BRM Reviews the 12/13/2016 Smackdown

[Big Red Machine]

JAMES ELLSWORTH IS FAKING BEING SICK- also, Shane and Bryan are angry at him for interfering. He is sneezing all over the place, so Bryan says that he should go home and his title shot will be postponed until he (read as: “AJ Styles”) is healthy.

MIZ TV WITH SPECIAL GUEST AJ STYLES- what a f*cking mess.
AJ & Miz were such fantastic over the top heels, laughing at each other’s jokes and putting each other over. Then it ended when Miz started to heel up on AJ. They had a tense stare-down… and then Dean Ambrose showed up just because he got screwed out of both of their titles last week and wants to make a point about it. Or at least that’s what one of the announcers should have said. Instead we just got JBL yapping about how Ambrose’s presence is bringing down this segment because JBL doesn’t like Ambrose. The two heels retreated from the crazy Dean, who appeared to be in no danger, standing there in the ring wielding AJ’s stool as a weapon (*giggle giggle*).
Was that joke childish? Yes. But I don’t give a sh*t.

Okay. I promise I’ll stop now.

Anyway, Dean was clearly doing just fine for himself and in no immediate danger, but the script required that Dolph Ziggler come out anyway, just because. He cuts a promo on Miz, so Miz charges into the ring to attack him, but Dolph attacks Miz while Miz is stepping through the ropes. You know… like a heel would. Despite this unfair advantage, Miz quickly dispatched of Dolph, laying him out with the Skull-Crushing Finale. Meanwhile, AJ and Dean both just stood there watching, clearly not giving a sh*t who won. That made me laugh.
Once Dolph was laid out, Dean hit Miz with Dirty Deeds to lay him out, too. AJ walked away. Then, for no reason, Douchebag Dean hit Dolph with Dirty Deeds as well. Then, for equally no reason, Wyatt magic happened and Harper teleported down to the ring to hit Dean with his discus clothesline. Then Breezango did a run-in taking out Harper. Then we got run-ins by The Rock, Michael Hayes, Adam Cole, Petey Williams, Buddy Murphy, Necro Butcher, Low Ki, Ayako Hamada, Danny Doring, Masked Fipper #4, Hurricane Helms, Minoru Suzuki, Mini-Vader, Steve Blackman, Keith Hart, and Phantasio. Well… okay, I made all of them after Harper up, but them showing up wouldn’t have been any less random than the things that happened in this segment.

AJ STYLES BOTHERS SHANE & BRYAN BACKSTAGE- He demands protection from the people out to get him. Instead, they book a four-way elimination #1 contendership match between Miz, Harper (who has done nothing of note since coming back), Ziggler (who just lost a bunch of times to Miz), and Ambrose (who, depending on your point of view either lost at TLC fair and square and thus doesn’t deserve a title match, or got screwed at TLC and thus shouldn’t have to earn a rematch). Wins and losses don’t matter so long as you can get yourself in the same segment as the champion.
The one thing I did like, though, is that the match is set for Dec. 27, which means that the Thirty Day Rule is being followed (it usually isn’t in WWE when there are more than thirty days between PPVs).

NATALYA vs. CARMELLA- 4.25/10
Nikki Bella is on commentary. They actually made something good out of this situation by having Nattie desperately plea to Nikki to not believe Carmella (and props to Nattie for throwing in the “I had to do this publicly because you won’t answer my calls” line, so it doesn’t look like these characters only exist for two hours a week).
I popped big for Nikki getting tired of JBL’s crap and asking him “what are you smoking?”
Carmella is definitely improving in the ring, and I thought the thing they did with Nikki on the outside was very good, but the real star here was Nattie, who made you feel that she really wants Nikki to believe her.

We got a Network plug, and I don’t know why I never noticed it before, but the way that the announcers have to look at the camera and smile and nod even though the person talking is off to their side is so awkward. Mauro and Otunga both looked SOOOO weird here.

