BRM Reviews the 10/6/2016 Impact (this stupid company)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- bad
Lashley comes out and cuts a good promo saying that he is the best. Aron Rex comes out and claims that him winning the Grand Championship last night “changed the game” and that being the “Grand Champion” puts him above the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. I’m with Lashley here: that’s total bullsh*t. Rex didn’t even win his match decisively. He got it handed to him on the opinion of some f*cking judges.
Now here comes Gail and she gives the whole “it’s 2016 and women are changing the business” speech. Gail’s presence here feels forced, simply because there isn’t anything they can actually do with it. Also, I am so sick and tired of TNA telling me that something they did is “changing the business.” It’s such bullsh*t and everyone other than the losers in charge of this company knows it.
As for Gail’s claim to be the top champion, well... there are a bunch of people still deserving shots at her title- which she beat a non-wrestler to beat. Rex only won on a technicality against a guy who was really just a replacement because the guy he was really supposed to be facing got hurt. I guess Gail has more of a claim than Rex because she actually won a wrestling match and her title actually has some history behind it, but both of them look silly next to Bobby Lashley, who has spent the past six month tearing through everyone in this company. There’s a reason Lashley’s title was the one on the line in the main event.
Now Matt Hardy comes out without Jeff, and holding both belts. He spouts of random bullsh*t. I don’t think he even bothered to mention that he was the top champion in the company.
Now out comes DJZ and he talks about how great it is that all of them are champions who represent “something different and unique.” Can we please finish this public circle-jerk and fingerbang (got to remember to be egalitarian here because “it’s 2016” and there is now a “level playing field” and all of that stuff that Gail Kim said) and move on to something that isn’t a waste of my time?
DJZ then claims that “tonight we are going to take the X-Division to a whole new level.” If Dixie Carter had a dime for every time someone in TNA claimed that would happen and it didn’t, she would actually be able to pay for her own tapings.
He says there is some new thing called “Team X Gold.” He didn’t even bother to explain what this was.
Lashley says he is going to take some time off to train for his next fight, and he buries everyone else as being “second-rate,” which is a crock of sh*t because we all know that Gail is the only “second-rate” champion in that ring. DJZ is third-rate at best, the Hardys are arguably second-rate champions except that they are the champions of a fifth-rate division, and Rex couldn't even get a real win, so his belt’s only value right now is how well it can function as an emergency dinner plate should the need arise.
As Lashley begins to walk off, Billy Corgan comes out with Aiden O’Shea, whose existence I had completely forgotten. Yeah. They’ve got no money, but they’re making sure to flying f*cking Aiden O’Shea in for these TV tapings, LOL. Corgan is dressed like the world’s biggest tool. He announces that they’re all going to have to defend their titles tonight… aside from DJZ because he helped “put together” Team X Gold, which they still have not explained. Either way, it sounds like DJZ is getting out of defending his title simply because he had some sort of idea. That’s dumb. Why not make him defend his belt tonight and introduce your silly new concept next week?
Corgan says that because Lashley has been so dominant, he is going to let Lashley choose from three men to defend his title against. Here’s an idea: how about, because Lashley has been so dominant, we make someone actually have to EARN a title shot against him (you know, like EC III had to do) to make sure this person will stand a chance against Bobby, instead of just giving away world title shots for funsies to the guy Lashley thinks he will have the easiest time beating?
“Team X Gold” will be explained after this commercial break. It has yet to be explained why O’Shea is out here. I assume he must have given Corgan a ride down from Chicago in exchange for being seen on TV.

So we’re back from the commercial break and we’ve got guys being introduced for an X-Division six-man tag. Still no explanation of what this “Team X Gold” thing is.

HEY! Marshe Rockett can’t team with Lee and Everett! He’s not from North Carolina! He is from Chicago, though, and I expect we’ll be seeing a lot more of that now that Corgan is in charge.

TEAM X GOLD MATCH: Trevor Lee, Andrew Everett, & Marshe Rockett vs. DJ Zema Ion, Braxton Sutter, & Mandrews- 4.5/10
So what is “Team X Gold” you ask? It’s a “tag match, but the rules are going to be strictly enforced.” ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
I’m sorry. I just… I don’t even know what to say anymore. They made a f*cking gimmick match where the gimmick is that the rules of a normal wrestling match are actually going to be followed. WHAT THE F*CK?! Is this, like, some kind of attempt at self-parody? Or do they really not realize how f*cking stupid this is?
Also, if you now have Marshe Rockett in the X-Division, why not have Rockstar Spud replace DJZ and make DJZ defend his title tonight like all of the other champions have to do?
As the match went on, more info about Team X Gold was tricked down to us, such us the fact that “once you see a team established, they will stay a team.” Okay… why? What is the purpose of these teams? Is TNA trying to purposely outdo ROH and New Japan by creating X-Division six-man tag team titles that will be even more useless than the others that have been established this year?
Of course, the five second rule was enforced strictly, but nothing was noted when non-legal heels on the outside ran over and tried to attack DJZ while he was outside of the ring, or when Braxton Sutter ran across the ring to knock a non-legal heel off of the apron.
So yeah… this was a regular f*cking six-man tag team match. I like that it didn’t devolve into a PWG match where everyone is just running around and doing whatever they want and no one cares who the legal man is, but that shouldn’t take a special gimmick to get to. They also STILL haven’t told me WHY this is happening. Why is it called “Team X Gold?” Are we just going to see the same six-man tag over and over again or are there any other teams? If so, who is on them? What is the end goal here? And when does it end? What do you get for winning? All of these questions should have been answered but weren’t.

Speaking of gimmicks that we have no idea what they mean, we were told that the Hardys would face Decay in a “Wolf Creek Cage Match.” Josh promised to explain what this meant later tonight, but considering the piss-poor job they just did here, I’m not very confident.

ONE OF LASHLEY’S CHOICES WILL BE… MOOSE!
Moose cuts a good promo that makes me want to see Lashley defend the title against Moose.

ELI DRAKE’S FACT OF LIFE WITH SPECIAL GUEST ETHAN CARTER III- very good segment.
He now has a goofy talk-show set backstage. Ethan has decided to show up for this talk-show appearance in his gear and a hoodie.
I thought everything they did here was done very well, but this has got to be at least the third time they’ve done an angle with Eli Drake that starts with him hitting the dummy button over and over and a babyface getting annoyed and daring him to hit the dummy button one more time.

MARIA & PALS YELL AT ALLIE BACKSTAGE- fine.
Sienna is getting tonight’s title shot, so we’re now down to just three women who still deserve their contractually-obligated rematch for the title.

ONE OF LASHLEY’S CHOICES WILL BE… EDDIE EDWARDS!
This might have been Mackenzie Mitchell’s first appearance in front of the live crowd. Eddie cut a good promo.

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Gail Kim(c) vs. Sienna (w/Allie)- 4.25/10
Allie has f*cked up virtually every single task she has been given… so of course Sienna brings her out to ringside with her, as opposed to Maria or Laurel, who are actually competent. That just makes the heels look like idiots.
Madison Rayne is randomly doing guest commentary. I assume someone has told her and Josh to keep their hands visible at all times.
They had a good but short babyface vs. monster heel match that Gail won abruptly with a roll-up. Then the other heels hit the ring and Maria declared that she was giving herself her own rematch (right now, I think?) and that it would be No DQ’s, because no one has bothered to take away Maria’s power yet even though she clearly abuses it. Maria wanted Allie to slap Gail. She didn’t do it fast enough, so Maria shoved her and did it herself. The heels beat the crap out of Gail until some referees came out to stop them.

The “Wolf Creek Cage Match” is up next and they STILL haven’t explained it to us. At this point I can only surmise that it involves being locked in a cage and forced to watch PopTV’s new miniseries “Wolf Creek,” and whoever can correctly answer the most trivia questions at the end is declared the winner.

LASHLEY’S THIRD CHOICE IS… ETHAN CARTER III
Why is he even an option? He just lost cleanly last night!
Ethan’s promo was fine.

WOLF CREEK CAGE MATCH FOR THE TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES: The Hardy Boys(c) vs. Decay- 3/10
This is just a cage match with weapons. We were told that “Six Sides of Steel have been arranged to replicate the lair of Australia’s most feared serial killer: Mick Taylor. These are his tools of torture, and the competitors will have to brawl by his rules, because in this fight between good and evil, only one can survive.” Yeah. So this was a lot of crap for nothing. It’s just a bunch of wacky weapons, including what appears to be a chainsaw that we all know will never be used.

