BRM Reviews the 9/1/2016 Impact (bad)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 9/1/2016 Impact (bad)

Post by Big Red Machine » Sep 2nd, '16, 15:58

STUPID HARDYS SH*T- the end result of is Matt declaring that he has had a premonition (brought on by Maxel “playing” the “Obsolete” song on a player piano) that the “first battle in a great war” will be fought at the Hardy compound instead of in the Impact Zone. Then he says that he and Jeff must go to the Impact Zone at once. That doesn’t make any sense. Shouldn’t they be here, where the battle will be and where they can help protect Reby and “King Maxel,” as he tasks Señor Benjamin and Vanguard 1 with doing? Reby assures Matt that they will be fine because she has a bow… which I assume means we’ll get some footage of Crazzy Steve trying to run across the Hardys’ lawn while Reby shoots arrow at him. I hope she hits him. JUSTICE FOR BRAM!

Also, if the war in question is their feud with Decay, then wouldn’t the first battle have already happened with last week’s Jeff vs. Abyss match?

MIKE & MARIA IN THE RING CUTTING A PROMO-
Josh tells us that if he were Bennett, he would be “looking over my shoulder for a Moose.” Bound For Glory: Mike & Maria vs. Moose & Solo Darling (a.k.a. Moose & Squirrel). Book it, TNA!
Bennett calls out Moose to try to convince him that Lashley is trying to split them up. Instead of Moose, Lashley comes out and cuts a promo saying he’ll beat Bennett just like he beat everyone else. Lashley offers to make tonight’s match a No DQs match because he the only way Bennett would be able to beat him is if Moose helps him, but Moose isn’t on his side anymore so that Lashley doesn’t have anything to worry about. Bobby seems dangerously overconfident here.
Bennett said that Moose was still on his side and Moose would NEVER go out to dinner with Lashley, and Lashley responded “no. He totally would go out to dinner with me.” Okay, so that was me paraphrasing, but they were, in fact, arguing over whether or not Moose accepted Lashley’s dinner invitation rather than what they should have been arguing about, which was whether or not Moose is buying what Lashley is selling.
They said some stuff that set up Moose coming out on dramatic cue. He gets in the ring and says that he can beat up anyone who gets in his way and that he totally didn’t go out to dinner with Lashley! (“You know, Bobby, that last week, I didn’t meet you ANYWHERE!”) Bennett insists that this means Moose is on his side but Moose says that he isn’t. He says that “tonight, in the main event, I decide who walks out of this ring the TNA World Heavyweight Champion!” Interference in the main event world title match? Oh golly! I sure love that!
As if this couldn’t get any worse, Josh Mathews has to open his mouth to ask “what does that mean?” IT MEANS HE’S GOING TO INTERFERE IN THE MAIN EVENT YOU F*CKING IDIOT! You’d think that after a year and a half of calling TNA, he’d be used to outside interference.

CRAZZY STEVE vs. MATT HARDY (w/Jeff Hardy/Brother Nero)- 2/10
Abyss and Rosemary are not at ringside, so I can only assume they are attempting to kidnap Maxel, which would make Matt’s premonition incorrect.
They start off by making odd noises, then they start biting each other. When they finally started to have a normal wrestling match it was… passable. Then the babyfaces needed outside interference to get the win.
Matt & Jeff walked off while Steve grabbed a mic and said that the other two (as I correctly predicted) were at the Hardy estate. So like I said above, not only was Matt’s premonition about Steve from last week incorrect, but he’s also a f*cking idiot for leaving his estate when he thought there would be an attack coming. Why should I have sympathy for this idiot?
Steve declared that King Maxel was now “Rosemary’s baby.”

X-DIVISION VIDEO PACKAGE- pointless stupid filler bullsh*t.
Andrew Everett lets us know that “the X-Division means everything to TNA.” Ah. That explains why they put so little effort into it.
And how about all of the other nebulous bullsh*t in here. “The X-Division Championship represents no limits.” “You can’t even explain the X-Division.” No one who is watching this show at this point needs these guys to “explain” the X-Division to us or even to hype it up, and anyone who is new to the show will just be confused by this nebulous BS. Meanwhile, they are wasting time that could be spent on wrestling. Or maybe you could explain to me what the rules of this stupid “Ultimate X Gauntlet” match are.

