BRM Reviews the 4/4/2017 Smackdown

[Big Red Machine]

The first thing out of JBL’s mouth was that tonight would be “Bizarro World.” He gives the annoying disclaimer full of lies. I thought maybe after getting through my rage last night I would be numb to it tonight but hearing them beg those watching at home to please ignore who the crowd cheers and boos still absolutely f*cking infuriates me.

OPENING SEGMENT-
Randy Orton comes to brag about his title win. Bray Wyatt uses magic to take over the Titan Tron. Umm… wasn’t Randy stabbing Sister Abigail with that Crucyx supposed to take away Bray’s magical powers? Then how is he doing this? And, come to think of it, how did he do his stupid maggot bullsh*t on the ring last night? Or maybe Sister Abigail was never the source of Bray’s power and Randy burned Bray’s house down for nothing.
Bray cuts a promo saying he’s going to f*ck with Randy’s head and make him change his world view and torture him but he’s Bray Wyatt so I don’t give a f*ck because nothing he says ever remotely means anything. He says something about a new match and about how “at the end of the night, one of us will be sentenced to eternal damnation.” So are they having a “Loser Goes To Hell Match” or something?
It’s going to be a “House of Horrors Match.” Wait… wasn’t that the match from Halloween Havoc that one year in the early 90’s where you won by strapping your opponent into an electric chair and electrocuting him?
Randy Orton then said the following words: “I don’t know what a House of Horrors Match is, Bray, but I accept your challenge.” What a dumbf*ck. This Bray Wyatt we’re talking about. The rules of the match could be that you can only win by magically teleporting, and the loser gets fed to alligators. You NEVER accept a match without knowing the stipulations, especially with your title on the line.

Randy wants Bray to come out here and fight him so Bray magics himself into the ring behind Randy… with a microphone in his hand… then is kind enough to tell Randy he is here and let Randy turn around before trying to attack him. Well if you were going to be a good sport then why didn’t you just teleport in front of him?
Erick Rowan is back in a new, deformed sheep mask. I don’t give a f*ck because Erick Rowan has been proven to be nothing more than a gigantic jobber. He’s a bearded Titus O’Neil except that at least Titus can cut an entertaining promo occasionally. Bray throws some sh*tty punches at Randy. Luke Harper comes out to make the save. I’m sorry. I don’t understand how anyone could possibly care about any of this. Bray just beat Harper clean last week, Rowan is a giant jobber, nothing Bray says or does ever matters, and this feud has only served to make Randy Orton less bearable because instead of talking about RKOing people he has to talk about crucyxes (cruci?) and magical powers.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS THE MIZ & MARYSE- great
Miz & Maryse took credit for Cena & Nikki’s engagement saying that their criticisms backed Cena into a corner to the point where he had to propose to Nikki to prove them wrong. Miz also buries their engagement as “good marketing” via having a WrestleMania moment.

WWE SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Naomi(c) vs. Alexa Bliss!- 5.5/10
And they’ve got a f*cking beach ball out again and they’re chanting beach ball Mania. F*ck this crowd. I hope someone just runs through the parking lot and slashes every single tire on every single car. So much for the woman they were just cheering and hometown conquering hero, huh.
Alexa worked over Naomi’s injured knee and Naomi sold it well. Naomi made Alexa tap again.

CURT HAWKINS PROMO- Oh great. First we get magical Wyatt bullsh*t then Alexa Bliss! loses a title match and Curt Hawkins is on TV. This show has to be out to get me at this point.
Hawkins makes an open challenge and it’s answered by…
Tye Dillinger? This show really is out to get me.

CURT HAWKINS vs. TYE DILLINGER- no rating, decent squash

DASHA INTERVIEWS MOJO RAWLEY- bad
Dasha claims Mojo won the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale “in spectacular fashion.” I don’t consider needing help from your friend to beat a jobber to be “spectacular in any way. Mojo was wacky and awkward. I don’t think there was a single sentence utter by either of them that didn’t mention either Andre or Gronk.

“JOHN CENA” & “NIKKI BELLA” PROMO- excellent.

Okay… this guy had better be here for Nakamura’s entrance as opposed to being, like, a classier version of The Drifter heralding The Drifter’s arrival.

HOORAY FOR SHINSUKE!
And… he didn’t do anything. Huh. That was weird.

STREET FIGHT: Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin- 6.75/10
Oh come on! We can’t let the freakin’ Street Fight be the main event over the magic show with a bunch of losers and Randy Orton?
This was a very good weapons match, but Corbin winning just puts us right back to where we were three days ago.

