BRM Reviews the 3/28/2017 Smackdown

[Big Red Machine]

SHANE-AJ CONTRACT SIGNING- mediocre.
Well… Raw did it last night so I guess Smackdown has to do it now, too, because that’s how WWE works. Shane cuts an obnoxious, borderline-condescending promo in which he tells his brand’s top star that he had better bring his A game to the biggest show of the year. AJ responds by burying Shane as a spot-monkey garbage wrestler. Stuff happens and they almost fight but Dragon gets between them. He asks for a handshake but AJ refuses.


BECKY LYNCH vs. CARMELLA (w/James Ellsworth)- DUD!
Both Alexa Bliss! and Mickie James are on commentary. They bickered. These two could (hell, SHOULD) be having a great WrestleMania feud right now but WrestleMania has apparently been reduced to an elementary school gym class were everyone gets to play so we have stick all of these other women in this match to dilute an issue that has actual heat to it.
Their bickering predictably led to a fight which predictably spilled into the ring which predictably caused a DQ because why put any real effort into booking your go-home show? Mickie wound up laying out both Alexa and Carmella, but apparently she and Becky get along well enough that they just pointed to the WrestleMania sign instead of fighting.
Oh. Yeah. The match. Basically nothing happened except for Carmella giving Ellsworth the piece of gum she had been chewing.

When we got back from a commercial the match had turned into…
BECKY LYNCH & MICKIE JAMES vs. ALEXA BLESS! & CARMELLA (w/James Ellsworth)- 2/10
If you wanted to have a tag match, why didn’t you just book a tag match? That way we would have gotten to see more of the wonderful entertainment that was the moments when Alexa did not get along with Carmella (& Ellsworth).
Anyway, stuff happened until Nattie came out, at which point we went to yet another commercial. When we came back from commercial, Nattie was on commentary. Within minutes she was getting involved, too, which led to the finish. The finish doesn’t matter because all of these women are going to be in this big WrestleMania clusterf*ck anyway so, like every other women’s match for the past few weeks, who won and who lost was completely irrelevant.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- A schmoz predictably breaks out, at which point the thing I was dreading the most happened: Naomi made her return and cleaned out. Nattie was nice enough to take a headscissors on the ramp for her. I can’t objectively call this bad because it was good, but I really dislike the implications of it. There is no way they’re having Naomi lose in her home town. I know that’s WWE’s usual M.O. but considering that the plan was to have the belt on her as the hometown hero going into the show, I can’t see her losing. I was really hoping she wouldn’t be healthy in time because, based on the way WWE usually does things, the result I figured they would have gone with if Naomi couldn’t make it was Alexa stealing someone’s pin to overcome the odds and sneak out with the title.

NAOMI PROMO- good.

BRYAN & BREEZANGO BACKSTAGE- Tyler Breeze’s new gimmick is apparently that he is a Nikki Bella cosplayer. He tried to get into the women’s title match because he’s an idiot and thought he could fool everyone. Breezango lament that they don’t have a match at WrestleMania. Good. That’s what should happen to wrestlers who lose every match. But if they want a Mania match, why can’t they just do what everyone else does and enter themselves into the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale?
Bryan asks them if they want to be in the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale. Not because he thinks it would be a good opportunity for them or anything, but because he really wanted to book a tag match with all of the Smackdown participants but he has two spots left. Well why not just take a guy from the team with two extra guys and put him on the team that is shorthanded?

PETE ROSE WRESTLEMANIA MOMENT- They got the year wrong. Their graphic said this was 1997, but it was 1998.
In related news, I would totally mark out if Pete Rose tried to screw Kane out of the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale on Sunday.

MORE OF MIZ & MARYSE DOING TOTAL BELLAS- They’ve now added Daniel Bryan & Brie Bella, also played by Miz & Maryse. They were wonderful. This also served to build up to the expected WrestleMania marriage proposal.

