BRM Reviews the 4/18/2013 Impact (horrible)

[Big Red Machine]

RECAP OF THE MAIN EVENT FROM LAST WEEK AND FOOTAGE OF JEFF HARDY BEING STRECHERED AWAY- very well done. I actually feel bad for Jeff as a babyface for the first time in a while.

Wow! This actually looks like they are in a real arena packed with real fans! THIS is why TNA has needed to go on the road. You can’t claim to be the number two company when you tape on a soundstage in front of (at most) 1,100 plants, when the #3 company tours pretty much the entire country east of the Mississippi, and Toronto too.

DEVON TALKS TO GARRETT AND WES ABOUT THEIR MATCH WITH KURT ANGLE TONIGHT- bad. My major problem with this segment is that it is entirely unnecessary. If there is one thing we don’t need a backstage segment to tell us, it is that Kurt Angle is not someone to take lightly.
Wes bragging to Devon about having beaten Kurt before was just stupid. Everyone knows that Wes got the win because D’Lo interfered. If he were bragging about this to the fans as a way to get heat it would be fine, but to brag about it to his superior in Aces & Eights is just dumb.

HANDICAP MATCH: Garrett Bischoff & Wes Brisco vs. Kurt Angle- 4/10
Taz was SO F*CKING ANNOYING during this match. I understand that he is trying to be a heel, but saying things that are just blatantly untrue kills all of his credibility when he puts someone over for something, and he is just so f*cking obnoxious that I want to shut the sound off is taking it WAY too far.
Booking this match was a huge mistake. Obviously Garrett and Wes are kayfabe green, so they can’t do too well against Kurt, but all but losing in a handicap match just makes them look even more like chumps. Furthermore, the finish they did here (Garrett hits Kurt with a steel chain while the ref is distracted by other Aces & Eights guys) would have worked equally well in a singles match where one of these guys could have actually survived for a few minutes on his own against Kurt and came out of it looking better than he went in.
Anyway, Aces & Eights come out and surround the ring, but none of the babyfaces come out to chase them off. After the match Wes and Garrett give Kurt a double powerbomb and still no one comes out to help. Anderson then cut a promo whose only purpose was to remind us that Aces & Eights want AJ to join them.

X-DIVISION PROMOS-
First Petey Williams says that things are extra tough in the X-Division now because you have to scout two opponents rather than just one. As if a veteran of the X-Division like Petey Williams hasn’t already competed in a zillion multi-man matches.
Then Petey says that his strategy will be to hit the Canadian Destroyer… then he says “actually, I probably shouldn’t say that because I don’t want them scouting me.” This was intended to be funny, but coming from Petey in particular, it is just laughable ridiculous. As if Petey’s opponents need to hear him say that he wants to hit the Canadian Destroyer to know to watch out for it. Petey is a great wrestler but the Canadian Destroyer is his only real finisher, and the move has been associated with him for the past ten years (at Glory By Honor VIII Austin Aries referred to Petey as “my little one-trick pony”). As if someone would go into a match with Petey Williams and not worry about the Canadian Destroyer.
Zema Ion, on the other hand, was very good.

TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: Kenny King(c) vs. Petey Williams vs. Zema Ion- 4/10
The match was very Petey-centric, which hopefully means they are building up a title chase for Petey.
THE REF-CAM- I really didn’t like this. It was just like the floor cam except the coloring was off and it was a lot shakier. Also, it made the referee look like a coal miner.

MAGNUS PROMO- apparently Magnus has a TV Title match tonight. This is something it would have been nice to hype up. The promo itself was eh.

