BRM Reviews... WRESTLICIOUS!

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews... WRESTLICIOUS!

Post by Big Red Machine » Dec 9th, '13, 18:03

The year is 2008. A man named Jonathan Vargas (JV Rich in the show) wins $35.3 million dollars in the lottery. He decides to start his own women’s wrestling promotion. He contacts former GLOW producer Johnny Carafella and legendary manager Jimmy Hart. He signs a lot of the most well-known talent on the independent scene. They go Tampa, Florida and tape some shows, then shop them around to various networks. They created… Wrestlicious.

EPISODE 1:
We start off in what a graphic tells us is the kitchen of a man named JV Rich. In the kitchen, there are four bikini-clad women, one large, imposing male police officer, and Jimmy Hart, wearing an apron. Someone from off-screen (presumably JV Rich) asks “Jimmy, what are you doing in my kitchen?” Jimmy replies “well…someone’s got to clean the dishes.” A laugh track straight out of a 1980s sitcom laughs uproariously at this. Jimmy complains that he might be asked to clean the pool next.
He is then asked to clean the pool. The laugh track once again laughs uproariously. Jimmy Hart gets angry, takes off his apron and puts it on one of the bikini-clad women, declares that he has better things to do, and walks off angrily. One of the bikini-clad women then volunteers to clean the pool and rushes off, and the cop chases after her.
We then get the Wrestlicious theme song, which includes female wrestlers with gimmicks straight out of the most cartoonish days of professional wrestling each singing rhyming couplets explaining their gimmick and all ending in “and I’m Wrestlicious.” It is so corny that it is impossible not to laugh. It is so corny that it is impossible not to want to watch more. Welcome to Wrestlicious.

After the theme song we see a ring in front of a small audience (just one section of bleachers) with some sexy referees dancing in the ring. The announcer promises us “more action, more variety, and less clothing” than any other wrestling promotion.
One of our sponsors, of course, is the Horny Goat Brewing Company whose slogan is “Taaaaaap that.”

A BACKSTAGE SKIT- The producer walks into the locker room to try to tell some wrestlers that the show is starting, but they all ignore him and walk away. He is then bumped into by Kandy Kisses (Lizzy Valentine), who has a pop-star gimmick. She says that she didn’t see him because she was “rockin’ out” to her latest hit. She offers the producer a listen. He tells her he thinks she’ll sell millions. “Records?” she asks? “No.” He responds. “Earplugs.”

We then get a plug for our main event, which we are promised will be “hot three-on-three action” pitting Cousin Cassie, Tyler Texas, and the Southern Belle against Maria Toro, Felony, and Bandita.

The producer from the earlier skit is also apparently our ring announcer. He asks us to welcome Kandy Kisses and her back-up dancers, the Gum Drops. They get in the ring and start dancing like something straight out of an 80’s music video, to Kandy’s hit song.
SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING:
If you watch this, I recommend that you lie down while doing so, because even if you are sitting, you will fall to the ground in laughter. Here are the lyrics.

“You dropkicked me right from the start.
And when you slammed me, it broke my heart
You know I should have played it smart.
I should have powerbombed you from the start.”

We see the audience bopping along, enjoying the song. While seeing this, I noticed that the audience seems to be full of many impressionable young girls, which seems extremely at odds with the way that sexuality has been hyped up for this show.

After the first verse, it becomes clear that she is lip-synching and that the dancers are screwing up. Kandy even bumps into one of them when they try to execute some relatively simply choreography. The announcer completely kills the joke by pointing these things out. Then, even though the metaphorical joke-horse is already dead, the announcer keeps on beating it by saying “this is shades of Milli Vanilli and Ashlee Simpson!” Those two references let us know that they are trying to cater to multiple age demographics, so at least that’s good.
The same audience members who were bopping along before now start booing, and the announcer tells us “she’s really powerbomed tonight.” It is SOOOO corny that I cannot help but laugh.

We then get a plug for an upcoming match on a later show, a battle royale that will go from twenty women down to two, and they announce the first three competitors: Lacey Von Erich, Sierra Sheraton (Erica D’Erico), and Brooke Lynn (Becky Bayless/Cookie), who is announced as being “from the Jersey Shore” (this actually pre-dates the MTV series by over a year). If her name is Brooke Lynn, then shouldn’t she be from New York?
We then get the Takedown Spotlight segment, which is supposed to get to help us know the wrestlers better. The first one features Autumn Frost (Jennifer Blake), who is billed as a “Stone Cold Stunner.” Of course, with her name being Autumn Frost, they then show us a bunch of shots of her posing on a nice warm beach in a bikini.

We finally now get our first match:
TONI “THE TOP” ALLEGRO (Nikki) vs. MAUI- squash
Toni’s gimmick is that she is the daughter of a mob kingpin. Maui’s gimmick is that she is a Hawaiian island girl. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t a wrestler before this show. Her personal website says that she “has a diverse background in computer science, web development, sales & marketing, modeling, industrial control & data acquisition, spokesmodeling, acting, and professional wrestling.“ I do not believe anything was ever heard from her again in the wrestling business after this.
The announcer tells us that she is part of the “island welcoming committee. She’ll meet you at the airport and give you a lei right there.” Unfortunately, not everything out of the announcer’s mouth was this clever. His next sentence was “her hips are swaying like palm trees in the ocean breeze.” At least that one is thematic. When she started dancing with the referee (Bryce Remsburg… did you expect anyone else?), the announcer said “That’s no Hula. He’s a fool-ah.” Yes. This show can be painful at times.
They lock up and Toni pushes Maui into the corner and starts to choke her, and we see the crowd, who seem to be perfectly ethnically diverse and almost all wearing Wrestlicious t-shirts, booing vociferously and giving some disapproving thumbs down. Toni then gives Maui an Irish whip, a kick to the gut, and a Michinoku Driver (cleverly titled “Sleeps with the Fishes”) and that’s the end of our first match. The crowd boos again.

BACKSTAGE SKIT WITH COUSIN CASSIE VISITING THE DOCTOR:
Cassie: Doctor, do you do eye exams?
Doctor: Of course. Why do you ask?
Cassie: I’m afraid I might need glasses.
Doctor: Glasses? I don’t believe in them.
Cassie: You don’t?
Doctor: No. I drink straight out of the bottle.
CUE UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER!

We then got another skit entitled Bandita’s Cantina
Patron: Waitress! Do you have a roach problem?
Bandita: Nope. The rats ate ‘em all.

We then got another plug for this upcoming 20 woman battle royale. This plug told us that the reason it would go down to two women instead of just one was because it would determine who would first to become the first ever Wrestlicious Champion! The three new entrants were Felony (Rain/Peyton Banks), Cousin Cassie (a model, not a real wrestler), and Bandita (also just a model, not a real wrestler). We also learned that they each wanted to name the match something different: Felony wanted to call it “Hard Justice,” Cousin Cassie wanted to call it a “Hoedown Throwdown,” and Bandita wanted to call it “Viente Chica Eliminacion” (I guess she’s not very creative)… and YOU, THE VIEWER could vote on which one you wanted to see by going to http://www.Wrestlcious.com. How cool is that?! It’s like Cyber Sunday, except that the thing you are voting on doesn’t actually matter in any way!

COUSIN CASSIE, TYLER TEXAS (Lorelei Lee), & CHARLOTTE THE SOUTHERN BELLE (Amber O’Neal) vs. BANDITA, MARIA TORO (Mercedes Martinez), & FELONY (Rain/Peyton Banks) (w/Officer Bubba)- 4/10
Cousin Cassie’s gimmick is a country girl, Tyler Texas is a “rowdy cowgirl” who comes to the ring with a pink guitar, and Charlotte the Southern Belle is pretty self-explanatory. In fact, it was so self-explanatory that they decided to give her a name at some point in the last ten minutes, because when they were hyping this match up, she was just “the Southern Belle.” On the heel side, Maria Toro is a bull-fighter, Bandita is a “spicy Latina” restaurant chef, and Felony is a prisoner who is apparently let out of jail to go wrestle (Nick Gage wishes he had it this good). Officer Bubba is the correctional officer assigned to make sure that she doesn’t run away during her matches (and yes, they are the people from that opening sketch, which now becomes funny in hindsight).
The babyfaces have what the announcer calls a “down-home strategy” session, and determine that Cousin Cassie should start the match for them. The announcer tells us that “she can wrestle till the cows come home.” Sorry everyone, but if you do so choose to watch this program, it is my job to prepare you for what you are in for.
Bandita starts for the heels, and for two non-wrestlers starting things off, they actually do a passable job (they did seem to get a bit worse as they went along, though). They shine Cassie, then Bandita takes over. At one point Bandita gives Cassie a double leg drop to the stomach, and the announcer says “if Bandita’s cooking doesn’t ruin your stomach, I’m sure that will.”
They both wind up making tags so Tyler Texas and Felony are now in... and low and behold the pros actually look like pros in there. The match was a very formulaic shine-heat-comeback-hot tag-finish, and was competently worked, but nothing too good.
The crowd, though… WOW! It is so painfully obvious that the entire crowd is being coached… but that just adds to the indescribably campy atmosphere of the show, and helps the overall product.

