BRM Reviews the 3/22/2012 Impact (HORRID)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- dull. Dixie carter cuts a terrible promo claiming that, by disrespecting her, Bobby Roode has disrespected the TNA World Title and the company. She is going to fire him, and the crowd is chanting “FIRE BOBBY!” Then Sting comes out and basically explains the kayfabe logic for why we don’t just fire heels in this situation (making the crowd look silly). The crowd (which now seems so obviously coached) starts chanting “we want revenge!” Sting then says something leading to a cliffhanger, and they are nice enough to just stand around and do nothing during a commercial break so us at home don’t miss this important business.

When we come back from commercial, Sting says that he is going to step down as GM to be a full-time wrestler again, and he wants Dixie to put Hogan in charge. Dixie, because she trusts Sting, has no problem with handing the company to a guy who has already once previously pretended to be a nice person just to steal power in TNA, and who personally betrayed her to do so (well, it was a personal betrayal in her opinion. The rest of us just acknowledge that she was an idiot and signed a document before reading it).

BULLY RAY PROMO- eh

Is Alex Shelley THE ONLY guy who doesn’t get a second (or third, or fourth or more) shot at the X-Division Title? Why? He was the one who had the best match? Hell, I’m pretty sure that Tony Nese has only had one win on TV! Seriously! Having Aries feud with these guys is the X-Division booking idea that makes THE LEAST sense. If Sabin is coming back soon, why not have Aries engage in a slightly longer feud with Shelley, getting the clean win at the end, so the other guys can actually get some wins and look important before stepping into the ring with Aries again? Alex Shelley is a somebody. With the exception of Kid Kash and Brian Kendrick, the guys Aries has beaten are nobodies (Ion is good, but he is still, at the moment, a nobody), and what’s worse, they are nobodies whom we have already seen Aries beat a whole bunch of times.

FATAL FOUR WAY MATCH FOR THE TNA X-DIVISION TITLE: Austin Aries(c) vs. Kid Kash vs. Anthony Nese vs. Zema Ion- 4/10
Enjoyable for what it was, which was a spotfest until Bully Ray came out and attacked everyone.

BULLY RAY “TAKES THE IMPACT ZONE HOSTAGE”- a total failure. He is just beats up some X-Division guys and then leaves? How does that help him get what he wants? He didn’t make any demands! Compare this to Triple H standing in the middle of the ring on Smackdown until he got what he wanted and anyone who tried to remove him wound up on the wrong end of a shot with a sledgehammer. Compare this to Nexus stating that they would keep assaulting and hospitalizing people until their demands were met. This was just weak, and Bully Ray not staying in the ring (and thus continuing to hold the show hostage) made no sense.

MEXICAN AMERICA AND THE GUY FROM REPO GAMES- a moronic segment, but I am assuming that this segment was Spike TV’s fault, not TNA’s. I do assume, though, that it was TNA’s fault for using Mexican America here, as opposed to someone else. Making them look dumb before their various TNA Tag Team Title matches tonight was a horrible decision

TNA KNOCKOUTS’ TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: ODB & Eric Young(c) vs. Rosita & Sarita- DUD!
ODB is the babyface in peril and makes the hot tag. EY does a bunch of cartwheels, then Sarita and Rosita try to seduce him (you know, because that usually works on someone who got engaged two weeks ago when his fiancee is standing three feet away from him). ODB gets up, hits Rosita with a TKO, then wastes forty seconds yelling at and then kissing EY, before throwing him down on top of Rosita who, despite not taking much damage this match, still has not recovered enough strength to kick out.

CRIMSON PROMO- AWESOME! I loved him taking a shot at the Direct Auto Insurance commercial. I didn’t like Morgan beating him up, though. It just felt unnecessary. They already have heat going into their match.

DIXIE CARTER PROMO- bad. Just come out and say it. You trust Sting, but you don’t trust Hogan, so you’re not sure what to do. It’s not that hard. Instead we got some semi-convoluted crap with Dixie trying to make this more complicated than it is.

JEFF HARDY PROMO- good until he explained his logic for wanting Kurt in a cage. The ropes can still matter in a cage match. It still has pinfalls, so Kurt can still use the ropes for illegal leverage. You don’t need justification for a cage match. It’s Lockdown!

