BRM Reviews the 12/25/2018 Smackdown

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- fine
R-Truth & Carmella came out in Christmas-themed costumes and did comedy and holiday stuff. It was better than I expected. Daniel Bryan comes out to expose that R-Truth is “not the real Santa Clause,” then calls the fans “FICKLE!” a bunch of times. Well… there goes all of the power Bryan had spent weeks giving that word. Now he’s yelling about materialism and the environment and oh my G-d I am already sick and tired of this one-note character. The character was so interesting that first week, but even since he brought the environmentalism into the character has lost all of that interest in favor of being a cartoon version of a militant environmentalist.
Bryan somehow actually got Truth to be serious for a good two straight minutes. Truth declared a dance break, so Bryan just jumped him and beat him up, destroying his knee. Carmella- a trained professional combat athlete, made zero effort to step in and defend Truth, even when Bryan was fully engaged in locking Truth in the heel hook and couldn’t have defended himself against Carmella stomping on him in her sharp high-heeled boots.


MUSTAFA ALI vs. ANDRADE “CIEN” ALMAS (w/Zelina Vega)- 6.75/10
Ali got another good win here, but the fact that the announcers never once mentioned him as being in line for a title shot when he PINNED THE WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION CLEAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING last week is not only insane, but exposes the fact that they don’t really have any intention of pushing him to that level. His pin over Bryan last week was just the same as everything else in this “fresh start” of theirs: an illusion. They’ll talk a big game and throw you what they think is a bone or two, but in several weeks’ time (you know… the kind of thing that is required in order to gauge if there has actually been any of the promised “change”), there still won’t be any substance to it.

SAMOA JOE PROMO- bad
He claims that Jeff is obsessed with him or some such bullsh8t that made Joe come off as delusional. A rare miss from Joe.

THE ENTRANCES IN A TAG TEAM MATCH MAKE BRM WANT TO PUNCH A HOLE IN HIS NEWLY-PAINTED WALLS- The Usos came out and Tom Phillips told us we’d be seeing an eight-man tag as we went to a commercial. Then, when we came back, Samoa Joe was cutting a promo from the locker room. This sort of thing drives me nuts. The two teams who got their entrances cut (Gallows & Anderson and SAnitY) already look bad enough if we have to cut their entrance for a commercial, but I am willing to accept that such things happen when you’re dealing with (kayfabe) live TV. But to have their entrances cut so someone else can talk? That makes them look even worse, and it’s even more frustrating because it’s completely avoidable. Why couldn’t they just stick Joe’s promo AFTER this match?
Anyway, when Joe is done talking, we now see The Usos, Gallows & Anderson, and SAnitY in the ring, with SAnitY’s music playing. Then New Day’s music plays and they come out. “Oh” I say to myself. “So it’s going to be New Day & SAnitY against The Club & The Usos? That should be fun.” WRONG!
Instead of getting into the ring, New Day go to their special commentary table. Then out come Sheamus & Cesaro, and we are told that they will be wrestling in this match, teaming with SAnitY. THEN WHY THE F*CK DID NEW DAY COME OUT BETWEEN THEM?! When you go to a baseball game they don’t announce the first six hitters in the lineup, then tell you who the manager is, then announce the last three guys, SO WHY THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING THAT HERE?! Why are you interrupting the introduction of the competitors in order to introduce non-competitors?!
I know this seems like a small and silly thing to get worked up over, but the reason it bothers me so much is that it hurts suspension of disbelief by serving as a reminder that this is all worked. The way WWE decides who gets their entrance shown or not is based on how big of a star they perceive you as. As far as tag teams go, The Usos are the second-biggest stars in the company, down only to New Day, so their entrance was shown before the commercial break in the hopes that you’d stick around. Samoa Joe is a bigger star than anyone in the tag team division, so they then put his promo building up his match with an even bigger star in Jeff Hardy right after the commercial break to tell anyone tuning in late that if they stick around, they’ll get to see Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Hardy. The reason that Gallows & Anderson and SAnitY got their entrances cut- and the reason we were only informed what type of match rather than also being told who was in when Tom was trying to convince us to stick around through the commercial break- is because WWE doesn’t think that they are stars. Then they sent our New Day because New Day are the biggest stars in the division, so WWE is trying to use the idea of hearing them do their obnoxious screaming on commentary as a draw to keep us around for this match that includes so many non-stars. Then, finally, the fourth team- the third-biggest stars in the division came out (last, because they’re the champions). The order of everything is so unnatural that it essentially points out the fact that this is all being manipulated, thus acting as a reminder that what we’re watching isn’t real, thus making it harder to lose yourself in the action and story.
Also, it completely baffles me that this company that is so worried about their ratings and drawing power does things like sticking this Joe promo where they did that bury some of their talent just to beg people to stay around to watch already-established stars instead of trying to present as much of the roster as possible as stars so that they’re not stuck relying on hoping that people are into whatever they’ve booked the tippy-top names to be doing because those guys/gals are the only stars.
Anyway, the match…

