BRM Watches more Total Divas (ep. 6)

[Big Red Machine]

JoJo apparently thinks Justin Gabriel is hot, so she and Eva Marie ask Chris Jericho if he is single. Eva Marie is worried that JoJo is on the rebound and thus Justin might take advantage of her. However, this does not stop Eva Marie from suggesting that JoJo check out Justin’s package in his wrestling tights. They decide to invite him to their house-warming party. Eva Marie tells JoJo watch Justin’s “finishing move.” Not his “finisher” or his “finish” like most wrestlers say, but his “finishing move.” Then Michael Hayes randomly sneaks up behind them and scares them.

The Bellas and Funkadactyls are in a ring at the new performance center down in Florida and Nikki is demonstrating some moves to Naomi. In a vast improvement over the last segment, she is actually saying things that sound like things a wrestler would say, using real jargon, etc. Unfortunately, all credibility that his scene has is totally shot when you take a step back realize NIKKI BELLA is trying to teach someone how to wrestle!
Nattie shows up and starts talking about being stressed from planning her wedding, so Nikki says that they will all help her blow off some steam by planning her bachelorette party. Nattie then confesses that when she went back to Calgary, she ran into her old friend Jaret (who apparently helped train her), and they had dinner together. She claims that Jaret looks like TJ which is not even close to true. Apparently after Nattie invited him to the wedding, Jaret told her that he has feelings for her and he doesn’t want her to marry TJ..AWKWARD.

Nikki offers to show her new move, which consists of draping the opponent over the second rope, then very briefly sitting on her neck, then rolling backwards down her back, then doing a handstand, flipping up to her feet, and pulling the opponent so that they crash down into the mat. You would think we would have seen this “new move” on TV at some point, but we haven’t because it looks lame.

Eva Marie and JoJo are preparing for their house-warming party. Part of these preparations consist of putting on a brush-on fake tan. Eva Marie asks JoJo “do you think Justin is going to kiss you tonight?”
Then people start showing up, and conveniently, the only people they have invited to the house-warming party are their Total Divas cast-mates, the cast-mates boyfriends' [Cena and Dragon don’t appear to have come, though], and Justin Gabriel (who JoJo has a crush on). Because I guess they don’t have any other friends or anything. And because in an industry as political as wrestling, they certainly wouldn’t want to invite the whole roster to a party you are having on national TV).
Brie Bella decides to be a b*tch and complain about their crappy wine selection. Nikki tells us that Brie used to be a heavy drinker before she met Daniel Bryan, and she tries to encourage Brie to once again be a heavy drinker because Dragon isn’t here right now.
During the party, Nikki and Nattie talk about this “Jaret” guy. He apparently texted Nattie and told her that he wants to help her get in shape for the wedding… to the guy he doesn’t want her to marry.
They put on music that sounds like the bland background music they use for random traveling/fan-interaction/WWE in-ring shot montages on Total Divas and Nattie starts to shake her ass in TJ’s face… then realizes that a room filled with their friends/coworkers that is being filmed for national TV might not be the best place to give her fiancé a lapdance.

The Divas are talking and Nattie points out that Justin Gabriel (31) is a little old for the 19 year-old JoJo. Cameron thinks that it is fine. She says that she was dating a 25 year-old when she was 17 and 41 year-old when she was 20. WHAT THE F*CK?!

Justin Gabriel and JoJo go out on a balcony to make out, and two things hit me about this scene:
1) This is supposed to be “unscripted” and “reality TV” yet they have a camera that is pointed directly at that balcony FROM OUTSIDE THE BUILDING.
2) While maybe I should be feeling happy for JoJo because the guy she likes is apparently into her, the fact that he is 31 and she is 19 just makes the whole thing feel too creepy for comfort. To put it in perspective: when Justin was born, Apartheid was alive and well in his home country of South Africa. Just two months after JoJo was born, South Africa had its first black president.

Justin and JoJo go on a date. Justin notes that JoJo is too young to legally drink wine… but he orders some for himself anyway, because he is a dick. JoJo starts talking about her rabbit, and then shows Justin a picture of it. And no, rabbit is not a euphemism. She apparently has a pet bunny rabbit. Justin, like me and I assume many others watching this show, appears to be bored out of his skull listening to JoJo talk about what she feeds her pet rabbit. JoJo, however, tells us in an aside that she thinks this is a great conversation.

