fans were clearly on Hammer’s side because they said yay when he punched Mark and boo when Mark punched Hammer. It was just like a real wrestling show. HAMMER THEN HIT A ROLLING ELBOW.
1….
2….
NO! GOSH NO! HE KICKED OUT! WIZARD GOD NO!
“Mark hasn’t got all his ship in yet!” says Buackson.
Mark hits like 12 elbows to the face of Hammer then hits him with an Enziguri followed by a Super Kick while he was on his knees. Mark goes to the top rope and does Shooting Stardust (Shooting Star Press) but Maniac rolls out of the way just in time. He locks in the ManiacLock (Hammer Lock) and then Neil rolls into the ring and hits Mark with a Super Kick while Hammer hits a ManiacLock Suplex (Hammer Lock Suplex) into a bridge, before the referee counts the pin Furious grabs Mark’s legs and locks in the Furious Crab (Walls of Jericho (Boston Crab)). Mark taps and Technical Disator picks up their first tag team victory against the former champs!
“They may have a very bright future in SSAW after that!” says Gold.
We head backstage
“Nah, Tri Bute says that won’t happen,” says Exe Cution (David Hart Smith).
“It wouldn’t be the first time he was wrong,” snaps back Vio Lent (Tyler Black).
Ozzy Chase walks by but notices Lent and passes him a note and says it’s from The Rock.
“Dear Jabroni,
Big surprise after your match, which is next. By the way if you are caught cheating in that match, you will be disqualified,” reads Lent.
“Like always?”
“Yep, he’s a dumbo don’t worry about it. BTDUBS after I beat that nerd we are gonna tape him so HARD. Then he’ll be all ours. Exe, get ready, BECAUSE TONIGHT WE ARE TAKING THE PAST!” declares Lent!
“Taking The Past? Oh I get it. That’s what we should call our cool stable, or is it like a catchphrase?”
“BOTH!”
Vio Lent and Exe Cution high five.
LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
NO ONE CONDEMING YOU
LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS YOU
LED TO THE WATER
“I bring you pain, the kind you can’t suffer quietly,” says Zack Sabre Jr. as he locks in a Coquina Clutch on Vio Lent. Lent verbally submits but it doesn’t count because the match didn’t start yet. Exe Cution stomps on Sabre’s head to break up the submission move and then Cution and Lent start beating the crop out of him.
“This is why you don’t stoop to their level Zacky!” says Buackson.
“When you fight fire with fire, you get burned!” says Gold.
Cution and Lent take Zack to the ring, stopping every five steps to do a bunch of stiff slaps to the face. Eventually they toss him into the ring, Lent rollins and the match begins. Lent hits a ROLLING BIG BOOT followed by a ROLLING KNOCKOUT PUNCH. He goes for a pin but Zacky kicks out at two! Vio Lent locks in a chokehold but since Zack is a submission expert he breaks out of it and chops the butt out of Vio. Vio and Zack immediately start trading kicks. After about forty-five kicks each they both reach into their trucks and pull out a feather.
“Hold on, are they both going to use advanced fighting techniques from the future?” asks Gold.
“Maybe Vio will get a….um…tickle of his own medicine!” says Buack. Gold laughs at that for some reason.
Vio and Zack go back and forth as they circle the ring and leap towards each other and try to tickle fight. After a few minutes of them circling the ring and almost touching the other with the feather, the referee gets irritated and takes both feathers away, he says that they aren’t allowed because they are foreign objects.
“He’s got a point they have proved to be lethal in the past,”
Vio and Zack start trading kicks again, until Vio hits a good kick and takes Zack down. Vio pins him for the three to win the match and retain the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship.
“As it seems without a shadow of a doubt, Vio Lent has beaten Zack in a fair fight and truly deserves to be the champ,” says Buack.
“Hold him down Exe! It’s tape time brah!” orders Lent. Exe Cution handcuffs Zack to the bottom rope and then reaches into his pocket and pulls out some masking tape. He hands it to Lent. Lent takes some lent off of it. He is about to stick it to Sabre’s forehead when.
KICK IT
“Andy Ridge is back mo’suckra!” says Buackson!
Vio expects him to come down the ramp but instead Ridge jumps him from behind and hits a double stomp to his back. Then he hits a Yakuza Kick to Cution. Ridge picks up a microphone.
“Don’t worry Sabre, I’ll let you out of those cuffs in a second. So? How did you guys like that? I came back from rehab from my drinking problem, tonight, AND I TOTALLY WHOOPED SOME BUTT. Pretty good for someone who does heroine and crack, right?
But yeah, I’m clean now; literally I just got out of the shower and put on my trunks. Laugh out loud. So any way, Vio Lent! You’ve been calling me names long enough. So I told The Rock that I wanted to have my first match back be a good one. So he was like, how about a Ladder Match? I was all like that’s swag man kk against Vio for the belt right and he was all if he walks out with it and I was all like tight brah, at Eternal Suffrage 2 right? He was like it’s actually called Eternal Suffering 2, but yeah. So I WAS LIKE send him a vague memo and he was like AIGH’T,” says Ridge and there you have it I guess.
Ridge unlocks the handcuffs for Zack Sabre Jr. and they celebrate and head to the back.
Backstage, Kyle O’Reilly and Mild Walsh are chillin’.
“I’m a sports agent Ky-Ky. It’s my job,” says Walsh.
“I know but, we are bad guys now. It’s time to be tough. Remember Jagged?” asks O’Reilly
“Yes, he’s a beach, now get ready for your match, I’m a sports agent goshdarnit,” demands Walsh.
“Okay,”
“Okay what?” asks Walsh
“Okay, sir,” retorts O’Reilly.
O’Reilly puts on wrist tape and rubs oil on his chest.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
OF A FAR-OFF PLACE
WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME
WILL BE WAITING FOR ME
WHERE THE CROWDS WILL CHEER
WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE
AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING
THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE
WERP
EXCEPT NOW
I’M A HEEL
AND I’M TAKE
ING OVER
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
BEACHES
“Oh, great it’s that dumb beach Ky-Ky,” says Gold.
“I hate that guy,” says Buack.
Kyle O’Reilly comes out of back and the crowd starts throwing trash at Kyle because he is a bad guy. Mild Walsh comes out with him and he is smoking a cigar. A little kid gives him a bad way so he blows smoke in his face. Kyle O runs the ropes while TJP enters and his song plays. I don’t really feel like putting the lyrics in all caps right now.
They trade kicks as the bell rings but after a minute or so Kyle dodges one and hits a German Suplex, Kyle poses and spits on TJP’s face. TJP punches Kyle really good in the leg and starts doing a bunch of flippy moves and kicks Kyle a few times too. TJP is about to hit a Shooting Star Piledriver but the time limit expires and the match is a draw. TJP goes to shake hands with Kyle but since he is a bad guy now he kicks TJP in the face and punches him three times in the leg. Mild Walsh enters with a microphone.
“TJP doesn’t shake hands with dumbos, I’m gonna tell you this, I think you’re dumb and stupid!” says Walsh as he dishes out high fives.
ONE MAN
MANY FRIENDS
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER FRIENDS
SUPER BROS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
Jagged rolls into the ring and chases off both men before they could continue the verbal berating of TJP. Walsh and Kyle shouts curse you to Jagged while they run up the ramp and shake their fists.
“Thank you for saving me Jagged!” breathes TJP, he can barely get the words out due to his brutal beating.
“No problem, all in a days work, brah,” Jagged smiles at TJP and helps him to his feet.
“Don’t you just love happy endings Buack,” says Gold.
“I like it more when they all die at the end actually, but don’t worry, the show isn’t over yet so there is still time for that!” says Buackson.
We head backstage where The Natural Born Grillers (Francis Barbecue and Gene Barbecue) are flipping burgers with a spatula instead of a wiener. Papa Barbecue walks in and the two stop that crop.
“Boys, were you trying to give the burger an organism or something?” says Papa.
“Um…no, we were um,”
“Trying to procreate, with it or something,”
“Well, then you’d have to use an actual wiener, like this,” says Papa Barbecue as he reaches into his pants and reveals his wiener. It is quite large. His sons are amazed as he pokes the wiener through the burger. “There you have it, I have made the burger into a Hot Dog Burger, using my wiener,” declares Papa Barbecue. The Natural Born Grillers clap for this brilliant new invention.
“Now boys you got a match next, so you can’t be eating right now, you’ll throw up again,” says Papa
“But daddy!”
“No buts, go defend the belts now, I’ll be rooting for you,” says Papa Barbecue fatherly. Francis and Gene pout as they head to the ring followed by their dad.
The SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships are on the line, “Too Sauce To Handle” Gene Barbecue and “A1” Francis Barbecue take on the team of Lighting In The Jungle which is “Mysterious” Ern Mystery and “Speedy” Marcus Speed. Both teams fought long and fought hard.
It was a really cool match. The Natural Born Grillers retained when they hit “More Sauce For Your Steak” to Ern Mystery, which is when Gene hits a steamroller to an opponent onto Francis’ knees. The grillers celebrate.
The main event of the evening was next, SSAW Global Warrior Champion “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett faced off against “The Master of Satriani”…Master Satriani. Satriani used his sumo moves against JBC and knocked him out of the ring. He started celebrating but the referee told him it wasn’t a sumo match. This made Satriani mad so he power bombed the referee. Master Satriani and John Boy started brawling all over the place. Then they start trading stone chair shots and the body counts just keep rising and rising.
“34 kids have died using stone chairs during this match, and it hasn’t even aired in the West coast yet!” shouts Buackson.
“I hate it when kids die! This is sad to me!” says Gold.
“Don’t get peey, Gold,”
“Don’t tell me what to do. I’m an adult,” says Gold as he crosses his arms and pouts.
Master Satriani hits a Tombstone Piledriver through a table then rolls JBC into the ring. He goes for a pin and another referee runs in from the back (the 1st one got power bombed).
One…
2…
“OH FLIP HE KICKED OUT!”
Master Satriani starts punching JBC in the face repeatedly, then he starts slapping him. Master Satriani takes off his headband and starts head butting JBC’s arm. The referee checks JBC’s pulse and he is still alive. Master Satriani locks in the Headlock of Deathlock (Headlock) the referee frantically checks JBC’s pulse again.
“NOT THIS WAY Master Satriani has put away 430 wrestlers with this hold and no one has even broke out of it, EVER, we will have a new SSAW Global Warrior champ. If JBC doesn’t tap, he will surely die!” explains Gold.
The crowd gets behind JBC and starts clapping for his comeback! Somehow JBC is able to fight to his feet and hit a backbreaker. Then JBC hits The Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam) to get the three.
“Holy ship! He’s done it. He will go down in history as the 1st person to ever break out of the Headlock of Deathlock!” says Buackson.
“Further proof that when there’s odds that need defying, well, um, “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett is someone you can count on to follow through,” says Gold.
John Boy Corbett picks up a microphone and starts talking into it. “Everyone give a big hand to my opponent who came all the way from Japan to fight me hard. We had a great match and it was almost worth all those children losing their lives and dieing,” says Corbett.
The crowd claps for Master Satriani and JBC extends his hand to “The Master of Satriani”, Satriani take the hand and shakes it. THEN MASTER SATRIANI KICKS JBC IN THE BALLS.
“What a price! Who’d kick a guy in the dock?” asks Gold.
“There are a lot of aceholes, Jonathon,” says Buackson.
Master Satriani kicks JBC while he is on the ground and laughs as the scene fades to black.
LATER THAT EVENING
“What happened,” says somebody in Japanese.
“You’re dead,” says a voice.
The guy who said what happened in Japanese starts looking around, he tries to stand up but soon realizes he is tied to a chair that is bolted to the ground.
“Okay, well you’re not really dead, I’m just trying to teach you a lesson, Satriani, don’t mess with my man or there will be trouble,” says the voice.
Then there is a gunshot sound.
“Like trouble with guns,” says the voice again as the scene fades to black.
12/4/23
The Japanese guy apparently disappeared after the PPV ended last night. It may have been the Yakuza!
Chris Sabin has finished mime school he will be working the Vegas Strip pretty soon. When asked to comment on if he misses wrestling Sabin said, “Not really, ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a mime because they get mad Plessy v. Ferguson. I’m all about separate but equal, not in the racist way though, like MLK is a great guy who is dead. But I mean, well, when you’re a mime people aren’t always like “hit this guy with a stone chair” they are nice instead, and well I like that I guess,”
TJP was hit by a car after the PPV and may be out of action for a year. He was trying to remember what he was strolling along and it came out of nowhere. This gave a clue at TJP’s identity, he is anonymous after all.
12/25/23
It is X-Mas and SSAW is doing a “Super Special Awesome Omega Sale” on DVDs. SSAW Revolution is only 11$ which is super cheap for the newest mdickie game.
More children ages 9 to 11 have died after receiving SSAW DVDs where there were stone chair shots. The body count is over 300 now, this may be the most murders SSAW committed at once. Experts are predicting that this will end up like 9/11 times 4000. Yes, 3,644,00.
12/59/23
Judge Sapphire has ruled on several of the murders committed by SSAW. They have been innocent so far. When SSAW were asked about this they said, “We don’t care about the families of the victims, we are an edgy program,”
Eternal Suffering 2 is just seven days away and we are 1 away from 2024. Trust me, the card is so flipping full of crazy swag you couldn’t even believe it’s only 90$
SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship – Ladder Match – The Biggest Lightweight Match In Wrestling History of Ever
Vio Lent © vs. Andy Ridge
They are saying the show will be available in 478 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
MY WORLD IS OVER
IT HURTS, MY ARM HURTS LIKE HECK!
The Rock has given me the rest of the year off to heal up. But after that your world comes to an end. 2024 is the year of THE FUTURE WARRIOR!
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
After 7 years, Sumo wrestling the ship out of a bunch of suicidal Japanese, I have returned to SSAW and I’m here to reclaim my spot as the biggest bad butt in this flippin’ hood!
You have been forewarned!,
“The Master of Satriani” Master Satriani “The Sumo Warrior”
Dear Diary,
WELCOME TO THE SMACKDOWN HOTEL
The main event of this show will be really swag, the guy who is a legend in Japan, Master Satriani will get a title belt shot at JBC, jabroni!
IF YOU SMELL WHAT DA ROCK IS COOKIN,
“The People’s Super Awesome Comish” The Rock “The Most Electrifying Man In Sports Entertainment”
Dear Diary,
It is just so hard to stay mad at Mr. Buackson. He was so persistent and caring. He visited me in the hospital every day and brought me freshly baked cookies while I was recouping from my fall. Once I could walk again he took me to the beach for a celebratory picnic. Champagne, caviar, fried chicken, and love, it was the best picnic ever.
Regards,
Jonathon Gold
Christmas At Ground Zero 2
December 3rd 2023
The Other Super Special Awesome Dome, New York, New York and broadcasted across the globe in 427 languages and American dialects!
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac defeated Amazing Halo after hitting Gemini To Sleep (Go To Sleep) and getting the three in the dark match.
In our opening contest, Neil Furious and Hammer Maniac faced off against “Drillbit” Jay Briscoe and “Stardust” Mark Briscoe. Neil Furious started off for his team and did submission moves. Jay Briscoe was about to tap but instead he thumbed Neil in the eye and tagged in Mark who was a house on fire. Or of fire whatever. He kicked Neil in the face really hard knocking him into his corner and Hammer was tagged in. They started trading punches but the fans were clearly on Hammer’s side because they said yay when he punched Mark and boo when Mark punched Hammer. It was just like a real wrestling show. HAMMER THEN HIT A ROLLING ELBOW.
1….
2….
NO! GOSH NO! HE KICKED OUT! WIZARD GOD NO!
“Mark hasn’t got all his ship in yet!” says Buackson.
Mark hits like 12 elbows to the face of Hammer then hits him with an Enziguri followed by a Super Kick while he was on his knees. Mark goes to the top rope and does Shooting Stardust (Shooting Star Press) but Maniac rolls out of the way just in time. He locks in the ManiacLock (Hammer Lock) and then Neil rolls into the ring and hits Mark with a Super Kick while Hammer hits a ManiacLock Suplex (Hammer Lock Suplex) into a bridge, before the referee counts the pin Furious grabs Mark’s legs and locks in the Furious Crab (Walls of Jericho (Boston Crab)). Mark taps and Technical Disator picks up their first tag team victory against the former champs!
“They may have a very bright future in SSAW after that!” says Gold.
We head backstage
“Nah, Tri Bute says that won’t happen,” says Exe Cution (David Hart Smith).
“It wouldn’t be the first time he was wrong,” snaps back Vio Lent (Tyler Black).
Ozzy Chase walks by but notices Lent and passes him a note and says it’s from The Rock.
“Dear Jabroni,
Big surprise after your match, which is next. By the way if you are caught cheating in that match, you will be disqualified,” reads Lent.
“Like always?”
“Yep, he’s a dumbo don’t worry about it. BTDUBS after I beat that nerd we are gonna tape him so HARD. Then he’ll be all ours. Exe, get ready, BECAUSE TONIGHT WE ARE TAKING THE PAST!” declares Lent!
“Taking The Past? Oh I get it. That’s what we should call our cool stable, or is it like a catchphrase?”
“BOTH!”
Vio Lent and Exe Cution high five.
LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
NO ONE CONDEMING YOU
LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS YOU
LED TO THE WATER
“I bring you pain, the kind you can’t suffer quietly,” says Zack Sabre Jr. as he locks in a Coquina Clutch on Vio Lent. Lent verbally submits but it doesn’t count because the match didn’t start yet. Exe Cution stomps on Sabre’s head to break up the submission move and then Cution and Lent start beating the crop out of him.
“This is why you don’t stoop to their level Zacky!” says Buackson.
“When you fight fire with fire, you get burned!” says Gold.
Cution and Lent take Zack to the ring, stopping every five steps to do a bunch of stiff slaps to the face. Eventually they toss him into the ring, Lent rollins and the match begins. Lent hits a ROLLING BIG BOOT followed by a ROLLING KNOCKOUT PUNCH. He goes for a pin but Zacky kicks out at two! Vio Lent locks in a chokehold but since Zack is a submission expert he breaks out of it and chops the butt out of Vio. Vio and Zack immediately start trading kicks. After about forty-five kicks each they both reach into their trucks and pull out a feather.
“Hold on, are they both going to use advanced fighting techniques from the future?” asks Gold.
“Maybe Vio will get a….um…tickle of his own medicine!” says Buack. Gold laughs at that for some reason.
Vio and Zack go back and forth as they circle the ring and leap towards each other and try to tickle fight. After a few minutes of them circling the ring and almost touching the other with the feather, the referee gets irritated and takes both feathers away, he says that they aren’t allowed because they are foreign objects.
“He’s got a point they have proved to be lethal in the past,”
Vio and Zack start trading kicks again, until Vio hits a good kick and takes Zack down. Vio pins him for the three to win the match and retain the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship.
“As it seems without a shadow of a doubt, Vio Lent has beaten Zack in a fair fight and truly deserves to be the champ,” says Buack.
“Hold him down Exe! It’s tape time brah!” orders Lent. Exe Cution handcuffs Zack to the bottom rope and then reaches into his pocket and pulls out some masking tape. He hands it to Lent. Lent takes some lent off of it. He is about to stick it to Sabre’s forehead when.
KICK IT
“Andy Ridge is back mo’suckra!” says Buackson!
Vio expects him to come down the ramp but instead Ridge jumps him from behind and hits a double stomp to his back. Then he hits a Yakuza Kick to Cution. Ridge picks up a microphone.
“Don’t worry Sabre, I’ll let you out of those cuffs in a second. So? How did you guys like that? I came back from rehab from my drinking problem, tonight, AND I TOTALLY WHOOPED SOME BUTT. Pretty good for someone who does heroine and crack, right?
But yeah, I’m clean now; literally I just got out of the shower and put on my trunks. Laugh out loud. So any way, Vio Lent! You’ve been calling me names long enough. So I told The Rock that I wanted to have my first match back be a good one. So he was like, how about a Ladder Match? I was all like that’s swag man kk against Vio for the belt right and he was all if he walks out with it and I was all like tight brah, at Eternal Suffrage 2 right? He was like it’s actually called Eternal Suffering 2, but yeah. So I WAS LIKE send him a vague memo and he was like AIGH’T,” says Ridge and there you have it I guess.
Ridge unlocks the handcuffs for Zack Sabre Jr. and they celebrate and head to the back.
Backstage, Kyle O’Reilly and Mild Walsh are chillin’.
“I’m a sports agent Ky-Ky. It’s my job,” says Walsh.
“I know but, we are bad guys now. It’s time to be tough. Remember Jagged?” asks O’Reilly
“Yes, he’s a beach, now get ready for your match, I’m a sports agent goshdarnit,” demands Walsh.
“Okay,”
“Okay what?” asks Walsh
“Okay, sir,” retorts O’Reilly.
O’Reilly puts on wrist tape and rubs oil on his chest.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
OF A FAR-OFF PLACE
WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME
WILL BE WAITING FOR ME
WHERE THE CROWDS WILL CHEER
WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE
AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING
THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE
WERP
EXCEPT NOW
I’M A HEEL
AND I’M TAKE
ING OVER
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
BEACHES
“Oh, great it’s that dumb beach Ky-Ky,” says Gold.
“I hate that guy,” says Buack.
Kyle O’Reilly comes out of back and the crowd starts throwing trash at Kyle because he is a bad guy. Mild Walsh comes out with him and he is smoking a cigar. A little kid gives him a bad way so he blows smoke in his face. Kyle O runs the ropes while TJP enters and his song plays. I don’t really feel like putting the lyrics in all caps right now.
They trade kicks as the bell rings but after a minute or so Kyle dodges one and hits a German Suplex, Kyle poses and spits on TJP’s face. TJP punches Kyle really good in the leg and starts doing a bunch of flippy moves and kicks Kyle a few times too. TJP is about to hit a Shooting Star Piledriver but the time limit expires and the match is a draw. TJP goes to shake hands with Kyle but since he is a bad guy now he kicks TJP in the face and punches him three times in the leg. Mild Walsh enters with a microphone.
“TJP doesn’t shake hands with dumbos, I’m gonna tell you this, I think you’re dumb and stupid!” says Walsh as he dishes out high fives.
ONE MAN
MANY FRIENDS
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER FRIENDS
SUPER BROS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
Jagged rolls into the ring and chases off both men before they could continue the verbal berating of TJP. Walsh and Kyle shouts curse you to Jagged while they run up the ramp and shake their fists.
“Thank you for saving me Jagged!” breathes TJP, he can barely get the words out due to his brutal beating.
“No problem, all in a days work, brah,” Jagged smiles at TJP and helps him to his feet.
“Don’t you just love happy endings Buack,” says Gold.
“I like it more when they all die at the end actually, but don’t worry, the show isn’t over yet so there is still time for that!” says Buackson.
We head backstage where The Natural Born Grillers (Francis Barbecue and Gene Barbecue) are flipping burgers with a spatula instead of a wiener. Papa Barbecue walks in and the two stop that crop.
“Boys, were you trying to give the burger an organism or something?” says Papa.
“Um…no, we were um,”
“Trying to procreate, with it or something,”
“Well, then you’d have to use an actual wiener, like this,” says Papa Barbecue as he reaches into his pants and reveals his wiener. It is quite large. His sons are amazed as he pokes the wiener through the burger. “There you have it, I have made the burger into a Hot Dog Burger, using my wiener,” declares Papa Barbecue. The Natural Born Grillers clap for this brilliant new invention.
“Now boys you got a match next, so you can’t be eating right now, you’ll throw up again,” says Papa
“But daddy!”
“No buts, go defend the belts now, I’ll be rooting for you,” says Papa Barbecue fatherly. Francis and Gene pout as they head to the ring followed by their dad.
The SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships are on the line, “Too Sauce To Handle” Gene Barbecue and “A1” Francis Barbecue take on the team of Lighting In The Jungle which is “Mysterious” Ern Mystery and “Speedy” Marcus Speed. Both teams fought long and fought hard.
It was a really cool match. The Natural Born Grillers retained when they hit “More Sauce For Your Steak” to Ern Mystery, which is when Gene hits a steamroller to an opponent onto Francis’ knees. The grillers celebrate.
The main event of the evening was next, SSAW Global Warrior Champion “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett faced off against “The Master of Satriani”…Master Satriani. Satriani used his sumo moves against JBC and knocked him out of the ring. He started celebrating but the referee told him it wasn’t a sumo match. This made Satriani mad so he power bombed the referee. Master Satriani and John Boy started brawling all over the place. Then they start trading stone chair shots and the body counts just keep rising and rising.
“34 kids have died using stone chairs during this match, and it hasn’t even aired in the West coast yet!” shouts Buackson.
“I hate it when kids die! This is sad to me!” says Gold.
“Don’t get peey, Gold,”
“Don’t tell me what to do. I’m an adult,” says Gold as he crosses his arms and pouts.
Master Satriani hits a Tombstone Piledriver through a table then rolls JBC into the ring. He goes for a pin and another referee runs in from the back (the 1st one got power bombed).
One…
2…
“OH FLIP HE KICKED OUT!”
Master Satriani starts punching JBC in the face repeatedly, then he starts slapping him. Master Satriani takes off his headband and starts head butting JBC’s arm. The referee checks JBC’s pulse and he is still alive. Master Satriani locks in the Headlock of Deathlock (Headlock) the referee frantically checks JBC’s pulse again.
“NOT THIS WAY Master Satriani has put away 430 wrestlers with this hold and no one has even broke out of it, EVER, we will have a new SSAW Global Warrior champ. If JBC doesn’t tap, he will surely die!” explains Gold.
The crowd gets behind JBC and starts clapping for his comeback! Somehow JBC is able to fight to his feet and hit a backbreaker. Then JBC hits The Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam) to get the three.
“Holy ship! He’s done it. He will go down in history as the 1st person to ever break out of the Headlock of Deathlock!” says Buackson.
“Further proof that when there’s odds that need defying, well, um, “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett is someone you can count on to follow through,” says Gold.
John Boy Corbett picks up a microphone and starts talking into it. “Everyone give a big hand to my opponent who came all the way from Japan to fight me hard. We had a great match and it was almost worth all those children losing their lives and dieing,” says Corbett.
The crowd claps for Master Satriani and JBC extends his hand to “The Master of Satriani”, Satriani take the hand and shakes it. THEN MASTER SATRIANI KICKS JBC IN THE BALLS.
“What a price! Who’d kick a guy in the dock?” asks Gold.
“There are a lot of aceholes, Jonathon,” says Buackson.
Master Satriani kicks JBC while he is on the ground and laughs as the scene fades to black.
LATER THAT EVENING
“What happened,” says somebody in Japanese.
“You’re dead,” says a voice.
The guy who said what happened in Japanese starts looking around, he tries to stand up but soon realizes he is tied to a chair that is bolted to the ground.
“Okay, well you’re not really dead, I’m just trying to teach you a lesson, Satriani, don’t mess with my man or there will be trouble,” says the voice.
Then there is a gunshot sound.
“Like trouble with guns,” says the voice again as the scene fades to black.
12/4/23
The Japanese guy apparently disappeared after the PPV ended last night. It may have been the Yakuza!
Chris Sabin has finished mime school he will be working the Vegas Strip pretty soon. When asked to comment on if he misses wrestling Sabin said, “Not really, ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a mime because they get mad Plessy v. Ferguson. I’m all about separate but equal, not in the racist way though, like MLK is a great guy who is dead. But I mean, well, when you’re a mime people aren’t always like “hit this guy with a stone chair” they are nice instead, and well I like that I guess,”
TJP was hit by a car after the PPV and may be out of action for a year. He was trying to remember what he was strolling along and it came out of nowhere. This gave a clue at TJP’s identity, he is anonymous after all.
12/25/23
It is X-Mas and SSAW is doing a “Super Special Awesome Omega Sale” on DVDs. SSAW Revolution is only 11$ which is super cheap for the newest mdickie game.
More children ages 9 to 11 have died after receiving SSAW DVDs where there were stone chair shots. The body count is over 300 now, this may be the most murders SSAW committed at once. Experts are predicting that this will end up like 9/11 times 4000. Yes, 3,644,00.
12/59/23
Judge Sapphire has ruled on several of the murders committed by SSAW. They have been innocent so far. When SSAW were asked about this they said, “We don’t care about the families of the victims, we are an edgy program,”
Eternal Suffering 2 is just seven days away and we are 1 away from 2024. Trust me, the card is so flipping full of crazy swag you couldn’t even believe it’s only 90$
SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship – Ladder Match – The Biggest Lightweight Match In Wrestling History of Ever
Vio Lent © vs. Andy Ridge
They are saying the show will be available in 478 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
Do You Want A Backrub?
Dear Diary,
It’s really cold in here and I have no idea what day it is or anything. A rope binds my arms and I am stuck to this chair. I’m beginning to wonder how I am writing this in the first place but since there is a guy from the future around here somewhere. Well, whatever. I’m a goshdarn sumo warrior for Pete’s sake, why is some lunatic with a gun here holding me up? What does crazy face want with me?
Hopefully I’m out soon,
“The Master of Satriani” Master Satriani “The Sumo Warrior”
Dear Diary,
You know LADDERS? Course you do, LADDERS are nice! LADDERS are your friends! LADDERS help you get places you could never go without the extra height they provide. If you can’t understand that you don’t understand LADDERS.
Rehab was nice haven’t drank anything since. Even water. Get it? Nevermind. LADDERS I was writing about LADDERS. LADDERS are how you win ladder matches. You climb up them and ship. It’s a pretty interesting concept. Wanna know what happened to the first guy who lost a ladder match in SSAW? He got hit by a car. LADDERS are a dangerous thing Lenty, I wouldn’t want to get caught dead with LADDERS.
Enough rambling, Vio Lent “The Present Warrior”, well tonight I will use my friends, they are all LADDERS btdubs, to climb to places I could never get to without the extra height it provides, isn’t that nice. No, LADDERS are nice, read back it’s the second part of my second sentence. Oh yeah, and when I climb the LADDERS I will get your title belt which will then become my title belt.
ALL IN ALL, Lenty, you lose your belt, I climb LADDERS, and then you’ll get hit by a car, ‘cause that’s what happens when you lose and LADDERS are involved.
See you in the aftermath.
Peace,
“Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge
PS: The match will be pretty violent. Get it?
Dear Diary,
Hey! I can’t believe I’m finally getting my title match tonight. The #1 contender tournament ended like months ago, but those buttholes beat me up. John Boy Corbett is a cool guy but he is no Griller. He can’t flip a burger the way I can. I am the best at that, they always get an organism. I’m cereal. Okay well the most important thing is one having fun and two kickin’ butt which is the game plan for tonight. JBC I’m gonna turn up the burners and take your belt.
Yours truly,
“A1” Francis Barbecue, One Half of The SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Champions
DEAR DIARY,
I AM IN A RAGE, TONIGHT I RETURN WITH A VENGEANCE!
It is set I will put the tape to Gene Barbecue and own his life; I think I’ll call him Bar Becue or maybe Spa Tula. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HIS NAME IS. He’ll be my slave, and with one half of the tag titles under my control and the lightweight belt Lenty has, which is also under my control, The Rock, won’t be able to stop us he’ll be forced to put me up against JBC and this time I won’t fall for his tricks, for his CHEATING.
I CAN’T BLEED, HOW DID HE MAKE ME BLEED?
Whatever, Gene goes down, Gene gets tape, Lent retains belt, and then WE ARE TAKING THE PAST. Lenty thought of that name, cute right?
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
The way he sits there at his desk, oh! The way he commentates on matches, gosh! The way he’s 11 times cuter than Darren Criss, aw! I need him. Buackson you crazy son of a gun, I love you and someday we will be together forever.
Hopelessly in love,
Jonathon Gold
Dear Diary,
Just got married to the most beautiful woman in the world, looking forward to a loving marriage and to a loving wife. Our babies are going to be so cute.
Off the market,
Johnny Buackson
Eternal Suffering 2
January 7th 2024
The Super Special Awesome Dome in Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe in 478 languages and American dialects!
Amazing Halo and “Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac went to a 10-minute time limit draw with “The Arabian Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. and “The Pirate” El Hijo Del Pirata Morgan in the dark match.
“The Agent” Mild Walsh and “Never Forget” “Blockbuster” “Loveless” Kyle O’Reilly are chilling backstage.
“Now, Kyle, I want you to go out there and kill Amasis show “The First Lightweight” what a true mo’suckra is,” says Walsh.
“That won’t be too hard, since I AM A BADGUY NOW, I will break the rules and beat this punk butt Amasis,” says O’Reilly. “I will kick the ship out of Amasis, I PROMISE!”
“Good boy!”
Kyle puts on his wrist tape and rubs oil on his chest, now he’s finally ready, oh so ready to go!
OHDA
RUDA
MUDA
PUNTA
GRUNDA
WANDA MONDA
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Amasis does the Rey Mysterio thing and jumps onto the stage. It is really cool.
“What a dynamic entrance! I’ve never seen anything like that before!” says Buackson.
“It’s a lovely entrance,”
Amasis rolls into the ring and starts pounding the mat until his opponent comes out, but Kyle O’Reilly attacks him from behind. Kyle locks in the Walls of O’Reilly (Furious Crab (Walls of Jericho (Boston Crab))). Amasis may tap to this but not fast enough so Kyle stomps on his head over and over, but Amasis hits a leg chop that forces Kyle to release the hold. Amasis and Kyle O’Reilly start trading kicks to the face. Amasis hit a Superkick but O’Reilly merely staggers and then hits a ROLLING DDT. Then he picks up Amasis and tosses him onto the other side of the ropes. He then grabs Amasis and pulls him through the ropes and hits a Rope Hung DDT. Amasis gets out at 2.
Kyle starts chopping Amasis repeatedly in the back. It hurts him. He goes for another pin but Amasis kicks out at 2. Kyle starts pounding the mat as Amasis gets to his feet and the tries to hit a ROLLING RKO but Amasis dodges it and grabs Kyle and goes for a Brainbuster but Kyle hits A-Mass with a knee to stop it just in time.
“IF AMASIS HAD HIT THE BRAINBUSTER IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER!”
Amasis hits Kyle with 15 slaps and tries to hit the ‘buster again but Kyle is still able to reverse it. Kyle hits a high chest kick knocking Amasis into the ropes but he bounces off of them and hits a ROLLING BIG BOOT, then a ROLLING BACK ELBOW. Amasis tries to hit a ROLLING BRAINBUSTER but Kyle counters into a Triple Powerbomb for a two count. It was a near fall though so Kyle tries to get the referee to change his decision, when he turns back around Amasis hits the Brainbuster and goes for a pin.
ONE!…
KYLE KICKS OUT AT ONE. KYLE HITS A CHOP TO THE ARM.
1….
2….
3! KYLE’S GOT IT! Kyle picks up a microphone.
“Some finisher, I kicked out at one! Pfft! Amasis you are a joke AND YOUR THEME MUSIC IS DUMB!” says Kyle O’Reilly “Never Forget” “Blockbuster” “Loveless”
Mild Walsh rolls into the ring and starts stomping on Amasis. Then he picks Amasis up and puts him in between Kyle’s legs. Kyle hits him with a Spike Piledriver. Walsh checks Amasis’ pulse, he has a heartbeat so Mild Walsh hits him over the head with a stone chair.
“This is pretty darn brutal, he’s beating him down pretty hard,” says Gold.
“Reminds me of last night with my wife,” says Buackson.
Gold falls out of his chair. “What?”
“Oh, I meant the hard part, not the brutal part,” says Buackson.
ONE MAN
MANY FRIENDS
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER FRIENDS
SUPER BROS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
“It’s Jagged, our hero has arrived!” says Buackson.
“What?”
Jagged cleans house with a stone chair. Walsh and Kyle retreat up the ramp and shake their fists at Jagged, they don’t like it when he cleans house! Jagged frantically checks Amasis’ pulse, he takes out his phone and dials 911 for help.
“Yes, I need an ambulance please, it’s an emergency, and his heart isn’t beating! I’m at the Super Special Awesome Dome in Ryan! Please help! Thank you!” says Jagged.
STEP ONE YOU SAY WE NEED TO TALK
HE WALKS YOU SAY SIT DOWN IT’S JUST A TALK
YOU STARE POLITELY RIGHT ON THROUGH
SOME SORT OF WINDOW TO YOUR RIGHT
AS HE GOES LEFT AND YOU STAY RIGHT
BETWEEN THE LINES OF FEAR AND BLAME
YOU BEGIN TO WONDER WHY YOU CAME
Two medics come from the back and roll in with a gurney.
“You guys came fast,” says Jagged
“We always come fast!” says the medics in unison.
“Quick pass me a bandage!” says the one with Pring on his nametag.
“Alright!”
“All better!” says Amasis, “You three guys are heroes who have saved my life,”
FIND LIGHT IN THE BEAUTIFUL SEA
I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY
YOU AND I
YOU AND I
WE’RE LIKE DIAMONDS IN THE SKY
“Mysterious” Ern Mystery and “Very Speedy” Holden Ross jump out from the back with microphones.
“This is so touching,” says Mystery.
“He’s just kidding! You guys are lame! You guys really think you can just walk in here and be heroes?” asks Holden Ross.
“Jagged, why don’t you and Amasis hold hands and walk yourselves to the back, so we can kick the new kids’ tiny dumb butts,” says Mystery.
Jagged and Amasis do as the team of Lightning In The Jungle say, leaving the medics in the ring. The one that’s nametag says Pring walks over to the other guy.
“Let’s fight’em I always wanted to be a wrestler!” says Pring.
“Yeah, but what would we call ourselves?” says the other one.
“Well you’re a doctor and you’re last name is Wood, so you’ll be Doctor Wood, and then I’ll be Doctor Pring. And, we’ll be a team!” says Doctor Pring.
“AND WHEN OUR COMBINED POWERS COME TOGETHER WE BECOME….um,” says Doctor Wood.
“THE HEALING POWERS,” finishes Doctor Pring! “Get it? We’re like Hogan and Savage but we’re doctors! Everyone will be like WOAH SWAG!” says Doctor Pring!
Wood picks up a microphone. “Ok, punk butts! We accept your challenge and WE WILL KICK YOUR ACES!” says Doctor Wood!
“After we beat you we’ll take you to the back on the stretcher we took to the ring, then we’ll make you feel better, um, and be ready to kick your butt again!” says Doctor Pring!
Lightning In The Jungle run to the ring and the match kicks off. Pring and Wood show off their awesome highflying healing powers with stereo Front-Flip Dropkicks, immediately both pinning their opponents but they both kick out at two. Both The Healing Powers lock in Armbars. The Jungle Lightning guys escape from the hold and both hit suplexes to The Healing Powers, then Ross tosses Doctor Wood out of the ring and dives onto him. Ern Mystery hits a stiff kick to Doctor Pring taking him off his feet then he climbs to the top rope and signals for the Swandive Headbutt (Shooting Star Headbutt) he hits it for a three count.
Ern Mystery and Holden Ross laugh about how easy it was to defeat those nerds as they walk to the back.
We go backstage where Gene Barbecue is preparing for his match. He is trying to flip a burger but correctly like Papa showed him. Papa Barbecue interrupts him.
“No, bad, you can’t eat now you have a match against an extremely powerful opponent next, he’s from the future,” says Papa Barbecue.
“But daddy! I’m hungry!” says Gene as he crosses his arms and pouts.
“Last time you ate before your match you threw up all over the place, that wasn’t good, it made our happy family look bad. WE DON’T WANT TO LOOK BAD GENE! Don’t make Papa Barbecue give you a whippin’ NO BUTS,” yells Papa Barbecue as he strikes his whip on the ground.
“I’m sorry daddy,” pleads Gene.
“Jesus loves you, as do I, now go fight Tri Bute, before I give you a beating for being too slow,” orders Papa Barbecue.
“Parents abusing their adult children, how edgy are we, Gold?” asks Buackson.
“What?” says Gold, still stunned from earlier I suppose.
A casket lowers from the rafters decorated with purple skulls and the like, there are also flames and there is barbwire on the bottom. Think of the coolest casket ever, multiply it by 40 swags and that’s what you got. It hits the ground and the touchdown themes stars playing.
TAKE MY LOVE
TAKE MY LAND
TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND
I DON’T CARE
I’M STILL FREE
YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME
The casket pops open and then dawns the glorious return of “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”.
“Someday I’ll be living in a big old city and all your ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me and all your ever gonna be is mean
WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO MEAN?” sings Tri Bute. “Do you guys like that little ditty? That’s the kind of crop Gene Barbecue listens to, yeah, he listens to T-Swizzle. What a fog right? Amiriht? Seriously Taylor Swift is the pits the only version of Mean I could possibly listen to is the Puckerman and Coach Beast duet from Glee,” says Tri Bute. “And I know you idiots are going to try to defend him, be all like, well “you can only rip on taste in music, don’t you know everyone’s is diff?” but I’ll be like of course I do that, IT’S THE ONLY VERBAL WEAPON I NEED BEACH! I listen to people who are actually talented, they aren’t necessarily alive yet, but I know of them because I’M FROM THE FUTURE. I know everything! I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO RIP ON ANYONE WHO LIKES DOLLY PARTON, cause she sucks. SHE SUCKS COOK! Think the gods that IN THE FUTURE, we burned all the books and banned fun throughout the universe,” says Tri Bute.
“What a dock, someone should put a stop to this,” says Johnny Buackson at ringside.
I LOVE STEAK
I LOVE SAUCE
OH SHIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS!
STEAK IS GOOD
SAUCE IS GOOD
OH SHIP THERE MIGHT BE FLOOD
DP IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE
TS IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE
BARBEQ IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE
ME AND YOU R ROCKIN’ TO NIEY YITE
YOU AND ME ARE FUNKIN’ TO NITE
Gene Barbecue walks out from the back with a microphone, “I’m gonna make this short and sweet. TRI BUTE ME AND YOU, R FEUDING. I THINK YOU SUCK. LET’S FIGHT NOW! You know what you are? You’re mean! AND THAT’S ALL YOUR EVER GONN FILPIN’ BE,” yells Gene as he runs to the ring and the match kicks off.
Gene and Butey start punching the ship out of each other. It is like a huge brawl. Then they start trading kicks to the face! One kick knocks Tri Bute into the ropes, then Gene charges at him but Butey ducks and pulls the top rope down and Gene flies over him like a dumb butt.
“Wow, what a dumb butt!” says Buackson while giggling like a girl.
Gene gets back in the ring and looks really mad. Gene bounces off the ropes and goes for a closeline, but Tri Bute ducks under it and Gene accidentally closelines the referee. Gene starts checking the referee’s pulse while Butey exits the ring and grabs a stone chair! He hits Gene over the head with the chair and goes for a pin, but the referee doesn’t count because he is still down. Tri Bute wakes up the referee then signals for his finisher, Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam)! He hits Gene with the chokeslam and covers him but he kicks out and two and Tri Bute gets really pee’d off! So he grabs the referee by the neck and chokeslams him too. On the way down the referee calls for the bell giving Gene Barbecue the win via disqualification.
“Lame, I think you should be aloud to hit the referee,” says Buackson as he crosses his arms and pouts.
Tri Bute is mad that he lost so he scales to the top rope and hits Gene with Tri Bute To The Doomed (Leg-Clap Frogsplash). Then Tri Bute spits on Gene. Then Tri Bute gets a microphone.
“Gene, I think you’re a major beach. The fact that you are a champion and I’m not makes me flippin’ sick, I’m FROM THE MOTHER FLIPPIN’ FUTURE. Title belts should be handed to me! So I’m challenging you and your dockface brother to A TAG TEAM MATCH. MY BEST FRIEND AND I VERSES YOU FOGS for the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships. What do you say beach?” says Tri Bute, laying down the challenge.
Gene says okay. THEN TRI BUTE SPITS ON HIM AGAIN WHAT A JERK.
“Wow! That Tri Bute guy is such a jerk! Right Gold?”
“What?”
“Okay I’ll do your part from now on, gosh darn you’re useless. Yeah Buack! Oh look something’s happening backstage, very interesting Gold!” says Buackson.
Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) are hanging out backstage.
“So…who do you think is Tri Bute’s best friend?” asks Cution.
“It doesn’t really matter, it’s probably one of us, what matters is that I got to defend the title tonight. IN A LADDER MATCH! It’s next I’m kind of stressing out, brah,” says Lent.
“Do you want a backrub?”
“Yes!” utters Lent excitedly as Exe Cution oils his back and puts the rubdown on him. “Oh yeah, that feels good, keep it up muchacho, oh yeah, you know how I like it. Relaxation is exactly what I need. That druggie butt head girl pants Andy Ridge is going to get his dumb sissy butt kicked, deeper, he is going to try to use ladders to win? Well I’m going to use my smart, sexy, and powerful brain to knock his face off. Oh ship that’s good, oh yes deeper, Andy Ridge is gonna go down and then we will start TAKING THE PAST!” says Lent. “Thanks Exe, it’s time to climb the ladder and keep my title,”
We go back to the ring, which is surrounded by ladders for the 12th ladder match in SSAW history! SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Champion Vio Lent will take on “Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge for that great championship which will be hung up 20 feet high! Both participants enter the ring and start kicking the poop out of each other. Out of nowhere a ROLLING ROUNDHOUSE KICK knocks Vio Lent out of the ring and through a ladder, thinking on his feet, Andy Ridge rolls out of the ring and tosses a ladder into the ring, but before he can get in Exe Cution spears the ship out of him.
“SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!” yells Buackson.
“Oh lord Jesus there’s a SPEAR!” shouts Buackson doing a Jonathon Gold impression.
Exe Cution stands up and smiles at the camera, then all the sudden he starts clutching his chest and he falls to the ground.
--June 4th 2028--
TLC 3
Ryan, Oklahoma
SSAW BACKYARD WARRIOR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Rip Impact holds the belt tightly to his shoulder as Troy Stone announces him as the champion! The referee is about to ring the bell and kick off this triple threat dark match when David Hart Smith stops him, “NO”, “I want to call someone out here first, the other “David Hart Smith”, his name is Exe Cution. You are an imposter!” exclaims DH Smith!
A ceiling panel starts to loosen from the top of the Super Special Awesome Dome it starts falling, this isn’t the first time this has happened to DH Smith! Davey Richards, the third man in the triple threat kicks the panel out of the sky before it comes crashing down on Smith.
“Third time’s the charm. Do you really think I’d fall for that again, Exe? Whenever I mentioned you before that happened so wouldn’t you think I’d be expecting it this time? You can’t keep me quiet, beach, you just flippin’ can’t. THIS IS THE EDGIEST SHOW ON TV! You think some falling panels will take me down? I have friends who know how to kick em’. Come out here now Plessy v. Ferguson. I’m gonna teach you that separate educational facilities are inherently unequal! By the end of the night THEY WILL CALL ME BROWN VERSES BOARD OF EDUCATION!” warns David Hart Smith!
I’M DAVID HART SMITH
I GO BY EXE CUTION NOW
I’M DAVID HART SMITH
I JUST GO BY EXE CUTION NOW
CANADA
YEAH
CANADA
YEAH
Exe Cution comes down to the ring with a microphone. “Okay, I guess I got some explaining to do, my time of importance in this company is wearing thin, after events happened and the men I was close to disappeared, I’ve pretty much just been getting a pay check for no reason. So I’ll acknowledge you now. I am not an ‘imposter’.
I am a clone of you. That’s what I am. That’s my identity. I was in a test tube once. I was some of your saliva. When you get cancer and die, one of the doctors was a huge fan of you back when you were body slamming both members of KICK, he was obsessed, his favorite wrestler died but he knew of a way to save you. TO SAVE YOU FOREVER. He took some of your spit that he had in his refrigerator, then he tossed the spit into a cloning machine, which he built out of bricks.