AJ STYLES & SHANE MCMAHON MUTUAL ADMIRATION SOCIETY- snore.

LUKE HARPER & RANDY ORTON vs. THE WYATT FAMILY (Bray Wyatt & Erick Rowan)- 4.25/10
The match was getting dull as it was, but then they had to go do an idiot finish where instead of just roll out of the ring like everyone else would, Bray Wyatt has to magically teleport himself to avoid the RKO that he would have received as soon as Randy finished his Viper Dance. Rowan runs in and grab Randy from behind for the Full Nelson Slam but Randy counters it and hits and RKO and then goes for the pin… and apparently magically teleporting out of the ring counts as a tag because the referee counted the pin even though Bray was legal. I still contend that this is the worst feud ever between two guys in such a high position on the card.

An extremely dull first Smackdown after WrestleMania.

[XIV]

They wasted Nakamura's debut by having him do nothing! No match, no face off, nothing. With The Miz out there I was at least hoping him to say "I'm going to show you true showmanship, I'm going to show you true wrestling, I'm going to show you why they call me the King of Strong Style"

But no. He did nothing.

I wish Tye Dillinger would have debuted against somebody higher up, Tye vs Dolph Ziggler would have done more for him, at this point in fairly sure I could get a clean win over Curt Hawkins he's that low down in the pecking order.

[KILLdozer]

This Bray Wyatt garbage is getting ridiculously old and extremely Ridiculous. The shouting, Breaking voice promos.... the whole entire feud.

I'm almost to the point I'm so sick of this whole entire schtick and character I'd say just give him a whole new gimmick lol.

[KILLdozer]

How is it that Erick Rowan and the whole "crazy spastic facial movements" and just whole character in general... Makes him seem like a second rate Sanity ripoff...When the Wyatts came first?

[cero2k]

OPENING SEGMENT-
Randy Orton comes to brag about his title win. Bray Wyatt uses magic to take over the Titan Tron. Umm… wasn’t Randy stabbing Sister Abigail with that Crucyx supposed to take away Bray’s magical powers? Then how is he doing this? And, come to think of it, how did he do his stupid maggot bullsh*t on the ring last night? Or maybe Sister Abigail was never the source of Bray’s power and Randy burned Bray’s house down for nothing.

i immediatly had the visual in my head of a feel good moment with Bray where Randy tells him "That was just normal dirt Bray, the power was always inside of you, you just needed to believe in yourself" : )

I hated the debuts tonight, not the wrestlers, but the execution.

(1) Would it had been too much to ask to let Hawkins count up to 10 before Dillinger could come out? 9 fucking seconds it's all i'm asking for. WWE has no cinematic feeling, no visual foresight. Also, can we fucking ban the words "OH MYYY" for every fucking debut/return.

(2) You know how to spoil a debut? by having the fucking violinist that has already worked with Nakamura come out, it's Nakamura's debut, not the fucking violinists! FUUUUACCCKKK, and then he proceeds to antagonize the Miz out of all people.

[KILLdozer]

Oh yeah... Btw, about Elias Sampson... Lol

[KILLdozer]

More Nakamura...On the main roster now... Great.

Look, what he can do is obvious. It's just he's very, very strange seeming to me. Especially the entrance... He's a conductor now? Lol

[KILLdozer]

OPENING SEGMENT-
Randy Orton comes to brag about his title win. Bray Wyatt uses magic to take over the Titan Tron. Umm… wasn’t Randy stabbing Sister Abigail with that Crucyx supposed to take away Bray’s magical powers? Then how is he doing this? And, come to think of it, how did he do his stupid maggot bullsh*t on the ring last night? Or maybe Sister Abigail was never the source of Bray’s power and Randy burned Bray’s house down for nothing.

i immediatly had the visual in my head of a feel good moment with Bray where Randy tells him "That was just normal dirt Bray, the power was always inside of you, you just needed to believe in yourself" : )

I hated the debuts tonight, not the wrestlers, but the execution.

(1) Would it had been too much to ask to let Hawkins count up to 10 before Dillinger could come out? 9 fucking seconds it's all i'm asking for. WWE has no cinematic feeling, no visual foresight. Also, can we fucking ban the words "OH MYYY" for every fucking debut/return.

(2) You know how to spoil a debut? by having the fucking violinist that has already worked with Nakamura come out, it's Nakamura's debut, not the fucking violinists! FUUUUACCCKKK, and then he proceeds to antagonize the Miz out of all people.

You can't ban "Oh My!", It's kind of one Cole's catch phrases.

