BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post Reply
User avatar
Big Red Machine
Posts: 20631
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 15:12
Favorite Wrestler: Kane

BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by Big Red Machine » Mar 8th, '17, 22:42

OPENING SEGMENT- waste of time.
Shane and Bryan come out, presumably to deal with the fact that one of their employees very publicly burned down the house of another employee. Shane starts off by talking about the WWE World Heavyweight Title match at WrestleMania. DUDE! Get your priorities straight! There’s a f*cking arsonist on the loose, and he’s a man who is known for his extremely violent temper. There’s no telling what he’ll do next if you let him get away with this!
Bryan thinks Orton should get the WrestleMania title shot because he won the Rumble. Shane says he thinks AJ should get the title shot because he won a match last week with the stipulation that said that if he won he would get to challenge for the title at WrestleMania. Both sound arguments. Less sound is Shane trying to claim that Randy’s statement three weeks ago counts as him abdicating his title shot, as Randy’s statement was clearly conditional. He said “as long as you are the master and I am the servant I refuse to face you at WrestleMania.” This is clearly not true anymore so Randy should still have his title shot.

Bryan claims Orton’s plan was “methodical.” I mean… under an extremely loose definition of the word I guess it would qualify as such. And now Bryan is making puns about the fact that Randy burned Bray’s house down. Yeah, that’s f*cking responsible.
Bryan pitches to clips of a video package that WE JUST SAW A FEW MINUTES AGO during the intro to the show. They eventually get around to announcing that they decided that Orton and AJ would face off for the title shot in the main event tonight, admitting in the process that they had already announced this match.
This was such an annoying waste of time. It took them ten minutes to announce a match that had already been announced, and to go over logic that an announcer could have quickly run down in a minute. But hey. We killed ten minutes of TV time and put the authority figures on TV, because that’s what the people want to see.

SHANE, BRYAN & AJ BACKSTAGE- bad
And the first thing I see when we come back from commercial is Bryan and Shane looking smugly satisfied with themselves and walking around backstage. AJ Styles comes up to them and cuts a promo to build up the main event that would have been much better and much more focused if they would have just let him cut a promo to hype up the match instead of forcing him to do so in a way that he also has to interact with Bryan and Shane.

JAMES ELLSWORTH PROMO- great.

MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: James Ellsworth & Carmella vs. John Cena & Nikki Bella- DUD (sadly)
Huh. Cena is coming out before Nikki? 3 to 1 odds says she’s been jumped backstage. It seems to happen to her on a biweekly basis anyway. Holy crap she didn’t!
Miz and Maryse came out to ringside before the match started, distracted Nikki and Cena and Nikki turned around into a superkick. Well… that kind of counts as her getting jumped from behind.
When we come back from commercial, the match has started and Miz and Maryse are on commentary, which is unfortunate because it not only distracts from the match, but this basically the only match I can think of where I would love to hear unadulterated JBL commentary. Miz was particularly annoying, talking through all of what should have been the big comedy spots.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wish this match had been a few minutes longer so they could have really had some fun with it, and without Miz and Maryse’s yapping ruining it. The other reason I gave this a dud is that, as Miz pointed out, Nikki and Cena’s timing on their stereo offense was atrocious, and a lot of that was due to their inexplicable decision to both try to hit the rope by the ramp when they did a five knuckle shuffle so Cena had to travel a lot farther than Nikki even though it would have made a lot more sense for one to hit the ropes by the ramp and the other by the announcers’ table. Then again, they did seem to kind of plan for this as Nikki did wait for Cena but then she was so slow that by the time she started her first drop Cena was already done with his.

POST-MATCH SEGMENT- holy crap that Miz promo.
Miz and Maryse attack Cena and Nikki after their win then cut a promo. The Miz cut a F*CKING AMAZING promo on Cena and Nikki.

They’re advertising that Alexa Bliss! will give her “Blissertation” tonight. I usually hate it when they have a big, stupid name for a promo, but it’s also Alexa Bliss! so I would be inclined to give it a pass… but then I realized that this is the third one of these they have done in the past eight days, so I’m going to revert to my standard thumbs down for this sort of idea (we got both Bray’s “invocation” and Neville’s “State of the Cruiserweight Division Address” last week. Wow, these WWE writers are really lazy). That being said, a “Blissertation” sounds really hot.