LUKE GALLOWS, KARL ANDERSON, & THE USOS vs. SHEAMUS, CESARO & SAnitY (w/Eric Young)- 5.75/10
We are told that there has been “a new fire infused into the tag team division” and that everyone is “scratching and clawing” their way for an opportunity. I see nothing different than what they’ve been doing for the past few years on this show. At the conclusion of the match, Tom Phillips insisted to us that “fresh faces are stepping up in the tag team division” even though everyone in this match has been on the Smackdown roster for the majority of the year.
Apparently last week SAnitY assaulted all of the babyfaces for no good reason, and then, once SAnitY left, Sheamus & Cesaro showed up and did the same. It’d be nice if they had showed some clips of this, or had any of the wrestlers wrestle in any sort of way that would make you think that this was something more than just a random eight-man tag. The action was fine, but I had no real reason to care. Gallows & Anderson got the win when Anderson pinned Cesaro. This win over the tag champs should be important, but at the same time, over the past two months we’ve seen two men pin the WWE World Heavyweight Champion in a tag team match (and pinning a tag champion in an eight-man tag is basically the same as pinning a singles champion in a tag match) and there has not even been any sort of talk about either of those men getting a title shot, so why should we think anything will happen for Gallows & Anderson after this win?

NXT CALL-UP VIDEO PACKAGES- These were the same video packages we got on last week’s Raw (and, I assume, on last week’s SD and this week’s Raw). If you want my thoughts on them, check there. What I will say here, though, is that the fact that they are just showing these same video packages over and over instead of having these people cut some sort of promo or do something to indicate any sort of direction makes me worry that they don’t actually have directions for any of them yet, and that bringing them up was a snap decision made because they knew they needed to provide the promised “fresh faces” so they just picked some people who felt kind of important but also wouldn’t screw up Hunter’s booking for WrestleMania season. With the exception of Lars Sullivan, I’d bet they all flounder and get lost in the shuffle, just like basically everyone they have called up since last year’s Mania other than Asuka, Nakamura, and Elias (you’d think Vince would love EC III, but I’d have said the same thing about Bobby Roode, and look how well his first fifteen months on the main roster have gone).

MUSTAFA ALI GETS CONGRATULATED BY ALL OF HIS BABYFACE CRUISERWEIGHT BUDDIES- Anyone remember when they told us that the Cruiserweights were all Raw wrestlers? So why are they allowed to be hanging out here on Smackdown? Yes, I know that they tape from the same building so them being there makes some amount of sense, but there is no 205 Live this week (just a best of show) so in kayfabe, their presence this week still makes no sense.
Also, Shelton Benjamin was there, and is apparently a babyface again. Raise your hand if you even remembered that Shelton was employed by WWE. Bryan attacked Ali from behind, but all of the Cruiserweights pulled him off. Then he attacked Ali again and shouted “YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE HERE” as they pulled him off again. Shelton apparently disappeared, so I’m not even sure what the purpose of his being here was.