Cena and Nikki go to get Nattie a handbag as a bachelorette party gift. While there, Nikki tells Cena that in her life, Nattie has only slept with, made out with, and “touched tongues” with TJ (Nattie had revealed this to her earlier). Nikki observes that this is “crazy.” Cena’s response is “okay…”
After once again telling us how crazy she thinks that is, Nikki asks Cena “what do you think about that?” and Cena says that that means she is happy. I have recorded Nikki’s next line word-for-word, so there can be no accusation that I am misconstruing her words.
Nikki: No. I think… trust me. I think it’s a very beautiful thing. I think it’s amazing that you could be with one guy your whole life and even just kiss one guy. Like, my family would do backflips I was like that.”

That’s right, everyone! Nikki Bella just told her boyfriend that used be a giant slut. And Cena is cool with it. Nikki realizes what she has said and tries to take it back, but Cena says it doesn’t bother him at all.

Cameron is talking to her boyfriend about heading to Vegas for Nattie’s bachelorette party. Her boyfriend basically invited himself along, despite her protestations that this is a WWE people-only party. He then says that she doesn’t make time for him and they have a small fight about it. She also says she deserves some relaxation because she has been “working like a dog” recently. As she is saying this, her dog is just lounging around on the bed, doing nothing at all. That made me laugh.

So they all go to Vegas for Nattie’s bachelorette party and for the guys to do some unspecified “celebrating” with TJ. When I say “they” I mean the Total Divas, their boyfriends (minus Cena), Justin Gabriel, Jey Uso (remember that Jimmy Uso is Naomi’s fiancé)… and, for some reason… Curt Hawkins?
The graphic on the screen called him a “WWE Superstar.” Well, I guess you learn something new every day, because I didn’t even realized he was still employed. The reason for this is likely because the five seconds of screen time he got here is more screen time than he has gotten on WWE TV in the past year.
The girls encourage Brie to go into “Brie mode” and drink heavily, so she consents to do so on Friday night, when the guys and girls will be doing things separately (and thus Dragon won’t have to deal with her drinking). Nikki then gave a toast to “boners and *****” I have no idea what ***** was because it was bleeped out.

They all go to hang out at the pool and they apparently thought that they needed an aside with Nikki Bella to tell us how hot the divas looked. Nattie tells Nikki that she has been texting Jaret and apparently their conversation consisted of:
Jaret: Are you having fun?
Nattie: Yeah.
Jaret: Are you getting lapdances?

Anyway, Nattie thinks it is a good idea to flirt with this guy who recently responded to an invitation to her wedding by revealing his own feelings of true love for her. Nikki tells Nattie that she doesn’t realize how flirty she is being, and interprets a smiley face emoticon this guy sent as meaning "bring your A-game, Nattie. I want to see your pink, and I don’t mean your gear."

Eva Marie and JoJo see Justin talking to another girl. *GASP!* A conversation with a member of the opposite sex! They’ve been on ONE F*CKING DATE. JoJo is convinced that Justin loves her, though.

So the girls to go Chippendales for the bachelorette party, and Nattie, who had earlier expressed concern about having naked dudes at her bachelorette party because “what if TJ finds out?”… has consented to have said bachelorette party with naked dudes TAPED FOR A REALITY TELEVISION SHOW ON WHICH TJ ALSO FREQUENTLY APPEARS!

So we get footage of them at Chippendales and Nikki feels the need to tell us “I don’t know what it is, but seeing men doing dancing routines is, like, amazing to me.”
You “don’t know what it is” that you like about it so much? Here’s a hint: THEY’RE STRIPPERS STRIPPING! That’s what you like about it! Don’t try to pretend it’s something more than what it is. And why are you trying to defend it? No one will judge you for having strippers at a bachelorette party. It’s just accepted as something that you do.

Apparently going to Vegas sucks when you’re too young to drink, so JoJo is sad. Eva Marie apparently doesn’t drink for “personal reasons” so she volunteers to go take a walk with JoJo. On this walk, they see Justin Gabriel get in a cab with a random girl and they get pissed off. JoJo gets sad and Eva Marie is a good friend and consoles her.

The other divas go to a club where they appear to be the only ones dancing. Brie is drinking a lot, but when they start dancing on these little tables, Nikki is the one who falls off. Nattie tells Brie that she can’t get Jaret out of her mind and wants to keep texting him. She then says that she doesn’t think she is ready to marry TJ yet.
THEY’VE BEEN DATING FOR TWELVE YEARS! If she isn’t ready to marry him now, will she ever be?
Despite being drunk off her ass, Brie manages to talk Nattie through it.
Brie is finally ready to go back to her and Dragon’s room at 4:20 AM and wants to avoid waking Dragon up… be she apparently forgot the room key so she has to knock on the door and wake him up anyway to get in. Dragon is trying to go back to sleep but Brie is trying to show him the things she bought at Chippendales… including a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. She tries to put the handcuffs on Dragon, who tells in a hilariously semi-awake voice to “get those f*cking handcuffs off my wrist, or I might just scream.”

