BRM Reviews the 3/5/2019 Smackdown

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- AWESOME!
Kofi Kingston isn’t here this week because New Day is on a promotional tour of India. Bad timing. Could we have at least pretended that they weren’t originally scheduled for this promotional tour but Vince ordered them to go right after last week’s Smackdown?
Bryan came out and started to cut a great promo on Owens. He was interrupted by Owens, who then cut a great promo on Bryan. These two traded verbal jabs, then Rowan got in Owens’ face so Owens punched him and low-bridged him when he charged. Bryan went after Owens next but Owens double-legged him and started to pound on him until Rowan made the save with the chokeslam’s inferior cousin, the claw-slam.
This was a really fun and GREAT segment to build up to a title match. I can’t remember the last time I was this into a main roster talking segment.

USOS PROMO- GREAT!
Now I’m going to be disappointed if Shane doesn’t jump off the WrestleMania sign.
Shane & Miz came out and a cut a meh promo of their own. The Usos tried to attack them but low-bridged out of the ring.

THE MIZ (w/Shane McMahon) vs. JEY USO (w/Jimmy Uso)- 5/10
Stuff happened. The Usos tried to cheat by adding leverage in a wacky and ridiculous manner. This caused Shane to attack Jimmy, which in turn distracted Jey, allowing Miz to make good on his promise in his earlier promo of being ready to pounce on any lapse of concentration Jey might have.

KAYLA BRAXTON INTERVIEWS CHARLOTTE FLAIR- very good
She dares Becky Lynch to come out later tonight and have a “friendly conversation” with her during which Charlotte swears she won’t attack Becky at all.
More importantly, Charlotte was very careful to repeat Steph’s exact phrasing from last night that “if Becky Lynch loses, she’s done.” When you go out of your way to say that it really sounds to me like Becky’s career is on the line, but if that’s the case then why don’t they just say so? And if we’re not supposed to be read anything into the term then why do they keep repeating it?

R-TRUTH & CARMELLA PROMO- Truth is a goof, but at least I found him funny this time.
He is going to have another US Title open challenge and asked for a challenger, prompting our once-per-show Lacey Evans walk-by. By this point I have learned that Lacey Evan’s music is my cue to go refill my glass of soda because I know nothing will actually happen for the next thirty seconds.
Truth calls Lacey “Miss Sexy Gloves,” so now we know what his fetish is. Because I am exceedingly bored right now I have decided to use that last line as inspiration to compile a list of WWE wrestlers’ fetishes as based off of observations noted in my reviews. Here is the list, complete with sourcing:
R-Truth- women in gloves (see above)
Charlotte Flair- people standing being behind her and defecating (viewtopic.php?f=34&t=20941&p=107435#p107435)
Tensai- dudes wearing masks (viewtopic.php?f=72&t=13627&p=78031&hilit=porn#p78031)
Roman Reigns- foot fetish (viewtopic.php?f=8&t=13838)
Seth Rollins- vibrators… presumably being shoved up his butt (viewtopic.php?f=33&t=14318)
Shayna Baszler- torture porn (her favorite porn star is Minoru Suzuki) (viewtopic.php?f=72&t=20140)


FATAL FOUR-WAY FOR THE WWE UNITED STATES TITLE: R-Truth(c) (w/Carmella) vs. Samoa Joe vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Andrade “Cien” Almas (w/Zelina Vega)- 7.5/10
If three guys can answer the same open challenge then why doesn’t everyone just run to the ring whenever there is an open challenge?
This was another great US Title match, and even better, SAMOA JOE WON! Strangely, he did so with the Rock Bottom… and the week after Owens started using the Stone Cold Stunner, too. Is this a new thing they’re doing?

NEW DAY PRE-TAPED PROMO FROM INDIA- I couldn’t understand anything they said.
Byron clarified that they will be at the PPV on Sunday. If we get another f*cking DQ in a world title match I’m going to be extremely pissed off.

KAYLA BRAXTON INTERVIEWS SAMOA JOE- This interview took place between Aleister Black’s entrance and Ricochet’s, presumably just to piss me off.
Joe’s promo was the predictable Samoa Joe awesomeness.

ALEISTER BLACK & RICOCHET vs. SHEAMUS & CESARO- 6.5/10
Seeing Aleister Black standing on the ring apron being the cheerleading babyface partner is very weird. Black & Ricochet picked up the predictable win over the tag division’s enhancement talent.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- meh
Rusev & Nakamura attacked Black & Ricochet, so the Hardy Boyz came out to help. The babyfaces all stood tall at the end. This felt forced, and like the only reason for doing it was to get more people on the show.

WWE has apparently decided to start calling Erick Rowan “The Redwood.” This means Rowan has joined the illustrious ranks of “the Big Red Monster” “the Texas Rattlesnake” and “the Rainbow-Haired Warrior” as WWE Superstars who have performed the illustrious feat of getting a nickname that is identical to their own nickname for their penis (come on… you know Jeff is the kind of person who dyes his pubes funny colors).

