BRM Reviews the 3/31/2011 Impact

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- Hebner, the original ref, was the one who ordered the bell to be rung. I will admit that I am surprised. This actually MADE SENSE (except for the part about Henber having and the ability to suspend people). RVD asking that Anderson be added to the match doesn’t make much sense, but I think it fits in with the odd combination of cocky and laid back that is RVD.
Then Bischoff came out and made a no-build cage match main event. Dumb. And he had the audacity to say “THAT… IS … RATINGS” I can’t wait to hear Eric try to cover his ass when the numbers come out and we find that this didn’t draw sh*t.

JUST ONCE during the Hogan-Bischoff regime, can we PLEASE have an Impact without a pull-apart brawl?

PROMOS BY RVD, STING, SHANNON MOORE, & SCOTT STEINER- all good, aside from Steiner’s which was great. Although it is a little weird to see Shannon Moore criticizing someone else’s attire while wearing whatever the hell those straps across his chest are.

SHANNON MOORE vs. SCOTT STEINER- 4.25/10, shot, but not terrible. Steiner looked very good in this match.

MAX BUCK vs. JEREMY BUCK- (great hype package)4.75/10

VELVET SKY vs. WINTER- 3.5/10, but the stuff with Angelina and the post-match stuff was very well done.

STING-ANDERSON SEGMENT & HUGE BRAWL, IMMORTAL ATTACK, & SAVE BY RVD- PERFECT!

JARRETTS SEGMENT- How the hell do they not notice the cameraman standing RIGHT THERE? I don’t know about the rest of you, but if I were going to make a fraudulent call, I would try to make sure that there were NO RECORDINGS OF ME DOING IT!

IMMORTAL PROMOS- pretty good.

VELVET PROMO- GREAT!

KURT ANGLE vs. ROB TERRY (w/Jeff Jarrett)- No rating, but a GREAT segment! Until, of course, Kurt gets arrested. THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is the Russo problem. He just has to go that extra-step, but in doing so, he forgets about LOGIC (both kayfabe, and booking)! The cops KNEW WHERE KURT WAS! He was in the ring… why didn’t they go arrest him?
And what, exactly, was the purpose of the Jarretts doing this? There is no evidence that Kurt did whatever they said, so Kurt wouldn’t be found guilty. And THERE IS FOOTAGE OF THE JARRETTS STAGING THIS! Someone is going to watch Impact, see it, and then call the cops and show them the evidence. If we don’t see the Jarretts getting in legal trouble for this next week, the kayfabe implications of that are as follows; either:
1. All of TNA’s fans (as well as the cameraman who taped the footage of the Jarretts staging the assault) are terrible people, because they had the evidence to get help get an innocent man out of jail and arrest two criminals, but didn’t do so.

2. No one saw the footage of the Jarretts staging the assault, meaning that no one at all (or, I guess, no one who isn’t under the thumb of Immortal), watches Impact (and the cameraman is still a terrible person).

FORTUNE BACKSTAGE- pretty good, except that they seem to have forgotten that AJ isn’t there, as they keep saying “the four of us.”

ANGLE-JARRETT VIDEO-PACKAGE- long, boring, and dumb. This feud is utterly failing. Everyone is playing their part perfectly… but the feud just sucks. It is Rey vs. Eddie all over again. When you put CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILDREN on the line in a wrestling match, you have gone too far. You have jumped the shark.

HOGAN & BISCHOFF BACKSTAGE- What was the point of this? All that happened was Hogan told us what the logic of the main event was, and what the story of it will be… but anyone who hadn’t figured this out yet is an absolute moron, since they have been all but hitting us over the head with this idea (hell, this right here WAS hitting us over the head with it).

STEEL CAGE MATCH: Sting, Mr. Anderson, & RVD vs. Matt Hardy, Bully Ray, & Abyss (w/Ric Flair)- No Rating. Good concept, but poor execution. Not that their were botches or anything, but it just wasn’t exciting. And Sting needs to get out of the ring. If the only moves you can do are punches and walking splash (he can barely even run for the Stinger Splash anymore), it is time to retire.
The Sting-Anderson thing in the beginning should have been the other way around. Sting is super-babyface. Anderson is the one who is turning heel! Also, Anderson is definitely on route to being the dreaded “cool heel” who the fans cheer anyway because they are funny on the mic. The fans LIKE Anderson’s entrance. Having Sting interrupt it will just make them boo him, the babyface, rather than the guy turning heel! The people like Sting enough that they would definitely boo him getting jumped.

Sting no sold Matt’s Manhattan Drop for no reason. Wait? This was a tags-needed match? Then why didn’t the ref doing anything about it for the first five minutes?

I didn’t like Hogan wanting Anderson to get into the cage. This is working out better than Immortal could have hoped! Now they can just beat Anderson down 3-on-1 afterwards! Puuting him in the cage wouldn’t help them at all, as there is no way that he could hurt Sting and RVD more than the 3-on-2 beatdown is hurting them now.

DANIELS RETURNS TO MAKE THE SAVE- I should be marking out for this, but I just don’t care. That is how bad TNA has been so far. A surprise return by Christopher Daniels doesn’t even get a pop from me.

RECAP OF THE CAGE MATCH- WASTE OF TIME! If we are getting reactions from everyone, we should be able to figure out what happened just from the reactions.

REACTION PROMOS- Flair’s promo sucked, like all of his do nowadays. Matt and Bubba were great though. Fortune was good, especially Daniels and (I can’t believe I am about to say this) James Storm. Sting’s promo was terrible. No one is asking who the “true veteran” is, Sting. So why are you hyping that up? And even if we didn’t know, the match should show us: the guy who can’t go anymore.

And how did Anderson not see RVD coming in the narrow door to that trailer? He was looking right at it!
Overall, another bad episode of Impact.

Stupid Announcer Quotes:
1. Taz (about Bischoff making the main event)- “Eric Bischoff has just upped the ante!” No he hasn’t! There was no ante to begin with! Bischoff didn’t change a match. He made one where none had previously existed. That isn’t upping the ante! That is calling your friends and saying “Hey! Want to get together and play some poker?”

2. Taz- Steiner & Crimson: Hell of a team” They have only teamed together twice, and weren’t impressive in either outing!

3. Tenay (after the Brits jump EY & OJ)- “ a reuniting of the British Invasion… wearing the shirts that say “Lockdown” Could they be the fourth team? We know that there’s going to be four tag teams competing in the steel cage. Could the Brits be that surprise team number four in Cincinnati”-p Way to go, Mike. You figured it out all by yourself! You win a gold star… and a roll of duct tape to gag yourself with so that you won’t say anything stupid for the rest of the show. Oh, and the word is “reunion,” the noun, not reuniting, the verb.

4. Taz and Tenay spent the majority of the Winter vs. Velvet match telling us things that was had just been shown in the hype video for this feud a few minutes ago.

5. Tenay- “It looks like Jarrett is going to have the Phreak, Immortal’s Rob Terry, fight his battle for him tonight”- Why is it Jeff’s battle tonight? As you just said, Jeff’s battle is at Lockdown. The match for this week is Angle vs. Terry.

6. Taz (about the Immortal vs. Fortune feud)- “Van Dam and Sting are just casualties along the way, here”- no they’re not! Immortal is feuding with them, too! If they weren’t, they wouldn’t have put them in a cage match in which they were at such a disadvantage!

[Rabid619]

JARRETTS SEGMENT- How the hell do they not notice the cameraman standing RIGHT THERE? I don’t know about the rest of you, but if I were going to make a fraudulent call, I would try to make sure that there were NO RECORDINGS OF ME DOING IT!

When i watched it i was thinking, "Oh boy, BRM is going to hate this crap." =))

[Sassafras]

I seriously thought half of this stuff myself, while watching Impact. Nice execution here, BRM. More than we can say for TNA...

[badnewzxl]

the matches sucked,but most of the story telling was good (except the JJ/Karen/Kurt stuff). The Daniels return was ruined by the fact that Fortune came down for the save and still got beat down.