BRM Reviews the 5/31/2016 Impact (terrible)

[Big Red Machine]

DIXIE HANDS CONTROL OF THE SHOW OVER TO A SECRET PERSON- So we start off with secret spy camera footage of Dixie talking to a person in a suit we can’t see. He’s a white or possibly Hispanic male and if you were really trying to look for it you could tell he had brown or black hair (the person in question is almost certainly EC III). Dixie says that on last week’s show, people took the theme of “May Mayhem” too far. I love how some weeks wild chaos is a terrible thing and other week’s it is supposedly great and exciting. Also how ridiculously fluid the amount of chaos that is acceptable is from week to week.
So Dixie’s solution to this is not to lady up and resolve to do her own f*cking job better. Instead, not just Dixie but also Billy Corgan and just going to hand control of the show to someone else for the night. Yeah. That’s a good idea. I’m sure nothing crazy or wild will happen if you do that.
Dixie warns this person that “absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Meanwhile, Maria has been completely abusing her newly-won power in the Knockouts Division since she got control of it and Dixie hasn’t done sh*t to stop her.

OPENING SEGMENT-
Mike and Maria make their entrance, and as they do, Josh tells us that rumors have been flying around all day as to who this person could be. Do you mean to tell me that the show is about to on the air and TNA STILL hasn’t told the wrestlers who will be in charge?
The Bennetts complain that they should be in charge. Apparently just now, while Bennett was out here cutting this promo, Dixie tweeted that Ethan would be in charge. Ethan comes out and books himself vs. Bennett at Slammiversary. You’ve got to love how TNA does things. One idiot babyface authority figure gives a heel control of the booking a match that the company should want booked anyway. The heel sets up ridiculous stipulations for the second babyface, who winds up failing those stipulations in a rather silly way, but then the babyface gets the match he wants anyway because babyface authority figure family member decided that she was too lazy to do her job for one night and she let him be in charge so he just books the match.
Ethan books the match for Slammiversary. Why not tonight? Ethan says that he wants Bennett to be at 100% for their match. Is he injured now or something? And if Ethan wants Bennett to be at 100% and is going to give him the night off tonight to ensure it, why not book the match for next week’s show? At Slammiversary it is entirely possible for Bennett to have wrestled on Impact just five days before. If Ethan gives him the night off tonight and books the match for next week then Bennett will have had a full fourteen days off (as will Ethan himself).
Bennett claims that giving him the night off is a bad idea because he apparently draws ratings and makes advertisers “throw their money at TNA” with every segment he is in. What is even the point of telling such an outrageous lie? If you’re going to go that far you might as well claim that they deliver this money via an alien currier riding a tyrannosaurs.
Anyway, Bennett says he’ll take the night off, but Ethan tells him that just because he has the night off from wrestling doesn’t mean there isn’t anything he has to do. He is making Bennett the janitor for tonight. CONTRACTS DON’T WORK LIKE THAT!
But, for the sake of argument, let’s pretend that they did. Tell me, Ethan: what are you going to do if Bennett walks away and tells you to shove that mop up your ass? Fine him? What if he doesn’t pay? Are you going to fire him? If you fire him you don’t get your rematch.
Ethan also announces that management isn’t happy with Maria so she will be getting a “job evaluation” tonight and she might get fired. So once again TNA would be nullifying the result of a wrestling match via politics by the babyfaces.
Amyway, Bennett refuses to do it, and Ethan can do nothing, making him look like an impotent dork.

Then Lashley and Drew came out and Ethan says something about letting Drew do his job for him. That’s good work ethic there, Ethan. Then we go to a commercial. This whole thing was a big f*cking waste of time.

BENNETT AND ETHAN IN THE BATHROOM- bad
When we return from the commercial, Bennett and EC III are in a bathroom. Apparently he is being forced to do this anyway because Ethan said so. Bennett is complaining about how bad it smells. Ethan is being a huge asshole to him. Is this supposed to be funny? Because all it is doing is making me want to see Bennett kick Ethan’s ass.

Apparently Drew and Lashley were nice enough to just wait around until not only the commercial was over but also until the backstage segment was over before doing anything. Drew announces that Lashley will face Bram right now…

BOBBY LASHLEY vs. BRAM- 6/10
They brawl for a bit, then Lashley gets DQed on purpose because I guess they don’t want to beat the King of the Mountain Champion. Then Lashley spears him twice before Drew comes out with a steel chair to make the save. Drew chased Lashley away, which led to E-LI DRAKE coming out to cash in his Feast or Fired Briefcase.