The next morning Brie doesn’t want to get up because she has a headache. When Dragon asks her why, she confesses her night of copious drinking to him. Dragon’s response was “did you think I didn’t know that? You tried to put fuzzy handcuffs on my wrists. When you’re in Brie mode you’re not discreet.” Brie starts to apologize, but Dragon basically says “it’s Nattie’s bachelorette party and we’re in Vegas. You’re entitled to get plastered.” This shocked me because we actually had someone on a reality show acting reasonably!

The next night they all go out to dinner and JoJo confronts Justin about the mixed messages he is sending her. Justin tells her that the age gap is too big a deal for him.

Bellas are both in Nikki’s room. Brie is sitting on one of the beds, reading, then notices that Nikki left her vibrator on the bed, right next to her. Nikki has apparently named said vibrator “the purple people-eater.”

Apparently Cameron’s boyfriend has now actually decided to come, and just got to Cameron’s room… and he is just so immaturely hyper about everything. He comes off like a hyper, ADD eleven year-old in a grown man’s body.

They all go out to a nice restaurant for the last day’s dinner. Brie gives a beautiful toast to Nattie and TJ’s relationship. Nikki then gives a toast “to orgasms and boners.” She said this IN PUBLIC, at a fancy restaurant, while completely sober.
Okay… well… apparently my criticism on Nikki’s immaturity was a bit premature because they got a cake shaped like a man’s torso and legs, wearing a speedo, with a fake cock inside… and the first thing Nattie does is put her mouth on the fake cock to pose for a picture. They take the fake cock out of the speedo and Cameron starts to play with it, but her boyfriend gets very annoyed and wants her to put it down, telling her “you don’t need to play with the weiner.”
Well… there’s a whole bunch of sentences I didn’t think I would ever have to type.

Cameron’s boyfriend continues to make an ass out of himself (and Cameron acknowledges this in an aside). Then they go to a club and Vincent (Cameron’s boyfriend) gets totally hammered. Nattie, apparently, thinks that he is acting strange, but cannot tell that he is drunk. Just based on the one conversation we saw him have with her and TJ, she would have to be a completely idiot to not notice that he is drunk. Cameron finally takes this drunk doofus back to their hotel room so that he doesn’t embarrass her any more than he already has.

[Earth Child]

They're doing this show during the PG era?

[Big Red Machine]

They're doing this show during the PG era?

Yeah. I was quite surprised, too.

[Rabid619]

Someone actually watches this s**t? Lol

[Big Red Machine]

Someone actually watches this s**t? Lol

It's not like it's totally unwatchable drivel.

[Rabid619]

It's a reality show that's just unnecessary crap. An Uso being engaged or dating one of the Divas doesn't have to do with anything wrestling. It's garbage and BRM i'm surprised you actually watch it. You always seem like the kind of guy who watches wrestling but would be put off from this s**t. You've gone soft man....

[Big Red Machine]

It's a reality show that's just unnecessary crap. An Uso being engaged or dating one of the Divas doesn't have to do with anything wrestling. It's garbage and BRM i'm surprised you actually watch it. You always seem like the kind of guy who watches wrestling but would be put off from this s**t. You've gone soft man....

A little bit. There is a reason that I don't watch all of it. In some ways, I watch it to poke fun at it. Also, Dragon and especially Jey Uso are usually pretty hilarious whenever they show up, so there's that.

[Rabid619]

It's still s**t and BRM is a big softy now. Wow the times have changed....

[XIV]

Is this actually a thing?

Trying to capitalize on them bullshit "housewives of......" shows clearly.

If it was unscripted it would probably be a watchable program. This sounds gash.

[Serujuunin]

*Seru is sad that Justin is an ass*

[Big Red Machine]

*Seru is sad that Justin is an ass*

Don't worry. It's pretty much all a work.

[Serujuunin]

*Seru is sad that Justin is an ass*

Don't worry. It's pretty much all a work.

But... It's a reality show...

I think television producers need to have a look at their lexicon and realize what "reality" means.

[Big Red Machine]

*Seru is sad that Justin is an ass*

Don't worry. It's pretty much all a work.

But... It's a reality show...

I think television producers need to have a look at their lexicon and realize what "reality" means.

Agreed