BRM Reviews WWE Money in the Bank 2019 (a tale of two shows)

[Big Red Machine]

WWE Money in the Bank 2019 (5/19/2019)- Hartford, CT

KICK-OFF SHOW:
I tuned in late and am going to try to cram some CHIKARA in while the panel is talking some I’m going to ignore most of the promos, but one thing I need to note here is how awkward it was to have Lacey Evans cut a promo about how she is going to take Becky’s title... and then start cutting another promo about how Charlotte is also going to beat Becky and take a title from her. Why does Lacey even care if Charlotte wins or loses, never mind have a desire to cut a promo on Charlotte’s behalf? Having her do this makes it feel like WWE is shouting “THIS IS THE STORY WE’RE TRYING TO TELL!” rather than having everyone act naturally and allowing the story to speak for itself as it unfolds.

The panel impressed upon us the fact that “if Roman Reigns does not beat Elias tonight, then Smackdown will not be Roman Reigns’ yard.” How on Earth is anyone supposed to care about whether or not “Smackdown will be Roman Reigns’ yard?” What does that even mean? Does he have to leave Smackdown if he loses? That’s what it sounds like. Otherwise what is being asked here? If Roman will still be able to say his catchphrase? I’ll bet you anything that on the insane off chance that Roman loses tonight, either he or the announcers will tell us that Smackdown is his “yard” at least once on this week’s show. You can’t promote a match based on an abstract buzzwords!

USOS PROMO- terrible.
They’re doing John Cena stuff now, calling Dragon & Rowan “Sponge Bob Square Pants and Patrick.” Remember four weeks ago when seeing the Usos come out was exciting because you knew you were getting a good promo or a great match instead of terrifying because of whatever ridiculous, petty, childish bullsh*t you know they’re about to engage in?

THE USOS vs. DANIEL BRYAN & ERICK ROWAN- 7/10
A great opener marred by frustrating booking, as the Smackdown Tag Team Champion lose cleanly to a team from Raw, and one they just beat to win the titles less than two weeks ago... and while they’re supposed to be involved in a feud with The Revival. Would it really have been that hard to have Bryan & Rowan win clean and The Revival then make fun of the Usos on Raw for losing? Or if you don’t want to give your heel champions a clean win then at least have The Revival cost the Usos tonight’s match!


MAIN SHOW:

WOMEN’S MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH: Naomi vs. Ember Moon vs. Nikki Cross vs. Dana Brooke vs. Bayley vs. Natalya vs. Carmella vs. Mandy Rose (w/Sonya Deville)- 7/10
Naomi has chosen to engage in what I assume is some manner of cosplay that has required her to dress like a bumblebee tonight. Their attempt at complicated ladder spots for Naomi came off as WAY too choreographed. To contrast, I thought they did the “a bunch of people on the ladder at the same time” spot very well.
Everyone got their chance to shine other than Nattie. I think that just being a part of the pack in her first big match was not beneficial for Nikki Cross at all. They actually had me going there with that Dana Brooke tease.
Carmella went off with a leg injury, but came limping down the ramp. Mandy Rose, being an idiot, decided to go run up the ramp to fight the LIMPING woman instead of trying to climb the ladder and grab the briefcase before the limping Carmella was able to stop her. Carmella won this fight, then almost got the briefcase down before being stopped by the interfering Sonya Deville. Sonya then grabbed Mandy, picked her up onto her shoulders, and climbed her almost the whole way up the ladder before Bayley stopped them and won the match. I’m happy for Bayley, but that is overpowered by the sadness I feel about the months of irrelevant purgatory that failing to win this match has likely doomed Ember Moon to.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS BAYLEY- Good babyface stuff. More importantly, it was good singles babyface stuff, putting the tag titles behind her.

TRIPLE H & SAMI ZAYN BACKSTAGE- Sami annoyed Hunter while he was on the phone. He was worried about Braun taking revenge on him. Hunter told him Braun had been banned from the building. Sami said he still wanted protection but Hunter told him to fight for himself.
I’m sure this segment came across exactly the way they wanted it, but the way they wanted it was a just plain bad idea. Making Sami look like annoying wimp doesn’t help anyone (he’s already an annoying heel, and making him a wimp doesn’t help him, and therefore doesn’t help any babyface who beats him, either), and Hunter was clearly trying to come across as the “cool” McMahon and make the heel Sami look bad, but in doing so he showed that he had no problem with the way babyface Braun was screwed out of his MITB spot so he’s not really a babyface, is he?

WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: Samoa Joe(c) vs. Rey Mysterio Jr.- DUD!
I realize this was supposed to be a segment more than anything else, but I don’t care. We already got these guys in a short match last month at WrestleMania. This was the same as that except this time Rey busted Joe open and managed to get a win so fluky it shouldn’t even have counted because Joe’s shoulder was pretty clearly up for the large majority of the count. Joe came back after the match and assaulted Rey in front of Dominic. So what? Didn’t Dominic watch him beat his dad up last month? Why does the proximity matter? We’re in the exact same place we were after WrestleMania except the other guy is the champion. Why didn’t you just put the belt on Joe and do this angle then instead of wasting a month of TV? Also, this is the THIRD storyline WWE has going on right now about someone beating up someone’s dad (Miz vs. Shane and Shane vs. Roman being the other two).

BRAUN STROWMAN IS ON A RAMPAGE BACKSTAGE- Yeah. They’re not even going to try to make it a surprise when Braun show sup during the MITB match. Also, he is demanding to know where Sami Zayn is, but seems to have no interest at all in the other two heels- who are both longtime enemies of his, might I add- who helped Sami beat him.

STEEL CAGE MATCH: The Miz vs. Shane McMahon- 4.5/10
When Shane tried to escape the cage right away, Michael Cole commented that “many call it the cowardly way out.” Cole has been calling cage matches with these same rules for two decades now and I don’t think I’ve ever heard him make any sort of reference to this opinion before. Cole later noted that Shane “has been running away from Miz for weeks now.” That might be true, but the problem with this whole feud is the fact that SHANE WAS THE ONE WHO BOOKED THE MATCH, AND WITH ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR MAKING IT A CAGE MATCH!
They did a spot where Miz hit the Skull-Crushing Finale but Shen got his foot on the ropes. Cole got upset because “there are no disqualifications” in a cage match and therefore, in his mind, the referee shouldn’t have stopped the count. Both Renee and the crowd agreed with Cole’s opinion, so absolutely none of them actually understand the rules. A pin or submission with some part of the opponent’s body on/under the ropes is not a legal maneuver. That’s why you have to break or else be disqualified. Just because you can’t be disqualified doesn’t change the fact that the situation itself is inherently illegal and you can’t win in an illegal situation. It’s similar to a no DQs tag match: Just because you can’t get DQed for having both guys in the ring past the five count doesn’t mean you the non-legal wrestler is allowed to make a pinfall.
The story was mostly Miz beating Shane up and Shane slipping free, including slipping out of his shirt as Miz was grabbing it to fall over the edge of the cage to win. In other words, Miz beat Shane up a bunch but Shane escaped with the win due to was is pretty much just dumb luck. So again, we’re in the same exact place we were after WrestleMania.

SAMI ZAYN HAS BEEN FOUND BACKSTAGE, HUNG BY HIS ANKLES FROM A COVENIENTLY HIGH-ENOUGH PIECE OF FENCING- I find it ridiculous that Braun- especially in his current state- would waste time stringing Sami up like that rather than just leaving his body lying on the ground. So my guess is that Bray Wyatt did it. He’s the only person on the roster who gives me a “tie someone up and hang them upside down” kind of vibe, though I guess Aleister Black is also possible.
When we cut back to the ring, we had the 205 Live announcers with us. At that point Aiden English asked (paraphrasing) ‘if Sami Zayn is hanging there backstage, how is he going to climb the ladder and grab the briefcase later?’ Umm... BECAUSE THEY’RE GOING TO CUT HIM DOWN, DUMBASS!

WWE CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Tony Nese(c) vs. Ariya Daivari- 6.75/10
Daivari got to enter in a fancy car because that’s what WWE does with wrestlers who have a rich-guy gimmick. The match was, unfortunately, a little rushed, but they hit all of their big spots, Nese kicked out of Daivari’s finisher which had not previously been kicked out of, then hit his own finisher to hand Daivari his first loss in 2019. This is even more evidence for my theory that 205 Live would be best served by keeping its biggest matches off of PPV unless they can get the 16-25 minutes they would be given on the weekly show. And if that doesn’t happen on a show when eight of biggest names from each division- including the IC champion- are being tied up in just two matches (nine on the men’s side if we count Braun), none of the three tag titles are being defended, and the US Title match went less than two minutes, then when will it happen?