CENA & NIKKI COME OUT TO CONFRONT MIZ & MARYSE-
So Cena starts cutting this really great promo covering a whole number of topics relevant to this feud and/or things Miz & Maryse have said. In the middle of this he started talking about how there is a “women’s revolution” going on in WWE and how women can be just as good as men and Nikki beat up Tyler Breeze last week… and while he’s saying this, he goes over to Nikki and slaps her on the ass. I face-palmed. Nikki spent the whole time standing there, smiling, while her boyfriend cut her promo for her, aside from one line at the end, after which they played her boyfriends’ music. WWE feminism fail. Also, he called Miz a word that Joey Styles used in the sentence that got him fired.

THE USOS, TYLER BREEZE, FANDANGO, & DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. AMERICAN ALPHA, RHYNO, HEATH SLATER, & MOJO RAWLEY- 4.5/10
So it’s the tag team division, plus Dolph Ziggler. Isn’t Apollo Crews already announced to be in the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale? So why isn’t he in this match?

LUKE HARPER PROMO- a great promo that he should have cut two months ago. Also, he needs to stop talking a lightbulb.

LUKE HARPER vs. BRAY WYATT- 7/10

STUPID RANDY ORTON PROMO/VIDEO PACKAGE- the criminal returns to the scene of the crime.
Randy stabbed the grave where Sister Abigail’s ashes used to be with a spike with some sort of goofy symbol at the top and said that this would destroy Bray’s power forever or some such stupid bullsh*t. THAT was your go-home angle for the WWE World Heavyweight Title match WrestleMania. This was terrible. I don’t understand how anyone can possibly think this is cool.

This was an extremely dull paint by the numbers episode of Smackdown that wasn’t a particularly effective go-home show, either, especially as the far as the tag titles were concerned. There was no time for American Alpha to cut a promo saying that they wanted to regain the tag titles or something? The hype for the WWE World Heavyweight Title match was also quite stupid, but at least got a great match out of this show.

[cero2k]

I still don't know how the flames of burning the shack could reach a body buried under the ground and turn it to ashes, ashes that would then rise to the top of the ground. I don't think that's how fire works

[Big Red Machine]

I still don't know how the flames of burning the shack could reach a body buried under the ground and turn it to ashes, ashes that would then rise to the top of the ground. I don't think that's how fire works

It's magical fire.

[KILLdozer]

To quote King Arthur Pendragon from Merlin..."What nonsense is this?"

(The British show that used to be on sci-fi after SD and is now on Netflix.)

[Big Red Machine]

I still don't know how the flames of burning the shack could reach a body buried under the ground and turn it to ashes, ashes that would then rise to the top of the ground. I don't think that's how fire works

And yet you have no problem with all of Bray Wyatt's magical powers?

[cero2k]

I still don't know how the flames of burning the shack could reach a body buried under the ground and turn it to ashes, ashes that would then rise to the top of the ground. I don't think that's how fire works

And yet you have no problem with all of Bray Wyatt's magical powers?

i don't like it, but i can understand a dude having powers, Bray has always been shown to have powers. Fire and Orton however, should work like reality.

Also, that fucking ending segment with Orton's staff thing, jesus, it makes Kaiju Big Battel look like ROH. Next thing we know we'll see Bray holding the Eye of Tyr

[KILLdozer]

I still don't know how the flames of burning the shack could reach a body buried under the ground and turn it to ashes, ashes that would then rise to the top of the ground. I don't think that's how fire works

And yet you have no problem with all of Bray Wyatt's magical powers?

i don't like it, but i can understand a dude having powers, Bray has always been shown to have powers. Fire and Orton however, should work like reality.

Also, that fucking ending segment with Orton's staff thing, jesus, it makes Kaiju Big Battel look like ROH. Next thing we know we'll see Bray holding the Eye of Tyr

Same staff he took from Wyatt evidently from last week... Whatever that staff is supposed to be lol.

[Big Red Machine]

I didn't even notice until Alvarez & Filthy Tom started to talk smack about their segment on this week's Talking Smack, but they did absolutely nothing to build up the IC Title match on this go-home show.

[KILLdozer]

I didn't even notice until Alvarez & Filthy Tom started to talk smack about their segment on this week's Talking Smack, but they did absolutely nothing to build up the IC Title match on this go-home show.

I saw something on the FB live coverage of the show that they were doing one of those "Video to video" interviews or something.

[KILLdozer]

So evidently the subtitles on Hulu think JBL said "Bizarro won the ATGMBR in the past."...

Interesting.