BRM Reviews the 2/26/2019 Smackdown (does anyone know what the actual f*ck is going on?)

[Big Red Machine]

WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH CONTRACT SIGNING- WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON?!
This might be the single weirdest segment I’ve ever seen without anything purposely weird or strange happening. Already in the ring are Daniel Bryan, Erick Rowan, Shane McMahon… and also, inexplicably, Stephanie McMahon, who never appears on Smackdown. So yeah. I’m betting Becky Lynch is going to show up here. Not in the ring is Kofi Kinston, or any representative of his. Having one party to a contract signing come out before you go on the air but not the other is just so weird, and what’s worse is that it’s pointlessly weird. Making this even weirder is the fact that unlike Bryan, Kofi also gets a fancy video package. Even weirder is the fact that Shane is narrating it in real time over the house mic. This would be weird with anyone doing it, but the fact that they chose Mr. Marble-mouth for this role is even more baffling. And yes; he f*cked up several times, including forgetting basic words like “in” that are important to a sentence. Also, if you wanted Shane to have any credibility while he was talking Kofi up, it was a mistake for this whole thing to start out with Shane claiming that this contract singing will be “historic.” I’ll bet you he’s only right if you use the most technical definition of the word.
Shane eventually handed narration duty off to Steph, who decided that the best way to put over Kofi pinning Bryan in the Gauntlet Match two weeks ago was to describe it as “a globally-trending victory.” She actually said that. And this is Stephanie McMahon we’re talking about, so if she was given that on a script and didn’t like it, she sure as hell wasn’t going to get in trouble for saying something less stupid.
So far, we’re off to quite a bad start. If you think a four-minute video package is a boring way to start a show, one that is narrated by and interspersed with shots of Shane and Steph is even worse.
At one point during his speech, Shane admitted that perhaps WWE management had “overlooked” Kofi, but within kayfabe, this statement really doesn’t make much sense. Kofi has spent much of his career in various successful tag teams, with his long run in New Day being the most successful. Sure, he won some singles titles, but it’s not like Kofi has been racking up wins (or even a long string of great showings over a sustained period of time) against top singles stars like Cena, Orton, Punk, Bryan, Reigns, Rollins, Ambrose, etc.
Then Kofi and New Day came out and Kofi just started cutting a promo facing the hard-cam like he would have if there was no one else in the ring. This is SOOO WEIRD. Then it was contract signing time. Bryan just signed it without saying a word, looking about as bored as I was while Shane and Steph were narrating Kofi’s video package. Then Kofi picked up the pen to sign the contract… and then VINCE MCMAHON showed up. WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON?! Is Vince going to suspend Kofi and replace him with Randy Orton or something?
Vince says that he has come out here to tell Kofi how much he appreciates everything Kofi has done for WWE over the past eleven years… but he owes it to the fans to give them “the best competition possible” and “the biggest box office I can possibly give you” and so he is “replacing” Kofi.
NO! I WAS JUST KIDDING! WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING, VINCE?!

Then things got even more bizarre, as Kofi’s “replacement” was revealed to be Kevin Owens, who they just spent several weeks of promos building up as a babyface!
Shane and Steph appeared shocked by this. Owens came down to the ring, sat down, and signed the contract, as New Day screamed “HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?!” and “DO SOMETHING!” at Shane and Steph.
You all know that I’m always one to say that babyfaces should fight fair and shouldn’t attack people without provocation and all of that stuff. Well if New Day had just beat the sh*t out of Kevin Owens right then and there, I would have been standing up and cheering them on.
The cameras were kept on New Day as they stormed up the ramp, at which point we heard Xavier Woods shout “WHY DOES IT HAPPEN EVERY SINGLE TIME?! EVERY SINGLE TIME KOFI GETS CLOSE…”

As you’ve doubtlessly already noticed, there are A LOT of parallels between this situation and the one involving the Raw Women’s Title. A babyface who many fans have felt is underappreciated gets over via grassroots support in a way WWE was not expecting or prepared to adequately deal with. Said babyface earns a title shot and winds up with the endorsement of a McMahon child/children/son-in-law, and just when we think the big match is about to be finalized, out comes Vince to replace the babyface with his own contender. Like with Becky Lynch, the idea being set up by all of this is that we are supposed to be angry at Vince (or the McMahons in general) for keeping Kofi down in favor of someone else. Unfortunately, just like with Becky, the idea that Becky has constantly been “kept down” by McMahon interference and favoritism towards others doesn’t make any kayfabe sense. In kayfabe, the only factual way to complete Xavier’s sentence is “every single time Kofi gets close… he loses cleanly.” That’s what happened at Elimination Chamber, and it is what has happened in every #1 contendership match he has been in that I can find a record of going back to 2010. Is Kofi getting screwed here? Absolutely. But once again, the idea that there is some history of this babyface being held down by the evil McMahons just isn’t supported by kayfabe facts.

