BRM Reviews the 12/1/2016 Impact (bad)

[Big Red Machine]

ARON REX PROMO- he’s doing an open challenge.

TNA IMPACT GRAND CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Aron Rex(c) vs. Moose- DUD!
Apparently turning heel made Rex into a moron because he never considered that someone large or credible like Moose might come out to answer this.
Moose wins in about a minute when he ducks Rex's cheaty Regal punch, hits a lariat and gets the win, cutting off Rex’s program with Godderz which they have been building up for two months now for absolutely no reason, just like they did by putting the TNA World Title on Eddie Edwards.

MOOSE PROMO- babyface Moose calling cheater Aron Rex a “good champion,” bothered me, but I laughed my ass off when Moose told anyone who wants to come for the belt “I’ve got one word you: MOOSE!”

JEFF HARDY PROMO- apparently the tag titles are on the line tonight, but Jeff hasn’t even spoken to Matt. Also, he has some really creepy gross eye make-up on that there was absolutely no reason for him to show us other than to disturb me.

Josh Matthews is talking as if the DCC did something terrible and illegal by interfering in Bram’s No Disqualifications match last week.

DCC PROMO- despite us all knowing who they are, they come out here not only wearing their masks, now James Storm is cutting a promo using a f*cking voice distorter, which at this point only serves to make it impossible for me to understand what he is saying.
I think he said that they “represent the people who have been trampled over” and “the people who have never been given an opportunity,” which all feels like gobbledygook at this point. I want f*cking concrete examples of how TNA has wronged all three of these men enough to make them do something goofy. At the moment, all I can think of is Storm getting suspended which brings up an even bigger question: if the last time we saw James Storm he was “suspended indefinitely,” then why has no one tried to stop him from showing up here, cutting promos and wresting?
This brought out Jeff Hardy who cut an annoying, pointless promo that had me hoping that the DCC would jump him so I wouldn’t have to hear him talk anymore. Instead it’s Jeff Hardy taking the cheap shot and once again Eddie Kingston get laid out. Thankfully, Eddie’s two long-haired friends caught up with Jeff and got their revenge on that little cheapshot artist. Then Matt Hardy used his magical powers of teleportation and arena light control to cause a black-out and show up behind the DCC instead of running out to face them like a man because he’s a coward just like his brother. Matt cleared the ring and cut a bad promo (in which he had the gall to call the DCC cowards), ending this terrible and completely unnecessary segment to set up for a match that was already announced.

ANNOYING TEAM GO FOR BROKE VIDEO PACKAGE- annoying. I don’t think it’s even possible for anything these three do in video package form to not be annoying after that video package from a few weeks ago. And having to sit here and listen to Mandrews talk about how hard he has worked after he did absolutely nothing to earn this title shot in last week’s match made me want to punch him in the face.

TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: DJ Zema Ion(c) vs. Braxton Sutter vs. Mandrews- 5/10
It was a three-way match with three-way spots. It wasn’t very exciting and there wasn’t much heat for it.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Mandrews takes out DJZ’s knee. Oh no! Now they won’t be able to win… whatever it is that is on the line in Team X Gold. A flag or something, I think?

LAUREL VAN NESS & ALLIE BACKSTAGE- fun. Allie segments are always fun, but not because of Allie so much as because of the heels that mistreat her.

Josh Matthews tried to build up how dangerous a cage match is by referring to “the unfriendly confines” of Six Sides of Steel. This is a pre-taped show. There is no excuse for not making him re-record this.

MARIA CALLS OUT ALLIE- great segment
Why does Maria allow Allie to have music? She should take her music away, or even worse, replace it with some instrumental Justin Bieber knock-off that the fans will never cheer. That’s what Maria would do if she was really devious.
Allie apologizes for pieing Maria in the face with a pie last week. Maria continues to yell at her for everything. Maria and Laurel continue to taunt Allie over Braxton. I have never heard the phrase “whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears” said as loudly and angrily as Laurel said it here. It was brilliant.
In the heels’ defense, everything they said about Allie being stupid and incompetent was 100% true. Eventually it boils over and Maria calls her a “stupid bitch” so Allie slaps Maria. Laurel then takes Allie out.

ROSEMARY PROMO- the usual crap.

TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: The Hardy Boyz vs. The DCC (w/James Storm)- 5.75/10
Kingston’s gear looks like a third-rate Shield Halloween costume. DCC lose clean when Kingston once again takes the pin. DCC is pretty much already dead at this point. Good job, TNA.

JADE VIDEO PACKAGE- fine

EC III & ELI DRAKE SEGMENT- terrible.
Yes, you need to show the “no talking” stip effecting Eli, but doing it this way made Ethan into the biggest asshole in the world. By the end of this I was hoping Eli would pick up some of that heavy equipment behind him and beat Ethan into unconsciousness.

AL SNOW & MAHABALI SHERA PROMO- They tell me to look at their backs and then turn so quickly that I can’t see anything resembling welts or scars. We’re getting an Indian Strap match. I hate this feud and want to end. Whoever it is in TNA that Al Snow is blackmailing needs to just take one for the team so we don’t have to see any more of this feud.

EC III & EDDIE EDWARDS SEGMENT- Ethan has got to be the biggest non-Billy Corgan tool in TNA just because he has this compulsion to try to make things seems grandiose as opposed to making them seem big. As for Eddie… making him talk this often is not playing to his strengths.

STEEL CAGE MATCH FOR THE VACANT TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE: Jade vs. Rosemary- 4.75/10
How did these two wind up being the ones to compete for the vacant Title? Jade makes sense, but when was the last time Rosemary won anything?
Madison Rayne described Rosemary as “an evolution of women’s wrestling” and this is exactly where TNA goes wrong. Just because you have goofy screen effects and a backstory does not make you some sort of new, exciting, worthwhile thing. It does not make you a better, more fleshed out, more complex character unless those elements all tie together and you can see the backstory being relevant in the effects and in the actions of the character. Rosemary has none of that. Remember all of that bullsh*t about the tree and the pet cat and the boyfriend from Rosemary’s backstory that they wasted at least two whole weeks telling us about? Absolutely none of that has shined any sort of light on anything Rosemary did before or after.
Can we please have one cage match in TNA that doesn’t involve the competitors brawling outside of the cage?
The match wasn’t very exciting and psychology was poor. They got this trash can in the ring but barely used it. Then We got Jade doing the big dive off the top that resulted in just a nearfall… and two moves later Rosemary hit a regular move and got the win.

Another bad, boring episode of Impact. I don't think I've ever seen a show feel so small despite having FOUR TITLE MATCHES.



STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Josh Mathews says that The DCC “finally have what they want: a shot at the TNA World Tag Team Titles.”
Oh. You mean that thing they had their first match in the company and purposely got DQed in? And then the next week they told us that they don’t care about titles?
Once again, this is a PRE-TAPED SHOW. There is no reason not to have someone double-checking Josh’s work and no reason not to make him do it again if he f*cks up like this.