NAOMI vs. MANDY ROSE (w/Sonya Deville)- no rating, bad segment
Is this feud really still going on?
Naomi got some offense in, then got distracted by Sonya, then Mandy hit a big knee, then hit her finisher and got the win. The heels went up the ramp but Asuka came up behind them and beat them up, but which kills the heat for the PPV match as well as making Mandy look weak going into the PPV, which is the opposite of what they need to do.

KAYLA BRAXTON INTERVIEWS AJ STYLES- decent segment
AJ cut a promo saying it was unfair that Kofi got screwed. Randy Orton came up behind him and disapproved of AJ talking about another wrestler deserving a title shot, saying “no wonder it took you fifteen years to get here.” This was a decent segment, but I’d really prefer it if they didn’t stick the same thing in the same spot on the show two weeks in a row. It just comes off as lazy. There was absolutely no reason this couldn’t have been swapped around with Joe’s interview or the New Day video.

We’re getting Rey vs. Andrade at Fastlane… on the pre-show.

ERICK ROWAN vs. KEVIN OWENS- DUD!
NO ONE’S ENTRANCE GOT SHOWN FOR THE MAIN EVENT. This includes not only both competitors, but also WWE World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan, who provided guest commentary. The match went about two minutes before we got a DQ. I don’t care that Mustafa Ali made his big return to save Owens (then got taken out by Bryan, then Owens returned the favor and saved Ali). I’m angry about getting an annoying DQ. I’m not even saying that this wasn’t the right booking decision (Owens looks good and gets to reinforce that the Stunner is his new finisher, and Rowan doesn’t have to lose in his first match as Bryan’s policeman). But I have run out of patience with bullsh*t DQs in this company, especially in main events.

CHARLOTTE FLAIR & BECKY LYNCH CONFRONTATION- bad
Promos were cut. Charlotte went after Becky’s injured knee to get an advantage before the PPV but Becky fought her off, getting rid of the heat. This taught us nothing new, and was all time that would have been better spend on Black & Ricochet vs. Cesaro & Sheamus.

This was an otherwise enjoyable episode of Smackdown ruined by a disappointing last half hour or so.

[Bob-O]

you know Jeff is the kind of person who dyes his pubes funny colors

This might be some kind of record! I've been up for 10 minutes, and I'm already done with the internet today.

[NWK2000]

Bryan went after Owens next but Owens double-legged him and started to pound on him until Rowan made the save with the chokeslam’s Vastly superior cousin who has like, all the Nintendo 64 games and a motorcycle, the claw-slam.

There, fixed that sentence for you.

[KILLdozer]

That was the first Daniel Bryan I've actually watched in a while. Something was a lot different. Almost like they're actually trying to just make him a regular character again.

[Big Red Machine]

Bryan went after Owens next but Owens double-legged him and started to pound on him until Rowan made the save with the chokeslam’s Vastly superior cousin who has like, all the Nintendo 64 games and a motorcycle, the claw-slam.

There, fixed that sentence for you.

No one ever got over doing the claw slam. Tons of people have gotten over with the chokeslam. That's because it's way cooler.

[Big Red Machine]

you know Jeff is the kind of person who dyes his pubes funny colors

This might be some kind of record! I've been up for 10 minutes, and I'm already done with the internet today.

Charlotte having a poop fetish didn't get you but Jeff Hardy dying his pubes did?

[NWK2000]

you know Jeff is the kind of person who dyes his pubes funny colors

This might be some kind of record! I've been up for 10 minutes, and I'm already done with the internet today.

Charlotte having a poop fetish didn't get you but Jeff Hardy dying his pubes did?

Charlotte has a poop fetish? Do tell.

[KILLdozer]

I've seen Lacey Von Erich use the clawslam and that's about it.

[Big Red Machine]

This might be some kind of record! I've been up for 10 minutes, and I'm already done with the internet today.

Charlotte having a poop fetish didn't get you but Jeff Hardy dying his pubes did?

Charlotte has a poop fetish? Do tell.

viewtopic.php?f=34&t=20941&p=107435#p107435

Actually, what Charlotte first said was telling Becky to “take a number,” which she then clarified as “take a number two and stand behind the queen.”

[NWK2000]

I've seen Lacey Von Erich use the clawslam and that's about it.

Read it and weep BRM.

[Big Red Machine]

I've seen Lacey Von Erich use the clawslam and that's about it.

Read it and weep BRM.

If I remember correctly, I cried when I watched her try it.

[KILLdozer]

I'm sure some obscure failed muscle monster also used the clawslam in the past like Ludwig Borga or somebody out there.

[KILLdozer]

I'll admit it's just not the same. Now...if they used a claw-lift, then caught them out of the air into a spinebuster or some kind of powerbomb that would be MUCH different.

[Big Red Machine]

I've seen Lacey Von Erich use the clawslam and that's about it.

Read it and weep BRM.

*Shamelessly comes back with burn several days later*:


No, Lacey was trying to do a chokeslam but kept botching the goozle.