RENEE YOUNG INTERVIEWS RANDY ORTON- hopefully she has bravely volunteered to stall him until the police come and arrest this dangerous criminal.
Randy’s promo would have been really good if it hadn’t started out with him talking about how he BURNED DOWN SOMEONE’S HOUSE last week.

CURT HAWKINS CALLS OUT DEAN AMBROSE- I don’t know how much money they’re paying Hawkins, but if there is any justice in this world it will be minimum wage. Hawkins cut a terrible promo and then got laid out with one lariat.
I was so busy trying to find the facef*cking joke in JBL’s comment about Tom Phillips that it took me about four listens to realize that it was an innocent comment connected to Mauro accidentally calling Curt Hawkins “Chad Hawkins.”

DEAN AMBROSE CALLS OUT BARON CORBIN- good segment.
Dean cut a great promo. Corbin appeared on the TitanTron and simply said (paraphrasing) “no. I don’t want to fight you now.” Corbin cut a nice little promo. Ambrose went to go get Corbin… and Curt Hawkins tried to jump him as he went up the ramp and immediately ate a Dirty Deeds and I laughed my ass off.

TRISH & LITA WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH VIDEO PACKAGE- see my comments from Raw.

DASHA INTERVIEWS MOJO RAWLEY- holy sh*t he’s talking and acting like a normal f*cking person. Take it from your fellow Maryland alumnus, Mojo: You should take your Concerta more often. It will make you much more productive.
Anyway, Mojo cut this great promo about how his best friend Zack Ryder got his WrestleMania Moment™ last year and now Mojo wants his this year… so he is declaring himself the first entrant into the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale. Yes, it’s back. Excuse me while I go to my little box labeled “in case of return of stupid waste of time battle royale break glass” and go retrieve the joke I thought up over the summer and stored there just for this occasion. Okay.
*Ahem*
The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale is the exact opposite of Andre himself: it’s a gigantic waste of space.

I hope that lived up to your expectations.

Then Dolph Ziggler showed up to be a douche, although he did make a good point about “WrestleMania Moments™”: that not everyone should get one. They’re supposed to be special, not a participation award that we make sure everyone gets.

AMBROSE FINDS CORBIN BACKSTAGE- GREAT angle! This really made Corbin feel like a despicable individual rather than a whiny guy who happened to be dangerous.