Anyone who has read my reviews before is familiar with my usual “Stupid Announcer Quotes” section. For some promotions, like PWG and CHIKARA, it is often replaced with an “Awesome Announcer Quotes” section. For Wrestlicious, something new was called for:

CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
[Maui] is “part of the island welcoming committee. She’ll meet you at the airport and give you a lei right there.”
Runner up:
“Maria Toro is pleading her case to the referee. She’s an expert when it comes to bull.”

PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
“Felony must really love prison. She keeps going back!”

The announcer also has a habit of referring to the women by their gimmicks rather than their names, leading to some hilariously odd-sounding quotes, which will be our third announcer “award” for all Wrestlicious Takedown Episodes.
THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
At one point during this match, when the heels were putting the boots to Tyler Texas in the corner, the announcer said “they’re mugging the cowgirl!”

OVERALL THOUGHTS:
I won’t shy away from the fact that the women on this show are definitely over-sexualized (at one point during a double-down the announcer says “Whoa! Look at them writhing on the mat”), and if you wanted to make the argument that professional wrestling objectifies women, this would be a fantastic place to start gathering your evidence… but in some ways the over-sexualization of things on this show also adds to this odd atmosphere that the show has. (And the men aren’t treated much better. Aside from the referee, they all come across as dweebs, morons, or, in the announcer’s case, perverts… but that plays into the over-sexualization of the women in a way that really just adds to the atmosphere).

Wrestlicious takes many of the negative perceptions of professional wrestling, both from mainstream society (that it is corny, that it objectifies women and over-promotes sexuality, that the announcers are idiots and that the show is so simple that only a simpleton could watch it) and from wrestling fans themselves (horrifically lame announcing, an emphasis on dumb comedy skits, goofy cartoonish gimmicks, using models instead of female wrestlers), throws in a horrible laugh track and clearly coached audience… and somehow gets something out of it that you just can’t turn away from.
It’s not really a total car wreck. I do remember there being a few good matches over the run of the series (though my opinions have changed a lot since 2010… but they certainly have the talent for it- Serena Deeb, Lacey, Rain, Daizee Haze, Mercedes Martinez, the Canadian Ninjas, Jennifer Blake, Lexi Fyfe) so I don’t want to call it complete crap… but the show manages to take many of wrestling’s problems and mix in campiness and some actual wrestling talent, and come up with something with a major element “so bad it’s good”… without actually being so bad. In many ways, the perfect description for Wrestlicious is “the best sh*t I have ever seen.”
This was just episode one of Wrestlicious Takedown, but I will be reviewing all of the episodes of the show (in this thread) until I have seen them all because you really can’t help but fall in love with Wrestlicious.


Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
WWE in 2005
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
TNA Victory Road 2008
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
ECW Guilty As Charged 1999

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Big Red Machine
Posts: 18873
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 15:12
Favorite Wrestler: Kane

Re: BRM Reviews... WRESTLICIOUS!

Post by Big Red Machine » Jan 30th, '14, 11:40

EPISODE 2:
Jimmy Hart is waiting around to meet his new co-host. He is worried it might be some ditzy bimbo. It turns out it is Leyla Milani. Yes. The one from the 2005 Diva Search. That Leyla Milani. He sees her and exclaims “you’re not a dopey bimbo or a stick in the mud at all!” Leyla responds “if that’s a pick-up line, I’ve heard better.” CUE LAUGH TRACK!
Then Jimmy Hart, who has spent his whole adult life as a wrestling superstar, is so nervous around a beautiful woman that he says “you’re Jimmy Hart and I’m Leyla Milani.” CUE LAUGH TRACK AGAIN!
Layla says she is so excited to be working on Wrestlicious because of all of the “fantastic female athletes.” Jimmy puts his arm around her shoulder and makes some corny reference to Deal or No Deal, so Leyla says “I think I liked you better when you were nervous!” and elbows Jimmy in the chest (complete with punching sound effect). Jimmy sells this attack to the chest by clutching his balls.

The show starts out with an appearance by the Wrestlicious trainer, Bootcamp Bailey (a model), who gets booed harshly. She asks for three “recruits” from the stands. She pulls two from the crowd, then grabs a Wrestlicious production team member named “Tracy the Floor Director” and marches them off.
The main event is described as something that will be “hot girl-on-girl action.” Then we get a way-too-long recap of last week’s main event, including the pathetically objectifying commentary. They then announced the next three entrants into the big battle royale to determine who will be the top contenders for the as-yet uncrowned Wrestlicious Title: Charlotte the Southern Belle (Amber O’Neil), the Naughty Girl (Portia Perez in a sexy schoolgirl outfit), and Felony (Rain- who I’m pretty sure was already announced last week).

A “COUNTRY QUICKY” WITH TYLER TEXAS AND COUSIN CASSIE- painful
They stand in front of a green screen showing us a farm. They use the phrase “down home” in every sentence (which, to be fair, is only two, but it still felt like overkill) before telling jokes along the lines of “you just might be a down-home ‘rassler if your furniture is made out of old turnbuckles.”

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A MALE WRESTLER?- bad
This was (obviously) a parody of Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?. It was hosted by Jimmy Hart and the contestants were Glory (Christie Ricci) and Brian Knobbs. You’d normally see me complain about the blatant misandry in this segment, but considering just how much this show objectifies women, I’ll give it a pass. I will complain that making BRIAN KNOBBS the male competitor is pretty much stacking the deck, though.
There is only one question asked, and it turns out that Knobbs doesn’t know what year the Declaration of Independence was signed in. Apparently this passes for comedy.

We now got a video package recapping that segment five minutes ago with Bootcamp Bailey picking recruits, which turned out to be a lead-in to a segment called “The Young and the Wrestlers” which I thought was a clever play on words, so I’ll give them points for that. They do a bit of reality show parody with the three recruits loving how sweet the house they will be staying in for their training is. They are about to raid the bar, but Bootcamp Bailey yells at them.

TAKEDOWN SPOTLIGHT: LACEY VON ERICH- It’s Lacey Von Erich on a beach. She is hot. This is not new information.

TONI THE TOP TAKES AUTUMN FROST (Jennifer Blake) TO SEE J.V. RICH- J.V. calls her ugly. I get that she’s a heel, but you just did a video segment last week showing us how hot she is! Now she is here in a bikini and this guy calls her ugly? All this does is make me think there is something wrong with J.V.

YOU’VE GOT MALE- made me laugh.
In this segment, the Wrestlicious Webmistress, Paige Webb (Serena Deeb), reads e-mail that she has gotten from male fans. It leads to an obscene joke which Paige naively does not see coming, and as a result, she views pictures attached to the e-mails, then is completely disgusted by what she sees. We don’t see the pictures; only her reaction to them, but they make it pretty obvious what the picture is, and all of her reactions here were awesome. She button-mashes the delete key, and when that doesn’t seem to work, she takes her glasses off so that she won’t be able to see the picture.

AUTUMN FROST (Jennifer Blake) vs. PAIGE WEBB (Serena Deeb)- 5.75/10
Autumn Frost’s home town is, of course, Anchorage, Alaska. The announcer tells us that Paige Webb “wants to prove that a techie can be sexy.” (Side note: holy sh*t does she succeed. Side note to my side note: not just for me apparently, because when she takes her jacket off, the announcer has no qualms about telling us "she turns my floppy disk into a hard drive." This man has no shame).

Autumn jumps Paige while her back is turned to start the match, causing the announcer to proclaim “she’s giving it to her from behind!”
The announcer refers to Paige Webb as “the Software Sweetheart.” That has got to be one of the most horrible nicknames I have ever heard. “Software Siren” wasn’t any better, but I think the absolute bottom of the barrel had to be “the Computer Cutie.”