That was me in the test tube! I emerged from the brick cloning machine wearing tights and I uttered my first words. I think I said papa. That doctor raised me like a Hart would, like a Smith would. LIKE A DAVID WOULD. He showed me how to do a Sharpshooter, then he showed me how to do a Powerslam. I had all the tools I needed, I knew everything about you. But what would I do with these tools? I knew so much all I could think about was meeting you and becoming tag team partners but you were dead. Then my papa shortly got cancer and died. I was all alone. Then I listened to some Darren Criss song. I realized I didn’t have to be alone.
SO I WENT BACK IN TIME! To April 2nd 2023. I tapped my heels together and believed and the gods rewarded me and sent me there. I was all set I was about to shake hands with you, but you were being carted by on a stretcher. Of all the days I chose to go back in time to I picked the one where you get hit by a car. It was some guy who didn’t like DH Smith who did it.
Then The Rock approached me, he asked me if I could do your moves I said I knew them then he said good cause you look like David Hart Smith so pretend to be him and fight Tri Bute. I said okay. Tri Bute handed my ax to me in that match. I was so dead from all his finishing moves, so he decided to put a piece of tape on my head. It made me his slave. My soul was slowly sucked away, it had a different effect on me, it was different than Vio Lent. I aged incredibly quickly; I started to look less David Hart Smith more Ludvig Bortega. And the worst part was I didn’t make it into the NFL.
Hold on.
Sorry, the worst part was I couldn’t control my actions. I couldn’t confess to you that I was you. But Tri Bute can’t tell me what to do anymore. I was afraid to tell you the truth until now, I thought you wouldn’t believe me,” explained Cution.
“So, we are one in the same?” asks Smith.
“Yes,”
A long moment passes slowly. Smith grabs Exe Cution and pulls him in for a little “over 5 years in the making” hug. “Welcome to the family, Cution,” says David Hart Smith. Exe Cution begins to tear up. “Now, how would you like to fight in a match with me, and against me? You’re a former champion, if you’re me, why don’t you join our match and make it a 4-Way for the title? That’s cool with you guys, right? It’ll be friendly competition!” says Smith.
“The more the merrier!” says Impact and Richards at the same time. “Jinx, silly,” says Impact as he tickles Richards, “You owe me a coke!”
David looks at Cution and waits for his answer, Cution wipes some tears away and nods! The title match is now a 4-Way and the match then begins. All was well.
WERP WERP WERP WERP
“Cution wake up,” says Vio Lent as he shakes his manager, “I just lost the title, you were suppose to be helping me win not taking a flippin’ nap, I am so pee’d off at you!” Lent starts pouting as we head backstage!
Francis Barbecue is about to eat a steak but then Papa Barbecue walks in. “What the flip is this Franny? I’ll whip you. PUT DOWN THE STEAK YOU HAVE A FLIPPING MATCH NEXT. Were you planning on pulling a Gene or something? Do you want to throw up all over the ring?” asks Papa Barbecue.
“It’s not what it looks like! I was just smelling it!”
“Yeah right, do you think I was born yesterday? I’LL KICK YER ACE FRANNY!”
“Please don’t call me Franny, that’s a girl name,” pleads Franny.
“I WILL CALL YOU WHAT I WANT TO CALL YOU. You better make me proud and become the first double champion. TONIGHT you better beat JBC or yer gonna have a sore ace,” threatens Papa. “Now get out there! AND IF I EVER CATCH YOU EATING BEFORE A MATCH that will be the end of ya SON.”
Franny follows his orders and goes out to face John Boy Corbett IN OUR MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!
“The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the SSAW GLOBAL WARRIOR CHAMPIONSHIP, it is our main event!” announces Troy Stone.
I AM A COWBOY
I LOVE RODEOS
I AM A COWBOY
I MILK COWS
I AM A COWBOY
I LIKE MIELY CYRUS
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW
I AM A COW
BOY
COW
BOY
MOTHER TRUCKER ER ER ER ER ER
“Now making his way to the ring, he is the SSAW GLOBAL WARRIOR CHAMPION “Bear Skin” “The Manliest Man In Sports Entertainment” John Boy Corrrrrrrrrrrbett!” says Troy Stone, making sure that he rolls his ‘r’s.
“The champion is coming out first? That’s so dumb!” says Buackson doing his impression of Gold.
“Quit beaching, grievous are you on your pyramid or something? I didn’t know it was the 18th already!” says Buackson back at himself.
Franny also gets introduced for the match, and so it begins! 25 minutes of wall-to-wall action, Franny and John Boy traded swag Russian Leg Sweeps for a few minutes but out of nowhere JBC switched it up and hit a German Suplex. Franny kicked out at two and immediately sprung to his feet! He followed up with several clubby blows to the chest the hit a ROARING GERMAN SUPLEX! He DOESN’T go for the pin! Instead he locks in the Barbemission (Tazzmission).
“Barbiemission? Is he going to the mall or something to get some make-up?” asks Buack.
Corbett is about to tap but instead he grabs a rope forcing the referee to break it up! Franny starts arguing with Elder Justice when JBC hits The Corbett Report (ROLLING CLOSELINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD) to Franny. He goes for the pin
1…
2….
“HE KICKED OUT! THAT’S THE FIRST TIME EVER! GREVIOUS CRISP!” exclaims Buackson!
John Boy Corbett says that cowboy thing that cowboys say, the thing in his theme song, you know, then he hoists Franny up for The Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam) and hits him with it for the 3 to retain the championship! John Boy helps Franny to his feet and they shake hands. THEN ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT!
“The lights are off! Oh no!” screams Buackson!
The tron starts lighting up and flashing, and crop. Then OUT OF NOWHERE A CHAIR DROPS FROM THE RAFTERS. The camera pans up to see who dropped it, but a figure moves away before we can get a good look at him.
JBC bends down and looks at the chair, then he turns it over and a nail is sticking out of it!
“A Nail Chair? That’s the signature weapon of…” his voice trails off and on cue, the tron stops flashing and shows a wall covered with blood, the splotches of chicken blood spelled out a message intended for the SSAW Global Warrior Champion.
“Her skeleton will remain in the chamber forever, oh and I’m coming back at the next show to fight you for the belt,” read the bloody message.
“Oh ship. That’s big, this is huge, the return of “Murder, Kill, Death” Cactus Flanders, “That Nail Chair Wielding Mother Flipper”, is coming back at Valentine’s Day Massacre 3, February 14th, 2024. It’s been over a year sense we’ve seen his gruesome, limb hacking, deathly murder killer face. AND HE’S COMING BACK WITH A VENGEANCE, he wants JBC who is still Global Warrior champion after ending his glorious reign in HECK IN A CELL. We’ll probably never have another one of those.
There was so much wreckage so much near-death murder happenings of near-death murder swag. At the end Flanders laid broken through a glass table with thumbtacks in his left leg, and regular tacks in his right. His neck was broken and his heart stopped beating for 10 minutes. It was the greatest triumph in John Boy’s life, but now the demon is back and unleashed. Next month we see their greatest showdown yet. Yes, it is Corbett verses Flanders eight, not sure which Star Wars movie that is, but it’s two after Return of The Jedi. Right, Flanders v. Corbett Episode VIII: The Unstoppable Entity of Righteous Death Serum, on Pay-per-view,” breathes Buackson, clearly awed at the superultraclashswagyolo that will happen next month.
John Boy Corbett starts crying as all his painful memories and nightmares appear before his eyes and the scene fades to black.
1/8/24
Last night’s SSAW PPV, was, really flippin’ swag. Buy the replay. CACTUS FLANDERS IS BACK, I’m gonna wink all flippin’ day now, holy ship.
Sabin said in an interview that being a mime is cool yada yada,
Still haven’t seen Master Satriani around, hopefully he’s dead he can’t wrestle for butt. Headlock as a finisher? Tapped out 420 guys with it? Screams jobber joke all over it.
I thought the ladder match was going to be match of the night, but only the live crowd got to see that, whatever, we got a Exe Cution, flash forward? I thought that show was cancelled decades ago.
1/54/24
SSAW committed some more murders apparently due to the stone chair shot on their programming. To bad they don’t all go to Judge Sapphire, because he is my boy and he always strikes them down since they are so silly.
Seriously the whole point of TV is to be as edgy as possible, remember when Edge flipped that girl on WWE TV and we got to see a bobby pin? That was edgy SSAW are trying to bring the Attitude Era back, so what if a few kids die every month.
1/105/24
Valentine’s Day Massacre 3 is just fourteen days away! Holy butt, “That Nail Chair Mo’suckra” is back with killing on the mind. He’s gonna shatter some skulls. STACKED CARD
SSAW Global Warrior Championship – 8th Time In Your Lifetime, Probably More, Singles Match
John Boy Corbett © vs. Cactus Flanders
They are saying the show will be available in 503 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
It’s really cold in here and I have no idea what day it is or anything. A rope binds my arms and I am stuck to this chair. I’m beginning to wonder how I am writing this in the first place but since there is a guy from the future around here somewhere. Well, whatever. I’m a goshdarn sumo warrior for Pete’s sake, why is some lunatic with a gun here holding me up? What does crazy face want with me?
Hopefully I’m out soon,
“The Master of Satriani” Master Satriani “The Sumo Warrior”
Dear Diary,
You know LADDERS? Course you do, LADDERS are nice! LADDERS are your friends! LADDERS help you get places you could never go without the extra height they provide. If you can’t understand that you don’t understand LADDERS.
Rehab was nice haven’t drank anything since. Even water. Get it? Nevermind. LADDERS I was writing about LADDERS. LADDERS are how you win ladder matches. You climb up them and ship. It’s a pretty interesting concept. Wanna know what happened to the first guy who lost a ladder match in SSAW? He got hit by a car. LADDERS are a dangerous thing Lenty, I wouldn’t want to get caught dead with LADDERS.
Enough rambling, Vio Lent “The Present Warrior”, well tonight I will use my friends, they are all LADDERS btdubs, to climb to places I could never get to without the extra height it provides, isn’t that nice. No, LADDERS are nice, read back it’s the second part of my second sentence. Oh yeah, and when I climb the LADDERS I will get your title belt which will then become my title belt.
ALL IN ALL, Lenty, you lose your belt, I climb LADDERS, and then you’ll get hit by a car, ‘cause that’s what happens when you lose and LADDERS are involved.
See you in the aftermath.
Peace,
“Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge
PS: The match will be pretty violent. Get it?
Dear Diary,
Hey! I can’t believe I’m finally getting my title match tonight. The #1 contender tournament ended like months ago, but those buttholes beat me up. John Boy Corbett is a cool guy but he is no Griller. He can’t flip a burger the way I can. I am the best at that, they always get an organism. I’m cereal. Okay well the most important thing is one having fun and two kickin’ butt which is the game plan for tonight. JBC I’m gonna turn up the burners and take your belt.
Yours truly,
“A1” Francis Barbecue, One Half of The SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Champions
DEAR DIARY,
I AM IN A RAGE, TONIGHT I RETURN WITH A VENGEANCE!
It is set I will put the tape to Gene Barbecue and own his life; I think I’ll call him Bar Becue or maybe Spa Tula. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HIS NAME IS. He’ll be my slave, and with one half of the tag titles under my control and the lightweight belt Lenty has, which is also under my control, The Rock, won’t be able to stop us he’ll be forced to put me up against JBC and this time I won’t fall for his tricks, for his CHEATING.
I CAN’T BLEED, HOW DID HE MAKE ME BLEED?
Whatever, Gene goes down, Gene gets tape, Lent retains belt, and then WE ARE TAKING THE PAST. Lenty thought of that name, cute right?
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
The way he sits there at his desk, oh! The way he commentates on matches, gosh! The way he’s 11 times cuter than Darren Criss, aw! I need him. Buackson you crazy son of a gun, I love you and someday we will be together forever.
Hopelessly in love,
Jonathon Gold
Dear Diary,
Just got married to the most beautiful woman in the world, looking forward to a loving marriage and to a loving wife. Our babies are going to be so cute.
Off the market,
Johnny Buackson
Eternal Suffering 2
January 7th 2024
The Super Special Awesome Dome in Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe in 478 languages and American dialects!
Amazing Halo and “Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac went to a 10-minute time limit draw with “The Arabian Destroyer” Gama Singh Jr. and “The Pirate” El Hijo Del Pirata Morgan in the dark match.
“The Agent” Mild Walsh and “Never Forget” “Blockbuster” “Loveless” Kyle O’Reilly are chilling backstage.
“Now, Kyle, I want you to go out there and kill Amasis show “The First Lightweight” what a true mo’suckra is,” says Walsh.
“That won’t be too hard, since I AM A BADGUY NOW, I will break the rules and beat this punk butt Amasis,” says O’Reilly. “I will kick the ship out of Amasis, I PROMISE!”
“Good boy!”
Kyle puts on his wrist tape and rubs oil on his chest, now he’s finally ready, oh so ready to go!
OHDA
RUDA
MUDA
PUNTA
GRUNDA
WANDA MONDA
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Amasis does the Rey Mysterio thing and jumps onto the stage. It is really cool.
“What a dynamic entrance! I’ve never seen anything like that before!” says Buackson.
“It’s a lovely entrance,”
Amasis rolls into the ring and starts pounding the mat until his opponent comes out, but Kyle O’Reilly attacks him from behind. Kyle locks in the Walls of O’Reilly (Furious Crab (Walls of Jericho (Boston Crab))). Amasis may tap to this but not fast enough so Kyle stomps on his head over and over, but Amasis hits a leg chop that forces Kyle to release the hold. Amasis and Kyle O’Reilly start trading kicks to the face. Amasis hit a Superkick but O’Reilly merely staggers and then hits a ROLLING DDT. Then he picks up Amasis and tosses him onto the other side of the ropes. He then grabs Amasis and pulls him through the ropes and hits a Rope Hung DDT. Amasis gets out at 2.
Kyle starts chopping Amasis repeatedly in the back. It hurts him. He goes for another pin but Amasis kicks out at 2. Kyle starts pounding the mat as Amasis gets to his feet and the tries to hit a ROLLING RKO but Amasis dodges it and grabs Kyle and goes for a Brainbuster but Kyle hits A-Mass with a knee to stop it just in time.
“IF AMASIS HAD HIT THE BRAINBUSTER IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER!”
Amasis hits Kyle with 15 slaps and tries to hit the ‘buster again but Kyle is still able to reverse it. Kyle hits a high chest kick knocking Amasis into the ropes but he bounces off of them and hits a ROLLING BIG BOOT, then a ROLLING BACK ELBOW. Amasis tries to hit a ROLLING BRAINBUSTER but Kyle counters into a Triple Powerbomb for a two count. It was a near fall though so Kyle tries to get the referee to change his decision, when he turns back around Amasis hits the Brainbuster and goes for a pin.
ONE!…
KYLE KICKS OUT AT ONE. KYLE HITS A CHOP TO THE ARM.
1….
2….
3! KYLE’S GOT IT! Kyle picks up a microphone.
“Some finisher, I kicked out at one! Pfft! Amasis you are a joke AND YOUR THEME MUSIC IS DUMB!” says Kyle O’Reilly “Never Forget” “Blockbuster” “Loveless”
Mild Walsh rolls into the ring and starts stomping on Amasis. Then he picks Amasis up and puts him in between Kyle’s legs. Kyle hits him with a Spike Piledriver. Walsh checks Amasis’ pulse, he has a heartbeat so Mild Walsh hits him over the head with a stone chair.
“This is pretty darn brutal, he’s beating him down pretty hard,” says Gold.
“Reminds me of last night with my wife,” says Buackson.
Gold falls out of his chair. “What?”
“Oh, I meant the hard part, not the brutal part,” says Buackson.
ONE MAN
MANY FRIENDS
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER FRIENDS
SUPER BROS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
“It’s Jagged, our hero has arrived!” says Buackson.
“What?”
Jagged cleans house with a stone chair. Walsh and Kyle retreat up the ramp and shake their fists at Jagged, they don’t like it when he cleans house! Jagged frantically checks Amasis’ pulse, he takes out his phone and dials 911 for help.
“Yes, I need an ambulance please, it’s an emergency, and his heart isn’t beating! I’m at the Super Special Awesome Dome in Ryan! Please help! Thank you!” says Jagged.
STEP ONE YOU SAY WE NEED TO TALK
HE WALKS YOU SAY SIT DOWN IT’S JUST A TALK
YOU STARE POLITELY RIGHT ON THROUGH
SOME SORT OF WINDOW TO YOUR RIGHT
AS HE GOES LEFT AND YOU STAY RIGHT
BETWEEN THE LINES OF FEAR AND BLAME
YOU BEGIN TO WONDER WHY YOU CAME
Two medics come from the back and roll in with a gurney.
“You guys came fast,” says Jagged
“We always come fast!” says the medics in unison.
“Quick pass me a bandage!” says the one with Pring on his nametag.
“Alright!”
“All better!” says Amasis, “You three guys are heroes who have saved my life,”
FIND LIGHT IN THE BEAUTIFUL SEA
I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY
YOU AND I
YOU AND I
WE’RE LIKE DIAMONDS IN THE SKY
“Mysterious” Ern Mystery and “Very Speedy” Holden Ross jump out from the back with microphones.
“This is so touching,” says Mystery.
“He’s just kidding! You guys are lame! You guys really think you can just walk in here and be heroes?” asks Holden Ross.
“Jagged, why don’t you and Amasis hold hands and walk yourselves to the back, so we can kick the new kids’ tiny dumb butts,” says Mystery.
Jagged and Amasis do as the team of Lightning In The Jungle say, leaving the medics in the ring. The one that’s nametag says Pring walks over to the other guy.
“Let’s fight’em I always wanted to be a wrestler!” says Pring.
“Yeah, but what would we call ourselves?” says the other one.
“Well you’re a doctor and you’re last name is Wood, so you’ll be Doctor Wood, and then I’ll be Doctor Pring. And, we’ll be a team!” says Doctor Pring.
“AND WHEN OUR COMBINED POWERS COME TOGETHER WE BECOME….um,” says Doctor Wood.
“THE HEALING POWERS,” finishes Doctor Pring! “Get it? We’re like Hogan and Savage but we’re doctors! Everyone will be like WOAH SWAG!” says Doctor Pring!
Wood picks up a microphone. “Ok, punk butts! We accept your challenge and WE WILL KICK YOUR ACES!” says Doctor Wood!
“After we beat you we’ll take you to the back on the stretcher we took to the ring, then we’ll make you feel better, um, and be ready to kick your butt again!” says Doctor Pring!
Lightning In The Jungle run to the ring and the match kicks off. Pring and Wood show off their awesome highflying healing powers with stereo Front-Flip Dropkicks, immediately both pinning their opponents but they both kick out at two. Both The Healing Powers lock in Armbars. The Jungle Lightning guys escape from the hold and both hit suplexes to The Healing Powers, then Ross tosses Doctor Wood out of the ring and dives onto him. Ern Mystery hits a stiff kick to Doctor Pring taking him off his feet then he climbs to the top rope and signals for the Swandive Headbutt (Shooting Star Headbutt) he hits it for a three count.
Ern Mystery and Holden Ross laugh about how easy it was to defeat those nerds as they walk to the back.
We go backstage where Gene Barbecue is preparing for his match. He is trying to flip a burger but correctly like Papa showed him. Papa Barbecue interrupts him.
“No, bad, you can’t eat now you have a match against an extremely powerful opponent next, he’s from the future,” says Papa Barbecue.
“But daddy! I’m hungry!” says Gene as he crosses his arms and pouts.
“Last time you ate before your match you threw up all over the place, that wasn’t good, it made our happy family look bad. WE DON’T WANT TO LOOK BAD GENE! Don’t make Papa Barbecue give you a whippin’ NO BUTS,” yells Papa Barbecue as he strikes his whip on the ground.
“I’m sorry daddy,” pleads Gene.
“Jesus loves you, as do I, now go fight Tri Bute, before I give you a beating for being too slow,” orders Papa Barbecue.
“Parents abusing their adult children, how edgy are we, Gold?” asks Buackson.
“What?” says Gold, still stunned from earlier I suppose.
A casket lowers from the rafters decorated with purple skulls and the like, there are also flames and there is barbwire on the bottom. Think of the coolest casket ever, multiply it by 40 swags and that’s what you got. It hits the ground and the touchdown themes stars playing.
TAKE MY LOVE
TAKE MY LAND
TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND
I DON’T CARE
I’M STILL FREE
YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME
The casket pops open and then dawns the glorious return of “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”.
“Someday I’ll be living in a big old city and all your ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me and all your ever gonna be is mean
WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO MEAN?” sings Tri Bute. “Do you guys like that little ditty? That’s the kind of crop Gene Barbecue listens to, yeah, he listens to T-Swizzle. What a fog right? Amiriht? Seriously Taylor Swift is the pits the only version of Mean I could possibly listen to is the Puckerman and Coach Beast duet from Glee,” says Tri Bute. “And I know you idiots are going to try to defend him, be all like, well “you can only rip on taste in music, don’t you know everyone’s is diff?” but I’ll be like of course I do that, IT’S THE ONLY VERBAL WEAPON I NEED BEACH! I listen to people who are actually talented, they aren’t necessarily alive yet, but I know of them because I’M FROM THE FUTURE. I know everything! I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO RIP ON ANYONE WHO LIKES DOLLY PARTON, cause she sucks. SHE SUCKS COOK! Think the gods that IN THE FUTURE, we burned all the books and banned fun throughout the universe,” says Tri Bute.
“What a dock, someone should put a stop to this,” says Johnny Buackson at ringside.
I LOVE STEAK
I LOVE SAUCE
OH SHIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS!
STEAK IS GOOD
SAUCE IS GOOD
OH SHIP THERE MIGHT BE FLOOD
DP IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE
TS IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE
BARBEQ IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE
ME AND YOU R ROCKIN’ TO NIEY YITE
YOU AND ME ARE FUNKIN’ TO NITE
Gene Barbecue walks out from the back with a microphone, “I’m gonna make this short and sweet. TRI BUTE ME AND YOU, R FEUDING. I THINK YOU SUCK. LET’S FIGHT NOW! You know what you are? You’re mean! AND THAT’S ALL YOUR EVER GONN FILPIN’ BE,” yells Gene as he runs to the ring and the match kicks off.
Gene and Butey start punching the ship out of each other. It is like a huge brawl. Then they start trading kicks to the face! One kick knocks Tri Bute into the ropes, then Gene charges at him but Butey ducks and pulls the top rope down and Gene flies over him like a dumb butt.
“Wow, what a dumb butt!” says Buackson while giggling like a girl.
Gene gets back in the ring and looks really mad. Gene bounces off the ropes and goes for a closeline, but Tri Bute ducks under it and Gene accidentally closelines the referee. Gene starts checking the referee’s pulse while Butey exits the ring and grabs a stone chair! He hits Gene over the head with the chair and goes for a pin, but the referee doesn’t count because he is still down. Tri Bute wakes up the referee then signals for his finisher, Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam)! He hits Gene with the chokeslam and covers him but he kicks out and two and Tri Bute gets really pee’d off! So he grabs the referee by the neck and chokeslams him too. On the way down the referee calls for the bell giving Gene Barbecue the win via disqualification.
“Lame, I think you should be aloud to hit the referee,” says Buackson as he crosses his arms and pouts.
Tri Bute is mad that he lost so he scales to the top rope and hits Gene with Tri Bute To The Doomed (Leg-Clap Frogsplash). Then Tri Bute spits on Gene. Then Tri Bute gets a microphone.
“Gene, I think you’re a major beach. The fact that you are a champion and I’m not makes me flippin’ sick, I’m FROM THE MOTHER FLIPPIN’ FUTURE. Title belts should be handed to me! So I’m challenging you and your dockface brother to A TAG TEAM MATCH. MY BEST FRIEND AND I VERSES YOU FOGS for the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships. What do you say beach?” says Tri Bute, laying down the challenge.
Gene says okay. THEN TRI BUTE SPITS ON HIM AGAIN WHAT A JERK.
“Wow! That Tri Bute guy is such a jerk! Right Gold?”
“What?”
“Okay I’ll do your part from now on, gosh darn you’re useless. Yeah Buack! Oh look something’s happening backstage, very interesting Gold!” says Buackson.
Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) are hanging out backstage.
“So…who do you think is Tri Bute’s best friend?” asks Cution.
“It doesn’t really matter, it’s probably one of us, what matters is that I got to defend the title tonight. IN A LADDER MATCH! It’s next I’m kind of stressing out, brah,” says Lent.
“Do you want a backrub?”
“Yes!” utters Lent excitedly as Exe Cution oils his back and puts the rubdown on him. “Oh yeah, that feels good, keep it up muchacho, oh yeah, you know how I like it. Relaxation is exactly what I need. That druggie butt head girl pants Andy Ridge is going to get his dumb sissy butt kicked, deeper, he is going to try to use ladders to win? Well I’m going to use my smart, sexy, and powerful brain to knock his face off. Oh ship that’s good, oh yes deeper, Andy Ridge is gonna go down and then we will start TAKING THE PAST!” says Lent. “Thanks Exe, it’s time to climb the ladder and keep my title,”
We go back to the ring, which is surrounded by ladders for the 12th ladder match in SSAW history! SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Champion Vio Lent will take on “Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge for that great championship which will be hung up 20 feet high! Both participants enter the ring and start kicking the poop out of each other. Out of nowhere a ROLLING ROUNDHOUSE KICK knocks Vio Lent out of the ring and through a ladder, thinking on his feet, Andy Ridge rolls out of the ring and tosses a ladder into the ring, but before he can get in Exe Cution spears the ship out of him.
“SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!” yells Buackson.
“Oh lord Jesus there’s a SPEAR!” shouts Buackson doing a Jonathon Gold impression.
Exe Cution stands up and smiles at the camera, then all the sudden he starts clutching his chest and he falls to the ground.
--June 4th 2028--
TLC 3
Ryan, Oklahoma
SSAW BACKYARD WARRIOR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Rip Impact holds the belt tightly to his shoulder as Troy Stone announces him as the champion! The referee is about to ring the bell and kick off this triple threat dark match when David Hart Smith stops him, “NO”, “I want to call someone out here first, the other “David Hart Smith”, his name is Exe Cution. You are an imposter!” exclaims DH Smith!
A ceiling panel starts to loosen from the top of the Super Special Awesome Dome it starts falling, this isn’t the first time this has happened to DH Smith! Davey Richards, the third man in the triple threat kicks the panel out of the sky before it comes crashing down on Smith.
“Third time’s the charm. Do you really think I’d fall for that again, Exe? Whenever I mentioned you before that happened so wouldn’t you think I’d be expecting it this time? You can’t keep me quiet, beach, you just flippin’ can’t. THIS IS THE EDGIEST SHOW ON TV! You think some falling panels will take me down? I have friends who know how to kick em’. Come out here now Plessy v. Ferguson. I’m gonna teach you that separate educational facilities are inherently unequal! By the end of the night THEY WILL CALL ME BROWN VERSES BOARD OF EDUCATION!” warns David Hart Smith!
I’M DAVID HART SMITH
I GO BY EXE CUTION NOW
I’M DAVID HART SMITH
I JUST GO BY EXE CUTION NOW
CANADA
YEAH
CANADA
YEAH
Exe Cution comes down to the ring with a microphone. “Okay, I guess I got some explaining to do, my time of importance in this company is wearing thin, after events happened and the men I was close to disappeared, I’ve pretty much just been getting a pay check for no reason. So I’ll acknowledge you now. I am not an ‘imposter’.
I am a clone of you. That’s what I am. That’s my identity. I was in a test tube once. I was some of your saliva. When you get cancer and die, one of the doctors was a huge fan of you back when you were body slamming both members of KICK, he was obsessed, his favorite wrestler died but he knew of a way to save you. TO SAVE YOU FOREVER. He took some of your spit that he had in his refrigerator, then he tossed the spit into a cloning machine, which he built out of bricks.
That was me in the test tube! I emerged from the brick cloning machine wearing tights and I uttered my first words. I think I said papa. That doctor raised me like a Hart would, like a Smith would. LIKE A DAVID WOULD. He showed me how to do a Sharpshooter, then he showed me how to do a Powerslam. I had all the tools I needed, I knew everything about you. But what would I do with these tools? I knew so much all I could think about was meeting you and becoming tag team partners but you were dead. Then my papa shortly got cancer and died. I was all alone. Then I listened to some Darren Criss song. I realized I didn’t have to be alone.
SO I WENT BACK IN TIME! To April 2nd 2023. I tapped my heels together and believed and the gods rewarded me and sent me there. I was all set I was about to shake hands with you, but you were being carted by on a stretcher. Of all the days I chose to go back in time to I picked the one where you get hit by a car. It was some guy who didn’t like DH Smith who did it.
Then The Rock approached me, he asked me if I could do your moves I said I knew them then he said good cause you look like David Hart Smith so pretend to be him and fight Tri Bute. I said okay. Tri Bute handed my ax to me in that match. I was so dead from all his finishing moves, so he decided to put a piece of tape on my head. It made me his slave. My soul was slowly sucked away, it had a different effect on me, it was different than Vio Lent. I aged incredibly quickly; I started to look less David Hart Smith more Ludvig Bortega. And the worst part was I didn’t make it into the NFL.
Hold on.
Sorry, the worst part was I couldn’t control my actions. I couldn’t confess to you that I was you. But Tri Bute can’t tell me what to do anymore. I was afraid to tell you the truth until now, I thought you wouldn’t believe me,” explained Cution.
“So, we are one in the same?” asks Smith.
“Yes,”
A long moment passes slowly. Smith grabs Exe Cution and pulls him in for a little “over 5 years in the making” hug. “Welcome to the family, Cution,” says David Hart Smith. Exe Cution begins to tear up. “Now, how would you like to fight in a match with me, and against me? You’re a former champion, if you’re me, why don’t you join our match and make it a 4-Way for the title? That’s cool with you guys, right? It’ll be friendly competition!” says Smith.
“The more the merrier!” says Impact and Richards at the same time. “Jinx, silly,” says Impact as he tickles Richards, “You owe me a coke!”
David looks at Cution and waits for his answer, Cution wipes some tears away and nods! The title match is now a 4-Way and the match then begins. All was well.
WERP WERP WERP WERP
“Cution wake up,” says Vio Lent as he shakes his manager, “I just lost the title, you were suppose to be helping me win not taking a flippin’ nap, I am so pee’d off at you!” Lent starts pouting as we head backstage!
Francis Barbecue is about to eat a steak but then Papa Barbecue walks in. “What the flip is this Franny? I’ll whip you. PUT DOWN THE STEAK YOU HAVE A FLIPPING MATCH NEXT. Were you planning on pulling a Gene or something? Do you want to throw up all over the ring?” asks Papa Barbecue.
“It’s not what it looks like! I was just smelling it!”
“Yeah right, do you think I was born yesterday? I’LL KICK YER ACE FRANNY!”
“Please don’t call me Franny, that’s a girl name,” pleads Franny.
“I WILL CALL YOU WHAT I WANT TO CALL YOU. You better make me proud and become the first double champion. TONIGHT you better beat JBC or yer gonna have a sore ace,” threatens Papa. “Now get out there! AND IF I EVER CATCH YOU EATING BEFORE A MATCH that will be the end of ya SON.”
Franny follows his orders and goes out to face John Boy Corbett IN OUR MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!
“The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the SSAW GLOBAL WARRIOR CHAMPIONSHIP, it is our main event!” announces Troy Stone.
I AM A COWBOY
I LOVE RODEOS
I AM A COWBOY
I MILK COWS
I AM A COWBOY
I LIKE MIELY CYRUS
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW
I AM A COW
BOY
COW
BOY
MOTHER TRUCKER ER ER ER ER ER
“Now making his way to the ring, he is the SSAW GLOBAL WARRIOR CHAMPION “Bear Skin” “The Manliest Man In Sports Entertainment” John Boy Corrrrrrrrrrrbett!” says Troy Stone, making sure that he rolls his ‘r’s.
“The champion is coming out first? That’s so dumb!” says Buackson doing his impression of Gold.
“Quit beaching, grievous are you on your pyramid or something? I didn’t know it was the 18th already!” says Buackson back at himself.
Franny also gets introduced for the match, and so it begins! 25 minutes of wall-to-wall action, Franny and John Boy traded swag Russian Leg Sweeps for a few minutes but out of nowhere JBC switched it up and hit a German Suplex. Franny kicked out at two and immediately sprung to his feet! He followed up with several clubby blows to the chest the hit a ROARING GERMAN SUPLEX! He DOESN’T go for the pin! Instead he locks in the Barbemission (Tazzmission).
“Barbiemission? Is he going to the mall or something to get some make-up?” asks Buack.
Corbett is about to tap but instead he grabs a rope forcing the referee to break it up! Franny starts arguing with Elder Justice when JBC hits The Corbett Report (ROLLING CLOSELINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD) to Franny. He goes for the pin
1…
2….
“HE KICKED OUT! THAT’S THE FIRST TIME EVER! GREVIOUS CRISP!” exclaims Buackson!
John Boy Corbett says that cowboy thing that cowboys say, the thing in his theme song, you know, then he hoists Franny up for The Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam) and hits him with it for the 3 to retain the championship! John Boy helps Franny to his feet and they shake hands. THEN ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT!
“The lights are off! Oh no!” screams Buackson!
The tron starts lighting up and flashing, and crop. Then OUT OF NOWHERE A CHAIR DROPS FROM THE RAFTERS. The camera pans up to see who dropped it, but a figure moves away before we can get a good look at him.
JBC bends down and looks at the chair, then he turns it over and a nail is sticking out of it!
“A Nail Chair? That’s the signature weapon of…” his voice trails off and on cue, the tron stops flashing and shows a wall covered with blood, the splotches of chicken blood spelled out a message intended for the SSAW Global Warrior Champion.
“Her skeleton will remain in the chamber forever, oh and I’m coming back at the next show to fight you for the belt,” read the bloody message.
“Oh ship. That’s big, this is huge, the return of “Murder, Kill, Death” Cactus Flanders, “That Nail Chair Wielding Mother Flipper”, is coming back at Valentine’s Day Massacre 3, February 14th, 2024. It’s been over a year sense we’ve seen his gruesome, limb hacking, deathly murder killer face. AND HE’S COMING BACK WITH A VENGEANCE, he wants JBC who is still Global Warrior champion after ending his glorious reign in HECK IN A CELL. We’ll probably never have another one of those.
There was so much wreckage so much near-death murder happenings of near-death murder swag. At the end Flanders laid broken through a glass table with thumbtacks in his left leg, and regular tacks in his right. His neck was broken and his heart stopped beating for 10 minutes. It was the greatest triumph in John Boy’s life, but now the demon is back and unleashed. Next month we see their greatest showdown yet. Yes, it is Corbett verses Flanders eight, not sure which Star Wars movie that is, but it’s two after Return of The Jedi. Right, Flanders v. Corbett Episode VIII: The Unstoppable Entity of Righteous Death Serum, on Pay-per-view,” breathes Buackson, clearly awed at the superultraclashswagyolo that will happen next month.
John Boy Corbett starts crying as all his painful memories and nightmares appear before his eyes and the scene fades to black.
1/8/24
Last night’s SSAW PPV, was, really flippin’ swag. Buy the replay. CACTUS FLANDERS IS BACK, I’m gonna wink all flippin’ day now, holy ship.
Sabin said in an interview that being a mime is cool yada yada,
Still haven’t seen Master Satriani around, hopefully he’s dead he can’t wrestle for butt. Headlock as a finisher? Tapped out 420 guys with it? Screams jobber joke all over it.
I thought the ladder match was going to be match of the night, but only the live crowd got to see that, whatever, we got a Exe Cution, flash forward? I thought that show was cancelled decades ago.
1/54/24
SSAW committed some more murders apparently due to the stone chair shot on their programming. To bad they don’t all go to Judge Sapphire, because he is my boy and he always strikes them down since they are so silly.
Seriously the whole point of TV is to be as edgy as possible, remember when Edge flipped that girl on WWE TV and we got to see a bobby pin? That was edgy SSAW are trying to bring the Attitude Era back, so what if a few kids die every month.
1/105/24
Valentine’s Day Massacre 3 is just fourteen days away! Holy butt, “That Nail Chair Mo’suckra” is back with killing on the mind. He’s gonna shatter some skulls. STACKED CARD
SSAW Global Warrior Championship – 8th Time In Your Lifetime, Probably More, Singles Match
John Boy Corbett © vs. Cactus Flanders
They are saying the show will be available in 503 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
SuperSpecialAwesomecap #1 of 4
8/2/10 (American Style)
11 Bad Things
Brain Damage interrupted the pre-show proceedings to cut a promo about Sherman Tank while smashing light tubes over his head. He’s more hardcore than Mick Foley. He was going to smash the final tube onto his head but he decided to save it for Sherman Tank.
Green Ant said it was his honor to open up the first ever Super Special Awesome Wrestling event.
Green Ant d. Acid Jaz in 47 seconds when he submitted to the Cloverleaf.
RV1 is backstage he was pretending to smoke something but there is clearly nothing there. RV1 says he’s a fighter and is prepared to bring the fight whenever he can!
“The Badbutt” RV1 d. “Bladez” Jason Blade when he hit The Badbutt Spin Kick (Spin Kick).
Sherman Tank says that Brain Damage takes a mean game and then says the cliché that usually goes with that. Tank says he will Tank Out Brain Damage. Get it?
Sherman Tank d. Brain Damage when a light tube shot aimed at Sherman instead hit the referee allowing Sherman to hit the Tank Out (Double Closeline).
Rip Impact says he won a tournament in Brazil to be here today, so he will no doubt walk out with the greatest championship in SSAW. THE SSAW BACKYARD WARRIOR CHAMPIONSHIP. He says he’d kill for any belt.
Rip Impact d. Frightmare via cheating to win the vacant SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship and become the inaugural champion. Impact hightails it up the ramp before Frightmare can get his hands on him.
SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship
--Rip Impact © d. RV1 (Eye Poke) 9/11/10
--Rip Impact © d. Konrad (Low Blow) 10/3/10
--Rip Impact © d. Frightmare (Spear Into Exposed Turnbuckle) (afterwards Impact ran him over with a lawn mower) Match 3 of a Best of Five Series 1/2/11
--Impressed by that edgy spot WWE signed both Rip Impact and Frightmare vacating the Backyard Warrior Championship January 2011
--Kyle O’Reilly d. Jason Blade, Retail Dragon, and Earl Huff to win the vacant championship (Shipload of Kicks) 2/14/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. Green Ant (Brainbuster followed by REALLY HARD KICK) 3/6/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. Deranged (ROLLING KNEE STRIKE) 4/30/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. RV1 (Rollup) 5/1/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. Chucky Blaze (Super German Suplex) 6/5/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. Arik Cannon (Stylez accidently hit Cannon with a Frying Pan) 7/3/11
8/7/11 (American Style)
Super One Year Spectacular
Supa Cito Kid came out from the back before the lights came out he said he was Supa excited to open the show in a six man tag in a bit.
Iain Morris came out of the back too and joined Supa Cito Kid, they chatted about their favorite movies released in 2004. Supa Cito Kid said his favorite movie was Iron Jawed Angels, Morris agreed with him he thought the contrived romantic plot with Patrick Dempsey was completely necessary.
Iain Morris, Supa Cito Kid and Retail Dragon d. Brian Fury, Earl Huff, and Shawn Stylez when Morris and Supa Cito hit Shawn Style with the Iron Jawed Angel Kick (Double Yakuza Kick)
Michael Avery came out from the back with handcuffs and a microphone. He called Zack Sabre Jr. an illegal immigrant and threatened to put him under arrest unless he faces him next! Junior entered and accepted the challenge.
Michael Avery d. Zack Sabre Jr. when he hit Deported (ROLLING ELBOW), Avery put the cuffs on him but Junior was able to use the force to escape the cuffs. He had just watched Attack of The Clones the day before.
Deranged appeared backstage, he noted that next he will face Green Ant in an Ironman Match, he also said he isn’t a Plessy v. Ferguson who plays by rules, he uses weapons, he’s like Mick Foley, then he crushed a light tube on his head. He took another light tube and said that on is for Green Ant.
Green Ant d. Deranged in a 45-Minute Ironman Match (Twist on the normal rules) 11 falls to 9 falls. Ant won most of his with the Cloverleaf, Deranged with Light tube shots.
Everyone thought that was the main event then a pane of glass on the ramp was shattered by Sherman Tank making his SSAW return. He said that management has decided to give him a title match tonight since the original match fell through when WWE’s CM Punk got hit by a car. The fans that paid to see Punk were pretty sad.
Sherman Tank d. Kyle O’Reilly © when Shawn Stylez distracted O’Reilly allowing Sherman Tank to hit a Triple PowerTank (Triple Powerbomb) to get the win and become the new SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion.
SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship
--Sherman Tank © d. RV1 (Triple PowerTank) 9/11/11
--Sherman Tank © d. Green Ant (Three Spears) 10/2/11
--Sherman Tank © d. Kyle O’Reilly (BearTANK (Bearhug)) 11/6/11
--Sherman Tank got hit by a car and was forced to vacate the belt November 2011
--Deranged d. Kyle O’Reilly (Light Tube To The Stomach) in the finals of a tournament to win the vacant championship 2/14/12
--Deranged © d. Brain Damage (Light Tube Bodyslam) 3/4/12
--Deranged © d. Matt Vaughn (Light Tube Chair Shot) 4/1/12
--Deranged © d. Brain Damage (2 Light Tube Bodyslams) 6/3/12
--Deranged © d. Arik Cannon (Pizza Cutter To The Neck (RKO)) 7/1/12
8/5/12 (American Style)
Super 2 Year Spectacular
Retail Dragon d. Moohamad in the dark match when hit a DDT.
Brain Damage cut a promo on STIGMA, he said that he is a real wrestler and he fights like one so he better watch out or he’ll end up with brain damage. Get it?
Brain Damage d. STIGMA with 5 DDTs and a light tube shot when the referee’s back was turned. STIGMA watched out and avoided brain damage this time, but next time if he fails to watch out then he might get it.
Sherman Tank entered the arena with a microphone and said that getting hit by a car really hurt his body and has taken its tool. Tank says with the injury it is really hard to wrestle somebody but that he is willing to fight through it for one last match!
Sherman Tank d. Green Ant with the Tank Out (Double Closeline) afterwards Tank and Green Ant hugged and all the good guys came out and they had a retirement boogie. They all did the Thriller dance since Michael Jackson is dead.
Shawn Stylez came out and crashed the party; he said matches are going to start happening now so they better all go to the back. Sherman Tank told Stylez to come into the ring after all his friends left. Tank hit Stylez with a Triple PowerTank (Triple Powerbomb).
Helios d. Eric Porter with a Double Rotation Moonsault for a three. That move was really cool.
Deranged came out from the back and said that since Kyle O’Reilly’s contract was stolen by evil pirates and sold to the WWE he couldn’t cash in his title shot tonight. He went on to say that this was his plan all along and that the evil pirates that kidnapped O’Reilly were his crewmembers and he was the Captain! He announced a swashbuckler’s open challenge will main event the show next. Deranged has evolved, he is now “Swashbuckling” Captain Deranged!
Captain Deranged © d. Andrew Alexander when he hit a Piratebomb (Powerbomb) to retain the SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship! Deranged picked up Alexander and move thieves him hitting him with a Great Slam (Bodyslam) but onto a board! Then he spits on him!
SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship
--Green Ant d. Captain Deranged ©, Eric Porter and Helios (Cloverleaf to Porter) 9/11/12
--Green Ant © d. Pinkie Sanchez (Rollup) 10/7/12
--Green Ant © d. Sabian (Antdriver (Piledriver)) 11/4/12
--After the match Sabian kicked Green Ant really hard in the head taking him out of action for some time and vacating the championship November 2012
--Helios d. Eric Porter, Fire Ant, and Soldier Ant (Double Rotation Moonsault on Porter) to win the vacant championship 12/21/12
--Helios d. Eric Porter (Middle Rope Phoenix Splash) 1/6/13
--Helios says he wanted to do something special for his girlfriend so he is choosing to vacate the title in order to spend time with her on Valentine’s Day February 2013
--Soldier Ant d. Brandon Van Danielson, Jaysin Strife, and Zack Sabre Jr. (Antdriver to Van Danielson (Piledriver)) to win the vacant championship 2/14/13
--Soldier Ant © d. Green Ant (Cloverleaf) 4/7/13
--Soldier Ant © d. Atomic Boy (Antdiver (Piledriver)) 7/7/13
SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championship
--Kyle Matthews and Dusty Adonis d. Soldier Ant and Fire Ant (Adonis hits ROLLING ELBOW to Soldier Ant; Fire Ant watched him get pinned) in the finals of a tournament to win the vacant championship 6/2/13
--Kyle Matthews © and Dusty Adonis © d. Eddie Kingston and Brain Damage (Matthews his a Low Blow to Eddie Kingston) 7/7/13
--Kyle Matthews crashed his car into a tree but it was little one so he only got injured forcing them to vacate the titles July 2013
11 Bad Things
Brain Damage interrupted the pre-show proceedings to cut a promo about Sherman Tank while smashing light tubes over his head. He’s more hardcore than Mick Foley. He was going to smash the final tube onto his head but he decided to save it for Sherman Tank.
Green Ant said it was his honor to open up the first ever Super Special Awesome Wrestling event.
Green Ant d. Acid Jaz in 47 seconds when he submitted to the Cloverleaf.
RV1 is backstage he was pretending to smoke something but there is clearly nothing there. RV1 says he’s a fighter and is prepared to bring the fight whenever he can!
“The Badbutt” RV1 d. “Bladez” Jason Blade when he hit The Badbutt Spin Kick (Spin Kick).
Sherman Tank says that Brain Damage takes a mean game and then says the cliché that usually goes with that. Tank says he will Tank Out Brain Damage. Get it?
Sherman Tank d. Brain Damage when a light tube shot aimed at Sherman instead hit the referee allowing Sherman to hit the Tank Out (Double Closeline).
Rip Impact says he won a tournament in Brazil to be here today, so he will no doubt walk out with the greatest championship in SSAW. THE SSAW BACKYARD WARRIOR CHAMPIONSHIP. He says he’d kill for any belt.
Rip Impact d. Frightmare via cheating to win the vacant SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship and become the inaugural champion. Impact hightails it up the ramp before Frightmare can get his hands on him.
SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship
--Rip Impact © d. RV1 (Eye Poke) 9/11/10
--Rip Impact © d. Konrad (Low Blow) 10/3/10
--Rip Impact © d. Frightmare (Spear Into Exposed Turnbuckle) (afterwards Impact ran him over with a lawn mower) Match 3 of a Best of Five Series 1/2/11
--Impressed by that edgy spot WWE signed both Rip Impact and Frightmare vacating the Backyard Warrior Championship January 2011
--Kyle O’Reilly d. Jason Blade, Retail Dragon, and Earl Huff to win the vacant championship (Shipload of Kicks) 2/14/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. Green Ant (Brainbuster followed by REALLY HARD KICK) 3/6/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. Deranged (ROLLING KNEE STRIKE) 4/30/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. RV1 (Rollup) 5/1/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. Chucky Blaze (Super German Suplex) 6/5/11
--Kyle O’Reilly © d. Arik Cannon (Stylez accidently hit Cannon with a Frying Pan) 7/3/11
8/7/11 (American Style)
Super One Year Spectacular
Supa Cito Kid came out from the back before the lights came out he said he was Supa excited to open the show in a six man tag in a bit.
Iain Morris came out of the back too and joined Supa Cito Kid, they chatted about their favorite movies released in 2004. Supa Cito Kid said his favorite movie was Iron Jawed Angels, Morris agreed with him he thought the contrived romantic plot with Patrick Dempsey was completely necessary.
