BRM Reviews the 9/13/2016 Smackdown (a total mess)

[Big Red Machine]

OPENING SEGMENT- what a mess. A very intense mess, but a mess nonetheless.
AJ comes out and cuts a good “I told you so!” promo. He is now “the champ that runs the camp.” That made me laugh. Also, CENA IS BACK. He says the WWE World Heavyweight Title “belongs to [him].” Since when? Cena hasn’t had any legitimate claim to a title shot since he lost to Lesnar and failed to win the title back at Royal Rumble 2015. I’m someone who likes John Cena, and I thought he came off as rather entitled here. He wants to tie Flair’s record.
Ambrose comes out, in the same sentence in which he is telling AJ how much he wants the title back, he says the infamous “titles come and titles go” line. Ambrose is shouting at AJ about how pissed he is that AJ stole the title from him via and how he is going to take the title back “with interest” and make AJ’s life and hell and it was all really good, except that John Cena was just standing in the corner, feeling completely out of place.
Just as soon as I thought about how weird it was that Cena was just standing there in the middle of what had turned into a very heated AJ-Ambrose segment, Cena grabs Dean by shoulder, spins him around and accuses him of hypocrisy, saying that Ambrose has no right to complain about AJ using a low blow when Dean had crotched AJ on the ropes a few weeks before that. Those two situations are in no way analogous! When Dean did it, he was warding off an unprovoked attack by AJ. When AJ did it, he did it in the context of a professional wrestling match, which means that doing so is cheating and thus immoral and Dean has a very legitimate gripe here!
Cena starts treating Ambrose like Ambrose was treating Ziggler, although Cena would definitely deserve it right now if Dean were to just punch him in the face. Dean responds by saying he doesn’t give a sh*t what Cena says Cena is “a lazy part-timer” who “can’t get it done in the ring anymore.”
Shane comes out. He notes that he last time AJ and Cena met, AJ beat him clean. So why does Cena think he should get a title shot?
Shane continues with the “wow! Everyone is so great, and you’ve all had such fantastic matches lately” and it feels like he has completely killed the previously interesting tension by coming out here and talking about stuff that 1) we already know, 2) comes off like self-aggrandizing hype (and by “self” here I mean as a representative of WWE and of Smackdown) which makes this feel less organic (and thus less real) and 3), is completely irrelevant to the discussion these guys were having.
Shane says he doesn’t like the way that AJ won the title and he totally understands Dean’s frustration. He assures Dean that he will get his one-on-one rematch, but that rematch won’t happen tonight because, at No Mercy, AJ Styles will defend the WWE World Heavyweight Title against… JOHN CENA? HUH?!
At this point both Dean and I made the same exact facial expression, which can best be summed up with the phrase “ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!”
Shane then adds Ambrose in, so it will be a Triple Threat match. Okay...
1) Why is Cena getting a title shot at all?
2) Why does Dean get two rematches?

If the direction you want to go in for No Mercy is a Triple Threat match between these three, then wouldn’t it make a lot more sense (and also make for more exciting, compelling TV with some bigger matches) to give Dean his rematch tonight and do another ref bump, and this time, when AJ tries to cheat (say he gets a chair), Cena makes his big return in order to stop him, but it somehow inadvertently results in Dean losing the match (maybe the referee wakes up and sees Cena attacking AJ and Dean gets DQed, or Cena winds up accidentally bumping into Dean, allowing AJ to hit the Phenomenal Forearm or something)? Then you have a big hook for next week’s show, where you wind up doing Cena vs. Dean in which AJ costs Dean the match (because he knows he’ll have to defend the belt against Dean soon so he wants him to be hurt), and then you use the fact that Cena beat Dean to insert Cena into the title match as well.
For tonight, not only does Shane book Dean & Cena vs. AJ and a partner AJ needs to recruit, but he flat-out says that he is booking Cena and Dean to team together specifically because they are angry at each other. WHAT AN ASSHOLE! With Cena and Dean he makes them team up specifically because it will bother them, and with AJ, Shane is now being so lazy that he is making AJ do his job for him. Wait… no… now Shane says that if AJ can’t find someone, Daniel Bryan will appoint a partner for AJ, but he said it in such a tone that made it seem like he is going to screw AJ over by making him team with someone he, too, doesn’t like (my guess would be Crews).
(The logical follow-up to this “AJ must find a partner tonight” angle is that AJ is a jackass heel and thus no one likes him so AJ has to promise someone a title shot in exchange for their help, but considering the astounding lack of logic or ability to make the most of storytelling opportunities in this segment, I doubt that will happen.)

They’re hyping up MORE TALKING in the Orton vs. Wyatt feud, this time Randy will talk about Bray’s attack on him at the PPV.

At the PPV we had five women all get pinned cleanly, resulting in Becky- the only one who didn’t get beaten- being the champion. Now those five losers are all being thrown in a #1 contendership match. This isn’t the women’s, it’s the X-Division.

Speaking of matches that we just saw at the PPV happening again for no reason…

HYPE BROS. vs. THE USOS- 2/10
Pants SOOOO white. Shoes SOOOO red. That’s not poetry, it’s the Usos. The loudly-dressed Usos won the match in dominant fashion.

Apparently tonight we will get Heath Slater’s contract signing. With how much WWE talks about the Montreal Screwjob you’d think that Shane would know better than to let Heath leave the building after winning the titles without signing the promised contract. Wouldn’t Shane have looked like a huge moron if Heath had shown up with title on Raw?

CURT HAWKINS VIDEO- SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TERRIBLE. It was corny and lame and ridiculous and not funny and everything it shouldn’t have been. It was him reciting some of the knock-off Chuck Norris fact while trying way too hard to sound cool, and doing weird things like bending over with his head between his legs.