TNA KING OF THE MOUNTAIN TITLE MATCH: Bram(c) vs. Eli Drake- no rating.
Eli wins. Hooray!

BRO-MANS VIDEO- they are idiots. Especially Robbie. She tells them that the key to winning is focus. Then we get tons of gratuitous bikini shots of her with an annoying lighting effect. Also, the purple of her hair is WAY too bright. Psylocke looks cool. Raquel just looks like a goofball.

ETHAN SHOWS UP IN THE BATHROOM TO BE A DOUCHE TO BENNETT- Earl Hebner came out of a bathroom stall. This would be the same Earl Hebner who we saw in the ring checking on Bram less than a minute and a half ago. They expect me to believe that old man Hebner finished doing his job, got out of the ring, went backstage, went into the bathroom and managed to finished taking a comically large sh*t all in under a minute and a half?
Oh. That’s right. Mike Bennett beat the living sh*t out of Earl Hebner last week, didn’t he. And yet there was no punishment from the company whatsoever. Bennett says mean things about referees, so Ethan says he will teach Bennett a lesson by making him referee a match. Yeah. Because that’s what we want. A guy with a history of cheating being made a referee.

They promise us footage of the Matt-Jeff contract signing from the apparently utterly GIGANTIC Hardy family estate. Like… I honestly have trouble believing that the McMahons own this much land. Also… are they really trying to convince me that Matt and Jeff still live in the same house after months of problems?

ELI DRAKE “CELEBRATES” WITH PEOPLE BACKSTAGE- he’s such a fantastic douchebag.

MATT HARDY WEIRD SH*T- Matt cuts a weird promo in front of his (their?) house.

#1 CONTENDERSHIP TAG TEAM MATCH WITH MIKE BENNETT AS SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE: Rockstar Spud & Tyrus vs. Bro-Mans (w/Raquel)- 4/10
Yeah… Raquel just doesn’t fit in with these two at all. She comes across as completely empty-headed while they come across as bimbos. The Beautiful People were a MUCH better fit. Bro-Mans win when Tyrus allows himself to become distracted by Raquel.

MARIA ON THE PHONE- bad.
She complains that EC III has been made the “leader” tonight. Can we please get a real job title in here somewhere? Douchebag Ethan grabs the phone from her and hangs up on Billy Corgan. He justifies this douchebaggery by saying “my show, my rules.” Sorry, ass-hat, but THAT’S NOT HOW BEING A GOOD PERSON OR AN EQUITABLE OFFICIAL WORKS! Ethan is displaying EXACTLY the sort of mentality that Dixie warned him about earlier on. All that this episode is showing us is that Ethan hasn’t really changed; that he’s still the same entitled douchebag were introduced to at Bound For Glory 2013. This does not make me like him or win to see him get his win back on Bennett.
The entire purpose of this segment was to tell us that Maria’s “job evaluation” was up next.

MORE HYPE FOR THE HARDY’S CONTRACT SIGNING- Jeff rides around their estate on a motorcycle. They have gigantic personalized lawn sculptures. It must be nice to be so rich.

MARIA’S JOB EVALUATION- Maria comes out with Allie and Sienna. Ethan is a giant ass to the latter two for no reason. Maria stands up for her people. Remind me again why Ethan is supposed to be the babyface? I was hoping Sienna would jump him from behind and beat the sh*t out of him.

Ethan says that Maria putting her hands on Gail should be grounds for dismissal. Well then why has TNA waited an entire week to do something about it? Gail says that everyone wants to see her face Maria at Slammiversary. Ethan books the match, but in in the most annoying manner possible. In just half a show I already never want to see him again. If you think Stephanie McMahon is bad enough to bring down a show through her domineering interactions with the talent, just wait until you see EC III. Also, Ethan books…

ALLIE & SIENNA (w/Maria Kanellis Bennett) vs. GAIL KIM & JADE (w/Ethan Carter III)- 4.25/10 (but damn was Allie entertaining)
Gail is dressed to compete, as are Jade and Sienna, but Allie isn’t, so the heels are being forced into this match at a disadvantage. Also, to our knowledge, Allie isn’t even a trained wrestler (and she sure wasn’t acting like one).
I know I’ve said some negative things about Allie’s performance of her character since her debut, but I will admit that she won me over tonight with her outraged high-pitched screaming. She has the potential to be an excellent comedic lackey. Imagine if Beaker from the Muppets used real words. Her facials were awesome, too. She was SOOO excited when she was doing well, and seemed to be in mortal fear when she wasn’t.