JEFF HARDY MEETS ABYSS’ BROTHER- has Abyss’ brother really been going around backstage only talking to one person a week? You would think that TNA would put some effort into trying to find their missing employee and maybe let the guy give a speech to the whole locker room or something, but apparently not.

JAMES STORM & BOBBY ROODE VIDEO PACKAGE- HORRIBLE! This video package told the story of two guys who have worked hard to make it to the top. While this description does fit both Storm and Roode, that is not the story of this feud (for more on this, read the rant below).

JAMES STORM PROMO & SEGMENT WITH BOBBY ROODE’S LAWYER- Absolutely atrocious. First, let me get a few points of kayfabe logic/continuity out of the way:

James Storm (talking about Bobby Roode’s actions at Victory Road)- “a man that hits a woman is not a man at all.” That’s great and all, James, but you are forgetting one important detail: HE DIDN’T HIT HER!
Then Bobby Roode’s lawyer comes out, and tells us that Bobby Roode will remain in his home until further notice. He says that the only outstanding obligation that Roode has is to defend the title against James Storm at Lockdown. Are you telling me that TNA contracts don’t require their wrestlers to appear on TV tapings unless they specifically have a match? Apparently some combination of James Storm and Bobby Roode has booking power, as they are able to make a handicap match with Storm taking on both Kaz and Daniels.
Then we got the one thing that I knew was coming, but was praying somehow wouldn’t happen. James Storm Superkicked Bobby Roode’s lawyer to send him a message. First of all, Storm JUST DID send Bobby Roode a message with that promo he just cut on him on national TV. Second of all, over the past six months, we have repeatedly both seen and been told that Bobby Roode is a selfish jackass who only cares about himself… so why would he give a damn if James Storm attacks his lawyer? Third of all, at the beginning of his promo, James Storm mentions how he holds the things his father taught him about proper conduct (like that hitting a woman is wrong) in very high regard. I guess Mr. Storm never taught little James that it is wrong to assault an innocent person. Taz and Tenay have no problem with this as well.

Now for the aforementioned rant: James Storm’s words weren’t bad… they just should not be the top issue on James Storm’s mind here. This promo of Storm’s was generic babyface. What I means by that is not that Storm’s character is a generic babyface (he certainly isn’t… in fact, that is a large part of why I am going on this rant), but rather that any generic babyface could play this role right now. It is the same role that Jeff Hardy had been playing when he was feuding with Roode, and if Jeff were still in that role, or if they used AJ Styles or RVD or Devon or just about any babyface aside from Anderson (or maybe Joe), everything would still be the same: Bobby Roode is a jerk, and doesn’t deserve to represent TNA as its World Heavyweight Champion, and he is outraged by the way that Bobby Roode has disrespect Dixie Carter and Sting, who are both nice people and very important people in TNA who deserve a lot more respect than Roode is giving them. It would work fine for anyone else… but not for James Storm against Bobby Roode.

Five months ago Bobby Roode turned heel by smashing his tag team partner and best friend James Storm over the head with a beer bottle so that he could take the TNA World Heavyweight Title from him. This is a story of betrayal. A bond of brotherhood of the strongest kind- brotherhood by choice- shattered by one brother’s jealously and greed. The story of a friendship ruined.

This is honestly one of the easiest angles to book in all of wrestling. One tag partner turns on the other for whatever selfish reason, the partner who was wronged wants revenge. The now-heel partner comes up with various ways of dodging his angry former friend; gets some obstacles to put in his path, runs away from him, whatever… until we get our final confrontation in a situation where the heel is forced by whatever means (a decree from management that he will get in trouble if he runs away, a Cage Match to keep him in the ring, a Falls Count Anywhere Match to let the babyface keep pursuing him if he runs off, etc.) to face the music.

This is an angle that is simple enough to book that WWE has booked it (or admittedly, a simplified version of it) SO MANY times in the past few years that it has lost all meaning there (the Hart Dynasty break-up, the Cryme Tyme break-up, the Colons break-up, the Jeri-Show break-up, The Awesome Truth break-up, the Matt vs. Jeff feud…). Hell, TNA themselves managed to do it semi-decently just last year with the Bubba vs. Devon feud, and seemed to be on the right track with Jeff vs. RVD, too. And yet here, where it is the biggest angle on the show, they have utterly failed.