TRIPLE H & BRAUN STROWMAN BACKSTAGE- Hunter tells a rather calm Braun that he won’t get into the MITB match by taking Sami out and tells Braun to leave. Braun pleads innocence as far as attacking Sami goes, and tells Hunter “whatever” in response to Hunter’s order to leave. We are apparently supposed to think that he left, as that is what the announcers and Hunter seem to think. If he did, that makes Braun come across rather lame, especially if he didn’t actually attack Sami.

WWE RAW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Becky Lynch(c) vs. Lacey Evans- 5/10
Lacey’s entrance and attire were too cartoonish to describe, but I will tell you that she had holsters from which she pulled out guns that shot money with her picture on it. Becky won cleanly via submission in a match without much of a coherent story and a quite a number of sloppy parts. Lacey didn’t even get any nearfalls that felt like real false finishes.

WWE SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Becky Lynch(c) vs Charlotte Flair- 4/10
The story is that this match wasn’t scheduled for right now but Charlotte goaded Becky into having the match right now. Becky is going to look like an idiot if she loses. They played off of one or two spots in the previous match where Becky’s knee was worked over (the knee injury that they haven’t mentioned for weeks is all of a sudden supposed to be something we remember and consider serious now).
They had more of a brawl than most of their previous matches. Lacey Evans came out to hit Becky with the Woman’s Right when the referee was distracted, but Becky immediately rolled Charlotte up with a small package, killing Lacey’s finish. Charlotte kicked, then hit a big boot and pinned Becky, so all of that knee stuff led to nothing. The match went less than seven minutes.

POST-MATCH SEMENT- didn’t like it
Becky attacks Lacey, but Charlotte came over to help Lacey out and they both beat Becky up. As I alluded to above, the problem with all of this is that lacey and Charlotte have no real reason to work together. Lacey’s interference to help Charlotte win and Charlotte helping Lacey here both feel like they happened because the story wants the odds to be stacked against Becky and Becky to get screwed out of her title rather than for any real reason.
Bayley eventually ran out to make the save for Becky, which wound up with her laying Charlotte out and cashing in Money in the Bank to set up a...

WWE SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Charlotte Flair(c) vs. Bayley- no rating
Bayley hit her elbow and won the title. So instead of turning Bayley heel on Becky, which would give Bayley some much-needed refreshing we gave Bayley the belt, which seems like it should send Becky to Raw to feud with Lacey and leave us with a Bayley vs. Charlotte feud that we’ve also seen way too much of. Either that or Becky is still around and they’re going to try to slow-burn her heel turn, but the way they did this will necessitate Charlotte being involved, so we’ve now got Charlotte feuding with two women we’ve seen her feud with way too much.

THE DRIFTER SNEAKS UP BEHIND ROMAN REIGNS AND HITS HIM WITH A GUITAR- This got a mixed reaction from the crowd. Roman is now laid out and the answers wonder how he will ever be able to compete in his match, which is scheduled for next. The Drifter heads to the ring and...

THE DRIFTER PLAYS AN ELECTRIC GUITAR IN THE RING- bad segment
That’s right. He’s not demanding that the referee declare him the winner by forfeit because Roman can’t show up or anything like that. He’s just playing his f*cking guitar. On a G-d damn PPV. Again.
First he makes a joke about not being able to use his usual acoustic guitar because “my guitar broke.” The fans all cheered and laughed at his joke. Then he buried the city... and everyone seemed to cheer. Talking about the Whalers leaving finally managed to get him booed. Then he finished his song, and the same fans who were just booing him, all clapped politely.
Then The Drifter headed up the ramp and got most of the way there before Roman’s music hit and he nailed The Drifter with a Superman Punch. Then he rolled The Drifter into the ring and the referee rang the bell for...

“THE DRIFTER” ELIAS SAMPSON vs. ROMAN REIGNS- DUD!
Roman hit one spear and won. This was a TV segment that they put on TV. The fans were lukewarm at best for this. Tom Phillips somehow told us that being the f*cking Drifter proved that Roman was “the greatest acquisition in Smackdown history.”

For the record, there have now been eight matches on the main show of this PPV. Two of them (women’s MITB and Miz vs. Shane) have gone between 13 and fourteen minutes. None of the others have made it to ten. Three of them have gone less than two minutes. The time between the end of Roman vs. Drifter and the beginning of the next match was longer than the previous three matches combined.

