BRM Reviews the 7/21/2016 Impact (horrible, even with an awesome main event)

[Big Red Machine]

STUPID HARDYS CRAP- Jeff is looking at the place where he set up the dirtbike jump on which he broke his leg last spring. Then Matt shows up and starts talking in Broken Matt Hardy-speak about how “this is the place where our tag team became broken.” He speculates the Jeff is looking for redemption by hoping that he can make the jump. He dares Jeff to “get on your cycle with wheels” and try to make the jump. He says he had a premonition that Jeff would fail, so he eggs Jeff on. Jeff then declares that he will do it, gets on his bike WITH NO HELMET, races towards the jump… and they cut to black because apparently where supposed to give a sh*t about this. What good will this so-called “redemption” do Jeff is he is still Matt’s slave?

OPENING SEGMENT- fine until Dixie showed up and said dumb things, then Matt Hardy made it worse.
Bobby Lashley comes out and cuts an awesome promo in which he buries football for having “protective pads.” He calls out Moose, but gets Bennett instead. Bennett says Moose will help him win the Bound For Glory Playoffs and win the TNA World Heavyweight Title. The whole story of last week’s show was that Bennett “ruined Destination X,” so why would TNA reward him by putting him in the BFG Playoffs?
They tease that we’re about to get Moose vs. Lashley right now, but Eddie Edwards runs out and attacks Moose from behind. We wind up getting big brawl out of this until it gets broken up by three referees and a dude in a polo shirt. Dixie Carter appears on the PandaTron and tells Eddie and Lashley to make sure to “get your game face on” and focus on their big match tonight, which she assures every will have a winner. This sounded really phony. I don’t know if it was the corny words or the fact that it’s coming from Dixie or the fact that this was a video on the PandaTron instead of Dixie coming out on the ramp, or some combination of the three, but this felt extremely phony. This was Dixie Carter the person trying to play a role TV that she’s just plain not suited for.
She then tells Bennett that if he even tries to interfere in the match he will be fired. She also tells him that his Bound For Glory Playoffs match is next, and Moose needs to leave because he is barred from ringside. A few things here:
1. Only in TNA do they need to add a “if wrestler X interferes, he will be fired” stipulation to a freakin’ STEEL CAGE MATCH.
2. Bennett spent all of last week saying he was going to ruin last week’s main event, so why didn’t Dixie make this announcement for last week’s match?
3. Why is it fair that Bennett will be fired if Moose interferes? Shouldn’t Moose be fired if Moose does something wrong?
4. If you’re going to ban Moose from ringside for Bennett’s match, why not ban Maria, too?

Jeff Hardy’s music starts to play, so I guess he’s Bennett’s opponent. Wait… no. Matt and Reby Hardy come out and Matt says that Brother Nero doesn’t deserve to compete for a world title shot. He says that everyone time we use Jeff’s imagine, we are doing so without permission because Jeff is his intellectual property. So… does that mean that Matt is preventing TNA from booking Jeff or showing him on TV? Why did TNA allow this to happen?
Matt says he will benevolently allow Jeff to appear on this show via a video he filmed over the weekend, which appears to be a shorter version of what we just saw at the beginning of this show, except that this time, instead of the fade to black, we get to see Jeff fail at his jump, falling off of his bike in a way that cannot possibly be safe. From an entirely non-kayfabe point of view, if you are TNA, HOW THE HELL DO YOU LET THEM DO THIS?! This is the exact same thing Jeff cost himself a good chunk of last year doing… and now you’re letting him do it WITH THE INTENTION OF FALLING?
So Jeff fails and Matt laughs at him and says that “you beloved motorcycle is broken and soon you will be, too” (or something along those lines). We then cut back to the Impact Zone where Matt announces that although Jeff is “nearly crippled” as a result of this crash, he will be competing tonight. How the hell is TNA letting a “nearly crippled” man compete?
Matt says that he and Vanguard 1 have composed new entrance music for Jeff which is Jeff repeatedly singing the line “I fade away and classify myself as obsolete.” Jeff makes his entrance, with his arm in a cast and the rest of him selling, while Reby yells “OBSOLETE!” at him into the microphone. So I guess Jeff is going to be in the Bound For Glory Playoffs even though the beginning of Matt’s promo and the last line in the video made it seem like Matt would be replacing him.
As we head into a commercial, Josh Matthews wonder how Jeff will possibly compete in this condition. I, meanwhile, I am wondering what the hell a “Bound For Glory Playoff” is and what its rules are.