The match was basic, but it was good. Very old school and slow-paced. A perfect example of how all you need to put on a good match is a good story, simple psychology, and some in-ring talent.


CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
“The techie is in danger of crashing! Her opponent (Autumn Frost) has already made her freeze.”

Runner up:
“Frost is using that full nelson to give Paige the cold shoulder”


PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
“The Alaskan loves to go to the supermarket and hang out in the frozen food aisle… because it feels like home.”


THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
When Frost did a regular stomp, the announcer called it as a “Snowboot to the gut!” I was rolling with laughter.


PREVIEW FOR NEXT WEEK’S SHOW- the puns are so corny that I am going to watch it right now!

Episode 3:

We start off with the standard unfunny comedy from Jimmy Hart and Leyla Milani. Next we get a recap of last week’s match, followed by three more participants for the battle royale: Glory (Christie Ricci), Autumn Frost (Jennifer Blake), and Tyler Texas (Lorelei Lee).
Then we got Leyla Milani lounging in a beach chair reading a book. She briefly stops to tell us that “Wrestling and romance have a lot in common. Love is like a bodyslam: You get swept off your feet and turned upside down, and there is nothing you can do but fall right back down to Earth.” I thought this was a nice little bit of poetry, but for some reason they decided to cue the laugh track.

TAKEDOWN SPOTLIGHT: COUSIN CASSIE- same as always: chick posing on a beach in a bikini… but this time there is stereotypical country music playing in the background, and when these two elements combine, it is laughter-inducing.

AMBER LIVELY (Madison Rayne) GOES TO SEE THE DOCTOR-
Apparently her regular doctor isn’t there. She asks the fill-in where he is.
Fill-in Dr.: Dr. Flood took a sick day.
Amber: A sick day? Why?
Fill-in: He’s home in bed with flow.
Amber: You mean flu. You don’t know the terminology.
Fill-in: I mean flow. You don’t know Dr. Flood.

I will admit that I laughed at this. Madison did a great job of playing the straight woman here. She could actually have career in comedy if she wanted. Also, does anyone else think Dr. Flood sounds like the name of a super-villain?

WHITE MAGIC (Lacey) & DRACULETTA (Daffney) vs. LACEY VON ERICH & AMBER LIVELY (Madison Rayne)- 5.75/10
White Magic is a voodoo priestess. Amber Lively is a cheerleader. Lacey Von Erich is herself. If you can’t figure out what gimmick Draculetta is, then you are stupid.
They actually had White Magic raise Draculetta from a coffin at ringside. While this was happening, the announcer said “if you thought White Magic was enough to wake the dead… well you’re right” (and if you've ever heard heel Lacey berating fans at ringside, you know the truth of this).
Amber Lively and White Magic start for their teams, at which point the announcer tells us that it is “the cheerleader vs. the fear-leader.” Fortunately, his follow-up of “Lively vs. deadly” was much better (then again, it’s hard to get much worse).

White Magic used a voodoo doll to work over Lacey despite being on the apron. Is that really legal? (the answer, as it turns out, is no, because when she was using it to work over Amber Lively later on, Bryce saw it and took it away from her). Both Lacey and Amber got to be babyfaces in peril and got to receive hot tags for a comeback. The babyfaces are about to go over with the Claw but White Magic hits Lacey in the back with her voodoo staff for the DQ.

This was a good match with simple psychology and a good ten minutes to let them go out there and do their thing, but what puts this over last week’s match for me is the way that they all played their characters. When Draculetta had submission holds in, she would try to bite her opponent’s limbs. White Magic made these crazy flailing motions. Draculetta hung upside down from the top rope, and Amber Lively was constantly doing things that would make you shout “YES! That’s EXACTLY what a cheerleader would do in this situation!”

JV’S CRIB SEGMENT- a bunch of women doing various things. One (Serena Deeb, I think) was sitting on the bed in her underwear and glasses reading Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary. That made me laugh. Bootcamp Bailey (wearing a bikini) was having some other girl (also in a bikini) lie down in the doorway and do sit-ups while a police officer marched another bikini-clad woman into the room. I presume this was Felony because the cop was there and her hands looked like they might have been handcuffed together, but I couldn’t really see because she was always far away from the camera. Was it really that hard for them to find a vertically striped black and white bikini for the girl with the inmate gimmick to wear?
The woman who is probably Felony stomped on the chest of the girl doing sit-ups, so I’m guessing she’s a heel.
Jimmy Hart shows up to make the bed while JV Rich walks in with a bikini-clad Cousin Cassie. It seemed for all the world like he was taking advantage of what, if they had tried to describe it, they would have called “down-home country naivety” and impressing her with his big house. But with all of this crap going on in one room, it seems to me like the house is pretty small. Is he not rich enough to afford a gym for Bootcamp Bailey to make her trainees exercise in?
JV sees Jimmy Hart and asks him what he is doing here. Jimmy replies “well somebody’s gotta make the bed!” Cue laugh track! Jimmy then says “I don’t need this! I’m a hall of fame-er!” but continues to do it anyway. For those keeping track, this is the exact same joke they used in the opening sketch of the series... which was just two episodes ago.
CUE UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER!


CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
(About Draculetta and White Magic)- “They’re partners, for better or hearse.”

Runner up:
While hyping up the main event, the announcer said that the babyfaces were “putting their necks on the line” by facing Draculetta and White Magic.


PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
(As Draculetta is emerging from her coffin)- “That’s not a jack-in-the-box. That’s a Drac-in-the-box.”
This one definitely falls into “so bad it’s good” territory.

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
“The spellmaker and the bloodsucker continue to haunt the crowd!” (This is the sort of thing I expect to hear in the upcoming WWE-Scooby Doo crossover).
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
WWE in 2005
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
TNA Victory Road 2008
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
ECW Guilty As Charged 1999

User avatar
Big Red Machine
Posts: 18873
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 15:12
Favorite Wrestler: Kane

Re: BRM Reviews... WRESTLICIOUS!

Post by Big Red Machine » Mar 29th, '14, 23:29

EPISODE 4:
Jimmy & Leyla’s opening bit was actually kind of funny this week, especially if viewed as a meta-joke about how horrible all of Jimmy’s punchlines have been over the course of the series.


THE DEBUT OF SHA NA NA-
Believe it or not, based on my memories from watching this when it first aired, this was the segment I was looking forward to the most, because of how addictively fun it was at the time. Now, almost four years later, I love it even more!
I do not know who this woman is. I can find no info on her at all, so I will assume that she is a model, not an indy worker. She has a 50’s gimmick, and she plays it to complete and total PERFECTION! Sha Na Na and her two friends (the Bebops) drive up in an old 50’s car, with 50’s hairstyles and poodle skirts and HUGE smiles on their faces like they are just having the best darn time of their lives. While this is happening, the announcer gives us their back-story. That’s right: a back-story. With all of the ridiculous sh*t on this show, the booker apparently thought it was imperative to explain how someone with a 50’s gimmick could exist in the modern world (they were adopted and raised by an ultra-conservative old couple and were only allowed to watch reruns of 50’s TV and classic wrestling- I LOVE IT!). The clearly-coached crowd all start chanting “Sha Na Na! Sha Na Na!” and I defy anyone to watch this show and not join in with them. You won’t even realize that you have started doing it, but you inevitably will. Trust me. There is no stopping it. Resistance is futile.
They get interviewed by an interviewer and they talk about how “swell” and “peachy keen” it is to be on Wrestlicious, and Sha Na Na says that she hopes she can be as “nifty” as the wrestling stars she sees on TV like Gorgeous George, Argentina Rocca, and Bobo Brazil.
The interviewer offers to take them out for burgers and fries at the local malt shop. Sha Na Na informs him that that would be “the cat’s pajamas” and then makes a desperate plea to be on the Adventures of Ozzy and Harriet before all three girls start jumping up and down and happily waving goodbye.
BEST. SEGMENT. EVER.

JV’S CRIB- a follow up to the segment from two episodes ago when Toni the Top brought Autumn Frost to meet J.V. This one was just as stupid.

THE NEXT THREE ENTRANTS FOR THE UPCOMING BIG BATTLE ROYALE ARE ANNOUNCED- Maui, Kickstart Katie (Neveah), and Toni the Top (Nikki)

LEYLA MILANI READS MORE POETRY ABOUT HOW WRESTLING IS LIKE ROMANCE- short and not bad. No laugh track this time.