Storm’s promo (as well as the video package) do not fit this feud at all. This feud should be filled with HATE. An all out brawl. TNA should have either found some way to keep Storm away from Roode until the build-up to Lockdown started (like they seemed to be doing last year with RVD vs. Jeff), then had Roode run away or screw James Storm both out of the world title and out of matches with him so that he could avoid facing the consequences of what he had done to Storm back in November (yes, I know it was taped in October, but it aired in November, so for us spoiler-free guys, that means November), leading to Sting making a TNA World Title match between the two at Lockdown, where Roode can’t cheaply get himself DQed to save the belt and he can’t run away to avoid getting an ass-kicking from Storm. But instead, it is all about Bobby Roode the mean heel who disrespected the bosses and will be punished for it by the generic babyface who just happens to be played by James Storm, and as a result, we aren’t going to get the epic confrontation that Roode vs. Storm should be.

KURT ANGLE & GARRETT BISCHOFF BACKSTAGE- moronic. Kurt was in his slightly over the top semi-delusional comedic heel mode, which didn’t work here. Their interaction here just sucked. Then, because Garrett survived a five minute challenge, they make a three minute challenge for later tonight. This is just so utterly and completely backwards. You increase the time, not decrease it. “The last time these two met, they went five minutes and there was no winner. Now there are only three minutes… will we finally get a winner?” No. I’m gonna guess that we’re not going to.

THREE MINUTE CHALLENGE: Kurt Angle vs. Garrett Bischoff- DUD!

Like any young babyface eager to prove that he is tough enough to last in the ring against Kurt Angle, Garrett spends the first minute of the match just jaw-jacking. Then, once Kurt manages to get in his first reversal after Garrett’s initial burst of offense, Garrett, once again like a young babyface who wants to prove himself in the ring against of one the best of all time… stalls. Then Gunner comes out and he and Kurt beat Garrett down until Jeff comes out… by himself, with no weapons or anything… and this is enough to make Kurt Angle, one of the all-time greats, and Gunner, a former US Marine and kayfabe tough-guy with the nickname “Mr. Intensity,” run away, despite having a two-on-one advantage.

In talking about Kurt refusing Jeff Hardy’s request for a rematch, Taz and Tenay make me wonder why it is that Sting or Dixie haven’t granted Jeff a rematch with Kurt Angle. Them not doing so only gives credence to the theory advocated by Bobby Roode (you know, the heel who thinks the world should revolve around him) that Sting is out to get him and only him.

TAZ AND TENAY TELL US THAT HULK HOGAN WILL BE ARRIVING AT THE IMPACT ZONE SOON- Which means that Sting, who had obviously put a lot of thought over the past few days into both his decision to step down as GM and his decision to endorse Hulk Hogan as his replacement… didn’t even tell Hulk about it? And if he did, and Hulk didn’t bother to show up for this show. What does that say about how responsible he is?

TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Samoa Joe & Magnus(c) vs. Mexican America (w/Sarita & Rosita)- 4.5/10.

So these two guys who haven’t been on TV at all are getting a title shot?
TNA has the exact opposite problem as ROH right now. In ROH people almost never earn title shots. In TNA people almost never earn title shots.

HULK HOGAN SHOWS UP AT THE ARENA- When asked what his thoughts were on (possibly) becoming General Manager of Impact, Hogan said “I have no idea what you’re taking about. I only came because Sting called me.” This tells us two things. First, that Sting, deciding that he wanted to name Hulk Hogan as the General Manager of Impact, Sting not only didn’t ask Hulk’s permission before appointing him… he didn’t even mention it to him. And second (and perhaps more problematic)… Hulk Hogan wasn’t watching Impact. Hulk Hogan, a TNA employee, didn’t care enough to watch the product his company puts on. Hulk Hogan, the guy who has been telling us how awesome TNA is for over two years now… doesn’t even bother to watch the show. This not only shoots the credibility of Hulk’s praise of the company, but it also seems to be an indication that maybe Hulk wouldn’t be such a good choice to be GM, seeing as how he really doesn’t seem to care too much about the company he works for.