WWE UNIVERSAL TITLE MATCH: Seth Rollins(c) vs. AJ Styles- 8.75/10
FINALLY something worth watching, but even this dramatic athletic encounter was not enough to save this show on its own.

CHARLY CARUSO INTERVIEWS NEW DAY- great!
Xavier’s pep-talk to Kofi echoed sentiments I have been feeling myself, which are that Kofi’s success is still being portrayed as part of New Day’s success rather than an individual accomplishment.

LUCHA HOUSE PARTY PROMO- Why are they even out here? They said nothing of any importance.

LUCHA HOUSE PARTY VS. ?- no rating, pointless, terrible, tasteless segment
Instead of their opponents coming out, Lars Sullivan came out. They tried to attack him one at a time like dumb AI and got beaten up (though Lars got busted open at some point).
1. What purpose did this serve? Lars beating people up and looking like a monster is nothing new. This was nothing but a waste of time that could have made a real difference for the Cruiserweight Title match or Becky vs. Lacey.
2. Which idiot thought it was a good idea at this particular point in time to have Lars come out and beat up three Hispanic guys for no reason?
3. And of all of the minority wrestlers in the company to choose, why the hell would you choose the one who angrily tweeted that Lars had better “stay out of {his} way?”
The idiocy and tastelessness of this is utterly astounding. How tone deaf are they?! What’s next? Are they going to introduce a journalist character and then have Mansour attack him the week before the Saudi Arabia show?

WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Kofi Kingston(c) vs. Kevin Owens- 8.5/10
Okay, now we’re almost starting to make up for everything between the women’s MITB match and now. This was an emotion-filled, nearfall-heavy match with a very hot crowd. Hopefully the men’s MITB match can continue our streak of awesome matches and close this show out on a strong note.

WWE SUPER SHOWDOWN COMMERCIAL- They announced Taker vs. Goldberg. They did not mention the location of the show in print, although Tom Phillips did quickly mention that the show would take place in “Jeddah,” no country given. Also announced were a pointless fifty-man battle royale, an equally pointless Hunter vs. Orton match, an Andrade vs. Balor IC Title match, and a Strowman vs. Lashley match, which actually feels like something that could have been important if they gave it some actual build.

MICK FOLEY WILL ANNOUNCE WWE'S NEWEST TITLE TOMORROW NIGHT ON RAW- Because adding another title will definitely fix the ratings.

MEN’S MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH: Drew McIntyre vs. Baron Corbin vs. Ricochet vs. Randy Orton vs. Mustafa Ali vs. Andrade “Cien” Almas vs. Finn Balor- 8.5/10
They did crazy, scary spots. Ali was about to win when Brock Lesnar’s music played. Brock showed, up pushed Ali over, and pulled the briefcase down... and then the bell rang and Brock won because he was secretly in the match the whole time, I guess? This is so dumb. Michael Cole is trying to convince us that this is Seth Rollins “worst nightmare,” but the way I see it, this is good for Seth because I’m pretty sure Seth has no plans to show up in Brock’s living room any time soon, and that is where WWE would have us believe Brock spends 95% of his time.
I’ve been waiting for them to do the “someone steals the briefcase” angle for YEARS and now that they finally try to do it, they f*ck it up, both by having Brock’s win be official (so management clearly approves of his presence) and by wasting it on someone who doesn’t kayfabe NEED the contract for some reason or another. Stealing MITB is the sort of thing you have a babyface do when the heel authority figures have stacked the odds against him/her and declared that they will never, ever allow him/her to have a title shot again, or a way to have an outsider come in and set up the “oh no! This person could win the title even though he/she isn’t under contract and thus go leave the company with it” angle. Here they’re just doing it for the sake of doing it.
But on the bright side, at least we won’t have to see them tease cash-ins every single week for a month like they usually do after MITB, so that’s good. Also, for the record, I don’t think that it was Brock who attacked Sami Zayn, either.

This was a mess of a show from WWE. As I’ve already said, everything from the end of the women’s MITB until the Universal Title match started was a sh*t-show waste of time full of poor booking that felt a lot more like an episode of Raw than it did a PPV. The first half hour and last two hours (aside from the Lars stuff, obviously) were totally awesome and worth your time to make sure you see. That being said, I am still left in a bad mood at the end of this show due to the finish of the main event, and more specifically due to the person involved. I just don’t want to see Brock Lesnar anymore. I’m tired of seven-minute matches and the world champion being gone for months at a time, and giving Brock the MITB briefcase is basically announcing your intention to go back to doing just that yet again.

