BRM Reviews the 1/29/2019 Smackdown (weird)

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Big Red Machine
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BRM Reviews the 1/29/2019 Smackdown (weird)

Post by Big Red Machine » Jan 30th, '19, 14:32

OPENING SEGMENT- Becky comes out and gets a huge pop. She cuts a great promo on the difference between herself and Ronda. Charlotte comes out and interrupts her. Charlotte was a condescending asshole, then took credit for Becky’s success. Becky dropped Charlotte with a punch and left. Charlotte got up and attacked Becky on the ramp. They brawled around. Road agents and referees came out to separate them but they still kept fighting. We got a small reminder of Becky’s knee injury.
In a vacuum this would have been a really great segment and I’m sure that these two are going to have an awesome match… but I’ve watching these two fight for five straight months now! It’s time for something different.

WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: Shinsuke Nakamura(c) vs. R-Truth (w/Carmella)- 3.25/10
Truth is being given this title shot because Nia robbed him of the #30 spot in the Royal Rumble that he earned via winning the Mixed Match Challenge. Okay. That makes some sense.
Most of this match took place during a commercial. Nakamura controlled 90% of it. The finish saw Truth reverse a Landslide with a cradle and get the pin, though it looked to me like Nakamura kicked out, and Truth and Nakamura kept doing spots for a few seconds afterwards.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- odd
Rusev & Lana came out (Lana’s foot is in a boot). Rusev cut a heel promo on Truth, then challenged him to defend the title right now. Lana and Carmella started telling at each other, at which point the babyface Carmella shoved an injured woman who had not done anything to her yet. Rusev and Truth started shoving each other, and apparently we’re getting another…

WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: R-Truth(c) (w/Carmella) vs. Rusev (w/Lana)- 0.5/10
Again, most of the match was during a commercial. Truth caught Rusev with a roll-up for the win.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- Nakamura came down the ramp and attacked Truth from behind. He rolled Truth into the ring, where Rusev also started to attack Truth, and Nakamura joined back in as well. The execution of this segment by the wrestlers was very good, but the decision-making on display here is jaw-dropping. THEY TURNED RUSEV BACK HEEL. HOW DUMB ARE THEY?!
Also, with Nakamura now losing the belt to babyface Truth, who is now feuding with both Nakamura and Rusev, I guess Mustafa Ali eliminating the US Champion from the Royal Rumble won’t lead to anything.

BECKY LYNCH IS LEAVING THE BUILDING- Kayla runs up to her and asks Becky why she “refused to let the medical staff examine you.” Becky responded by saying “I’m fine. I just don’t need to spend any more time on the shelf. This was fine, as they’re probably going to need a reason to keep Becky out of the ring to hold off on her match with Charlotte until the PPV.

R-TRUTH (& CARMELLA) IN THE TRAINER’S ROOM- Truth is clearly in a lot of pain but insists that he’s fine.

For anyone wondering whether or not they should see Fighting With My Family, a commercial that aired during Smackdown had a scene where a clearly teenage Paige has a homemade cardboard version of the f*cking BUTTERFLY BELT. Never mind the fact that she was already sixteen when that horrid thing was introduced, but even if she were younger, I really don’t see her as the Butterfly Belt type. Do you? That’s what I thought.

ZELINA VEGA DISTRACTS REY MYSTERIO SO ANDRADE “CIEN” ALMAS CAN ATTACK HIM- fine segment
Rey came out to the ring for unknown reasons. Vega then came out and said Rey got her barred from ringside last week because Rey is so distracted by her. This was all a distraction so that Almas could come out of the crowd and attack Rey. And it’s not like they were scheduled for a match or anything because Almas was wearing a suit. This was a paint-by-numbers heat-getting segment.

GALLOWS, ANDERSON, & RUSEV BACKSTAGE- very good
Anderson lectured Rusev about Rusev’s attack on R-Truth, so Rusev told him to go back to catering “and take your tall friend with you.” That made me laugh. Anderson suggested that they have a tag team match, at which point Nakamura just happened to show up and accept the challenge. The Club left, at which point Rusev told Nakamura “I will team with you one time. DO NOT screw me over.” This was all very good.