OWENS, SHANE, & STEPH BACKSTAGE- grating
Owens says that he’s certain they didn’t know about this but wants to thank them for not doing anything. Steph responds to this by demanding “well, how long did you know about this?” which I assume is meant to plant the idea that Owens did, in fact, know about it and is a secret heel, despite him trying to be a babyface here. I’m genuinely baffled that this company could purposely design two situations to be so similar and yet not come up with the same questions to ask. No one ever asked Charlotte that question, and no one ever followed up to even try to learn if Becky might have been right about the McMahons being against her and Hunter and Steph having advanced knowledge of what Vince planned to do.
Owens wants to team with Kofi tonight against Bryan & Rowan. Stephanie sniped at him. Byron Saxton, of course, is also suspicious about Owens… which is probably a good indication that that is what we are supposed to be thinking right now.

SHEAMUS & CESARO vs. THE HARDY BOYZ- 6.75/10
Yes, Matt is back, with no build of any sort. Also, he’s magically on the other show now. If you were going to move one Hardy magically to the other show, why not move Jeff? You’d open up a spot in the SD main event scene for Owens, and you could use the Hardys to bolster Raw’s damaged tag team division rather than adding yet another team to the SD division for SanitY and Gallows & Anderson to take a back seat to.
Also… wasn’t Cesaro vs. Gargano advertised for this week?
The Hardys won a very good match that I honestly had no interest in. Sheamus & Cesaro were the only team the Hardyz worked with for any real period of time in the few months they were together after their return before Jeff got injured and then they were split up. Why did you not book the Hardys against SAnitY or Gallows & Anderson and give us the advertised Gargano vs. Cesaro match? Making a switch like this is not only both disappointing and also a bait-and-switch that should be avoided whenever possible, but in this particular case it makes clear that Sheamus & Cesaro are merely “the guys who are used to put over other teams” and are not to be looked at as players in the division. Sheamus & Cesaro losing to DIY one week, then Cesaro losing to Gargano the next is the beginning of a program. Sheamus & Cesaro losing to the new team one week and then to the other new team the next week is a sign.

ALEISTER BLACK & RICOCHET BACKSTAGE- head-shake-inducing.
This started off with Ricochet turning to Aleister and saying, “The Hardys have returned. Can you imagine the two of us in the ring with the two of them? Dude… that’d be awesome.”
Yeah. This isn’t going to go well.
Thankfully Black didn’t say anything in response, but that’s because he caught sight of Lana coming up to them to cut a promo on them on behalf of Rusev and Nakamura. Also, Lana seemed rather attracted to one of them. Verbally this was… probably the best it could have been, but the fact that they chose to do anything verbal here at all reveals that they are so stuck in their usual pattern that they can’t even conceive of deviating from it, which is problematic with both Aleister (who benefits much more from speaking rarely due to it cultivating an aura of mystique to the man himself and an air of importance to the few times he does speak) and Ricochet (who benefits from not talking because he’s not very good at it, and doesn’t need to do it to get over because of his insane athletic abilities in the ring. Combine that with how heavy-handed Lana’s criticism of them was (“you’re not a regular tag team and neither of you have ever been US Champion”) and it’s yet another sign that this company will forever be picking up square pegs and trying to shove them into round holes out of an insane insistence that the square holes must be defective rather than coming to the obvious conclusion that the square pegs go in the square holes and the round pegs go in the round ones. Actually- to force this metaphor even more- it’s even worse than that. In this particular case, Vince went over to Hunter’s board and pulled Hunter’s square pegs out of the square holes that Hunter had them neatly fitted into and can’t even figure out that if he’s going to put them on his board he needs to put them into the square holes like he saw that Hunter had them in.