MATT & JEFF BACKSTAGE- Matt fears that “Loco Steve may not be bloooofing, and that my premeeeeneeeetion may be coming true. Our abode may be in peril, and I must notify Rebecca immediately via this video interface.” He tries to reach her on FaceTime. She won’t respond. He then orders Vanguard 1 to “scan the grounds.” Shouldn’t it have been doing that the whole time?
Anyway, we then see Maxel in his crib, and Rosemary popping up in the window. For an insane rich person with his own army of flying drones, Matt Hardy sure has absolute sh*t for security.

ULTIMATE GAUNTLET X MATCH FOR THE VACANT TNA X-DIVISION CHAMPION: DJ Zema Ion vs. Trevor Lee vs. Andrew Everett vs. Rockstar Spud vs. Mandrews vs. Braxton Sutter- 5.5/10
So yeah… they never actually explained the rules. They just said that the first two in- DJZ and Trevor Lee- have an advantage because they can go for the belt before anyone else enters the match. We were never told how much time there would be between entrants or how many people would enter at once or anything like that. Also… why the f*ck is this a gauntlet match? This seems horribly unfair to the rest of the guys in the match that, as Pope pointed out, the match can be won before they even get to participate. And it’s not like Trevor Lee or DJZ did anything to earn this special treatment, either.
Stuff happens. TNA doesn’t even have the decency to put a countdown clock up on the screen. Of course we have to cut away from the match to show you the other guys waiting in a line backstage for their chance to come out, which is apparently a “blind draw.” Does TNA use this goofy match to set up a unique angle where someone actually does win before everyone comes out so the last guy gets to argue that he got screwed out of a title shot and thus deserves a one-on-one match with the champ? Of course not! This is a goofy gimmick for the sake of doing a goofy gimmick.
Spud, of course, has to do comedy in this match for the title that he just told us was so important to him in a video package. DJZ, who also told us the title was super-important to him, finds himself in the ring alone, but of course he’s got to go for a f*cking dive instead of actually trying to WIN the title. TWICE. Between DJZ’s stupidity, Everett did the same thing.
The match was the same X-Division Ultimate X spotfest we’ve a million times by now and I’m just completely numb to it. At least they gave this one some time (about fifteen minutes). The only important bit of this match was the finish which had Everett and Lee fighting over the belt but then DZ swooped in and won it, so I guess we’re going to get some Helms Dynasty in-fighting. That would be something I cared about a lot more if they had done anything to make any of these guys interesting. Everett has still yet to win a match in TNA.

EC III & ELI DRAKE BACKSTAGE- they said their stuff, but then they had to keep going and it got annoying. Ethan came off like a huge dick for not caring that Drew beat up Aron Rex.

THE CAMERAMAN BOTHERS DREW- this was what I will now dub “the TNA special,” where they show us someone cutting a promo in which they essentially announce that they are about to go out to the ring and cut a promo.

DREW GALLOWAY PROMO- He says that he and Ethan used to be best buddies and that they partied together when Drew won the title. Is Delirious booking this sh*t now? Here’s a general rule for good booking: if the fans didn’t see it, DON’T USE IT IN A STORYLINE. Maybe Ethan and Drew really are best friends. Maybe they really did go out and party together after Drew won the title (although that’s kind of hard to believe because wasn’t Ethan injured so badly that night that he was ruled unable to continue in the main event?). But if TNA doesn’t make me aware of it, it doesn’t mean anything to me and thus doesn’t emotionally affect me at all. It feels like they’re doing what TNA (and to a frustrating extent, ROH) so often do and just pull sh*t out of their asses and tell us we’re supposed to care. Compare this to the Ethan Page-Johnny Gargano saga in EVOLVE. The heat was supposed to be over Page assaulting Gargano after Gargano had brought him into the company… so Gabe set up this kayfabe mechanism whereby some wrestlers got to recommend new faces to bring into the company, and Gargano brought in Page. That worked because they established the connection and THEN the betrayal happened. What TNA is doing here is trying to have the supposed “betrayal” (at least in Drew’s eyes) happen, and explain to us WHY this was a betrayal afterwards. That’s ass backwards!
Drew is also pissed at Aron Rex for basically doing the gimmick he came in to TNA doing (although to be fair, at least Aron Rex didn’t come off like a CM Punk rip-off like Galloway did) and sticking his nose in Drew’s business by getting himself appointed special guest referee, and also because the fans were cheering for Rex instead of him.
Then Billy Corgan comes out and says- with his limited capacity for emotion- that Drew attacking Rex was an “affrontery (NOT A REAL WORD) to everyone in the back,” as well as “an usurpation of my authority” (except he pronounced “usurpation” as “oosurpation” like it was one of Roman Reigns’ cousins.” He then accused Drew of having “a little case of Scottish paranoia.” Yeah. That’s good. Let’s throw some bigotry in there while we’re at it.
Corgan says he was going to suspended Drew without pay, but someone convinced him not to. Obviously the person was Aron Rex, so they brawl, but it’s broken up. Drew beat up security. Didn’t James Storm just get suspended for doing that?
A few things here:
1. Corgan comes off as such a pretentious tool that I want Dixie Carter to come back.
2. Aron Rex being back and in perfect health the very next week makes the beating feel a lot less heinous.
3. If the beating was so heinous, why did it take so long for Corgan to send people out to stop it?
4. While we’re on the subject of suspensions, remember when Ethan and Drew were suspended for having a little brawl? Well why is Corgan letting Rex and Drew brawl right now? If you’re going to have an authorized brawl, why not just book a wrestling match between them? Because the plot demands that it be this way, of course. That’s why security showed up very quickly here to stop Rex from hitting Drew with the chair.
If I was booking this I would have had Drew be suspended without pay this week, but we’d get some interviews with him explaining his actions. Rex would be off TV and injured. Then, next week, we’d learn that Drew is unsuspended, and Corgan would say that the reason for that is because Rex wants to get his hands on him and they would touch for the first time then, in a match where Drew screws Rex out of the match via cheating, and then we’d build to a rematch at BFG (possibly in a weapons match so Rex can get a more extreme revenge, but it depends what else would be on the card. The other possibility would be to let Drew win at BFG and rebuild Rex for a bit while also pushing Drew towards the title. If we’re putting the belt on Drew he should probably take it from Ethan, so he can got around and say he “knew” he could beat Ethan without Rex “screwing up,” and then we’d build to Rex taking the belt from Drew.


HARDYS STUFF- GET AN EDITOR!
Matt finally reaches Reby via cellphone. He tells her that Abyss and Rosemary are on their way to get Maxel. Reby acts completely shocked. Does she not remember the opening segment, where she said they would be fine because she would shoot any intruders with her bow? Reby came across like a totally normal person here, which is not how she has usually been portrayed in these segments.
Vanguard 1 scans the house and has only now figured out that Rosemary is in the house, even though it’s been at least half an hour since she showed up. Don’t even get me started on how it can scan from outside of the house and know that Rosemary is inside. If it can do that, it should have known she was there before now.

ETHAN CARTER III vs. ELI DRAKE- 5.75/10
Eli Drake has basically been completely killed as a viable threat to anyone near the top of the card.

JB INTERVIEWS ALLIE- this was to push Allie’s title celebration, which they had already plugged a bunch of other times. And of course, this segment was “up next,” so it wasn’t even like people would have much time to call their friends to tell them.

MORE HARDYS/DECAY CRAP-
Reby heads for the “safe room.” I will admit to never having been in a safe room before, but my impression of them is that they have keypad locks or something high tech or that they are as thick and heavy as bank vault doors. This was just a regular room that didn’t appear to lock from the inside. Also, instead of her bow, Reby now has a sword.
The door just easily opens… but it’s just Señor Benjamin, who wasn’t aware that Rosemary was in the house. Didn’t Matt task him with protecting them? You’d think that he would have let Señor Benjamin know that Rosemary was in the house. Reby hands Maxel to Señor Benjamin, and goes to find Rosemary so she can kill her with her sword.

THE CAMERAMAN INTERVIEWS DJZ- this would have been a lot better if they had actually done anything to focus on DJZ’s journey, and also if they hadn’t had Lashley embarrass him a few weeks ago in that ladder match. He talks about “health problems and girl problems and personal problems,” none of which we saw on screen.

ALLIE’S CHAMPIONSHIP CELEBRATION- sh*t.
Allie is happy. Sienna shows up and is pissed. Maria tries to calm her down by giving her the night off. She also blamed Gail Kim for this. Maria buries Allie. The celebration was supposed to be for her opponent… Maria. She orders Allie to lay down for her. A referee shows up, and apparently we’re going to start this match, despite all of these foreign objects like balloons and a ladder and a bucket and Champaign in the ring- not to mention the fact that Allie is currently WEARING the Knockouts Title. No Billy Corgan out here to stop this abuse of power and travesty of justice, either. After he was so f*cking pissy last week about Gail or Jade or both or whatever being screwed, of course he’ll let Maria win the title by ordering Allie to lie down for her. And I guess Maria thinks this is going to make Sienna happy? Everyone involved with this division, whether they were in the segment or not, came off terrible here.

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Allie(c) vs. Maria Kanellis Benentt- No rating. AWFUL segment.
So yeah. Maria wins the belt via reluctant Fingerpoke of Doom. Josh Mathews declares that anyone who is happy for Maria right now is “soulless.” Oh yeah, Josh? Who are you to call anyone “soulless?” YOU WATCHED BRAM GET MURDERED LAST MONTH AND DIDN’T GIVE A SH*T.

MOOSE & BENNETT BACKSTAGE- dull.
Bennett seems to have convinced Moose to join him, but this is TNA so that means there is a swerve coming.

REBY SEARCHES FOR ROSEMARY- sh*t
She finds her in the movie theater. Rosemary then appears to fly up the fireman’s pole that leads to Maxel’s bedroom. By the way, Reby is running around with the drawn sword in one hand, and she is carrying the scabbard around in the other.
In the very next seen we see Reby running OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE, despite having already seen Rosemary inside of it. We then see Rosemary holding a bundle that is way too small to be Maxel on a balcony right over the front entrance. She throws it over, I guess just to waste time and scare Reby. Reby catches it, but as I correctly predicted, it’s the doll form the contract signing segment for the Final Deletion.
Reby starts to cry, but then Señor Benjamin shows up with Maxel and Reby is happy. DO YOU F*CKING IDIOTS NOT UNDERSTAND THE PURPOSE OF A SAFE ROOM?!
Señor Benjamin somehow sees Rosemary leaving out of a back door despite standing in the front of the house, and gives the all-clear. I guess Abyss just had the week off from both wrestling and nefarious activity. Reby orders Señor Benjamin to “prepare the battlefield for massacre,” so we’re getting another “Final Deletion” style thing, which I hereby predict to be nowhere near as good as the first as well as nowhere near as much of a draw as the first.

NO DISQAULIFICATIONS MATCH FOR THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: Bobby Lashley(c) vs. Mike Bennett (w/Maria Kanellis Bennett)- 4.5/10
It would have been nice if we could have gotten an actual authority figure to okay the No DQs stip (although I have to ask why they would even allow it, seeing as how one person has already vowed to interfere, so why would they make it easier for that to happen?) Because of the No DQs stip the story of this match was Maria interfering liberally. The problem was that because all of build was around what Moose would do, you knew that nothing really mattered until Moose did something. If Bennett thought Moose was in his corner, why didn’t he ask him to interfere right away? He eventually did, which led to the obvious TNA swerve, resulting in Lashley retaining his title in about eleven minutes.
Bennett cut a promo (while selling his ribs from the spear, so that was good) berating Moose and slapping him, so Moose clotheslines Bennett to cement a face turn that came WAY too early.

Another bad show from TNA. The Matt Hardy segments are annoying enough on their own, but when they can’t even keep their continuity straight, it annoys me even more. This show was one booking/continuity mistake after another, and shows just how wrong TNA’s priorities are.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Before the Ultimate X match to crown a new X-Division champion, Josh Mathews has to tell us that the title is “in a state of abeyance.”
No it’s not. It’s vacant. Abeyance would imply that rightful holder is currently unknown. Right now, THERE IS NO RIGHTFUL HOLDER. Therefore the belt is VACANT… which is what any normal announcer would have said, but Josh has to try to sound smart and, as usual, he fails spectacularly.

2. Eli Drake says that if he beats current #1 contender EC III tonight, he has a claim to being the #1 contender. Josh Mathews said that he is “not sure about Eli’s logic.”
I guess Josh also doesn’t think that you deserve a title shot if you beat the champion, because the concept is the same.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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Re: BRM Reviews the 9/1/2016 Impact (bad)

Post by NWK2000 » Sep 6th, '16, 11:39

Maybe because I like goofy stuff, but the Matt Hardy segments are my favorite. If this show was "Matt Hardy and friends" I would watch it every week
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Re: BRM Reviews the 9/1/2016 Impact (bad)

Post by cero2k » Sep 6th, '16, 11:45

NWK2000 wrote:Maybe because I like goofy stuff, but the Matt Hardy segments are my favorite. If this show was "Matt Hardy and friends" I would watch it every week
it's not even goofy, they're telling an awesome story that has been building for over a year between Matt and Jeff, now the super over babyface Matt Hardy is fighting a bunch of deranged people trying to defend his baby! They're fighting for a legit shot at the titles that they earned! Matt Hardy is the BABYFACE OF THE YEAR!
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Re: BRM Reviews the 9/1/2016 Impact (bad)