BROOKE AND THE VARIOUS KNOCKOUTS BACKSTAGE- HORRIBLE!
It starts off with Christie Hemme showing Brooke the new Knockouts’ website. Christie just basically read off the all of the publicity that we have been hearing since the announcement came out. Why she needs to tell all this to Brooke I have no idea. You would think that the person in charge of the Knockouts’ Division would know all of this already. For this reason, this came off as a stupid plug, which, for some odd reason, was captured on the secret TNA spy camera that is creepily PEERING IN THE DOOR OF THE WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM (or maybe it’s Brooke’s office, but it is still creepy)!
On her way out of the room, Christie walks right past the cameraman, and seem to have no problem with his presence. This sort of thing just makes the secret spy cam style footage look idiotic. You need to either go the WWE route of just pretending that the cameras don’t exist or (as is my preference) come up with a plausible reason for why the camera would be there. Cutting backstage to a camera that is sneaking around and is somehow always in the right place to catch an interesting conversation, and airing that often private conversations of national TV is just stupid… and when someone walks right by the damn camera and doesn’t react to the fact that they were just unknowingly and non-consensually filmed it just exposes the whole thing.
Brooke then calls in Tessmacher and Mickie and tells them that they have been “showing some real heart out there and really working so hard,” so she is putting them in a #1 contendership match tonight. If these women have been working so hard and showing so much heart, I haven’t seen it… BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T BEEN ON TV! Between the two of them, they have had a combined total of THREE APPEARANCES in the last three months! To make matters worse, Mickie didn’t pick up a win in her only appearance since losing the #1 contendership gauntlet at Genesis, and Tessmacher’s last appearance saw her lose a title match!
Not only have we not seen either of these women do a damn thing to earn this shot, but they didn’t even f*cking pay lip service the concept of “winning matches gets you title shots.” They could have had Brooke mention that they had picked up some big wins on house shows or something… but instead they just get a title shot because Brooke Hogan thinks they are hard workers.
Oh, and Brooke has the gall to say that she thinks both of them have “something special.” This really pissed me off. I like Tessmacher a lot and I have no problem with Brooke’s pathetic attempt to put her over (as if an endorsement from an incompetent boss and non-wrestler means anything), but for Brooke to say that she “thinks” MICKIE JAMES has “something special”… THIS IS MICKIE F*CKING JAMES! She is the most talented female wrestle to appear on TV for a mainstream promotion in a wrestling role since Lita retired (I say “in a wrestling role” to exclude Cheerleader Melissa because you don’t want me to even get started on how horribly TNA misused her. Seriously! How f*cking stupid do you have to be to say “let’s sign Cheerleader Melissa and use her as a manager.”) and Brooke Hogan “thinks” she sees “something special” in her. Never mind being fit to lace Mickie’s boots, Brooke isn’t worthy to be in the same room as them. And Mickie’s boots are probably capable of showing more emotion, too. I swear I am sick and tired of seeing Brooke’s botoxed-up face. She looks like one of those women who has had WAY too many plastic surgeries.
Mickie leaves, but Tessmacher stays behind to tell Brooke that she and all of the Knockouts can’t begin to image how horrible she must feel with this whole Bully Ray thing, and that if she needs anything, the Knockouts will be there for her. This seems like the sort of thing someone should have said to Brooke five weeks ago, not right now, a month after it happened.

TNA TV TITLE MATCH: Devon(c) vs. Magnus-
So Devon is set to defend the TV Title for the first time since DECEMBER 20th (and Devon’s lone defense so far has not been against the former champion, Samoa Joe). Anyone else remember about just a year ago (to the day, almost), when TNA told us that the TV Title would be defended every week? Silly me for actually believing that TNA would be able to keep up with their own kayfabe rules.
And silly me for thinking that we would actually get a TV Title match, too. Knux and Doc try to ambush Magnus during his entrance, but get the crap beaten out of them until Devon comes up the ramp and hits Magnus with a steel chain. They beat Magnus down and Devon punches him in the gut with the chain, then Knux and Doc give Magnus a nice-looking double chokeslam onto the ramp. Help for Magnus finally arrives in the form of a lone, un-armed Samoa Joe… but that is enough to send three members of the Aces & Eights (one of whom is armed with a steel chain) backing away in fright.

SAMOA JOE PROMO- awesome!

VELVET SKY INJURY VIDEO PACKAGE- okay.

WINNER BECOMES #1 CONTENDER TO THE TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE: Miss Tessmacher vs. Mickie James- 4.75/10
Did they really wait the entire commercial before starting the match? That seems like a very inefficient use of time.
So it was a problem when Joey Ryan was perving at the Knockouts when he was supposed to be the referee, but ODB flat out grabbing one of Mickie’s cans is okay? In other words, sexual harassment if perfectly fine so long as it doesn’t get in the way of you doing your job. TNA LLC. the kayfabe entity just seems like the sh*ttiest company in the world. They pay some wrestlers dirt (remember when, between the two of them, Hernandez and Anarquia couldn’t scratch up enough money to stop their car from getting repossessed?), they are willing to torture people on national TV, if there is a dangerous wanted person accused of sexual assault walking around, they will tell you that such a person exists but won’t tell you who it is, the company seems to only make decisions on Thursdays, it took them three weeks to fire a guy who is part of a group that has organize countless attacks on TNA employees, they put no effort into searching for employees who go missing (Joe got kidnapped by ninjas and they didn’t try to look for him Joseph Park got kidnapped by Aces & Eights, and ABYSS IS STILL MISSING) and sexual harassment is perfectly acceptable so long as it doesn’t negatively affect your job performance.
Anyway, Mickie seems to have some random animosity towards ODB all of a sudden. ODB got WAY too involved in this match. Taz actually brought up a good point during this match (shocking, I know): refereeing a match is a very important job which requires great judgment skills and fast reflexes… and yet ODB is allowed to DRINK while doing so?