SHANE & MIZ HAVE A CHAMPIONSHIP CELEBRATION- boring as hell
Tom Phillips had the gall to call Shane & Miz’s victory last night “one of the biggest upsets in recent memory.” DUDE. We just saw comedy dork R-Truth beat SHINSUKE NAKAMURA and RUSEV in BACK-TO-BACK MATCHES WITH ALMOST NO TIME IN BETWEEN THEM!
Shane plays a video package for Miz, then brings out Miz’s dad. I’m calling it now: It’s an ambush. Miz and his dad beat Shane up, and we’re getting Mizanins vs. McMahons at WrestleMania. Or, even better, both men’s daddy issues boil over in odd ways and we’re getting Shane & Mr. Miz vs. Miz & Vince at Mania.
Okay, maybe not. They hug and Mr. Miz tells Miz that he loves him. Shane then announces that their next challenger will be determined in a…

KAYLA BRAXTON INTERVIEW WITH MANDY ROSE & SONYA DEVILLE- Hey! Don’t blame me! Shane said the match would start “right now” and the first team made their entrance and they went to a commercial break, and when they came back, this was on. Maybe the whole match happened during a commercial or something.
Mandy and Sonya “officially declare” that they will be in the Elimination Chamber Match to crown new WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions… and then a graphic pops up showing that they are officially in the match. WHAT?! Why do all of the teams on Raw have to win qualifiers and these two don’t? Didn’t the McMahons tell us that opportunities had to be “earned” from now on?
I’m certain the reason for this was because they only have ten active women on the SD roster (Lana is kayfabe injured and Maryse hasn’t been on TV in forever). They could make it eleven if they use Lacey Evans, but still can’t make it up to twelve unless they’re willing to let Nikki Cross be in two qualifiers, which hardly seems fair. But just the mere fact that they didn’t have enough women to fill out qualifying matches on both shows should have been a hint that maybe they don’t have enough women for this division to be a good idea.
Anyway, Mandy starts to cut this promo that I’m sure some people will accuse of stealing Scarlet Bourdeaux’s TNA gimmick but I think this was generic enough for that to not be a fair criticism. Mandy then claimed that the reason she has targeted Naomi is because when she was on Tough Enough, Naomi called her “weak” (which they showed footage of) and then allegedly said things off camera that were so mean that they made Mandy cry. And this crying caused Mandy to develop “a complex” that eventually led to her boyfriend breaking up with her. And because Naomi ruined her relationship, she made it her mission to ruin Naomi’s. Sure. I can go along with that.
Kayla points out that Mandy’s evil plan failed, but Mandy promises us that it’s not over. Uch. I wish it would be over so that they can move on to other things.

Well… it turns out I was wrong and match wasn’t over (even though that talking segment took quite a while). It hasn’t even started yet. The f*cking entrances aren’t even done yet.

#1 CONTENDERSHIP FOUR-WAY ELIMINATION MATCH: Heavy Machinery vs. Sheamus & Cesaro vs. the Usos vs. The New Day (w/Xavier Woods)- 7/10
Do we REALLY have to see some combination of the Bar/Usos/New Day EVERY time? Is there some rule that says that instead of the Bar and the Usos we can’t use SAnitY and the Colons?
They showed us Miz & Shane watching a wall-mounted TV while sitting on a couch in a room backstage, like normal people. Kevin Dunn must have been in the bathroom.

The first elimination was New Day getting eliminated by Heavy Machinery. I was not expecting that. Heavy Machinery continued to make a good showing of things until being eliminated by Sheamus & Cesaro. The Usos (who had been taken out by Sheamus & Cesaro on the outside) made a big comeback right before Heavy Machinery were eliminated and then hit their big stuff and beat Sheamus & Cesaro pretty quickly after that. Great match.

Backstage, we saw Daniel Bryan smack some sort of unidentifiable food item out of a Valued Backstage Crewmember™’s hand.