MIZ TV WITH SPECIAL GUEST SHANE MCMAHON- well… at least this stupid sh*t finally went somewhere.
Miz brought out Shane, who said a bunch of buzzword and catchphrase-filled bullsh*t that had me hoping this segment would end with Miz shoving that stupid Best in the World trophy the whole way up Shane’s ass. You say that you’re going to listen to us the WWE Universe and let us “shape the narrative” (yes, he actually said “shape the narrative”)? Well we want you and your announcers and your wrestlers to stop speaking in buzzwords and branding department lingo and start speaking like normal human beings and saying things that have some actual substance to them.
The segment continued in an obnoxious manner until. Miz told Shane a sob-story that also appealed to Shane’s massive ego in order to get Shane to finally agree to be his tag team partner.

RUSEV & LANA PROMO- decent build for tonight’s US Title match against Nakamura.

SAMOA JOE vs. JEFF HARDY- 6/10
This was a good match until the stupid finish, which saw Jeff Hardy apparently get disqualified for kicking Joe too many times up against the barricade. They essentially did a DQ for not breaking when the opponent was in the ropes… except without the ropes there. WHAT THE F*CK?!
And I say “apparently” Jeff was disqualified because we never got any sort of actual announcement of what the finish was. Based on where they were, a double count-out would have made the most sense, except that as I noted above, this was executed like a DQ for not breaking in the ropes. This whole thing is so f*cking stupid. There was an infraction committed that was severe enough to cause the referee to end the match, and they’re not even going to tell us what it was? Can you imagine watching an NFL game and there is a flag on a play and the referee picks the ball up and places it back ten yards from the previous line of scrimmage, declares it to still be second down, and tells them to start playing again without there ever being any sort of announcement or even hint as to what the penalty was and who committed it?
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- bad
Jeff kept beating Joe up but Joe made a comeback and choked Jeff out. This was SOOOO dumb. Isn’t the whole point of the stupid non-finish so that Jeff doesn’t have to actually lose? So then why the hell would you then have Joe go and choke him out anyway?

SHINSUKE NAKAMURA PROMO- fine

JOHN CENA WILL BE ON SMACKDOWN NEXT WEEK- he’s a part-timer now, so does anyone really care?

JIMMY USO IS ACCOSTED BY MANDY ROSE (W/SONYA DEVILLE) UNDER A CONVENIENTLY-PLACED SPRING OF MISTLETOE- Jimmy flatly rejected Mandy’s advances. Naomi then showed up and threw things at Mandy. Jimmy had to hold her back, but the heels left anyway. Jimmy calmed Naomi down, then they made out under the mistletoe. This was a perfectly fine segment, but it was just… wacky. This mistletoe was hung in such a weird place, and Mandy’s sudden entrance made me thinks she was waiting there all day until Jimmy showed up.
A better way to do this would have been to have Sonya be the one doing the filming at Mandy’s behest. We would see Mandy putting up the mistletoe near Gorilla after The Usos’ match has ended, so that Mandy- and Naomi- would both know where Jimmy was and would have a reason to be heading towards him. I also think Naomi’s anger would have come across more effectively in a camera shot where she is facing the camera, which this set-up would let us have. It also avoids having to rely on WWE’s magical “just pretend they’re not there” cameras.

WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Shinsuke Nakamura(c) vs. Rusev (w/Lana)- 7.5/10
GREAT match! Rusev won the title. Finally something nice and happy happened.

AJ STYLES & VINCE MCMAHON BACKSTAGE- bad
Vince wants to know who AJ Styles is. That's not a good question for Vince to be asking. He then wants AJ to tell him why neither AJ nor Bryan wrestled tonight? Is Vince senile? They didn't wrestle tonight BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BOOK THEM, YOU OLD FART!
Vince then launched into a pointless speech that had AJ just as confused as me. This was Vince performing his one-man show for AJ up close and personal, showing off his ability to engage in the refined craft of ACTING. Then Vince slapped AJ, so AJ punched Vince in the face. This was Vince trying to do a pointless Vince McMahon segment with AJ Styles, like he was trying to give AJ some sort of rub. It was awkward and wacky and out of place and completely unnecessary, and is the kind of thing that really worries me about Vince now being a TV character again.