R-TRUTH PROMO- The last time we saw R-Truth, he had just beaten two men and won a championship, at which point both of those men assaulted him to the point that he has missed an entire month of work. Now he’s back… and he’s just happily skipping and jumping and singing and doing comedy and doesn’t even bring it up once. Are we sure it was Mustafa Ali who got that concussion a few weeks ago and not Road Dogg? Because aside from the Miz/Shane story, the show appears to have jumped into an alternate reality about three weeks ago, with every single thing other than the rise of Kofi Kingston and their attempts to justify Mandy Rose getting a title shot being for the worse.

Anyway, Truth’s new comedy gimmick is that John Cena is his hero, so he is using Creative’s favorite crutch, the open challenge. Every bit of good done by Cena’s open challenge- Owens being called up and booked strongly, and guys like Cody getting to show they could do more than what WWE had been having them do over the past few years by having really good matches with Cena- has at this point been overshadowed by Creative’s CONSTANT use of the formula as a crutch to fill TV time with a supposedly-important title match rather than actually coming up with stories where a title is shown to be important and its prestige raised by being the prize in such a well-told story with a dramatic conclusion.

The open challenge was answered by Andrade. He got down to the ramp… and then Rey Mysterio’s music played and Rey ran down, knocked Andrade down from behind, and slipped into the ring. Andrade then tried to get into the ring as well but the referee stopped him because apparently the person who makes it to the ring first gets the open challenge not the person who comes out to accept it first. That’s kind of bullsh*t, don’t you think?
Rey actually seemed heelish here, stealing Andrade’s opportunity and then running away from him. Also, Rey’s mask has grown a Mohawk.
Wait… apparently the champion gets to choose. That’s stupid because it’s not really an open challenge if the champ can just wait for someone else to come out who he/she would rather defend against more than the first person who answered. It also makes you wonder why heels don’t do this all the time when someone else answers an open challenge. Carmella points out to him that Cena would defend against both at once, so that’s what Truth elects to do, resulting in a…

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE WWE UNITED STATES TITLE: R-Truth(c) (w/Carmella) vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Andrade “Cien” Almas (w/Zelina Vega)- 7/10
This was a GREAT match, mostly due to Rey and Almas. That’s going to seem mean to Truth and I don’t want to imply that he wasn’t an excellent base and didn’t hit all of his spots correctly, but Rey vs. Almas was where the action was and where the heat has. Truth rolling up Rey to retain was shocking, and not just because he got to pin Rey but also because I was certain he was losing the belt tonight.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- fine
Almas attack Rey from behind but Rey fought him off and send him packing. It’s nice to know that they haven’t forgotten about this feud after inexplicably ignoring it for three weeks.

CHARLOTTE FLAIR PROMO- excellent!
She contrasts herself with Ronda and Becky in wonderfully heelish ways and tells us all that she is going to show up on Raw next week because she fully expects Vince McMahon to name her the new Raw Women’s Champion, which she insists she deserves.

ALEISTER BLACK & RICOCHET vs. SHINSUKE NAKAMURA & RUSEV (w/Lana)- 6.75/10
A match I should have been a lot more into. It was freakin’ SHINSUKE NAKAMURA VS. TOMMY END!

KAYLA BRAXTON INTERVIEWS AJ STYLES- a GREAT babyface promo by AJ setting himself up as a potential WrestleMania challenger for Daniel Bryan in a story of redemption for his failure. Randy Orton dropped by to get in AJ’s face, then walked off.

LACEY EVANS SHOWS UP- Then she leaves.
Then we got a commercial. When we came back we got a quick 205 Live plug, then a Roman Reigns video recap, then Kofi making his entrance. Then we got another commercial… and by the time we got back BOTH THE WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION AND HIS NEXT CHALLENGER WERE ALREADY IN THE RING BECAUSE THEIR ENTRANCES WERE CUT FOR A COMMERCIAL.
During all of this the show went FOURTEEN STRAIGHT MINUTES WITH NOTHING HAPPENING!

KEVIN OWENS & KOFI KINGSTON vs. DANIEL BRYAN & ERICK ROWAN- 7/10
Big E. & Xavier did not come out with Kofi like they normally do. That seems like a big honking red flag.
So it turns out Owens didn’t turn on Kofi, and they worked together just fine. Then Owens pinned Bryan… with a Stunner?

