SHANE MCMAHON & BRYAN TALK ABOUT THE MAIN EVENT- bad
Shane says he doesn’t think that Owens or Zayn deserve a title shot but Bryan does. Then he calls Bryan out to talk about it. Shane starts on one of his grand speeches about how it’s all about the fans and Smackdown is the “Land of Opportunity” and thus when the fans indicate that they think someone deserves an opportunity, it’s up to him and Bryan to give them that opportunity. Really, Shane? Because I seem to remember the fans chanting “WE WANT LANA!” for months, and then when she showed up and asked for a title, you shot her down and gave her a lecture. Is that also why Rusev (who the fans immediately chanted for here) has been doing nothing for months while f*cking Jinder Mahal has been in main events? And aside from Rusev and AJ, Owens and Zayn are the two most over guys on the show, and yet you are objecting to one of them getting a title shot even though they have a legitimate grievance.
Shane says that Bryan isn’t listening to the fans… except that Owens and Zayn get more cheers than most of the rest of the roster. Shane says that it’s not fair that Bryan is giving the same two guys a lot of opportunities in a row. As opposed to Shane, who has spent months on end booking the same gigantic clusterf*ck #1 contendership matches in the women’s and tag team divisions.
Shane once again is completely unable to recognize the fact that these two have a legitimate grievance: the non-legal wrestler was pinned. As we saw in the tag title match a few weeks ago, that makes any finish that may have happened in that match immaterial.
Bryan is done trying to explain this to Shane like he’s a reasonable person and instead just jumps to pointing out the things about his decision that Shane should like from his biased outlook. Shane once again simply said that he doesn’t understand why Bryan keeps giving them opportunities.
At this point I started screaming at the top of my lungs. I don’t think there has ever been a moment in my life when I wished I had the ability to reach into the TV more than I do right now because there is nothing I want more right now than to be able to reach into that TV and choke Shane with both hand while screaming "HOW F*CKING STUPID ARE YOU?! WHAT IS THERE NOT TO UNDERSTAND?!” right his stupid f*cking face.
Now Shane is talking to Bryan like Bryan is too dumb to understand that Owens & Zayn aren’t being sincere with their “Yep Movement” stuff and are only trying to manipulate him. I honestly don’t understand how Bryan deals with this man every week. I just don’t. Shane is coming off like a complete and total idiot here. He is essentially accusing Bryan of not being able to think on a higher level, and yet the reality is that Bryan is thinking on a level above the one that Shane is on and thus Shane is only able to see foolishness and an all black-and-white worldview when in reality Bryan is acting with nuance.
Bryan finally basically says to Shane “okay, if you’re so smart, explain to me what you think my mindset is.” Shqane says he thinks that Bryan is living vicariously through Owens and Zayn. Before Bryan gets to respond, AJ Styles comes out, seemingly just to prevent Bryan from answering so that the thought can hang in our heads.
AJ says he’s sick and tired of this sh*t. Preach on, brother AJ! AJ tells them to keep out of tonight’s main event because them being involved always somehwoe winds up screwing him. AJ leaves… and then the segment just ends, even though Shane and Bryan’s conversation was clearly not finished.
Instead, they sent us backstage o New Day playing with pancakes and futzing around on their phones because apparently they are going to be doing a Twitter Q&A during this show. Someone should ask them why we’re supposed to give a sh*t about that. Also, someone should ask Xavier why he is wearing a t-shirt endorsing Aaron Burr.
AJ & NAKAMURA BACKSTAGE- Nakamura tells AJ he’s going to beat him at WrestleMania. If he keeps doing that every week, he’s going to turn himself heel.
CHARLOTTE FLAIR vs. LIV MORGAN (w/the Riott Squad)- 4/10
To hype this match up, the announcers kept talking about there being “rumors” that “Charlotte asked for this match,” saying that it seems foolish to take the match because these three beat her up three-on-one last week, but also saying that if she did ask for it, then Charlotte probably “has a plan.”
1) WHO GIVES A SH*T?!
2) If I’m supposed to worry that she might be being “too proud” and thus might have “bitten off more than she can chew,” then pushing to me that she probably “has a plan” kills the suspense.
Liv tried to point at the WrestleMania sign but she missed and accidentally pointed at one of the turnbuckles, so in order to save face she rammed Charlotte’s head into that turnbuckle. You know what? On second thought, she might have just mean to point at the turnbuckle in the first place.
Liv used a distraction to cut Charlotte off. Ruby and Sarah eventually got ejected from ringside, and Charlotte won with the Figure Eight soon thereafter. No Charlotte biting off more than she could chew and no plan either… so what was the point of any of that?
RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS KEVIN OWENS- they’re teasing the Owens/Zayn break-up hard.
THE BLUDGEON BROTHERS vs. TWO JOBBERS- no rating, good squash.
They need to start doing something real with these guys now.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- My prayers have been answered.
The Usos came out to have a stare-down with them.
USOS PROMO- pointless
They says that last week they came out here to explain to us what “Day One-ish” means, and tonight they are going to explain to us what “being on lockdown” means. So have we all been misunderstanding everything they have said for the past year?
Wait… no. It means exactly what we all figured it meant. So this was really just a giant waste of time.
THIS WEEKS TOP TEN LIST:
10. Tye Dillinger
9. Randy Orton
8. Becky Lynch
7. The Usos
6. The New Day
5. Bobby Roode
3. Shinsuke Nakamura
2. Charlotte Flair
1. AJ Styles
So… of the people on the “you deserve an opportunity” list, number five had a match, number two had a match number seven got to cut promos, numbers six got booked to do a Twitter Q&A, and the other half of the list- including the number one guy- was not booked to do anything at all.
Both Graves and Byron immediately buried the list, with Byron calling it “a popularity contest.”
NEW DAY ARE STILL NF*CKING AROUND BACKSTAGE WITH PANCAKES- why?
AIDEN ENGLISH PHONE PROMO- very good. And even better, shooting this one on the phone actually made sense because the point of it was for us to see Rusev working out at the gym in the background.
WWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH: Bobby Roode(c) vs. Rusev (w/Aiden English)- 6.25/10
Very disappointing, considering the talent involved. Roode won, so Rusev once again stays on the undercard.
POST-MATCH SEGMENT- RKOs all around.
BENJAMIN & GABLE MAKE FUN OF THE FASHION FILES- excellent… aside from the f*cking words on the screen. And the “weapons of tag destruction” line.
CHAD GABLE & SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. THE ASCENSION- 3.5/10
EVEN MORE OF NEW DAY F*CKING AROUND BACKSTAGE- how could anyone possibly find this to be entertaining or think these guys are cool after watching this?
RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS SAMI ZAYN- once again, they’re pushing the idea of a split.
Dolph Ziggler will wrestle Baron Corbin next week. Once again, absolutely no comment has been made about his sudden return to the show after vacating the US Title and walking out after TLC.
#1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH: Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn- 7.75/10
AJ Styles came out to do commentary. These guys were well on their way to having an awesome match but then Sami Zayn started to yell at AJ so AJ attacked them both for the double DQ. Bryan came out and announced that the match at Fast Lane would be a Triple Threat match. I think we all knew that this was coming, and while I’d have rather had something like a double-pin finish, doing it this way does a bit more to force Owens & Zayn back on the same page for now.
Another week, another bad episode of Smackdown.
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