A very meh episode of Smackdown, but at least the title change was good.

[KILLdozer]

I said that about Bryan days ago after seeing some FB video about on their site.

[KILLdozer]

It's the same thing I've been saying from the very beginning. They CAN NOT handle something like this.

CAN NOT. That's why it's all already nothing's but buzzwords and hype up repeated until they're fuckin' crazy slogans.

I'm not even gonna type what they're calling him because it's already become so annoying. I

[KILLdozer]

You're not gonna see Carmella attacking Bryan on WWE TV...WTF kinda eggnog are you drinking ?

[Big Red Machine]

You're not gonna see Carmella attacking Bryan on WWE TV...WTF kinda eggnog are you drinking ?

But there is no logical reason she shouldn't. Hence the problem.

[KILLdozer]

You're not gonna see Carmella attacking Bryan on WWE TV...WTF kinda eggnog are you drinking ?

But there is no logical reason she shouldn't. Hence the problem.

You just can't do that in WWE LOL.

No women attacking men or vice versa...wait a minute...there was that Brie Bella thing but felt rare.

[cero2k]

You just can't do that in WWE LOL.

No women attacking men or vice versa...wait a minute...there was that Brie Bella thing but felt rare.

going by Mixed Match Challenge, women CAN attack men, just not the other way around

[KILLdozer]

You just can't do that in WWE LOL.

No women attacking men or vice versa...wait a minute...there was that Brie Bella thing but felt rare.

going by Mixed Match Challenge, women CAN attack men, just not the other way around

Never really seen it, but it just feels like it's almost some sort of taboo that just doesn't happen...

Which is kinda ridiculous in a way, fuck it, just have everyone kick each other's ass. It's all about a correct agenda though and an example.

[Big Red Machine]

You just can't do that in WWE LOL.

No women attacking men or vice versa...wait a minute...there was that Brie Bella thing but felt rare.

going by Mixed Match Challenge, women CAN attack men, just not the other way around

Never really seen it, but it just feels like it's almost some sort of taboo that just doesn't happen...

Which is kinda ridiculous in a way, fuck it, just have everyone kick each other's ass. It's all about a correct agenda though and an example.

The problem is as follows: they don't want men attacking women because of optics, but they also want women attacking men so that they look tough, but they know they can't do too much of it or you wind up in a WCW sort of situation where everyone knows the man isn't allowed to fight back and so the woman looks like a bully for attacking someone who isn't allowed to fight back, so what they do is basically cherry-pick when they want it to happen, but in doing so, the times that it doesn't happen makes the woman look bad, and their best effort to cover it up is the typical WWE "just don't mention it and hope no one notices." It's not just lazy, but it's a particular kind of laziness that exposes one of the biggest problems in WWE's storytelling philosophy, which is that instead of trying to figure out how to answer a problem within the rules that they have set up, they think they can just adjust the rules as needed on a segment by segment basis to make whatever they want to do at the moment work. I'll get more into this when I unleash my rant about the women's tag titles, but in this case the problem is that the women are portrayed as tough, empowered warriors... until there comes a segment where WWE needs them to not be that, whether for a storyline purpose (Candice's bump in the Ciampa/Gargano angle) or for a structural purpose like right here (if Carmella is a tough, empowered warrior then this would be two-on-one advantage babyfaces, with Bryan not being allowed to hit one of them, so there is very little reason that Carmella shouldn't at the very least be able to save R-Truth when he's locked in the heel hook, but that's not what they want to have happen so all of a sudden she is a helpless damsel).

[Big Red Machine]

Did they mention the women's tag titles announcement on this show? Also, did they ever mention what city they were in? I know it was taped right after last week's show, but I'm curious as to whether or not they even acknowledged that the show was done in the same building (never mind with the same fans wearing the same clothing).