BAD INFLUENCE PROMO- fun

BULLY RAY AND DEVON BEAT UP JOSEPH PARK- they threaten Joseph to stay out of their business. Bully already used the Hogans to get what he wanted. Why does he care if he remains married to Brooke or not?
MICKIE JAMES VIDEO PACKAGE- wow, they already put together a video package for Mickie including highlights of tonight’s match that just finished a few minutes ago

JAMES STORM PROMO- great

BAD INFLUENCE & ROODE & ARIES SEGMENT- an AWESOME segment which was ruined by Chavo and Hernandez showing up and being sh*tty babyfaces who attack people from behind. Then Chavo picks up the mic, holds up his half of the tag titles and says “this is why we’re better.” With mic skills like that, it is quite easy to understand why WWE never pushed Chavo much… and why TNA shouldn’t be pushing him either.

VIDEO PACKAGE ABOUT HOW MEAN ACES & EIGHTS ARE- Kenny King and Bobby Roode talk about how bad it is that Aces & Eights are attacking everyone. Well maybe you guys should ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND HELP FIGHT THEM!
Roode also says that Aces & Eights “might have full control now” because Jeff Hardy is injured (because Jeff Hardy is the be-all, end-all of everything) and “there’s not much that Hogan can do, Dixie’s hands are tied.” HOW? You can’t just say things like this. You have to explain them! Roode’s whole promo here was just so out of character that it really bothered me.

MATT MORGAN PROMO- okay.

TNA TV TITLE MATCH: Devon(c) vs. Samoa Joe- 4/10
Booking this match tonight was a big mistake. TNA has a month and a half to go until their next PPV. They need to stretch things out. There was no reason to do this tonight when they could have done it next week.
Aces & Eights cheat to help Devon win, then beat him down after the match. No one comes out to help Joe at all, despite the video package we just saw.

JAMES STORM vs. AJ STYLES- 6/10
Way too short, but damn is it good to see AJ back in the ring. After the match, AJ attacks Kaz and Daniels, who had come to the ring to congratulate him. Aces & Eights then attack James Storm while AJ walks away. No one come out to help either Storm or Bad Influence as Aces & Eights attack them, because apparently Tenay was lying all of those times he said that the TNA locker room was “united against the Aces & Eights.” Bully Ray then cuts a promo saying that TNA has “no heroes left,” and the moment he said this, you knew that Sing was going to show up and…
Well I’ll be damned. He actually didn’t show up. Bully then says that next week he wants to call Hogan out and tell him that he is the reason why Aces & Eights beat everyone up. I have no desire to see this segment whatsoever.

Overall, a horrible episode of Impact.

STUPID ANNOUNCER QUOTES:
1. After the beatdown to Magnus, Taz asks Tenay when he is going to realize that Aces & Eights are in charge now, and Tenay responds “we realized it once you gained control and possession of the World Heavyweight Title.”
The title has in no way mattered to the mechanical workings of this feud. It is something that Bully Ray wanted and now has, but it has not been used in any way to exert control of TNA! All Aces & Eights have been doing is attacking people, which is exactly what they were doing before Bully Ray won the title!

2. Tenay says that Tessmacher has six or seven years of experience, which directly contradicts her kayfabe history in TNA.

[Big Bad Booty Daddy]

I really dont know what it was but just really couldnt get into this week IMPACT. Usually ill sit through most of the crap they give us but this week i found myself flicking channels and infact switching off completely to watch something else after about an hour and a half.

First of all wasnt a massive fan of the Angle vs Bischoff/Brisco match. Like you said them losing in a handicap match would make them look chumps, but having 2 other Aces and Eights members come out to help them made it seem like Aces & Eights were confident enough that Bischoff/Brisco were good enough to get the job done by themselves.

The X-Division match i did like. Love that WIlliams is back, and enjoy watching both ION and King. Altho what i didnt like was the finish. King was hardly in the match it was mainly ION/Williams. Williams puts the sharpshooter on ION to which then he gets a kick to the head that completely knocks him out then King pins ION after a submission for the win.

The whole Knockouts division is poor. People are getting title shots that havent been on TV. You have ODB reffing matches. Why not use an actual ref?? And to make things worse Brooke ****** Hogan is in charge of them. Infact im not gonna start on this topic cause it p***** me off so much atm!!!

Magnus vs Devon sucked balls. What i didnt like Was DOC/Knux/Devon attacking Magnus then all of a sudden they almost run off when Joe comes out. Its 3 v 1 man.

Bad INFLUENCE make TNA worth watching. IMO they are awesome and i am desperate and probs most TNA fans are to see them vs Roode/Aries. Would have loved to have seen them in the 2/3 falls instead of Chavo/Hernandez. As most people know im not a massive Chavo fan, i like Hernandez but TNA seem to just tye him down with tag partner after tag partner.

BAd Influence should be tag champs and have more of a say in the title picture then what they seem to have. I think by having Chavo/Hernadez as champs TNA think they are giving the fans what we want when infact they couldnt be anymore wrong


Id swithced off after this point so couldnt comment on the rest