BOUND FOR GLORY PLAYOFF MATCH: Mike Bennett vs. Jeff Hardy (w/Matt & Reby Hardy)- no rating.
So after they do this big match saying that if Jeff loses, he can no longer use the Hardy name… they’re still calling him Jeff Hardy. To be fair, I believe what TNA is doing is technically legal because that is Jeff’s legal name, but it’s TNA once again f*cking the fans over on a major stipulation.
Later in the match, Josh told us that TNA had “tweeted a picture of the Bound For Glory Playoff” (I still don’t know what that is, but if it’s a series of wrestling matches that haven’t happened yet. It’s not something you can really tweet a picture of. Maybe you can tweet a picture of the wrestlers involved, but that’s not what Josh said, and this show is post-produced, so there was no reason this couldn’t have been edited), and Matt Hardy told them that every time they use his intellectual property without his permission, he will fine them $5,000. Josh said this after he had said “Jeff Hardy” at least ten times. If this were real, you’d think that someone from TNA management would have come out to replace Josh- or at least remind him of this- before now, because he’s probably cost the company somewhere within the ranger of $50,000 so far tonight, and we’re only a sixth of the way into the show.
The match itself was what it was. Jeff sold and got very little offense in. Bennett won, but I’m still not sure what that means because THEY STILL HAVEN’T TOLD ME WHAT THE “BOUND FOR GLORY PLAYOFFS” ARE. If it’s a single-elimination tournament, then JUST SAY SO! I would assume it will lead to the winner getting a shot at the TNA World Heavyweight Title at Bound For Glory based on what TNA has done in the past… but if we’re making our assumptions based on what they’ve done in the past, then I think Mike Bennett just picked up seven points or something like that.
I have some sort of hint now as Josh says that Bennett is now in the semi-finals, but there is really no excuse for them not even once just saying “this is an X person tournament with Y rules.”
Also, remember how I said that if Dixie was going to ban Moose from ringside for this match, she should ban Maria from ringside, too? Well Maria just didn’t come out here, without any sort of explanation. Adding that one line earlier would have both made Dixie not look like an idiot and would have served as an explanation for why Maria was not at ringside for her husband’s match like she usually is… but apparently such basic levels of thinking are well above what TNA is capable of.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Matt calls Jeff an “obsolete mule” a bunch of times and tells him to get out of the ring. Jeff sulks off. Matt demands that his opponent come out so that Matt can “DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!” I hate this gimmick so much.

BOUND FOR GLORY PLAYOFF MATCH: James Storm vs. Matt Hardy (w/Reby Hardy)- DUD!
James Storm needs to ditch the Boozer Cruiser immediately. It makes him look like such a dork. During this match, he rode on it, ramming himself into Matt Hardy’s groin. Shouldn’t this a DQ, both for using a foreign object and for a low blow? Also, doesn’t this make Storm a cheater? Why should I cheer for him if he is a dirty cheater?
Hebner didn’t follow the rules of count-outs, and even the rules he did apply weren’t consistent. Matt wins when Reby hits Storm in the ankle with a hammer, then Matt hits the Twist of Fate for the win.

Another reason this Hardys angle needs to go away is that every time Josh tries to explain something about it or recap what happened, NOTHING HE SAYS MAKES ANY SENSE.

EDDIE EDWARDS PROMO- completely pointless.
This aired right after a video recapping the opening segment, ending with Dixie’s announcement that Bennett will be fired if he or Moose interfere in the main event, and her declaration that “THERE WILL BE A WINNER.” Then, in this promo, Eddie basically repeated exactly what Dixie said.

ETHAN CARTER III VIDEO PACKAGE- bad
He said that he “wasn’t handed the work ethic of a one-percenter. I wasn’t handed the drive of a one-percenter. I wasn’t handed the brains of a one-percenter. These I’ve earned.” These are all things that come from your genetic make-up, and seeing as how Ethan’s parents are part of the very one-percent Carter Family, he WAS, in fact, handed all of these things. And COME ON! He says he “earned” his “brains.” How the f*ck do you even say something that ridiculous. Did he fight monsters to get experience points and level up, adding all of his bonuses to his intelligence score? THE REAL WORLD IS NOT AN RPG.
This probably wasn’t really very long, but it felt like it went on forever. The whole thing was pointless. We all know Ethan wants the world title because it has been at the genesis of his still very ongoing feud with Drew Galloway. And it’s not like there is anything new they can teach us about Ethan because he’s a fictional character. He’s not like American Alpha where they can tell us things about his life to make us understand what drives him. Everything that there is to Ethan Carter III has been seen on screen. Putting this after the completely pointless Eddie Edwards promo also didn’t help. While this was playing, they had a graphic that told us that Ethan would be completing in a Bound For Glory Playoff next. How about instead of pointless filler you use this time to TELL US WHAT THE BOUND FOR GLORY PLAYOFF IS AND HOW IT WORKS?!