ALEXA BLISS!’S BLISSERTATION- she’s basically The Rock with boobs.
Mickie James was in the ring for this, also. She makes a fine sidekick for Alexa’s awesomeness. Said awesomeness was interrupted by a VERY rude Becky Lynch. F*ck off, Becky! (Okay. Fine. I’ll admit that I did laugh when she said she would make a “Becklaration.”)
Becky says she’s going to win the title at WrestleMania. Nattie came out and sided with Alexa. She buried Becky while putting herself up at Alexa’s level, while Alexa stood next to her and a little bit behind, barely tolerating her presence. When Nattie then turned to Alexa to talk about getting a title shot at WrestleMania, Alexa cut her off by asking “Nattie, did you get into some cat-nip?” I was laughing so hard that I decided I had to go back and watch this about fifteen times. Seriously, guys, this was one of the funniest one-liners you’ll ever see in wrestling. Her delivery was, like Rock-level. And I’m not just saying this as the guy who is proud to have been literally the first person on the Alexa Bliss! bandwagon (hell… I built the f*cking wagon. Go look it up. In her debut match I put her over for being a great babyface). I’m saying this as a guy who has watched A LOT of wrestling. This line is MUST-SEE!
Alexa tells Nattie that she isn’t getting a title shot at Mania. She also calls her “the worst there is, the worst there was, and the worst there ever will be.”
Some shouting started but Mickie James quickly shouted people down, scolding Becky and Nattie for rudely interrupting Alexa when Alexa was about to announce who should will defend her title against at WrestleMania… “which is, of course, me: Mickie James.” Alexa had an excellent reaction to this as well. Alexa denied it, so Mickie confusedly asked “but… we had a deal,” which seems to betray that Mickie’s aiding Alexa over the past few months was not built on mutual respect but rather on a seedy, underhanded deal.
Nattie jumps in and attempts to humiliate Mickie by urging fans to record the look on her “stupid ugly face” and post it to Instagram (“I said it. Ugly”). It took me a while to understand it, but I think I’ve finally figured out Nattie’s new gimmick and I LOVE IT: She uses insults that are, like, the sort of basic things a third-grader would say, and then acts like she is so proud of herself for thinking them up and thinks she is so clever, which she clearly isn’t… and yet, ironically, this is, indeed, the mark of her cleverness because she has hit on this formula where she can both say things that are genuinely mean and insulting to people but also gets the heel heat from being a total dork. GENIUS!
So shouting happens and then Daniel Bryan comes out and tells Alexa that if he and Shane were grading her Blissertation, they would have given it an F. This, to me, is a clear sign that neither of these men is of sound mind and therefore they should be removed from their positions of authority on the Smackdown brand. I’ll get a petition going to have them replaced with William Regal and… Veda Scott. OH MY G-D HOW AWESOME WOULD THOSE TWO BE TOGETHER?!
Bryan said he (and Shane) found Alexa’s claim to be “the greatest female superstar on the entire Smackdown women’s roster” interesting. At least he and I seem to be on the same wavelength about this one. If we are, then Bryan is about to announce that starting next week WWE Main Event is going to be cancelled and replaced with a show dedicated entirely to Smackdown Women’s Division called “The Alexa Bliss! Show,” because let’s be honest: that’s what this division really is.
Okay. So it turns out Bryan and I weren’t on the same page after all. Instead Bryan and Shane have decided that at WrestleMania, Alexa Bliss! will defend the Smackdown Women’s Title against “every available woman on the Smackdown roster.” Well… I guess we know when Eva Marie will be making her return.
Seriously… WHAT A F*CKING STUPID IDEA! This completely obliterates the concept that wins and losses mean ANYTHING! Who the hell thought it was a good idea to do this instead of actually try to build to a big singles match pitting Alexa against Becky or Mickie? This also thrusts the just-revealed illicit deal between Alexa and Mickie into the background when it should, by all rights, be big news.
Alexa vehemently protests that this is unfair. Bryan channels his inner Steph and rubs it in everyone’s face that he can do this because he’s the boss. Then he channels his inner Teddy Long and books a tag team match, so when we come back from commercial we get…

ALEXA BLISS! & MICKIE JAMES vs. BECKY LYNCH & NATALYA- 6.75/10
They went for a while and it started to get really good with Becky as the babyface in peril but then she started to make her comeback and just decided that she wasn’t going to tag Nattie in so Nattie laid her out with a German Suplex and walked off because Bryan’s stupid announcement means that no wins and losses will matter in this division until WrestleMania (you know… the same exact mistake they made six months ago in the build-up to crowning their first champion). Mickie and Alexa were both stunned by this but Alexa reacted quicker and tagged herself in and stole the pin on the unconscious Becky. Alexa celebrated and wanted to pose with Mickie so Mickie posed with her and then kicked her in the head and posed with Alexa’s WWE Smackdown Women’s Title.

AUSTIN ARIES PROMO- did they really just script an AUSTIN ARIES promo? Because that’s what it sounded like. And it was not good.

This “Show of Shows” moniker for WrestleMania needs to go.

AJ STYLES PROMO- he makes many solid points.

WINNER GETS THE WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE SHOT AT WRESTLEMANIA XXXIII: AJ Styles vs. Randy Orton- 8/10
ARREST THAT CRIMINAL!
Yeah, the match was awesome and all, but if you keep telling me this is a “dream match” then just giving it eighteen minutes is disappointing, you know? THIS should be your WrestleMania main event that goes thirty. That being said, I was quite pleasantly surprised that this match actually had a clean finish.