Iain Morris, Supa Cito Kid and Retail Dragon d. Brian Fury, Earl Huff, and Shawn Stylez when Morris and Supa Cito hit Shawn Style with the Iron Jawed Angel Kick (Double Yakuza Kick)
Michael Avery came out from the back with handcuffs and a microphone. He called Zack Sabre Jr. an illegal immigrant and threatened to put him under arrest unless he faces him next! Junior entered and accepted the challenge.
Michael Avery d. Zack Sabre Jr. when he hit Deported (ROLLING ELBOW), Avery put the cuffs on him but Junior was able to use the force to escape the cuffs. He had just watched Attack of The Clones the day before.
Deranged appeared backstage, he noted that next he will face Green Ant in an Ironman Match, he also said he isn’t a Plessy v. Ferguson who plays by rules, he uses weapons, he’s like Mick Foley, then he crushed a light tube on his head. He took another light tube and said that on is for Green Ant.
Green Ant d. Deranged in a 45-Minute Ironman Match (Twist on the normal rules) 11 falls to 9 falls. Ant won most of his with the Cloverleaf, Deranged with Light tube shots.
Everyone thought that was the main event then a pane of glass on the ramp was shattered by Sherman Tank making his SSAW return. He said that management has decided to give him a title match tonight since the original match fell through when WWE’s CM Punk got hit by a car. The fans that paid to see Punk were pretty sad.
Sherman Tank d. Kyle O’Reilly © when Shawn Stylez distracted O’Reilly allowing Sherman Tank to hit a Triple PowerTank (Triple Powerbomb) to get the win and become the new SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion.
SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship
--Sherman Tank © d. RV1 (Triple PowerTank) 9/11/11
--Sherman Tank © d. Green Ant (Three Spears) 10/2/11
--Sherman Tank © d. Kyle O’Reilly (BearTANK (Bearhug)) 11/6/11
--Sherman Tank got hit by a car and was forced to vacate the belt November 2011
--Deranged d. Kyle O’Reilly (Light Tube To The Stomach) in the finals of a tournament to win the vacant championship 2/14/12
--Deranged © d. Brain Damage (Light Tube Bodyslam) 3/4/12
--Deranged © d. Matt Vaughn (Light Tube Chair Shot) 4/1/12
--Deranged © d. Brain Damage (2 Light Tube Bodyslams) 6/3/12
--Deranged © d. Arik Cannon (Pizza Cutter To The Neck (RKO)) 7/1/12
8/5/12 (American Style)
Super 2 Year Spectacular
Retail Dragon d. Moohamad in the dark match when hit a DDT.
Brain Damage cut a promo on STIGMA, he said that he is a real wrestler and he fights like one so he better watch out or he’ll end up with brain damage. Get it?
Brain Damage d. STIGMA with 5 DDTs and a light tube shot when the referee’s back was turned. STIGMA watched out and avoided brain damage this time, but next time if he fails to watch out then he might get it.
Sherman Tank entered the arena with a microphone and said that getting hit by a car really hurt his body and has taken its tool. Tank says with the injury it is really hard to wrestle somebody but that he is willing to fight through it for one last match!
Sherman Tank d. Green Ant with the Tank Out (Double Closeline) afterwards Tank and Green Ant hugged and all the good guys came out and they had a retirement boogie. They all did the Thriller dance since Michael Jackson is dead.
Shawn Stylez came out and crashed the party; he said matches are going to start happening now so they better all go to the back. Sherman Tank told Stylez to come into the ring after all his friends left. Tank hit Stylez with a Triple PowerTank (Triple Powerbomb).
Helios d. Eric Porter with a Double Rotation Moonsault for a three. That move was really cool.
Deranged came out from the back and said that since Kyle O’Reilly’s contract was stolen by evil pirates and sold to the WWE he couldn’t cash in his title shot tonight. He went on to say that this was his plan all along and that the evil pirates that kidnapped O’Reilly were his crewmembers and he was the Captain! He announced a swashbuckler’s open challenge will main event the show next. Deranged has evolved, he is now “Swashbuckling” Captain Deranged!
Captain Deranged © d. Andrew Alexander when he hit a Piratebomb (Powerbomb) to retain the SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship! Deranged picked up Alexander and move thieves him hitting him with a Great Slam (Bodyslam) but onto a board! Then he spits on him!
SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship
--Green Ant d. Captain Deranged ©, Eric Porter and Helios (Cloverleaf to Porter) 9/11/12
--Green Ant © d. Pinkie Sanchez (Rollup) 10/7/12
--Green Ant © d. Sabian (Antdriver (Piledriver)) 11/4/12
--After the match Sabian kicked Green Ant really hard in the head taking him out of action for some time and vacating the championship November 2012
--Helios d. Eric Porter, Fire Ant, and Soldier Ant (Double Rotation Moonsault on Porter) to win the vacant championship 12/21/12
--Helios d. Eric Porter (Middle Rope Phoenix Splash) 1/6/13
--Helios says he wanted to do something special for his girlfriend so he is choosing to vacate the title in order to spend time with her on Valentine’s Day February 2013
--Soldier Ant d. Brandon Van Danielson, Jaysin Strife, and Zack Sabre Jr. (Antdriver to Van Danielson (Piledriver)) to win the vacant championship 2/14/13
--Soldier Ant © d. Green Ant (Cloverleaf) 4/7/13
--Soldier Ant © d. Atomic Boy (Antdiver (Piledriver)) 7/7/13
SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championship
--Kyle Matthews and Dusty Adonis d. Soldier Ant and Fire Ant (Adonis hits ROLLING ELBOW to Soldier Ant; Fire Ant watched him get pinned) in the finals of a tournament to win the vacant championship 6/2/13
--Kyle Matthews © and Dusty Adonis © d. Eddie Kingston and Brain Damage (Matthews his a Low Blow to Eddie Kingston) 7/7/13
--Kyle Matthews crashed his car into a tree but it was little one so he only got injured forcing them to vacate the titles July 2013
"Champagne's Last Glass"/"Hamjog"
Dear Diary,
GENE BARBECUE, you think you’re better than me? Flip you you’re not. IT’S ME AND MY BEST FRIEND AGAINST YOU. We’re gonna kick your flippin’ ace. Do you want to get shot? Well I’m not gonna do that but I’ll kick your ace hard as flip. Fo’sho.
TAKING THE PAST isn’t just a stable name it is a life style I ALWAYS TAKE. THE PAST. I ALWAYS TAKE THE PAST!
DOUBLE BED WARRIOR CHAMPIONS? You two are a couple of sisters and we’re in prison and you dropped the soap, um, we are in co-ed showers, uh then me and my buddy rope you two! Then you two will be our Valentines! RESPECT THE FUTURE! You will lose your titles tonight. Hold on tight to them while you still can. It is my destiny to win the belts from you two girl clown sister frags, ALL I NEED IS DESTINY.
WE ARE TAKING THE PAST!
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
I hope I’m Tri Bute’s best friend. I have all this pent up aggression I need to take out on something. HE’S MARRIED WHAT THE FLIP! HOW COME I WASN’T INVITED TO THE CEREMONY? HOW COME HE DIDN’T MARRY ME? I LOVE HIM!!!!!1 Excuse my moment of distress. I don’t really know what else to say.
Yeah,
Jonathon Gold
Diary Dearest,
Ever since I became a bad guy I’ve had this yearning for blood, I want to kill someone and draw pretty pictures with the blood. Then that silly Rock puts me up against the only other man who can hold candles to my legacy. I’ll beat the snot out of that little girl face horse butt monkey frag. Then I’ll become the number one contender again, win the title, and bring a new swagger to the SSAW Global Warrior Championship that only my epic heelness could provide. NOW I’M A HEEL.
AND I’M TAKING OVER!,
“Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Future Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” Kyle “Motherflipping” O’Reilly
Dear Diary,
Well cars hurt, but whatever I’ll be fine. I’m not going to be out for a year, I’ll probably fight tonight if I’m Tri Bute’s best friend. I am probably. Andy Ridge beat me. It was really cool the way he did it or whatever. If Exe Cution wasn’t a flippin’ idiot taking a nap I would still be champ, but 400 days isn’t that bad I guess. Past taking time I guess.
From,
“The Present Warrior” Vio Lent
Dear Diary,
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. I’m always telling myself it’s the time to let go. But moving on from him is…..
-JBC
Valentine’s Day Massacre 3
February 14th 2024
The Super Special Awesome Dome in Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe in 503 languages and American dialects!
“The Pirate Lord” Hijo Del Pirata Morgan d. “The Sith Killer” Zack Sabre Jr. after hitting a moonsault from heck in the dark match.
FIND LIGHT IN THE BEAUTIFUL SEA
I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY
YOU AND I
YOU AND I
WE’RE LIKE DIAMONDS IN THE SKY
“Woohoo!”
“We’re are kicking off tonight’s SUPER PPV EXTRAVAGANZA with tag team action! Violence! Wreckage! Murder! Kill! Death! Bear Skin! IT ALL GOES DOWN TONIGHT!” says Johnny Buackson!
“So, hold on tight! This next match is a dream! Remember those medics from last week? They are taking on a couple of High Flyers! The debuting Ryan Flanders and Holden Ross! They are friends with “Speedy” Marcus Speed and “Mysterious” Ern Mystery so this is pretty much a grudge match!” says Jonathon Gold.
“Oh man it’s so great to hear you say something other than what. That sexy voice of yours gives the ladies at home an organism every time!”
“Oh Johnny your such a flirt! Sorry about my intense shock. I really wasn’t expecting that stone chair shot. It was so edgy and pretty much summed up what this whole show is about. Sometimes stuff that happens is so edgy that it can even put your “Guides Into This Wonderful World of Edginess” in a state of panic. It had absolutely nothing to do with you saying you flipped your wife hard,” says Gold.
“It’s starting to give me an organism too, grievous crisp maybe we should put a muzzle on those soft, sweet, delicate lips,”
Anyway, The Healing Powers took on Lightning In The Jungle, in this case it is the team of Holden Ross and Ryan Flanders! It is a great high pace match! Doctor Pring hit a really hard spin kick to Ross once and it almost KO’d him. Instead of going for the pin, his doctor instincts kicked in and he checked his pulse. His heart was still beating so everything is okay. Pring then went for a pin remembering where he was!
1…
KICKOUT GRIEVOUS CRISP!
Ross tags in to his partner whom immediately hits Doctor Pring with the OKR (Neckbreaker) for the three to win the match! Holden Ross and Ryan Flanders celebrated their way to the back while Doctor Wood gave his partner CPR.
“BOYS I TELL YOU A LOT OF WISE THINGS,” says Papa Barbecue as we head backstage. He is wearing a military uniform and has an Indiana Jones whip on hand. “BUT NOW I’M GON TELL YOU SOME SHIP ME PAPA TELLED ME,” says Papa Barbecue. “When I was a boy he’d telled me, when you fight a person from the future and his best friend, you have to use all your brains and all you your guts to your advantage. That’s what you boys better goshdarn do or you’ll get my goshdarn whip. Franny, how’s your ace from losing to JBC?” asks Papa.
“It’s all sore,” pouts Francis Barbecue as he rubs his bottom.
“And yours from throwin’ up Ginny?” asks Papa making sure his boys have learned their lesson, first demeaning them with girls names since those are the lesser of the two sexes.
“Although the pain has passed physically, I don’t think I will never forget what that whippin’ felt like. It was all sore fo’sho,” says Gene Barbecue.
“Now, be good tonight. Be real amazing. MAKE YOUR DADDY PROUD OR YOU’LL HAVE A SORE ACE. I’m not afraid to whip you boys. In fact I get a kick out of it,” says Papa. “God didn’t give me daughters when I asked for sons did he? Now the match isn’t until a wee bit later, so don’t worry about it right now. Just no eating before the match or there will be trouble,” says Papa.
He cracks the whip onto the floor!
“That Papa Barbecue and his outdated parenting methods!” says Gold.
“What silly skylarking will The Natural Born Grillers get into next?” says Buack!
“That’s a cute question, they are a zany bunch of silly bills! But, we need to move on to something more serious. The eighth Star Wars film is happening tonight! It’s John Boy Corbett vs. Cactus Flanders for the SSAW Global Warrior Championship! IN OUR MAIN EVENT!” says Gold!
“That’s some hot ship! OH! I forgot to tell you my wife will be commentary with us for the main event, she’s a biker chick so she knows a lot about WCW and the old school not as edgy days of wrestling! You’d love her! Hey maybe if you get one we could swap fo- well actually I’m getting a little ahead of myself,” says Buack.
“Let’s ignore that last part for now, does she do analogies?” asks Gold.
Our next contest is a title match! Andy Ridge will defend his newly won SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship against Austin Creed! It was a match that was full of fun and it was the first match in awhile from Ridge that our PPV audience got to see since TLC 2, the ladder match where he won the title was interrupted by a flash forward of Exe Cution’s. They don’t call Andy Ridge “Mr. Yakuza Kick” for nothing! The match saw Ridge use the Yakuza Kick several times but Austin Creed was quite the crafty one and he was able to dodge it a few times!
Creed took the advantage when he hit Ridge with five bodyslams in succession then climbed to the top rope and went for a Leg-Clap Frogsplash, which he hit for a two count.
“Oh man that was a thing of beauty, Ballzy is such an innovator!”
“Well, does she?” asks Gold.
“Man, Austin Creed is to Leg-Clap Frogsplash as Andy Ridge is to Yakuza Kick, that’s for sure!” announces Buack!
Creed and Ridge trade knife-edge chops IT IS SO AWESOME! Ridge gets Creed into the corner and starts chopping the ship out of him! One of the commentators makes a racist joke that I don’t feel good about typing out. THEN RIDGE HITS THE ROLLING YAKUZA KICK!
“Gosh darn grievous crisp!” shouts Buackson!
“Why isn’t he going for the pin?” asks Gold!
“NO! NOT THIS RIDGE YOU ARE CRAY!” shouts Buack!
Ridge hits Creed with a ROLLING ELECTRIFYING PEOPLE’S GREAT ONE ELBOW!
ONE
TWO
THREE, it’s over Andy Ridge took Creed to his limit! Ridge got on the microphone after the match and said The Rock and him are friends so he lets him use his moves, he says he doesn’t want anyone to think that he was a dirty thief! He reminds us that he took a shower before the match so he is clean not dirty! Ridge reminds the kids at home to brush their teeth and eat their veggies!
“Man, that Andy Ridge is a gentleman and a scholar!” says Gold.
“Unlike these two, they are bad guys, let’s head backstage,” says Buackson.
“You have a big number one contender match next Ky-Ky! YOU READY? I’m a sports agent gosh darnit!” says Mild Walsh!
“Jagged is a punk butt, he’s been harshin’ on my groove, but I think it’s time for “The Emperor of Wrestling” to get a new groove. I’ll kick every inch of his body with almost every inch of mine, especially my feet!” says Kyle O’Reilly, is there any line this bad guy won’t cross?
“KYLE! Tonight we will show Jagged what being a bad guy is all about. You’ll kick him in the head as hard as possible, make sure to slap you thigh to make it sound cooler, and I’ll be prepared to aid you in any way. I have bags with different powders and I know how to throw a fireball and do that mist thing. Do you want a backrub?” asks Walsh.
“No, the last guy that got a backrub got hit by a car. I’ll just rub oil on myself and put on wrist tape. I’m a bad guy gosh darnit!” says Kyle O’Reilly!
“How about a hamjog?” asks Gold, as the scene fades away.
ONE MAN
MANY FRIENDS
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER FRIENDS
SUPER BROS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
“The King of The Cage” Jagged jumps out of the stage like Rey Mysterio did like when he was in WWE like towards the beginning-ish.
“Wow, that entrance was something I like and something that’s never been done ever!” says Buackson!
“I thought it was really cute!” says Gold.
Jagged rolls into the ring and all the fans cheer for him because he is so cool. The winner of this match will get a shot at the SSAW Global Warrior Championship next month at In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre, all the way in Spain, honoring the 21st anniversary of those awful Madrid train bombings, EDGY.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
OF A FAR-OFF PLACE
WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME
WILL BE WAITING FOR ME
WHERE THE CROWD WILL CHEER
WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE
AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING
THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE
WERP
EXCEPT NOW
I’M A HEEL
AND I’M TAKE
ING OVER
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
BEACHES!
“And speak of the dummies, here they are now!”
“Those sick perverts!” says Gold as he slams his hand on the desk, “I don’t like them!”
“Didn’t you want to give Ky-Ky a hamjog?” questions Buack!
“I forgot he was a bad guy!” says Gold
The match itself was nonconsensual and hard. Kyle O’Reilly literally kicked every inch of Jagged’s body, he even checked with a tape measure. Then Mild Walsh distracted the referee so Kyle could kick Jagged in the dock. Kyle then signaled for the Guillotine! Kyle starts choking out Jagged with his best finisher!
“Uh oh! This move makes people cough blood! Usually he saves it for special occasions!”
“This is a special occasion,” says Gold!
Jagged starts coughing blood causing the referee to ring the bell and stop the match.
“Your winner and new #1 Contender via referee stoppage, “Loveless” “Blockbuster” “The Emperor of Wrestling” “Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly!” announces ring announcer Troy Stone!
Kyle flashes Jagged an in a bad way, then rolled out of the ring, and walked over to the announce booth.
“I’m ready for my hamjog,” says Kyle to Jonathon Gold. Gold refuses, but Kyle takes a piece of ham out of his tights and tells Jonathon, “If you don’t make it jog, I’ll beat the crop out of you,”
“HEY, beach boy, back off, the only guy here that’ll get a hamjog from Goldo, is me so back the flip off or I’ll teach you both how to Dougie (in the future that is a way to get beat up not a dance)!
Intimidated, Ky-Ky backs off, Mild Walsh reassures Jonathon Gold that, “Kyle will be back for his hamjog when your boyfriend isn’t around to protect you, you owe it to him you slot bag,” Mild Walsh always threatens people.
MEANWHILE IN AN ABONDONED SHACK,
“Hey, Satriani? Do you want out of here?” asks a voice.
“Well, yes, duh, I do! You only let me drink cream soda. CREAM SODA SUCKS! I’m going crazy, AM I GOING TO DIE IN HERE? It’s been like 2 and a half months, I’d like to continue wrestling,” says Satriani, still tied to the chair which is bolted down.
“Okay, I’ll let you out but you have to promise me something.”
“What?”
“You have to join my bowling team, were short a guy, oh and you have to back me up tonight in my match, you know help me win and stuff,”
“Who are you facing?”
“John Boy Corbett,”
“I thought you said you were friends?”
We are, but like how bad guys call good guys their friends, then the good guy is all like HEY WE AIN’T FRIENDS YOU KILLED MY GRANDFATHER, and then the bad guy is like yeah but I like you wanna team up?” says the voice.
“So you want to team up with JBC?”
“No, I want you to team up with me, pay attention shiphead,”
“That’s the first time you cussed at me! Do you really have to use that language? Are you a sailor?” asks Master Satriani.
“No, I’m EDGY! NOW ARE YOU GONNA TEAM UP WITH ME? OR DO YOU WANT TROUBLE?” asks the voice.
“Yes, I’ll team with you until you don’t want to anymore, but on one condition, you must tell me your name!” demands Master Satriani.
“Well, yeah, I was going to tell you who I was anyway, it would far too difficult to team with someone who isn’t your best friend. My name is Cactus Flanders. I’m a former SSAW Global Warrior Champion and my signature weapon is a steel chair with a nail on it. Since we’re best friends now I’ll have to come clean about something. Remember when you shipped blood like a month and a half ago? I used it to write a threatening message,” says Cactus Flanders as he turns on the lights to reveal himself.
Satriani looks around and realizes he is in a six dungeon. With whips and the like. Flanders unties him and leads him out of his basement.
“It’s totally okay, I’m just glad my ship wasn’t wasted,” says Satriani as we head back to the show.
Exe Cution (David Hart Smith), Tri Bute, and Vio Lent (Tyler Black) are all hanging out backstage.
“Has Tri Bute told us who his best friend is yet? He better hurry up his tag title match is next, oh and thanks for standing up for me back there,” asks Gold.
“No he hasn’t I think that will be established in this segment of the program, oh and don’t mention it, or the rest of that conversation to my wife, she’s the only one that can give me a hamjog,” says Buackson, informational-like.
“So, let’s get the elephant out of the room, Tri Bute, who is your best friend?” asks Exe Cution, “Please say me I really hope it’s me!”
“No it’s Vio Lent, I like him more, so he’ll team with me next and we’ll TAKE THE PAST!” announces Tri Bute! Butey and Lent walk out towards the stage, but Vio looks back and sees that Exe Cution is distraught. Vio Lent turns around and consoles him.
“Hey, buddy, don’t cry!”
“Too late!” Exe Cution starts bawling his eyes out.
“Exe! Don’t do this! Don’t cry, you can be my best friend. I like you more than Tri Bute,” says Vio Lent.
“It’s not that, but thanks, it’s that vision I had last month at Eternal Suffering 2,”
“Oh right, WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO BE HELPING ME WIN! I forgot all about that, NO, you aren’t my best friend, you made me lose. Come get me when you’re ready to apologize. Flip you dude,” says Lent as he leaves his friend crying backstage.
IT’S A HUMAN SIGN
WHEN THINGS GO WRONG
WHEN THE SCENT OF HER LINGERS
AND THE TEMPTATION’S STRONG
WERP
LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
NO ONE CONDEMING YOU
LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS YOU
LED TO THE WATER
WERP
THIS APEARED AS A MORAL DILEMMA
CAUSE AT FIRST IT WAS WEIRD THAT I SWORE TO ELIMINATE
THE WORST OF THE PLAGUE THAT DEVOURED HUMANITY
IT’S TRUE I WAS VAGUE ON THE HOW SO HOW CAN IT BE THAT
YOU WITH YOUR WORDS LIKE KNIVES
AND SWORDS AND WEAPONS THAT YOU USE AGAINST ME
JUST KIDDING WE DON’T LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT WE ARE TAKING THE PAST
Two caskets start lowering from the ceiling; they are decorated with purple skulls and chicken blood. They also have spikes on them. The caskets land and they open up and the two badbutt mo’suckras pop out!
“Hey guys, my best friend and I are here to kick some aces, and we’ll do it hardcore, isn’t that right Butey?”
“You betcha, STEP ONE to TAKING THE PAST is TAKING THE GOLD, Vio may have dropped the featherweight belt last month, but that belt is stupid anyway, you held it for like 400 days, tell them how stupid it was Vio!” commands Tri Bute.
“It’s very stupid!”
“Good boy! ANYWAY GRILLERS? YOU SUCK. Prepare your buns fo-,”
“Something stiff and something hard!” finishes Vio Lent.
“No, for a good ax kickin’,” corrects Tri Bute. “We’re trying to look tough not gee,”
“You think your tough, right Ginny? Let me tell you something about barbecuing, it’s déclassé it’s out, far-out. Only lame duck people barbecue nowadays. They have nothing better to do, they live in lakes. DO THE GRILLERS LIVE IN LAKES? Get with the times guys,” rants Vio Lent.
“Even I’m with the times and I’m from THE FUTURE!”
“Okay, time to talk ship about their favorite musical acts, do your thing Butey,” says Vio Lent.
“LIVEN IN MY OWN WORLD
DIDN’T UNDERSTAND
THAT ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN
WHEN YOU TAKE A CHANCE,” sings Tri Bute.
“I NEVER BELIEVED IN
WHAT I COULDN’T SEE
I NEVER OPENED MY EYES
TO ALL THE POSSIBILITIES” sings Vio Lent.
“How’d you like that one? I used knowledge that I gathered from the future to learn that earlier today The Natural Born Grillers re-watched High School Musical. Gross. Did you know Glee was based on that garbage?” asks Tri Bute.
“I abhor that garbage. Quirky shows just tend to pee me off, I’ll watch the ship out of a Disney episode though; do they ever do that Tri Bute?”
Tri Bute presses a finger to his head.
“Using my expansive knowledge of the future, hold on, it could take a moment, NOPE THEY WON’T MAKE A DISNEY EPISODE, trash!” spoils Tri Bute.
“Anyway back to High School Musical, it sucks bu-,”
WE LIKE STEAK
WE LIKE SAUCE
GOOD GOSH THIS BAR-BE-QUE IS HASS
BEER IS GOOD
STEAK IS GOOD
OH SHIP THERE MIGHT BE FLOOD
T-SWIZZ IS ROCKIN’ TONIGHT
D-PART IS ROCKIN’ TONIGHT
ZEFRON IS ROCKIN’ TONIGHT
V-HUDGE IS ROCKIN’ TONIGHT
“Flippin’ finally, I was getting bored of them berating my favorite artists and musicals,” says Gold.
“I hope they don’t throw up!”
The Natural Born Grillers run down to the ring, and the hard-hitting match begins. All the wrestlers hit each with wrestling moves, but then Tri Bute and Vio Lent start using their future techniques to control the match and isolate Ginny, Vio Lent hits Gene with a ROLLING CLOSELINE FROM HECK!
ONE!
HE KICKED OUT AT ONE!
“Grievous Crisp! How in Sam Heck did he kick out of that ROLLING CLOSELINE?” asks Buackson.
“Do you think they will ever let Franny into the match? It isn’t fair to keep not letting him tag in! I hate when the bad guys use strategy and focus on one guy!” rants Gold.
“That’s cute,”
Vio gets really mad so he punches Ginny in the face, it hits hard! THEN TRI BUTE TAGS IN! Tri Bute hits Gene Barbecue with Royal Tri Bute (Attitude Adjustment Onto The Top Rope) sending hit out of the ring! I don’t remember if it’s a 10 or 20 count but that goes down! Gene gets in at either 9 or 19! It’s intense! If it had been a 10 or 20 count the Natural Born Grillers would have retained the belts! Would have been so bad for them! Tri Bute immediately pins Gene but he kicks out at one and hops to his feet! Gene hits Tri Bute with a Bodyslam and hot tags out to Franny!
“Franny is in! Ship is about to get real!”
“Mother flipping business is about to mother flipping pick the flip up, gosh darn!”
“Is that really necessary?”
“I had to make it more EDGY somehow!” shouts Buackson!
Franny hits Vio Lent and Tri Bute with a ton of bodyslams and crossbodies, at one point he even hits a really hard kick to one and a big boot to the other. Franny pulls Tri Bute onto his shoulders, and runs towards Gene who has his knees up, but before he can hit the steamroller Tri Bute slips out the back and rolls Franny up while tugging the tights, but the referee catches him in the act. Butey is so mad! Gene runs at him and hits him with the Steakbreaker (Codebreaker (Jumping Double Knee Facebuster)), it doesn’t take Tri Bute all the way down though so Franny hits him with a Saucebreaker (Backstabber (Jumping Double Knee Backbreaker), they both climb up on Tri Bute to pin him but Lent breaks it at 2.
“Our SSAW Megastars are always so impressive,”
“They are better than Superstars because they are edgier!”
Vio Lent elbows both Grillers in the stomach and hit a Double Spear to both of them. Then Lent pulls out the feather and hits Gene with Tickle Torture! The referee asks Gene if he wants to tap out! The crowd is chanting no! They don’t want the bad guys to take the past! Franny Barbecue comes out of nowhere and hits him with a ROARING DDT! Franny puts Lent onto his shoulders while Gene puts his knees up! Franny hits a steamroller onto Gene’s knees!
“MORE SAUCE FOR YOUR STEAK! THE NATURAL BORN GRILLERS ARE PAR-,”
“PARTYING TONIGHT!”, finishes Gold, “Man, finishing each other’s sentences it’s like we were meant to commentate together, Buack!”
Franny pins Vio Lent to get the win! More Sauce For Your Steak has never been kicked out of! Tri Bute rolls into the ring and tries to put masking tape on one of the Grillers. But he is distracted when someone’s theme music starts playing.
I’M DAVID HART SMITH
I GO BY EXE CUTION NOW
I’M DAVID HART SMITH
I JUST GO BY EXE CUTION NOW
CANADA
YEAH
CANADA
YEAH
I’M FROM CANADA
YEAH
“NO!” shouts Exe Cution from the ramp! Tri Bute flinches and drops his tape allowing the Grillers to go off with the titles they retained. Tri Bute grabs a microphone.
“What the flip dude? Did I tell you to interrupt me?” asks Tri Bute as he brings his fingers to his temple and starts squeezing his head. Cution cries out in pain as he clutches the tape on his head. “Interrupting the recruitment process is counter productive Exe, will I have to ground you?” asks Tri Bute.
“No,” breathes Cution as he pants on all fours from the ramp.
“Looks like your in the perfect position for your punishment,” says Butey as he rolls out of the ring and pulls out a sledgehammer. “Lenty, shove the back end of this through his ace,” commands Butey. Without a second thought Vio Lent takes the hammer and walks up the ramp and gets behind him. Lent takes the hammer’s back end and shoves it right into Cution’s ace, Exe moans out in pain and pleasure, after a half-minute Lent withdraws the back end of the hammer. Exe Cution reaches down and finds his favorite playing card with a whole in the center. It is completely unusable now.
“My Darren Criss Ace of Hearts!” shouts Cution.
“If even you think of getting in the way like that again I’ll take a lot more than just a playing card away from you,” threatens Butey, “Am I understood? DO YOU HEAR THE WORDS I SAY EXE?”
“Yes, I can hear your words, master,”
“Flip ups like this are exactly why Vio Lent is my best friend and you aren’t!” shouts Butey.
“Geez. Tri Bute is pretty mad,”
“Do you know how rare those Glee playing cards are?” asks Gold.
“If only it was a Lea Michelle one, then it’d bounce off her nose, laugh out loud,” says Buackson.
Tri Bute and Vio Lent leave Exe on the stage and head to the back.
MURDER
KILL
DEATH
TIME IS THE FIRE IN WHICH WE BURN
THE BITTER ASH AND DUST OF HATE CHOKE WHAT REMAINS
SO DON’T BREATHE A MOTE ABOUT FATE OR FAITH
CAUSE THOSE WORDS AND THEIR TOLL LEAVE SO MANY SO COLD
AND THE STORY’S SO OLD YET IT NEVER GETS TOLD
BUT IT’S WRITTEN IN THE SCARS ON THE WRISTS OF THE LOST
IN THE COLD OF LIFE
YEAH
MY MOTHER GOT ROPED AT NINE YEARS OLD
Cactus Flanders steps out of the back with a nail chair in hand. Exe Cution is still wallowing on the ramp, so Cactus Flanders is overcome with rage and hits him with the nail chair. Then Cactus picks him up and hits a Powerbomb onto the nail chair.
“OMGosh! Flanders just hit tossed him, I think he actually hit the nail part when he landed!” says Gold.
Cactus Flanders picks up Exe Cution and hits him with a Tombstone Piledriver onto the nail chair.
“That Nail Chair Mo’suckra channeling the Takerunder there! He’s a wrestling legend!”
“I thought his name was Belowselfish or like Gravedigger?” asks Gold.
“I misspoke it was the Overtaker!”
“No, no it’s the Overgiver, I looked it up!”
“Stupid name for a stupid wrestler, the Attitude Era wasn’t even cool, I’m so glad we live in the EDGY ERA!” shouts Buackson.
Flanders stops the beatdown on Exe Cution and goes to the ring. Flanders gets really mad and starts hitting the turnbuckles with the nail chair, totally ruining them.
“It seems like Flanders is getting impatient, he must really want JBC to get his butt out here,”
“I don’t know about you Buack, but I want JBC to walk away from me,”
“Speaking of nice aces, my wife should be joining us shortly, she knows all about WCW, the Overgiver and his streak at WrestleClash, it is famous because he actually got his wiener out before the security got him,”
“Oh really? I got to see that one,” says Gold with a smile on his face.
I AM A COWBOY
I LOVE RODEOS
I AM A COWBOY
I MILK COWS
I AM A COWBOY
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW
I AM A COW
BOY
COW
BOY
John Boy Corbett enters and helps Exe Cution to his feet; he checks his pulse to make sure he is still alive. Exe Cution tries to grab JBC’s hand, presumably to kiss it again but JBC pulls it away. Rejected, Cution heads to the back. John Boy turns to look at the ring but once his eyes hover over the challenger all the emotions return to him and he immediately collapses on the ramp. Some champion. More like chumpion am I right? Get it?
“Why is he so afraid to face Cactus Flanders? Hasn’t he beaten him in the past?” asks Gold.
“Oh Gold, it’s not as simple as that. Flanders matches off with Corbett in every way. It is almost as if Flanders is actually Ditto who takes the form Corbett when he wrestles. Except then he turns into a more stygian, homicidal, deadly, scarier version that isn’t afraid to bend the rules. A guy who feels like if their opponent dies in the ring he was just doing his job,”
“Yeah, you didn’t really answer my question,”
“Shut up,”
JBC slowly returns to his feet after giving himself a pep talk and rolls into the ring. Flanders had grown extremely impatient during this time and he ripped off the top rope. Flanders starts slamming his nail chair on the mat repeatedly as the bell tolls. The referee tries to confiscate his chair since this is a normal match, but Flanders threatens to hit him with it so he backs off. Flanders tries to hit JBC, but he dodges it and Flanders floors the referee instead.
“Um, a minute in and we already got a ref bump?”
“Yeah, now the match can be more edgy without rules getting in the way!” says Buackson, “Oh look it’s my lady!”
“Howdy,” says a feminine voice as she sits at the table next to Johnny Buackson. “This table should be bigger, I want to sit here all the time,”
“Jonathon, this is my wife, um,” Buackson says to Gold, then turns to the chick, “Sorry what was your name?”
“Champagne,”
“This is my wife, Champagne, ignore her stupid name,”
Gold and Champagne shake hands, “I’ve heard a lot about you, and don’t worry there are a lot of worse shippy hipster names out there,” says Gold.
Anyway since the referee is down Cactus Flanders starts beating on JBC with no remorse, he even press slams John Boy out of the ring onto the steel guardrail. Flanders starts laughing his ace off then he rolls outside and pulls a nail chair out from under the ring. He slams it hard on John Boy Corbett’s head over and over.
“Oh geez, this is violent,” says Champagne.
“No he wrestled earlier,” corrects Gold.
“He’s whaling on him with that chair, pretty hard, does that remind you of last night too Buack?” asks Champagne.
“I wasn’t just pretty hard,” says Buackson
“Yes, you guys have a very active six life we get it,” says Gold in a monotone.
“Is it the 18th again? Just put a tampoon in your Plessy it’ll stop the bleeding!” snaps back Buackson.
Flanders hoists JBC up and hits him with a piledriver on the outside. Then Cactus spits on him and hits him with another piledriver. Flanders picks up JBC and sets him on the announce table.
“No! Put him through the Spanish table!” shouts Buackson!
“Not on to John Boy Corbett! I find him attractive,” says Gold and Champagne at the same time as Flanders leaps off the top rope! SOMETHING ERUCTS THE SCENE FADES TO WHITE.
A picture of Frightmare and Jagged hugging appears on the screen with a message that says, “SSAW is experiencing technical difficulties, your SUPER SWAG AND EDGY PPV will return as soon as possible,” 43 seconds later the image disappears, however it is still dark.
“Am I on the air now? All right, okay, swag, cool, neat. I’m sorry about that Flanders hit John Boy Corbett with an Elbow Drop from the top rope on the announce table. IT WAS RIGGED WITH EXPLOSIVES! Everyone’s alright right as far as I can s-,”
“NO! WIZARD GOSH NO! CHAMPAGNE? CAN YOU HEAR ME CHAMPAGNE?”
The cameras start rolling again and we find Johnny Buackson huddled over his wife; she has blood all over her face.
“CAN YOU FLIPPING HEAR ME? GOLD CALL 911! DO SOMETHING YOU SACK OF SHIP!”
Buackson starts shaking her but there is no response or sign of life, The Healing Powers and other medics roll down the ramp with stretchers and they do their medical procedures! In all the commotion Cactus Flanders rolls John Boy Corbett into the ring, and grabs a referee that was tending to Champagne and tosses him in too. Flanders pins Corbett.
1!
2!
NO GOSH NO FLIPPING NO! JOHN BOY CORBETT KICKED OUT! Cactus Flanders, in a fit of rage grabs both the referee and JBC and hits them with a Double DDT! Johnny Buackson follows the doctors and paramedics up the ramp as they wheel his wife to the back. Jonathon Gold sets himself up at ringside.
“Well, um, explosives, an announcer’s wife being rushed away, this is edgy right?” asks Gold, however no on can really answer him. “Corbett found a way to kick out of that, right, that’s good,”
Flanders locks in the Cobra Clutch (Sleeper Hold), JBC starts to lose consciousness, and a third referee runs down to check the arm. HE BRINGS IT UP AND LETS GO. IT HITS THE MAT. HE BRINGS IT UP AND LETS GO. IT HITS THE MAT. HE BRINGS IT UP AND LETS GO. IT STOPS IN MIDAIR.
“John Boy is still in this!”
Corbett elbows his way out of the hold then hits Cactus Flanders with the Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam), he is about to pin Cactus…
I’M TURNING JAPANESE
I THINK I’M TURNING JAPANESE
I REALLY THINK SO
“The Master of Satriani” Master Satriani steps out onto the ramp and points at JBC, JBC points back at Master Satriani.
“Satriani is alive? I thought he got captured by the Yakuza!” asks Gold.
Flanders hits a low blow and immediately rolls up John Boy Corbett.
1!
2!
CORBETT KICKS OUT! Corbett hits The Corbett Report (ROLLING CLOSELINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD) and Flanders does a front flip and lands on his ace. JBC bounces off the ropes and hits a Rowdy Wizard (Shining Wizard) to get the three and the win to retain the championship.
“After being hit with every move in Cactus Flanders’ arsenal, including an elbow drop through an exploding table and interference from “The Master of Satriani”, Corbett proves that he is resilient, and able to do everything! Another great triumph for “Bear Skin”! Was that match 9/11? Because I’ll never forget it! That’s my EDGY new catchphrase!” says Gold, “Oh, this isn’t sportsmanlike,”
Master Satriani rolls into the ring and both Flanders and Satriani start beating the ship out of Corbett! Flanders picks up the SSAW Global Warrior Championship and hits JBC in the face really hard IN THE FACE. Then Satriani hits John Boy with a PILEDRIVER! Flanders picks up his signature weapon, the NAIL CHAIR! He is about to hit “Bear Skin” with it!
I’M A DIFFERENT COWBOY!
I LIKE RODEOS
I’M A DIFFERENT COWBOY!
SHOOTING GUNS IS ALLS I NOSE
I’M A DIFFERENT COWBOY!
HOWWWWWWWWWWWWW DY
HOWWWWWWWWWWWWW DY
YEHAW!
A guy who sort of looks like JBC runs down the ramp and scares away Satriani and Flanders! He lets out a big heehaw and helps JBC to his feet and hands Corbett a microphone.
“What am I suppose to do with a small phone?” asks Corbett. Then this stranger hands Corbett a microphone that makes people’s voice louder.
“Hey guys! I won! This is my friend Lawrence Alamo, he’s going to help me out if I get attacked, he’s a lot like me so you should like him,” says John Boy Corbett.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
OF A FAR-OFF PLACE
WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME
WILL BE WAITING FOR ME
WHERE THE CROWD WILL CHEER
WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE
AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING
THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE
WERP
EXCEPT NOW
I’M A HEEL
AND I’M TAKE
ING OVER
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
BEACHES
“Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly walks onto the ramp and points at John Boy Corbett. Mild Walsh walks out from the back and points at Lawrence Alamo, Lawrence Alamo points at O’Reilly and JBC points at Walsh. The titantron lights up and Jagged appears on screen and points at Kyle O’Reilly, Jonathon Gold stands up and points at Jagged, then the titantron does a split screen and Cactus Flanders is shown, he points at JBC.
The scene fades to black.
LATER THAT NIGHT IN A HOSPITAL
Champagne lies in a hospital bed; you can hear her heartbeat on the machine thing. Johnny Buackson is kneeling at her bedside and holding her hand. “Champagne, we can do this Champagne, hang in there!” says Buackson. BEEP….BEEP….BEEP…….. BEEP………….. BEEP, the beeps start getting further and further apart, Johnny kisses Champagne one last time, before the beeps stop.
EVEN LATER THAT NIGHT
Gold awakes in his sleep, his heart is pounding extremely fast and he clutches his chest. “Is this what schadenfreude feels like? It’s been years since I’ve felt like this. Is this 9/11? Because I’ll never forget!” breathes Gold as he hurries back to sleep.
2/15/24
Last night’s SSAW PPV event, Valentine’s Day Massacre 3 was pretty cool, there was too much pointing.
The exploding table part was, um, kind of weird but whatever.
TJP is still out from being hit by a car.
Chris Sabin finished up with his mime work and saws he’ll be with an old friend at In Your Train Station next month.
Jonathon Gold has been sued for his comment on the SSAW PPV last night he asked, “Was that match 9/11” apparently that is really offensive even though it’s been 22 years.
The anonymous President, Sara Del Rey, (yes she is a girl), has said that she wants Jonathon Gold to fight her and that one of her kids died at the expense of his “joke”. This gave a hint at the anonymous president’s identity, but this may be a red herring.
2/31/24
In Your Train Station: ATOCHA MASSACRE is just eleven days away! Oh man, and the card, oh ship, it is so awesome swag, 666, yolo, you wouldn’t believe it!
SSAW Global Warrior Championship! – 2-Time Backyard Warrior Champion IS A HEEL NOW!
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett © vs. “Never Forget” “Loveless” “Blockbuster” Kyle O’Reilly /w Mild Walsh
They are saying the show will be available in 574 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
GENE BARBECUE, you think you’re better than me? Flip you you’re not. IT’S ME AND MY BEST FRIEND AGAINST YOU. We’re gonna kick your flippin’ ace. Do you want to get shot? Well I’m not gonna do that but I’ll kick your ace hard as flip. Fo’sho.
TAKING THE PAST isn’t just a stable name it is a life style I ALWAYS TAKE. THE PAST. I ALWAYS TAKE THE PAST!
DOUBLE BED WARRIOR CHAMPIONS? You two are a couple of sisters and we’re in prison and you dropped the soap, um, we are in co-ed showers, uh then me and my buddy rope you two! Then you two will be our Valentines! RESPECT THE FUTURE! You will lose your titles tonight. Hold on tight to them while you still can. It is my destiny to win the belts from you two girl clown sister frags, ALL I NEED IS DESTINY.
WE ARE TAKING THE PAST!
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
I hope I’m Tri Bute’s best friend. I have all this pent up aggression I need to take out on something. HE’S MARRIED WHAT THE FLIP! HOW COME I WASN’T INVITED TO THE CEREMONY? HOW COME HE DIDN’T MARRY ME? I LOVE HIM!!!!!1 Excuse my moment of distress. I don’t really know what else to say.
Yeah,
Jonathon Gold
Diary Dearest,
Ever since I became a bad guy I’ve had this yearning for blood, I want to kill someone and draw pretty pictures with the blood. Then that silly Rock puts me up against the only other man who can hold candles to my legacy. I’ll beat the snot out of that little girl face horse butt monkey frag. Then I’ll become the number one contender again, win the title, and bring a new swagger to the SSAW Global Warrior Championship that only my epic heelness could provide. NOW I’M A HEEL.
AND I’M TAKING OVER!,
“Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Future Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” Kyle “Motherflipping” O’Reilly
Dear Diary,
Well cars hurt, but whatever I’ll be fine. I’m not going to be out for a year, I’ll probably fight tonight if I’m Tri Bute’s best friend. I am probably. Andy Ridge beat me. It was really cool the way he did it or whatever. If Exe Cution wasn’t a flippin’ idiot taking a nap I would still be champ, but 400 days isn’t that bad I guess. Past taking time I guess.
From,
“The Present Warrior” Vio Lent
Dear Diary,
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. I’m always telling myself it’s the time to let go. But moving on from him is…..
-JBC
Valentine’s Day Massacre 3
February 14th 2024
The Super Special Awesome Dome in Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe in 503 languages and American dialects!
“The Pirate Lord” Hijo Del Pirata Morgan d. “The Sith Killer” Zack Sabre Jr. after hitting a moonsault from heck in the dark match.
FIND LIGHT IN THE BEAUTIFUL SEA
I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY
YOU AND I
YOU AND I
WE’RE LIKE DIAMONDS IN THE SKY
“Woohoo!”
“We’re are kicking off tonight’s SUPER PPV EXTRAVAGANZA with tag team action! Violence! Wreckage! Murder! Kill! Death! Bear Skin! IT ALL GOES DOWN TONIGHT!” says Johnny Buackson!
“So, hold on tight! This next match is a dream! Remember those medics from last week? They are taking on a couple of High Flyers! The debuting Ryan Flanders and Holden Ross! They are friends with “Speedy” Marcus Speed and “Mysterious” Ern Mystery so this is pretty much a grudge match!” says Jonathon Gold.
“Oh man it’s so great to hear you say something other than what. That sexy voice of yours gives the ladies at home an organism every time!”
“Oh Johnny your such a flirt! Sorry about my intense shock. I really wasn’t expecting that stone chair shot. It was so edgy and pretty much summed up what this whole show is about. Sometimes stuff that happens is so edgy that it can even put your “Guides Into This Wonderful World of Edginess” in a state of panic. It had absolutely nothing to do with you saying you flipped your wife hard,” says Gold.
“It’s starting to give me an organism too, grievous crisp maybe we should put a muzzle on those soft, sweet, delicate lips,”
Anyway, The Healing Powers took on Lightning In The Jungle, in this case it is the team of Holden Ross and Ryan Flanders! It is a great high pace match! Doctor Pring hit a really hard spin kick to Ross once and it almost KO’d him. Instead of going for the pin, his doctor instincts kicked in and he checked his pulse. His heart was still beating so everything is okay. Pring then went for a pin remembering where he was!
1…
KICKOUT GRIEVOUS CRISP!
Ross tags in to his partner whom immediately hits Doctor Pring with the OKR (Neckbreaker) for the three to win the match! Holden Ross and Ryan Flanders celebrated their way to the back while Doctor Wood gave his partner CPR.
“BOYS I TELL YOU A LOT OF WISE THINGS,” says Papa Barbecue as we head backstage. He is wearing a military uniform and has an Indiana Jones whip on hand. “BUT NOW I’M GON TELL YOU SOME SHIP ME PAPA TELLED ME,” says Papa Barbecue. “When I was a boy he’d telled me, when you fight a person from the future and his best friend, you have to use all your brains and all you your guts to your advantage. That’s what you boys better goshdarn do or you’ll get my goshdarn whip. Franny, how’s your ace from losing to JBC?” asks Papa.
“It’s all sore,” pouts Francis Barbecue as he rubs his bottom.
“And yours from throwin’ up Ginny?” asks Papa making sure his boys have learned their lesson, first demeaning them with girls names since those are the lesser of the two sexes.
“Although the pain has passed physically, I don’t think I will never forget what that whippin’ felt like. It was all sore fo’sho,” says Gene Barbecue.
“Now, be good tonight. Be real amazing. MAKE YOUR DADDY PROUD OR YOU’LL HAVE A SORE ACE. I’m not afraid to whip you boys. In fact I get a kick out of it,” says Papa. “God didn’t give me daughters when I asked for sons did he? Now the match isn’t until a wee bit later, so don’t worry about it right now. Just no eating before the match or there will be trouble,” says Papa.
He cracks the whip onto the floor!
“That Papa Barbecue and his outdated parenting methods!” says Gold.
“What silly skylarking will The Natural Born Grillers get into next?” says Buack!
“That’s a cute question, they are a zany bunch of silly bills! But, we need to move on to something more serious. The eighth Star Wars film is happening tonight! It’s John Boy Corbett vs. Cactus Flanders for the SSAW Global Warrior Championship! IN OUR MAIN EVENT!” says Gold!
“That’s some hot ship! OH! I forgot to tell you my wife will be commentary with us for the main event, she’s a biker chick so she knows a lot about WCW and the old school not as edgy days of wrestling! You’d love her! Hey maybe if you get one we could swap fo- well actually I’m getting a little ahead of myself,” says Buack.