DANIEL BRYAN “CHANGES THE WWE CLIMATE”- Yes, that’s really what they called this.
Bryan brings out Erick Rowan, who is back to being an intellectual again, apparently. Bryan decided to throw the WWE World Heavyweight Title belt in the trash. No one seemed at all outraged by the thought of this. His reasons for doing this were because it’s got leather in it, because it as made with cheap labor, and because it’s “gaudy.” Saying that last one might not have been the best idea, simply because… he’s not wrong. The current design for the top men’s and women’s titles in WWE is pretty over the top.
Bryan tries to humanize the cow whose leather the belt is made from. I was waiting for Hunter or Steph to come out and refute his points, promising to bring payroll and tax records to show that the belt was made in-house with workers paid at higher than market rate, and claim that the cow in question was sick with cancer and so killing it in the humane way that they did put it out of its misery, etc.
While Bryan told his story, the fans politely thanked the cow in question (who Bryan named “Daisy”) for her contribution. To say that this segment didn’t work would be an understatement. The fans did gasp and then lightly boo when he threw the belt in the garbage… but then they began to chant “goodbye Daisy” and no wrestlers came out to try to stop Bryan or anything.
Bryan then pulled out a new title belt, which was the same as the old one, but made with wood and hemp and other materials. Is this more sustainable? Sure. Produced with fairer labor practices? Maybe. But it sure as hell wasn’t any less gaudy.
AJ Styles finally came out and said “what? Did you think I was gonna sit in the back and watch you throw the WWE Championship in the trash?” Um… AJ? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID! Then Randy Orton came out… and we just went to a commercial. By the time we came back from the commercial, AJ, Orton, and Jeff Hardy were all in the ring with Bryan and Rowan, and Mustafa Ali was on his way down to the ring. Thankfully Mustafa was kind enough to fill us in on what we missed in a rather natural way “I see a ring full of Hall-of-Famers arguing over where the line starts for the next title opportunity.” Ali was about to point out that he pinned Daniel Bryan clean in the middle of the ring about a month ago when Randy Orton interrupts him and says “didn’t you get beat up by a girl at the Royal Rumble, man?” I guess Randy never got the message about the Women’s Evolution.
Ali tried to talk again, but then got interrupted by Samoa Joe. Joe cut an AWESOME PROMO on everyone. That line on Jeff (“hey, why don’t you act like this is an AA meeting and shut your mouth while I’m sharing with the group!”) was F*CKING STIFF, and was MUCH better than any of the crap they wrote for him to say when they were actually trying to have these two feud over that kind of stuff.
Joe tried to head of Ali’s inevitable comment about having eliminated Joe from the Rumble, with a line of his own. He called Ali a “boy among men,” and in a wonderful moment of irony, Joe’s voice began to crack while saying “men.”
Bryan quietly slipped out of the ring when Joe got in it. Joe brought up AJ’s wife so AJ punched him, and then everyone started brawling. Bryan started to cut a promo on them while they brawled, saying that none of them deserved a title match. If anyone is wondering why other top names like Rey Mysterio and Andrade Almas and Big Show, or even someone at a lower level looking to make a name for himself didn’t come out to get involved in this… that’s because there are already six people there (plus Rowan) and Elimination Chamber is coming. Because why create a reason for there to be exactly five challengers when we can just have only five show up during the segment where everyone says they want a title shot?
Bryan’s promo was interrupted by Hunter appearing on the TitanTron and announcing an Elimination Chamber match at the Elimination Chamber PPV. The brawl continued and we went off the air. This segment was extremely clumsy, but I’m not quite sure I can say it was bad (and Joe was certainly worth going out of your way to see).


This was a wacky episode of Smackdown, following a wacky episode of Raw and a wacky Royal Rumble show. In the past three days, we’ve seen either rushed or out of nowhere turns from Charlotte, Elias, Rusev, Dana Brooke (who might have then also turned back), Sasha Banks (maybe), and about six different turns for Nia Jax. These are not actions that give me faith that this promotion has any well-thought-out idea where they want things to be for WrestleMania in just over two months.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

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