THE YOUNG AND THE WRESTLERS-
Bootcamp Bailey introduces the recruits to their trainers: Felony, Autumn Frost, and someone I don’t recognize (I think it is Bandita, but I’m not sure). She directs one of them to get in the ring with Autumn Frost, and Autumn beats the rookie up.
We then get a scene from later that day where Bootcamp Bailey orders them to clean a hot tub with toothbrushes.

TAKEDOWN SPOTLIGHT: TYLER TEXAS- she is on a beach, taking sexy pictures while wearing a bikini… but because she is a cowgirl, she wore a jean half-vest over her bikini top.

BACKSTAGE SEGMENT- Producer Johnny C. walks into the locker room and announces that the arena is packed and encourages the wrestlers sitting in the locker room to go put on a great show. The girls all get up and leave, blowing him off. Kandi Kisses was sitting there with her headphones on, rocking out (presumably to her own hit single). She didn’t even turn around to acknowledge his presence. She just got up when she saw the others two doing so, rocking out the whole time. That made me laugh.
Johnny C. then bumped into Sierra Sheraton (Donna D’Erico with a Paris Hilton gimmick) on her way into the locker room. Poor one-liners ensue.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A MALE WRESTLER?- hilarious
The contestants this time are the Cuban Assassin and Marley Sebastian (Daizee Haze). The question was “A squared + B squared=?” The Cuban Assassin buzzed in, telling Jimmy that he would not answer the question because “I don’t roll with squares.” I laughed my ass off at this. Marley takes a moment to think, then says “my spirit guide is telling me that it’s C squared.” Shouldn’t getting help from her spirit guide be considered cheating?

SIERRA SHERATON (Donna D’Erico) vs. MARLEY SEBASTIAN (Daizee Haze)- 5.25/10
Marley is Daizee Haze with a “new age hippie” gimmick… so basically Daizee’s normal character, but with more mediation and less implied marijuana usage. She wants to take a moment before the match to meditate in the ring, but while she does so, Sierra jumps her from behind. The crowd was definitely being coached on when to cheer for the entrances, but this heel move seems to have legitimately gotten the people behind Marley. The problem is that they don’t seem to be able to remember her name, so we got a weak but audible chant of “Let’s go hippie! Let’s go!”
Marley works over Sheraton’s arm for a while with various holds, until Sheraton gets to the ropes. Then they did a F*CKING AWESOME spot where Sheraton mockingly asked for a test of strength to show off her height advantage… so Marley jumped and grabbed the raised arm and continued to work it over.
Anyway, Sierra got heat, Marley made a comeback. The match was fun, but nothing particularly good.

CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
(About Sierra Sheraton) “She got a black belt in shopping.”

PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
(About Sierra Sheraton) “She spoils her pet so much the doghouse has a butler.”

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
“Marley believes in the power of crystals.”




EPISODE 5:
The show opens with Leyla Milani doing her Wrestlicious Rap verse… but half way through the screen goes black as the music is interrupted by that “stop everything!” record-scratching sound you often get in cartoons. Then we cut to a basement where Brooke Lynn has Leyla tied to a chair and gagged. As Leyla struggles to escape her bonds, Brooke delivers some standard C-movie villainous dialogue, but then closes it out with what might be the best line of the entire series: “No Hollywood wanna-be model is ever gonna out-class a girl from Brooklyn.” EVIL BECKY BAYLESS FOR THE WIN!
Brooke then taunts Leyla while cutting off a big lock of her hair. She then throws the hair in Leyla’s face and declares “Wrestlicious is mine, be-yotch!” Brooke walked off and Leyla struggled some while the camera made sure to get a nice shot of her rack. FANTASTIC!

After the standard opening video, we see Jimmy Hart pacing around and worried because Leyla is late. Brooke Lynn walks up to him and says “Hi Jimmy.” Jimmy responds by asking “Who are you?” This would have been fine except that Brooke has already been announced the big battle royale… so does Jimmy not know all of the wrestlers on the show he is hosting?
Jimmy asks her were Leyla is, and if you have ever seen a television show that tired to be funny or snarky before, you already know what Brooke’s response is: “She’s a little tied up right now.” For some reason, the laugh track played (kidnapping is funny!). If you're going to be be camp, GO WITH IT! Replace the laugh track with an evil laugh! Then they completely kill the already hackneyed joke by having Jimmy ask “for how long?” to which Brooke responds “until she learns how to untie a sailor’s knot.”
I love this show so much.

SEGMENT WITH FELONY IN JAIL- the joke was stupid, but we do find out what she is in jail for: She stole a police car. This fact isn’t actually important. I just felt like typing more than “this was not funny.”

THE NEXT THREE ENTRANTS FOR THE UPCOMING BIG BATTLE ROYALE ARE ANNOUNCED- Marley Sebastian (Daizee Haze), Paige Webb (Serena Deeb), and Draculetta (Daffney).

WEIRD SKIT- Malibu McKenzie was introduced as a “student nurse” here, which was weird because in all of her other appearances, her gimmick was (as her named would suggest) a surfer. She dealt with a horny idiotic man-child. The segment was not even close to funny.

TAKEDOWN SPOTLIGHT: LIL’ SLAMM- she has a rapper gimmick. She poses on a beach, in a bikini just like all of the others. Our background music this time is a song whose chorus was “I got a bad rap.” At least they were being honest. This rap was atrocious.

YOU’VE GOT MALE, WITH PAIGE WEBB- fun, as always.

SCHOOL BELLE- in this segment, Savannah teaches us how to use a given word. This was basically Jeff Foxworthy’s Redneck Dictionary, but a lot less funny.

THE NAUGHTY GIRLS IN DETENTION- another one-liner you can see coming a mile away. What I want to know is why the desks were facing AWAY from the blackboard.

WRESTLICIOUS HEROINES: NAUGHTY VS. NICE- this was an angle done to build up the main event… but in the form of an illustrated comic (with generic superhero music playing while the background of the screen flies through a cityscape). I thought it was fun. I thought the art-style looked really familiar… then they said that it was the guy from botchedspot.com, which explains why I got that feeling.


PAIGE WEBB & CHARLOTTE (w/Savannah) vs. THE NAUGHTY GIRLS (w/Charity)- 4/10
The Naughty Girls entrance music goes like this:
“We’re the NAUGHTY GIRRRRLLLLS
From high school!
We’re the NAUGHTY GIRRRRLLLLS
Breakin’ all the rules!
We don’t do nothing
That we should."

SO FANTASTICALLY CORNY!

Strangely, only two of them came out, and Sister Ophelia was not with them as advertised. They go around asking for collection money. The announcer informs us that “there’s nothing wrong with giving to a worthy cause. I have a friend who started a halfway house for girls who won’t go all the way.” Have I mentioned how much I love this show in the past few paragraphs?
Johnny C tells them they are not allowed to do this, but they reply that their teacher told them to collect money for charity. “Charity?” Johnny C. asks, incredulously. “Yeah. Charity” they both reply and gesture to the entrance way where Sister Ophelia comes out dragging along the third Naughty Girl, who is named "Charity." Get it?

The announcer then informs us that the Naughty Girls are the wrestling team at their school and Sister Ophelia is not just a nun: She is their coach. This had me rolling with laughter.
As you’ve probably surmised by now, the Naughty Girls’ (Faith, Hope, and Charity) gimmick is that they are Catholic school girls. What you may not have known is that Faith and Hope are Portia Perez and Nicole Matthews respectively, so if you ever wanted to see the Canadian Ninjas dressed up as sexy schoolgirls, this match is for you.
Sister Ophelia left ringside before the match started in order to “go clap her erasers.” I’m not sure if this is meant to be a euphemism for something. The babyfaces then make their entrance, with Charlotte and Savannah being all southern, wearing long gloves and carrying parasols. The heels then start trash-talking, calling Paige a “Librarian” and asking the two southerners “what do you need those umbrellas inside for, anyway?”

Apparently I was not the only one impressed by how hot Paige looked last time she wrestled, because when she let her hair down, she got a huge pop. For some weird reason, they actually shined the heel rather than the babyface, leading the announcer to remark that “the student has been schooling the Software Siren so far.” Try saying that ten times fast.
I assume this must have been post-produced rather than just the audience being coached, but early on Paige hit an arm drag and went for the pin, and when Hope kicked out, there was this collective “awwww” of disappointment, as if they actually believed that an arm drag might be the finish. Either way, it was fantastic.
The match was okay. Paige was great and the heels were great heels, but it just wasn’t very exciting most of the time.
As we go off the air, we get a quick message from Brooke Lynn, warning us that we had better tune in next week “if ya know what’s good for ya!”


CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
“The detention-ers are mocking the Computer Cutie’s glasses. I’d have to say that’s a little short-sighted of them.”

PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
“Charlotte is showing the schoolgirls a little southern un-hospitality.”

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
“She’s stuffing a brick into her pencil case!”
(And no, this was not a euphemism. It was a 100% accurate description of exactly what was happening.)
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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Re: BRM Reviews... WRESTLICIOUS!

Post by Big Red Machine » May 31st, '14, 20:24

EPISODE 6:
The name for the 20 woman battle royale is revealed. It will be a “Hoe-down Throwdown.” That was definitely worth the wait.
OPENING WITH JIMMY HART & BROOKE LYNN- they hype up the main event, with Brooke claiming she will beat everyone “in a New York minute” (in case you somehow forgot she is supposed to be from New York). Jimmy makes fun of her. No mention whatsoever is made of Leyla Milani, so I guess she is still tied up in Brooke’s basement.

THE FINAL FIVE ENTRANTS FOR HOEDOWN THROWDOWN BATTLE ROYALE ARE ANNOUNCED- White Magic (Lacey), Alexandra the Great (Danyah), Amber Lively (Madison Rayne), Maria Toro (Mercedes Martinez), and Hope (Nicole Matthews) of the Naught Girls. The announcer could barely contain his excitement about the main event. They’ve been hyping this thing decently well so far.

COUNTRY QUICKIE WITH COUSIN CASSIE & TYLER TEXAS- kill me now.
More “you just might be a down-home ‘rassler if…” I think that whoever was writing these just completely gave up on trying to be funny in any way at all.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A MALE WRESTLER: Lil’ Slamm vs. Greg “The Hammer Valentine”-
The category is pop culture, and the question is about rap. This seems like they are stacking the deck. The actual question was “the rap artist who recorded Can’t Touch This was...” and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine didn’t know. That was slightly funny. At least these segments are short.

LIL’ SLAMM vs. KANDI KISSES (Lizzy Valentine)- 2/10
The audience tries to clap in time with Lil’ Slamm’s entrance music, but fail miserably. Kandi started off by working over Slamm’s throat, which the announcer speculated was out of jealousy for Slamm being a more talented musician. She then transitioned to working over Slamm’s back. Slamm won.

WRESTLICIOUS HEROINES- Good
This was a follow-up to the match we just saw, and also had some continuity in it, with Kandi Kisses claiming that she was only lip-synching on the first show because she had laryngitis. Kandi and the Gum Drops jumped Slamm and demanded a rematch. Good art from the botchedspot.com guy, as always.

TAKEDOWN SPOTLIGHT: AMBER LIVELY- it’s Madison Rayne in a bikini. We’ve all seen it in TNA a million times before. And could they really not find her a bikini in the Kentucky Wildcats colors? If her gimmick is a Wildcats Cheerleader, she should be wearing their colors all the time (like how the Power Rangers only each wore their color).

THE YOUNG AND THE WRESTLERS- I hope this is all actually building to something.
We first see Maria Toro (Mercedes Martinez) beating up one of the trainees in the ring. We then get a clip of Bootcamp Bailey giving them their food for the day: one slice of bread and one bottle of water each. Then she announces that she is going to inspect the hot tub she ordered them to clean with their toothbrushes last time, and it had better be clean. Riveting stuff.

SEGMENT WITH SHA NA NA & THE BEPOPS- their 50’s naïveté is used to set up a one liner. It was funny. I DEMAND MORE SHA NA NA & THE BEBOPS!

After wasting most of this week’s episode on pointless unfunny crap, we now only have six and a half minutes left for the big match that everything has been building up to so far…
20 WOMAN HOEDOWN THROWDOWN BATTLE ROYALE TO DETERMINE THE TOP TWO CONTENDERS FOR THE WRESTLICIOUS CHAMPIONSHIP- DUD!
Apparently Savannah got injured, so Charlotte the Southern Belle will take her place. They actually show entrances for all twenty woman, so by the time things actually get started, we have less than four minutes left in the show. As a result, they had about the most simplistic battle royale you’ve ever seen, and it was barely even possible to keep track of anything except for the eliminations, which you could only keep track of because they all happened facing the hard cam.
Felony and Glory are the two winners, so they will face off for the title next week. They have a pull-apart, which consists of one referee and one security guy holding each woman back.

The show ended with one of the Bepops telling us that this was a “nifty” episode of Takedown. That is factually inaccurate. This was the worst episode of the series so far. The wrestling was bad, the big match they had hyped since the beginning was a dud, and the announcer didn’t even say anything noteworthy. On the bright side, though, we were promised that there would be Sha Na Na and the Bebops on the next show, so I need to go watch that right now.



CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
“The belle is rung out” (there weren’t many puns this week.)

PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
(When Kandi Kisses has Lil’ Slamm in a surfboard)- “She’s trying to stretch out a tune”

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
“The detention duo throws Amber Lively under the bus!”



EPISODE 7
JIMMY HART & BROOKE LYNN HYPE UP BROOKE’S MATCH AGAINST ALEXANDRA THE GREAT- standard opening dialogue lame one-liners from Jimmy Hart, but at least it was productive.

JOHNNY THE PRODUCER TRIES TO TELLS THE LOCKER ROOM HOW WELL THE SHOW IS DOING- Set up for another lame one-liner.

TAKEDOWN SPOTLIGHT: Glory- her bikini is red, white, and blue because she so American

BROOKE LYNN & KICKSTART KATIE BACKSTAGE- Brooke is paying Katie off to do something. Katie is Neveah. They realize the cameraman has discovered their evil plan and they chase him off.

BROOKE LYNN (Becky Bayless/Cookie) vs. ALEXNDRA THE GREAT (Danyah)- 0.5/10
Alexandra’s gimmick is that she is a “Polish powerhouse.” They finally got smart and changed Brooke’s hometown to New York. I mean come on. Which moron thought it would make any sense to call her “Brooke Lynn” and bill her as being from the Jersey Shore.
They actually got a bit of time here, but it really wasn’t good. The first few minutes were just poorly worked and phony-looking. Alexandra has her finishing hold, a cloverleaf called “the Krakow Crippler,” locked in, but Kickstart Katie runs in and attacks her for the DQ.

WE CAN VOTE FOR WHO WILL GET THE FIRST TITLE SHOT AGAINST THE YET-TO-BE-CROWNED WRESTLICIOUS CHAMPION- it will either be Marley Sebastian, Autumn Frost, Tyler Texas, or Toni the Top.

WRESTLICIOUS HEROINES- built up the next match.

TYLER TEXAS (w/Cousin Cassie) vs. MARIA TORO (w/Bandita)- 5.25/10
Tyler went to the back and brought out Cousin Cassie to cancel out Bandita. Tyler Texas is Lorelei Lee, Maria Toro is Mercedes Martinez. The other two are models. There was some good stuff here. Tyler Texas won clean, but it devolved into a pull-apart with all four women afterwards.


CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
“The cowgirls is through taking bull from her (Maria Toro)!”

PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
Nothing really stood out.

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
“She’s got her locked up tighter than The Situation’s abs.”




EPISODE 8:
We open with a recap of last week’s Brooke Lynn vs. Alexandra the great match, and Kickstart Katie’s interference.

JIMMY HART & BROOKE LYNN’S OPENING BIT- they hype up tonight’s submission match between Alexandra the Great (Danyah) and Kickstart Katie (Neveah). The only way to win is for your opponent’s cornerwoman to throw in the towel. Brooke Lynn (Becky Bayless/Cookie) will be in Katie’s corner, while Lacey Von Erich will be in Alexandra's. Brooke cut a great promo. Jimmy insulted her with some one-liners.

SHA NA NA & THE BEBOPS!
That’s not the segment header. That was just my excited reaction upon seeing them. Here is the analysis of the segment:
SHA NA NA & THE BEBOPS IN A MALT BAR- a one-liner so bad it almost made me unhappy to see them. Almost.

WRESTLICIOUS HEROINES- built up the submission match. Art-wise, I thought this was a rare miss by the BotchedSpot.com guy.

SHA NA NA & THE BEBOPS ARE IN THE FRONT ROW!