MOOSE & BENNETT BACKSTAGE- dull.
Bennett ranted and raved about how Dixie thinks she can “control history” and “write [his] destiny” and crap like that, while Moose paces, looking angry with Dixie, but he also seemed to have that annoyed look of someone whose patience is beginning to wear thin as he listens to his friend complain about the same sh*t over and over.
Bennett says that they will wait here while Maria gives her “State of the Knockouts address” (because that is apparently a thing that needs to happen), then they’ll go home for a week to relax and come back the week after. That seems like it won’t solve anything.
Moose says that he “came here to make an impact.” If I had a dime for every time they’ve used that line in TNA, I’d probably be able to buy the company. Moose says he’ll give Lashley a fight, and he doesn’t care if there is a cage in the way. Moose walks off, while Bennett follows behind him, complaining that he will be fired if Moose that.

EC III PROMO & SEGMENT WTH DREW GALLOWAY- snore.
Ethan came out and he took entirely too long to say that he wanted to be world champion. Drew Galloway came out and Josh called him “the Scottish Dragon.” Drew says that Ethan only got a job in TNA because of his last name, while TNA came to Drew, asking him to work for them. Drew came off very heelish here, which I’m sure was the intent, but it happened in a way that doesn’t seem to flow from his attitude he last time we saw him. It felt like he was coming out here for the expressed purpose of being a dick to Ethan, whereas the rest of this feud has grown organically from a misunderstanding and some mistrust based off of mutual desire for a championship that only one of them can have.
Ethan brings up their brawl last week, but they decide not to fight right now. Apparently they’re both in the Bound For Glory Playoff. Or maybe “Playoffs.” They keep saying it differently. We now have it confirmed that he winner will get to main event BFG. Drew says that he saw the brackets, and the only way these two can meet up is if they both make it to the finals. It’d be nice if TNA would show us the f*cking bracket.
Then they changed their minds and decided to fight, but Eli Drake interrupted them to cut a promo on them because he’s too stupid to let the guy he is about to face in the first round of the BFG Playoff have a brawl with someone else right before their match.
Once again, this whole thing felt like a waste of time. It’s been well over fifteen minutes since the end of the last match, and it’s got to be at least ten minutes since the end of that video package that told me that Ethan’s match was “next.” Ethan’s promo felt like it only happened so that Drew could interrupt him, Drew’s presence was only necessary to get over information that could have easily been conveyed by having Drew to guest commentary or a cut a short promo backstage or something, and Eli Drake’s presence was nothing more than a clumsy excuse for Drew and Ethan not to fight (and also one that made out King of the Mountain Champion, a master of stirring up sh*t between others, look like an idiot for unstirring the naturally occurring sh*t that would have obviously benefited him). There is WAY TOO MUCH talking on this show, and what’s worse is that most of it serves no purpose.

BOUND FOR GLORY PLAYOFF MATCH: Ethan Carter III vs. Eli Drake- 6.25/10
By the time this match started, it had been TWENTY MINUTES since the last one ended. This one only went about seven. The King of the Mountain Champion does another clean job.

HARDYS BACKSTAGE- Matt hasn’t been watching the show, but apparently Vanguard 1 has a DVR built into him, so when Matt asks who he will be “deleting” next week, it projects a hologram for Matt of the finish to the match we just saw. Matt calls EC III “Brother Nero Ethan” because watering this down is definitely going to make it better in TNA’s mind. It can also apparently analyze wrestling strategies, because Matt asks it for the “keys to victory” and it displays a graphic for him. Matt orders the cameraman to stop recording so we (and Ethan) won’t be able to see his strategy. He then orders Vanguard 1 to “delete that frequency. Delete the tape.” Then we got a goofy screen effect as Matt Hardy apparently remotely f*cked with TNA’S broadcasting equipment, and, presumably, their previously stored data was well because he clearly said “delete the tape.” This seems like the sort of thing he should be getting in trouble for. Also, his order was obviously quite futile as I am watching this on DVR almost a week later, so Ethan could easily still get the info by asking any of his friends (who all surely love wrestling because everyone does) if they DVRed the show.
Anyway, I hated this segment. This is a perfect example of self-indulgent bullsh*t, and even worse, it’s self-indulgent bullsh*t that doesn’t mesh with the rest of the show. TNA never knows when to quit, and this angle is yet another example of that. They should have told Matt “no.”

