BRM Reviews Smackdown 1000 (everything you feared it would be)

[Big Red Machine]

SMACKDOWN 1000 OPENING VIDEO- You know what? Props to them for including some of the moments that are really more infamous than they are famous, like Edge and Vickie in bed or Bossman stealing Big Show’s father’s casket.

Many rows back there is a sign that reads “Pritchard Owns Meltzer.” Really, WWE? Bruce spreads all of this propaganda for you and you still can’t even comp him a seat farther up than the fifteenth row?

TRUTH TV- Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Less than a month ago Paige told Miz he had to wrestle Truth for the rights to the SD talk show and Miz beat Truth clean. Why is Truth still allowed to do his talk show? Silly or not, stipulations are stipulations and you need to hold to them. Even Carmella agrees with me, and she is one of the hosts of the show.
Their guest is Steph. This is going to be a long night, isn’t it? Steph starts talking… and here comes Shane. You know what? This night just got shorter. I’m fast-forwarding through this. I will deal with one of these two in a stupid fluff segment, but not both. Someone let me know if either one of them explains why they never show up to work.
I skipped through what I assume was forced, pointless, inane, and childish banter. Now here comes Vince. Now everyone is dancing. Now there is a graphic for SHINSUKE NAKAMURA VS. REY MYSTERIO JR. on my TV screen. This ten minutes would have been much better served by being given to that match.

THE USOS vs. AJ STYLES & DANIEL BRYAN- 7/10
Usos win, pinning Bryan after Bryan and AJ have a miscue. Perfectly fine booking.

With no sound, we were shown Paige talking to Vicky Guerrero. Then they randomly started dancing. Then Teddy Long jumped into the frame and started dancing as well. Then Johnny Ace meandered into the frame and also started dancing. Even worse, Johnny didn’t seem to care one iota about the fact that this step-son-in-law just lost. Also, for the record, we are now half an hour into the show and have only been shown four people wrestling, but we have been shown nine people dancing. Also, dancing segments outnumber wrestling segments by a 2:1 ratio.
To make this even more annoying, we were then shown a graphic announcing that Sheamus &U Cesaro would be getting another tag title shot tonight and were told that “the other general managers have given Paige a great idea.”
1. This is not a “great idea.” It pointlessly devalues a title by giving these guys a title shot after they just lost cleanly in a title match that “earned” by coming really close but never actually winning multiple consecutive #1 contendership tournaments.
2. How about instead of showing us the GMs dancing, show us them convincing Paige to give Sheamus & Cesaro this shot. You know… something actually relevant to this wrestling show whose 1000th episode we’re supposed to be celebrating?

EVOLUTION REUNION- They talked a lot, blah blah blah. They all love each other and isn’t SD 1000th so great? Orton and Batista tease tension but we all know it won’t lead to anything and they all hug in the end after wasting eleven minutes of everyone’s time verbally sucking each other’s dicks. At no point did they announce a Batista vs. Lesnar singles match, so I did not care about anything they said.
After this we got a graphic telling us that The Undertaker would be here tonight. The very same Undertaker current feuding with Triple H. Maybe it’s just me, but I think a better use of this time might have been to have Undertaker use his magical powers to beat up Hunter’s pals rather than a public circle-jerk.

WWE WORLD CUP QUALIFYING MATCH: The Miz vs. Rusev (w/Lana)- DUD!
Both guys’ entrances were cut so we could focus on a Tweet sent out by someone who couldn’t even be bothered to show up to the big reunion show in person. The match lasted a grand total of forty-three seconds. For comparison, they spent almost half of that amount of time talking about The Rock’s Tweet. Miz won when Aiden English ran out and grabbed Rusev’s ankle, distracting him and allowing Miz to roll him up for the pin.
Kurt Angle provided guest commentary for this match. At least Kurt’s presence here theoretically built up a possible match-up we could see later in the tournament.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- bad
Lana kicked Aiden English in the nuts, then Rusev beat him all around the ringside area. This post-match beating went just two seconds shy of the length of the match itself, and served only to completely dissipate whatever heat Aiden just got for costing Rusev this match. The beating seemed to still be in progress, but apparently someone decided it was more important for us to see…

EDGE & CURT HAWKINS BACKSTAGE- Isn’t Hawkins on the other show? And before you ask me why I am picking that nit on this particular show, let me point out that this went a grand total of eleven seconds, and in those eleven seconds they managed to note two things: 1) this is an Edge-head Reunion, except that 2) Zack Ryder isn’t there. They wanted to do an Edge-head reunion so badly that they stuck it on our TV without any sound (the announcers were doing a voiceover for it) and brought over one guy who isn’t even supposed to be allowed to appear on this show… but they didn’t bring the other guy from the stable who is both more popular than Hawkins and a bigger star?

THE CUTTING EDGE WITH SPECIAL GUESTS BECKY LYNCH & CHARLOTTE FLAIR- mostly good
Yup. We’re doing a SECOND talk show segment tonight. Edge claims that “it doesn’t get more huge than Smackdown 1000. Really? How about WrestleMania, the “Grandest Stage of Them All?” Or even the first-ever all-women’s PPV? Hell, based on what we’ve been given so far, I’d argue that any one of WWE’s monthly PPVs is bigger than Smackdown 1000, like for example, the next one, WWE Crown Jewel, which will take place live from *REDACTED*.
Edge brought Becky out, and as Becky was making her way to the ring, the camera focused on a sign declaring Becky to be “The Queen-Slayer.” G-d dammit, everyone! How many times do I have to tell you: DO NOT ENCOURAGE THE SETH/BECKY SHIPPERS. This is PRO WRESTLING! We only allow Jeff Hardy/Trish pairings and slash-fic.
Edge tried to convince Becky that selling your soul for championships will make you sad in the end. His delivery was phenomenal, but I found the whole thing dulled by the fact that every time we see Edge he seems completely happy and is friends with all of his old wrestling buddies… even the ones he turned on.
Becky gave the expected heel reply to Edge and told him to get out of her ring and to “be careful you don’t hurt your neck going through those ropes.” This brought out Charlotte to cut a promo on Becky, then just speared her. I liked the way they set this up, with Becky facing Charlotte the whole time but letting her guard down because she was being cocky and posing with the title, being made to pay for her hubris. They had a brawl that was broken up by Finlay and Jamie Noble and a third guy (I assume it was Adam Pearce but I didn’t get a good look). This is a night where we are celebrating Smackdown’s past (and also celebration Evolution, apparently), but of course neither Finlay nor Noble were acknowledged.



WWE SMACKDOWN TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: The New Day(c) (w/Kofi Kingston) vs. Sheamus & Cesaro- 6.75/10
New Day gave up their usual stupid gimmick announce table seats so that their match could be called by the team of JERRY LAWLER & BOOKER T. So this is a heel turn for New Day, right?
Lawler claimed that “Sheamus has never seen a belt that he won’t hit below.” I really hope this is true and at some point in this match, Sheamus just hops down off the apron and punches Lawler in the nuts.
They had a tag team match that was getting pretty good until the finish, which saw the team that always loses finally win the tag titles after Big Show came out and randomly turned heel. Also…

Dear New Day,
You always encourage people to eat pancakes, and tonight I finally gave in and ate some. In this match you lost your Smackdown Tag Team Titles. I hope you have learned your lesson and will return to focusing on preparing for your wrestling matches instead.
Sincerely,
Big Red Machine

JOHN CENA SELFIE PROMO- In this promo Cena became possibly the very first person aside from myself to even reference Big Dave’s time as “Deacon Batista” on Smackdown.

WWE WORLD CUP QUALIFYING MATCH: Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Shinsuke Nakamura- 6.75/10
Like I said before, this would have benefited from those additional ten minutes. This was a good strong win for Rey in his return that even gives him something to do (challenge for the US Title) when someone else inevitably wins the WWE World Cup.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- The Undertaker showed up and I guess he magically made Rey and Nakamura disappear. Taker then said as follows “At Crown Jewel I’ve got three words for D-X: rest in peace.” That was all he said.

This was a very bad episode of Smackdown. I think it’s quite telling that WWE’s way of “celebrating” Smackdown is not to give fans a top-notch episode of the show or even to do things that call back to fans’ favorite moments in the show’s history like Raw 1000 managed to do. It was just WWE taking time away from the product they were supposedly celebrating to pat themselves on the back over and over for their great accomplishment.



But yeah. Smackdown is in my neck of the woods next week so I’ll probably be going. Yay Smackdown.

[Big Red Machine]

But yeah. Smackdown is in my neck of the woods next week so I’ll probably be going. Yay Smackdown.

Section 2, Row 12. My planned sign will be "Big Red Machine" on one side and "Becky is the heel. You should be booing her" on the other. Unless anyone has any better suggestions.

[Bob-O]

Unless anyone has any better suggestions.

"Book Flip!"

[Big Red Machine]

Unless anyone has any better suggestions.

"Book Flip!"

More like "Don't Book Flip."

(If this was Raw I would definitely bring an FTYBR sign, though.)

[cero2k]

But yeah. Smackdown is in my neck of the woods next week so I’ll probably be going. Yay Smackdown.

Section 2, Row 12. My planned sign will be "Big Red Machine" on one side and "Becky is the heel. You should be booing her" on the other. Unless anyone has any better suggestions.

do one that says "Waffles > Pancakes" for the New Day.


also, you didn't mention it in the EVOLUTION reunion review, but the big deal there was teasing Hunter vs Batista with Batista's last line saying that Triple H had never beaten him.

[Big Red Machine]

But yeah. Smackdown is in my neck of the woods next week so I’ll probably be going. Yay Smackdown.

Section 2, Row 12. My planned sign will be "Big Red Machine" on one side and "Becky is the heel. You should be booing her" on the other. Unless anyone has any better suggestions.

do one that says "Waffles > Pancakes" for the New Day.


also, you didn't mention it in the EVOLUTION reunion review, but the big deal there was teasing Hunter vs Batista with Batista's last line saying that Triple H had never beaten him.

I didn't think it was that relevant because I have no faith it will lead to anything.

[KILLdozer]

"Fire Saxton"