Post by Big Red Machine » Sep 6th, '16, 12:05

cero2k wrote:
NWK2000 wrote:Maybe because I like goofy stuff, but the Matt Hardy segments are my favorite. If this show was "Matt Hardy and friends" I would watch it every week
it's not even goofy, they're telling an awesome story that has been building for over a year between Matt and Jeff, now the super over babyface Matt Hardy is fighting a bunch of deranged people trying to defend his baby! They're fighting for a legit shot at the titles that they earned! Matt Hardy is the BABYFACE OF THE YEAR!
I disagree that they are telling a story that has been building for a year. It feels like different stories. Everything from Matt's heel turn until the Final Deletion (or possibly a week or two thereafter) is a separate story from this whole quest for the tag titles. One led from the other, but they are separate (just like the ROH-CZW feud and the Homicide-Cornette feud are separate stories, but one led from the other).
I also think that the incorporation of Decay and the "kidnapping the baby" thing has shifted the story away from the Matt-Jeff dynamic that it (and even the quest for the tag titles) was built on. It has turned from Matt forcing Jeff to do things into them perfectly well cooperating with each other. It's not about Matt and Jeff anymore. It's about the wacky adventures of Broken Matt Hardy, with his wacky group of sidekicks.
And don't get me wrong: I think Matt could make a living doing these goofy segments building up to a Final Deletion-esque "match"/video thing every few months. I just don't want it on my wrestling show.
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Re: BRM Reviews the 9/1/2016 Impact (bad)

Post by cero2k » Sep 6th, '16, 12:26

Big Red Machine wrote: I disagree that they are telling a story that has been building for a year. It feels like different stories. Everything from Matt's heel turn until the Final Deletion (or possibly a week or two thereafter) is a separate story from this whole quest for the tag titles. One led from the other, but they are separate (just like the ROH-CZW feud and the Homicide-Cornette feud are separate stories, but one led from the other).
I also think that the incorporation of Decay and the "kidnapping the baby" thing has shifted the story away from the Matt-Jeff dynamic that it (and even the quest for the tag titles) was built on. It has turned from Matt forcing Jeff to do things into them perfectly well cooperating with each other. It's not about Matt and Jeff anymore. It's about the wacky adventures of Broken Matt Hardy, with his wacky group of sidekicks.
And don't get me wrong: I think Matt could make a living doing these goofy segments building up to a Final Deletion-esque "match"/video thing every few months. I just don't want it on my wrestling show.
it's progression and development of a character's story, obviously that character is going to go through different little stories, but overall it's the story of Matt Hardy, where Jeff, Reby, ECIII, Galloway, Vanguard I, Decay, Maxel, etc have all been co-stars, but it's still The Matt Hardy story. And it's been a great story, it's not the typical boring ass wrestling story that every other promotion gives us day in day out
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Re: BRM Reviews the 9/1/2016 Impact (bad)

Post by Big Red Machine » Sep 6th, '16, 13:10

cero2k wrote:
Big Red Machine wrote: I disagree that they are telling a story that has been building for a year. It feels like different stories. Everything from Matt's heel turn until the Final Deletion (or possibly a week or two thereafter) is a separate story from this whole quest for the tag titles. One led from the other, but they are separate (just like the ROH-CZW feud and the Homicide-Cornette feud are separate stories, but one led from the other).
I also think that the incorporation of Decay and the "kidnapping the baby" thing has shifted the story away from the Matt-Jeff dynamic that it (and even the quest for the tag titles) was built on. It has turned from Matt forcing Jeff to do things into them perfectly well cooperating with each other. It's not about Matt and Jeff anymore. It's about the wacky adventures of Broken Matt Hardy, with his wacky group of sidekicks.
And don't get me wrong: I think Matt could make a living doing these goofy segments building up to a Final Deletion-esque "match"/video thing every few months. I just don't want it on my wrestling show.
it's progression and development of a character's story, obviously that character is going to go through different little stories, but overall it's the story of Matt Hardy, where Jeff, Reby, ECIII, Galloway, Vanguard I, Decay, Maxel, etc have all been co-stars, but it's still The Matt Hardy story. And it's been a great story, it's not the typical boring ass wrestling story that every other promotion gives us day in day out
I completely disagree that there has been any development going on here with Matt. Not since the Final Deletion. He just started doing weird sh*t like having premonitions and biting people and hypnotizing fans, with no real reason for it other than to service the plot. He's not developing as a characters. He's just developing random superpowers.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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