So they just legitimized Owens’ claims to a title shot while also giving him Steve Austin’s finisher even though he is apparently Vince McMahon’s chosen one. I just… I… I have no idea what to think or say.

This was one hell of a weird episode of Smackdown. In the ring it was pretty good and there were some excellent promos, but so much of the surrounding material- the directional decision-making- was completely baffling. This is just SOOOOOOO weird. I would love to know what Vince & co. planning in all of this- to see if there actually is a method to their madness… but I’m worries that the method itself is so convoluted that having it explained to me would drive me insane as well, like hearing “the funniest joke in the world” from Monty Python.

[NWK2000]

The only thing I can think is that they're bumping Kofi's title shot (and maybe a title win?) to Mania, because they decided having Kofi win the title at Fastlane and then Daniel Bryan rematch for it isn't as impactful a storyline for their biggest show of the year. I'm not saying that that's true, I just get the feeling they want some sort of storyline to actually culminate at Mania.

[Big Red Machine]

The only thing I can think is that they're bumping Kofi's title shot (and maybe a title win?) to Mania, because they decided having Kofi win the title at Fastlane and then Daniel Bryan rematch for it isn't as impactful a storyline for their biggest show of the year. I'm not saying that that's true, I just get the feeling they want some sort of storyline to actually culminate at Mania.

I got the same feeling, but Owens being the guy Vince chose to replace him and then still being a babyface threw me for a loop. I'm realizing now that Owens has to be a babyface simply because they won't do heel vs. heel, but the whole situation is so awkward and clumsy because of how much of a take-off it is on the Becky thing.

I think the idea of pushing Kofi's win off until Mania is a mistake. It's best to strike while the iron is hot, and we don't quite know that Kofi's iron will stay hot for that long (Ryback and Ziggler both had clear "you could make this guy a top guy" periods that proved to be fleeting). Artificially stretching it out to conform to the corporate schedule also makes it feel less organic, which will probably hurt it.

Also, as I’m sure I said elsewhere, I like Wade Keller’s Kofi defends vs. Orton idea for WrestleMania a lot, and we get the “this is the culmination of all my hard work” babyface winning the world title at WrestleMania story all the time, so the idea of doing that story a month early and then doing this more unique story for WrestleMania really appeals to me.

[NWK2000]

The only thing I can think is that they're bumping Kofi's title shot (and maybe a title win?) to Mania, because they decided having Kofi win the title at Fastlane and then Daniel Bryan rematch for it isn't as impactful a storyline for their biggest show of the year. I'm not saying that that's true, I just get the feeling they want some sort of storyline to actually culminate at Mania.

I got the same feeling, but Owens being the guy Vince chose to replace him and then still being a babyface threw me for a loop. I'm realizing now that Owens has to be a babyface simply because they won't do heel vs. heel, but the whole situation is so awkward and clumsy because of how much of a take-off it is on the Becky thing.

Am I the only one who thinks KO's babyface antics are a disingenuous ruse? His vignettes "Oh, look at me, I buy pizza for my kids with their favorite toppings on it, just like any other dad!" strike me the same way as those videos of people donating money to homeless people, being virtuous and likable for the cameras to cover past sins, or deflect from current ones. . And maybe the McMahons are kayfabe in on it too? Maybe I'm reading too deeply into it, but I get that vibe from them.

[cero2k]

We're definitely heading into a Vince vs The Kids feud, Vince has been overruling everything the kids do.

[KILLdozer]

We're definitely heading into a Vince vs The Kids feud, Vince has been overruling everything the kids do.

Yep. Shane with Stephanie V Vince in a street fight.

[Serujuunin]

We're definitely heading into a Vince vs The Kids feud, Vince has been overruling everything the kids do.

Yep. Shane with Stephanie V Vince in a street fight.

If this ends up with Vince leaving forever, I’m all for it.

[KILLdozer]

We're definitely heading into a Vince vs The Kids feud, Vince has been overruling everything the kids do.

Yep. Shane with Stephanie V Vince in a street fight.

If this ends up with Vince leaving forever, I’m all for it.

If it ends up with you leaving forever....I'm all for it !

[Serujuunin]

Yep. Shane with Stephanie V Vince in a street fight.

If this ends up with Vince leaving forever, I’m all for it.

It it ends up with you leaving forever....I'm all for it !

No such luck, Dozer. I’m here for the long haul. Hell, I’m one of the original members of this forum!

[KILLdozer]

If this ends up with Vince leaving forever, I’m all for it.

It it ends up with you leaving forever....I'm all for it !

No such luck, Dozer. I’m here for the long haul. Hell, I’m one of the original members of this forum!

At this point the only ones left were all actually original members...

Except that one weird NWK guy...Idek what that's supposed to mean.

Oh-No Wrestling Kids!

[Serujuunin]

It it ends up with you leaving forever....I'm all for it !

No such luck, Dozer. I’m here for the long haul. Hell, I’m one of the original members of this forum!

At this point the only ones left were all actually original members...

Except that one weird NWK guy...Idek what that's supposed to mean.

Oh-No Wrestling Kids!

Hmm, it looks like you’re right.

Well, even more reason for me to stay! None of my friends IRL like wrestling so I need someone to talk to!

[KILLdozer]

*Brm talks about Shane McMahon's promo botches over and over again.*

*Brm also makes typo after typo in review after review, all week every week.*

[cero2k]

*Brm talks about Shane McMahon's promo botches over and over again.*

*Brm also makes typo after typo in review after review, all week every week.*

to be fair, I don't pay BRM millions of dollars to get his writing straight. Shane gets paid to talk and can't figure it out

[KILLdozer]

*Brm talks about Shane McMahon's promo botches over and over again.*

*Brm also makes typo after typo in review after review, all week every week.*

to be fair, I don't pay BRM millions of dollars to get his writing straight. Shane gets paid to talk and can't figure it out

Now THERE'S an idea!

[KILLdozer]

Yeah, The Kingston and Kevin Owens thing is obviously part of a greater WM story...it's just how they go about getting there.

Does The New Day go crazy and take out Owens ? Do they show up at Fast Lane and cause a no contest?

Is Owens actually "a really nice guy who gives Kingston the shot instead that he deserves?"

Probably not that last one, but I'm definitely curious.

[Big Red Machine]

*Brm talks about Shane McMahon's promo botches over and over again.*

*Brm also makes typo after typo in review after review, all week every week.*

to be fair, I don't pay BRM millions of dollars to get his writing straight. Shane gets paid to talk and can't figure it out

Now THERE'S an idea!

If I were getting paid to do this, I would definitely proofread things several times before posting to eliminate typos. But since I'm not, Dozer, if you would be so kind as to point the typos out to me, I will use my magical powers to edit them, as I do any time I find a typo in an old post of mine that hasn't been quoted by someone else.

[KILLdozer]

to be fair, I don't pay BRM millions of dollars to get his writing straight. Shane gets paid to talk and can't figure it out

Now THERE'S an idea!

If I were getting paid to do this, I would definitely proofread things several times before posting to eliminate typos. But since I'm not, Dozer, if you would be so kind as to point the typos out to me, I will use my magical powers to edit them, as I do any time I find a typo in an old post of mine that hasn't been quoted by someone else.

Do you know how long that would take?

Let me just sit here on my phone and point out every double word error and what not to you, piece by piece...

[Big Red Machine]

Now THERE'S an idea!

If I were getting paid to do this, I would definitely proofread things several times before posting to eliminate typos. But since I'm not, Dozer, if you would be so kind as to point the typos out to me, I will use my magical powers to edit them, as I do any time I find a typo in an old post of mine that hasn't been quoted by someone else.

Do you know how long that would take?

Let me just sit here on my phone and point out every double word error and what not to you, piece by piece...

Either help out or don't complain. If you'd like to do your own, typo-free reviews, I fully encourage that.

[KILLdozer]

If I were getting paid to do this, I would definitely proofread things several times before posting to eliminate typos. But since I'm not, Dozer, if you would be so kind as to point the typos out to me, I will use my magical powers to edit them, as I do any time I find a typo in an old post of mine that hasn't been quoted by someone else.

Do you know how long that would take?

Let me just sit here on my phone and point out every double word error and what not to you, piece by piece...

Either help out or don't complain. If you'd like to do your own, typo-free reviews, I fully encourage that.

I tried but no one answered! Stop rustling your jimmies and take a got-dang joke! Lol

[cero2k]

I tried but no one answered! Stop rustling your jimmies and take a got-dang joke! Lol

dude, we've done hundreds of reviews without a single response. we do it for the love of the art.