BRM Reviews the 5/24/2012 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- I cannot even find the words to describe how horrificly bad I thought this segment was. There are no words in any language to describe how much I absolutely abhorred this segment. This is beyond loathing. This whole segment was the equivalent of TNA Creative walking up to Kayfabe, kneeing it in the balls, beating it to death with a lead pipe, then taking a giant dump on its chest.
Hogan has apparently called a meeting of AJ, Kurt, Jeff Hardy, & Bull Ray. He immediately gives away the fact that this show was taped a week and a half ago, gives everyone the format to read, then says that they aren’t going to listen to the format. With the number of times matches on the show have been changed or made on the spot by the authority figure, the only context in which Hogan’s statement is anything novel at all is if the word “format” is being used to mean “script.” Hogan says that the way that they used to produce wrestling shows doesn’t work anyone. Once again, this statement makes no sense in the context of kayfabe and therefore is meant to be breaking kayfabe to create a worked shoot.
The inherent flaw in a worked shoot done like this is the following: Everyone knows that it is scripted. And now you are claiming that you are going off script… but if you just admitted that things are scripted, why are we supposed to believe that you would allow something to go off-script, be recorded on camera, and still air?!
Oh, and having music intended to build tension playing in the background only adds to the scripted feel.

Anyway, the reason that this meeting has been called is that for some reason, having Bobby Roode become the longest reigning TNA World Heavyweight Champion in history is a horrible thing. Kurt asks this question, too, and Hogan’s answer is a bunch of crap about Bobby Roode “controlling the pace of this company.” What the hell does that even mean?
Equally stupid is Hogan saying that Bobby Roode as champ has been a good thing for TNA because, according to Hogan, having Bobby Roode as champion is what has allowed TNA to “explore other avenues and give other people chances and do things like Open Fight Night and Gut Check” How the hell does that make any sense?!

Hogan then says that he “thinks” that Jeff, Angle, and AJ can beat Roode, and that he “knows” that Bully Ray can beat Roode… but because he has only been a singles main event level wrestler for just one year, Hogan will not be giving Bully Ray the title shot. WTF!!!!!!!!?

At the rate at which I am having to pause this show to go bang my head against a wall, I might well wind up with a concussion before the third commercial break.

GAIL KIM PROMO- eh, but at least someone has finally realized that one of the Knockouts’ Tag Team Champions should be ineligible to hold the belts due to having a Y chromosome.

ODB & ERIC YOUNG vs. GAIL KIM & MADISON RAYNE- 2/10

HOGAN ON THE PHONE WITH A MYSTERY PERSON- fifty bucks says the mystery person is Sting.

ROB VAN DAM PROMO- - ABOUT F*CKING TIME! Gunner intentionally injures RVD with a DDT onto the concrete, costing him three months of his career… and RVD hasn’t even thought about getting revenge yet? I had honestly thought that TNA had entirely forgotten about this.

ROB VAN DAM vs. GUNNER- 3.75/10
Well… that was short.

TNA TV TITLE MATCH: Devon(c) vs. Garrett Bischoff- DUD!
This goes about two minutes before Rob Terry and Robbie E. jump Devon and Garrett causing what I assume was a DQ (although we don’t actually know because no official result was ever announced). This gets NO REACTION WHATSOEVER.

HOGAN ELIMINATES JEFF HARDY- wow. The logic here actually made sense.

BULLY RAY CALLS OUT JOSEPH PARK- surely Joseph Park, a lawyer, should know that you are not allowed to jump the guardrail! Or maybe Joseph Park isn’t that smart after all, as he refers to “Article 10, Section 6” of the US Constitution being the one the guarantees Bully Ray a fair and speedy trial and judgment by a jury of his peers. Those of you who remember what you learned in your high-school civics class will know that this right is guaranteed by Sixth Amendment, and that “Article 10, Section 6” DOES NOT EXIST.
Anyway, Joseph Park holds an impromptu “trial” of Bully Ray for the disappearance of Abyss with the fans as the jury. The fans all chant “GUILTY!” I, meanwhile, have resumed banging my head against the wall. ABYSS WAS ON TV TWO WEEKS AGO! Obviously Bully Ray hasn’t done anything to him! This crap is so stupid that I actually popped when Bully Ray kicked Joseph Park in the balls.

JOEY RYAN! F*CK YES!

GUT CHECK MATCH: Joey Ryan vs. Austin Aries- 4/10
Very good for such a short match. Ryan was much more impressive than Alex Silva.
Finally! The match-up we never got in ROH in 2009 due to Aries hiring Joey Ryan to watch his back at Violent Tendencies (“you wax my mustache, I’ll wax yours” remains, in my opinion, one of the single funniest lines in the history of pro wrestling).

TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Bobby Roode(c) vs. AJ Styles- 8/10
An awesome match, and the best match on Impact in an extremely long time. Probably since MCMG vs. Beer Money from The Whole F’N Show way back in August 2010.

CLOSING SEGMENT- Sometimes I hate it when I’m right. Sting comes back and jumps Bobby Roode, then Hogan makes Sting vs. Bobby Roode in a Lumberjack match as the opener for next week’s show.

Overall, a crappy episode of Impact, with the excellent main event saving it from being offensively bad.

[Big Bad Booty Daddy]

TNA makes me laugh. So having a guy who was pretty much in TNA from day one is a BAD thing having him as World Champ?? WTF??

Then having 4 guys (3 ex WWE, and one guy who is apparently only a top player in TNA cause hes been knocking the boss off) are better role models for the belt then the guy whs been with TNA for the last 10 years, Yeah that makes sense!!!

Then having Garrett Bischoff in a Championship match against Devon?? WHY have this useless dude when Crimsons doing nothing, neither is Morgan, Joe and Magnus have just lost the belts so have them get title shots before that usless Garrett gets a shot.

Have to also admit, Gail Kim's voice is annoying so is Madison Raine's gimmick!!

[Serujuunin]

Have to also admit, Gail Kim's voice is annoying so is Madison Raine's gimmick!!

This. Gail sounds like more of a man than Lita.

[Big Bad Booty Daddy]

Have to also admit, Gail Kim's voice is annoying so is Madison Raine's gimmick!!

This. Gail sounds like more of a man than Lita.

And Chyna