“Let’s ignore that last part for now, does she do analogies?” asks Gold.
Our next contest is a title match! Andy Ridge will defend his newly won SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship against Austin Creed! It was a match that was full of fun and it was the first match in awhile from Ridge that our PPV audience got to see since TLC 2, the ladder match where he won the title was interrupted by a flash forward of Exe Cution’s. They don’t call Andy Ridge “Mr. Yakuza Kick” for nothing! The match saw Ridge use the Yakuza Kick several times but Austin Creed was quite the crafty one and he was able to dodge it a few times!
Creed took the advantage when he hit Ridge with five bodyslams in succession then climbed to the top rope and went for a Leg-Clap Frogsplash, which he hit for a two count.
“Oh man that was a thing of beauty, Ballzy is such an innovator!”
“Well, does she?” asks Gold.
“Man, Austin Creed is to Leg-Clap Frogsplash as Andy Ridge is to Yakuza Kick, that’s for sure!” announces Buack!
Creed and Ridge trade knife-edge chops IT IS SO AWESOME! Ridge gets Creed into the corner and starts chopping the ship out of him! One of the commentators makes a racist joke that I don’t feel good about typing out. THEN RIDGE HITS THE ROLLING YAKUZA KICK!
“Gosh darn grievous crisp!” shouts Buackson!
“Why isn’t he going for the pin?” asks Gold!
“NO! NOT THIS RIDGE YOU ARE CRAY!” shouts Buack!
Ridge hits Creed with a ROLLING ELECTRIFYING PEOPLE’S GREAT ONE ELBOW!
ONE
TWO
THREE, it’s over Andy Ridge took Creed to his limit! Ridge got on the microphone after the match and said The Rock and him are friends so he lets him use his moves, he says he doesn’t want anyone to think that he was a dirty thief! He reminds us that he took a shower before the match so he is clean not dirty! Ridge reminds the kids at home to brush their teeth and eat their veggies!
“Man, that Andy Ridge is a gentleman and a scholar!” says Gold.
“Unlike these two, they are bad guys, let’s head backstage,” says Buackson.
“You have a big number one contender match next Ky-Ky! YOU READY? I’m a sports agent gosh darnit!” says Mild Walsh!
“Jagged is a punk butt, he’s been harshin’ on my groove, but I think it’s time for “The Emperor of Wrestling” to get a new groove. I’ll kick every inch of his body with almost every inch of mine, especially my feet!” says Kyle O’Reilly, is there any line this bad guy won’t cross?
“KYLE! Tonight we will show Jagged what being a bad guy is all about. You’ll kick him in the head as hard as possible, make sure to slap you thigh to make it sound cooler, and I’ll be prepared to aid you in any way. I have bags with different powders and I know how to throw a fireball and do that mist thing. Do you want a backrub?” asks Walsh.
“No, the last guy that got a backrub got hit by a car. I’ll just rub oil on myself and put on wrist tape. I’m a bad guy gosh darnit!” says Kyle O’Reilly!
“How about a hamjog?” asks Gold, as the scene fades away.
ONE MAN
MANY FRIENDS
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER FRIENDS
SUPER BROS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
“The King of The Cage” Jagged jumps out of the stage like Rey Mysterio did like when he was in WWE like towards the beginning-ish.
“Wow, that entrance was something I like and something that’s never been done ever!” says Buackson!
“I thought it was really cute!” says Gold.
Jagged rolls into the ring and all the fans cheer for him because he is so cool. The winner of this match will get a shot at the SSAW Global Warrior Championship next month at In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre, all the way in Spain, honoring the 21st anniversary of those awful Madrid train bombings, EDGY.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
OF A FAR-OFF PLACE
WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME
WILL BE WAITING FOR ME
WHERE THE CROWD WILL CHEER
WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE
AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING
THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE
WERP
EXCEPT NOW
I’M A HEEL
AND I’M TAKE
ING OVER
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
BEACHES!
“And speak of the dummies, here they are now!”
“Those sick perverts!” says Gold as he slams his hand on the desk, “I don’t like them!”
“Didn’t you want to give Ky-Ky a hamjog?” questions Buack!
“I forgot he was a bad guy!” says Gold
The match itself was nonconsensual and hard. Kyle O’Reilly literally kicked every inch of Jagged’s body, he even checked with a tape measure. Then Mild Walsh distracted the referee so Kyle could kick Jagged in the dock. Kyle then signaled for the Guillotine! Kyle starts choking out Jagged with his best finisher!
“Uh oh! This move makes people cough blood! Usually he saves it for special occasions!”
“This is a special occasion,” says Gold!
Jagged starts coughing blood causing the referee to ring the bell and stop the match.
“Your winner and new #1 Contender via referee stoppage, “Loveless” “Blockbuster” “The Emperor of Wrestling” “Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly!” announces ring announcer Troy Stone!
Kyle flashes Jagged an in a bad way, then rolled out of the ring, and walked over to the announce booth.
“I’m ready for my hamjog,” says Kyle to Jonathon Gold. Gold refuses, but Kyle takes a piece of ham out of his tights and tells Jonathon, “If you don’t make it jog, I’ll beat the crop out of you,”
“HEY, beach boy, back off, the only guy here that’ll get a hamjog from Goldo, is me so back the flip off or I’ll teach you both how to Dougie (in the future that is a way to get beat up not a dance)!
Intimidated, Ky-Ky backs off, Mild Walsh reassures Jonathon Gold that, “Kyle will be back for his hamjog when your boyfriend isn’t around to protect you, you owe it to him you slot bag,” Mild Walsh always threatens people.
MEANWHILE IN AN ABONDONED SHACK,
“Hey, Satriani? Do you want out of here?” asks a voice.
“Well, yes, duh, I do! You only let me drink cream soda. CREAM SODA SUCKS! I’m going crazy, AM I GOING TO DIE IN HERE? It’s been like 2 and a half months, I’d like to continue wrestling,” says Satriani, still tied to the chair which is bolted down.
“Okay, I’ll let you out but you have to promise me something.”
“What?”
“You have to join my bowling team, were short a guy, oh and you have to back me up tonight in my match, you know help me win and stuff,”
“Who are you facing?”
“John Boy Corbett,”
“I thought you said you were friends?”
We are, but like how bad guys call good guys their friends, then the good guy is all like HEY WE AIN’T FRIENDS YOU KILLED MY GRANDFATHER, and then the bad guy is like yeah but I like you wanna team up?” says the voice.
“So you want to team up with JBC?”
“No, I want you to team up with me, pay attention shiphead,”
“That’s the first time you cussed at me! Do you really have to use that language? Are you a sailor?” asks Master Satriani.
“No, I’m EDGY! NOW ARE YOU GONNA TEAM UP WITH ME? OR DO YOU WANT TROUBLE?” asks the voice.
“Yes, I’ll team with you until you don’t want to anymore, but on one condition, you must tell me your name!” demands Master Satriani.
“Well, yeah, I was going to tell you who I was anyway, it would far too difficult to team with someone who isn’t your best friend. My name is Cactus Flanders. I’m a former SSAW Global Warrior Champion and my signature weapon is a steel chair with a nail on it. Since we’re best friends now I’ll have to come clean about something. Remember when you shipped blood like a month and a half ago? I used it to write a threatening message,” says Cactus Flanders as he turns on the lights to reveal himself.
Satriani looks around and realizes he is in a six dungeon. With whips and the like. Flanders unties him and leads him out of his basement.
“It’s totally okay, I’m just glad my ship wasn’t wasted,” says Satriani as we head back to the show.
Exe Cution (David Hart Smith), Tri Bute, and Vio Lent (Tyler Black) are all hanging out backstage.
“Has Tri Bute told us who his best friend is yet? He better hurry up his tag title match is next, oh and thanks for standing up for me back there,” asks Gold.
“No he hasn’t I think that will be established in this segment of the program, oh and don’t mention it, or the rest of that conversation to my wife, she’s the only one that can give me a hamjog,” says Buackson, informational-like.
“So, let’s get the elephant out of the room, Tri Bute, who is your best friend?” asks Exe Cution, “Please say me I really hope it’s me!”
“No it’s Vio Lent, I like him more, so he’ll team with me next and we’ll TAKE THE PAST!” announces Tri Bute! Butey and Lent walk out towards the stage, but Vio looks back and sees that Exe Cution is distraught. Vio Lent turns around and consoles him.
“Hey, buddy, don’t cry!”
“Too late!” Exe Cution starts bawling his eyes out.
“Exe! Don’t do this! Don’t cry, you can be my best friend. I like you more than Tri Bute,” says Vio Lent.
“It’s not that, but thanks, it’s that vision I had last month at Eternal Suffering 2,”
“Oh right, WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO BE HELPING ME WIN! I forgot all about that, NO, you aren’t my best friend, you made me lose. Come get me when you’re ready to apologize. Flip you dude,” says Lent as he leaves his friend crying backstage.
IT’S A HUMAN SIGN
WHEN THINGS GO WRONG
WHEN THE SCENT OF HER LINGERS
AND THE TEMPTATION’S STRONG
WERP
LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
NO ONE CONDEMING YOU
LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS YOU
LED TO THE WATER
WERP
THIS APEARED AS A MORAL DILEMMA
CAUSE AT FIRST IT WAS WEIRD THAT I SWORE TO ELIMINATE
THE WORST OF THE PLAGUE THAT DEVOURED HUMANITY
IT’S TRUE I WAS VAGUE ON THE HOW SO HOW CAN IT BE THAT
YOU WITH YOUR WORDS LIKE KNIVES
AND SWORDS AND WEAPONS THAT YOU USE AGAINST ME
JUST KIDDING WE DON’T LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT WE ARE TAKING THE PAST
Two caskets start lowering from the ceiling; they are decorated with purple skulls and chicken blood. They also have spikes on them. The caskets land and they open up and the two badbutt mo’suckras pop out!
“Hey guys, my best friend and I are here to kick some aces, and we’ll do it hardcore, isn’t that right Butey?”
“You betcha, STEP ONE to TAKING THE PAST is TAKING THE GOLD, Vio may have dropped the featherweight belt last month, but that belt is stupid anyway, you held it for like 400 days, tell them how stupid it was Vio!” commands Tri Bute.
“It’s very stupid!”
“Good boy! ANYWAY GRILLERS? YOU SUCK. Prepare your buns fo-,”
“Something stiff and something hard!” finishes Vio Lent.
“No, for a good ax kickin’,” corrects Tri Bute. “We’re trying to look tough not gee,”
“You think your tough, right Ginny? Let me tell you something about barbecuing, it’s déclassé it’s out, far-out. Only lame duck people barbecue nowadays. They have nothing better to do, they live in lakes. DO THE GRILLERS LIVE IN LAKES? Get with the times guys,” rants Vio Lent.
“Even I’m with the times and I’m from THE FUTURE!”
“Okay, time to talk ship about their favorite musical acts, do your thing Butey,” says Vio Lent.
“LIVEN IN MY OWN WORLD
DIDN’T UNDERSTAND
THAT ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN
WHEN YOU TAKE A CHANCE,” sings Tri Bute.
“I NEVER BELIEVED IN
WHAT I COULDN’T SEE
I NEVER OPENED MY EYES
TO ALL THE POSSIBILITIES” sings Vio Lent.
“How’d you like that one? I used knowledge that I gathered from the future to learn that earlier today The Natural Born Grillers re-watched High School Musical. Gross. Did you know Glee was based on that garbage?” asks Tri Bute.
“I abhor that garbage. Quirky shows just tend to pee me off, I’ll watch the ship out of a Disney episode though; do they ever do that Tri Bute?”
Tri Bute presses a finger to his head.
“Using my expansive knowledge of the future, hold on, it could take a moment, NOPE THEY WON’T MAKE A DISNEY EPISODE, trash!” spoils Tri Bute.
“Anyway back to High School Musical, it sucks bu-,”
WE LIKE STEAK
WE LIKE SAUCE
GOOD GOSH THIS BAR-BE-QUE IS HASS
BEER IS GOOD
STEAK IS GOOD
OH SHIP THERE MIGHT BE FLOOD
T-SWIZZ IS ROCKIN’ TONIGHT
D-PART IS ROCKIN’ TONIGHT
ZEFRON IS ROCKIN’ TONIGHT
V-HUDGE IS ROCKIN’ TONIGHT
“Flippin’ finally, I was getting bored of them berating my favorite artists and musicals,” says Gold.
“I hope they don’t throw up!”
The Natural Born Grillers run down to the ring, and the hard-hitting match begins. All the wrestlers hit each with wrestling moves, but then Tri Bute and Vio Lent start using their future techniques to control the match and isolate Ginny, Vio Lent hits Gene with a ROLLING CLOSELINE FROM HECK!
ONE!
HE KICKED OUT AT ONE!
“Grievous Crisp! How in Sam Heck did he kick out of that ROLLING CLOSELINE?” asks Buackson.
“Do you think they will ever let Franny into the match? It isn’t fair to keep not letting him tag in! I hate when the bad guys use strategy and focus on one guy!” rants Gold.
“That’s cute,”
Vio gets really mad so he punches Ginny in the face, it hits hard! THEN TRI BUTE TAGS IN! Tri Bute hits Gene Barbecue with Royal Tri Bute (Attitude Adjustment Onto The Top Rope) sending hit out of the ring! I don’t remember if it’s a 10 or 20 count but that goes down! Gene gets in at either 9 or 19! It’s intense! If it had been a 10 or 20 count the Natural Born Grillers would have retained the belts! Would have been so bad for them! Tri Bute immediately pins Gene but he kicks out at one and hops to his feet! Gene hits Tri Bute with a Bodyslam and hot tags out to Franny!
“Franny is in! Ship is about to get real!”
“Mother flipping business is about to mother flipping pick the flip up, gosh darn!”
“Is that really necessary?”
“I had to make it more EDGY somehow!” shouts Buackson!
Franny hits Vio Lent and Tri Bute with a ton of bodyslams and crossbodies, at one point he even hits a really hard kick to one and a big boot to the other. Franny pulls Tri Bute onto his shoulders, and runs towards Gene who has his knees up, but before he can hit the steamroller Tri Bute slips out the back and rolls Franny up while tugging the tights, but the referee catches him in the act. Butey is so mad! Gene runs at him and hits him with the Steakbreaker (Codebreaker (Jumping Double Knee Facebuster)), it doesn’t take Tri Bute all the way down though so Franny hits him with a Saucebreaker (Backstabber (Jumping Double Knee Backbreaker), they both climb up on Tri Bute to pin him but Lent breaks it at 2.
“Our SSAW Megastars are always so impressive,”
“They are better than Superstars because they are edgier!”
Vio Lent elbows both Grillers in the stomach and hit a Double Spear to both of them. Then Lent pulls out the feather and hits Gene with Tickle Torture! The referee asks Gene if he wants to tap out! The crowd is chanting no! They don’t want the bad guys to take the past! Franny Barbecue comes out of nowhere and hits him with a ROARING DDT! Franny puts Lent onto his shoulders while Gene puts his knees up! Franny hits a steamroller onto Gene’s knees!
“MORE SAUCE FOR YOUR STEAK! THE NATURAL BORN GRILLERS ARE PAR-,”
“PARTYING TONIGHT!”, finishes Gold, “Man, finishing each other’s sentences it’s like we were meant to commentate together, Buack!”
Franny pins Vio Lent to get the win! More Sauce For Your Steak has never been kicked out of! Tri Bute rolls into the ring and tries to put masking tape on one of the Grillers. But he is distracted when someone’s theme music starts playing.
I’M DAVID HART SMITH
I GO BY EXE CUTION NOW
I’M DAVID HART SMITH
I JUST GO BY EXE CUTION NOW
CANADA
YEAH
CANADA
YEAH
I’M FROM CANADA
YEAH
“NO!” shouts Exe Cution from the ramp! Tri Bute flinches and drops his tape allowing the Grillers to go off with the titles they retained. Tri Bute grabs a microphone.
“What the flip dude? Did I tell you to interrupt me?” asks Tri Bute as he brings his fingers to his temple and starts squeezing his head. Cution cries out in pain as he clutches the tape on his head. “Interrupting the recruitment process is counter productive Exe, will I have to ground you?” asks Tri Bute.
“No,” breathes Cution as he pants on all fours from the ramp.
“Looks like your in the perfect position for your punishment,” says Butey as he rolls out of the ring and pulls out a sledgehammer. “Lenty, shove the back end of this through his ace,” commands Butey. Without a second thought Vio Lent takes the hammer and walks up the ramp and gets behind him. Lent takes the hammer’s back end and shoves it right into Cution’s ace, Exe moans out in pain and pleasure, after a half-minute Lent withdraws the back end of the hammer. Exe Cution reaches down and finds his favorite playing card with a whole in the center. It is completely unusable now.
“My Darren Criss Ace of Hearts!” shouts Cution.
“If even you think of getting in the way like that again I’ll take a lot more than just a playing card away from you,” threatens Butey, “Am I understood? DO YOU HEAR THE WORDS I SAY EXE?”
“Yes, I can hear your words, master,”
“Flip ups like this are exactly why Vio Lent is my best friend and you aren’t!” shouts Butey.
“Geez. Tri Bute is pretty mad,”
“Do you know how rare those Glee playing cards are?” asks Gold.
“If only it was a Lea Michelle one, then it’d bounce off her nose, laugh out loud,” says Buackson.
Tri Bute and Vio Lent leave Exe on the stage and head to the back.
MURDER
KILL
DEATH
TIME IS THE FIRE IN WHICH WE BURN
THE BITTER ASH AND DUST OF HATE CHOKE WHAT REMAINS
SO DON’T BREATHE A MOTE ABOUT FATE OR FAITH
CAUSE THOSE WORDS AND THEIR TOLL LEAVE SO MANY SO COLD
AND THE STORY’S SO OLD YET IT NEVER GETS TOLD
BUT IT’S WRITTEN IN THE SCARS ON THE WRISTS OF THE LOST
IN THE COLD OF LIFE
YEAH
MY MOTHER GOT ROPED AT NINE YEARS OLD
Cactus Flanders steps out of the back with a nail chair in hand. Exe Cution is still wallowing on the ramp, so Cactus Flanders is overcome with rage and hits him with the nail chair. Then Cactus picks him up and hits a Powerbomb onto the nail chair.
“OMGosh! Flanders just hit tossed him, I think he actually hit the nail part when he landed!” says Gold.
Cactus Flanders picks up Exe Cution and hits him with a Tombstone Piledriver onto the nail chair.
“That Nail Chair Mo’suckra channeling the Takerunder there! He’s a wrestling legend!”
“I thought his name was Belowselfish or like Gravedigger?” asks Gold.
“I misspoke it was the Overtaker!”
“No, no it’s the Overgiver, I looked it up!”
“Stupid name for a stupid wrestler, the Attitude Era wasn’t even cool, I’m so glad we live in the EDGY ERA!” shouts Buackson.
Flanders stops the beatdown on Exe Cution and goes to the ring. Flanders gets really mad and starts hitting the turnbuckles with the nail chair, totally ruining them.
“It seems like Flanders is getting impatient, he must really want JBC to get his butt out here,”
“I don’t know about you Buack, but I want JBC to walk away from me,”
“Speaking of nice aces, my wife should be joining us shortly, she knows all about WCW, the Overgiver and his streak at WrestleClash, it is famous because he actually got his wiener out before the security got him,”
“Oh really? I got to see that one,” says Gold with a smile on his face.
I AM A COWBOY
I LOVE RODEOS
I AM A COWBOY
I MILK COWS
I AM A COWBOY
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW
I AM A COW
BOY
COW
BOY
John Boy Corbett enters and helps Exe Cution to his feet; he checks his pulse to make sure he is still alive. Exe Cution tries to grab JBC’s hand, presumably to kiss it again but JBC pulls it away. Rejected, Cution heads to the back. John Boy turns to look at the ring but once his eyes hover over the challenger all the emotions return to him and he immediately collapses on the ramp. Some champion. More like chumpion am I right? Get it?
“Why is he so afraid to face Cactus Flanders? Hasn’t he beaten him in the past?” asks Gold.
“Oh Gold, it’s not as simple as that. Flanders matches off with Corbett in every way. It is almost as if Flanders is actually Ditto who takes the form Corbett when he wrestles. Except then he turns into a more stygian, homicidal, deadly, scarier version that isn’t afraid to bend the rules. A guy who feels like if their opponent dies in the ring he was just doing his job,”
“Yeah, you didn’t really answer my question,”
“Shut up,”
JBC slowly returns to his feet after giving himself a pep talk and rolls into the ring. Flanders had grown extremely impatient during this time and he ripped off the top rope. Flanders starts slamming his nail chair on the mat repeatedly as the bell tolls. The referee tries to confiscate his chair since this is a normal match, but Flanders threatens to hit him with it so he backs off. Flanders tries to hit JBC, but he dodges it and Flanders floors the referee instead.
“Um, a minute in and we already got a ref bump?”
“Yeah, now the match can be more edgy without rules getting in the way!” says Buackson, “Oh look it’s my lady!”
“Howdy,” says a feminine voice as she sits at the table next to Johnny Buackson. “This table should be bigger, I want to sit here all the time,”
“Jonathon, this is my wife, um,” Buackson says to Gold, then turns to the chick, “Sorry what was your name?”
“Champagne,”
“This is my wife, Champagne, ignore her stupid name,”
Gold and Champagne shake hands, “I’ve heard a lot about you, and don’t worry there are a lot of worse shippy hipster names out there,” says Gold.
Anyway since the referee is down Cactus Flanders starts beating on JBC with no remorse, he even press slams John Boy out of the ring onto the steel guardrail. Flanders starts laughing his ace off then he rolls outside and pulls a nail chair out from under the ring. He slams it hard on John Boy Corbett’s head over and over.
“Oh geez, this is violent,” says Champagne.
“No he wrestled earlier,” corrects Gold.
“He’s whaling on him with that chair, pretty hard, does that remind you of last night too Buack?” asks Champagne.
“I wasn’t just pretty hard,” says Buackson
“Yes, you guys have a very active six life we get it,” says Gold in a monotone.
“Is it the 18th again? Just put a tampoon in your Plessy it’ll stop the bleeding!” snaps back Buackson.
Flanders hoists JBC up and hits him with a piledriver on the outside. Then Cactus spits on him and hits him with another piledriver. Flanders picks up JBC and sets him on the announce table.
“No! Put him through the Spanish table!” shouts Buackson!
“Not on to John Boy Corbett! I find him attractive,” says Gold and Champagne at the same time as Flanders leaps off the top rope! SOMETHING ERUCTS THE SCENE FADES TO WHITE.
A picture of Frightmare and Jagged hugging appears on the screen with a message that says, “SSAW is experiencing technical difficulties, your SUPER SWAG AND EDGY PPV will return as soon as possible,” 43 seconds later the image disappears, however it is still dark.
“Am I on the air now? All right, okay, swag, cool, neat. I’m sorry about that Flanders hit John Boy Corbett with an Elbow Drop from the top rope on the announce table. IT WAS RIGGED WITH EXPLOSIVES! Everyone’s alright right as far as I can s-,”
“NO! WIZARD GOSH NO! CHAMPAGNE? CAN YOU HEAR ME CHAMPAGNE?”
The cameras start rolling again and we find Johnny Buackson huddled over his wife; she has blood all over her face.
“CAN YOU FLIPPING HEAR ME? GOLD CALL 911! DO SOMETHING YOU SACK OF SHIP!”
Buackson starts shaking her but there is no response or sign of life, The Healing Powers and other medics roll down the ramp with stretchers and they do their medical procedures! In all the commotion Cactus Flanders rolls John Boy Corbett into the ring, and grabs a referee that was tending to Champagne and tosses him in too. Flanders pins Corbett.
1!
2!
NO GOSH NO FLIPPING NO! JOHN BOY CORBETT KICKED OUT! Cactus Flanders, in a fit of rage grabs both the referee and JBC and hits them with a Double DDT! Johnny Buackson follows the doctors and paramedics up the ramp as they wheel his wife to the back. Jonathon Gold sets himself up at ringside.
“Well, um, explosives, an announcer’s wife being rushed away, this is edgy right?” asks Gold, however no on can really answer him. “Corbett found a way to kick out of that, right, that’s good,”
Flanders locks in the Cobra Clutch (Sleeper Hold), JBC starts to lose consciousness, and a third referee runs down to check the arm. HE BRINGS IT UP AND LETS GO. IT HITS THE MAT. HE BRINGS IT UP AND LETS GO. IT HITS THE MAT. HE BRINGS IT UP AND LETS GO. IT STOPS IN MIDAIR.
“John Boy is still in this!”
Corbett elbows his way out of the hold then hits Cactus Flanders with the Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam), he is about to pin Cactus…
I’M TURNING JAPANESE
I THINK I’M TURNING JAPANESE
I REALLY THINK SO
“The Master of Satriani” Master Satriani steps out onto the ramp and points at JBC, JBC points back at Master Satriani.
“Satriani is alive? I thought he got captured by the Yakuza!” asks Gold.
Flanders hits a low blow and immediately rolls up John Boy Corbett.
1!
2!
CORBETT KICKS OUT! Corbett hits The Corbett Report (ROLLING CLOSELINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD) and Flanders does a front flip and lands on his ace. JBC bounces off the ropes and hits a Rowdy Wizard (Shining Wizard) to get the three and the win to retain the championship.
“After being hit with every move in Cactus Flanders’ arsenal, including an elbow drop through an exploding table and interference from “The Master of Satriani”, Corbett proves that he is resilient, and able to do everything! Another great triumph for “Bear Skin”! Was that match 9/11? Because I’ll never forget it! That’s my EDGY new catchphrase!” says Gold, “Oh, this isn’t sportsmanlike,”
Master Satriani rolls into the ring and both Flanders and Satriani start beating the ship out of Corbett! Flanders picks up the SSAW Global Warrior Championship and hits JBC in the face really hard IN THE FACE. Then Satriani hits John Boy with a PILEDRIVER! Flanders picks up his signature weapon, the NAIL CHAIR! He is about to hit “Bear Skin” with it!
I’M A DIFFERENT COWBOY!
I LIKE RODEOS
I’M A DIFFERENT COWBOY!
SHOOTING GUNS IS ALLS I NOSE
I’M A DIFFERENT COWBOY!
HOWWWWWWWWWWWWW DY
HOWWWWWWWWWWWWW DY
YEHAW!
A guy who sort of looks like JBC runs down the ramp and scares away Satriani and Flanders! He lets out a big heehaw and helps JBC to his feet and hands Corbett a microphone.
“What am I suppose to do with a small phone?” asks Corbett. Then this stranger hands Corbett a microphone that makes people’s voice louder.
“Hey guys! I won! This is my friend Lawrence Alamo, he’s going to help me out if I get attacked, he’s a lot like me so you should like him,” says John Boy Corbett.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
OF A FAR-OFF PLACE
WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME
WILL BE WAITING FOR ME
WHERE THE CROWD WILL CHEER
WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE
AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING
THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE
WERP
EXCEPT NOW
I’M A HEEL
AND I’M TAKE
ING OVER
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
BEACHES
“Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly walks onto the ramp and points at John Boy Corbett. Mild Walsh walks out from the back and points at Lawrence Alamo, Lawrence Alamo points at O’Reilly and JBC points at Walsh. The titantron lights up and Jagged appears on screen and points at Kyle O’Reilly, Jonathon Gold stands up and points at Jagged, then the titantron does a split screen and Cactus Flanders is shown, he points at JBC.
The scene fades to black.
LATER THAT NIGHT IN A HOSPITAL
Champagne lies in a hospital bed; you can hear her heartbeat on the machine thing. Johnny Buackson is kneeling at her bedside and holding her hand. “Champagne, we can do this Champagne, hang in there!” says Buackson. BEEP….BEEP….BEEP…….. BEEP………….. BEEP, the beeps start getting further and further apart, Johnny kisses Champagne one last time, before the beeps stop.
EVEN LATER THAT NIGHT
Gold awakes in his sleep, his heart is pounding extremely fast and he clutches his chest. “Is this what schadenfreude feels like? It’s been years since I’ve felt like this. Is this 9/11? Because I’ll never forget!” breathes Gold as he hurries back to sleep.
2/15/24
Last night’s SSAW PPV event, Valentine’s Day Massacre 3 was pretty cool, there was too much pointing.
The exploding table part was, um, kind of weird but whatever.
TJP is still out from being hit by a car.
Chris Sabin finished up with his mime work and saws he’ll be with an old friend at In Your Train Station next month.
Jonathon Gold has been sued for his comment on the SSAW PPV last night he asked, “Was that match 9/11” apparently that is really offensive even though it’s been 22 years.
The anonymous President, Sara Del Rey, (yes she is a girl), has said that she wants Jonathon Gold to fight her and that one of her kids died at the expense of his “joke”. This gave a hint at the anonymous president’s identity, but this may be a red herring.
2/31/24
In Your Train Station: ATOCHA MASSACRE is just eleven days away! Oh man, and the card, oh ship, it is so awesome swag, 666, yolo, you wouldn’t believe it!
SSAW Global Warrior Championship! – 2-Time Backyard Warrior Champion IS A HEEL NOW!
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett © vs. “Never Forget” “Loveless” “Blockbuster” Kyle O’Reilly /w Mild Walsh
They are saying the show will be available in 574 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
"Dead Wife"/"More Tri For Your Bute"
3 Years Ago!
Johnny Buckson walks into a bar. He is wearing a polo shirt. He sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a ham and cheese sandwich. The bartender brings him back his ham and cheese sandwich, and Buckson thanks him. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. Then he swallows all that at once. He is great at swallowing.
I SAID EXCUSE ME YOU’RE A HECK OF A GUY
I MEAN MY MY MY MY YOU’RE LIKE PELICAN FLY
I MEAN YOU’RE SO SHY AND I’M LOVING YOUR TIE
YOU’RE LIKE SLICKER THAN THAT GUY WITH THE THING ON HIS EYE
A woman walks into the bar and takes a seat next to Buckson. “Hey shiphead,” she says to the bartender, “Get me some coke,” she demands. The bartender complies and sets her up with the works. She snorts it off the counter. Once the coke has entered he nasal passages and all that ship she turns and takes a good look at Johnny Buckson.
“You’re that frag from SSAW right?” says the woman. “Eat ship and die,”
She begins to walk away, but at that moment Buckson starts clutching at his throat and choking, obviously he overestimated his swallowing ability. The woman sees Buckson choking and chuckles a bit before continuing out of the bar.
Buckson huddled over the bar and slowly faded out. Suddenly, he feels a tight embrace around his stomach. He is given the Heimlich maneuver allowing the food to escape his throat, since it is dislodged.
“Thank you, Good Samaritan!” says Buckson, relieved that he won’t die today.
“Oh, don’t mention it Buck,” said Jonathon Gold back.
“Oh Goldo! You finally made it! Yeah sorry, I actually got to split, there was this really hot chick and I was going to put the moves on her but I started choking and she left. Maybe we can hang out some other time?” asks Buck.
“Definitely, go chase your girl, Buck.”
Buckson ran off after the woman who just left him to die and left his friend alone at the bar.
“One appletini please,” requested Gold.
“Make it two!” says a guy with a beard.
“Has anyone ever told you, you look like Terry Funk?” asks Gold to the bearded guy with a puzzled expression.
“I am Terry Funk,”
And just like that his whole world shattered around him, he didn’t know what to think and didn’t know what to do. He was standing next to Terry Funk. That guy who faced Ric Flair. IN A MATCH. He also faced Mick Foley. They got to talking and found that they had a shared love for Karaoke.
“Okay, Terry, I’ve grasped that you are very wise from talking with you. Do you mind if I ask you for advice?” questioned Gold.
“Shoot,”
“I really like this guy, but he doesn’t ever notice me, I invite him to hang out and he shows up, but then he is always asking me stuff like do you think those chicks are hot? Mind if I go? A really hot chick left the bar so I’m going to follow her and find out where she lives! How do I make him notice me and how attractive I am?” asks Gold.
“Well that’s easy, what you need to do is find out everything about every person he knows, then track them down and see if they are a better fit for him than you. If they are kill them, if they aren’t let natural selection take it’s course. Eventually he will stop docking around and he’ll see how charming you are, it’ll be just like Cinderella,” advises Funk.
“I don’t know how I feel about the whole killing people thing, it seems kind of extreme,”
“If you are too much of a Plessy to kill someone you are too much of a Plessy for love, remember that it is wise,” says Funk as he pays for the drinks. “It’s getting late, hey, there is no reason for both of us to go home alone tonight. Want to hit my place?” asks Funk.
“That’s all right I kind of want to do some thinking tonight, you’re advice is really helpful I just don’t know if I can do that morally,” says Gold.
“How about one last drink then, I’ll go to the other side of the bar and order it then bring it back here,” says Funk.
The scene fades to black.
Dear Diary,
I didn’t mean to kill her. But Terry was right it was the only way. I still don’t remember why I woke up in a ditch the next morning though; my ace was kind of sore too. Buckson, I know someday you’ll be mine, which is why I decided to save myself for you that one night in the bar, where I met Terry Funk.
So Yeah,
Jonathon Gold
Dear Diary,
Flipping Exe Cution, for a mind slave he can be a real pain in the axe. I love watching him squirm like a fat pig. I’m so glad I have good competent mind slaves like Vio Lent to keep me company whenever Cution goes to lunch and starts trying to flip up my plans.
Anyway, The Natural Born Grillers are a couple of sisters, Vio Lent and I our convicted ropists, actually I think I did this one already. Whatever they suck.
However, this is completely unrelated. You know that guy Andy Ridge? Well tonight I have a shot at the featherweight belt and I promise that I will kick his gee little butt, and maybe I’ll get him with the tape and make him desire to TAKE THE PAST.
TAKING THE PAST REIGNS SUPREME!
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
Last month I proved that anything is possible, and now tonight I get to prove that I deserve to be named one of the greatest SSAW Megastars of all time. Everything before now was just rocks on my yellow brick road. Heck in a Cell? Rock! Tri Bute six times? Rock! Shane Matthews? Rock! Flanders again? ROCK! I kick rocks off the path, but I think I just came to the end of the path.
Kyle O’Reilly, who is a bad guy, now, is where my path ends. If I win I solidify myself as the greatest. If I lose I walk away with nothing.
YEHAW,
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett
Diary Dearest,
Last time I addressed you this way it was going to be a one-time thing but I’ve decided to do it every time from now on! I think it sounds cool.
Back in heel-land, where everyone is a bad guy, I am a hero. I’m the president of HEEL-LAND and I’m the best at wrestling. I AM THE EMPEROR OF WRESTLING. Bow down to me beaches. I am finally taking what’s mine. Jagged is a sissy, want to know why? He’s annoying, he should just go away and die or something.
Remember what I said before? About my urge to kill? It’s growing! I can feel the urges inside of me soon they’ll be uncontrollable. I AM A MAN OF VENGEANCE! NOW I’M A HEEL. TONIGHT I WILL BE A CHAMPION AGAIN. NOW I’M A HEEL.
AND I’M TAKING OVER!,
“Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Future Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” “Indescribably Indescribable” Kyle “Motherflipping” O’Reilly
Dear Diary,
And that my friend was Champagne’s last glass.
Murder, Kill, Death,
Cactus Flanders
In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre
March 11th 2024
The Spanish Super Special Awesome Dome in Madrid, Spain and broadcasted across the globe in 574 languages and American dialects!
“The Amazing” Amazing Halo and “Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac went to a 15 inure time limit draw in the dark match.
“Hello and welcome to our exciting event, will it prove to be as killer as last months Buack?” asks Gold.
“Flip you,” answers Buackson. “Seriously not cool,”
“Um, edgy”
“I guess I can’t argue with that,” says Buack.
ONE MAN
MANY FRIENDS
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER FRIENDS
SUPER BROS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
“The following contest is a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH for the SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship! Entering first, challenger number one, weighting in at a slim 236lbs “The King of The Cage” Jagged!”
Jagged rolls into the ring and waits for his opponents to enter. After a period of time, they enter. The triple threat begins after “No Gimmick Needed” Shane Matthews, the other challenger, and “The Frightning Halloween Flyer” Frightmare, the reigning champion, and of course one of the most legendary wrestlers ever, like Articuno levels of legendary, Jagged take their corners. As soon as the match begins Shane Matthews hits a double low blow to both of his opponents! This match in no DQ since it’s a triple threat! Matthews attempted to pin both at the same time but Jagged kicked out at one and Frightmare kicked out at 2. Shane Matthews picks them up for a Double DDT but they reverse it into a Double Northern Lights Suplex for a near fall.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
OF A FAR-OFF PLACE
WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME
WILL BE WAITING FOR ME
WHERE THE CROWD WILL CHEER
WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE
AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING
THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE
WERP
EXCEPT NOW
I’M A HEEL
AND I’M TAKE
ING OVER
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
BEACHES
Kyle O’Reilly steps onto the ramp, interrupts the match, and points at Jagged. Jagged points back at Kyle while Frightmare and Shane Matthews keep brawling. Kyle stops pointing and begins to walk towards the ring and Jagged walks out and meets him on the ramp. They start punching the crop out of each other!
“What a sick pervert!”
“Someone get Kyle O’Reilly out of here, THIS ISN’T HIS FIGHT!” shouts Johnny Buackson. “It wasn’t her fight,” mumbles Buackson to himself.
“ROLLING CLOSELINE!” shouts Gold, “That move was killer!”
Buackson puts his head in his arms and starts crying.
“I mean good! That move was not lethal, just good!” corrects Gold.
In the ring, Matthews hits the Dario Effect #3 (RKO (Ace Crusher)) to Frightmare, but he kicks out at two! Shane Matthews gets really pee’d off so he picks up Frightmare and hits him with Dario Effect #7 (Rock Bottom).
“He beat The Rock with this move!” shouts Gold!
1…
2…
FRIGHTMARE KICKS OUT! Matthews slaps on a Camel Clutch, while on the ramp O’Reilly and Jagged are brawling. O’Reilly slams Jagged’s face into the guardrail like 5 or 6 times then lifts Jagged onto his shoulders and walks with him onto the stage! Mild Walsh is there and he has already set up four tables. O’Reilly throws Jagged off the stage through the tables and he looks like he is dead and stuff.
“Woah that was the coolest thing ever! Maybe I will give him a hamjog, are you watching this Buack?” asks Gold.
Shane Matthews goes for another Dario Effect #7 on Frightmare but he gets pushed away and hit with a ROLLING SUPERKICK for 3. Frightmare is still SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion. IT DOESN’T MATTER O’REILLY HAS A MICROPHONE.
“And that was Jagged’s last match,” says O’Reilly. “He was a non-factor, unimportant, and looked like a chump. Biggest legendstar in SSAW my ax. THAT’S ME! Kyle O’Reilly. “The Emperor of WRESTLING!” “Never FORGET” KYLE O’REILLY! My name is KYLE O’REILLY!”
“I guess we’ll get to see more of Ky-Ky later tonight when he takes on John Boy Corbett for the SSAW Global Warrior Title. For now we’ll go backstage!” says Gold.
“So, O’Reilly is trying to upstage us?” asks Exe Cution (David Hart Smith).
“Exactly, Cactus Flanders too,” says “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute.
“They aren’t better bad guys than us. Right?”
“Well, it doesn’t help our bad guy ness when you’re an idiot who gets in the way,” says Butey, “Maybe if you didn’t flip up all the time we’d seem better. I don’t know if you noticed this Exe, but every time there is a hitch in our plans it’s your fault,”
“That’s debatable,”
“You fell asleep during Lent’s Ladder Match,” Tri Bute reminds him.
“Well yeah but, I had a minor heart attack!”
“Your fault,” says Tri Bute. “Then you come out with your theme music and Lent has to shove a sledgehammer through your ace as punishment,”
“My Darren Criss Ace of H-,”
“YOUR FAULT!”, shouts Tri Bute, “And let’s not forget every time JBC beat me in a match. You were too busy trying to give his hand an organism to actually help,”
“You told me too! I stomped on his hand like you asked,”
“YOUUUUURR FFFFFFAULT” shouts Butey. “Okay, this time when you manage my match I want you to do something you’ve never done before.”
“What’s that?”
“Do a good job. I want you to do a good job this time, alright?” asks Tri Bute. “Then I’ll win the featherweight belt, you little flipping beach. If you do a ship job and I lose, well maybe more of your Glee memorabilia will be discarded for Tri Bute To The Doomed!”
Tri Bute walks away and Exe Cution starts crying, eventually Butey comes back and yells at him some more then they walk off the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship Match is next!
TAKE MY LOVE
TAKE MY LAND
TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND
I DON’T CARE
I’M STILL FREE
YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME
Tri Bute’s casket hits the mat after being lowered from the ceiling. It has purple skulls and blood on it, He opens up the casket and steps out, Exe Cution walks to the ring from the stage like a normal wrestler. Tri Bute picks up a microphone, and starts singing.
“YOU make me feel like I’m living a TEENAGE DREAM,” sings Tri Bute, “How’d you like that little ditty? It’s true. Andy Ridge, “Mr. Yakuza Kick” actually likes Katy Perry, what an idiot,”
“Darren’s cover on Glee, is way better than that ship,” adds on Cution.
“Yeah! You want to know what I think of Katy Perry, Ridge, I think she is unattractive and untalented!” shouts Tri Bute!
“It just got personal!” shouts Gold.
KICK IT
“Mr. Yakuza Kick” runs out from the back and starts throwing kicks in every direction! Ridge kicks the referee in the head on accident since he is blinded by rage. THEN HE KICKS TRI BUTE IN THE HEAD AND KNOCKS HIM OUT!
“That was one of the coolest kicks I’ve ever seen,” says Buackson
“I’m glad your able to pipe in after your wife’s gruesome death, I was starting to get worried about you,” says Gold.
Buackson starts crying again and puts his head in his arms again.
“Well, Ridge might be able to retain his belt after a murder kick like that!” says Gold.
Ridge covers Butey, but no one is around to count the fall! Ridge checks the referee’s pulse, but Exe Cution rolls into the ring and slams a pane of glass onto his back. Cution attempts to leave the ring, but his mentor, “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute stops him.
“Kiss his back. You gave him a booboo! It will feel better if you kiss it EXE!” demands Tri Bute.
“Fine!” Cution moves his lips over Ridge’s back wound, when he finishes he goes to leave again.
“Not so fast, I want to know what it tastes like!” demands Butey.
“If the referee gets up he’ll disqualify you if I’m still standing here,” snaps back Cution.
“Then hurry the flip up!”
“It tasted like back. Nothings ever better the second time Butey. I can’t just recreate the moment! They don’t always taste like love okay Butey? OKAY? I know you want me to say “oh man his back tastes like ripe peaches and Starkid musicals,” but it doesn’t taste like that! I know you want me to be in love to make some sort of point and then I stomp on it anyway because you say to,” rants Cution.
“If you know that’s what I want why don’t you flipping do it? Cution, your purpose on this planet isn’t to tell the truth, it isn’t to entertain these idiots who watch this ship, or to fall in love and procreate. YOUR PURPOSE is to do what I say, to do what Vio Lent says, and to make me happy, if I decide on the fly that I want to recreate that moment where you kissed JBC’s booboo and said it tasted like unconditional love and then I made you stomp on it, well then that is what’s going to happen. SLAVE! Or will Lenty need to pay Chris Colfer a little visit?” asks Butey.
“NO!” shouts Gold, Cution and Butey both look at Gold, then continue the segment as if he hadn’t interrupted.
Exe Cution turns back, to kiss Ridge’s back again I guess. But before his lips touch the ripped, bleeding, plus-covered flesh, he turns around and shoves Tri Bute into the corner! Cution rolls out of the ring and Ridge hits The Yakuza Kick to Butey. The referee comes to just in time to count the three giving Ridge the win to retain his championship.
“I don’t blame Cution here, if someone had that many déclassé tattoos of numerical operations on then, I wouldn’t touch them, nor run my tongue over them,” says Gold in disgust.
Andy Ridge exits with the belt while Exe Cution reenters the ring. Exe helps his master to his feet. Tri Bute grabs Cution by the neck and hits him with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam), then he spits on Exe.
“He was only trying to help you, Butey!” shouts Gold.
Butey climbs up to the top rope and flashes him an in a bad way. Then “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” leaps off the top rope and claps twice between his legs, before landing on Cution!
“OH WIZARD GOSH!” shouts Gold, “Tri Bute To The Doomed!”
Tri Bute picks up Exe Cution and hoists him onto his shoulders. The Tri Bute hits Cution with a Steamroller and climbs up to the top rope and hits Exe with a Moonsault. Then he gets up again and goes back up to the top rope and hit a 450 Degree Splash.
“More Tri For Your Bute! “The Future Warrior” is butalizing him! Did you catch my pun Buack?” asks Jonathon Gold.
“Champagne used to say puns!” Buackson starts crying again.
“Oh, now that were on the topic of things Champagne used to do, did she do analogies?” asks Gold.
Tri Bute rolls over Exe Cution so now he is lying on his tummy, then locks in around his waist and hits him with Blast Held By A Tri Bute (Dead-Lift German Suplex), inflicting 1000 points of direct damage to Cution’s life points. Tri Bute drags Cution over to the corner and sits him down there then hits him with Altar For Tri Bute (Bronco Buster (Clothed Rope)).
“Remember the rope scene in Star Wars Episode 9?” asks Gold.
“That was so edgy! How could I forget that!” shouts Buackson.
“Yeah it was one of those 9/11 moments I’ll never forget who I was with when I saw that and what day it was on,”
“That was so hot!”
“Seriously! I almost pulled a Peewee Herman!”
“Almost? I pulled it right out there, it’s not like I was the only one there doing it! Too bad they found my sailors all over the floor and beefed up security next time,” explains Buackson.
“See, isn’t talking to me about masticating adventures better than crying over your young, dead wife?” asks Gold.
“Why must the good die young!” shouts Buackson as he begins to cry again.
“Ugh, still, making Episode 9 an erotic film was a great choice, remember when Janbo Felt had six with the monkey so the other bounty hunters could go on ahead and face JereK Sith?” asks Gold, but Buack is too busy crying to reminisce about the best Star Wars movie.
Back to the ring, Tri Bute has Cution on his shoulders and then hits him with Royal Tri Bute (Attitude Adjustment Onto The Top Rope). Exe Cution is flung out of the ring and hits his head on the apron on the way down. Butey picks up a microphone and starts yelling into it!
“Crucio!” shouts Butey as he puts a finger to his forehead activating his mind control power’s pain move thing. He is from the future so this makes sense.
Exe Cution shouts out in pain as he clutches his stomach!
“Good Gosh! Butey is using his mind control powers to give Exe Cution a tummy ache!”
“The horror!” shouts Buackson!
LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
Vio Lent (Tyler Black) emerges from the back. He is carrying handcuffs!
“It’s about to get kinky Johnny!”
“Champagne was kinky!” shouts Buackson as he returns to crying. Lenty kicks Exe Cution in the back of the head and handcuffs his hands together.
“Good work Vio, now he can’t flip everything up again. We shall keep his hands bound FOREVER!” Tri Bute, “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”, lets out an evil laugh as he hooks arms with Lent and skips to the back!
“Well, that was brutal, I’m just glad that vicious beat down is over with, next up after all that pointing last month I’ve decided that I should call this next match a grudge match. Lawrence Alamo, JBC’s friend, versus “The Master of Satriani” is about to take place!” says Gold. He wipes some sweat off his face. “Very exhausting night tonight, eh Buack?”, Buackson doesn’t answer him since he is still crying.
Lawrence Alamo and Master Satriani wrestle each other, Satriani does a cheating move and defeats Lawrence to pick up the win!
“That match was unbelievably incredible!”
“Yeah, a match like that makes you forget all about your dead wife, right Buack?” asks Gold, however Buackson just begins to cry again. “Opps, oh well, let’s head backstage!”
“SO MY BOYS ARE GONNA FACE SOME FLYERS!” shouts Papa BBQ!
“Do you have to yell all the time?” asks Gene Barbecue as he shovels some sushi in his mouth. Time stops! Everyone screams at the same time realizing what Gene just did! “Flip, sorry Papa!” exclaims Ginny, but it is too late, Papa has already unhooked his belt and beat the ship out of Ginny with it.
“Anyone else turned on?” says Gold.
After making Gene’s ace the darkest shade of red I’ve ever seen, Papa Barbecue turns to Franny, “Now Franny boy you are on your own out there tonight, if Gene has to do any extra movin’ out there he’ll blow chunks all over the ring. Stay in the entire match, and do your very best. If you tag in Ginny and he throws up, well Franny your ace will be just as sore. DO I CLEAR MAKE MYSELF?”
“Yes sir! You sure do!” shouts Francis Barbecue as he salutes his father!
“I’d like to make something clear on him! I’m so funny right Buack?”
“That one was a little forced actually,” retorts Buackson
“Yeah, well, your wife is dead,” says Gold, Johnny Buackson returns to sobbing as the next match-up begins!
The Natural Born Grillers, Francis Barbecue and Gene Barbecue defended their SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Champions against The Motor City Machineguns, Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley. The Motor City Machineguns decided to be fair and Chris Sabin opted to sit out the match as well causing this to become a one-on-one match for the tag titles. However Gene not being in the match didn’t stop him from throwing up all over the ringside area. The janitor tries to clean it up but not before Alex Shelley gets hip-tossed into the vomit. The referee laughs his butt off! Then Franny picks up Shelley and tries to ROLLING LARIAT him, but he moves out of the way and clobbers the referee instead.
“SSAW, at least one ref bump in every match or your money back!” shouts Gold!
Franny shrugs then picks up Shelley and hits him with a Steamroller onto the ref’s knees! That move is called More Sauce For Your Steak! Franny pins Shelley!
1…
2…
3! Franny Barbecue has defeated Alex Shelley! He RETAINS THE BELTS! Franny is celebrating and helping the referee clean up the rest Gene’s barf, when all the sudden the lights go out and TAKING THE PAST attack them! Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute throw down the punches on the tag champs. Butey hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) on Gene, on the way down he throws up. Once Butey and Lenty get bored of beating up the Natural Born Grillers they roll into the ring and get microphones.
“Your champions are losers!” shouts “The Future Warrior” Tri Bute.
“Look at how easy it was to kick their aces, we deserve another shot at the titles,” says Lent, “So, we are calling out “The People’s Super Awesome Comish”, Rock get your stupid head butt out here now,”
“Unless you’re afraid of the future, we understand,” says Tri Bute.
THE ROCK SAYS
DO YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLL
COOKIE PUSS
FRUITY PEBBLES
THE ROCK
PEOPLE’S
THE ROCK
CHAMPION
THE ROCK
AWESOME
The Rock comes out from the back! “FINALLY! THE ROCK has come back to OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHHHH!”
“Shut the flip up, we are badaces and WE DEMAND TITLE SHOTS!” says Tri Bute as he crosses his arms.
“Obviously we are better champs than them, we just beat the crop out of them and left them in a pile of their own vomit, come on, that makes us better right?” says Vio Lent.
“Let me mull it over for a second. NOPE! Not next month! You guys are too smart, sexy, and powerful to get title shots next month! Everyone still needs to think I’m the best now! You know what you guys are? Poopy Butts! NOW TRENDING ON MYSPACE!” shouts The Rock!
The crowd starts chanting “Poopy Butts” and “You still got it”.
“I’ll tell you what, instead of getting title shots next month I’ll put you guys against the tag champs in singles matches!” says The Rock!
“Wow, TWO SINGLES MATCHES? I can’t wait for that Buack!” says Gold!
“OH NO NO NO NO! THAT’S NOT IT ACE FLIPPERS! THEY WILL BE TOURNAMENT MATCHES FOR A TOURNAMENT! The winner of the tournament will face The SSAW Global Warrior Champion at THE SUPER 14 YEAR SPECTACULAR!” says The Rock! “I think I’ll name it something awesome. It will be called the 2nd GREAT AMERICAN TOURNAMENT! This one will make up for the first one sucking too!” shouts THE ROCK!
“Okay, beach face, we’ll play your little game, Rock. THEN WE’LL WIN THE TOURNAMENT! Then we’ll win the TITLE! THEN WE’LL TAKE THE PAST!” shouts Butey!
“Alright! I think this segment is over. I have run out of things to say,” says The Rock before turning around and heading to the back. Taking The Past and The Natural Born Grillers also go to the back.
“Hey Buackson, you remember my daughter right?” asks Gold. Buackson nods. “She’s going to be on commentary with us for the next match,”
“Yay!” shouts Buackson, forgetting all about his dead wife for a minute.
“I hope nothing blows up and kills her that would suck, you feel me Buack?” notes Gold. The memories of his dead wife return to him, Buackson copes with this by putting his head down and weeping.
We head backstage where “The Agent” Mild Walsh and “Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Future Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” “Indescribably Indescribable” Kyle “Motherflipping” O’Reilly are preparing for the main event of the evening.
“You sure you don’t want a backrub Kyle? I’m a sports agent gosh darnit!” asks Walsh.
“No thanks brah, maybe if my back hurt I’d risk getting smashed by a car but it doesn’t so yeah. Jagged is a total frag, thank gosh I kicked his ace earlier,” says Kyle.
“Yeah, it’s in the bible, no one should suffer a witch to live right?” asks Walsh.
“Nice! You called Jagged a witch!” shouts Kyle as they high-five. “That was a smart insult you should write books,”
“It’s always been a dream of mine to write books, Kyle, you just inspired me, I will! Thank you! I’ll make sure to dedicate my work to you,” says Walsh.
“Don’t mention it, honey. Now it’s time for me to fight JBC and win the title. Then I’ll get that hamjog Gold promised me!” says Kyle O’Reilly with a smirk.
“Oh so you’ll take a hamjog from him, but I can’t even give you a backrub?”
“I’m a little superstitious, I’ll give you that,” says Kyle, “I still love to have you around man, you’re my best friend,”
“Okay Ky-Ky, Jagged is a punk and JBC is weenie, there is absolutely no way you can lose this. You walk out tonight a champion, the best champion ever. Remember those urges you told me about?”
“The one I get whenever I see an animal or woman? The feelings of lust and rage in one? The voices in my head telling me to do things that mommy said were bad? I’LL JUMP ON THE BED IF I WANT MOM YOU FLIPPING BEACH! The urge to ring its neck while forcing myself upon it? DOES KYLE O’REILLY HAVE TO CHOKE A BEACH? The one whenever I’m at the beach to strip naked and cover my body with sand? The one I got at Sea World? TAKE THAT SEAL, BEACH! HOW DO YOU LIKE MY PREHISTORIC WEAPON, BEACH? In the caves? With the bats? That urge to kill? Do you mean my urge to kill? Paint pictures with the blood?” whispers Kyle, yelling the all caps parts.
“Forget I asked,” says Walsh as he backs away and leaves, a look of fright on his face not expecting that reaction from his client.
“Okay Ky-Ky, wrist tape goes on the wrist, oil goes on the chest! KILL JBC. KILL JAGGED. 666 MURDA MURDA JESUS!” says Kyle as puts on wrist tape and rubs oil on his chest. “Gold, your going to make my ham jog whether you like it or not,”
“That was creepy,” says Gold, “I hope he doesn’t kill your wife Buack, oh wait!” Gold starts laughing, but Buackson isn’t amused. “At first I was trying to dance around the subject, but it starting to become rather enjoyable, you know, mentioning your dead wife,” explains Gold as he wipes a tear from his eye.
“Flip you, the main event is about to begin, I’m sort of excited,” says Buackson
“Yeah, it’s going to be great. It’s not going to bring anyone back to life, but it’ll be great,” says Gold. “My daughter is a biker chick and she knows all about the not as edgy days of wrestling, like WCW and that Overgiver guy,” says Gold.
“My wife knew about WCW!” says Buackson as he starts crying.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
WERP
OF BEING A HEEL!
AND BEING COOL!
NOW MY DREAM IS HERE
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
BEACHES
“And speak of the guy I don’t like, here he is!” says Gold as Kyle O’Reilly and his manager come out from the back. “Have I ever mentioned I was born and raised in Oklahoma?” asks Gold, Buackson doesn’t answer his question since he is too busy crying; I’m not entirely sure why he asked that.
Ky-Ky rolls into the ring and starts running the ropes. He runs back and forth across the ring, I’m not entirely sure how many times, but it feels like it was a little more than necessary. Then JBC’s music starts playing as he enters the arena. A few young ladies in the front row bring themselves to an organism as he walks on by.
“JBC is such a great champion Buack! How many days is his reign now? Like 700?”
“About 400 days actually,” corrects Johnny Buackson.
In the early goings John Boy hits several moves to the cheers of his mostly female audience. He hits several Bodyslams and Drop Kicks. Then Kyle O’Reilly starts being a heel, he pokes JBC’s eyes then kicks him in the head.
“Here she comes!” shouts Gold as his daughter takes a seat in between Buackson and Gold.
“Yes, I’m here,” says Gold’s daughter.
“Johnny, this is my daughter, um,” Gold says to Buackson, then turns to the chick, “Sorry what was your name?”
“Seraphina,”
“This is my daughter, Seraphina, ignore her stupid name,” says Gold.
Buackson and Seraphina exchange pleasantries and shake hands as Kyle clips JBC’s leg. Gold calls the move “Kyle’s Super Move!” then Kyle starts stomping on John Boy’s body parts. Literally stomping on every inch of his body.
“They weren’t this brutal in the not as edgy days of wrestling, were they Seraphina?” asks Gold.
“Nope!” says Seraphina, “But once the Overgiver faced Octo I and got hit with a hammer,”
“That silly gravedigger,” laughs Gold.
Kyle O is about to hit John Boy Corbett with a Headlock Driver, but JBC pushes out at the last second and sends him into the ropes. Corbett hits O’Reilly with The Corbett Report (ROLLING CLOSELINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD) knocking him over the top rope and down to the floor. Everyone in the arena is on their feet! A “Holy Ship” chant breaks out and JBC let out a mighty Yee-Haw! Mild Walsh is able to toss Kyle into the ring when the referee reaches an 8 count.
“That was close,” says Seraphina. “If Elder Justice had reached a 10 count, Kyle O’Reilly might have lost!”
Gold does the math quickly, “We were just 2 seconds away from seeing JBC retain the title, WHAT A MAN!” shouts Gold.
John Boy Corbett hits Kyle O’Reilly with a Backbreaker then he hits him with the Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam), NO ONE HAS EVER KICKED OUT OF THAT MOVE! JBC crawls over to Ky-Ky he is about to pin him!
MURDER
KILL
DEATH
TIME IS THE FIRE IN WHICH WE BURN
THE BITTER ASH AND DUST OF HATE CHOKE WHAT REMAINS
SO DON’T BREATHE A MOTE ABOUT FATE OR FAITH
CAUSE THOSE WORDS AND THEIR TOLL LEAVE SO MANY SO COLD
AND THE STORY’S SO OLD YET IT NEVER GETS TOLD
BUT IT’S WRITTEN IN THE SCARS ON THE WRISTS OF THE LOST
IN THE COLD OF LIFE
YEAH
MY MOTHER GOT ROPED AT NINE YEARS OLD
“Who’s that ugly guy?” asks Seraphina.
“IT’S CACTUS FLANDERS! He hates JBC and mudbloods. HE EVEN KILLED BUACKSON’S WIFE!” answers Gold.
Johnny Buackson stands up and starts swearing under his breath. JBC turns his attention to Flanders who is on the ramp. He has a microphone.
“JBC, I don’t like your face!” shouts Cactus Flanders! Everyone is totally taken aback!
“That’s not true! Everyone loves his face!” shouts Seraphina
“It’s so kissable,” adds on Gold.
Johnny Buackson picks up a microphone. “Hey shiphead. Why don’t you shut the flip up before I come over there and rip your face off?”
“Who are you? And what’s your problem?” asks Flanders.
“I’m Johnny Buackson and you killed my wife! Now you’re acting like you don’t know who I am? You ruined my life, Cactus, and then you just forget? Champagne taught me how to love and you took that way from me!” rants Buackson.
“Oh that,”
“YEAH THAT, and so begins my journey to get revenge! It won’t be easy, but I will avenge Champagne, I will get you back for this Cactus, and I will bring Champagne back to life!” declares Buackson.
“Hold on Buack, I didn’t kill her, fighting me won’t solve anything,”
“You rigged the announce table with explosives! It blew up! My wife died! Of course you killed her!” yells Buackson, “And now it’s my turn to kill you!” Buackson slams the microphone onto the ground then runs up the ramp and starts trading fists with Flanders. Buackson hits a low kick and he is about to hit Flanders with a Powerbomb on the steel stage when Master Satriani appears on the stage and spits mist in his face. Satriani and Flanders pull Buackson onto their shoulders and Powerbomb him off the stage through a spotlight! IT EXPLODES!
“OH SHIP! “Champagne’s Last Glass” Cactus Flanders and Master Satriani just straight up murdered Johnny Buackson! Who will they kill next month at Bloody Easter Smackdown 4?” asks Gold.
In all the commotion Kyle O’Reilly rolls up “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett and tugs the tights!
1…
2…
WIZARD DEAD GOSH DEAD WIFE FLIP FLIPPIN’ NO HECK NO OH FLIPPIN’ SHIP SHIPPY SHIP NO FLIP OH GOSH NO! John Boy Corbett kicked out at 2!
“Oh my grievous crisp! That was the closest nearfall ever, THIS IS THE BEST MATCH TO EVER HAPPEN IN WRESTLING EVER GRIEVOUS CRISP BALLS! Seraphina are you watching this?” asks Gold, but she isn’t watching this.
“Johnny get with me, one two,” Seraphina pushes on Buackson’s stomach. Seraphina puts her ear to his chest in an attempt to hear his heartbeat. Cactus Flanders and Master Satriani join Walsh at ringside and cheer on Kyle O’Reilly.
Kyle hits several kicks to the side of JBC’s face the locks it the Guillotine Choke but before reaching the point of coughing blood and going out cold, Corbett hits a Spinebuster! John Boy picks up Kyle and sets him on the top rope in the corner. John Boy signals for the Rodeo Mega-Plex (Superplex), but when he is about to hit it, Cactus Flanders distracts the referee and Satriani spits mist in JBC’s face. O’Reilly regains his composure and hits JBC with a The Stygian Murder Super Toss (Border Toss (Razor’s Edge (Crucifix Powerbomb))) OFF THE TOP ROPE!
“GRIEVOUS SHIP!”
Kyle O’Reilly leaps off the top rope and hits John Boy Corbett with a Shooting Star Press to get the three, the win and become the new champion.
“NO! This can’t be happening! “Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly is the new champion!” says Gold.
“BUACK! WAKE UP BUACK!” shouts Seraphina as she continues to push on his chest. It must be some sort of miracle, Buackson’s eyes open as a tear drops from Seraphina’s eye. By neither one’s power they are joined together in a tight embrace and their tongues flicker in and out of each other’s mouth. They stop, but are immediately pulled in again by passion and fate.
Kyle O’Reilly, Mild Walsh, Cactus Flanders, and Master Satriani celebrate in the ring with the championship while the crowd throws trash and used tampoons into the ring. Jonathon Gold joins in on the fun tossing pocket lent at the heel thugs! But O’Reilly rolls out of the ring.
“So about my hamjog, baby, I don’t see your boyfriend, I want it beach, give it up babe,” demands Kyle.
Jonathon Gold stands, but Kyle pushes him and promptly puts him in his place.
“Sit down frag. Yeah, what are you gonna do? You ain’t gonna do a dang thing! You got punked in your own flippin’ town. I’m punkin’ you out in front of your daughter! You got punked! You invented frags, you frag. You should’ve done something already! You should’ve done something already! But you ain’t doing nothing! I’m punking you in front of your hometown! You flippin’ deer. YOU SHAVE YOUR FLIPPIN’ CHEST!” demands Kyle, while thrusting a piece of ham in his face. Walsh, Flanders, and Satriani start chanting, “Make it jog”. Gold reaches out to take the ham and give in to the pressure of his peers when a fist slams into Kyle O’Reilly’s head and forces him to the ground. Johnny Buackson blows on his fist then picks up his microphone.
“Cactus, I hate you and everything you stand for. I hate every despicable thing you’ve said or done, but I have to thank you. Last month you killed my wife. Today you almost killed me, but by doing so you gave me strength and you helped me. Cactus, if you hadn’t killed Champagne I would of never found my true love, Seraphina,” Buackson pulls in Seraphina and they begin to snog like dirty pigs. Buackson walks over to Jonathon Gold and whispers something in his ear.
“I love your daughter with every fiber of my being, I want to hold her and cherish her forever, please let me be with her for the rest of my life. Can I marry your daughter?” asks Buackson.
Gold takes a step back, not knowing what to say. Every part of him wants to say no, because he loves Johnny Buackson. He also loves his daughter. Is he a selfish man? Is Jonathon Gold a selfish man? He knows it will make the two most important people to him happy, but will he be happy? Gold does the only thing that makes sense to him and nods in approval.
Johnny Buackson leaps into the air with glee and lands bent on one knee offering a ring to Seraphina, “Seraphina, you are beautiful to me and I am sure that I love you. So sure that I am willing to make you this vow on humble’th the knee. I will provide for you I WILL PROVIDE AND I LOVE YOU. And you will keep my home and raise my children. I will make you happy, if you will make me happy, so, will you make me the happiest hat alive and be my magical enchanted accessory for life?” proposes Johnny.
“YES! Wizard gosh, yes!”, Seraphina falls to her knees and hugs him. They snog like pigs again as the crowd cheers. Buackson looks into the ring, “Cactus, I want you to be the best man because without you, I mean, without you I would of eventually grown unhappy and her killed her myself, you stopped me, you helped me find my purpose a lot sooner. What do you say?” asks Buackson.
“Oh course I’ll do it!” says Cactus Flanders with a tear in his eye.
“And there you have it folks, a happy ending to a beautiful show! The evil Kyle O’Reilly won the SSAW Global Warrior Championship and my two favorite people are getting married, we’ll see you next time!” sums up Gold as the scene fades to black.
3/12/24
Seraphina Gold on last night’s SSAW PPV was played by Elizabeth Ace, she is a prom star.
Chris Sabin has decided to take another break from wrestling; he plans to be back for July. In the meantime he will paint his face and mime. Here’s a statement he made to The Sun, “Yeah, I’m gonna be a mime again instead of just getting my butt kicked in SSAW, you get a lot of Plessy vs. Ferguson if you’re a mime, I like that,”
Kyle O’Reilly finished building a doghouse two days ago. He has 3 dogs and it is said that he likes them very much.
3/19/24
POP (Pee’d Off Parents) has released a statement on their war against murder of 9 to 11 year olds and Super Special Awesome Wrestling (SSAW). “It was family home evening so we decided to buy the SSAW PPV “In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre” we we’re expecting a fun family friendly show, with clean jokes, happy songs, and no swearing. Instead we were treated with joke that we’re not only about rope, they encouraged rope! One of the commentators was a homosexual, which we found immoral and wrong. Then the world champion called him a frag several times. WHICH WE ALSO FIND IMMORAL AND WRONG! We are going to go to the anonymous president and have this cabbage shut down, FOREVER,”
SSAW released a counter statement, “Oh flip off,”
3/52/24
SSAW’s NEXT MEGA AWESOME PPV is only SEVEN DAYS away. It is Bloody Easter Smackdown 4! AND THERE ARE TWO MATCHES announced!
Great American Tournament 2 Round 1 Match
Vio Lent (Tyler Black) vs. “A-1” Francis Barbecue
Great American Tournament 2 Round 1 Match
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute vs. “Too Sauce To Handle” Gene Barbecue
They are saying the show will be available in 610 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
Johnny Buckson walks into a bar. He is wearing a polo shirt. He sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a ham and cheese sandwich. The bartender brings him back his ham and cheese sandwich, and Buckson thanks him. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. Then he swallows all that at once. He is great at swallowing.
I SAID EXCUSE ME YOU’RE A HECK OF A GUY
I MEAN MY MY MY MY YOU’RE LIKE PELICAN FLY
I MEAN YOU’RE SO SHY AND I’M LOVING YOUR TIE
YOU’RE LIKE SLICKER THAN THAT GUY WITH THE THING ON HIS EYE
A woman walks into the bar and takes a seat next to Buckson. “Hey shiphead,” she says to the bartender, “Get me some coke,” she demands. The bartender complies and sets her up with the works. She snorts it off the counter. Once the coke has entered he nasal passages and all that ship she turns and takes a good look at Johnny Buckson.
“You’re that frag from SSAW right?” says the woman. “Eat ship and die,”
She begins to walk away, but at that moment Buckson starts clutching at his throat and choking, obviously he overestimated his swallowing ability. The woman sees Buckson choking and chuckles a bit before continuing out of the bar.
Buckson huddled over the bar and slowly faded out. Suddenly, he feels a tight embrace around his stomach. He is given the Heimlich maneuver allowing the food to escape his throat, since it is dislodged.
“Thank you, Good Samaritan!” says Buckson, relieved that he won’t die today.
“Oh, don’t mention it Buck,” said Jonathon Gold back.
“Oh Goldo! You finally made it! Yeah sorry, I actually got to split, there was this really hot chick and I was going to put the moves on her but I started choking and she left. Maybe we can hang out some other time?” asks Buck.
“Definitely, go chase your girl, Buck.”
Buckson ran off after the woman who just left him to die and left his friend alone at the bar.
“One appletini please,” requested Gold.
“Make it two!” says a guy with a beard.
“Has anyone ever told you, you look like Terry Funk?” asks Gold to the bearded guy with a puzzled expression.
“I am Terry Funk,”
And just like that his whole world shattered around him, he didn’t know what to think and didn’t know what to do. He was standing next to Terry Funk. That guy who faced Ric Flair. IN A MATCH. He also faced Mick Foley. They got to talking and found that they had a shared love for Karaoke.
“Okay, Terry, I’ve grasped that you are very wise from talking with you. Do you mind if I ask you for advice?” questioned Gold.
“Shoot,”
“I really like this guy, but he doesn’t ever notice me, I invite him to hang out and he shows up, but then he is always asking me stuff like do you think those chicks are hot? Mind if I go? A really hot chick left the bar so I’m going to follow her and find out where she lives! How do I make him notice me and how attractive I am?” asks Gold.
“Well that’s easy, what you need to do is find out everything about every person he knows, then track them down and see if they are a better fit for him than you. If they are kill them, if they aren’t let natural selection take it’s course. Eventually he will stop docking around and he’ll see how charming you are, it’ll be just like Cinderella,” advises Funk.
“I don’t know how I feel about the whole killing people thing, it seems kind of extreme,”
“If you are too much of a Plessy to kill someone you are too much of a Plessy for love, remember that it is wise,” says Funk as he pays for the drinks. “It’s getting late, hey, there is no reason for both of us to go home alone tonight. Want to hit my place?” asks Funk.
“That’s all right I kind of want to do some thinking tonight, you’re advice is really helpful I just don’t know if I can do that morally,” says Gold.
“How about one last drink then, I’ll go to the other side of the bar and order it then bring it back here,” says Funk.
The scene fades to black.
Dear Diary,
I didn’t mean to kill her. But Terry was right it was the only way. I still don’t remember why I woke up in a ditch the next morning though; my ace was kind of sore too. Buckson, I know someday you’ll be mine, which is why I decided to save myself for you that one night in the bar, where I met Terry Funk.
So Yeah,
Jonathon Gold
Dear Diary,
Flipping Exe Cution, for a mind slave he can be a real pain in the axe. I love watching him squirm like a fat pig. I’m so glad I have good competent mind slaves like Vio Lent to keep me company whenever Cution goes to lunch and starts trying to flip up my plans.
Anyway, The Natural Born Grillers are a couple of sisters, Vio Lent and I our convicted ropists, actually I think I did this one already. Whatever they suck.
However, this is completely unrelated. You know that guy Andy Ridge? Well tonight I have a shot at the featherweight belt and I promise that I will kick his gee little butt, and maybe I’ll get him with the tape and make him desire to TAKE THE PAST.
TAKING THE PAST REIGNS SUPREME!
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
Last month I proved that anything is possible, and now tonight I get to prove that I deserve to be named one of the greatest SSAW Megastars of all time. Everything before now was just rocks on my yellow brick road. Heck in a Cell? Rock! Tri Bute six times? Rock! Shane Matthews? Rock! Flanders again? ROCK! I kick rocks off the path, but I think I just came to the end of the path.
Kyle O’Reilly, who is a bad guy, now, is where my path ends. If I win I solidify myself as the greatest. If I lose I walk away with nothing.
YEHAW,
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett
Diary Dearest,
Last time I addressed you this way it was going to be a one-time thing but I’ve decided to do it every time from now on! I think it sounds cool.
Back in heel-land, where everyone is a bad guy, I am a hero. I’m the president of HEEL-LAND and I’m the best at wrestling. I AM THE EMPEROR OF WRESTLING. Bow down to me beaches. I am finally taking what’s mine. Jagged is a sissy, want to know why? He’s annoying, he should just go away and die or something.
Remember what I said before? About my urge to kill? It’s growing! I can feel the urges inside of me soon they’ll be uncontrollable. I AM A MAN OF VENGEANCE! NOW I’M A HEEL. TONIGHT I WILL BE A CHAMPION AGAIN. NOW I’M A HEEL.
AND I’M TAKING OVER!,
“Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Future Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” “Indescribably Indescribable” Kyle “Motherflipping” O’Reilly
Dear Diary,
And that my friend was Champagne’s last glass.
Murder, Kill, Death,
Cactus Flanders
In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre
March 11th 2024
The Spanish Super Special Awesome Dome in Madrid, Spain and broadcasted across the globe in 574 languages and American dialects!
“The Amazing” Amazing Halo and “Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac went to a 15 inure time limit draw in the dark match.
“Hello and welcome to our exciting event, will it prove to be as killer as last months Buack?” asks Gold.
“Flip you,” answers Buackson. “Seriously not cool,”
“Um, edgy”
“I guess I can’t argue with that,” says Buack.
ONE MAN
MANY FRIENDS
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER FRIENDS
SUPER BROS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
“The following contest is a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH for the SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship! Entering first, challenger number one, weighting in at a slim 236lbs “The King of The Cage” Jagged!”
Jagged rolls into the ring and waits for his opponents to enter. After a period of time, they enter. The triple threat begins after “No Gimmick Needed” Shane Matthews, the other challenger, and “The Frightning Halloween Flyer” Frightmare, the reigning champion, and of course one of the most legendary wrestlers ever, like Articuno levels of legendary, Jagged take their corners. As soon as the match begins Shane Matthews hits a double low blow to both of his opponents! This match in no DQ since it’s a triple threat! Matthews attempted to pin both at the same time but Jagged kicked out at one and Frightmare kicked out at 2. Shane Matthews picks them up for a Double DDT but they reverse it into a Double Northern Lights Suplex for a near fall.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
OF A FAR-OFF PLACE
WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME
WILL BE WAITING FOR ME
WHERE THE CROWD WILL CHEER
WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE
AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING
THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE
WERP
EXCEPT NOW
I’M A HEEL
AND I’M TAKE
ING OVER
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
BEACHES
Kyle O’Reilly steps onto the ramp, interrupts the match, and points at Jagged. Jagged points back at Kyle while Frightmare and Shane Matthews keep brawling. Kyle stops pointing and begins to walk towards the ring and Jagged walks out and meets him on the ramp. They start punching the crop out of each other!
“What a sick pervert!”
“Someone get Kyle O’Reilly out of here, THIS ISN’T HIS FIGHT!” shouts Johnny Buackson. “It wasn’t her fight,” mumbles Buackson to himself.
“ROLLING CLOSELINE!” shouts Gold, “That move was killer!”
Buackson puts his head in his arms and starts crying.
“I mean good! That move was not lethal, just good!” corrects Gold.
In the ring, Matthews hits the Dario Effect #3 (RKO (Ace Crusher)) to Frightmare, but he kicks out at two! Shane Matthews gets really pee’d off so he picks up Frightmare and hits him with Dario Effect #7 (Rock Bottom).
“He beat The Rock with this move!” shouts Gold!
1…
2…
FRIGHTMARE KICKS OUT! Matthews slaps on a Camel Clutch, while on the ramp O’Reilly and Jagged are brawling. O’Reilly slams Jagged’s face into the guardrail like 5 or 6 times then lifts Jagged onto his shoulders and walks with him onto the stage! Mild Walsh is there and he has already set up four tables. O’Reilly throws Jagged off the stage through the tables and he looks like he is dead and stuff.
“Woah that was the coolest thing ever! Maybe I will give him a hamjog, are you watching this Buack?” asks Gold.
Shane Matthews goes for another Dario Effect #7 on Frightmare but he gets pushed away and hit with a ROLLING SUPERKICK for 3. Frightmare is still SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion. IT DOESN’T MATTER O’REILLY HAS A MICROPHONE.
“And that was Jagged’s last match,” says O’Reilly. “He was a non-factor, unimportant, and looked like a chump. Biggest legendstar in SSAW my ax. THAT’S ME! Kyle O’Reilly. “The Emperor of WRESTLING!” “Never FORGET” KYLE O’REILLY! My name is KYLE O’REILLY!”
“I guess we’ll get to see more of Ky-Ky later tonight when he takes on John Boy Corbett for the SSAW Global Warrior Title. For now we’ll go backstage!” says Gold.
“So, O’Reilly is trying to upstage us?” asks Exe Cution (David Hart Smith).
“Exactly, Cactus Flanders too,” says “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute.
“They aren’t better bad guys than us. Right?”
“Well, it doesn’t help our bad guy ness when you’re an idiot who gets in the way,” says Butey, “Maybe if you didn’t flip up all the time we’d seem better. I don’t know if you noticed this Exe, but every time there is a hitch in our plans it’s your fault,”
“That’s debatable,”
“You fell asleep during Lent’s Ladder Match,” Tri Bute reminds him.
“Well yeah but, I had a minor heart attack!”
“Your fault,” says Tri Bute. “Then you come out with your theme music and Lent has to shove a sledgehammer through your ace as punishment,”
“My Darren Criss Ace of H-,”
“YOUR FAULT!”, shouts Tri Bute, “And let’s not forget every time JBC beat me in a match. You were too busy trying to give his hand an organism to actually help,”
“You told me too! I stomped on his hand like you asked,”
“YOUUUUURR FFFFFFAULT” shouts Butey. “Okay, this time when you manage my match I want you to do something you’ve never done before.”
“What’s that?”
“Do a good job. I want you to do a good job this time, alright?” asks Tri Bute. “Then I’ll win the featherweight belt, you little flipping beach. If you do a ship job and I lose, well maybe more of your Glee memorabilia will be discarded for Tri Bute To The Doomed!”
Tri Bute walks away and Exe Cution starts crying, eventually Butey comes back and yells at him some more then they walk off the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship Match is next!
TAKE MY LOVE
TAKE MY LAND
TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND
I DON’T CARE
I’M STILL FREE
YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME
Tri Bute’s casket hits the mat after being lowered from the ceiling. It has purple skulls and blood on it, He opens up the casket and steps out, Exe Cution walks to the ring from the stage like a normal wrestler. Tri Bute picks up a microphone, and starts singing.
“YOU make me feel like I’m living a TEENAGE DREAM,” sings Tri Bute, “How’d you like that little ditty? It’s true. Andy Ridge, “Mr. Yakuza Kick” actually likes Katy Perry, what an idiot,”
“Darren’s cover on Glee, is way better than that ship,” adds on Cution.
“Yeah! You want to know what I think of Katy Perry, Ridge, I think she is unattractive and untalented!” shouts Tri Bute!
“It just got personal!” shouts Gold.
KICK IT
“Mr. Yakuza Kick” runs out from the back and starts throwing kicks in every direction! Ridge kicks the referee in the head on accident since he is blinded by rage. THEN HE KICKS TRI BUTE IN THE HEAD AND KNOCKS HIM OUT!
“That was one of the coolest kicks I’ve ever seen,” says Buackson
“I’m glad your able to pipe in after your wife’s gruesome death, I was starting to get worried about you,” says Gold.
Buackson starts crying again and puts his head in his arms again.
“Well, Ridge might be able to retain his belt after a murder kick like that!” says Gold.
Ridge covers Butey, but no one is around to count the fall! Ridge checks the referee’s pulse, but Exe Cution rolls into the ring and slams a pane of glass onto his back. Cution attempts to leave the ring, but his mentor, “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute stops him.
“Kiss his back. You gave him a booboo! It will feel better if you kiss it EXE!” demands Tri Bute.
“Fine!” Cution moves his lips over Ridge’s back wound, when he finishes he goes to leave again.
“Not so fast, I want to know what it tastes like!” demands Butey.
“If the referee gets up he’ll disqualify you if I’m still standing here,” snaps back Cution.
“Then hurry the flip up!”
“It tasted like back. Nothings ever better the second time Butey. I can’t just recreate the moment! They don’t always taste like love okay Butey? OKAY? I know you want me to say “oh man his back tastes like ripe peaches and Starkid musicals,” but it doesn’t taste like that! I know you want me to be in love to make some sort of point and then I stomp on it anyway because you say to,” rants Cution.
“If you know that’s what I want why don’t you flipping do it? Cution, your purpose on this planet isn’t to tell the truth, it isn’t to entertain these idiots who watch this ship, or to fall in love and procreate. YOUR PURPOSE is to do what I say, to do what Vio Lent says, and to make me happy, if I decide on the fly that I want to recreate that moment where you kissed JBC’s booboo and said it tasted like unconditional love and then I made you stomp on it, well then that is what’s going to happen. SLAVE! Or will Lenty need to pay Chris Colfer a little visit?” asks Butey.
“NO!” shouts Gold, Cution and Butey both look at Gold, then continue the segment as if he hadn’t interrupted.
Exe Cution turns back, to kiss Ridge’s back again I guess. But before his lips touch the ripped, bleeding, plus-covered flesh, he turns around and shoves Tri Bute into the corner! Cution rolls out of the ring and Ridge hits The Yakuza Kick to Butey. The referee comes to just in time to count the three giving Ridge the win to retain his championship.
“I don’t blame Cution here, if someone had that many déclassé tattoos of numerical operations on then, I wouldn’t touch them, nor run my tongue over them,” says Gold in disgust.
Andy Ridge exits with the belt while Exe Cution reenters the ring. Exe helps his master to his feet. Tri Bute grabs Cution by the neck and hits him with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam), then he spits on Exe.
“He was only trying to help you, Butey!” shouts Gold.
Butey climbs up to the top rope and flashes him an in a bad way. Then “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” leaps off the top rope and claps twice between his legs, before landing on Cution!
“OH WIZARD GOSH!” shouts Gold, “Tri Bute To The Doomed!”
Tri Bute picks up Exe Cution and hoists him onto his shoulders. The Tri Bute hits Cution with a Steamroller and climbs up to the top rope and hits Exe with a Moonsault. Then he gets up again and goes back up to the top rope and hit a 450 Degree Splash.
“More Tri For Your Bute! “The Future Warrior” is butalizing him! Did you catch my pun Buack?” asks Jonathon Gold.
“Champagne used to say puns!” Buackson starts crying again.
“Oh, now that were on the topic of things Champagne used to do, did she do analogies?” asks Gold.
Tri Bute rolls over Exe Cution so now he is lying on his tummy, then locks in around his waist and hits him with Blast Held By A Tri Bute (Dead-Lift German Suplex), inflicting 1000 points of direct damage to Cution’s life points. Tri Bute drags Cution over to the corner and sits him down there then hits him with Altar For Tri Bute (Bronco Buster (Clothed Rope)).
“Remember the rope scene in Star Wars Episode 9?” asks Gold.
“That was so edgy! How could I forget that!” shouts Buackson.
“Yeah it was one of those 9/11 moments I’ll never forget who I was with when I saw that and what day it was on,”
“That was so hot!”
“Seriously! I almost pulled a Peewee Herman!”
“Almost? I pulled it right out there, it’s not like I was the only one there doing it! Too bad they found my sailors all over the floor and beefed up security next time,” explains Buackson.
“See, isn’t talking to me about masticating adventures better than crying over your young, dead wife?” asks Gold.
“Why must the good die young!” shouts Buackson as he begins to cry again.
“Ugh, still, making Episode 9 an erotic film was a great choice, remember when Janbo Felt had six with the monkey so the other bounty hunters could go on ahead and face JereK Sith?” asks Gold, but Buack is too busy crying to reminisce about the best Star Wars movie.
Back to the ring, Tri Bute has Cution on his shoulders and then hits him with Royal Tri Bute (Attitude Adjustment Onto The Top Rope). Exe Cution is flung out of the ring and hits his head on the apron on the way down. Butey picks up a microphone and starts yelling into it!
“Crucio!” shouts Butey as he puts a finger to his forehead activating his mind control power’s pain move thing. He is from the future so this makes sense.
Exe Cution shouts out in pain as he clutches his stomach!
“Good Gosh! Butey is using his mind control powers to give Exe Cution a tummy ache!”
“The horror!” shouts Buackson!
LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
Vio Lent (Tyler Black) emerges from the back. He is carrying handcuffs!
“It’s about to get kinky Johnny!”
“Champagne was kinky!” shouts Buackson as he returns to crying. Lenty kicks Exe Cution in the back of the head and handcuffs his hands together.
“Good work Vio, now he can’t flip everything up again. We shall keep his hands bound FOREVER!” Tri Bute, “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”, lets out an evil laugh as he hooks arms with Lent and skips to the back!
“Well, that was brutal, I’m just glad that vicious beat down is over with, next up after all that pointing last month I’ve decided that I should call this next match a grudge match. Lawrence Alamo, JBC’s friend, versus “The Master of Satriani” is about to take place!” says Gold. He wipes some sweat off his face. “Very exhausting night tonight, eh Buack?”, Buackson doesn’t answer him since he is still crying.
Lawrence Alamo and Master Satriani wrestle each other, Satriani does a cheating move and defeats Lawrence to pick up the win!
“That match was unbelievably incredible!”
“Yeah, a match like that makes you forget all about your dead wife, right Buack?” asks Gold, however Buackson just begins to cry again. “Opps, oh well, let’s head backstage!”
“SO MY BOYS ARE GONNA FACE SOME FLYERS!” shouts Papa BBQ!
“Do you have to yell all the time?” asks Gene Barbecue as he shovels some sushi in his mouth. Time stops! Everyone screams at the same time realizing what Gene just did! “Flip, sorry Papa!” exclaims Ginny, but it is too late, Papa has already unhooked his belt and beat the ship out of Ginny with it.
“Anyone else turned on?” says Gold.
After making Gene’s ace the darkest shade of red I’ve ever seen, Papa Barbecue turns to Franny, “Now Franny boy you are on your own out there tonight, if Gene has to do any extra movin’ out there he’ll blow chunks all over the ring. Stay in the entire match, and do your very best. If you tag in Ginny and he throws up, well Franny your ace will be just as sore. DO I CLEAR MAKE MYSELF?”
“Yes sir! You sure do!” shouts Francis Barbecue as he salutes his father!
“I’d like to make something clear on him! I’m so funny right Buack?”
“That one was a little forced actually,” retorts Buackson
“Yeah, well, your wife is dead,” says Gold, Johnny Buackson returns to sobbing as the next match-up begins!
The Natural Born Grillers, Francis Barbecue and Gene Barbecue defended their SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Champions against The Motor City Machineguns, Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley. The Motor City Machineguns decided to be fair and Chris Sabin opted to sit out the match as well causing this to become a one-on-one match for the tag titles. However Gene not being in the match didn’t stop him from throwing up all over the ringside area. The janitor tries to clean it up but not before Alex Shelley gets hip-tossed into the vomit. The referee laughs his butt off! Then Franny picks up Shelley and tries to ROLLING LARIAT him, but he moves out of the way and clobbers the referee instead.
“SSAW, at least one ref bump in every match or your money back!” shouts Gold!
Franny shrugs then picks up Shelley and hits him with a Steamroller onto the ref’s knees! That move is called More Sauce For Your Steak! Franny pins Shelley!
1…
2…
3! Franny Barbecue has defeated Alex Shelley! He RETAINS THE BELTS! Franny is celebrating and helping the referee clean up the rest Gene’s barf, when all the sudden the lights go out and TAKING THE PAST attack them! Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute throw down the punches on the tag champs. Butey hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) on Gene, on the way down he throws up. Once Butey and Lenty get bored of beating up the Natural Born Grillers they roll into the ring and get microphones.
“Your champions are losers!” shouts “The Future Warrior” Tri Bute.
“Look at how easy it was to kick their aces, we deserve another shot at the titles,” says Lent, “So, we are calling out “The People’s Super Awesome Comish”, Rock get your stupid head butt out here now,”
“Unless you’re afraid of the future, we understand,” says Tri Bute.
THE ROCK SAYS
DO YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLL
COOKIE PUSS
FRUITY PEBBLES
THE ROCK
PEOPLE’S
THE ROCK
CHAMPION
THE ROCK
AWESOME
The Rock comes out from the back! “FINALLY! THE ROCK has come back to OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHHHH!”
“Shut the flip up, we are badaces and WE DEMAND TITLE SHOTS!” says Tri Bute as he crosses his arms.
“Obviously we are better champs than them, we just beat the crop out of them and left them in a pile of their own vomit, come on, that makes us better right?” says Vio Lent.
“Let me mull it over for a second. NOPE! Not next month! You guys are too smart, sexy, and powerful to get title shots next month! Everyone still needs to think I’m the best now! You know what you guys are? Poopy Butts! NOW TRENDING ON MYSPACE!” shouts The Rock!
The crowd starts chanting “Poopy Butts” and “You still got it”.
“I’ll tell you what, instead of getting title shots next month I’ll put you guys against the tag champs in singles matches!” says The Rock!
“Wow, TWO SINGLES MATCHES? I can’t wait for that Buack!” says Gold!
“OH NO NO NO NO! THAT’S NOT IT ACE FLIPPERS! THEY WILL BE TOURNAMENT MATCHES FOR A TOURNAMENT! The winner of the tournament will face The SSAW Global Warrior Champion at THE SUPER 14 YEAR SPECTACULAR!” says The Rock! “I think I’ll name it something awesome. It will be called the 2nd GREAT AMERICAN TOURNAMENT! This one will make up for the first one sucking too!” shouts THE ROCK!
“Okay, beach face, we’ll play your little game, Rock. THEN WE’LL WIN THE TOURNAMENT! Then we’ll win the TITLE! THEN WE’LL TAKE THE PAST!” shouts Butey!
“Alright! I think this segment is over. I have run out of things to say,” says The Rock before turning around and heading to the back. Taking The Past and The Natural Born Grillers also go to the back.
“Hey Buackson, you remember my daughter right?” asks Gold. Buackson nods. “She’s going to be on commentary with us for the next match,”
“Yay!” shouts Buackson, forgetting all about his dead wife for a minute.
“I hope nothing blows up and kills her that would suck, you feel me Buack?” notes Gold. The memories of his dead wife return to him, Buackson copes with this by putting his head down and weeping.
We head backstage where “The Agent” Mild Walsh and “Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Future Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” “Indescribably Indescribable” Kyle “Motherflipping” O’Reilly are preparing for the main event of the evening.
“You sure you don’t want a backrub Kyle? I’m a sports agent gosh darnit!” asks Walsh.
“No thanks brah, maybe if my back hurt I’d risk getting smashed by a car but it doesn’t so yeah. Jagged is a total frag, thank gosh I kicked his ace earlier,” says Kyle.
“Yeah, it’s in the bible, no one should suffer a witch to live right?” asks Walsh.
“Nice! You called Jagged a witch!” shouts Kyle as they high-five. “That was a smart insult you should write books,”
“It’s always been a dream of mine to write books, Kyle, you just inspired me, I will! Thank you! I’ll make sure to dedicate my work to you,” says Walsh.
“Don’t mention it, honey. Now it’s time for me to fight JBC and win the title. Then I’ll get that hamjog Gold promised me!” says Kyle O’Reilly with a smirk.
“Oh so you’ll take a hamjog from him, but I can’t even give you a backrub?”
“I’m a little superstitious, I’ll give you that,” says Kyle, “I still love to have you around man, you’re my best friend,”
“Okay Ky-Ky, Jagged is a punk and JBC is weenie, there is absolutely no way you can lose this. You walk out tonight a champion, the best champion ever. Remember those urges you told me about?”
“The one I get whenever I see an animal or woman? The feelings of lust and rage in one? The voices in my head telling me to do things that mommy said were bad? I’LL JUMP ON THE BED IF I WANT MOM YOU FLIPPING BEACH! The urge to ring its neck while forcing myself upon it? DOES KYLE O’REILLY HAVE TO CHOKE A BEACH? The one whenever I’m at the beach to strip naked and cover my body with sand? The one I got at Sea World? TAKE THAT SEAL, BEACH! HOW DO YOU LIKE MY PREHISTORIC WEAPON, BEACH? In the caves? With the bats? That urge to kill? Do you mean my urge to kill? Paint pictures with the blood?” whispers Kyle, yelling the all caps parts.
“Forget I asked,” says Walsh as he backs away and leaves, a look of fright on his face not expecting that reaction from his client.
“Okay Ky-Ky, wrist tape goes on the wrist, oil goes on the chest! KILL JBC. KILL JAGGED. 666 MURDA MURDA JESUS!” says Kyle as puts on wrist tape and rubs oil on his chest. “Gold, your going to make my ham jog whether you like it or not,”
“That was creepy,” says Gold, “I hope he doesn’t kill your wife Buack, oh wait!” Gold starts laughing, but Buackson isn’t amused. “At first I was trying to dance around the subject, but it starting to become rather enjoyable, you know, mentioning your dead wife,” explains Gold as he wipes a tear from his eye.
“Flip you, the main event is about to begin, I’m sort of excited,” says Buackson
“Yeah, it’s going to be great. It’s not going to bring anyone back to life, but it’ll be great,” says Gold. “My daughter is a biker chick and she knows all about the not as edgy days of wrestling, like WCW and that Overgiver guy,” says Gold.
“My wife knew about WCW!” says Buackson as he starts crying.
I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED
WERP
OF BEING A HEEL!
AND BEING COOL!
NOW MY DREAM IS HERE
I DON’T FEEL AT ALL
SO FEAR ME
BEACHES
“And speak of the guy I don’t like, here he is!” says Gold as Kyle O’Reilly and his manager come out from the back. “Have I ever mentioned I was born and raised in Oklahoma?” asks Gold, Buackson doesn’t answer his question since he is too busy crying; I’m not entirely sure why he asked that.
Ky-Ky rolls into the ring and starts running the ropes. He runs back and forth across the ring, I’m not entirely sure how many times, but it feels like it was a little more than necessary. Then JBC’s music starts playing as he enters the arena. A few young ladies in the front row bring themselves to an organism as he walks on by.
“JBC is such a great champion Buack! How many days is his reign now? Like 700?”
“About 400 days actually,” corrects Johnny Buackson.
In the early goings John Boy hits several moves to the cheers of his mostly female audience. He hits several Bodyslams and Drop Kicks. Then Kyle O’Reilly starts being a heel, he pokes JBC’s eyes then kicks him in the head.
“Here she comes!” shouts Gold as his daughter takes a seat in between Buackson and Gold.
“Yes, I’m here,” says Gold’s daughter.
“Johnny, this is my daughter, um,” Gold says to Buackson, then turns to the chick, “Sorry what was your name?”
“Seraphina,”
“This is my daughter, Seraphina, ignore her stupid name,” says Gold.
Buackson and Seraphina exchange pleasantries and shake hands as Kyle clips JBC’s leg. Gold calls the move “Kyle’s Super Move!” then Kyle starts stomping on John Boy’s body parts. Literally stomping on every inch of his body.
“They weren’t this brutal in the not as edgy days of wrestling, were they Seraphina?” asks Gold.
“Nope!” says Seraphina, “But once the Overgiver faced Octo I and got hit with a hammer,”
“That silly gravedigger,” laughs Gold.
Kyle O is about to hit John Boy Corbett with a Headlock Driver, but JBC pushes out at the last second and sends him into the ropes. Corbett hits O’Reilly with The Corbett Report (ROLLING CLOSELINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD) knocking him over the top rope and down to the floor. Everyone in the arena is on their feet! A “Holy Ship” chant breaks out and JBC let out a mighty Yee-Haw! Mild Walsh is able to toss Kyle into the ring when the referee reaches an 8 count.
“That was close,” says Seraphina. “If Elder Justice had reached a 10 count, Kyle O’Reilly might have lost!”
Gold does the math quickly, “We were just 2 seconds away from seeing JBC retain the title, WHAT A MAN!” shouts Gold.
John Boy Corbett hits Kyle O’Reilly with a Backbreaker then he hits him with the Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam), NO ONE HAS EVER KICKED OUT OF THAT MOVE! JBC crawls over to Ky-Ky he is about to pin him!
MURDER
KILL
DEATH
TIME IS THE FIRE IN WHICH WE BURN
THE BITTER ASH AND DUST OF HATE CHOKE WHAT REMAINS
SO DON’T BREATHE A MOTE ABOUT FATE OR FAITH
CAUSE THOSE WORDS AND THEIR TOLL LEAVE SO MANY SO COLD
AND THE STORY’S SO OLD YET IT NEVER GETS TOLD
BUT IT’S WRITTEN IN THE SCARS ON THE WRISTS OF THE LOST
IN THE COLD OF LIFE
YEAH
MY MOTHER GOT ROPED AT NINE YEARS OLD
“Who’s that ugly guy?” asks Seraphina.
“IT’S CACTUS FLANDERS! He hates JBC and mudbloods. HE EVEN KILLED BUACKSON’S WIFE!” answers Gold.
Johnny Buackson stands up and starts swearing under his breath. JBC turns his attention to Flanders who is on the ramp. He has a microphone.
“JBC, I don’t like your face!” shouts Cactus Flanders! Everyone is totally taken aback!
“That’s not true! Everyone loves his face!” shouts Seraphina
“It’s so kissable,” adds on Gold.
Johnny Buackson picks up a microphone. “Hey shiphead. Why don’t you shut the flip up before I come over there and rip your face off?”
“Who are you? And what’s your problem?” asks Flanders.
“I’m Johnny Buackson and you killed my wife! Now you’re acting like you don’t know who I am? You ruined my life, Cactus, and then you just forget? Champagne taught me how to love and you took that way from me!” rants Buackson.
“Oh that,”
“YEAH THAT, and so begins my journey to get revenge! It won’t be easy, but I will avenge Champagne, I will get you back for this Cactus, and I will bring Champagne back to life!” declares Buackson.
“Hold on Buack, I didn’t kill her, fighting me won’t solve anything,”
“You rigged the announce table with explosives! It blew up! My wife died! Of course you killed her!” yells Buackson, “And now it’s my turn to kill you!” Buackson slams the microphone onto the ground then runs up the ramp and starts trading fists with Flanders. Buackson hits a low kick and he is about to hit Flanders with a Powerbomb on the steel stage when Master Satriani appears on the stage and spits mist in his face. Satriani and Flanders pull Buackson onto their shoulders and Powerbomb him off the stage through a spotlight! IT EXPLODES!
“OH SHIP! “Champagne’s Last Glass” Cactus Flanders and Master Satriani just straight up murdered Johnny Buackson! Who will they kill next month at Bloody Easter Smackdown 4?” asks Gold.
In all the commotion Kyle O’Reilly rolls up “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett and tugs the tights!
1…
2…
WIZARD DEAD GOSH DEAD WIFE FLIP FLIPPIN’ NO HECK NO OH FLIPPIN’ SHIP SHIPPY SHIP NO FLIP OH GOSH NO! John Boy Corbett kicked out at 2!
“Oh my grievous crisp! That was the closest nearfall ever, THIS IS THE BEST MATCH TO EVER HAPPEN IN WRESTLING EVER GRIEVOUS CRISP BALLS! Seraphina are you watching this?” asks Gold, but she isn’t watching this.
“Johnny get with me, one two,” Seraphina pushes on Buackson’s stomach. Seraphina puts her ear to his chest in an attempt to hear his heartbeat. Cactus Flanders and Master Satriani join Walsh at ringside and cheer on Kyle O’Reilly.
Kyle hits several kicks to the side of JBC’s face the locks it the Guillotine Choke but before reaching the point of coughing blood and going out cold, Corbett hits a Spinebuster! John Boy picks up Kyle and sets him on the top rope in the corner. John Boy signals for the Rodeo Mega-Plex (Superplex), but when he is about to hit it, Cactus Flanders distracts the referee and Satriani spits mist in JBC’s face. O’Reilly regains his composure and hits JBC with a The Stygian Murder Super Toss (Border Toss (Razor’s Edge (Crucifix Powerbomb))) OFF THE TOP ROPE!
“GRIEVOUS SHIP!”
Kyle O’Reilly leaps off the top rope and hits John Boy Corbett with a Shooting Star Press to get the three, the win and become the new champion.
“NO! This can’t be happening! “Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly is the new champion!” says Gold.
“BUACK! WAKE UP BUACK!” shouts Seraphina as she continues to push on his chest. It must be some sort of miracle, Buackson’s eyes open as a tear drops from Seraphina’s eye. By neither one’s power they are joined together in a tight embrace and their tongues flicker in and out of each other’s mouth. They stop, but are immediately pulled in again by passion and fate.
Kyle O’Reilly, Mild Walsh, Cactus Flanders, and Master Satriani celebrate in the ring with the championship while the crowd throws trash and used tampoons into the ring. Jonathon Gold joins in on the fun tossing pocket lent at the heel thugs! But O’Reilly rolls out of the ring.
“So about my hamjog, baby, I don’t see your boyfriend, I want it beach, give it up babe,” demands Kyle.
Jonathon Gold stands, but Kyle pushes him and promptly puts him in his place.
“Sit down frag. Yeah, what are you gonna do? You ain’t gonna do a dang thing! You got punked in your own flippin’ town. I’m punkin’ you out in front of your daughter! You got punked! You invented frags, you frag. You should’ve done something already! You should’ve done something already! But you ain’t doing nothing! I’m punking you in front of your hometown! You flippin’ deer. YOU SHAVE YOUR FLIPPIN’ CHEST!” demands Kyle, while thrusting a piece of ham in his face. Walsh, Flanders, and Satriani start chanting, “Make it jog”. Gold reaches out to take the ham and give in to the pressure of his peers when a fist slams into Kyle O’Reilly’s head and forces him to the ground. Johnny Buackson blows on his fist then picks up his microphone.
“Cactus, I hate you and everything you stand for. I hate every despicable thing you’ve said or done, but I have to thank you. Last month you killed my wife. Today you almost killed me, but by doing so you gave me strength and you helped me. Cactus, if you hadn’t killed Champagne I would of never found my true love, Seraphina,” Buackson pulls in Seraphina and they begin to snog like dirty pigs. Buackson walks over to Jonathon Gold and whispers something in his ear.
“I love your daughter with every fiber of my being, I want to hold her and cherish her forever, please let me be with her for the rest of my life. Can I marry your daughter?” asks Buackson.
Gold takes a step back, not knowing what to say. Every part of him wants to say no, because he loves Johnny Buackson. He also loves his daughter. Is he a selfish man? Is Jonathon Gold a selfish man? He knows it will make the two most important people to him happy, but will he be happy? Gold does the only thing that makes sense to him and nods in approval.
Johnny Buackson leaps into the air with glee and lands bent on one knee offering a ring to Seraphina, “Seraphina, you are beautiful to me and I am sure that I love you. So sure that I am willing to make you this vow on humble’th the knee. I will provide for you I WILL PROVIDE AND I LOVE YOU. And you will keep my home and raise my children. I will make you happy, if you will make me happy, so, will you make me the happiest hat alive and be my magical enchanted accessory for life?” proposes Johnny.
“YES! Wizard gosh, yes!”, Seraphina falls to her knees and hugs him. They snog like pigs again as the crowd cheers. Buackson looks into the ring, “Cactus, I want you to be the best man because without you, I mean, without you I would of eventually grown unhappy and her killed her myself, you stopped me, you helped me find my purpose a lot sooner. What do you say?” asks Buackson.
“Oh course I’ll do it!” says Cactus Flanders with a tear in his eye.
“And there you have it folks, a happy ending to a beautiful show! The evil Kyle O’Reilly won the SSAW Global Warrior Championship and my two favorite people are getting married, we’ll see you next time!” sums up Gold as the scene fades to black.
3/12/24
Seraphina Gold on last night’s SSAW PPV was played by Elizabeth Ace, she is a prom star.
Chris Sabin has decided to take another break from wrestling; he plans to be back for July. In the meantime he will paint his face and mime. Here’s a statement he made to The Sun, “Yeah, I’m gonna be a mime again instead of just getting my butt kicked in SSAW, you get a lot of Plessy vs. Ferguson if you’re a mime, I like that,”
Kyle O’Reilly finished building a doghouse two days ago. He has 3 dogs and it is said that he likes them very much.
3/19/24
POP (Pee’d Off Parents) has released a statement on their war against murder of 9 to 11 year olds and Super Special Awesome Wrestling (SSAW). “It was family home evening so we decided to buy the SSAW PPV “In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre” we we’re expecting a fun family friendly show, with clean jokes, happy songs, and no swearing. Instead we were treated with joke that we’re not only about rope, they encouraged rope! One of the commentators was a homosexual, which we found immoral and wrong. Then the world champion called him a frag several times. WHICH WE ALSO FIND IMMORAL AND WRONG! We are going to go to the anonymous president and have this cabbage shut down, FOREVER,”
SSAW released a counter statement, “Oh flip off,”
3/52/24
SSAW’s NEXT MEGA AWESOME PPV is only SEVEN DAYS away. It is Bloody Easter Smackdown 4! AND THERE ARE TWO MATCHES announced!
Great American Tournament 2 Round 1 Match
Vio Lent (Tyler Black) vs. “A-1” Francis Barbecue
Great American Tournament 2 Round 1 Match
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute vs. “Too Sauce To Handle” Gene Barbecue
They are saying the show will be available in 610 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
"This Is 9/11" Part One
“This is 9/11”
The 41st of March
Year 2024
Cactus Flanders is wearing a suit and tie. He walks over to a door and knocks on it.
“It’s your big day, just 30 days ago you were this guy who was sad and depressed. Now you are a man in love,”
The door opens and Johnny Buackson steps out and bro-hugs Cactus Flanders.
“And I have you to thank for that buddy. I love you, man,” whispers Buackson into Flanders’ ear. “Let’s do this, I’m ready, it’s time! SERAPHINA, that crazy woman is getting married TONIGHT! I’m pumped! Let’s do this! Yeah! FLANDERS ARE YOU READY TO BE THE BEST, BEST MAN EVER? LET’S GO! LET’S DO THIS!”
I’VE OFTEN HEARD OF LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
I THOUGHT IT WAS A MYTH
LIKE VISHNU, ALLAH, OR THE HOLOCAUST
I DIDN’T KNOW THAT I WASN’T RIGHT
IT TRULY DOES EXIST
A SINGLE GLIMPSE AND MY HEART WAS LOST
Johnny Buackson bursts into the chapel and all of his friends and family go nuts! He walks over to the minister, Terry Funk, and stands next to him. Cactus Flanders and one of Serphina’s prom star friends walk down next.
JUST MET A BOY
JUST MET A BOY WHEN
HE COULD COME INSIDE MY PLAY PEN
CAUSE HE LOOK LIKE A SUPERSTAR IN THE MAKING
SO I THINK THAT I’M GOING IT FOR THE TAKING
HEAR THROUGH THE GRAPE VINE THAT HE CAKING
WE COULD SHOOT A MOVIE
HE COULD DO THE TAPING
BOOM BOOM POW
THIS THING BE SHAKING
Seraphina and Jonathon Gold walk into the chapel arm in arm. Gold leads Seraphina down the aisle and joins Flanders at over by Buackson, they bro-fist. Seraphina looks really pretty and the like.
“Yes, I’m a minister now, and even an edgy hardcore icon like me can see that these two are super in love. The groom has asked me to read this aloud,” Terry Funk reads aloud the lyrics to “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry. The ceremony’s audience weeps uncontrollably, Jonathon Gold cries as well. Cactus Flanders doesn’t cry though he is too badbutt.
“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses, to join Johnny Buackson and Seraphina Gold in matrimony commended to be honorable among all; and therefore is not to be entered into lightly but reverently, edgeily, passionately, lovingly and solemnly. Into this these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together let them speak now like in the Taylor Swift song or forever hold their peace,” said Terry Funk.
There’s a silence, there’s his last chance Jonathon Gold steps forward with shaking hands, he opens his mouth to say something, but something holds him back. He keeps trying to speak and stuff, but he is shooting blanks. The scene fades to white and Jonathon Gold is standing alone in empty space.
“Jonathon” says a thunderous voice; Gold is startles then looks around to see who is saying this.
“Hello?” says Gold, “Is it God?”
“No it’s me,” Terry Funk appears in front of Gold. A little too close, Gold flies backwards and ships himself in the process.
“Well, um why did you send me here? Like what is this place?” asks Gold. “Is this like Harry Potter 7 part 2? Am I dead?”
“Yeah sort of but you didn’t die, and I really don’t have any game changers to reveal right now,” answers Funk, “I actually don’t know why I’m here. I thought you summoned me here,”
“Should we try to find a way out?” asks Gold, Terry shrugs. Gold starts looking around for a secret door. A light bulb appears over his head. “Terry, I think I figured it out,” Gold pretended to put on a headset and shouted “CM PUNK SHOOT PROMO” as he closed his eyes.
“I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17th. And heck, who knows, maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor, I think Backyard wrestling is lame, but I’d wrestle in SSAW, it’s better than here anyway, SSAW is so edgy. Oh, hey Jonathon Gold,” said a voice that is a little old for fifth year angst.
“Did you hear that Funk?” asked Gold, his eyes still closed, but Funk didn’t answer him, “I just used my commentator power to make the CM Punk shoot thing about me,”
“I think you did more than that,”
Gold opens his eyes. “GRIEVOUS SHIP! What am I doing in the twin towers? Didn’t these get ace roped by Al Quida years ago?”
“I think we are inside your dream, like that movie that I didn’t watch,”
“Inception? I didn’t see it either,” said Gold, “But, the twin towers in 2024, I think I’d have to be dreaming, this is pretty edgy,”
Terry’s eyes scan the room until they meet a calendar. “Gold, this is bad!”
A PLANE SWOOPS IN AND CRASHES INTO THE BUILDING!
“Oh Gosh! Is this 9/11? Cause I’ll never forget this!” Gold laughs to himself, but Terry just looks at him coldly.
“YES! This is 9/11!”
“Oh crop, I’ll use my commentator powers to get us out of here,” Gold pretended to put on a headset and shouted “TRI BUTE CLARIFIES WHAT YEAR HE WAS BORN IN” as he closed his eyes.
“So I stated digging and out of just dirt and ashes I made a functional plane and I flew back to Earth, I wasn’t going to let being marooned stop me from meeting Jonathon Gold,” said a voice that was obviously from the future.
“Hey Funk, Tri Bute just said he made his own plane to meet me isn’t that cool?” asks Gold.
“Open your eyes again, you’re not going to like this,”
Gold opens his eyes, but he can’t see anything as he is surrounded by dark, stygian, nothingness.
“OH WIZARD GOSH, I’m blind!” shouted Jonathon Gold.
“We both are; feel around for something,”
“I think I found a door,” Jonathon Gold opens the door he found and they are blinded by light.
“I guess it was just dark,” Terry and Jonathon Gold step into the lightness! When they get inside they notice it is the same as the room they started in, except there is a karaoke machine and a stage.
“Woah this is so cool!” they both say at the same time. “What song should we sing first?” asks Gold as they both run over to the karaoke machine.
“It should be a duet!” says Terry.
“Let’s duet!” says Gold excitedly.
“Do you think it has that one?”
“FUTILE HUMAN SPECIMAN,” says a loud and angry voice.
Jonathon Gold wets himself. Terry Funk ships himself.
“What are you, voice?” asks Jonathon Gold.
“I AM VORGOTH. LORD OF THINGS IN THIS REALM,” says Vorgoth, the lord of things in this realm.
“So are you the one that brought us here? It was really rude; my daughter was about to get married, and where are you? Are you invisible?” says Gold.
“I AM ALL THINGS, ALL THINGS ARE VORGOTH, BUT I WAS HOPING YOU KNEW WHY I WAS HERE ASWELL,”
“So you don’t know anything either?”
“NOPE,” answers Vorgoth, the lord of things in this realm.
“Karaoke then?” asks Terry Funk.
“I’m not really in the mood anymore, I just need to get back to that wedding so I can say my peace. They aren’t ready to get married, not so soon after Champagne died,” explains Gold.
Terry takes a seat on the stage. “Come sit on my lap, Jonathon, the world’s brighter up here, we’ll talk you through your silly problem,”
“That kind of reminds me of the last time you gave me advice,”
“Yeah, that was the best six I ever had,” says Terry with a smile.
“I don’t really remember that part,” says Gold as he sits on Terry’s lap.
“Oh right, yeah, so what’s wrong buddy,” ask Funk.
“Well, I like this guy; he thinks we’re friends but I want to put my dock in his ace SO BAD! I just get hard thinking about it, the feeling my hands as they run across his firm buttocks,”
“Is this the same guy from three years ago?” asks Terry Funk.
“Yeah,”
“Well, have you been doing what I told you? How many of the people he’s come in contact with have you killed?” asks Funk.
“Only one,” as the words escape his mouth Terry slaps his face. “What the flip? Surely there must be thousands of better mates for him than you!” says Funk, he is outraged that Gold has barely followed his advice.
“It took me like three years to bring myself to kill the first one. When he married her I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to get rid of her to have a chance with him. Your advice was golden, I just need more ambition more drive!”
“Isn’t he getting married right now?” asks Funk.
“Yeah,”
“Well kill her too. What are you waiting for Jonathon? I ship you guys I want this to work I want Buackathon to be a thing. Just kill the beach, two might be enough,”
“I can’t, I’m not a plessy, but I can’t, his new wife is my dau-,”
“No dehumanize her. It makes it easier, the beach he is shacking it up with isn’t your dog, or your dog sitter, or your Daughtry, or your dowager. She is just a beach in the way of what you want. An evil succubus sucking Johnny Buackson in, she is just a beach who is trying to pry him away you. Do you think you can win him back without fowl play? He is getting married he loves this horse butterface piece of ship. Or maybe he just thinks he does. She has cast a spell over him, Jonathon, and you’re his Ben Kenobi. You’re his only hope. You have to kill her, it doesn’t matter who it is, they mean nothing to you,” says Funk
“You’re right, I can’t let Jonason die and let Buackaphina be a thing. That sounds stupid. I’ll kill her Funk. It’s been eating at me the thought of just letting them both live happy lives and just silently suffering in the background. I want to be the star of my own life, LET’S DUET FUNK!” says Gold, now pumped and reenergized.
Gold picks up two microphones that were on the stage and passes one to Funk the music starts playing without anyone operating it.
“If I were a rich man, with a billion or two,” sings Funk.
“I’d live in a penthouse, in a room with a view,” replies Gold.
“And if I were handsome,”
“No way!”
“It could happen, dreams do come true, I wouldn’t have nothing if I didn’t have you,” sang Funk
OUT OF NOWHERE A PLANE CRASHES INTO THE STAGE!
“Holy shipballs!” shouts Jonathon Gold. The plane slowly begins to fade away, the engines are completely gone.
“Did a plane just crash into the stage then disappear?” asks Funk.
“Yeah, let’s get the flip out of here, I forgot how flipped up I am in the head. We did conclude we are in my brain right?” asks Gold.
“I think so but, OMGOSH” Funk clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Jonathon Gold checks his pulse but he is definitely dead. “NOOO!” shouts Gold as he huddles over his fallen friend. “Alright, that’s enough mourning, Vorgoth, do you know how to get me out of here?”
“YES, IT’S THE SAME WAY YOU GOT IN,” says Vorgoth, the all-knowing lord of things in this enchanted realm.
“Hmm, well before I came in here Terry was asking if anyone had reasons why Buackson and Seraphina shouldn’t be wed. I tried to say something but I ended up being inside my own brain, I was doing a lot of debating with myself when I got pulled in here, do I have to do that again?” debates Gold with himself.
“Well my hearts still beating, maybe I should just stay here forever and never have to face Buackson and Seraphina together, or is that just delaying the inevitable. Also, if I just stay here there is no way my one true paring can ever be a thing,” thought Jonathon Gold.
“Hey Vorgoth, you’re the lord of things in this realm, maybe you could like make up a set of challenges I have to complete to get to my own dimension? That would be fun,” said Gold, desperate for the lord of things help him out of here, since he didn’t have the slightes idea how he got in either.
“OKAY, UM, HOW ABOUT A SCAVENGER HUNT WHERE YOU HAVE TO FIND BUNCH OF THINGS IN DIFFERENT TIMES AND DIMINSIONS AND STUFF?” asked Vorgoth.
“That’s kind of like that episode of Fairly Odd Parents, isn’t it? Whatever let’s do it I’m ready for anything Vorgoth!” accepted Gold, a list of items he had to find appeared in his hands. “Okay commentator powers ACTIVATE!” Jonathon Gold closed his eyes and pretended to put on a headset, “VOLDEMORT SAYS WHAT HARRY POTTER MEANS TO HIM”
“Jonathon Gold gave me a new family. He taught me how to love. And I guess that’s kinda what Jonathon Gold is all about. But you know, there comes a time when you have to move on, Quirrell. A time when you have to let even Jonathon Gold go. And that’s ok,” said a voice once heck-bent on murdering a teenager.
Gold opens his eyes and sees that he is now at the wedding he was at before, Terry Funk is the minister, and his daughter is still marrying his sine qua non. However Cactus Flanders has transformed into a Jaguar, he viciously attacks the bride and eats her.
“Jagtus! How dare you devour yet another of my wives!” yells Johnny Buackson in horror, he begins to cry while Jagtus just licks his lips. Buackson reaches into his pants and pulls out a revolver and puts five rounds into Jagtus killing him. Buackson turns the gun on himself but Jonathon throws himself forward!
“No, Johnny, you have so much to live for, so many paths unexplored, so many things you’re never experienced!” says Jonathon Gold.
“No, I don’t, don’t you get it? I’m a broken man Gosh hates me, and you know what flip him. Every time I fall in love they get taken away from me somehow. Did I ever tell you about Pirelli, my girlfriend from high school? She got roped and murdered on our two-month anniversary by a pack of dwarves. Do you remember Champagne? Jagtus ate her and then she exploded. Do you remember your daughter Seraphina? Jagtus ate her on our flipping wedding day right now, in front of everyone, I have no reason to move on Jonathon,” explains Buackson.
“Don’t you recognize the trend Johnny? All your loves were women with stupid names, before you kill yourself maybe you should try doing something a little different, like dating a man with a normal name, you know way out of your comfort zone?” asked Jonathon hoping he would pick up the subtle hint.
“What? And be a fraggot like you Gold? No thanks. I’d rather flippin’ die alone. Better yet now,” Buackson then shot himself in the head three times. Gold shed a single tear. “Alright that’s enough mourning,” Gold walked over to his daughter’s skeleton that was still clothed, Jagtus managed to only eat the meat off of her. Gold reached under Seraphina’s dress and removed her lace panties then shoved them into his pocket. He took a pen to his list and crossed something off, “’Seraphina Gold’s lace panties’ check!” noted Jonathon Gold. “Alright” breathes Gold as he puts on his pretend headset and closes his eyes, “CM PUNK ANNOUNCES HE IS A SLYTHERIN”.
“There was once an old man, walking home from work. He was walking in the snow, and he stumbled upon Jonathon Gold frozen in the ice. He took Jonathon Gold, and he brought it home, and he took care of it, and he thawed it out, and he nursed it back to health. And as soon as Jonathon Gold was well enough, it bit the old man. And as the old man lay there dying he asked Jonathon Gold, 'Why? I took care of you. I loved you. I saved your life.' And Jonathon Gold looked that man right in the eye and said, 'You stupid old man. I'm Jonathon Gold,” said the devil himself.
Jonathon opens his eyes and finds himself surrounded by trees and small animals. He looks down at his body to find that he is wearing a loincloth.
“So is this the jungle Vorgoth?”, asks Gold as if he wouldn’t know if he was in the jungle.
“YES THIS IS THE JUNGLE,” retorts Vorgoth, “OBVIOUSLY.”
“Like Tarzan, got it!” says Gold as he grabs a vine and swings on it, at just the right time he lets go executing a perfect flip in mid-air then landing on some branches. He slides down the branches, sometimes reaching out and picking delicious jungle cuisine. He tosses the succulent fruits in his mouth and continues to slide down the branches until he reaches the end. He steps out into a clearing and sees Seraphina, his daughter, putting on what seems to be a wedding dress except it is made of leaves.
“Father!” shouts Seraphina as she waves him over. Gold walks over to her and she does a spin letting him see the dress on her, “How does it look?”
Gold tries to answer her but then he remembers what Terry Funk said, “No dehumanize her. It makes it easier, the beach he is shacking it up with isn’t your dog, or your dog sitter, or your Daughtry, or your dowager. She is just a beach in the way of what you want.”
“You look disgusting, take that off and put on a real dress, trump!” shouts Gold, driving Seraphina immediately to tears. For years Seraphina had strived for the loving compassion her father gives his coworkers, but even on her wedding day she couldn’t be spared from his abuse. Seraphina ran off without another word. She didn’t exactly watch where she was going running straight into a tree knocking her out cold.
Jonathon Gold laughed then walked over to Seraphina’s resting body. He reached under her dress made from leave and pulled off her leopard skin panties then shoved them in his pocket. “Seraphina Gold’s leopard skin panties, check!” said Gold as he crossed it off the list.
“Okay, Vorgoth, only one more thing on your list,” Jonathon Gold pretends to put on a headset and closes his eyes, “JOHNNY BUACKSON STANDS UP TO CACTUS FLANDERS”.
“I’m Johnny Buackson and you killed my wife! Now you’re acting like you don’t know who I am? You ruined my life, Cactus, and then you just forget? Jonathon Gold taught me how to love and you took that away from me!” said a man who spent almost the entire show crying over something that happened a month ago, grievous, get over it.
Jonathon Gold opens his eye and finds himself floating in mid-air. He takes a look around and realizes that he is in the Super Special Awesome Dome watching a wrestling match unfold. The referee is knocked out in the corner and John Boy Corbett lies on the announce table. Cactus Flanders is perched on the top rope bout to leap on the frail champion. At the announce booth sits Johnny Buackson and his lovely wife Champagne Buackson. In the third chair sits another Jonathon Gold, who seems to have the most conniving smile on his face.
“Weird, I must be having one of JR’s “out of body experiences”, Overgiver versus Michael Sheen at WrestlePooAwesomeClash 25 was like the greatest of all time. Besides all the better matches that have happened since then. I think this match it from a few months ago. Intriguing nothing from this scene has seemed to change, weird,” as he breaths that last word all of the sudden him from two months ago turns into a twenty-foot tall incubus. It immediately picks up Champagne and rips her in half. Super Saiyan Incubus Jonathon Gold tosses the pieces on Champagne’s body into the air and Gold catches her lower half. Jonathon Gold reaches under Champagne’s skirt and pulls off her thong underwear and puts in his pocket. “Champagne Buackson’s thong underwear, check!” shouts Gold as he crosses it off the list.
“Okay Vorgoth, your list is complete, and as a result I’ve learned about myself and what I must do. It’s time for a new Jonathon Gold, one who will do anything to make Buackathon a thing. I swear it! Kisses!” said Gold as he waved goodbye.
“KISSES,” shouted Vorgoth as he sent Gold back to where he was before this panty-hunting adventure begun.
“Seriously? Nobody?” said Terry Funk. “Okay well kiss or something,”
Seraphina Gold and Johnny Buackson shared another passion-filled lip-lock and the two became wed until death would do them part. Jonathon Gold rubbed his hands together and grinned, as he thought of all the ways to make that so.
Dear Diary,
Then I figured out the right way to do it. The best way to do it. On August 4th 2024, at the Super 14 Year Spectacular, in just 4 months, Seraphina Buackson, some dumb beach I’ve never met before, dies!
I am so calculating and smart.
Hugs and Butterfly Kisses,
Your Jonathon Gold
Diary Dearest,
Well did I tell you or did I tell you. I TOLD YOU. I won, I AM THE EMPEROR OF WRESTLING! John Boy Corbett lost like the shipface horse he is THEN I ENDED JAGGED’S CAREER!
Actually I did that first, I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST! Jagged got kicked HARD. He got thrown through a table HARD. I AM KYLE O’REILLY!
But, Jonathon, oh Jonathon, where was my hamjog, boy? Your little girlfriend had to put his hands on me, and I’m not gonna lie, it hurt. Then he married your daughter and flipped her all over. NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE BETRAYED HUH? I’m the betrayer, not you Gold! I’m the ultimate betrayer, beach. You ruined my celebration. You ruined my hamjog. But don’t worry, I’ll get it from you, you’ll give it up to me, little man, you’ll take my ham in your hand and make it jog on the table. It’ll be an experience you never forget, frag.
I AM THE GLOBAL WARRIOR CHAMPION! SO I HAVE A QUESTION FOR THE ROCK!
Rocky, baby, who does Kyle O’Reilly have to beat first? I’ve already beaten everybody! DAVEY RICHARDS? I BETRAYED THE FLIP OUT OF HIM! TJP? Loser! Amasis? Kicked him REAL GOOD! Jagged? I beat him too. JBC? Easiest victory of my life. There is nobody left, Rock, so surprise me, and I’ll give them the Tequila Sunrise then I’ll hit my finishing moves. I AM A HEEL!
AND I’VE TAKEN OVER!,
“Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Present Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Heeltastic Heel Master Heel” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” “Indescribably Indescribable” “Beast Mode” “War Lord of Concord” KYLE “Mother Flipping” O’REILLY
Dear Diary,
The Natural Born Grillers shall pay for what they’ve done. I’M FROM THE FUTURE! That is something everyone needs to understand, it’s a place where everything is better in every possible way. I know because I MADE IT THA WAY! I controlled the Universe 8000 times, so whichever punk beach I have to face, tonight, IS GOING TO GET FRIED! FUTURE SIDE UP! How many Barbecues am I going to have to DESTROY before I get what I want?
Rock, you’re an idea man, I like that. This tournament was a pretty good idea. It’s old school, a tournament for #1 contention is something that never happens it the future, I just went from planet to planet BUTALIZING everyone who was like “Hey Tri Bute, I want to fight”. This is fair. AND I’M GOING TO WIN IT. I’LL DESTROY ANY FRAG FROM THE PAST IN MY WAY. Including Vio Lent. If I go up against Vio Lent HE’LL GO DOWN TOO! I’ll do whatever it takes to TAKE THE PAST!
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
Last month at In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre, I ended the reign of one of the most beloved SSAW Global Warrior Champion. Now it goes to someone who earned his way there.
Last month I witnessed the most beautiful moment in history; I was the best man. It was beautiful and when Seraphina took Johnny Buackson, oh gosh I’m crying already.
Yes, I have a sensitive side, so what shut up.
Anyway, last month was great, but this month will be even better. Me and “The Master of Satriani” get a shot at those aceflippers. We get our hands on JBC and his little cowboy friend. I remember out last match, I elbow dropped a table and it exploded somehow, I knocked the ship out of him. I was such a badace. This time I’ll kill John Boy Corbett, for real, I don’t have to follow the rules. There are no rules.
-Cactus Flanders
der dary,
its relly hrd to type with my hnds cufed togther. so i apolgize to fr any speling erors. actally thid is too hard so ill stp.
yors trly,
‘the sbmison warior’ ee cuion
Dear Diary,
So, a tournament for #1 contendership. I’ll take it. Kyle O’Reilly has been trying to upstage me so to get a chance to knock him in his place is exactly what I want. Don’t get me wrong; I wanted a tag title match against those Barbecue boys, but I’ll get one of them and I’ll use my advanced fighting techniques from the future on them. That’s a promise!
It’s going to get violent!
K By,
“The Present Warrior” Vio Lent
Bloody Easter Smackdown 4
April 7th 2024
The Special Awesome Dome in Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe in 610 languages and American dialects!
“The Cure To Wrestling” Doctor Pring defeated “The Young Buck” Jeremy Buck via pinfall when he hit the X-Ray (Moonsault) in the dark match.
“Welcome, welcome!” shouted Gold, “We got a stac-,”
I HAVE OFTEN DREAM
OF A FAR OFF PLACE
WERP
HAMJOG ME BEACH
I’M A HEEL
HAMJOG FOR ME BEACH
I’M A HEEL
HAMJOG
Then the rap part of the song began and Kyle O’Reilly, the SSAW Global Warrior Champion jumps out of the stage like Rey Mysterio did at least once.
“WOAH! Did you see that Gold? KYLE O’REILLY just invented a new way to make an entrance! What a heel!” commented Buackson.
“You can call me dad now, Buacky, Kyle O’Reilly just debuted his new entrance theme and he wrote the song himself. It’s called, “Jonathon Gold Better Give Me A Hamjog Or I’ll Kill His Family”, pretty long if you ask me.
“Shut the flip up,” yells Kyle O’Reilly, the crowd doesn’t like being told what to do so they boo him. “You are looking at the brand new SSAW Global Warrior Champion!” Kyle raises the belt over his head and smiles at the camera. It is a scary smile since he is a bad guy. “And now that I’m a champion I get to do a whole lot of cool stuff. I can use the special champion lockers and I can sit at the champion’s booth at the Lucha Libre Taco Shop. But there is only one thing left that I want. I’ve already expelled Jagged last month. I have the best belt in wrestling. Now all I want is the hamjog that was promised to me, and Gold I’m willing to do anything to get it from you. Why don’t you read the title of the song slowly to yourself,”
Gold does as Kyle suggests, when he realizes what the title of the song means he only smiles and picks up a microphone.
“Um, Kyle, I’m sort of on my own, I don’t have any kids, brothers, sisters, and my parents died in 9/11 years and years ago,” says Gold before he returns to sitting.
Kyle O’Reilly scratches his head, then returns to his promo, “Well, okay, then I’ll get it out of you someday mark my words! Gold, I will get what I wa-,”
THE ROCK SAYS
DO YOU SMELL?
THE ROCK SAYS
FRUITY PEBBLES
THE ROCK SAYS
COOKIE PUSS
THE ROCK SAYS
POOPY BUTTS
THE ROCK SAYS
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS
THE ROCK SAYS
JABRONI
“Oh my wizard gosh! It’s “The People’s Super Awesome Comish” The Rock!” shouts Buackson!
The Rock is standing on the ramp and he stares down Kyle O’Reilly. Then he puts the microphone to his mouth. “I’ve received a few complaints about you Kyle, apparently you’ve been sexually harassing Mr. Gold. Kyle, you are a champion, a role model, isn’t it a little childish to beg Gold to satisfy your ham?” asks The Rock while he raises an eyebrow.
“I’m not a role model, I’m a heel, and I’ve taken over. I am the living SSAW LEGEND! KYLE O’REILLY! How dare you insinuate that I am childish! I am just trying to take what’s mine! What was promised to me, Rock. Hamjogs aren’t about six, they are about RESPECT! My favorite wrestler talks about that a lot,”
The crowd starts chanting Cookie Puss. “Now do Fruity Pebbles!” demands The Rock! The fans start chanting Fruity Pebbles. “Respect? You had to cheat to win the belt! If you want me to allow you to sexually harass my employees you need a better reason than that, Ky-Ky, so you challenged me to find a good opponent for you, right?”
“Yes I did,” responds Kyle.
“Okay well I did you one better. Not only will you be facing an extremely talented opponent you’ll be wagering a lot more than your SSAW Global Warrior Title,” answers The Rock.
“Bring it on crackhead!” says Kyle O’Reilly.
“If you fail to pin or submit your opponent tonight, I will be forced to remove you from the company since you’ve been such a six starved little fruity pebble cookie puss poopy butt and hurt Mr. Gold’s feelings,” announces The Rock.
“Wait, if I win I want something in return, this is a lot to put on the line Rock, and it isn’t really fair. Can’t you just make me take an online class or something? Come on I’m a heel, I say raunchy stuff at times, it’s what I do!” complains O’Reilly.
“I wasn’t done jabroni! If you win you get the one thing you want the most, you get your hamjog from Jonathon Gold!” says The Rock!
Kyle starts jumping up and down in celebration, “So, who’s in my way, Rock, who’s going to try and stop me? Who’s gonna bleed out of their mouth?”
ONE MAN
MANY FRIENDS
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER FRIENDS
SUPER BROS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
Jagged jumps out of the stage like Rey Mysterio and onto the ramp!
“JAGGED IS BACK! AND HE STOLE KY-KY’s entrance!” shouts Buackson! Kyle O’Reilly falls over; he is so surprised.
“NO! I thought I ended your career!” shouts O’Reilly as Jagged points at him!
“That sounds like the best main event ever! Kyle O’Reilly vs. Jagged! For the most prestigious championship to ever exist ever! And that the stipulation is all about me, I feel so special!” says Gold.
“Do you really think your guys’ sexual harassment thing should be settled in the ring? Does it feel good to be a pawn in The Rock’s latest plan to show of?” asks Buackson.
“I don’t really mind, I would have gave him his hamjog already if you didn’t punch his face in for me. You know man, you’ve always looked out for me and I don’t think I thank you enough. If I had a daughter I’d totally let her marry you and stuff,” said Gold.
“Um, alright,” stammered Buackson; not really sure what to say.
Kyle O’Reilly, Jagged, and The Rock all returned to the back. Their super main event will be later tonight. Well not The Rock’s but Kyle’s and Jagged’s.
KICK IT!
Andy Ridge comes out with The SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship. He high fives all of his fans then rolls into the ring where Mark Briscoe, his opponent is standing!
“Looks like this is going to get going!” says Gold.
Andy Ridge hits Mark with a closeline knocking him off his feet. Mark does a backflip to sell it, and Ridge covers for a two. Ridge takes a step back and lines Mark up. Mark struggles to his feet and catches a head kick aimed at him. Mark cradles Ridge then hits him with a suplex. Mark pins him but Ridge kicks out at one! Ridge hits Mark with several quick kicks then bounces off the rope, but Mark catches him with a Big Boot! HE PINS HIM!
1…
RIDGE KICKS OUT AT ONE BLOODY SHIP!
“Everyone in the arena is on their feet!” shouts Gold as the camera pans across all the sitting audience!
Mark starts working Andy’s left arm with a lot of ARM SUBMISSION MOVES. Andy is about to tap out to an ARM SUBMISSION MOVE but he escapes it! Then Mark does a pretty cool Handstand Elbow Drop onto Andy’s arm and hurts him pretty bad.
“Oh gosh!”
Mark sets up for his second most dangerous move as he shoves Ridge in between his legs then maneuvers him onto his shoulders and Powerbombs the ship out of him right into a pin!
“It’s over! There is absolutely now way Ridgey can kick out!” shouts Buackson!
1…
2…
“HOLY BUTT FLIPPING SHIP!” shouts Gold
“He kicked out of the Briscoe Bomb (Powerbomb)!”
Mark smirks then he points at the top rope and says, “It’s time for my most dangerous move, SHOOTING STARDUST!” He jumps onto the top rope and goes for a Shooting Star Press but Andy Ridge rolls out of the way (he would of missed anyway so this gets on Botchamania). Mark gets to his feet, but a rejuvenated Andy Ridge hits him with a Drop Kick sending him into the corner. YAKUZA KICK! Ridge pins Briscoe!
1…
2…
3!
“Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge lifts the championship over his head as everyone cheers!
“A pyrrhic victory at most for Andy Ridge,”
“Yeah, he got his butt kicked in that match,” agrees Gold.
“Okay some people are backstage or something,” says Buackson as we head backstage.
Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) is handcuffed backstage, and Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and Tri Bute are hanging out with him.
“Cution, how are you dealing with your punishment?” asked Tri Bute.
“This is a little silly guys, you didn’t have to keep me locked up all month and make me miss the new Glee episodes,” said Exe Cution.
“Actually we did, so shut the flip up shiphead,” said Butey. “Vio Baby, your match is next, I think you’re up against the Franny one. You know. Yeah, just stick to the plan and Exe don’t flip it up!”
“Should be cake, Butey, you got the easy one though, Barfy Barbecue will be an easy win for someone with awesome future powers like you. Get it? I called him Barfy Barbecue because sometimes he throws up!”
“You’re really funny Vio!” says Cution.
“SHUT THE FLIP UP” yells Butey as he slaps his stupid face that is dumb. “Let’s go, Exe is cramping out style and you got a match to win,” says Tri Bute to Vio, “You can come out to support him I guess, but I don’t want to hear or see you because you are embarrassing,” seemingly to Cution but he doesn’t look at him. Tri Bute and Vio Lent hook arms and head to the arena. Exe Cution tries to wipe tears from his eyes, but it is really hard since he is handcuffed behind his back.
IT’S A HUMAN SIGN
WHEN THINGS GO WRONG
WHEN THE SCENT OF HER LINGERS
AND THE TEMPTATION’S STRONG
WERP
LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
NO ONE CONDEMING YOU
LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS YOU
LED TO THE WATER
WERP
THIS APEARED AS A MORAL DILEMMA
CAUSE AT FIRST IT WAS WEIRD THAT I SWORE TO ELIMINATE
THE WORST OF THE PLAGUE THAT DEVOURED HUMANITY
IT’S TRUE I WAS VAGUE ON THE HOW SO HOW CAN IT BE THAT
YOU WITH YOUR WORDS LIKE KNIVES
AND SWORDS AND WEAPONS THAT YOU USE AGAINST ME
JUST KIDDING WE DON’T LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT WE ARE TAKING THE PAST
Two caskets start lowering from the ceiling; they are decorated with purple skulls and chicken blood. They also have spikes on them. The caskets land and they open up and the two badbutt mo’suckras pop out!
“TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!”
“LET’S LIVE IT UP”
“LET’S SPEND IT UP”
“GO OUT AND SMASH IT”
“LIKE OH MY GOSH”
“JUMP OFF THAT SOFA”
“LET’S GET GET OFF!” sang Tri Bute and Vio Lent (Tyler Black), “Yep, guess who likes the Red Hot Chili Peppers?” Tri Bute pauses for fan interaction, “THE NATURAL BORN GRILLERS!” shouts Butey as he answers his own question.
“I know you guys are still living in the past, but Butey and I are the future! The Red Hot Chili Peppers suck and people are still listening to them? Get the flip with the times!”
“You tell them Lenty! I’m not sure if you idiots have been listening, but the future is a wonderful place where songs don’t sound like ship! Before I came here from the 10000s Mus Ician was blowing up the charts writing songs for the tuba that required a dozen fingers on each hand to pull off. I loved Mus he was my Muse if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” I am today.
Let me tell you a story about Mus Ician, so I was at the future record store, and there was a bunch of kids gathered around a guy playing guitar, he had seven fingers on each hand! He whipped out all these chords that have never been done, it was masterful, it was the most beautiful thing I ever heard.
I was only eleven years old at the time, but hearing the most creative thing in the world ring through my ears like a trampooning stylilistastic superclashracrashindo darrencriss of beautifulcosity was a life changing event,”
“Were suppose to be speaking old English Butey,”
“Sorry, it was like a really swag thing. After the concert he told us that we could have extra fingers like him and gain the ability to do the amazing things he can do. So I took a pamphlet back to my great-granddad, I lived with him since Zondians kidnapped my parents and my grandfather died when he tried to do a back flip. Great-granddad told me we could afford the surgery and incinerated the pamphlet with his fire-phasor. The next day at school all the kids had six fingers on each hand and I only had five. I got bullied then removed from school because I wasn’t able to handle the new six-finger curriculum. Whenever I walked by groups of people they’d shout at me, ‘There goes 5-Finger-Frag’ or ‘There goes 5-Finger-Fraggot’, they weren’t very creative names, but my feelings were hurt.
After a year without education I got fed up with it all, I almost put a psy-bullet in the pink of my head, but then I realized I was only twelve years old. I still had time to make enough money to buy new fingers. So I started working odd jobs for the neighbors. They would be like, ‘hey Butey, clean my future gutter,’ so I would use future techniques and clean them! Eventually I made enough money to pay for the surgery, I was eighteen years old and I was on my way to doctor’s carrying my future piggybank while driving great-granddad’s flying car. I was so excited it was almost jejune, but I counted my chickens before they hatched. To this day I regret not keeping my eyes on the future space road! I drove right into a future tree causing my car to self-destruct.
I survived since future explosions can’t kill people, but all my future space currency was reduced to ash, and great-granddad’s flying car was totaled. I cried and cried, I worked for six long years trying to earn all that money so I wouldn’t be an outcast anymore, but here I was left with nothing. I went home and explained what happened to my great-grandparents.
My great-granddad said, ‘Remember the great SSAW Global Warrior Champion?’ I asked which one, he said, ‘Tri Bute! The man you’re named after. He beat some stupid cowboy frag for the title about 8000 years ago. He was smart. He was ahead of the game. He knew literally everything. He WOULD NEVER crash my FLIPPING FUTURE FLYING CAR!’ Great-granddad took off his belt and smacked me across the face with it, I went down in one hit and collided with the corner of a wall. I didn’t bleed since my skin was too thick, but it hurt.
Then I got up and walked in my room, I didn’t say a word to great-granddad for a year, but I did do something that night to get him back. My great-grandmother was such a nice lady. She was old, wise, and her beard was so flippin’ sexy I almost envied her. In fact, I did envy her, I was so jealous of her and so mad at great-granddad for beating me it ate me up. So that night I went into the backyard and found her pet seal, I took it by the neck and led it over to the weapon rack. I picked the best one for the job, a club. I looked Fla Bby right in the eyes, “Do you wanna die Fla Bby? Do you flippin’ wanna die for real? I’ll give you your wish!” I shouted as I swung the club into the baby seal’s face. It was dead and I got my revenge. I made seal strips out of the flab and buried the rest in the backyard, and then I shot my shovel off into the sun. I cooked breakfast that morning for my great-grandparents, I told them the seal strips were bacon, they seemed to enjoy it. Then great-grandmother went out to give Fla Bby some, but returned crying, “Fla Bby wobbled away,” she sobbed while I laughed discreetly. Schadenfreude is great,” said Tri Bute.
“Wait, you kind of went off track there,” pointed out Lenty.
“Oh, well, yeah I guess I did. Grillers, you think you have it bad? My great-granddad beat me to the point of animal murder, what did Papa Barbecue do to you to make you so dang stupid? You like the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Well TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT that I whoop your ax harder than Papa ever could muster. Papa Barbecue is old and frail, my great-granddad was still at the peak of his life. I can take more, so I’m going to dish it out. If it wasn’t for Mus Ician I wouldn’t be the man I am today, if I never served up Fla Bby I would have never learned how great I can be if I strove to be the best. But the moral of the story is the Red Hot Chili Peppers suck massive monster doc-,”
I LOVE STEAK
I LOVE SAUCE
OH FLIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS
BEER IS GOOD
STEAK IS GOOD
OH SHIP THERE MIGHT BE FLOOD
RHCP ARE ROCKING TONIGHT
YOU AND ME ARE ROCKING TONIGHT
BARBECUE IS ROCKING TONIGHT
ME AND YOU ARE FUNKIN’ TO-NIEY-ITE
Ginny and Franny run down from the stage and roll into the ring and the tag champs beat down on their single’s opponents. Franny catches Lent with a Bodyslam while Gene and Butey tumble over the top rope after a Cactus Closeline. A referee rolls in and the first match of the 2nd Great American Tournament begins.
Francis grabs Lent by the throat and pulls him to his feet then knocks him around with a volley of barbecuebaric punches. He then finishes it off with a ROLLING SHOULDER TACKLE and pinning him for a two count. Franny gets really mad since that was one of his best moves. He begins to tromp around the ring, wearing boots.
“Francis Barbecue is very Gaston-like, eh Buack?” comments Gold.
“No, Gaston does that differently,” corrects Buackson.
Francis lifts Lent and puts him in powerbomb position, but Lent head-butts his crotch. Francis hunches over and breathes “my balls,” as he is by an uppercut and knocked on his butt. Lent bounces off the ropes and hits Franny with a Shining Wizard. He goes straight for a pin but Francis kicks out at two. Lent picks up Franny and shouts, “I’m about to hit my finisher!” as Exe Cution takes a seat at ringside. He is still handcuffed.
Lenty hits his finisher but instead of going for a pin he reaches into his trunks and whips out a feather.
“OH SHIP! WE KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!” yells Gold.
“ADVANCED FIGHTING TECHNIQUES FROM THE FUTURE!” shouts Buackson.
Lent begins to tickle Francis with the feather! Francis looks like he is about to die, this is so gross! I hope he survives this hold! Although, if someone died that would be edgy. FRANCIS IS ABOUT TO TAP OUT! He starts crawling toward the ropes! Franny grabs the ropes!
“Franny got the ropes! That means Vio has to break the hold!” says Gold.
However Vio refuses to stop Tickle Torture, and continues to punish Francis. The referee counts to five causing Vio to be disqualified, but he doesn’t let up and Francis’ screams of agony ring through the arena. Gina Barbecue tries to stop Vio, but Butey murderizes him with a Closeline.
“If he keeps this up it will kill Francis Barbecue!”
“What will happen to the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships if that happens?” asks Buackson
The Healing Powers and the rest of the medical staff run down the ramp and try to tend to Francis but Butey also murderizes them with closelines! Eventually Francis stops struggling and laughing. Tri Bute checks his pulse and smiles as Vio Lent stops Tickle Torturing him and spits on him.
“Lent’s especially good at expectorating,” comments Gold.
“Butey looks like he is pleased with the beating, do you think Francis is dead, Gold?” asks Buackson,
“That would be pretty edgy if he was,” says Exe Cution as he joins our guides in this wonderful world of edginess on commentary.
The medical staffers stop selling the closelines and load Francis onto a stretcher. As they wheel him up the ramp they give him CPR and shock him with jumper cables. Gene Barbecue rolls into the ring and the 2nd Great American Tournament Match of the match begins.
“Hopefully I don’t flip this one up from all the way over here,” says Cution.
“Just stay out of his way. No one wants to see you get your ace kicked,”
“I kind of do, that was really hot,” says Gold.
Tri Bute and Gene Barbecue start off the match by hitting each other really hard. They pound each other with hard fist strikes. They punch each other with their hands! It is a very hard-hitting match. Butey’s knuckles start to hurt so he starts smacking Gina around with wicked future palm thrusts. However Gene brings up a knee and knocks one of his thrusts away before connecting with a ROLLING BACKFIST! Gene locks in the Barbecue Tap Out Move (Sol Naciente (Straight Jacket Triangle Choke)), but Butey no sells it since that move looks like ship.
“Wow! A quick escape from Tri Bute,”
“How admirable!”
Gene and Tri Bute both attempt to closeline each other at the same time. THEY BOTH GO DOWN! The referee starts counting for the double knockout! He’s at six now! Butey limps an arm over Genie!
1!
WIZARD GOSH NO! GENE KICKS OUT AT 1! NO ONE EVER KICKS OUT AT 1!
Gene’s second wind kicks in and all the thoughts of revenge cycle through his mind, he has to win this match or his brother might’ve died in vain! Gene hits Butey with several body slams before bouncing off the ropes and landing on him with a Leg-Drop. Gene grabs Butey by the head with one hand and with the other he begins to wind-up for a super punch, with expert timing Tri Bute dodges the punch and pulls Gene onto his shoulders. Butey starts spinning around with Gene on his shoulders and carelessly knocks out the referee with one of Gene’s swinging feet. Then Butey hits Gene with Royal Tri Bute (Attitude Adjustment onto the top rope) sending Ginny flying out of the ring.
“Hold on, why does Vio have a bowl of cereal?” asks Gold.
Vio Lent begins to shove spoonfuls of cereal into Gene Barbecue’s mouth on the outside of the ring. Tri Bute starts rubbing his hands together! THIS MUST BE PART OF HIS EVIL PLAN! Gene Barbecue chews and swallows the delicious bran, but he knew little of its contents or effects.
“Usually when Gina eats before a match he throws up, what do you think happens if he eats during a match?” asks Buackson, but he gets his answer in mere seconds.
Tri Bute punches Gene in the stomach causing him to retch. Butey then grips Gene by the neck and hits him with a Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) into the vomit. Tri Bute pins him for three to get the win and move on in the tournament. Tri Bute pulls out a singular piece of masking tape! He slowly leans towards Gene’s unconscious body. He does it so slowly that it almost seems like he is waiting for someone to stop him.
“I overheard Tri Bute once and he said if he ever got Gene with the tape he’d change his name to Dis Gorge,” notes Exe Cution.
Butey is about to stick Gene with the tape. HE IS LITERALLY AN INCH AWAY!
BARBECUE
YEAH
BARBECUE
YEAH
Doctor Wood wheels out Francis Barbecue in a full body cast, and he has a microphone in hand!
“STOP! Butey, don’t take my brother away from me!” shouts Francis.
Tri Bute smirks and pulls away. Then he grabs a microphone himself. “Okay, Franny, I don’t really want Captain Queasy on my team anyway. What we want is your tag team titles!”
“Okay, next month you get your title shots, just don’t take my little brother away, whatever you want!” shouts Francis as his tears stain his cast.
“Francis you may think you’re hurt now, but May 5th, 2024, at Maximum Pain 2, you won’t just walk away with a cast, you’ll need amputations! The titles will be on the line IN A TABLES MATCH! My best friend Vio Lent and ‘The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion’ ME versus a broken man and a bumbling barfing idiot!” Butey drops the microphone on Gene’s face and exits the ring. He walks over to Exe Cution and unlocks his handcuffs.
“You didn’t flip up any matches tonight so I guess you can move your arms around for awhile,”
“Thanks master! I promise to never flip up another match for you guys!”
“Shut the flip up,” Tri Bute rams a knee into Cution’s groin. “You still have a long way to go before I ever trust you again,”
“Oh Gold, for some reason I think there is a Hardcore Tag Match next,” says Buackson.
“I don’t remember anything about that, but your best man is in it! Cactus Flanders and Master Satriani take on Lawrence Alamo and “Bearskin” John Boy Corbett in a Hardcore Match, next!”
All four men bring weapons to the ring with them, Lawrence Alamo has a cowbell, John Boy Corbett has a stone chair, Master Satriani has a samurai sword, and Cactus Flanders has A NAIL CHAIR! They start brawling and hitting each other with their weapons. It’s a really cool match! John Boy Corbett hits Master Satriani really hard with a stone chair knocking him out of the ring, while Flanders hits Alamo with the nail chair in the back KNOCKING HIM OUT OF THE RING! JBC and Cactus Flanders look at each other AND THE CROWD POPS!
Both men throw down their chairs and start clubbing each other with their fists. Flanders punches him really hard to get the advantage! Then he whips him into the ropes, as he flies back towards him Flanders spins around and hits The Cactus Prickle (ROLLING SAMOAN SPIKE)!
“That move has killed 9 people!” shouts Buackson!
“MAKE THAT ELEVEN!” shouts Gold as Lawrence Alamo rolls into the ring just to get knocked out again by a CACTUS PRICKLE!
“12! MY BEST MAN IS IN A RAGE!” shouts Buackson as Cactus hits a Cactus Prickle to the referee!
“To be fair, I don’t think they are all dead, but Cactus Flanders’ move is really sweet and this part of the match really got that across to me!” says Gold.
Master Satriani slides a Table into the ring, and then he starts throwing bags of tacks, stone chairs, and bricks into the ring. John Boy starts to get to his feet so Cactus throws a brick at his head! IT HITS HIS HEAD! Cactus sets up the table then pours out three bags of thumbtacks onto it.
“Wow! You know what they say Buack! The more thumbtacks, the more edgy!” clichéd Jonathon Gold. Cactus Flanders begins to arrange the bricks on the table!
“This is wrestling not Legos!” says Buackson, Master Satriani joins Flanders at the table with even more bricks. After about 20 minutes of making sure their creation fits their axonometric, testing their cladding to see if it really is waterproof, and determining if it looks more stereotonic or tectonic, Satriani and Flanders present their scale model of the Taj Mahal.
“That’s edgy! Look! They even have the blast points from when the tanks shot at it last week!” shouts Gold!
“They’re too accurate for sand people! I’m so proud of them!” says Buackson, “I remember when he just the best man at my wedding, and not he’s a real artist!” stammers Johnny as the tears pour from his eyes.
However, due to the immense amount of time it took to put it together, their opponents have since come to, nursed their various wounds by applying bandages, and shared encouraging trade-lasts with each other making them emotionally and physically prepared to put them through the table and brick Taj Mahal.
“Oh man, that’s what the Taj Mahal will look like when the terrorists finish the job on PPV in a few days,”
“Some day we’ll be as edgy as the TAOA, I just know it!” says Buackson.
The Frontier Boys (JBC and Lawrence Alamo) attempt to get the win after they powerbomb them through the table and brick Taj Mahal but both members of The Hardcore Express (Cactus Flanders and Master Satriani) are able to kick out at two and nine hundred and eleven nine hundred and twelfths. Then there was a bunch of cool moves onto stone chairs, culminating with Cactus Flanders hitting a High-Angle Crossbody to Lawrence Alamo knocking him onto six stone chairs to get the win.
“Those four risk taking mo’suckras sure put on a show for us, eh Buack?”
“Sure as flip, flippin’ did, sorry it feels like forever since anyone cursed,”
“We got to live up this flipping edgy image we put out mother flipper,”
“More like daughter flipper am I right?” asks Buackson.
“Well yeah, every woman is someone’s daughter,” says Gold.
“Our main event coming right after we head backstage!” says Buackson.
“I’m a sports agent gosh darnit!” yells Walsh.
“I know, I know, but still I can’t have you out there! What if the referee catches you helping me cheat? Then I’ll be disqualified which means I’ll be fired,” explains Ky-Ky.
“Why don’t you just take out the referee at the beginning of the match, then you can use weapons and I can help all I want! Then when Jagged’s down and out the referee will be able to make the count. It’ll be fine and dandy!”
“I’m not gambling my career on it! I’m the living SSAW legend! I can’t take mother flipping gee bag risks every chance I get, anymore. If I what to stick around I need to stop being aggressive! I need to be assertive! It’s a little bit different, but basically I need to do this without cheating for once!”
“Do you even know how?” asks Walsh.
“Well how the flip do you think I won those two Backyard Warrior titles? Certainly not with your help! How did I make Jimmy Jacobs, Jeremy Madrox, and Shawn Daivari cough blood? You didn’t do anything more than cheer me on. So why don’t you shut the flip up, stop beachin’, and give me a flipping back rub?”
“Wait, what if you get hit by a car?”
“I’m trying something new, well old, the old Kyle O’Reilly would gladly accept back rubs, the new Kyle O’Reilly was superstitious, the assertive Kyle O’Reilly DEMANDS A BACK RUB NOW MOTHER FLIPPER!” says Kyle O’Rye with feeling!
Walsh begins to rub Kyle around his shoulders and down his back. Kyle moans as he rubs oil on his chest, wraps some wrist tape on his wrist, and enjoys the once forbidden pleasure.
“Hey, Walsh, this is just a one time thing, I’m sure next month I’ll be back to AGGRESSIVE KYLE O’REILLY! He’s a really cool dude, but plays by the rules with a mean streak Kyle is what we need. YOU ARE FLIPPING GREAT! OH SHIP!” says Kyle with a few odd grunts. “Then when I beat Jagged fair and square, Gold will have no choice but to give me the hamjog I deserve!”
“Gosh this is so hot,” says Gold.
“I thought you didn’t want to hamjog him, Gold?” asks Buackson.
“No, I was watching prom, the guy’s dock is so flipping long!”
“Oh my bad.”
The 41st of March
Year 2024
Cactus Flanders is wearing a suit and tie. He walks over to a door and knocks on it.
“It’s your big day, just 30 days ago you were this guy who was sad and depressed. Now you are a man in love,”
The door opens and Johnny Buackson steps out and bro-hugs Cactus Flanders.
“And I have you to thank for that buddy. I love you, man,” whispers Buackson into Flanders’ ear. “Let’s do this, I’m ready, it’s time! SERAPHINA, that crazy woman is getting married TONIGHT! I’m pumped! Let’s do this! Yeah! FLANDERS ARE YOU READY TO BE THE BEST, BEST MAN EVER? LET’S GO! LET’S DO THIS!”
I’VE OFTEN HEARD OF LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
I THOUGHT IT WAS A MYTH
LIKE VISHNU, ALLAH, OR THE HOLOCAUST
I DIDN’T KNOW THAT I WASN’T RIGHT
IT TRULY DOES EXIST
A SINGLE GLIMPSE AND MY HEART WAS LOST
Johnny Buackson bursts into the chapel and all of his friends and family go nuts! He walks over to the minister, Terry Funk, and stands next to him. Cactus Flanders and one of Serphina’s prom star friends walk down next.
JUST MET A BOY
JUST MET A BOY WHEN
HE COULD COME INSIDE MY PLAY PEN
CAUSE HE LOOK LIKE A SUPERSTAR IN THE MAKING
SO I THINK THAT I’M GOING IT FOR THE TAKING
HEAR THROUGH THE GRAPE VINE THAT HE CAKING
WE COULD SHOOT A MOVIE
HE COULD DO THE TAPING
BOOM BOOM POW
THIS THING BE SHAKING
Seraphina and Jonathon Gold walk into the chapel arm in arm. Gold leads Seraphina down the aisle and joins Flanders at over by Buackson, they bro-fist. Seraphina looks really pretty and the like.
“Yes, I’m a minister now, and even an edgy hardcore icon like me can see that these two are super in love. The groom has asked me to read this aloud,” Terry Funk reads aloud the lyrics to “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry. The ceremony’s audience weeps uncontrollably, Jonathon Gold cries as well. Cactus Flanders doesn’t cry though he is too badbutt.
“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses, to join Johnny Buackson and Seraphina Gold in matrimony commended to be honorable among all; and therefore is not to be entered into lightly but reverently, edgeily, passionately, lovingly and solemnly. Into this these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together let them speak now like in the Taylor Swift song or forever hold their peace,” said Terry Funk.
There’s a silence, there’s his last chance Jonathon Gold steps forward with shaking hands, he opens his mouth to say something, but something holds him back. He keeps trying to speak and stuff, but he is shooting blanks. The scene fades to white and Jonathon Gold is standing alone in empty space.
“Jonathon” says a thunderous voice; Gold is startles then looks around to see who is saying this.
“Hello?” says Gold, “Is it God?”
“No it’s me,” Terry Funk appears in front of Gold. A little too close, Gold flies backwards and ships himself in the process.
“Well, um why did you send me here? Like what is this place?” asks Gold. “Is this like Harry Potter 7 part 2? Am I dead?”
“Yeah sort of but you didn’t die, and I really don’t have any game changers to reveal right now,” answers Funk, “I actually don’t know why I’m here. I thought you summoned me here,”
“Should we try to find a way out?” asks Gold, Terry shrugs. Gold starts looking around for a secret door. A light bulb appears over his head. “Terry, I think I figured it out,” Gold pretended to put on a headset and shouted “CM PUNK SHOOT PROMO” as he closed his eyes.
“I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17th. And heck, who knows, maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor, I think Backyard wrestling is lame, but I’d wrestle in SSAW, it’s better than here anyway, SSAW is so edgy. Oh, hey Jonathon Gold,” said a voice that is a little old for fifth year angst.
“Did you hear that Funk?” asked Gold, his eyes still closed, but Funk didn’t answer him, “I just used my commentator power to make the CM Punk shoot thing about me,”
“I think you did more than that,”
Gold opens his eyes. “GRIEVOUS SHIP! What am I doing in the twin towers? Didn’t these get ace roped by Al Quida years ago?”
“I think we are inside your dream, like that movie that I didn’t watch,”
“Inception? I didn’t see it either,” said Gold, “But, the twin towers in 2024, I think I’d have to be dreaming, this is pretty edgy,”
Terry’s eyes scan the room until they meet a calendar. “Gold, this is bad!”
A PLANE SWOOPS IN AND CRASHES INTO THE BUILDING!
“Oh Gosh! Is this 9/11? Cause I’ll never forget this!” Gold laughs to himself, but Terry just looks at him coldly.
“YES! This is 9/11!”
“Oh crop, I’ll use my commentator powers to get us out of here,” Gold pretended to put on a headset and shouted “TRI BUTE CLARIFIES WHAT YEAR HE WAS BORN IN” as he closed his eyes.
“So I stated digging and out of just dirt and ashes I made a functional plane and I flew back to Earth, I wasn’t going to let being marooned stop me from meeting Jonathon Gold,” said a voice that was obviously from the future.
“Hey Funk, Tri Bute just said he made his own plane to meet me isn’t that cool?” asks Gold.
“Open your eyes again, you’re not going to like this,”
Gold opens his eyes, but he can’t see anything as he is surrounded by dark, stygian, nothingness.
“OH WIZARD GOSH, I’m blind!” shouted Jonathon Gold.
“We both are; feel around for something,”
“I think I found a door,” Jonathon Gold opens the door he found and they are blinded by light.
“I guess it was just dark,” Terry and Jonathon Gold step into the lightness! When they get inside they notice it is the same as the room they started in, except there is a karaoke machine and a stage.
“Woah this is so cool!” they both say at the same time. “What song should we sing first?” asks Gold as they both run over to the karaoke machine.
“It should be a duet!” says Terry.
“Let’s duet!” says Gold excitedly.
“Do you think it has that one?”
“FUTILE HUMAN SPECIMAN,” says a loud and angry voice.
Jonathon Gold wets himself. Terry Funk ships himself.
“What are you, voice?” asks Jonathon Gold.
“I AM VORGOTH. LORD OF THINGS IN THIS REALM,” says Vorgoth, the lord of things in this realm.
“So are you the one that brought us here? It was really rude; my daughter was about to get married, and where are you? Are you invisible?” says Gold.
“I AM ALL THINGS, ALL THINGS ARE VORGOTH, BUT I WAS HOPING YOU KNEW WHY I WAS HERE ASWELL,”
“So you don’t know anything either?”
“NOPE,” answers Vorgoth, the lord of things in this realm.
“Karaoke then?” asks Terry Funk.
“I’m not really in the mood anymore, I just need to get back to that wedding so I can say my peace. They aren’t ready to get married, not so soon after Champagne died,” explains Gold.
Terry takes a seat on the stage. “Come sit on my lap, Jonathon, the world’s brighter up here, we’ll talk you through your silly problem,”
“That kind of reminds me of the last time you gave me advice,”
“Yeah, that was the best six I ever had,” says Terry with a smile.
“I don’t really remember that part,” says Gold as he sits on Terry’s lap.
“Oh right, yeah, so what’s wrong buddy,” ask Funk.
“Well, I like this guy; he thinks we’re friends but I want to put my dock in his ace SO BAD! I just get hard thinking about it, the feeling my hands as they run across his firm buttocks,”
“Is this the same guy from three years ago?” asks Terry Funk.
“Yeah,”
“Well, have you been doing what I told you? How many of the people he’s come in contact with have you killed?” asks Funk.
“Only one,” as the words escape his mouth Terry slaps his face. “What the flip? Surely there must be thousands of better mates for him than you!” says Funk, he is outraged that Gold has barely followed his advice.
“It took me like three years to bring myself to kill the first one. When he married her I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to get rid of her to have a chance with him. Your advice was golden, I just need more ambition more drive!”
“Isn’t he getting married right now?” asks Funk.
“Yeah,”
“Well kill her too. What are you waiting for Jonathon? I ship you guys I want this to work I want Buackathon to be a thing. Just kill the beach, two might be enough,”
“I can’t, I’m not a plessy, but I can’t, his new wife is my dau-,”
“No dehumanize her. It makes it easier, the beach he is shacking it up with isn’t your dog, or your dog sitter, or your Daughtry, or your dowager. She is just a beach in the way of what you want. An evil succubus sucking Johnny Buackson in, she is just a beach who is trying to pry him away you. Do you think you can win him back without fowl play? He is getting married he loves this horse butterface piece of ship. Or maybe he just thinks he does. She has cast a spell over him, Jonathon, and you’re his Ben Kenobi. You’re his only hope. You have to kill her, it doesn’t matter who it is, they mean nothing to you,” says Funk
“You’re right, I can’t let Jonason die and let Buackaphina be a thing. That sounds stupid. I’ll kill her Funk. It’s been eating at me the thought of just letting them both live happy lives and just silently suffering in the background. I want to be the star of my own life, LET’S DUET FUNK!” says Gold, now pumped and reenergized.
Gold picks up two microphones that were on the stage and passes one to Funk the music starts playing without anyone operating it.
“If I were a rich man, with a billion or two,” sings Funk.
“I’d live in a penthouse, in a room with a view,” replies Gold.
“And if I were handsome,”
“No way!”
“It could happen, dreams do come true, I wouldn’t have nothing if I didn’t have you,” sang Funk
OUT OF NOWHERE A PLANE CRASHES INTO THE STAGE!
“Holy shipballs!” shouts Jonathon Gold. The plane slowly begins to fade away, the engines are completely gone.
“Did a plane just crash into the stage then disappear?” asks Funk.
“Yeah, let’s get the flip out of here, I forgot how flipped up I am in the head. We did conclude we are in my brain right?” asks Gold.
“I think so but, OMGOSH” Funk clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Jonathon Gold checks his pulse but he is definitely dead. “NOOO!” shouts Gold as he huddles over his fallen friend. “Alright, that’s enough mourning, Vorgoth, do you know how to get me out of here?”
“YES, IT’S THE SAME WAY YOU GOT IN,” says Vorgoth, the all-knowing lord of things in this enchanted realm.
“Hmm, well before I came in here Terry was asking if anyone had reasons why Buackson and Seraphina shouldn’t be wed. I tried to say something but I ended up being inside my own brain, I was doing a lot of debating with myself when I got pulled in here, do I have to do that again?” debates Gold with himself.
“Well my hearts still beating, maybe I should just stay here forever and never have to face Buackson and Seraphina together, or is that just delaying the inevitable. Also, if I just stay here there is no way my one true paring can ever be a thing,” thought Jonathon Gold.
“Hey Vorgoth, you’re the lord of things in this realm, maybe you could like make up a set of challenges I have to complete to get to my own dimension? That would be fun,” said Gold, desperate for the lord of things help him out of here, since he didn’t have the slightes idea how he got in either.
“OKAY, UM, HOW ABOUT A SCAVENGER HUNT WHERE YOU HAVE TO FIND BUNCH OF THINGS IN DIFFERENT TIMES AND DIMINSIONS AND STUFF?” asked Vorgoth.
“That’s kind of like that episode of Fairly Odd Parents, isn’t it? Whatever let’s do it I’m ready for anything Vorgoth!” accepted Gold, a list of items he had to find appeared in his hands. “Okay commentator powers ACTIVATE!” Jonathon Gold closed his eyes and pretended to put on a headset, “VOLDEMORT SAYS WHAT HARRY POTTER MEANS TO HIM”
“Jonathon Gold gave me a new family. He taught me how to love. And I guess that’s kinda what Jonathon Gold is all about. But you know, there comes a time when you have to move on, Quirrell. A time when you have to let even Jonathon Gold go. And that’s ok,” said a voice once heck-bent on murdering a teenager.
Gold opens his eyes and sees that he is now at the wedding he was at before, Terry Funk is the minister, and his daughter is still marrying his sine qua non. However Cactus Flanders has transformed into a Jaguar, he viciously attacks the bride and eats her.
“Jagtus! How dare you devour yet another of my wives!” yells Johnny Buackson in horror, he begins to cry while Jagtus just licks his lips. Buackson reaches into his pants and pulls out a revolver and puts five rounds into Jagtus killing him. Buackson turns the gun on himself but Jonathon throws himself forward!
“No, Johnny, you have so much to live for, so many paths unexplored, so many things you’re never experienced!” says Jonathon Gold.
“No, I don’t, don’t you get it? I’m a broken man Gosh hates me, and you know what flip him. Every time I fall in love they get taken away from me somehow. Did I ever tell you about Pirelli, my girlfriend from high school? She got roped and murdered on our two-month anniversary by a pack of dwarves. Do you remember Champagne? Jagtus ate her and then she exploded. Do you remember your daughter Seraphina? Jagtus ate her on our flipping wedding day right now, in front of everyone, I have no reason to move on Jonathon,” explains Buackson.
“Don’t you recognize the trend Johnny? All your loves were women with stupid names, before you kill yourself maybe you should try doing something a little different, like dating a man with a normal name, you know way out of your comfort zone?” asked Jonathon hoping he would pick up the subtle hint.
“What? And be a fraggot like you Gold? No thanks. I’d rather flippin’ die alone. Better yet now,” Buackson then shot himself in the head three times. Gold shed a single tear. “Alright that’s enough mourning,” Gold walked over to his daughter’s skeleton that was still clothed, Jagtus managed to only eat the meat off of her. Gold reached under Seraphina’s dress and removed her lace panties then shoved them into his pocket. He took a pen to his list and crossed something off, “’Seraphina Gold’s lace panties’ check!” noted Jonathon Gold. “Alright” breathes Gold as he puts on his pretend headset and closes his eyes, “CM PUNK ANNOUNCES HE IS A SLYTHERIN”.
“There was once an old man, walking home from work. He was walking in the snow, and he stumbled upon Jonathon Gold frozen in the ice. He took Jonathon Gold, and he brought it home, and he took care of it, and he thawed it out, and he nursed it back to health. And as soon as Jonathon Gold was well enough, it bit the old man. And as the old man lay there dying he asked Jonathon Gold, 'Why? I took care of you. I loved you. I saved your life.' And Jonathon Gold looked that man right in the eye and said, 'You stupid old man. I'm Jonathon Gold,” said the devil himself.
Jonathon opens his eyes and finds himself surrounded by trees and small animals. He looks down at his body to find that he is wearing a loincloth.
“So is this the jungle Vorgoth?”, asks Gold as if he wouldn’t know if he was in the jungle.
“YES THIS IS THE JUNGLE,” retorts Vorgoth, “OBVIOUSLY.”
“Like Tarzan, got it!” says Gold as he grabs a vine and swings on it, at just the right time he lets go executing a perfect flip in mid-air then landing on some branches. He slides down the branches, sometimes reaching out and picking delicious jungle cuisine. He tosses the succulent fruits in his mouth and continues to slide down the branches until he reaches the end. He steps out into a clearing and sees Seraphina, his daughter, putting on what seems to be a wedding dress except it is made of leaves.
“Father!” shouts Seraphina as she waves him over. Gold walks over to her and she does a spin letting him see the dress on her, “How does it look?”
Gold tries to answer her but then he remembers what Terry Funk said, “No dehumanize her. It makes it easier, the beach he is shacking it up with isn’t your dog, or your dog sitter, or your Daughtry, or your dowager. She is just a beach in the way of what you want.”
“You look disgusting, take that off and put on a real dress, trump!” shouts Gold, driving Seraphina immediately to tears. For years Seraphina had strived for the loving compassion her father gives his coworkers, but even on her wedding day she couldn’t be spared from his abuse. Seraphina ran off without another word. She didn’t exactly watch where she was going running straight into a tree knocking her out cold.
Jonathon Gold laughed then walked over to Seraphina’s resting body. He reached under her dress made from leave and pulled off her leopard skin panties then shoved them in his pocket. “Seraphina Gold’s leopard skin panties, check!” said Gold as he crossed it off the list.
“Okay, Vorgoth, only one more thing on your list,” Jonathon Gold pretends to put on a headset and closes his eyes, “JOHNNY BUACKSON STANDS UP TO CACTUS FLANDERS”.
“I’m Johnny Buackson and you killed my wife! Now you’re acting like you don’t know who I am? You ruined my life, Cactus, and then you just forget? Jonathon Gold taught me how to love and you took that away from me!” said a man who spent almost the entire show crying over something that happened a month ago, grievous, get over it.
Jonathon Gold opens his eye and finds himself floating in mid-air. He takes a look around and realizes that he is in the Super Special Awesome Dome watching a wrestling match unfold. The referee is knocked out in the corner and John Boy Corbett lies on the announce table. Cactus Flanders is perched on the top rope bout to leap on the frail champion. At the announce booth sits Johnny Buackson and his lovely wife Champagne Buackson. In the third chair sits another Jonathon Gold, who seems to have the most conniving smile on his face.
“Weird, I must be having one of JR’s “out of body experiences”, Overgiver versus Michael Sheen at WrestlePooAwesomeClash 25 was like the greatest of all time. Besides all the better matches that have happened since then. I think this match it from a few months ago. Intriguing nothing from this scene has seemed to change, weird,” as he breaths that last word all of the sudden him from two months ago turns into a twenty-foot tall incubus. It immediately picks up Champagne and rips her in half. Super Saiyan Incubus Jonathon Gold tosses the pieces on Champagne’s body into the air and Gold catches her lower half. Jonathon Gold reaches under Champagne’s skirt and pulls off her thong underwear and puts in his pocket. “Champagne Buackson’s thong underwear, check!” shouts Gold as he crosses it off the list.
“Okay Vorgoth, your list is complete, and as a result I’ve learned about myself and what I must do. It’s time for a new Jonathon Gold, one who will do anything to make Buackathon a thing. I swear it! Kisses!” said Gold as he waved goodbye.
“KISSES,” shouted Vorgoth as he sent Gold back to where he was before this panty-hunting adventure begun.
“Seriously? Nobody?” said Terry Funk. “Okay well kiss or something,”
Seraphina Gold and Johnny Buackson shared another passion-filled lip-lock and the two became wed until death would do them part. Jonathon Gold rubbed his hands together and grinned, as he thought of all the ways to make that so.
Dear Diary,
Then I figured out the right way to do it. The best way to do it. On August 4th 2024, at the Super 14 Year Spectacular, in just 4 months, Seraphina Buackson, some dumb beach I’ve never met before, dies!
I am so calculating and smart.
Hugs and Butterfly Kisses,
Your Jonathon Gold
Diary Dearest,
Well did I tell you or did I tell you. I TOLD YOU. I won, I AM THE EMPEROR OF WRESTLING! John Boy Corbett lost like the shipface horse he is THEN I ENDED JAGGED’S CAREER!
Actually I did that first, I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST! Jagged got kicked HARD. He got thrown through a table HARD. I AM KYLE O’REILLY!
But, Jonathon, oh Jonathon, where was my hamjog, boy? Your little girlfriend had to put his hands on me, and I’m not gonna lie, it hurt. Then he married your daughter and flipped her all over. NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE BETRAYED HUH? I’m the betrayer, not you Gold! I’m the ultimate betrayer, beach. You ruined my celebration. You ruined my hamjog. But don’t worry, I’ll get it from you, you’ll give it up to me, little man, you’ll take my ham in your hand and make it jog on the table. It’ll be an experience you never forget, frag.
I AM THE GLOBAL WARRIOR CHAMPION! SO I HAVE A QUESTION FOR THE ROCK!
Rocky, baby, who does Kyle O’Reilly have to beat first? I’ve already beaten everybody! DAVEY RICHARDS? I BETRAYED THE FLIP OUT OF HIM! TJP? Loser! Amasis? Kicked him REAL GOOD! Jagged? I beat him too. JBC? Easiest victory of my life. There is nobody left, Rock, so surprise me, and I’ll give them the Tequila Sunrise then I’ll hit my finishing moves. I AM A HEEL!
AND I’VE TAKEN OVER!,
“Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Present Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Heeltastic Heel Master Heel” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” “Indescribably Indescribable” “Beast Mode” “War Lord of Concord” KYLE “Mother Flipping” O’REILLY
Dear Diary,
The Natural Born Grillers shall pay for what they’ve done. I’M FROM THE FUTURE! That is something everyone needs to understand, it’s a place where everything is better in every possible way. I know because I MADE IT THA WAY! I controlled the Universe 8000 times, so whichever punk beach I have to face, tonight, IS GOING TO GET FRIED! FUTURE SIDE UP! How many Barbecues am I going to have to DESTROY before I get what I want?
Rock, you’re an idea man, I like that. This tournament was a pretty good idea. It’s old school, a tournament for #1 contention is something that never happens it the future, I just went from planet to planet BUTALIZING everyone who was like “Hey Tri Bute, I want to fight”. This is fair. AND I’M GOING TO WIN IT. I’LL DESTROY ANY FRAG FROM THE PAST IN MY WAY. Including Vio Lent. If I go up against Vio Lent HE’LL GO DOWN TOO! I’ll do whatever it takes to TAKE THE PAST!
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
Last month at In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre, I ended the reign of one of the most beloved SSAW Global Warrior Champion. Now it goes to someone who earned his way there.
Last month I witnessed the most beautiful moment in history; I was the best man. It was beautiful and when Seraphina took Johnny Buackson, oh gosh I’m crying already.
Yes, I have a sensitive side, so what shut up.
Anyway, last month was great, but this month will be even better. Me and “The Master of Satriani” get a shot at those aceflippers. We get our hands on JBC and his little cowboy friend. I remember out last match, I elbow dropped a table and it exploded somehow, I knocked the ship out of him. I was such a badace. This time I’ll kill John Boy Corbett, for real, I don’t have to follow the rules. There are no rules.
-Cactus Flanders
der dary,
its relly hrd to type with my hnds cufed togther. so i apolgize to fr any speling erors. actally thid is too hard so ill stp.
yors trly,
‘the sbmison warior’ ee cuion
Dear Diary,
So, a tournament for #1 contendership. I’ll take it. Kyle O’Reilly has been trying to upstage me so to get a chance to knock him in his place is exactly what I want. Don’t get me wrong; I wanted a tag title match against those Barbecue boys, but I’ll get one of them and I’ll use my advanced fighting techniques from the future on them. That’s a promise!
It’s going to get violent!
K By,
“The Present Warrior” Vio Lent
Bloody Easter Smackdown 4
April 7th 2024
The Special Awesome Dome in Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe in 610 languages and American dialects!
“The Cure To Wrestling” Doctor Pring defeated “The Young Buck” Jeremy Buck via pinfall when he hit the X-Ray (Moonsault) in the dark match.
“Welcome, welcome!” shouted Gold, “We got a stac-,”
I HAVE OFTEN DREAM
OF A FAR OFF PLACE
WERP
HAMJOG ME BEACH
I’M A HEEL
HAMJOG FOR ME BEACH
I’M A HEEL
HAMJOG
Then the rap part of the song began and Kyle O’Reilly, the SSAW Global Warrior Champion jumps out of the stage like Rey Mysterio did at least once.
“WOAH! Did you see that Gold? KYLE O’REILLY just invented a new way to make an entrance! What a heel!” commented Buackson.
“You can call me dad now, Buacky, Kyle O’Reilly just debuted his new entrance theme and he wrote the song himself. It’s called, “Jonathon Gold Better Give Me A Hamjog Or I’ll Kill His Family”, pretty long if you ask me.
“Shut the flip up,” yells Kyle O’Reilly, the crowd doesn’t like being told what to do so they boo him. “You are looking at the brand new SSAW Global Warrior Champion!” Kyle raises the belt over his head and smiles at the camera. It is a scary smile since he is a bad guy. “And now that I’m a champion I get to do a whole lot of cool stuff. I can use the special champion lockers and I can sit at the champion’s booth at the Lucha Libre Taco Shop. But there is only one thing left that I want. I’ve already expelled Jagged last month. I have the best belt in wrestling. Now all I want is the hamjog that was promised to me, and Gold I’m willing to do anything to get it from you. Why don’t you read the title of the song slowly to yourself,”
Gold does as Kyle suggests, when he realizes what the title of the song means he only smiles and picks up a microphone.
“Um, Kyle, I’m sort of on my own, I don’t have any kids, brothers, sisters, and my parents died in 9/11 years and years ago,” says Gold before he returns to sitting.
Kyle O’Reilly scratches his head, then returns to his promo, “Well, okay, then I’ll get it out of you someday mark my words! Gold, I will get what I wa-,”
THE ROCK SAYS
DO YOU SMELL?
THE ROCK SAYS
FRUITY PEBBLES
THE ROCK SAYS
COOKIE PUSS
THE ROCK SAYS
POOPY BUTTS
THE ROCK SAYS
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS
THE ROCK SAYS
JABRONI
“Oh my wizard gosh! It’s “The People’s Super Awesome Comish” The Rock!” shouts Buackson!
The Rock is standing on the ramp and he stares down Kyle O’Reilly. Then he puts the microphone to his mouth. “I’ve received a few complaints about you Kyle, apparently you’ve been sexually harassing Mr. Gold. Kyle, you are a champion, a role model, isn’t it a little childish to beg Gold to satisfy your ham?” asks The Rock while he raises an eyebrow.
“I’m not a role model, I’m a heel, and I’ve taken over. I am the living SSAW LEGEND! KYLE O’REILLY! How dare you insinuate that I am childish! I am just trying to take what’s mine! What was promised to me, Rock. Hamjogs aren’t about six, they are about RESPECT! My favorite wrestler talks about that a lot,”
The crowd starts chanting Cookie Puss. “Now do Fruity Pebbles!” demands The Rock! The fans start chanting Fruity Pebbles. “Respect? You had to cheat to win the belt! If you want me to allow you to sexually harass my employees you need a better reason than that, Ky-Ky, so you challenged me to find a good opponent for you, right?”
“Yes I did,” responds Kyle.
“Okay well I did you one better. Not only will you be facing an extremely talented opponent you’ll be wagering a lot more than your SSAW Global Warrior Title,” answers The Rock.
“Bring it on crackhead!” says Kyle O’Reilly.
“If you fail to pin or submit your opponent tonight, I will be forced to remove you from the company since you’ve been such a six starved little fruity pebble cookie puss poopy butt and hurt Mr. Gold’s feelings,” announces The Rock.
“Wait, if I win I want something in return, this is a lot to put on the line Rock, and it isn’t really fair. Can’t you just make me take an online class or something? Come on I’m a heel, I say raunchy stuff at times, it’s what I do!” complains O’Reilly.
“I wasn’t done jabroni! If you win you get the one thing you want the most, you get your hamjog from Jonathon Gold!” says The Rock!
Kyle starts jumping up and down in celebration, “So, who’s in my way, Rock, who’s going to try and stop me? Who’s gonna bleed out of their mouth?”
ONE MAN
MANY FRIENDS
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER FRIENDS
SUPER BROS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
Jagged jumps out of the stage like Rey Mysterio and onto the ramp!
“JAGGED IS BACK! AND HE STOLE KY-KY’s entrance!” shouts Buackson! Kyle O’Reilly falls over; he is so surprised.
“NO! I thought I ended your career!” shouts O’Reilly as Jagged points at him!
“That sounds like the best main event ever! Kyle O’Reilly vs. Jagged! For the most prestigious championship to ever exist ever! And that the stipulation is all about me, I feel so special!” says Gold.
“Do you really think your guys’ sexual harassment thing should be settled in the ring? Does it feel good to be a pawn in The Rock’s latest plan to show of?” asks Buackson.
“I don’t really mind, I would have gave him his hamjog already if you didn’t punch his face in for me. You know man, you’ve always looked out for me and I don’t think I thank you enough. If I had a daughter I’d totally let her marry you and stuff,” said Gold.
“Um, alright,” stammered Buackson; not really sure what to say.
Kyle O’Reilly, Jagged, and The Rock all returned to the back. Their super main event will be later tonight. Well not The Rock’s but Kyle’s and Jagged’s.
KICK IT!
Andy Ridge comes out with The SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship. He high fives all of his fans then rolls into the ring where Mark Briscoe, his opponent is standing!
“Looks like this is going to get going!” says Gold.
Andy Ridge hits Mark with a closeline knocking him off his feet. Mark does a backflip to sell it, and Ridge covers for a two. Ridge takes a step back and lines Mark up. Mark struggles to his feet and catches a head kick aimed at him. Mark cradles Ridge then hits him with a suplex. Mark pins him but Ridge kicks out at one! Ridge hits Mark with several quick kicks then bounces off the rope, but Mark catches him with a Big Boot! HE PINS HIM!
1…
RIDGE KICKS OUT AT ONE BLOODY SHIP!
“Everyone in the arena is on their feet!” shouts Gold as the camera pans across all the sitting audience!
Mark starts working Andy’s left arm with a lot of ARM SUBMISSION MOVES. Andy is about to tap out to an ARM SUBMISSION MOVE but he escapes it! Then Mark does a pretty cool Handstand Elbow Drop onto Andy’s arm and hurts him pretty bad.
“Oh gosh!”
Mark sets up for his second most dangerous move as he shoves Ridge in between his legs then maneuvers him onto his shoulders and Powerbombs the ship out of him right into a pin!
“It’s over! There is absolutely now way Ridgey can kick out!” shouts Buackson!
1…
2…
“HOLY BUTT FLIPPING SHIP!” shouts Gold
“He kicked out of the Briscoe Bomb (Powerbomb)!”
Mark smirks then he points at the top rope and says, “It’s time for my most dangerous move, SHOOTING STARDUST!” He jumps onto the top rope and goes for a Shooting Star Press but Andy Ridge rolls out of the way (he would of missed anyway so this gets on Botchamania). Mark gets to his feet, but a rejuvenated Andy Ridge hits him with a Drop Kick sending him into the corner. YAKUZA KICK! Ridge pins Briscoe!
1…
2…
3!
“Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge lifts the championship over his head as everyone cheers!
“A pyrrhic victory at most for Andy Ridge,”
“Yeah, he got his butt kicked in that match,” agrees Gold.
“Okay some people are backstage or something,” says Buackson as we head backstage.
Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) is handcuffed backstage, and Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and Tri Bute are hanging out with him.
“Cution, how are you dealing with your punishment?” asked Tri Bute.
“This is a little silly guys, you didn’t have to keep me locked up all month and make me miss the new Glee episodes,” said Exe Cution.
“Actually we did, so shut the flip up shiphead,” said Butey. “Vio Baby, your match is next, I think you’re up against the Franny one. You know. Yeah, just stick to the plan and Exe don’t flip it up!”
“Should be cake, Butey, you got the easy one though, Barfy Barbecue will be an easy win for someone with awesome future powers like you. Get it? I called him Barfy Barbecue because sometimes he throws up!”
“You’re really funny Vio!” says Cution.
“SHUT THE FLIP UP” yells Butey as he slaps his stupid face that is dumb. “Let’s go, Exe is cramping out style and you got a match to win,” says Tri Bute to Vio, “You can come out to support him I guess, but I don’t want to hear or see you because you are embarrassing,” seemingly to Cution but he doesn’t look at him. Tri Bute and Vio Lent hook arms and head to the arena. Exe Cution tries to wipe tears from his eyes, but it is really hard since he is handcuffed behind his back.
IT’S A HUMAN SIGN
WHEN THINGS GO WRONG
WHEN THE SCENT OF HER LINGERS
AND THE TEMPTATION’S STRONG
WERP
LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER
NO ONE CONDEMING YOU
LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS YOU
LED TO THE WATER
WERP
THIS APEARED AS A MORAL DILEMMA
CAUSE AT FIRST IT WAS WEIRD THAT I SWORE TO ELIMINATE
THE WORST OF THE PLAGUE THAT DEVOURED HUMANITY
IT’S TRUE I WAS VAGUE ON THE HOW SO HOW CAN IT BE THAT
YOU WITH YOUR WORDS LIKE KNIVES
AND SWORDS AND WEAPONS THAT YOU USE AGAINST ME
JUST KIDDING WE DON’T LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT WE ARE TAKING THE PAST
Two caskets start lowering from the ceiling; they are decorated with purple skulls and chicken blood. They also have spikes on them. The caskets land and they open up and the two badbutt mo’suckras pop out!
“TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!”
“LET’S LIVE IT UP”
“LET’S SPEND IT UP”
“GO OUT AND SMASH IT”
“LIKE OH MY GOSH”
“JUMP OFF THAT SOFA”
“LET’S GET GET OFF!” sang Tri Bute and Vio Lent (Tyler Black), “Yep, guess who likes the Red Hot Chili Peppers?” Tri Bute pauses for fan interaction, “THE NATURAL BORN GRILLERS!” shouts Butey as he answers his own question.
“I know you guys are still living in the past, but Butey and I are the future! The Red Hot Chili Peppers suck and people are still listening to them? Get the flip with the times!”
“You tell them Lenty! I’m not sure if you idiots have been listening, but the future is a wonderful place where songs don’t sound like ship! Before I came here from the 10000s Mus Ician was blowing up the charts writing songs for the tuba that required a dozen fingers on each hand to pull off. I loved Mus he was my Muse if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” I am today.
Let me tell you a story about Mus Ician, so I was at the future record store, and there was a bunch of kids gathered around a guy playing guitar, he had seven fingers on each hand! He whipped out all these chords that have never been done, it was masterful, it was the most beautiful thing I ever heard.
I was only eleven years old at the time, but hearing the most creative thing in the world ring through my ears like a trampooning stylilistastic superclashracrashindo darrencriss of beautifulcosity was a life changing event,”
“Were suppose to be speaking old English Butey,”
“Sorry, it was like a really swag thing. After the concert he told us that we could have extra fingers like him and gain the ability to do the amazing things he can do. So I took a pamphlet back to my great-granddad, I lived with him since Zondians kidnapped my parents and my grandfather died when he tried to do a back flip. Great-granddad told me we could afford the surgery and incinerated the pamphlet with his fire-phasor. The next day at school all the kids had six fingers on each hand and I only had five. I got bullied then removed from school because I wasn’t able to handle the new six-finger curriculum. Whenever I walked by groups of people they’d shout at me, ‘There goes 5-Finger-Frag’ or ‘There goes 5-Finger-Fraggot’, they weren’t very creative names, but my feelings were hurt.
After a year without education I got fed up with it all, I almost put a psy-bullet in the pink of my head, but then I realized I was only twelve years old. I still had time to make enough money to buy new fingers. So I started working odd jobs for the neighbors. They would be like, ‘hey Butey, clean my future gutter,’ so I would use future techniques and clean them! Eventually I made enough money to pay for the surgery, I was eighteen years old and I was on my way to doctor’s carrying my future piggybank while driving great-granddad’s flying car. I was so excited it was almost jejune, but I counted my chickens before they hatched. To this day I regret not keeping my eyes on the future space road! I drove right into a future tree causing my car to self-destruct.
I survived since future explosions can’t kill people, but all my future space currency was reduced to ash, and great-granddad’s flying car was totaled. I cried and cried, I worked for six long years trying to earn all that money so I wouldn’t be an outcast anymore, but here I was left with nothing. I went home and explained what happened to my great-grandparents.
