BRM Reviews the 4/12/2016 Impact (boring)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- meh
Matt Hardy Brand comes out and Matt starts to cut his promo by demanding “silence!” from everyone who “paid to see” Matt Hardy. I guess no one has smartened Matt up to how the Impact Zone works. Won’t he be in for a shock the next time he has to renegotiate his contract.
Matt calls Jeff out because he says Jeff is disgracing the Hardy name. Jeff comes out and says that their feud is about the world title, which is bigger than any one person. Even Tyrus (Jeff’s joke, not mine, but I thought it was funny enough to repeat here). I could have sworn that they were feuding because of the dishonorable tactics Matt stooped to in order to win the title rather than because Jeff wanted the title or because Matt was disgracing the title.
I popped for Matt making fun of Jeff’s crappy paintings.
Matt demanded that Jeff change his name so as not to damage the Hardy™ brand that Matt has worked so hard to build and protect. Part of me hopes that they take this idea to its natural conclusion and have a match where the loser can no longer use the Hardy name. It would be ridiculous, but if they play it 100% seriously, I think it could actually work. Also, I would be quite amused by the idea that TNA thinks they can start to grow again by pulling an angle out of the dying days of WCW where Booker T and Big T fought over the rights to the letter “T.”

TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Beer Money(c) vs. Bro-Mans-
Or not. Apparently, instead, we’re getting…
TNA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Beer Money(c) vs. Bro-Mans vs. Eric Young & Bram vs. Decay (w/Rosemary)- 6/10
Both the Boozer Cruiser spot and “Boozer Cruiser Cam” view were horrifically stupid. And of course Storm had to hit Bram in the nuts because he’s supposed to be the babyface so obviously that means he should cheat because everyone loves cheaters.
Godderz looked impressive. Storm picks up the win for Beer Money after a miscue between EY & Bram, who Josh referred to as “the Treacherous Terror Twins.” He really said that.

MATT, JEFF & TYRUS BACKSTAGE- they’re having a tag match tonight to decide the stips of next week’s singles match. If Matt wins it will be an I Quit Match. If Jeff wins it will be Full Metal Mayhem.
Sadly, this seemed to be building up to Jeff putting his career on the line instead of my “Loser Can No Longer Be A Hardy” idea.

MARIA PROMO- one of those “I’m about to out to the ring and cut another promo” promos that TNA does.

SOMEONE JUMPED EDDIE EDWARDS BACKSTAGE- his shoulder is hurt. He is supposed to face Trevor Lee tonight, so all signs point to Lee and Helms being behind this.

KNOCKOUTS SEGMENT- Wacky.
Maria started off by invoking Donald Trump for cheap heat. Then she called out Jade and tried to take credit for all of her success and ordered her to hand the title over. Jade says she won’t do it and that Maria should fight for the title. Then Gail Kim came out got in Maria’s face about Maria not wanting to work for things.
Maria is SOOOOO great in this role! She said some stuff burying the rest of the division. Then the rest of the Dollhouse came out. I had completely forgotten that they existed and was amazed that Rebel was still employed. They were both painful to listen to. Have Marti Belle even won a singles match yet?
Then TBP came out. Madison is apparently back to being a goofball again. Velvet did not want to put up with her idiocy.
Music that no one recognized played. Billy Corgan came out. Maria immediately tried to suck up to him. How long has it been since I put over her performance? A whole ten sentences? Time to fix that. She was awesome here! Billy Corgan said that Dixie said that the Knockouts Division was “one of her proudest achievements,” which certainly explains the state it has been in for the past few years.
Corgan gives Madison a title shot for no reason. Then, also for no reason, he books a match for next week (I think between all of the women) to determine who will be in charge of the Knockouts Division. Are you kidding me? We’ve got Dixie, Corgan, and Al Snow walking around backstage every week, plus we’ve seen Gaburick back there a few times as well. Are you telling me that between all of these company executives, not one of them is in charge of booking the women? That seems like a pretty f*cking important vacancy to not have filled.
The segment ended with exactly what I had been waiting for the whole time, which was Maria pissing someone off (in this case Jade), then ducking when Jade tried to hit her, causing Jade to hit someone else and starting a big schmoz, with Maria being the only one to escape unharmed from this ruckus that she herself caused. I was hoping that she would actually sneak off with the title belt, too, but that isn’t necessary if you’re building to a “winner is the boss” match next week.

EC III PROMO- okay.

SHANE HELMS PROMO- Eddie Edwards is injured, so Helms makes an open challenge on Trevor Lee’s behalf.

DJ ZEMA ION vs. TREVOR LEE (w/Shane Helms)- 3.5/10
DJ Z came out wearing a completely ridiculous full-faced helmet. They had a very short match that they went all-out in. DJ Z won clean to set him up for a title shot. Helms attacked Zema after the match but Eddie Edwards came out to chase him away.

MIKE BENNETT PROMO- meh

JEFF HARDY PROMO- I’m failing to see the importance of tonight’s match. I get that it lets you pick the stip for next week’s match, but there is nothing on the line to actually make next week’s match important.
Jeff announces that his partner tonight will be Drew Galloway.

ETHAN CARTER III vs. MIKE BENNETT (w/Maria Kanellis)- DUD!
They were having an okay match but then they did a bunch of crappy over-booked spots, resulting in guys not caring if they got DQed, a horribly contrived-looking set-up for an even more horrible-looking ref bump, and then Ethan getting DQed because they didn’t want Ethan to win the match, but they also didn’t want to end his stupid streak.
In fact, now that I think about it, the fact that they are still pushing this streak despite the fact that Ethan has lost numerous gimmick matches like cage matches and Last Man Standing matches actually devalues those gimmicks. A Last Man Standing match is supposed to be more intense and more important than a regular match, right? So if they are pushing the fact that Ethan hasn’t been pinned or submitted but glossing over the fact that he lost a Last Man Standing match, what does that say about the gimmick match?

AL SNOW SAYS HE WILL APPOLOGIZE TO SHERA & GRADO- BOOOOO! Don’t do it, Al!

AL SNOW & MAHABALI SHERA SEGMENT- meh.
Grado is STILL in the hospital? It’s been two weeks! It’s just a broken arm!
Al cuts a promo basically saying that he has finally figured out that the territories are dead and you can’t go around beating the sh*t out of rookies just for sh*ts and giggles anymore like people did to him. He wants to make it up to Shera & Grado by using his experience to help them. Shera yelled at him a lot but finally accepted Al’s offer to help. Then Al attacked him, because apparently the world really needs to see this Al Snow vs. Mahabali Shera & Grado feud.

DREW & TYRUS HAVE A COMPLETELY POINTLESS SEGMENT- this was a waste of time, unless it is setting up a double turn with Tyrus turning on Matt to join Drew, which would be a horrible idea for multiple reasons (and would also make Tyrus the AJ Lee of bodyguards).
There was no reason to remind us about Tyrus’ title shot because they have beaten that point into the ground recently.

AL SNOW PROMO- he’s an old-timer. We get it.

TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Jade(c) vs. Madison Rayne- 3.5/10

WINNER GETS TO PICK NEXT WEEK’S STIPULATION: Jeff Hardy & Drew Galloway vs. Matt Hardy Brand (Matt Hardy & Tyrus) (w/Rockstar Spud & Reby Sky)- 6.25/10
Matt wins via hammer shot.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Lashley spears Galloway, then picks him up and spears him again. The he gave him a third spear- this time into the ring steps- which looked terrible. Lashley posed with the belt. A good angle.

HARDY VS. HARDY PREVIEW VIDEO THING- this was really f*cking weird. This was filmed in monochrome and showed someone who it took me a solid minute to positively identify as Jeff Hardy standing on a catwalk and doing a Swanton Bomb in slow motion while what sounded like an air traffic controlled chattered in the background.

A pretty dull show from TNA, aside from anywhere Maria was involved.


STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. Josh keeps droning on and on about how “this isn’t the AL Snow I’ve known for ten years!” Are you kidding me? This is the second time he has done such a thing to GRADO, never mind to anyone else.
2. Josh Mathews- “He also made a match for next week. We’ll talk about that throughout the course of this Knockouts Championship match.”
How about you talk about THE TITLE MATCH GOING ON IN THE RING “during the course of this Knockouts Championship match.”
3. Josh said that defeating both Matt Hardy and Jeff Hardy is “not something that may happen twice in a career.”
I burst out laughing. I can probably name a good fifty off the top of my head.