This was an excellent episode of Smackdown, but I’m utterly baffled by Bray’s lack of appearance after last week’s major turn of events.


Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
WWE in 2005
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
Beyond Flesh
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
ECW Guilty As Charged 1999

User avatar
cero2k
Site Admin
Posts: 16356
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 11:32
Favorite Wrestler: Eddie Guerrero
Location: El Paso, TX
Contact:

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by cero2k » Mar 9th, '17, 08:25

Big Red Machine wrote:

This was an excellent episode of Smackdown, but I’m utterly baffled by Bray’s lack of appearance after last week’s major turn of events.

you know, i wouldn't mind if Bray doesn't appear until the go home show, on camera, burning Randy's house with his wife screaming in the window or something. But i definitely don't want to see Bray wrestle or be laid out in between, the burning of his compound is enough heat IMO

User avatar
KILLdozer
Posts: 4187
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 22:54
Favorite Wrestler: Idk
Location: Ocean Springs,MS.

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by KILLdozer » Mar 9th, '17, 08:47

Sasha Banks is ten thousand times better in every single way imaginable, I'll have you know.
When they come, they'll come at what you love.

User avatar
cero2k
Site Admin
Posts: 16356
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 11:32
Favorite Wrestler: Eddie Guerrero
Location: El Paso, TX
Contact:

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by cero2k » Mar 9th, '17, 10:34

KILLdozer wrote:Sasha Banks is ten thousand times better in every single way imaginable, I'll have you know.

wrestling yes; character, no; being a babyface, no; being a heel, no; talking, no; hots department, arguably to some, but i like Alexa more;

User avatar
KILLdozer
Posts: 4187
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 22:54
Favorite Wrestler: Idk
Location: Ocean Springs,MS.

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by KILLdozer » Mar 9th, '17, 10:57

cero2k wrote:
KILLdozer wrote:Sasha Banks is ten thousand times better in every single way imaginable, I'll have you know.

wrestling yes; character, no; being a babyface, no; being a heel, no; talking, no; hots department, arguably to some, but i like Alexa more;


I'll hear no more of this nonsensical talk... You're obsolete and I must delete you.
When they come, they'll come at what you love.

User avatar
Big Red Machine
Posts: 20631
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 15:12
Favorite Wrestler: Kane

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by Big Red Machine » Mar 9th, '17, 12:40

cero2k wrote:
Big Red Machine wrote:

This was an excellent episode of Smackdown, but I’m utterly baffled by Bray’s lack of appearance after last week’s major turn of events.

you know, i wouldn't mind if Bray doesn't appear until the go home show, on camera, burning Randy's house with his wife screaming in the window or something. But i definitely don't want to see Bray wrestle or be laid out in between, the burning of his compound is enough heat IMO

Well... that would certainly make Bray the heel again.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
WWE in 2005
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
Beyond Flesh
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
ECW Guilty As Charged 1999

User avatar
KILLdozer
Posts: 4187
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 22:54
Favorite Wrestler: Idk
Location: Ocean Springs,MS.

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by KILLdozer » Mar 9th, '17, 13:13

I've seen somewhere this was supposed to be some sort of double turn Start...As I said to my Mother, What is supposed to be so likeable about Randy Orton?

This isn't few years back RKO anybody whenever Randy Orton somewhat tweener face.
When they come, they'll come at what you love.

User avatar
cero2k
Site Admin
Posts: 16356
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 11:32
Favorite Wrestler: Eddie Guerrero
Location: El Paso, TX
Contact:

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by cero2k » Mar 9th, '17, 13:16

i can't fathom WWE would have Bray be a babyface and Randy a heel, Vince's mind would explode

User avatar
KILLdozer
Posts: 4187
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 22:54
Favorite Wrestler: Idk
Location: Ocean Springs,MS.

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by KILLdozer » Mar 9th, '17, 13:25

He openly lied to the man's face over and over again, recked his bond with his brother in arm's, then burnt down the man's house, not to mention the consequences of doing so. Come on already
When they come, they'll come at what you love.