ALLIE & MARIA BACKSTAGE- Maria yelled at Allie.
So apparently Dixie is forcing Maria to give this “State of the Knockouts address,” which Maria doesn’t want to do because it means she will have to “answer questions.” Giving an address is when YOU talk to someone else and they sit there and listen. It’s not a press conference. Why should his compel Maria to answer questions she doesn’t want to answer as opposed to someone just asking her a question at any random time of the day?

“COMMERCIAL” FOR “THE FIXER” (TYRUS)- cute, except that no one gives a sh*t about Tyrus and they’ve already wasted enough time on this show. Also, this was shot as if Tyrus was sitting alone in his basement with the lights off, and his video camera is old that it can only record in black and white. Perhaps if he finds some clients, he’ll be able to buy a camera that was produced at some point in the past sixty years.

THE CAMERAMAN INTERVIEWS LASHLEY- the stuff about Dixie was pointless and incoherent, the rest of it was GREAT!

STATE OF THE KNOCKOUTS ADDRESS- HORRENDOUS ON SO MANY LEVELS
They decided it was necessary for the entire division to be in the ring for this. All six of them (and that includes Allie, although for some reason Rosemary didn’t have to be out here). It looked pathetic.
Maria comes out and she gives no speech; just says she’s here to answer questions. THEN IT’S NOT MUCH OF A F*CKING ADDRESS NOW IS IT?!” How f*cking incompetent are these people?! They obviously called it the “State of the Knockouts address” to play off of the State of the Union address… which apparently none of these idiots have ever seen, heard or read about, because they seem to be under the impression that the president shows up in House of Representatives and, walks to the rostrum and says “so… do any of you congresspeople have any questions you’d like to ask me?” and then they all take turns asking the president questions.
The only person who seems to have any inclination to ask a question is Allie, so whatever Dixie was hoping to accomplish with this seems to have failed. Allie was very annoying. Jade then asked why she hasn’t gotten one-on-one rematch yet after she was screwed out of the Knockouts Title by Marti. That’s a fair question for Jade to ask, but whatever answer Maria gives won’t open her up to any criticism that wouldn’t equally apply to Dixie or whoever is running the other divisions for their equally poor decision making regarding rematches. For example, Eddie Edwards never got a one-on-one rematch for the X-Division Title after he lost it to Bennett.
Marti yelled back at Jade, so that feud is still going on despite having a blow-off with a clean finish a few weeks ago.
Gail said that Maria won’t give Jade a one-on-one rematch, just like she won’t give Gail one, either. First of all, Dixie was still in charge when Gail lost the title, so part of the blame lies with her. In fact, all of it does for creating this “Leader of the Knockouts Division” job when there was no need for it, and then for thinking it was a good idea to let one of the wrestlers be the one in charge. Secondly, I’m not saying that Gail doesn’t technically have a point, but I’d be a lot more sympathetic to her plight if she hadn’t lost a whole bunch of non-one-on-one title matches since she lost the title. (Jade also lost in a four-way title match last week). If the angle is that Maria isn’t giving them rematches, then DON’T HAVE HER GIVE THEM ANY REMATCHES.
Sienna gets angry at Gail for claiming Maria is lying about her broken hand. Maria buries Gail for being “selfish,” and “not giving the other Knockouts a chance.” Gail says she is willing to go through every other woman on the roster in order to get a title shot. Maria says that if Gail loses any of these matches, she’ll never get another title shot again. She also says that whoever does beat Gail will be rewarded.
Jade says that she isn’t going to do this. Since when are she and Gail such good buddies? Shouldn’t she be eager for the chance to beat Gail and hope that Maria will reward her with the title shot she wants? Also… she is a wrestler and her boss just booked her in a wrestling match. Why is she allowed to just disobey Maria like that? This seems like perfectly legitimate grounds for Maria to fire her, in which case she will certainly never get the title shot she wants.
Marti gets in Jade’s face to Jade punches her and they start to brawl. Maria demands that officials come out and break it up, but Gail starts shouting that “this is exactly what happens when you’re in charge!” What? The wrestlers brawl? That’s been happening since LONG before Maria came to power. Gail reiterated that she would do “whatever it takes” and Maria said “so will I!” which was apparently the cue for Madison Rayne to turn heel and attack Gail. So if this was all a set-up by Maria, why was she pretending to hate it backstage when she didn’t know there was anyone watching?
This was a complete and total clusterf*ck. The logical hiccup I mentioned above was the very least of its problems. The Jade-Marti part of this and the Gail-Maria part of this did not mesh well at all, and their attempts to sew the two angles together resulted in the seams being quite obvious. The first issue was all of the stuff I mentioned above about Jade’s walk-out. The second part was Gail’s completely pathetic attempt to segue from the brawl back to her storyline, which was so clumsy that she came across like a politician dodging a question in a debate by changing the topic. Both this and the ridiculousness of Gail trying to blame the terrible problem of wrestlers brawling each other on Maria, combined with what I mentioned above about her getting a bunch of title shots made Gail come off as very unlikeable. Looking at it in hindsight, with the way Gail pretty much commandeered Jade’s criticism of Maria (interrupting Jade in the process), combined with all of the things I have said here… they make Maria’s claim that Gail is selfish and trying to hog the spotlight feel pretty darn accurate.
Madison’s turn also felt very random, and the stipulations for this gauntlet… do we REALLY need to see Gail Kim beat every other woman in the division and then win the title AGAIN? I fear that Jade has already been set on the course of 2011 Ken Anderson, 2014 Gunner, and early 2015 Bram: guys who looked like they were ready to move up the ladder and had the potential to become a fresh face in the TNA main event scene, only to be mired in bad feuds and have their potential completely squandered in favor of the same guys at the top we’ve been seeing for years.