My great-granddad said, ‘Remember the great SSAW Global Warrior Champion?’ I asked which one, he said, ‘Tri Bute! The man you’re named after. He beat some stupid cowboy frag for the title about 8000 years ago. He was smart. He was ahead of the game. He knew literally everything. He WOULD NEVER crash my FLIPPING FUTURE FLYING CAR!’ Great-granddad took off his belt and smacked me across the face with it, I went down in one hit and collided with the corner of a wall. I didn’t bleed since my skin was too thick, but it hurt.
Then I got up and walked in my room, I didn’t say a word to great-granddad for a year, but I did do something that night to get him back. My great-grandmother was such a nice lady. She was old, wise, and her beard was so flippin’ sexy I almost envied her. In fact, I did envy her, I was so jealous of her and so mad at great-granddad for beating me it ate me up. So that night I went into the backyard and found her pet seal, I took it by the neck and led it over to the weapon rack. I picked the best one for the job, a club. I looked Fla Bby right in the eyes, “Do you wanna die Fla Bby? Do you flippin’ wanna die for real? I’ll give you your wish!” I shouted as I swung the club into the baby seal’s face. It was dead and I got my revenge. I made seal strips out of the flab and buried the rest in the backyard, and then I shot my shovel off into the sun. I cooked breakfast that morning for my great-grandparents, I told them the seal strips were bacon, they seemed to enjoy it. Then great-grandmother went out to give Fla Bby some, but returned crying, “Fla Bby wobbled away,” she sobbed while I laughed discreetly. Schadenfreude is great,” said Tri Bute.
“Wait, you kind of went off track there,” pointed out Lenty.
“Oh, well, yeah I guess I did. Grillers, you think you have it bad? My great-granddad beat me to the point of animal murder, what did Papa Barbecue do to you to make you so dang stupid? You like the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Well TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT that I whoop your ax harder than Papa ever could muster. Papa Barbecue is old and frail, my great-granddad was still at the peak of his life. I can take more, so I’m going to dish it out. If it wasn’t for Mus Ician I wouldn’t be the man I am today, if I never served up Fla Bby I would have never learned how great I can be if I strove to be the best. But the moral of the story is the Red Hot Chili Peppers suck massive monster doc-,”
I LOVE STEAK
I LOVE SAUCE
OH FLIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS
BEER IS GOOD
STEAK IS GOOD
OH SHIP THERE MIGHT BE FLOOD
RHCP ARE ROCKING TONIGHT
YOU AND ME ARE ROCKING TONIGHT
BARBECUE IS ROCKING TONIGHT
ME AND YOU ARE FUNKIN’ TO-NIEY-ITE
Ginny and Franny run down from the stage and roll into the ring and the tag champs beat down on their single’s opponents. Franny catches Lent with a Bodyslam while Gene and Butey tumble over the top rope after a Cactus Closeline. A referee rolls in and the first match of the 2nd Great American Tournament begins.
Francis grabs Lent by the throat and pulls him to his feet then knocks him around with a volley of barbecuebaric punches. He then finishes it off with a ROLLING SHOULDER TACKLE and pinning him for a two count. Franny gets really mad since that was one of his best moves. He begins to tromp around the ring, wearing boots.
“Francis Barbecue is very Gaston-like, eh Buack?” comments Gold.
“No, Gaston does that differently,” corrects Buackson.
Francis lifts Lent and puts him in powerbomb position, but Lent head-butts his crotch. Francis hunches over and breathes “my balls,” as he is by an uppercut and knocked on his butt. Lent bounces off the ropes and hits Franny with a Shining Wizard. He goes straight for a pin but Francis kicks out at two. Lent picks up Franny and shouts, “I’m about to hit my finisher!” as Exe Cution takes a seat at ringside. He is still handcuffed.
Lenty hits his finisher but instead of going for a pin he reaches into his trunks and whips out a feather.
“OH SHIP! WE KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!” yells Gold.
“ADVANCED FIGHTING TECHNIQUES FROM THE FUTURE!” shouts Buackson.
Lent begins to tickle Francis with the feather! Francis looks like he is about to die, this is so gross! I hope he survives this hold! Although, if someone died that would be edgy. FRANCIS IS ABOUT TO TAP OUT! He starts crawling toward the ropes! Franny grabs the ropes!
“Franny got the ropes! That means Vio has to break the hold!” says Gold.
However Vio refuses to stop Tickle Torture, and continues to punish Francis. The referee counts to five causing Vio to be disqualified, but he doesn’t let up and Francis’ screams of agony ring through the arena. Gina Barbecue tries to stop Vio, but Butey murderizes him with a Closeline.
“If he keeps this up it will kill Francis Barbecue!”
“What will happen to the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships if that happens?” asks Buackson
The Healing Powers and the rest of the medical staff run down the ramp and try to tend to Francis but Butey also murderizes them with closelines! Eventually Francis stops struggling and laughing. Tri Bute checks his pulse and smiles as Vio Lent stops Tickle Torturing him and spits on him.
“Lent’s especially good at expectorating,” comments Gold.
“Butey looks like he is pleased with the beating, do you think Francis is dead, Gold?” asks Buackson,
“That would be pretty edgy if he was,” says Exe Cution as he joins our guides in this wonderful world of edginess on commentary.
The medical staffers stop selling the closelines and load Francis onto a stretcher. As they wheel him up the ramp they give him CPR and shock him with jumper cables. Gene Barbecue rolls into the ring and the 2nd Great American Tournament Match of the match begins.
“Hopefully I don’t flip this one up from all the way over here,” says Cution.
“Just stay out of his way. No one wants to see you get your ace kicked,”
“I kind of do, that was really hot,” says Gold.
Tri Bute and Gene Barbecue start off the match by hitting each other really hard. They pound each other with hard fist strikes. They punch each other with their hands! It is a very hard-hitting match. Butey’s knuckles start to hurt so he starts smacking Gina around with wicked future palm thrusts. However Gene brings up a knee and knocks one of his thrusts away before connecting with a ROLLING BACKFIST! Gene locks in the Barbecue Tap Out Move (Sol Naciente (Straight Jacket Triangle Choke)), but Butey no sells it since that move looks like ship.
“Wow! A quick escape from Tri Bute,”
“How admirable!”
Gene and Tri Bute both attempt to closeline each other at the same time. THEY BOTH GO DOWN! The referee starts counting for the double knockout! He’s at six now! Butey limps an arm over Genie!
1!
WIZARD GOSH NO! GENE KICKS OUT AT 1! NO ONE EVER KICKS OUT AT 1!
Gene’s second wind kicks in and all the thoughts of revenge cycle through his mind, he has to win this match or his brother might’ve died in vain! Gene hits Butey with several body slams before bouncing off the ropes and landing on him with a Leg-Drop. Gene grabs Butey by the head with one hand and with the other he begins to wind-up for a super punch, with expert timing Tri Bute dodges the punch and pulls Gene onto his shoulders. Butey starts spinning around with Gene on his shoulders and carelessly knocks out the referee with one of Gene’s swinging feet. Then Butey hits Gene with Royal Tri Bute (Attitude Adjustment onto the top rope) sending Ginny flying out of the ring.
“Hold on, why does Vio have a bowl of cereal?” asks Gold.
Vio Lent begins to shove spoonfuls of cereal into Gene Barbecue’s mouth on the outside of the ring. Tri Bute starts rubbing his hands together! THIS MUST BE PART OF HIS EVIL PLAN! Gene Barbecue chews and swallows the delicious bran, but he knew little of its contents or effects.
“Usually when Gina eats before a match he throws up, what do you think happens if he eats during a match?” asks Buackson, but he gets his answer in mere seconds.
Tri Bute punches Gene in the stomach causing him to retch. Butey then grips Gene by the neck and hits him with a Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) into the vomit. Tri Bute pins him for three to get the win and move on in the tournament. Tri Bute pulls out a singular piece of masking tape! He slowly leans towards Gene’s unconscious body. He does it so slowly that it almost seems like he is waiting for someone to stop him.
“I overheard Tri Bute once and he said if he ever got Gene with the tape he’d change his name to Dis Gorge,” notes Exe Cution.
Butey is about to stick Gene with the tape. HE IS LITERALLY AN INCH AWAY!
BARBECUE
YEAH
BARBECUE
YEAH
Doctor Wood wheels out Francis Barbecue in a full body cast, and he has a microphone in hand!
“STOP! Butey, don’t take my brother away from me!” shouts Francis.
Tri Bute smirks and pulls away. Then he grabs a microphone himself. “Okay, Franny, I don’t really want Captain Queasy on my team anyway. What we want is your tag team titles!”
“Okay, next month you get your title shots, just don’t take my little brother away, whatever you want!” shouts Francis as his tears stain his cast.
“Francis you may think you’re hurt now, but May 5th, 2024, at Maximum Pain 2, you won’t just walk away with a cast, you’ll need amputations! The titles will be on the line IN A TABLES MATCH! My best friend Vio Lent and ‘The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion’ ME versus a broken man and a bumbling barfing idiot!” Butey drops the microphone on Gene’s face and exits the ring. He walks over to Exe Cution and unlocks his handcuffs.
“You didn’t flip up any matches tonight so I guess you can move your arms around for awhile,”
“Thanks master! I promise to never flip up another match for you guys!”
“Shut the flip up,” Tri Bute rams a knee into Cution’s groin. “You still have a long way to go before I ever trust you again,”
“Oh Gold, for some reason I think there is a Hardcore Tag Match next,” says Buackson.
“I don’t remember anything about that, but your best man is in it! Cactus Flanders and Master Satriani take on Lawrence Alamo and “Bearskin” John Boy Corbett in a Hardcore Match, next!”
All four men bring weapons to the ring with them, Lawrence Alamo has a cowbell, John Boy Corbett has a stone chair, Master Satriani has a samurai sword, and Cactus Flanders has A NAIL CHAIR! They start brawling and hitting each other with their weapons. It’s a really cool match! John Boy Corbett hits Master Satriani really hard with a stone chair knocking him out of the ring, while Flanders hits Alamo with the nail chair in the back KNOCKING HIM OUT OF THE RING! JBC and Cactus Flanders look at each other AND THE CROWD POPS!
Both men throw down their chairs and start clubbing each other with their fists. Flanders punches him really hard to get the advantage! Then he whips him into the ropes, as he flies back towards him Flanders spins around and hits The Cactus Prickle (ROLLING SAMOAN SPIKE)!
“That move has killed 9 people!” shouts Buackson!
“MAKE THAT ELEVEN!” shouts Gold as Lawrence Alamo rolls into the ring just to get knocked out again by a CACTUS PRICKLE!
“12! MY BEST MAN IS IN A RAGE!” shouts Buackson as Cactus hits a Cactus Prickle to the referee!
“To be fair, I don’t think they are all dead, but Cactus Flanders’ move is really sweet and this part of the match really got that across to me!” says Gold.
Master Satriani slides a Table into the ring, and then he starts throwing bags of tacks, stone chairs, and bricks into the ring. John Boy starts to get to his feet so Cactus throws a brick at his head! IT HITS HIS HEAD! Cactus sets up the table then pours out three bags of thumbtacks onto it.
“Wow! You know what they say Buack! The more thumbtacks, the more edgy!” clichéd Jonathon Gold. Cactus Flanders begins to arrange the bricks on the table!
“This is wrestling not Legos!” says Buackson, Master Satriani joins Flanders at the table with even more bricks. After about 20 minutes of making sure their creation fits their axonometric, testing their cladding to see if it really is waterproof, and determining if it looks more stereotonic or tectonic, Satriani and Flanders present their scale model of the Taj Mahal.
“That’s edgy! Look! They even have the blast points from when the tanks shot at it last week!” shouts Gold!
“They’re too accurate for sand people! I’m so proud of them!” says Buackson, “I remember when he just the best man at my wedding, and not he’s a real artist!” stammers Johnny as the tears pour from his eyes.
However, due to the immense amount of time it took to put it together, their opponents have since come to, nursed their various wounds by applying bandages, and shared encouraging trade-lasts with each other making them emotionally and physically prepared to put them through the table and brick Taj Mahal.
“Oh man, that’s what the Taj Mahal will look like when the terrorists finish the job on PPV in a few days,”
“Some day we’ll be as edgy as the TAOA, I just know it!” says Buackson.
The Frontier Boys (JBC and Lawrence Alamo) attempt to get the win after they powerbomb them through the table and brick Taj Mahal but both members of The Hardcore Express (Cactus Flanders and Master Satriani) are able to kick out at two and nine hundred and eleven nine hundred and twelfths. Then there was a bunch of cool moves onto stone chairs, culminating with Cactus Flanders hitting a High-Angle Crossbody to Lawrence Alamo knocking him onto six stone chairs to get the win.
“Those four risk taking mo’suckras sure put on a show for us, eh Buack?”
“Sure as flip, flippin’ did, sorry it feels like forever since anyone cursed,”
“We got to live up this flipping edgy image we put out mother flipper,”
“More like daughter flipper am I right?” asks Buackson.
“Well yeah, every woman is someone’s daughter,” says Gold.
“Our main event coming right after we head backstage!” says Buackson.
“I’m a sports agent gosh darnit!” yells Walsh.
“I know, I know, but still I can’t have you out there! What if the referee catches you helping me cheat? Then I’ll be disqualified which means I’ll be fired,” explains Ky-Ky.
“Why don’t you just take out the referee at the beginning of the match, then you can use weapons and I can help all I want! Then when Jagged’s down and out the referee will be able to make the count. It’ll be fine and dandy!”
“I’m not gambling my career on it! I’m the living SSAW legend! I can’t take mother flipping gee bag risks every chance I get, anymore. If I what to stick around I need to stop being aggressive! I need to be assertive! It’s a little bit different, but basically I need to do this without cheating for once!”
“Do you even know how?” asks Walsh.
“Well how the flip do you think I won those two Backyard Warrior titles? Certainly not with your help! How did I make Jimmy Jacobs, Jeremy Madrox, and Shawn Daivari cough blood? You didn’t do anything more than cheer me on. So why don’t you shut the flip up, stop beachin’, and give me a flipping back rub?”
“Wait, what if you get hit by a car?”
“I’m trying something new, well old, the old Kyle O’Reilly would gladly accept back rubs, the new Kyle O’Reilly was superstitious, the assertive Kyle O’Reilly DEMANDS A BACK RUB NOW MOTHER FLIPPER!” says Kyle O’Rye with feeling!
Walsh begins to rub Kyle around his shoulders and down his back. Kyle moans as he rubs oil on his chest, wraps some wrist tape on his wrist, and enjoys the once forbidden pleasure.
“Hey, Walsh, this is just a one time thing, I’m sure next month I’ll be back to AGGRESSIVE KYLE O’REILLY! He’s a really cool dude, but plays by the rules with a mean streak Kyle is what we need. YOU ARE FLIPPING GREAT! OH SHIP!” says Kyle with a few odd grunts. “Then when I beat Jagged fair and square, Gold will have no choice but to give me the hamjog I deserve!”
“Gosh this is so hot,” says Gold.
“I thought you didn’t want to hamjog him, Gold?” asks Buackson.
“No, I was watching prom, the guy’s dock is so flipping long!”
“Oh my bad.”
"This Is 9/11" Part Two
(Had to split it into two parts since it was more than 60000 characters)
ONE MAN
MANY FRIENDS
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER FRIENDS
SUPER BROS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
Jagged leaps out of the stage like Rey Mysterio, Zack Sabre Jr., and Kyle O’Reilly have all done in the past.
“Wow! Has anyone ever entered like that? Holy flip that was cool!”
Jagged starts moving down the ramp and high-fives fans when out of nowhere Kyle O’Reilly jumps out of the stage and attacks Jagged from behind. He punishes him with a volley of Knife-Edge Chops to the upper-sternum! THEN HE KICKS JAGGED’S LEG! Jagged does a back flip and lands on his own face! A fan hands Kyle O’Reilly a pane of glass and Kyle smashes it on Jagged’s head! Then he picks up one of the shards and starts cutting Jagged’s face with it. Jagged dawns a crimson mask and tears of pain materialize from his eye. Kyle swallows the shard of glass then chases it by licking Jagged’s blood and tears off his face.
“This is pretty flipped up!” shouts Buackson!
“This is pretty flippin’ hot, I love it when men fight over me, Buack!” says Gold.
“Even when they eat glass and lick ship off each other?”
“Especially when they eat glass and lick ship off each other!”
Kyle throws Jagged into the ring and rolls in afterward so the referee starts the match. Kyle immediately covers Jagged for a two count; Kyle slaps the mat before hitting Jagged with a Dead-Lift German Suplex into a pin, but Jagged is able to roll over to his side. Kyle gets a Half-Nelson then proceeds to put his knee in Jagged’s face several times before using the half to put him on his back for a count of two. Jagged rolls onto his tummy, but Kyle hooks his other arm and they both get to their feet, putting Kyle in the perfect position to hit an O’Reilly Defect (Pedigree). Kyle keeps his arms hooked and pulls Jagged to his feet again and then immediately drives him back down with another before rolling him over and pinning him again.
1…
Not enough, Kyle spits on his hand and slaps Jagged across the face several times, then locks in a Dragon Sleeper. Kyle uses a technique where he wrenches the hold then tickles Jagged’s tummy. It doesn’t send him any closer to tapping but it is succeeding in peeing Jagged off. Using the claps and cheers of the crowd to his advantage Jagged is able to get himself to his feet and hit Kyle O’Reilly with a Closeline causing him to fall backwards onto his head! Jagged grabs Kyle by his head and pulls him up, putting Kyle in what is usually a prime position, however, Kyle stops himself from delivering a low blow in fear of disqualification and job termination! However, Kyle has lost focus from the match itself and starts focusing on going against his heel tactics. Jagged uses this to his advantage and delivers a hard roundhouse kick to the head followed by a pin for a one.
“This match is really boring,”
“They should knock out the referee and start using weapons,”
“I thought this is suppose to be edgy,”
“This is gee,” says Jonathon Gold.
Jagged pulls Kyle to his feet again, but this time Kyle pushes him off and hits him with an uppercut. They start trading uppercuts.
Jonathon Gold yawns and leans back in his chair, while Johnny Buackson rolls up his pant-legs and starts playing with his leg hair.
“So, see any good movies lately?” asked Gold.
“Have you ever seen Iron Jawed Angels?”
“No,”
“Sucks dock, don’t, it’s just a bunch of bad acting, not in a funny way either,”
“Wait, isn’t Hillary Swank in that? And McDreamy?”
“Yeah, it’s the nadir of both their careers, by the end of the film I wanted to buy a gun and kill both of them. Probably off myself after that too,” elaborates Buackson.
“Well, any good movies like I flippin’ asked for? Grievous Crisp,”
“Tarzan,”
“I liked that one, Kerzan less than three,”
“I can’t believe you ship a man with a male monkey who is suppose to be his father,”
“I can’t believe you don’t, the pieces are all there, Kerzan will forever and always be my one true pairing. Not shipping Kerzan is like not shipping QuirrelMort, if you don’t you’re really missing the point of the whole movie,” rants Gold.
“Then I take it back, Tarzan is stupid.”
“Flip you,”
“Flip you,”
“They aren’t using weapons, doing flips, hitting piledrivers, or powerbombs at all, gosh dang this match is boring as flipping ship!”
“Why do you have to be a Negative Nancy all the time, Gold?”
“What do you mean, Alliterative Andrew?”
“I mean, our job is to sell the match, but we’re just taking a ship on it,”
“I’m not a Constipated Cody, if I have to take a ship, I’m going to take a ship,”
“Do you want me to use another analogy?” asks Buackson sarcastically.
“How about one I can’t pick apart as easily, Sarcastic Sandra,”
“Actually what I said before wasn’t an analogy, so I’ll quit while I’m ahead, something semi-exciting is happening anyway,”
Kyle O’Reilly pulls a Powerful Pierre and hits Jagged with a Powerbomb into a pin for another near-fall.
“Resilient Randy! I thought Jagged was done for!”
Kyle starts stomping on Jagged hitting literally every inch of his body before hitting him with a Standing Front-Flip Legdrop for a 1!
“Oh gosh, this match is never going to flipping end,” remarks Buackson.
“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” asks Gold.
“No, well, it depends on your definition of kissing, my lips usually never touch my partner’s, and I mostly use my tongue,”
“You make-out with your mom? Although I’m having quite the time imagining it; I can’t help but think of you as an Incestuous Ian,” comments Gold.
“I’d refute that but my sister gave me a ton of bluejogs, so I won’t,”
“I remember your sister, she was quite the Floozy Francesca, eh Buack?”
“Floozy is a noun, way to ruin a good thing Gold! There goes the only fun part of this match,”
“Flip you,”
“Flip you,”
Kyle and Jagged start hitting each other with moves. Jonathon Gold starts looking up cat pictures on his SUPER CELL PHONE! Johnny Buackson spins in his swivel chair for a bit until he gets too dizzy. He then begins to lick his hands to make sure they still taste the same as the last time he licked his hands.
“I was hoping they’d taste different.”
“Look! This cat wants a cheeseburger, silly cat!” shouts Gold as he shows Buackson his SUPER CELL PHONE!
“I’m more interested in that other page you have open, ‘How To Kill Famil-,”
“Oh that’s nothing,” says Gold as he pulls the SUPER CELL PHONE away.
Kyle O’Reilly hits Jagged with one of his good moves but Jagged kicks out at two.
“I can’t believe this match has been going 30 minutes. I don’t like it!”
“Want to play Russian Roulette?”
“It’s not the same without a gun,” says Gold as he pouts.
“I am the best wrestler EVER!” shouts Kyle O’Reilly as he hits Jagged with a vicious German Suplex, then he proceeds to roll through and hit another into a pin for a 2.4. Kyle sends Jagged into the turnbuckle then charges at him, but Jagged moves away at the last second sending Kyle shoulder first into the steel-post. Jagged hits him with a German Suplex of his own then precedes to hits Kyle with 5 Leg Drops.
“If he gets the win here ‘Super Wrestling Columnist’ Katthew Meck will have no choice but to give this five stars!”
“That would be horrible, this is ship!”
“Wrestling would never be the same again!”
“If this match is five stars, what does five stars even mean?”
“The entire world would implode!”
“People would stop having children altogether TO STOP FUTURE GENERATIONS FROM THIS HECK!”
“He kicked out!”
“Thank gosh!”
Kyle and Jagged trade shin kicks, then Kyle gets Jagged with a Small Package.
“At this point I wouldn’t mind giving Kyle his hamjog! If it means this match is over, flip yeah!” notes Gold.
“And he kicks out, can this just be over? Please?” says Buackson as he slams his head on the desk.
“Don’t hurt yourself, Buack!”
“This is worse than Iron Jawed Angels,”
“Don’t hurt anyone else, Buack!”
“I’m going to beat my wife SO HARD, do you have any blunt weapons just laying around?” asks Buackson.
“No, ask Tri Bute after the show, didn’t he say something about clubbing a seal or something earlier?”
“I’m just kidding Jonathon, I’d never hit Seraphina, I love her remember?”
“Seraphina? Who?”
Kyle locks in a submission move, but Jagged escapes it and hits him with a Shoulder Dive Move (ROLLING SHOULDER TACKLE)! It knocks O’Reilly out of the ring and to the floor. Jagged rolls out of the ring and starts exchanging gardening tips with Kyle while punching him.
“I hope they get counted out! 39 minutes of this is just too much for me!”
“The audience is starting to leave, soon these guys will be in front of an empty arena,”
“It kind of feels like these guys just came in the ring tonight and starting masticating all over each other,”
“Go on! That sounds like a fantasy of mine!” says Gold.
When the referee reaches the count of 7, O’Reilly rolls in and rolls out breaking the count, then starts exchanging gardening tips again with Jagged while punching him. Kyle soon maneuvers Jagged so he is hanging off his back then climbs onto the apron, he teases hitting the Alabama Slam into the ring, but Jagged kicks his arms away and hits a Sunset Flip onto the floor.
“That would have been cool a half hour ago when I still gave a flip about this match,”
“Now you’re the one being a Negative Nancy, eh Buack?”
“Flip you,”
“Cranky Carl?”
“Shut up, Gold,”
“What to practice making out?”
“Quit being an Annoying Alexis, it’s really ann-,”
“Annoying? Grievous, I just finished you sentence, we’re like soul mates!”
“THIS MATCH NEEDS TO END!”
Kyle and Jagged both roll into the ring when the count reaches 9, then they start brawling again! Kyle pushes Jagged into the corner and starts chopping the ship out of him, then he hits Jagged with a hard kick to the chest! Jagged and Kyle trade kicks to the shoulder for seven minutes before Kyle catches off guard with a slap.
“Buack wake up!”
“It’s over!”
“No, but if I have to watch it so do you, aceface!”
“Flip you,”
“Flip you,”
“I seriously need a nap,”
“We all do!”
“It’s been like 55 minutes, are they going to do anything cool or not?”
Then the cool part of the match starts up. Jagged and Kyle trade ROLLING POWERBOMBS and ROLLING PILEDRIVERS, then Kyle pins Jagged!
1…
2…
NO! Jagged kicks out and kips up, but Kyle slaps him taking him back down, then he points at the top rope as the 20 remaining audience members boo him since he is a bad guy! Kyle leaps to the top rope and hits Jagged with a Shooting Star Press!
“He beat JBC with this to win the belt last month!”
“Okay, just three second, I hamjog him, and we can finally go home!”
1…
2…
DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING
COOKIE PUSS
THE ROCK
FRUITY PEBBLES
THE ROCK
POOPY BUTTS
THE ROCK
“FINALLY, THE ROCK, has come out to tell you THAT your 60 minutes are up!” shouts The Rock!
“THANK FLIPPING GOSH!” shouts Buackson as he takes off his headset and swiftly exits the arena.
The referee hands The Rock the SSAW Global Warrior Championship, while Kyle slaps the mat with frustration. “So yeah, I guess this is the end for you Kyle, BECAUSE THE ROCK SAYS YOU’RE FIRED!”
“Kyle O’Reilly the biggest legend in SSAW ever, just got fired, cool. That was the stipulation of this match after all,”
“THE ROCK, has no choice but to vacate the SSAW Global Warrior Championship and announce that #1 contender tournament is now for the vacant title!” shouts THE ROCK as Kyle wipes a tear from his eye and grabs a microphone.
“You can’t do this to me, Rock, SSAW is my life! How will I feed my kids? ROCK, tell me that!”
The crowd of 20 starts singing that goodbye song.
“How will I be able to afford to pay all my maids that I cheat on my wife with? ROCK, tell me that!”
“THE ROCK, doesn’t care about your FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS! NOW TRENDINNG ON MYSPACE!” shouts THE ROCK!
“Woah, The Rock is so cool, he just made a new hashtag, JUST NOW!” says Gold.
Kyle O’Reilly falls to his knees, the tears fall out of his eyes all over the ring. Jagged points and laughs then heads to the back, while Kyle droops over and starts sucking his thumb.
“Wow! I can’t believe this is my doing!” says Gold, “I’m getting schadenfreude all over, I love this!”
The Rock, Jonathon Gold, and the rest of the audience all go home, leaving Kyle alone in the ring with a microphone. He is able to hold back the tears and pick up the microphone.
“Today I came to SSAW as a heel, on top of the world, you could even call me the lord of things in this realm. In just the space of one month my highest highs have become my lowest lows. Earlier today I thought the world revolved me and I still had years and years left before becoming a super nova, but one, not even loss, has sent me here. Alone, broken, jobless, and hamjogless. I’m done being Kyle O’Reilly, it’s time for me to be Kyle Greenwood.
Assertive Kyle O’Reilly doesn’t get the job done. Cheating Kyle O’Reilly, well, he has to cheat to win, but Kyle Greenwood is a great guy, and sure he might not have a job anymore, but he still has a wife that he can stop cheating on. He still has Kyle Jr. and he still has little Britney! So what if his daughter is pregnant, Kyle Greenwood is the best there is!
Kyle Greenwood is a mailman, probably; I’ll send an application. No, Kyle Greenwood can be whoever he wants to be, except I’m probably too old to do a lot of things, but I don’t want to do those things anyway.
Kyle Greenwood says goodbye, and sorry for being a dock. This is it for me, I’m done wrestling forever, everything I had to do, and well I did it. Two-time Backyard Warrior champ, one-time Global Warrior champ, I’ve choked out Shawn Daivari and Jimmy Jacobs! I got to punk out Davey, that’s always fun.
Don’t sexually harass people, kids; you end up at your nadir. You fall further than you can fall, and you realize the only way to redeem yourself is to change. IT IS TO BE THE GUY AGAIN. The guy you were when you left the womb, greed and lust ruined me! It made me think some arbitrary thing like having someone pretend a piece of ham is jogging, is the most important thing in your life. The real most important thing about life isn’t hamjogs, or respect. The most important thing is self-realization, at some point everyone has to take a look in the mirror and ask themselves, ‘Is this Kyle Greenwood’, and if the answer is no YOU HAVE TO DROP EVERYTHING, and make the answer yes!
Kyle Greenwood loves animals, and getting back rubs! Kyle Greenwood wants to flip his own wife, not Mrs. Garcia! Kyle Greenwood isn’t a wrestler anymore, he’s a Prom Director now, probably; I’ll send an application!
Kyle Greenwood is finally free from Kyle O’Reilly.”
Ky-Ky limps out of the arena and the scene fades to black.
4/8/24
Kyle O’Reilly is reportedly done with wrestling for good after that match with Jagged.
A feminist organization, no one cares what the name is, posted on Myspace about how last night’s SSAW PPV, Bloody Awakening 4, was sexist, citing Buackson not enjoying the film Iron Jawed Angels. The organization said that, that movie was an important step for women and cannot be touched by the opinions of anyone, especially a man.
SSAW responded to this saying, “That movie is a piece of ship,” and “Oh flip off!”
4/26/24
The SSAW PPV had a lot of buys, but over 90% of the viewers checked out before the main event citing that the match was horrible and the commentators kept snoring obnoxiously, not making the match any better.
Chris Sabin was trapped inside a box last week, but he has made it out all right, when asked all he could say was, “Being a mime is a dangerous thing!”
The anonymous president challenged SSAW’s sexist commentator, Johnny Buackson, to a fight, saying that he was a huge fan of Iron Jawed Angels. Buackson told him that if it’s a fight he wants it’s a fight he’ll get. The president has since backed out of this challenge, noting that he is still sore from golf. This gave a hint at the president’s identity, although it could be a red herring.
4/32/24
Johnny Buackson was arrested for ‘Being a Sexist’ yesterday, but he has since been released because ‘Being a Sexist’ isn’t against the law. But it should be and he should be given the death penalty! That womanizing scumbag frag deserves to die for what he said about Iron Jawed Angels being the nadir of Hilary Swank’s career, because that’s flipping bullship. Hilary Swank is still acting today and making way worse movies than Iron Jawed Angels you know, a movie that won awards!
The state of Pennsylvania has banned SSAW events from taking place in their borders. The reason given is that the company is sexist and the state wishes to separate itself from sexism.
SSAW released a statement saying, “Pennsylvania’s still a state? That place sucks, and no one cares about it,”
Pennsylvania said back, “Well you cared enough to comment on it,” but SSAW was quick to say, “Flip you and I hope all your citizens die,”
4/89/24
We are just five days away from Maximum Pain 2 and WOAH SHIP MO’SUCKRAS IT’S GON BE GOOD!
SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships – Table Match
“Too Sauce To Handle” “Steaky” Gene Barbecue © and “A-1” “Saucy” Francis Barbecue © (The Natural Born Grillers) vs. “The Present Warrior” Vio Lent
AND
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
They are saying the show will be available in 687 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
ONE MAN
MANY FRIENDS
GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS
SUPER FRIENDS
SUPER BROS
SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS
Jagged leaps out of the stage like Rey Mysterio, Zack Sabre Jr., and Kyle O’Reilly have all done in the past.
“Wow! Has anyone ever entered like that? Holy flip that was cool!”
Jagged starts moving down the ramp and high-fives fans when out of nowhere Kyle O’Reilly jumps out of the stage and attacks Jagged from behind. He punishes him with a volley of Knife-Edge Chops to the upper-sternum! THEN HE KICKS JAGGED’S LEG! Jagged does a back flip and lands on his own face! A fan hands Kyle O’Reilly a pane of glass and Kyle smashes it on Jagged’s head! Then he picks up one of the shards and starts cutting Jagged’s face with it. Jagged dawns a crimson mask and tears of pain materialize from his eye. Kyle swallows the shard of glass then chases it by licking Jagged’s blood and tears off his face.
“This is pretty flipped up!” shouts Buackson!
“This is pretty flippin’ hot, I love it when men fight over me, Buack!” says Gold.
“Even when they eat glass and lick ship off each other?”
“Especially when they eat glass and lick ship off each other!”
Kyle throws Jagged into the ring and rolls in afterward so the referee starts the match. Kyle immediately covers Jagged for a two count; Kyle slaps the mat before hitting Jagged with a Dead-Lift German Suplex into a pin, but Jagged is able to roll over to his side. Kyle gets a Half-Nelson then proceeds to put his knee in Jagged’s face several times before using the half to put him on his back for a count of two. Jagged rolls onto his tummy, but Kyle hooks his other arm and they both get to their feet, putting Kyle in the perfect position to hit an O’Reilly Defect (Pedigree). Kyle keeps his arms hooked and pulls Jagged to his feet again and then immediately drives him back down with another before rolling him over and pinning him again.
1…
Not enough, Kyle spits on his hand and slaps Jagged across the face several times, then locks in a Dragon Sleeper. Kyle uses a technique where he wrenches the hold then tickles Jagged’s tummy. It doesn’t send him any closer to tapping but it is succeeding in peeing Jagged off. Using the claps and cheers of the crowd to his advantage Jagged is able to get himself to his feet and hit Kyle O’Reilly with a Closeline causing him to fall backwards onto his head! Jagged grabs Kyle by his head and pulls him up, putting Kyle in what is usually a prime position, however, Kyle stops himself from delivering a low blow in fear of disqualification and job termination! However, Kyle has lost focus from the match itself and starts focusing on going against his heel tactics. Jagged uses this to his advantage and delivers a hard roundhouse kick to the head followed by a pin for a one.
“This match is really boring,”
“They should knock out the referee and start using weapons,”
“I thought this is suppose to be edgy,”
“This is gee,” says Jonathon Gold.
Jagged pulls Kyle to his feet again, but this time Kyle pushes him off and hits him with an uppercut. They start trading uppercuts.
Jonathon Gold yawns and leans back in his chair, while Johnny Buackson rolls up his pant-legs and starts playing with his leg hair.
“So, see any good movies lately?” asked Gold.
“Have you ever seen Iron Jawed Angels?”
“No,”
“Sucks dock, don’t, it’s just a bunch of bad acting, not in a funny way either,”
“Wait, isn’t Hillary Swank in that? And McDreamy?”
“Yeah, it’s the nadir of both their careers, by the end of the film I wanted to buy a gun and kill both of them. Probably off myself after that too,” elaborates Buackson.
“Well, any good movies like I flippin’ asked for? Grievous Crisp,”
“Tarzan,”
“I liked that one, Kerzan less than three,”
“I can’t believe you ship a man with a male monkey who is suppose to be his father,”
“I can’t believe you don’t, the pieces are all there, Kerzan will forever and always be my one true pairing. Not shipping Kerzan is like not shipping QuirrelMort, if you don’t you’re really missing the point of the whole movie,” rants Gold.
“Then I take it back, Tarzan is stupid.”
“Flip you,”
“Flip you,”
“They aren’t using weapons, doing flips, hitting piledrivers, or powerbombs at all, gosh dang this match is boring as flipping ship!”
“Why do you have to be a Negative Nancy all the time, Gold?”
“What do you mean, Alliterative Andrew?”
“I mean, our job is to sell the match, but we’re just taking a ship on it,”
“I’m not a Constipated Cody, if I have to take a ship, I’m going to take a ship,”
“Do you want me to use another analogy?” asks Buackson sarcastically.
“How about one I can’t pick apart as easily, Sarcastic Sandra,”
“Actually what I said before wasn’t an analogy, so I’ll quit while I’m ahead, something semi-exciting is happening anyway,”
Kyle O’Reilly pulls a Powerful Pierre and hits Jagged with a Powerbomb into a pin for another near-fall.
“Resilient Randy! I thought Jagged was done for!”
Kyle starts stomping on Jagged hitting literally every inch of his body before hitting him with a Standing Front-Flip Legdrop for a 1!
“Oh gosh, this match is never going to flipping end,” remarks Buackson.
“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” asks Gold.
“No, well, it depends on your definition of kissing, my lips usually never touch my partner’s, and I mostly use my tongue,”
“You make-out with your mom? Although I’m having quite the time imagining it; I can’t help but think of you as an Incestuous Ian,” comments Gold.
“I’d refute that but my sister gave me a ton of bluejogs, so I won’t,”
“I remember your sister, she was quite the Floozy Francesca, eh Buack?”
“Floozy is a noun, way to ruin a good thing Gold! There goes the only fun part of this match,”
“Flip you,”
“Flip you,”
Kyle and Jagged start hitting each other with moves. Jonathon Gold starts looking up cat pictures on his SUPER CELL PHONE! Johnny Buackson spins in his swivel chair for a bit until he gets too dizzy. He then begins to lick his hands to make sure they still taste the same as the last time he licked his hands.
“I was hoping they’d taste different.”
“Look! This cat wants a cheeseburger, silly cat!” shouts Gold as he shows Buackson his SUPER CELL PHONE!
“I’m more interested in that other page you have open, ‘How To Kill Famil-,”
“Oh that’s nothing,” says Gold as he pulls the SUPER CELL PHONE away.
Kyle O’Reilly hits Jagged with one of his good moves but Jagged kicks out at two.
“I can’t believe this match has been going 30 minutes. I don’t like it!”
“Want to play Russian Roulette?”
“It’s not the same without a gun,” says Gold as he pouts.
“I am the best wrestler EVER!” shouts Kyle O’Reilly as he hits Jagged with a vicious German Suplex, then he proceeds to roll through and hit another into a pin for a 2.4. Kyle sends Jagged into the turnbuckle then charges at him, but Jagged moves away at the last second sending Kyle shoulder first into the steel-post. Jagged hits him with a German Suplex of his own then precedes to hits Kyle with 5 Leg Drops.
“If he gets the win here ‘Super Wrestling Columnist’ Katthew Meck will have no choice but to give this five stars!”
“That would be horrible, this is ship!”
“Wrestling would never be the same again!”
“If this match is five stars, what does five stars even mean?”
“The entire world would implode!”
“People would stop having children altogether TO STOP FUTURE GENERATIONS FROM THIS HECK!”
“He kicked out!”
“Thank gosh!”
Kyle and Jagged trade shin kicks, then Kyle gets Jagged with a Small Package.
“At this point I wouldn’t mind giving Kyle his hamjog! If it means this match is over, flip yeah!” notes Gold.
“And he kicks out, can this just be over? Please?” says Buackson as he slams his head on the desk.
“Don’t hurt yourself, Buack!”
“This is worse than Iron Jawed Angels,”
“Don’t hurt anyone else, Buack!”
“I’m going to beat my wife SO HARD, do you have any blunt weapons just laying around?” asks Buackson.
“No, ask Tri Bute after the show, didn’t he say something about clubbing a seal or something earlier?”
“I’m just kidding Jonathon, I’d never hit Seraphina, I love her remember?”
“Seraphina? Who?”
Kyle locks in a submission move, but Jagged escapes it and hits him with a Shoulder Dive Move (ROLLING SHOULDER TACKLE)! It knocks O’Reilly out of the ring and to the floor. Jagged rolls out of the ring and starts exchanging gardening tips with Kyle while punching him.
“I hope they get counted out! 39 minutes of this is just too much for me!”
“The audience is starting to leave, soon these guys will be in front of an empty arena,”
“It kind of feels like these guys just came in the ring tonight and starting masticating all over each other,”
“Go on! That sounds like a fantasy of mine!” says Gold.
When the referee reaches the count of 7, O’Reilly rolls in and rolls out breaking the count, then starts exchanging gardening tips again with Jagged while punching him. Kyle soon maneuvers Jagged so he is hanging off his back then climbs onto the apron, he teases hitting the Alabama Slam into the ring, but Jagged kicks his arms away and hits a Sunset Flip onto the floor.
“That would have been cool a half hour ago when I still gave a flip about this match,”
“Now you’re the one being a Negative Nancy, eh Buack?”
“Flip you,”
“Cranky Carl?”
“Shut up, Gold,”
“What to practice making out?”
“Quit being an Annoying Alexis, it’s really ann-,”
“Annoying? Grievous, I just finished you sentence, we’re like soul mates!”
“THIS MATCH NEEDS TO END!”
Kyle and Jagged both roll into the ring when the count reaches 9, then they start brawling again! Kyle pushes Jagged into the corner and starts chopping the ship out of him, then he hits Jagged with a hard kick to the chest! Jagged and Kyle trade kicks to the shoulder for seven minutes before Kyle catches off guard with a slap.
“Buack wake up!”
“It’s over!”
“No, but if I have to watch it so do you, aceface!”
“Flip you,”
“Flip you,”
“I seriously need a nap,”
“We all do!”
“It’s been like 55 minutes, are they going to do anything cool or not?”
Then the cool part of the match starts up. Jagged and Kyle trade ROLLING POWERBOMBS and ROLLING PILEDRIVERS, then Kyle pins Jagged!
1…
2…
NO! Jagged kicks out and kips up, but Kyle slaps him taking him back down, then he points at the top rope as the 20 remaining audience members boo him since he is a bad guy! Kyle leaps to the top rope and hits Jagged with a Shooting Star Press!
“He beat JBC with this to win the belt last month!”
“Okay, just three second, I hamjog him, and we can finally go home!”
1…
2…
DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING
COOKIE PUSS
THE ROCK
FRUITY PEBBLES
THE ROCK
POOPY BUTTS
THE ROCK
“FINALLY, THE ROCK, has come out to tell you THAT your 60 minutes are up!” shouts The Rock!
“THANK FLIPPING GOSH!” shouts Buackson as he takes off his headset and swiftly exits the arena.
The referee hands The Rock the SSAW Global Warrior Championship, while Kyle slaps the mat with frustration. “So yeah, I guess this is the end for you Kyle, BECAUSE THE ROCK SAYS YOU’RE FIRED!”
“Kyle O’Reilly the biggest legend in SSAW ever, just got fired, cool. That was the stipulation of this match after all,”
“THE ROCK, has no choice but to vacate the SSAW Global Warrior Championship and announce that #1 contender tournament is now for the vacant title!” shouts THE ROCK as Kyle wipes a tear from his eye and grabs a microphone.
“You can’t do this to me, Rock, SSAW is my life! How will I feed my kids? ROCK, tell me that!”
The crowd of 20 starts singing that goodbye song.
“How will I be able to afford to pay all my maids that I cheat on my wife with? ROCK, tell me that!”
“THE ROCK, doesn’t care about your FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS! NOW TRENDINNG ON MYSPACE!” shouts THE ROCK!
“Woah, The Rock is so cool, he just made a new hashtag, JUST NOW!” says Gold.
Kyle O’Reilly falls to his knees, the tears fall out of his eyes all over the ring. Jagged points and laughs then heads to the back, while Kyle droops over and starts sucking his thumb.
“Wow! I can’t believe this is my doing!” says Gold, “I’m getting schadenfreude all over, I love this!”
The Rock, Jonathon Gold, and the rest of the audience all go home, leaving Kyle alone in the ring with a microphone. He is able to hold back the tears and pick up the microphone.
“Today I came to SSAW as a heel, on top of the world, you could even call me the lord of things in this realm. In just the space of one month my highest highs have become my lowest lows. Earlier today I thought the world revolved me and I still had years and years left before becoming a super nova, but one, not even loss, has sent me here. Alone, broken, jobless, and hamjogless. I’m done being Kyle O’Reilly, it’s time for me to be Kyle Greenwood.
Assertive Kyle O’Reilly doesn’t get the job done. Cheating Kyle O’Reilly, well, he has to cheat to win, but Kyle Greenwood is a great guy, and sure he might not have a job anymore, but he still has a wife that he can stop cheating on. He still has Kyle Jr. and he still has little Britney! So what if his daughter is pregnant, Kyle Greenwood is the best there is!
Kyle Greenwood is a mailman, probably; I’ll send an application. No, Kyle Greenwood can be whoever he wants to be, except I’m probably too old to do a lot of things, but I don’t want to do those things anyway.
Kyle Greenwood says goodbye, and sorry for being a dock. This is it for me, I’m done wrestling forever, everything I had to do, and well I did it. Two-time Backyard Warrior champ, one-time Global Warrior champ, I’ve choked out Shawn Daivari and Jimmy Jacobs! I got to punk out Davey, that’s always fun.
Don’t sexually harass people, kids; you end up at your nadir. You fall further than you can fall, and you realize the only way to redeem yourself is to change. IT IS TO BE THE GUY AGAIN. The guy you were when you left the womb, greed and lust ruined me! It made me think some arbitrary thing like having someone pretend a piece of ham is jogging, is the most important thing in your life. The real most important thing about life isn’t hamjogs, or respect. The most important thing is self-realization, at some point everyone has to take a look in the mirror and ask themselves, ‘Is this Kyle Greenwood’, and if the answer is no YOU HAVE TO DROP EVERYTHING, and make the answer yes!
Kyle Greenwood loves animals, and getting back rubs! Kyle Greenwood wants to flip his own wife, not Mrs. Garcia! Kyle Greenwood isn’t a wrestler anymore, he’s a Prom Director now, probably; I’ll send an application!
Kyle Greenwood is finally free from Kyle O’Reilly.”
Ky-Ky limps out of the arena and the scene fades to black.
4/8/24
Kyle O’Reilly is reportedly done with wrestling for good after that match with Jagged.
A feminist organization, no one cares what the name is, posted on Myspace about how last night’s SSAW PPV, Bloody Awakening 4, was sexist, citing Buackson not enjoying the film Iron Jawed Angels. The organization said that, that movie was an important step for women and cannot be touched by the opinions of anyone, especially a man.
SSAW responded to this saying, “That movie is a piece of ship,” and “Oh flip off!”
4/26/24
The SSAW PPV had a lot of buys, but over 90% of the viewers checked out before the main event citing that the match was horrible and the commentators kept snoring obnoxiously, not making the match any better.
Chris Sabin was trapped inside a box last week, but he has made it out all right, when asked all he could say was, “Being a mime is a dangerous thing!”
The anonymous president challenged SSAW’s sexist commentator, Johnny Buackson, to a fight, saying that he was a huge fan of Iron Jawed Angels. Buackson told him that if it’s a fight he wants it’s a fight he’ll get. The president has since backed out of this challenge, noting that he is still sore from golf. This gave a hint at the president’s identity, although it could be a red herring.
4/32/24
Johnny Buackson was arrested for ‘Being a Sexist’ yesterday, but he has since been released because ‘Being a Sexist’ isn’t against the law. But it should be and he should be given the death penalty! That womanizing scumbag frag deserves to die for what he said about Iron Jawed Angels being the nadir of Hilary Swank’s career, because that’s flipping bullship. Hilary Swank is still acting today and making way worse movies than Iron Jawed Angels you know, a movie that won awards!
The state of Pennsylvania has banned SSAW events from taking place in their borders. The reason given is that the company is sexist and the state wishes to separate itself from sexism.
SSAW released a statement saying, “Pennsylvania’s still a state? That place sucks, and no one cares about it,”
Pennsylvania said back, “Well you cared enough to comment on it,” but SSAW was quick to say, “Flip you and I hope all your citizens die,”
4/89/24
We are just five days away from Maximum Pain 2 and WOAH SHIP MO’SUCKRAS IT’S GON BE GOOD!
SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships – Table Match
“Too Sauce To Handle” “Steaky” Gene Barbecue © and “A-1” “Saucy” Francis Barbecue © (The Natural Born Grillers) vs. “The Present Warrior” Vio Lent
AND
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
They are saying the show will be available in 687 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
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