[cero2k]

You can't ban "Oh My!", It's kind of one Cole's catch phrases.

that's exactly the problem, his delivery hurts my insides. it makes all debuts sound so fake. You compare it to JR calling debuts, and the 'OH MYYY" is just so fake

[KILLdozer]

You can't ban "Oh My!", It's kind of one Cole's catch phrases.

that's exactly the problem, his delivery hurts my insides. it makes all debuts sound so fake. You compare it to JR calling debuts, and the 'OH MYYY" is just so fake

I don't really think many people in WWE care that much anymore. It's just like, who cares, got television time to fill. Otunga and Saxton have gotten a lot better, but along with Graves and the wrestlers and other backstage interviewers.... I'm not sure how much anyone even tries anymore.

[cero2k]

I don't really think many people in WWE care that much anymore. It's just like, who cares, got television time to fill. Otunga and Saxton have gotten a lot better, but along with Graves and the wrestlers and other backstage interviewers.... I'm not sure how much anyone even tries anymore.

of course, that was the joke on monday when Vince was out there and the fans booed. Vince was just out there thinking, boo all you want, I already got your money.

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT-
Randy Orton comes to brag about his title win. Bray Wyatt uses magic to take over the Titan Tron. Umm… wasn’t Randy stabbing Sister Abigail with that Crucyx supposed to take away Bray’s magical powers? Then how is he doing this? And, come to think of it, how did he do his stupid maggot bullsh*t on the ring last night? Or maybe Sister Abigail was never the source of Bray’s power and Randy burned Bray’s house down for nothing.

i immediatly had the visual in my head of a feel good moment with Bray where Randy tells him "That was just normal dirt Bray, the power was always inside of you, you just needed to believe in yourself" : )
LOL

I hated the debuts tonight, not the wrestlers, but the execution.

(1) Would it had been too much to ask to let Hawkins count up to 10 before Dillinger could come out? 9 fucking seconds it's all i'm asking for. WWE has no cinematic feeling, no visual foresight. Also, can we fucking ban the words "OH MYYY" for every fucking debut/return.
This would have been much better

(2) You know how to spoil a debut? by having the fucking violinist that has already worked with Nakamura come out, it's Nakamura's debut, not the fucking violinists! FUUUUACCCKKK, and then he proceeds to antagonize the Miz out of all people.
And it's not even like the big chunk the violinist did at the beginning is Nakamura's music.

I actually like the idea of Miz vs. Nakamura. There is a contrast there. Can you not see Miz cutting promos on Nakamura for his clothing and his "weird dancing, or whatever that is that you do" and Nakamura just nonchalantly beating the crap out of Miz?

[Big Red Machine]

You can't ban "Oh My!", It's kind of one Cole's catch phrases.

that's exactly the problem, his delivery hurts my insides. it makes all debuts sound so fake. You compare it to JR calling debuts, and the 'OH MYYY" is just so fake

They don't even wrestle here!

[KILLdozer]

You can't ban "Oh My!", It's kind of one Cole's catch phrases.

that's exactly the problem, his delivery hurts my insides. it makes all debuts sound so fake. You compare it to JR calling debuts, and the 'OH MYYY" is just so fake

They don't even wrestle here!

Wrong. You can't say "wrestle".

[cero2k]

I actually like the idea of Miz vs. Nakamura. There is a contrast there. Can you not see Miz cutting promos on Nakamura for his clothing and his "weird dancing, or whatever that is that you do" and Nakamura just nonchalantly beating the crap out of Miz?
[/color]

i'm 50/50 on it. One one side after the last feud, I wanna see Miz go toe to toe on the mic with someone. Alvarez suggested doing Miz vs Bryan, but with Angle on RAW. On the other side, I can see this like the Galloway vs Riddle stuff where Galloway would cut a long promo and Riddle would just be 'bro, chill out'. So Miz could pour his heart out cutting a promo and then Nakamura just does a funny face in exchange.

[KILLdozer]

Other announcer related things I'm tired of: JBL in general.

It's like his entire style of announcing is just a bunch of recycled and reused clichés and he says the same things almost every time.

Half of his commentary is "Ron and I...", then it's all about how he wrestled this dude or saw someone else wrestle another dude blah blah blah.

Lol and he went so far out of his way to call Ambrose crazy because he Elbow dropped Corbin through the table. He got so dramatic with that Over the top voice...And the worst part was Ambrose didn't even really fall through the table with him. I mean, I know he's never seen anyone jump to the outside or put another through a table.