SUBMISSION MATCH: Alexandra the Great (w/Lacey Von Erich) vs. Kickstart Katie (w/Brooke Lynn)- 4.5/10
The announcer referred to Kickstart Katie (Neveah with a biker gimmick) as “the Harley honey.” That is just so wrong.
They did a good job building up the drama with each of the holds, but I hated the finish. Brook Lynn had interfered, and wound up dropping her towel when Lacey caught her in the claw. This apparently constituted throwing in the towel even though Alexandra wasn’t even touching Katie at the time.
Did Brooke Lynn legit piss someone off backstage? Because the announcer has been just BRUTAL on her over the past two shows.

SCHOOL BELLE WITH SAVANNAH- this one was actually funny.

WE CAN VOTE FOR WHO WILL GET THE FIRST TITLE SHOT AGAINST THE YET-TO-BE-CROWNED WRESTLICIOUS CHAMPION- it will either be Marley Sebastian, Autumn Frost, Tyler Texas, or Toni the Top.

TAKEDOWN SPOTLIGHT: Felony- they played old west prison music while she posed on the beach.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A MALE WRESTLER- funny.

AMBER LIVELY (Madison Rayne) & MARLEY SEBASTIAN (Daizee Haze) vs. BROOKE LYNN & AZIZA-
Aziza is a belly dancer. She must be a model because I can find no info on her. Brooke is wearing a neck brace, and claims she is too hurt to wrestle due to injuries sustained in the Von Erich Claw, so instead she found a replacement team...

AMBER LIVELY & MARLEY SEBASTIAN vs. THE LUNCH LADIES (Fran & Gert)- no rating. Okay segment.
Fran is Fantasia. Gert is Lexie Fyfe. They are lunch ladies. This “match” was a combination of quick comedy, and then the Lunch Ladies attacking the babyfaces with serving implements for the DQ. Believe it or not, they actually managed to make this look vicious. Then they smashed pies in the faces’ faces to humiliate them. Bryce Remsburg also ate a pie (metaphorically, although he might have eaten the remnants of it off of his face, too), as did Sha Na Na and the Bebops, who had been in the front row the whole time making awesome facial expressions.


CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
“Hopefully next time, Fran and Gert will get their just desserts.”

PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
“She’s so addled she got a DWI walking home.

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
“Wait! They’ve got the dessert cart!”



EPISODE 9:
OPENING STUFF- Jimmy Hart and Savannah are your hosts this week. He and Savannah do some comedy which only works because of Savannah’s facial expressions and accent. She really plays the character well.

BROOKE LYNN AT THE DOCTOR- Apparently Lacey Von Erich hurt Brooke’s neck, so she is now in a neck-brace. We also got the industrial runoff that passes for “comedy” in these segments.

“COMEDY” WITH FELONY- This time I can’t think of anything to write other than “this wasn’t funny.”

WRESTLICIOUS HEROINES- this one starred Felony and Glory and built up the main event. Good job as always by the botchedspot.com guy, whose name I swear I will try to remember next time one of these comes up.

SINGLES MATCH TO CROWN THE FIRST EVER WRESTLICIOUS CHAMPION: Glory (Christie Ricci) vs. Felony (Rain) (w/Officer Bubba)- 4.75/10
The announcer informs us that Felony wants to be the champion because that will guarantee her more bookings, which means less time in her cell. Hooray for logic! If only TNA’s angles made this much sense.
Felony worked over Glory’s neck but couldn’t put her down. Felony began to get frustrated, and the announced told us that “she hasn’t been this mad since she found out that ‘consecutive sentences’ are not a paragraph.” Glory makes a comeback and goes over with the Hogan Leg Drop to become the first Wrestlicious Champion.
Wait… WHAT THE HELL?
When they said they were fighting for the “Wrestlicious Crown” I thought they were speaking metaphorically! Apparently the “championship” in Wrestlicious is tiara that says “Wrestlicious” on it. This ranks above the banana from Wrestling is Fun!, but well below the giant broadsword from Ring of Glory. At least this thing looks expensive, though.
Wrestlicious owner JV Rich comes out to present it to her (flanked by Lil’ Slamm and Cousin Cassie). Glory promises to defend the… tiara… whenever management wants her to. Toni “the Top” Allegro comes out and presents a (somewhat flimsy) argument why she should be the #1 contender. Glory says she has no problem defending the belt against Toni, so JV Rich books the match for later tonight!

BANDITA’S CANTINA-
Patron: Waitress! I’d like something hot and spicy.
Bandita: So would I, but Antonio Banderas is already taken.

MALIBU MACKENZIE & A PATIENT- more unfunny crap.
I can’t believe that they changed her gimmick to be a nurse, but left her name as “Malibu Mackenzie.”
Wait… now they have her doing her Wrestlicious rap and she is back to being a surfer again. I’M SO CONFUSED!

TAKEDOWN SPOTLIGHT: MALIBU MACKENZIE- better than normal
Rather than just shots of a chick on a beach in a bikini, they now have action shots of her in the ring, too!

THE YOUNG AND THE WRESTLERS-
First we see clips of Felony beating up one of the trainees, Traci the Floor Manager (who was recruited unwillingly from her cushy job as the Wrestlicious Floor Manager). Then we see Bootcamp Bailey telling them all that they will have to sleep in the ring!
And then, just like that, we are told that there has been an update, and “Trainee #2” won the competition. That was anti-climactic. She will soon make her Wrestlicious debut as “Emo Leigh.” Her gimmick will be that she is Emo.

WRESTLICIOUS CROWN TITLE MATCH: Glory(c) vs. Toni “the Top” Allegro (Nikki)- no rating- decent segment.
Toni hit a suicide dive to start the match and they had a short but intense brawl on the outside which was broken up by refs and security and the match was declared no-contest. The announcer described the dive as "Toni launches herself at the patriot like a scud missile" which is just SO backwards! Patriots are the surface-to-air missiles that shoot down scuds.

CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
“The career criminal bails.”

PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
“The all-American is probably seeing stars and stripes.”

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
None. The announcing on this show has been ever disappointing recently.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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Re: BRM Reviews... WRESTLICIOUS!

Post by Big Red Machine » Nov 18th, '14, 23:47

After consulting old files on Diva Dirt, I realized I had watched some of the show out of order, so I have corrected the affected episode numbers and have watched the interim. Episodes 7 and 8 are new.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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Re: BRM Reviews... WRESTLICIOUS!

Post by Big Red Machine » Feb 10th, '15, 15:53

EPISODE 10:
OPENING GAG- Apparently the ring announcer married one of the wrestlers and is thus retiring, leaving his job to his son. They do a bait and switch, making us thing it is Cousin Cassie who has been married, but it is really White Magic (Lacey), which sets up for a lame joke.

INTRO WITH JIMMY HART & SAVANNAH- he wants to get her drunk.

COUNTRY QUICKIE WITH COUSIN CASSIE & TYLER TEXAS- kill me now.
More “you just might be a down-home ‘rassler if…” I think that whoever was writing these just completely gave up on trying to be funny in any way at all.
For those wondering: Yes. This was exactly what I wrote about this segment last time, verbatim. I figured it was only fair that I put as much effort into reviewing this as the writer put into writing it.

They appear to have moved out of the studio and into a nightclub. The set-up looks more indy (in a good way) and the crowd looks much bigger. Cagematch.net tells me that this show was a joint effort with F1rst Wrestling in Minneapolis.

COUSIN CASSIE vs. JUVI HALL- 0.5/10
I can find no info on Juvi Hall at all, but she carried herself more like a worker than the many models on this show have. Her gimmick is that she is a delinquent runaway. Faith (Portia Perez) of the Naughty Girls came out to watch the match. This match started off poorly, but got better as its short time went on. Good enough to avoid being a dud, anyway. Faith jumped Cassie after the match, but Tyler Texas quickly came out to make the save.

SHA NA NA & THE BEBOPS!- a set-up for an otherwise lame one-liner that they actually managed to turn into something good with their delivery.

TAKEDOWN SPOTLIGHT: KICKSTART KATIE- She’s a biker chick. This whole posing on the beach in a bikini deal kills her gimmick.

YOU’VE GOT MALE, WITH PAIGE WEBB- funny. The best part of it was poor sad Paige (Serena Deeb) at the end, showing us that she is ever the optimist by saying “maybe next time I’ll get some nicer e-mails.”