APOLLO CREWS TALKS TO A POORLY-DRESSED FAT GUY BACKSTAGE- Then Miz and Maryse showed up and Maryse demanded “quiet on the set! Can we please have quiet on the set?” You see, Miz was trying to prepare for his very important match tonight, “and you are distracting him from doing so with your loud noises. And your loud shirt.” I laughed so hard. You MUST watch this segment, as it will surely be the funniest thing that happens in WWE all month.
The fat guy asks Miz if he got his outfit from Uranus. Apollo Crews was made to laugh at this joke even though, as Miz would soon point out, this was the sort of one-line you would expect from a sixth-grader. And keep in mind that the person now stressing to you how low-brow and juvenile this all was is someone who could not get two paragraphs into this review without making a poop joke. That’s how bad this was.

#1 CONTENDERSHIP BATTLE ROYALE: American Alpha vs. Tyler Breeze & Fandango vs. Heath Slater & Rhyno vs. The Ascension vs. Hype Bros. vs. the Vaudevillains- 4.75/10
Where are the Usos?
Slater accidentally eliminated Rhyno. I can’t wait for the day when Rhyno murders him. Do you know what’d be REALLY cool? What if Rhyno got one of those Lucha Underground-style headdresses for his entrance, and his could be a war helmet with a big spike coming out of the forehead to be his horn… and impaled on that big spike he could have Heath’s severed head! That would make me happy.

The fans no longer give a sh*t about Slater. Good.
Eliminating the big favorites half way through was a bold move, but I think it was one that paid off, as there was a sense of genuine unpredictability at the end. Ryder won it, and Mojo rushing down to celebrate with him in his goofy Mojo Rawley way entertained me.

It’s currently 3:45 am and I was about to go to sleep now that we’re half-way through the show, but then they announced who was in the next match, and I think none of you will be surprised to learn that I decided that Alexa Bliss!>sleeping.

BARON CORBIN VIDEO PACKAGE- GREAT!

ALEXA BLISS! vs. DEONNA PURRAZZO- no rating, good segment.
Alexa cuts a great pre-match promo in which she jumps Deonna just to be a jerk and beats her up. Becky comes out and wants her rematch now. Alexa tells her she can have her rematch… “just not right now,” and Alexa ducks out. Then Shane O’Mac showed up to do his job and actually books the match for right now.

WWE SMACKDOWN WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Alexa Bliss!(c) vs. Becky Lynch- no rating, meh segment.
This was a good idea in theory, but whoever laid this whole thing out screwed up the execution for them. The problem with what they did here is that Becky attacked Alexa BEFORE she knew that Alexa wasn’t really injured, which pretty much makes Becky a sore loser (and also kind of a hypocrite when you realize that Becky got out of a scheduled title defense against Alexa because she was injured). What they should have done is had Alexa do something celebratory on her way up the ramp, accidentally revealing that she was faking it and THEN you have Becky attack her because Becky’s anger would actually be justified.

FOUR WAY ELIMINATION #1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH: Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Luke Harper vs. The Miz (w/Maryse)- 7.25/10
AJ Styles is on commentary. I popped SO HUGE when he buried the commentary team for talking too much during the match. Also when he buried Otunga for trying accusing AJ of ducking a match with Ellsworth by pointing out that AJ hasn’t beaten Ellsworth yet. Do you know what David Otunga is? He’s the babyface version of a stereotypical heel announcer. He will support the babyface and advance the babyface’s narrative, even to the point of hypocrisy or utter ridiculousness.
The match started out very exciting, but really petered out towards the end. Having Miz screw Ambrose makes sense to both protect Ambrose and build their feud, but if you are going to do that, you should really let Dolph be the one to beat Harper so he doesn’t look totally undeserving.
It looks like Dean and Miz will just be switching which titles they are going after, which I really don’t like. They should be cycling Dolph down after his big failure (I don’t even like his inclusion in this match, although that’s more because he and Miz are in there together) and moving someone else up to be the #2 singles babyface (APOLLO CREWS).

RICH SWANN PROMO- In a desperate attempt to get us to watch 205 Live, they ended the show with a promo by Rich Swann, who they introduced as “the outlandish Rich Swann.” He proceeded to neither do nor say anything outlandish.

A decent episode of Smackdown, although it could have been a lot better with just a few changes. The roster feels very thin right now… except that it shouldn’t because they do have people they could put on TV in good positions who they just don’t use regularly, and for no real reason (Kane, Kalisto, Corbin, Crews). Then again, I’m not sure what they would cut out of the show to make room for it.

[KILLdozer]

I legitimately thought Crews was O'Neal until Miz said something lol