Reby played the Hardys’ entrance on piano. When Rosemary didn’t come out with Decay, Matt ordered Reby to “go to the back and protect King Maxel.” WHY DID YOU F*CKING IDIOTS LEAVE HIM ALONE IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Why not just bring him out to ringside with you?
So yeah, these guys are having their second no DQ’s match this week. Jeff’s got a staple gun and is stapling Abyss, barely a minute in. I’ll bet you anything that Mick Taylor didn’t use a staple gun. Stuff happened for a while. The door came open with basically no effort. Even though the door was open, Jeff tried to climb out of the cage to escape because he is an idiot. Rosemary showed up and misted him. Reby then attacked Rosemary with a “rabbit-head staff,” whatever that is. Then my TV froze and finally unfroze during a commercial. When the show came back on Cody and Brandi Rhodes were making their entrance. The internet tells me I didn’t miss anything, as all that happened was Abyss was handcuffed to the cage and Matt just walked right out the door. The match went seven and a half minutes. That’s the longest match on the show so far.

CODY RHODES PROMO- very bad segment.
More random talk about “the game changing” with more meaningless bullsh*t behind it. He’s got his list and says he wants to feud with Mike Bennett, then basically erases Bennett and says he wants the TNA World Heavyweight Title instead… and TNA is already going to give him a title shot, so he is already most of the way there. That was easy.
The Bennetts come out, and Mike Bennett points out that when he came in and demanded a title shot, everyone told him that he had to “earn” a title shot because just giving away title shots isn’t “how TNA works.” He’s got a good point. Then Cody sucker-punched him. So… is Cody a heel? He’s sure acting like one. They have a short brawl which Cody wins.

CODY RHODES PROMO, PART 2- he wants a match with Mike Bennett next week.

MARIA WANTS TO SEE BILLY CORGAN- Aiden O’Shea won’t let her. Also, he keeps calling her “toots,” which is really douchy. Apparently Corgan didn’t like that what Maria did to Gail earlier, but rather than just tell her, he left a message with his crony on the off chance that she would come by. His message is that Maria will get the match she wants, but if she loses, she will no longer be in charge of the Knockouts Division. Okay… maybe Billy could do something like make it not a No DQ’s match or put it in a cage to make sure that Maria’s friends don’t spend the whole match interfering? You know… maybe try to make it a little bit fair? No?

TNA GRAND CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Aron Rex(c) vs. Baron Dax- 0.5/10
Dax has a grand total of TWO televised wins in TNA. None of them have been singles matches, and the most recent one was at Slammiversary, almost four months ago. Dax dominated the first round, but then tapped out forty-two seconds into the second round. Rex then cut a bullsh*t promo about “changing the game.” He’s bragging about beating one half of a jobber tag team in a singles match.

Bennett vs. Cody is signed for next week. They’re pushing it as “first time ever” even though anyone who knows anything about Cody’s list knows that it isn’t.

TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Bobby Lashley(c) vs. Eddie Edwards- 6.5/10
First they waste a bunch of time bringing all three potential opponents out before Lashley finally chooses Eddie. The only reason do this as opposed to Corgan just saying that Eddie is getting a title shot at the beginning of the show is if they are trying to build up the idea that Lashley is dodging the other two… which is rendered COMPLETELY MOOT by Eddie winning here! If they had given all of that time to this match then maybe this important match could have reached the eight minute mark.
I’m very happy for Eddie, but this is now the second time this year that TNA has killed some potentially huge matches with a pointless title change (Drew’s win was similar). Lashley vs. Drew, Lashley vs. Rex, Lashley vs. Cody, anther Lashley vs. Ethan match and especially Lashley vs. Moose all could have been HUGE matches… but now they’re left with nothing. This company cannot help but always shoot themselves in the foot. TNA World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Lashley was BY FAR the best thing this company had going, but, in typical TNA fashion, they have completely killed it. Another bad episode of Impact.





STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Josh Mathews claimed that Trevor Lee and Andrew Everett “have been running roughshod in Impact Wrestling for nearly a year.”
This would be the same Andrew Everett who still has a grand total of ZERO wins in TNA.