FAITH (Portia Perez) & WHITE MAGIC (Lacey) vs. MARLEY SEBASTIAN (Daizee Haze) & COCO MEOTEGO (Sojo Bolt), WITH SPECIAL REFEREE AUSTIN ARIES- 5.75
The Naughty Girls were advertised for this match but only Faith came out. The graphics guy screwed up and used Hope’s graphic for Faith. Faith explained that Hope’s parents had “sent her away to boarding school,” but she had found a replacement partner for tonight: White Magic- who is the new ring announcer’s new stepmother.
Coco’s gimmick is that she is “the greatest psychic on the islands.” She lost her Jamaican accent half way through her first sentence. She predicted that “me and Marley are going to kick your butts!”
White Magic let Faith use her voodoo doll to torture Coco. Faith tried to use it on Marley, but Marley is apparently immune because she does Yoga. I swear to G-d that is what they said.
The match was good, with the heels being great heels and Marley being a good babyface in peril. Aries also did a great job, feeling like a completely competent referee who the heels were legitimately fooling rather than… well… a pro wrestling referee. The DQ finish was very disappointing because this felt like it was on its way to being the best match of the series so far.

A pretty dull episode of Wrestlicious, but at least it had both a decent match and my two favorite goofy segments (“You’ve Got Male” and whatever they call the segments with Sha Na Na and the Bebops).

CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
While Marley was blocking the Voodoo with her Yoga, the announcer described White Magic’s efforts as “an exercise in futility.”

PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
"She’s not a bushing bride, she’s a crushing bride."

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
“Now naughty and evil are taking turns on Marley!”
RUNNER UP:
(After Coco was running wild like a house of fire) “Now that’s what I call hot Coco!”



EPISODE 11:
JV’S CRIB- Jimmy Hart is standing over an ironing board. He is flanked by Paige Webb and Bootcamp Bailey with another girl sitting in the background. They are all wearing bikinis rather than actual clothes (I mean just the girls, not Jimmy), because that seems to be how things go at JV’s crib. Jimmy says he will teach Paige how to iron a shirt, but Bootcamp Bailey immediately points at the ironing board and shouts “THAT’S YOUR JOB, JIMMY!” That made me laugh my ass off.
JV Rich comes into the room with another bikini-clad woman. He asks Jimmy to wash his car next. Jimmy gets angry, throws his jacket down and quits, proclaiming “I don’t need this! I’m a Hall-of-Famer!” This is THE THIRD TIME THAT THEY HAVE DONE THIS EXACT SAME JOKE.

JIMMY HART TALKS TO A “RANDOM FAN”- that’s what the graphic called her. Under him it said “Jimmy Hart” and under her is said “Random Fan.” This was a set-up for a dumb one-liner.

WRESTLICIOUS HEROINES- It looks like Toni the Top has recruited a henchwoman. Great art as always by the BotchedSpot.com guy, whose name I have finally remembered is James Hornsby.

FELONY IN JAIL- another set-up for a one-liner, but I actually chuckled at this one.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A MALE WRESTLER?- eh. The funniest part of this was Brian Knobbs referencing Betty White.

CHARLOTTE AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE- not funny, which was disappointing because they actually seemed to have a good set-up (Charlotte the Southern Belle left two questions on her medical form blank because she was always told it was inappropriate for a man to ask a lady her age and her weight).

BANDITA’S CANTINA- Saw the punchline coming a mile away, but still chuckled at it. Some things you just can’t help yourself with.

COUNTRY QUICKIE WITH COUSIN CASSIE & TYLER TEXAS- one of these days I swear I am actually going to skip this segment.

VOODOO YOU LOVE- wow. They’re actually following up on the whole “the ring announcer married White Magic” thing. I honestly didn’t expect that. I actually chuckled at this, mostly because of White Magic (Lacey)’s delivery.

THE BRISTOLS ARE COMING- they are British Twins named Beatrice and Penelope. Get it? B P? If you didn’t, they made it quite clear by putting the British Petroleum logo on the screen. Being British identical twins, you’ve probably already correctly guessed that they are Hannah and Holly Blossom.

TAKEDOWN SPOTLIGHT SIERRA SHERATON- hot chick on a beach in a bikini. At this point: snore.

TONI THE TOP PROMO- Toni (Nikki) reminds us that she has a title match coming up soon, and she introduces us to her new associate: Tina the Trigger (Sammi Lane)… who is carrying a baseball bat. With a name like Tina “the Trigger,” shouldn’t she be carrying a gun? Tina tells us that their team name is TNT, and that they want a tag team match right now. Out come Cousin Cassie & Tyler Texas, so we get…

TNT vs. COUSIN CASSIE & TYLER TEXAS (Lorelei Lee)-
WAIT! No! It’s a swerve! Instead, we get…
TNT vs. TYLER TEXAS (Lorelei Lee) & GLORY (Christie Ricci) (w/Cousin Cassie)- 6.25/10
Best match of the series so far. They heels worked over Tyler’s neck and they had a great escalating intensity throughout. There was a lot of basic but good babyface vs. heel stuff. They wound up in an out-of control brawl, so Austin Aries and bunch of babyfaces showed up to break it up. This actually functioned as surprisingly good build for the upcoming Glory vs. Toni title match.

Brooke Lynn promised us that she would be on the show next week.

A very up-and-down episode. The endless skits got annoying quickly, but the match was the best one yet.


CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
"The Trigger may have shot her mouth off"

PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
“Tina doesn’t want to give up that Louisville Slugger. I guess that’s why they call her “the hit lady.”

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
“The champ has been controlling Toni’s mini-me”
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
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FIP in 2005
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Big Red Machine
Posts: 18873
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 15:12
Favorite Wrestler: Kane

Re: BRM Reviews... WRESTLICIOUS!

Post by Big Red Machine » Apr 25th, '15, 19:27

EPISODE 12:

Rather than the standard opening, we immediately go into hype mode for Tyler Texas (Lorelei Lee) vs. Faith (Portia Perez).

JIMMY HART & “OUR FAN”- bad
“Our Fan” is the same woman from last week who was at that time merely labeled “A Random Fan.” I’m not sure why they changed it because “Our Fan” is not only a lot less funny than “A Random Fan,” but saying that she is “Our Fan” instead of “One of Our Fans” implies that she is the only fan they have.
She asked Jimmy how she would know if she was a “wrestling fanatic.” Jimmy told her that “you know you’re a wrestling fanatic if you start a ‘USA!’ chant whenever you walk into a Chinese restaurant.” Apparently this was supposed to be funny. Then Our Fan started an utterly pathetic “USA!” chant, so I guess this was being filmed in a Chinese restaurant (hey! If they don’t have to be funny, then I don’t either!)

THE BRISTOLS ARE COMING- fantastic!
They did their “I’m *INSERT NAME HERE* and I’m Wrestlicious” rap verse, except the music wasn’t there and they didn’t rap it at all, so it just sounded like a normal conversation and I had absolutely no idea where they were going with it until they said “we’re the Bristols and we’re Wrestlicious” in unison. F*cking brilliant!

JIMMY HART TALKS WITH “MASKED MILLIE”- “Mask Millie” was billed as “the Lady of One Mask.” That made me chuckle, and it’s a good thing that that made me chuckle because their attempt at comedy here was just utterly terrible.

MASKED MILLIE vs. JEZEBEL- DUD!
Masked Millie’s gimmick is that she thinks she’s a super hero and poses a lot. Jezebel’s gimmick is apparently that she’s a stripper, although they didn’t have her do any stripping. The announcer described Masked Millie as “she’s not a bird, she’s not a plane, and the only way she flies is as cargo.” That has got to be the meanest thing said on this show.
This match sucked. All of the comedy failed aside from one spot, and all of the wrestling they did looked terrible, aside from the finisher, which was a rather vicious looking Attitude Adjustment (which the announcer called by that name after proclaiming that he was seeing “shades of John Cena!”)
That being said, I can’t hate this match because it did result in the announcer saying the following:
“Is there a moral to this story? Yes: Don’t mess with anyone wearing a mask who changes clothes in a public phone booth."

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A MALE WRESTLER- eh.
They left the logo for this segment up for a long time, which was not a good thing, as it seems designed to trigger epileptic seizures.
This time we had Lil Slamm taking on Greg Valentine. Jimmy asked The Hammer “what you going to get in the mail on February 14th?” Greg replied “A restraining order.” Lil Slamm then answered the question. She said she would get a valentine in the mail. Jimmy said she was correct, but I’m calling bullsh*t because no one does that by snail mail anymore.

