Once again, we have absolutely no comment on Kane switching brands. Kane and Bryan argued, but it was actually over relevant stuff this time, as Bryan brought up all of the terrible things Kane has done to him. Yes, I realized that it was just a set-up or them to shout “YES!” and “NO!” at each other, but I appreciated it because it was basically the “conversations” I often have with the announcers when they make some goofy claim that “Bayley and Sasha have always been the best of friends” and I shout “what about that time in NXT when they hated each other” at my TV.
The Usos showed up and said that Team Hell No have done nothing to deserve the title shot they have been given. The Usos are completely correct. Even better, they did this while burying Team Hell No’s hugging gimmick. Bryan offered them a match right now if they think they can beat them. Now he and Kane are rehashing their greatest “hits” from 2013. This is painful. Paige came out and made that match the main event, with the stipulation that if The Usos win, they’ll be added to the title match on the PPV. Being a babyface GM in the WWE, Paige somehow manages to escape this kerfuffle without any actual criticism of her own hypocritical decision-making.
JEFF HARDY PROMO- wacky, but good. Jeff’s patriotic facepaint is utterly terrifying.
ASUKA PROMO- bad, but it’s not her fault. The stuff they gave her was dumb and random.
WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Jeff Hardy(c) vs. The Miz- 6.75/10
Jeff is doing an open challenge because
Upon close examination, Jeff Hardy’s face-paint looks more like the British flag than the American one. TREASON!
The match was very good up until the finish, which saw Miz put his feet on the ropes and just assume he had won the title even though the referee never counted three and, in fact, yelled at Miz about his feet being on the ropes instead. Miz, like an absolute moron then followed Charles Robinson around the ring, arguing with him, thus giving Jeff enough time to recover so Jeff could hit his finishers and win.
JAMES ELLWORTH BACKSTAGE- insert my entire rant from the last time they did this dumb sh*t with Ellsworth wrestling a woman.
NEW DAY HAVE A PANCAKE EATING CONTEST- I fast forwarded through this on principle, but stopped when I saw them getting attacked by SAnitY. How could anyone’s reaction at seeing SAnitY obliterate these pancake-obsessed goofballs be anything other than laughter?
JAMES ELLSWORTH vs. ASUKA- DUD!
Ellsworth ran away so Asuka chased after him and they both got counted out, keeping the streak of non-finishes in big top of the hour matches alive because even in James Ellsworth vs. Asuka we can’t get an actual finish.
Carmella was on commentary. When Ellsowrth ran back to the ring, she shoved Asuka into the barricade.
BRYAN & KANE BACKSTAGE- fine
They get past all of their issues from the past. Hooray!
They announced Jeff vs. Nakamura for the US Title even though Jeff hasn’t done sh*t to earn it.
AJ & RUSEV EXCHANGE PROMOS- good
AJ STYLES vs. AIDEN ENGLISH- 4/10
Rusev distracted AJ right after the bell rang so that Aiden could jump him. AJ won.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- very good
Rusev assaulted AJ after the match, then locked him in the Accolade.
IICONICS SELFIE PROMO- good
These two are allowed to do selfie promos. No one else should be doing them.
ASUKA, ELLSWORTH, & PAIGE BACKSTAGE- bad
Paige books Ellsworth vs. Asuka in a Lumberjill Match for next week. So basically we’re now stacking the deck against the heel? That seems backwards.
BECKY LYNCH vs. PEYTON ROYCE (Billie Kay)- 2.5/10
NAKAMURA SELFIE PROMO ABOUT GETTING A US TITLE MATCH- good
He asks “Why does Jeff Hardy paint his face? Is he a clown? Is he insane? Is he ashamed?”
Nakamura clearly needs to up his scouting game, as it’s pretty obvious that the answer to this question is #2.
They hyped up The Rock’s new movie, “Skyscraper,” and if I’m bringing up one of Dwayne’s movies, you know it’s only to make fun of it. Normally I would just ignore them but this one cannot be ignored. Why? Because they finally did it: Someone actually made “Die Hard in an office building.”
IF THE USOS WIN, THEY GET ADDED OT THE SMACKDOWN TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH AT EXTREME RULES: The Usos vs. Team Hell No- 7.5/10
HOLY F*CK A CLEAN FINISH IN A MAIN EVENT!
Team Hell No won. The Bludgeon Brothers came out to have a stare-down with them afterwards. A meh episode of Smackdown. It really mostly felt like filler. But at least we got a main event with a real finish.