HARDYS CRAP- Jeff has a lame beard now, too. Reby is taking the baby and leaving because Matt is crazy. He is sitting a playing the piano. He demands that the contract be signed “in the sanctuary of our genesis.” Jeff has no idea what he is talking about, so Matt demands that Jeff follow him. Dramatic music plays. This is terrible.

BENNETT YELLS AT ETHAN IN THE RING- Ethan books him against an opponent who “it would be a miracle if he shows up sober.” After that last segment my first thought was “which Hardy is it?” Instead we got…

JAMES STORM vs. MIKE BENNETT (w/Maria Kanellis Bennett)- 4.5/10
So I guess all of that stuff Ethan said at the beginning about wanting Bennett to be at 100% at Slammiversary wasn’t true and was all just a waste of time. F*ck this show.
Josh refers to Storm as “The Bearded Outlaw.” What a f*cking stupid nickname. That should be a flogging offense. They had a meh match with a bad finish. Storm looks like a f*cking idiot for being distracted by Maria holding his beer bottle. Then Ethan cut a promo to distract Bennett so Storm could hit him with the Last Call.

AL SNOW PROMO- since last week he seems to have gotten his ears pierced and purchased some very feminine-looking earrings. He introduces Basile Baraka and Baron Dax (the Legionaires) who he calls his “tribunal.” Umm… Al? There’s only two of them. They can’t possibly be a tribunal. Holy crap Baron Dax looks oddly like Randy Orton. Lefort looks nowhere near as awesome now that he is bald. Also, his tight shirt doesn’t allow him to show off his body hair, which is another essential part of the French Stallion gimmick.
Al insists that he didn’t use any weapons to beat Grado last week. Mahabali Shera & Grado show up. Shera is now playing the role of the “dumb foreign servant.” Grado asked him if he was being honest and Shera, who we have seen use English before, responded “I do not understand…but 100%, sir.” They said dumb crap. The babyfaces rushed the ring and got beaten when Al grabbed a chair and clobbered them. Then Grado and Shera got beaten down.

MEET BRAXTON SUTTER- I have no idea who this man is, but this video did make me like him. Research reveals that he is Pepper Parks. Do you want do know why no one picked you up before? IT’S BECAUSE YOU INSISTED ON GOING BY THE STUPID NAME.

SLAMMIVERSARY RUN-DOWN VIDEO- I didn’t like the graphics at all. The close-ups felt weird. I’m also the kind of guy who likes my traditional match graphics with all of the wrestlers and the stipulations and the titles all on the screen at the same time for each match.

HARDYS STUFF- it turn out that their “genesis chamber” or whatever is the backyard ring they first wrestled in. I was expecting it to be their parents’ bedroom, so that’s a relief.


HANDICAP MATCH: Drew Galloway vs. Decay- 6.5/10
Well if Lashley is going to make Drew wrestle a handicap match, why not throw like eight other guys in there, too?
I believe this is the first time Decay has even been mentioned on TV in at least two weeks. They are the tag champs. That shouldn’t happen.
So the TNA World Tag Team Champions and their female friend all get beat just one dude. BAD! This made them look completely second rate, both in their inability to win a handicap match and by playing the role of Lashley’s lackeys.

THE HARDYS FINALLY SIGN THE F*CKING CONTRACT- bad
Matt says he wants to end it where it began: in this very ring. So… are they going to have the Slammiversary match in that ring? He obviously doesn’t mean that they will sign the contract in that ring because he the rolled out of the ring to table he had set up on the floor outside of it. Jeff says asks way they don’t just fight right now. Matt thinks that’s a good idea, so he gets into the ring.
At that very moment, Reby Sky storms in still holding baby Maxell in her torso-strapped baby-carrier thing. She calls for Jeff’s attention and then she THREW THE BABY AT HIM! Jeff made the catch, but it turns out this was just a doll because SWERVE Reby was in on it the whole time and this was all planned for Reby to distract Jeff at this very moment so that Matt could attack him from behind. Matt then gave Jeff a Side Effect off the apron… except they showed it to us in slow motion, which was wacky as hell. The results of this made it clear that this table was 100% gimmicked, too. Matt shouts that “it’s over!” and the show ends, with Jeff never having signed the contract.

Another bad show from TNA. Logic holes all over the place, babyfaces winning because of politics, and a top babyface being completely insufferable. There is also WAY too much of this show that is talking, whether it’s backstage skits or videos like what the Hardys did here or talking in the ring. There is just WAY too much of it… and 99% of it never matters. It all feels like filler that they are using to ensure that their show makes it to two hours.