ONE OF THE BEBOPS VISITS THE DOCTOR- terrible.

VOODOO YOU LOVE?- I chuckled at the one-liner, but White Magic’s response to this was to torture poor Johnny with a Voodoo doll while a laugh track was playing. Domestic abuse is a serious issue and should not be made light of.

COUNTRY QUICKIE WITH COUSIN CASSIE & TYLER TEXAS- as bad as always.

JIMMY HART & JV RICH- JV has a date, so he is going to make Jimmy babysit his children for him. With all of the crappy skits so far tonight, this one pushed me over the edge into that “just end it already” mood.

TAKEDOWN SPOTLIGHT: KANDI KISSES- hot chick on a beach in a bikini, but she’s got her iPod strapped to her arm and has her earbuds in, presumably listening to her hit single, (an instrumental version of which was playing in the background). I’m pretty sure she was also doing some of the dance moves to the song. Kandi Kisses is a criminally underused character on this show.

WRESTLICIOUS HEROINES- OH SH*T THOSE ARE SOME FIGHTIN’ WORDS. Good build to the main event, and good art by the BotchedSpot.com guy.

TYLER TEXAS vs. FAITH- 4.25/10
Short, but very good for what it was. The announcer used this match as the basis for his claim that Wrestlicious has the best women’s wrestling in the world. Now THAT might have been the funniest thing ever said on this show.

Not a good show at all. There was WAY too much failed comedy. At least it reminded me how much I need to see more Kandi Kisses skits.

CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
“Faith may he hoping for a recess.”

PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
“I’d hate to be in Faith’s shoes. Or skirt, for that matter.”

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
"Don’t mess with anyone wearing a mask who changes clothes in a public phone booth."

Runner up:
“The Texan won’t be singing at the hootenanny after this one!”
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
WWE in 2005
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
TNA Victory Road 2008
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
ECW Guilty As Charged 1999

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Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 15:12
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Re: BRM Reviews... WRESTLICIOUS!

Post by Big Red Machine » May 8th, '15, 15:56

EPISODE 13:
OPENING HYPE- would have been a lot more dramatic if they had cut out the announcer’s commentary, but it was still good. The main event for the season finale (and, unfortunately, series finale) of Wrestlicious will be Glory defending the Wrestlicious Title against Toni the Top in a Lumberjack Match.

OPENING BIT- more un-funny drivel.
The “Random Fan” girl finally gets a name, and it’s… “Ima Marck.” Yes, really. Then Jimmy Hart told a stupid “joke” (if it can legally be called such a thing), then demanded that security remove Ima Marck from the premises.

TONI THE TOP (Nikki) BRINGS AUTUMN FROST (Jennifer Blake) TO SEE JV RICH AGAIN- once again he calls Autumn ugly, showing that he has absolutely no taste whatsoever because she looked really f*cking hot. He dismisses her with a stupid one-liner, but Autumn let out a fantastic yell of frustration which saved this whole thing.

FELONY IN JAIL- dumb predictable one-liner.

TAKEDOWN SPOTLIGHT: BANDITA- hot chick on a beach not doing much in a bikini. This was all time that could have been spent on wrestling. Or on sketches featuring Sha Na Na and the Bebops. Or Kandi Kisses. Or all of them at once! That would be SOOOOO AWESOME!

VOODOO YOU LOVE- same issue as before with domestic abuse not being funny, but at least their one-liner was. Both Johnny C and Lacey really crushed the delivery.

VIDEO PACKAGE OF ALL OF THE TALENT WRESTLICIOUS HAS “DISCOVERED” THAT WWE AND TNA HAD “STOLEN”-
This started off by saying “WWE and TNA know great talent when they see it… on Wrestlicious!”
Then they listed a bunch of women who had worked for them who were working for the big name companies when this show finally got around to airing: Lacey Von Erich, Draculetta (Daffney), Sister Ophelia (Rosie Lottalove), Paige Webb (Serena Deeb), Amber Lively (Madison Rayne), and Brooke Lynn (Cookie/Becky Bayless).
Yeah… a couple of problems with that list:
Lacey Von Erich- had been under a WWE developmental contract before her time in Wrestlicious… and was cut for not being good enough in the ring. Imagine how bad she would have had to be to get cut during the Johnny Ace era, looking like she does and having Von Erich as a last name. At the time this aired, she was in TNA, proving exactly how bad she was in the ring. Not someone worth taking credit for “discovering.”
Daffney- had been under WWE developmental contract and had worked for TNA for a while (not to mentioned her time in WCW) before she worked for Wrestlicious.
Becky Bayless- had worked for ROH for years and was already on WWE and TNA’s radar. She wasn’t signed because she had mostly transitioned to being an interviewer after a severe car accident a few years earlier.
Madison Rayne- Had already started working for TNA concurrently with the Wrestlicious tapings.
Serene Deeb- like Becky she was already well known on the indy scene and been on WWE’s radar for years because she spent a lot of time in OVW. But if they want to take credit for Deeb, then they also need to take credit for…
Rosie Lottalove- You remember her, right? She was the woman with the fat stripper gimmick who wrestled a few matches for TNA, and in one of them botched moves so badly that she ended the career of the aforementioned (and much more talented) Daffney.
So good job there, Wrestlicious!
Though let’s be honest: the only people they discovered were the models because of the women on the show were well-known indy names, and Wrestlicious trying to take credit for this really annoyed me.

A COMMERCIAL FOR THE WRESTLICIOUS SEAOSN 1 DVD- they tried to entice us to buy this product (which I don’t think was ever produced) by advertising “bonus footage” all of which seemed to be from a match between Maui (a model) and Malibu (also a model) taking on the tag team of Jimmy Angels (also models). And because it’s Wrestlicious, it wouldn’t be complete without unfunny comedy involving Jimmy Hart.

WRESTLICIOUS HEROINES- lame build for the main event. I mean the dialogue was bad. The BotchedSpot.com guy’s art is almost always great.

Apparently Felony (Rain) has escaped from Jail.

LUMBERJACK MATCH FOR THE WRESTLICIOUS TITLE: Glory(c) vs. Toni The Top- 5.75/10
As the match began, the announcer took the time to thank everyone who has made this first season of Wrestlicious such a success. While he was doing this, a graphic on the screen credited him as “Un-named Announcer.” That made me giggle.
Why was the babyface the one continuously throwing the heel out of the ring so her babyface friends could beat the sh*t out of her while the heel lumberjacks looked on helplessly? Isn’t that backwards?
There was a fan holding up a sign that read “JV Rich>Vince.” This sign was incorrect. Unless the Vince in question was Russo. You know what… even if it was Russo, I’m still not quite sure that statement is true.
The match was good old-school southern-style stuff, aside from the lack of DQ for the blatant interference. That wasn’t good or old-school or southern-style. It didn’t matter in the end, though, as Glory won the match and retained her… um… tiara.

A disappointing final episode in many ways- both the big main event math not really delivering (despite getting a good thirteen minutes), and also with most of the jokes totally failing (and, obviously, the complete and total lack of Kandi Kisses or Sha Na Na and the Bebops. They didn’t even get to be lumberjacks).
CORNY ANNOUNCER PUN OF THE WEEK:
“The Top is now spinning!”

PATHETICALLY LAME ANNOUNCER JOKE OF THE WEEK:
“This is textbook wrestling! Toni the Top must have knocked over a library.”
Runner up:
“The goddaughter wants that Wrestlicious Crown by hook or by crook… and she certainly knows a lot about crooks!”

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW:
None. Very disappointing for the final episode.

SERIES OVERVIEW:
Wrestlicious had its very fun points, but also a lot of very frustrating ones. It’s one of those shows that, when you’re not enjoying the good wrestling or laughing at the good comedy, really makes you scream because it could have been so much better if they had just cut out the unfunny stuff and gave that time to the wrestling… and wouldn’t have even been so hard because most of the unfunny stuff didn’t even come close to being funny, to the point where you’re baffled that they left it in the show in the first place. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected anything better, but I did so I was disappointed. Wrestlicious can be oodles of fun if you find the right stuff. I’d stick to the first set of tapings and not watch any of the stuff from the nightclub in Minnesota- so basically everything until episode 9. After that it gets tedious very quickly. But check it out for yourself and enjoy the fun stuff!
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
WWE in 2005
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
TNA Victory Road 2008
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
ECW Guilty As Charged 1999

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