User avatar
Big Red Machine
Posts: 20631
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 15:12
Favorite Wrestler: Kane

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by Big Red Machine » Mar 9th, '17, 13:48

cero2k wrote:i can't fathom WWE would have Bray be a babyface and Randy a heel, Vince's mind would explode

Yeah. I think this is more general WWE incompetence with booking babyfaces, along the lines of Rusev vs. Roman and Rusev vs. Enzo, and the current Bayley thing.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
WWE in 2005
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
Beyond Flesh
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
ECW Guilty As Charged 1999

User avatar
e-moose
Posts: 301
Joined: Dec 23rd, '10, 10:02
Favorite Wrestler: The Miz
Location: Arden, Manitoba, Canada

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by e-moose » Mar 11th, '17, 14:56

Bray iz buzy with hiz home insurance claim and couldn't be @ SmackDown Live. I wuz also pleazantly surprized with the clean finish. No way in hell that wudda happened if it were a RAW match.

User avatar
Big Red Machine
Posts: 20631
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 15:12
Favorite Wrestler: Kane

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by Big Red Machine » Mar 12th, '17, 18:58

e-moose wrote:Bray iz buzy with hiz home insurance claim and couldn't be @ SmackDown Live. I wuz also pleazantly surprized with the clean finish. No way in hell that wudda happened if it were a RAW match.

E-MOOSE IS BACK!

Also, maybe Bray & Orton were in cahoots and the whole angle was an insurance scam?
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
WWE in 2005
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
Beyond Flesh
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
ECW Guilty As Charged 1999

User avatar
e-moose
Posts: 301
Joined: Dec 23rd, '10, 10:02
Favorite Wrestler: The Miz
Location: Arden, Manitoba, Canada

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by e-moose » Mar 13th, '17, 10:18

Perhaps Vince could go back to hiz 1994-era characterz. At the very end of the WrestleMania title match, 2 new characterz in suits called "The Underwriter" and "The Adjuster" from the insurance company will come down the aisle and accuze the 2 of them of insurance fraud.

User avatar
Big Red Machine
Posts: 20631
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 15:12
Favorite Wrestler: Kane

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by Big Red Machine » Mar 13th, '17, 10:30

e-moose wrote:Perhaps Vince could go back to hiz 1994-era characterz. At the very end of the WrestleMania title match, 2 new characterz in suits called "The Underwriter" and "The Adjuster" from the insurance company will come down the aisle and accuze the 2 of them of insurance fraud.

The match should be Bray winning via Fingerpoke of Doom, giving them the final piece of evidence they need. And can you imagine the segment where IRS cuts a promo talking about how disappointed he is in his son for this terrible fraud.
Hold #712: ARM BAR!

Upcoming Reviews:
WWE in 2005
FIP in 2005
ROH Validation
Beyond Flesh
PWG All-Star Weekend V: Night 2
ECW Guilty As Charged 1999

User avatar
e-moose
Posts: 301
Joined: Dec 23rd, '10, 10:02
Favorite Wrestler: The Miz
Location: Arden, Manitoba, Canada

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by e-moose » Mar 13th, '17, 11:30

Absolutely! IRS could manage the afforementioned tag-team and the group could be called "Shyster & Associates". Otunga could even get involved az their attorney.

User avatar
cero2k
Site Admin
Posts: 16356
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 11:32
Favorite Wrestler: Eddie Guerrero
Location: El Paso, TX
Contact:

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by cero2k » Mar 13th, '17, 11:39

e-moose wrote:Absolutely! IRS could manage the afforementioned tag-team and the group could be called "Shyster & Associates". Otunga could even get involved az their attorney.

Yes, get him of commentary! jokes aside, i think you're unto something here, put The Drifter in a suit and pair him up with Otunga

User avatar
KILLdozer
Posts: 4187
Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 22:54
Favorite Wrestler: Idk
Location: Ocean Springs,MS.

Re: BRM Reviews the 3/7/2017 Smackdown (ALEXA. F*CKING. BLISS.)

Post by KILLdozer » Mar 13th, '17, 21:43

Just to not give away a possible surprise-

Hidden text.
I've read Rowan is supposed to be there tomorrow.
When they come, they'll come at what you love.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest