BRM Rants on the 8/4/2016 Impact (what is good in TNA and what makes it so bad)

[Big Red Machine]

INTERVIEW WITH DREW AFTER LAST WEEK’S MATCH- F*CKING AWESOME!

OPENING SEGMENT- pretty great
We start off with JB, Bennett, Maria and EC III in the ring. No entrances for anyone, because it’s not like we’d want this face-off to feel important or anything. Bennett’s promo was great. It was good hype for this match, plus it also touched on both Ethan accidentally costing Drew last week’s match and the Bennetts’ feud with Dixie. What I didn’t like was the physical presentation. There’s just something about having Ethan stand there, facing the camera with his hands at his sides while Bennett gets right up next to him, practically cutting this promo in his ear and Ethan is just standing there like he doesn’t care one bit that I really don’t like. I get that the idea is that Ethan is brushing off Bennett’s promo, but having him standing there, letting Bennett get right up next to him but not even looking at him, not ready to defend himself in any way… it really feels like it buries Bennett. I’d much rather he would have been standing, facing Bennett, like normal.
Ethan’s promo was decent, although I really disliked that goofy “curl up mister fist” (or whatever) part. They say more things. Most importantly was Bennett warning Ethan not to get distracted. Then Moose came and this eventually distracted Ethan so he turned his back on Bennett. Bennet, of course, took this opportunity to jump Ethan from behind, and Moose and Bennett beat Ethan down.
As I said above, I thought this was a pretty darn great segment, but I don’t get why they’re doing this the same night as the finals. BFG is far enough away that they haven’t even announced a date (to my knowledge… and if they have and I don’t know about it, that’s a failure on their part), so why are we rushing through the #1 contendership tournament like this? This would have been a great go-home segment to build up the finals next week. Doing it here not only made this feel rushed, but doing this segment ending in the brawl and the beat-down at the beginning of the show for which this match is main event made this feel less special because TNA has used that formula so often this year.

ELI DRAKE PROMO- GREAT!

ROSEMARY’S ORIGIN STORY RECAP- it is what it is.
Josh Mathews then plugged that we would “find out what happened inside the barn later.” SO WHO THE F*CK IS TAPING ANY OF THIS? AND HOW?! Did Rosemary decide that after Bram was so confused she should direct a mini-movie to act as a visual aid to the rest of us?

TITLE VS. GIMMICK MATCH: Eli Drake(TNA King of the Mountain Champion) vs. James Storm (if Storm loses, he can’t ever drink beer or ride the boozer cruiser or use his entrance music ever again)- 4/10
They have a match with these crazy stips… and they give it basically no build. It barely went eight minutes (and that’s me counting from the time they started brawling, not the time the bell actually rung). They had a bunch of overbooking because it’s TNA and that’s what they do. Drake got in one nearfall except no one believed it because the stipulations were so one-sided. James Storm wins the King of the Mountain Title from Eli Drake in Eli’s first real feud as champion. Do you know how many matches Eli won as champion? ONE! He successfully defended his title against Bram at Slammiversary, and that was it. Meanwhile he has lost FIVE DIFFERENT TIMES. Once again, TNA completely cuts the legs off of a potential star on the rise by making absolutely no effort to build him up as anything other than a midcarder. Just like what happened with Gunner. And Magnus. And Bram. And now Eli Drake.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Lashley shows up, so we have absolutely no time to celebrate that James Storm will remain James Storm. You know… the idea this match was built around.
Lashley buries WWE for sending replica belts to championship sports teams. Lashley cut a great promo and then Storm cut an even better one. Lashley is trying to win all of the titles, so we’re going to get a Title vs. Title match. That’s cool and all, but doing this segment here is very odd. As I said above, doing this segment right now made the stips of the previous match feel unimportant. TNA really seems to feel like they need to rush as much as possible to get to… some uncertain specific storyline point regarding the world title, but there seems to be no reason whatsoever why there would be a rush.

MARIA, GAIL, & ALLIE BACKSTAGE- Gail wants to know who show is going to face tonight in the Gail Buries the Knockouts Division Gauntlet. Allie annoys Maria, so Maria books Gail vs. Allie.

ROSEMARY AND BRAM IN THE BARN-

phpBB [video]

As diplomatically as possible, Bram suggests that Rosemary should just f*cking get on with it already because “to be honest with ya, there’s better things I could be doing right now. I could be drinking a pint or, I mean, like, watching football or something. You know what I mean?”
Yes I do, Bram. I certainly do.
Rosemary agrees to get the f*ck on with it…


BUT NOT YET! Because f*ck you, viewer. That’s why. We’re going to wind up with a whole show full of six minute matches… and yet the f*cking morons that run this company think it’s a good idea to waste time with Rosemary and Bram sitting in a f*cking barn with Rosemary going all “I have this big secret that I want to tell you! Oh but I can’t! No. Please, don’t leave! I’ll tell you. I really want to. But I can’t! But I want to! Oh woe is me.” F*CK THIS SH*T!

HANDICAP MATCH IN WHICH IF GAIL LOSES, SHE WILL NEVER GET ANOTHER SHOT AT THE TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE: Gail Kim vs. Allie & Sienna- -2/10 (yes, NEGATIVE!)
Yeah. It’s a handicap match now because Maria changed her mind. Well if she can make it a two-on-one match, why not make it five-on-one? Or an elimination match? Or ban Eat Defeat? Or make rules that say Gail can only win if she can conclusively prove that she’s ridden a unicorn across the surface of Mars? If she can f*ck with the rules however she wants and she doesn’t want Gail to win, why not take this to its logical conclusion? Because TNA doesn’t think sh*t through. That’s why. Because if they had, none of this would be happening because Dixie (who is already feuding with Maria anyway!) would just fire Maria for abuse of power!
The story of this match was that Sienna would beat Gail up, and then tag in Allie, who would immediately proceed to f*ck up so that Sienna would get annoyed and have to come in and save her. SO WHY DO YOU KEEP TAGGING THE INCOMPETENT B*TCH IN?!
Then we got to the finish, which was Sienna going for the Silencer on Gail but missing and hitting Allie, allowing Gail to get the pin… except the way they set it up required Sienna to turn a completely different direction in order to hit Allie. How f*cking hard is it to not go for the move until Gail is standing IN FRONT OF Allie.
So Allie is barely trained as a wrestler (that’s what Josh said) and clearly incompetent, and everyone including Maria hates her. So why is she still employed?!

MATT HARDY YELLS BACKSTAGE- he blames Jeff for his loss last week. He rightly blames Jeff for getting hurt on his dirtbike last year and costing them the tag titles, and I started to get all excited that we’d get something at least approach a NORMAL PROMO from Matt… but then he ended it by saying “tonight, I’m going to the Impact Zone, and I’m going to tell a story and you will learn what you must do next.” So if the whole point of this was Matt telling Jeff that he will soon be giving him new instructions, why is he telling the TNA cameraman instead of just TELLING JEFF?! And why is this even on the show?! Why not just have Matt come out to the ring and cut his f*cking promo?

Storm vs. Lashley is happening next week.

HARDYS SEGMENT- Matt buries Jeff for being a “spot monkey.” He also accuses Jeff of “betraying” him by costing him various titles. Matt wants Jeff to make this up to him by winning the tag titles back… on his own… and without jumping off the top rope.

J.T. DUNN & CHUCK TAYLOR vs. THE HARDY BOYS (w/Reby Hardy)- DUD!
Matt was technically in the match but didn’t do any work. He didn’t even stand on the apron. Instead, Matt pulled a fan over the guardrail and bit his face, causing him to bleed. This being TNA, I wasn’t even sure if security would show up. They did… but only to pull the fan away. No one reprimanded Matt for an action that (in addition to being morally wrong) should open TNA up to a MAJOR lawsuit.

This match went on for WAY too long (probably all so that Matt could do that stupid spot where he bit a fan). Jeff had the match won and went up for a Swanton. Matt tried to block him but Jeff just jumped over him to hit it. Matt beat Jeff up, tagged himself in, and got the pin.

AL SNOW GIVES THE TRIBUNAL A PEP-TALK- horrible clown-show bullsh*t.

HANDICAP MATCH: Al Snow & the Tribunal vs. Mahabali Shera & Grado- 2.5/10
Remember last week how Grado said he couldn’t hire Tyrus because he was broke? Well Josh told us that this was because he spent all of his money on Pokeballs. Yes, really.
The match was boring. We had to give the babyfaces a visual pinfall on a roll-up even though they were going to win via finisher in the middle of the ring because it’s TNA and everything must be overbooked. So the babyfaces win clean, but I’m certain this feud won’t end because this feud will never be over.

ROSEMARY’S ORIGIN STORY, PART 3- Exactly as bad as I expected.
So you remember how last week they were teasing that Johnny did some terrible thing to poor vulnerable Rosemary, ranging from simple molestation to out and out rape? Well it turns out all he did was put his hand on her knee after she gave him a handmade card saying that she loved him. This caused her to storm off because he was “just like all of the others.” She then spent two weeks in a forest voodoo-torturing him or something.
Wow. Bram appears to be even more bored than I am. He wants to leave, but Rosemary wants him to stay. Bram finally snaps and says “we’ve all had our hearts broken on bloody Valentine’s Day. Get over it! Alright?” If THAT is what Bram got out of this, then he clearly hasn’t been listening because he’s acting like Rosemary isn’t coming across like a deranged nutjob who will probably wind up as a serial killer- assuming that she isn’t one already. (And, if you are someone who actually likes this crap, Bram saying he would rather be drinking than hanging out with her and clearly not listening should make him come off as very unlikable, and he’s supposed to be the babyface).
Rosemary screams, stands up, and grabs some sort of sharp metal tool. Bram is now all “please calm down.” Sorry, pal. I have no sympathy for you. You followed an obviously dangerous, psychotic person into an abandoned barn.
He backs up… and Crazzy Steve’s head appears at a conveniently-placed window behind him. Steve grabs Bram through the window so that he can’t escape. Abyss shows up and they cut to black… and when we return, Decay is dragging Bram’s unmoving body through the woods in the middle of the night, put him in the trunk of a car and drive off.
Then we cut back to normal-world and Josh Mathews gives us all a warning: “don’t reject Rosemary.” ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?! BRAM HAS BEEN BEATEN INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS AND ABDUCTED… IF NOT MURDERED! And THAT is how you react?! Hell… it hasn’t even been four months since this same group of people abducted, tortured, and threatened to murder Gail Kim!
Also, by my count, this is FOURTH time that a member of the TNA roster has been assaulted and left for dead off of the premises of the Impact Zone in just over two years… and that’s not including James Storm abducting Manik and Sanada and torturing and/or raping them.

Anyway, now that Bram has been murdered, it’s time to move on to the #1 contendership match.

BFG PLAYOFF FINALS VIDEO PACKAGE- I’d have been fine with this if they hadn’t said pretty much the same exact stuff in the opening segment.

EC III PROMO- more sh*t he pretty much said earlier tonight.

TYRUS COMMERCIAL- waste of time.


BOUND FOR GLORY PLAYOFF FINALS: Ethan Carter III vs. Mike Bennett (w/Maria Kanellis Bennett)- 7/10
Two weeks ago Dixie barred Moose from ringside to make sure he wouldn’t interfere in Bennett’s tournament match. She didn’t do so last week, and he interfered, affecting the outcome of the match. So of course she doesn’t ban him from ringside tonight, because she’s either too dumb to realize that he will interfere again, too immoral to want to curtail cheating, or too lazy to go through the effort of getting off of her ass to do so. Same goes for Corgan.
They wanted us think that Ethan taking that one bump earlier hurt his ribs a whole bunch. Fine… but please at least go through the effort of taping his ribs. They did use the ribs as the story of the match, so that was good, and callback to the finish of their first match was nice.
What wasn’t nice was the overbooking- or rather, the horrible execution thereof. Maria gets herself ejected from ringside, and two other referees come out to drag her away… but Brian Hebner STILL has to pay attention to her instead of going back to watch the match so they can do their kendo stick spot. A few moments later, Eddie Edwards and Moose brawl away into the crowd, and Hebner goes to follow them instead of doing his job and paying attention to the match so that they can do a kendo stick spot.

If the only bit of overbooking in this match had been the Moose-Eddie thing, I would have been fine with it, but with the poor handling of the Maria stuff and the fact that there had been so much overbooking all night long, it came across as more obnoxious TNA overbooking.

EC III wins… because despite what they’ve been building up for a while now, they’re not going with the EC III vs. Galloway blow-off on PPV. Lashley vs. Bennett for the title (Lashley wins), Drew vs. EC III (Drew wins) , and Eddie vs. Moose (Moose wins, then Eddie goes back to the tag division) is a much better set of PPV matches for what they have built up than Lashley vs. EC III and the others doing… who knows what? They idea that they wouldn’t put the EC III vs. Drew blow-off on PPV- especially after not being able to put the Hardy vs. Hardy blow-off on PPV- really shows you what kind of mindset they are in. They’re not even trying to make money anymore. They’re just trying to get buzz on TV to trick some investors into giving them more money with which to continue making the same mistakes.

This show f*cking sucked. Again. You know what have been the best things in TNA for the past four months or so? The feuds and various interactions between Ethan, Drew, Lashley, and Bennett (and now Moose) (and with one or two booking changes, the X-Division Title stuff could have been here, too)… and it has all revolved around the world title (and now Lashley is expanding it to other titles as well). And this stuff has all been simple PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING. Some guys don’t like each other. They all have a goal and the story has a direction. And yet for the past few weeks TNA has put so much of their focus on sh*t that is either over-thought, over-complicated dreck like the Hardys stuff or the Rosemary stuff or the Dixie-Maria stuff, or stuff that takes everything too far with ridiculous stips that kill any suspense like the Gail Kim stuff or the Storm vs. Drake angle, while the undercard is populated entirely by meaningless, directionless, never-ending crap like Grado & Shera vs. Al Snow & the Tribunal or whatever the f*ck is going on with the Bro-Mans. I get so angry at TNA because they clearly do have the ability to do things right… but they just seem to purposely avoid doing so at every turn.