SECOND SEGMENT WITH MEXICAN AMERICAN AND THE REPO GAMES GUY- bad.
Between FOUR TNA wrestlers, they can’t come up with the money to pay for a car? TNA must pay them dirt. Then Sarita & Rosita leave with the Repo Games guy, saying “no money, no honeys.” Apparently they are gold-diggers now, which completely flies in the face of everything we have been told about Mexican America. And, with as close as Mexican America supposedly was, Sarita & Rosita didn’t know that Anarquia and Hernandez had no money? And to put a cherry on top of this sundae of stupidity, the Repo Games guy, Sarita, and Rosita walk off together… rather than GETTING INTO THE TOW-TRUCK THAT THE REPO GAMES GUY OWNS… WHICH IS RIGHT THERE... ATTACHED TO THE CAR THAT HE NEEDS TO REPOSSESS… and which the owner of the car (and his friend) who has already tried to take the car back by intimidation once, and who are now even angrier because their... groupies? Friends with benefits? (or whatever) just left them for him because he exposed the fact that they had no money (so they not only want the car, but probably some revenge, too) are STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO!

HANDICAP MATCH: James Storm vs. Christopher Daniels & Kazarian- no rating. This was a decent segment, but it absolutely should not have been the main event.

CLOSING SEGMENT WITH STING, DIXIE, AND HOGAN- Dixie once again ignores the entirety of 2010, when she didn’t trust Sting at all. Sting says that he has been with Hogan all day (and yet he didn’t tell Hogan that he wanted him to be the new GM of Impact? Or even make sure that Hulk was at the show? Or make sure he was at least watching it on TV?) Sting calls out and gets the people to chant Hogan’s name. Then the show goes off the air without Hogan giving anyone an answer.

I am writing this Friday afternoon. I have just checked TNA’s website for some update on this. Did Hogan say yes? Did he say no? Did he say he needs time to think about it? Answer: NONE OF THE ABOVE! The only thing mentioned was the cliffhanger. Apparently, important business like who should run the show is only discussed while the show is actually going on. How hard would it to have been to have Hogan say “I need some time to think about it. Give me a week, and I’ll have your answer by the time Impact ends next week.” We get the same cliffhanger, but doing it this way preserves kayfabe by actually making it look like TNA and storyline decisions exist while the show is not on the air!

Overall, this show was downright awful. As The Rock would say, it ABSOLUTELY SUCKED! This was worse than this week’s Raw which (as Cero put it) was like WWE doing a two hour long edition of the ROH video wire. This was terrible. I am trying to think of ways to express how bad this show was, but I think that the best way I can put it would be this: The best part of this show, BY FAR… was a promo by Crimson.


So far this week ROH stunk, Raw was horrible, and Impact was even worse. Hopefully Smackdown is good (edited on Saturday night: it wasn't), and if not… thank G-d for FCW.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Tenay- “One hell of an effort by Garrett Bischoff in the three minute challenge against Kurt Angle”- Yeah, that was a great effort with his all of that stalling and running away he was doing.

2. Tenay- “Gunner forced to come out to Kurt Angle- to his rescue”- same as above. Kurt really needed to be rescued from Garrett’s running away. Not unless Kurt was going to have an aneurism out of frustration.

3. When Mexican America goes for an assisted Stinger Splash and Magnus avoids the move, Tenay blames it on Mexican America having “communication issues.” What are you talking about, Tenay?! HE DUCKED! There was no mistake by Mexican America! Magnus was just too quick for them. Plain and simple. I would love to have Michael Cole and Josh Matthews join in on commentary for Impact one week, just to hear them tear Taz and Tenay a new one whenever they say something stupid. By the end of the show, their asses would have so many giant, gaping holes in them that you could easily mistake them for a month’s worth of TNA storylines.

[Rabid619]

EY & ODB shouldn't be Champions still, Spikes policy about Male on Female violence should do something at least BUT the fact that EY is not female means he shouldn't be holding a Knockouts Championship because he's NOT a Knockout.

[e-moose]

I'd like to mention that Rosita & Sarita & O.D.B. provided some really good wrestling action (as is par for the course for the TNA knockouts) and were hindered by the Eric Young distraction. Yes the whole Eric Young involvement in the Knockouts division is completely and utterly stupid.