[NWK2000]

I tuned in right before AJ/Seth so it looks like I tuned in at the right time.
Also Big Troll Brock shitting on everyone's dreams 10/10

[Big Red Machine]

I tuned in right before AJ/Seth so it looks like I tuned in at the right time.
Also Big Troll Brock shitting on everyone's dreams 10/10

Sad as it is, I'm actually crossing my fingers that this was their way of shoe-horning another Brock title shot in for the Saudi show where he can do the clean job and then go away for good. I am already composing one of my famous parody poems to commemorate the occasion of his final departure from WWE. I've only got the first and last lines down, but they're wonderful.

[cero2k]

MICK FOLEY WILL ANNOUNCE WWE'S NEWEST TITLE TOMORROW NIGHT ON RAW- Because adding another title will definitely fix the ratings.

it'll be the 44/7 hardcore championship, and now you'll have to permanently be glued to the WWE Network waiting for live coverage of someone being attacked

[NWK2000]

MICK FOLEY WILL ANNOUNCE WWE'S NEWEST TITLE TOMORROW NIGHT ON RAW- Because adding another title will definitely fix the ratings.

it'll be the 44/7 hardcore championship, and now you'll have to permanently be glued to the WWE Network waiting for live coverage of someone being attacked

Honestly, a hardcore title with this meaty a roster would actually be cool. Give guys not being used the opportunity to be in goofy backstage segments.

[KILLdozer]

Lesnar. I can't even find the right words.

[cero2k]

Honestly, a hardcore title with this meaty a roster would actually be cool. Give guys not being used the opportunity to be in goofy backstage segments.

a hardcore side is also a good side gimmick that a lot of wrestlers could benefit from now a days, especially the generic guys mojo, murphy, corbin.

[NWK2000]

Honestly, a hardcore title with this meaty a roster would actually be cool. Give guys not being used the opportunity to be in goofy backstage segments.

a hardcore side is also a good side gimmick that a lot of wrestlers could benefit from now a days, especially the generic guys mojo, murphy, corbin.

Even guys that aren't generic that don't have the fleshiest of characters could benefit from a championship that make backstage segments meaningful.

[Big Red Machine]

Honestly, a hardcore title with this meaty a roster would actually be cool. Give guys not being used the opportunity to be in goofy backstage segments.

a hardcore side is also a good side gimmick that a lot of wrestlers could benefit from now a days, especially the generic guys mojo, murphy, corbin.

Because all of those Hardcore Title reigns did so much good for Raven, Richards, Johnny the Bull, Tommy Dreamer, Spike Dudley, Bradshaw, etc.

The only guy to really benefit from that was Crash, and that was because he had a story.

[cero2k]

Because all of those Hardcore Title reigns did so much good for Raven, Richards, Johnny the Bull, Tommy Dreamer, Spike Dudley, Bradshaw, etc.

The only guy to really benefit from that was Crash, and that was because he had a story.

that was 20 years ago and i didn't say 'hardcore reigns', i said hardcore gimmick. Bunch of these guys don't do shit and all their matches are exactly the same, give them a hardcore edge to their gimmicks to make them stand out from the rest of the generic roster they have. You know how they say 'they just another one of the bunch' ? it's because they're all the same

[Big Red Machine]

Because all of those Hardcore Title reigns did so much good for Raven, Richards, Johnny the Bull, Tommy Dreamer, Spike Dudley, Bradshaw, etc.

The only guy to really benefit from that was Crash, and that was because he had a story.

that was 20 years ago and i didn't say 'hardcore reigns', i said hardcore gimmick. Bunch of these guys don't do shit and all their matches are exactly the same, give them a hardcore edge to their gimmicks to make them stand out from the rest of the generic roster they have. You know how they say 'they just another one of the bunch' ? it's because they're all the same

But if they're all suddenly the "Hardcore Title guys" (which is how that group I mentioned earlier often came across- throw Al Snow and Steve Blackman in there, too) then they're all still the same as each other and no one will stand out. You'd need to pick one or two guys and do it in a way that feels organic. And you could do the same for any sort of gimmick (and I agree these guys all need some kind of character definition), without the need to crowd yet another title in.