MIZ & ZIGGLER SEGMENT-
Miz comes out to cut a promo. Ziggler interrupts him and calmly talks about how nobody really sees Miz as a “top guy,” when he should be pissed off that Miz and Maryse screwed him out of the title. Dolph challenges Miz to another match with no gimmicks or wives involved. Maryse starts to say it shouldn’t happen. Daniel Bryan comes out and does what a babyface authority figure should do and says that The Miz cheated, therefore Dolph deserves a rematch (as opposed to whatever bullsh*t Shane did earlier). Miz refuses, once again bringing up his desire to have his contract renegotiated, saying that he won’t defend the IC Title until he gets what he wants. THAT MAKES NO SENSE! If Miz signed a contract, he can’t just demand for it to be renegotiated on a whim. The old contract is binding until either it expires or both sides mutually agree to void it. Bryan comes down to the ring and Miz runs away.

AJ STYLES TRIES TO RECRUIT BARON CORBIN- good.
Apparently Corbin is having a rematch with Apollo Crews tonight, so that’s yet another pointless PPV rematch. Corbin says he would rather be AJ’s opponent than his partner because he wants his title. Maybe they will do the title shot storyline after all.

APOLLO CREWS vs. BARON CORBIN- no rating, fine segment.
Corbin jumps Crews during his entrance and lays him out with the End of Days on the floor. Then Jack Swagger showed up. I would be a lot more excited if this wasn’t happening less than twenty-four hours after Jack lost cleanly to a man whose televised win-loss record since the beginning of 2013 going into that match was 5-75.
Swagger cut a promo trying to reboot himself and it sort of worked, but if really need to have him do nothing but tap people out for a good month or two straight before putting him in anything serious. If this was what they wanted to do with Swagger, I have to ask: not only why did they have him lose to Jinder last night, but why did they have Tom Phillips mention that his contract was expiring last night instead of just letting Jack’s appearance be a big surprise?

BECKY LYNCH PROMO- really good until that “I’m a fighting champion, so come at me bros” line. It seems very “all show, no go” to say that when she knows that all of the other women on the show are already booked in a #1 contendership match.

#1 CONTENDERSHIP MATCH: Naomi vs. Carmella vs. Natalya vs. Alexa Bliss! vs. Nikki Bella- 4.75/10
This was fine for the time it got. Also…

ALEXA!
F*CKING!
BLISS!
FOR THE WIN!



AJ STYLES TRIES RECRUIT KANE- Kane laughs him off.

HEATH SLATER SIGNS HIS CONTRACT- He repeats his usual BS about kids and wanting a double-wide trailer. He says he and Rhyno will defend the belts at any time. Then the Ascension come out and say “okay then… give us a title match right now” and Heath tries to back out of it like a heel. Shane makes the match official, though, so we get the first ever…

WWE SMACKDOWN TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: Heath Slater & Rhyno(c) vs. The Ascension- 0.5/10

DANIEL BRYAN & AJ STYLES BACKSTAGE- AJ’s partner will be… a dorky jobber. So not only are they putting the heel at a disadvantage, but they’re putting A JOBBER IN THE MAIN EVENT.

RANDY ORTON PROMO- he says Bray is afraid to fight him. He challenges Bray to come out and face him right now. Instead Bray uses his magical powers to take over the TitanTron and cut a promo. Then he teleports to ringside. I am so bored right now. Bray teases fighting Randy but we all know he’s just going to teleport away because that’s what always happens.
He does, and also teleports Erick Rowan into the ring behind Randy. Rowan attacks Randy from behind but quickly gets laid out with an RKO out of nowhere.
Alexa Bliss! on Talking Smack. I’m there.

JOHN CENA & DEAN AMBROSE vs. AJ STYLES & A JOBBER- we are saved from this embarrassment by Miz assaulting the jobber on the ramp and declaring that he should be in the main event. And he’s right. Daniel Bryan is a moron for booking a jobber in the main event instead of the Intercontinental Champion.

JOHN CENA & DEAN AMBROSE vs. AJ STYLES & THE MIZ- 6.75/10
Cena and Ambrose work together perfectly well, and the Intercontinental Champion gets jobbed out. That is pretty much the exact opposite of what should have happened. It should have been Cen and Ambrose bumping into each other, allowing Miz to roll Dean up (and pull the tights to protect Dean). This way you played up the issues between Cena and Ambrose instead of ignoring them, and Miz gets to continue his angle by going up to Bryan next week and saying not only did he win the main event, but he pinned one of the top contenders to the WWE World Heavyweight Title in order to do so. Also, if you do it this way, Dean looks like less douchebag when he lays Cena out after the match.

A very bad episode of Smackdown. The booking was so convoluted it felt like I was Impact (The Miz is playing the role of Eli Drake). The show has certainly gotten more newsworthy since the brand split, but the actual booking of the show may well have gotten worse.


But at least Alexa Bliss! won.

[cero2k]

so the only thing i'm getting out of this show is that Miz is going to get Bryan fired eventually

[Big Red Machine]

so the only thing i'm getting out of this show is that Miz is going to get Bryan fired eventually

The problem with your assumption is that it relies on the general principal that competence is rewarded. In the kayfabe world of WWE (especially when it comes to authority figures) this is clearly not the case.

[cero2k]

also, that first segment made me think that they're gonna make it more about Ambrose vs Cena than Styles

[Big Red Machine]

also, that first segment made me think that they're gonna make it more about Ambrose vs Cena than Styles

I assume their reasoning is that we just got Ambrose vs. Styles and Cena vs. Styles, but it's never a good idea for the champion to be the bit-player.