ROSEMARY & BRAM BACKSTAGE- Bram wants to win the title. Rosemary says she wants him to win. She offers to help him. He says he doesn’t know if he wants help. They made out. Surprisingly, this wasn’t terrible.

THE TRIBUNAL BEAT UP MAHABALI SHERA BACKSTAGE- good.

BOUND FOR GLORY PLAYOFF MATCH: Drew Galloway vs. Bram- 6/10
Drew wins clean. No sign of Rosemary whatsoever.

DREW GALLOWAY PROMO- Yeah… at this point they’ve completely ruined the tournament by pushing this “Drew vs. Ethan in the finals” thing so hard.

BENNETT SHOWS UP TO ARGUE WITH DREW- Bennett says he’ll beat Drew next week and win the tournament. Drew says that won’t happen if Moose interferes in the main event and gets Bennett fired (which we all know won’t happen).

STEEL CAGE TITLE VS. TITLE MATCH: Bobby Lashley(TNA World Heavyweight Champion) vs. Eddie Edwards(TNA X-Division Title)- 8/10
Eddie dove onto Lashley while he was walking up the steps, which is pretty much like jumping a guy before he is ready, just so they could spend the first few (unofficial) minutes of this steel cage match brawling outside of the cage. Josh kept pushing the fact that the match can’t start unless both guys are in the cage and door is locked, so I figured that this was the loophole they would use to let Moose and Bennett attack, but that didn’t happen. They were just brawling on the outside for the sake of brawling on the outside.
That silliness aside, this was one of the best matches on Impact in a very long time. Eddie is an excellent babyface and sold his midsection well throughout the match. That hurricanrana is the sort of spot that you put into the opening video of your show.

So now Lashley is your X-Division Champion. So how are you going to get the belt off of him?

POST-MATCH SEMGENT- Lashley is going to attack Eddie again but EC III makes the save. Then Matt Hardy ran win. Then Drew Galloway. Then Bennett and Moose. The show ended with a schmoz going on. Aside from Bennett and Moose, this whole thing felt completely forced. Like a desperate attempt to make the Bound For Glory Playoffs feel important instead of doing that by actually giving the matches time and building them up. I think it would have made a lot more sense to just have Moose and Bennett run in and have them beat up Lashley.

A very bad show from TNA aside from the main event. They failed to make the Bound for Glory Playoff(s?) feel important in any way, and show was bogged down by stupid sh*t and WAY too much time wasted talking.

[KILLdozer]

I had to stop reading just because I couldn't wait to ask the question that immediately came to mind..."Why do you keep watching this shit?'...now that that's out the way, I shall resume.

[Big Red Machine]

I had to stop reading just because I couldn't wait to ask the question that immediately came to mind..."Why do you keep watching this shit?'...now that that's out the way, I shall resume.

The hope of matches like the one we got in the main event.

[KILLdozer]

I stopped reading before the shit about the EC the three.

[KILLdozer]

Sure though...gonna make TNA great again.

[Big Red Machine]

FK99 in his review pointed out that the big schmoz at the end turned Moose into "just another guy" by sticking him in the middle of a schmoz where he got no focus at all.